Chapter 50 of the book Self-Help Stuff That Works

by Adam Khan:

WE HAVE GOALS - things we want to accomplish. And we really do want to accomplish them; we're not trying to fool anyone or pump things up. But sometimes we give up on our goals. Why?

All goals have obstacles to their achievement, things in the way. These are problems or difficulties we meet on the way to the goal that we must handle in order to achieve the goal.

What makes us give up is when it looks like we won't be able to overcome the obstacles. They seem too big or too numerous. When we feel sure we can't do it, we tend to give up.

What are the alternatives to giving up? Below are three. They are stated simply. Please do not discount them because of their brevity or simplicity. The fact that they are stated simply and briefly merely makes them easier to use and therefore more powerful, not less.

• Get help. There are people who want to help you. Enlist their aid. The more help you get, the sooner you'll succeed.
• Tackle the obstacles one at a time. When you try to tackle all the obstacles, or just look at all the obstacles at the same time, it can overwhelm you. The feeling of being completely outgunned can take the wind out of your sails before you even get started. Pick one obstacle - an easy one and tackle that first. Don't even think about the rest of them. It's likely that after you've tackled one obstacle, you'll be in a better, stronger position to handle the next one, and so on.
• Get some training or knowledge that will make you more able to deal with the obstacles. Read, study, practice. As you gain in ability, the obstacles shrink in comparison.

NEXT TIME you are overwhelmed by obstacles, try one, two, or all three of these alternatives to giving up. You'll find they work. Using them, you'll discover new strength and zeal to keep your dream alive and accomplish your goal.

Rather than give up:

Get help, tackle the obstacles one at a time, and get some training.

Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might; for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom in the grave, whither thou goest.

Ecclesiastes

Here's a technique to use when you're having a hard time accomplishing your goals because other people seem to interfere with you.
Use What You Get

Scientists have found out some interesting facts about happiness. And much of your happiness is under your influence.
Science of Happiness

Find peace of mind, tranquility in body, and clarity of purpose with this simple method.
Constitutional Right

The questions you ask direct your mind. Asking the right kind of questions makes a big difference.
Why Ask Why?

A simple change in perspective can make you feel better and can also make you more effective at dealing with the situation. Here's one way to change your perspective.
Adventure

What if maximizing your full potential was bad for you?
Be All You Can Be

This is a simple technique for reducing a little of the stress you feel day to day. Its biggest advantage is you can use it while you work.
Rx to Relax

next: As Good As Gold

Self-Help Stuff That Works is a no-nonsense, practical self-help handbook written in a friendly, entertaining, and concise style. It gives you solid tools you can use to better your life.

You'll learn how to become more effective with your actions and feel good more often. The chapters were originally written for a column in Rodale Press's newsletter At Your Best (now an online newsletter called Balancing Act, which is part of Rodale's Online Health), where Adam's column was voted the readers' favorite.

This book is about as well-made as a book can be. The cover design is laminated right onto this hardbound book. The binding is sewn, so it lays open easily and won't crack or fall apart, even after years of hard use.

And this book was designed to be used. It is made to be referred to again and again when you need some counsel. When you're feeling blue or tired or at the end of your rope, or when you need a boost or just want to feel better, reach for this book. It is easy, enjoyable reading and the chapters are brief. Each of the chapters (there are over a hundred) ends with a simply-stated principle you can apply.

Since the things we learn are not etched in stone but stored in a gooey organ, an organ we use every day, it's important to not only learn good ideas, but to be reminded of them when we need them. Otherwise, the incoming information we are bombarded with every day tends to push the things we "know" into the back of our minds, and, while it is not forgotten, it is hard to remember when we need it.

Most of the chapters are short enough to read in five minutes or less, and at the end of that five minutes, you'll come away with a technique you can use to improve either your situation or your attitude toward it

Some of the things you'll learn:

• Lots of simple and effective ways to feel good more often and improve your attitude
• How to remove sources of stress from your life
• How to become closer to the people you love
• How and why to become more optimistic
• How to deal with troublemakers and people who bring you down
• Simple things you can do to get the appreciation you deserve

Answers to questions about Self-Help Stuff That Works

Table of Contents

About the Author, Adam Khan

Comments by reader

Adam Khan
Author of Self-Help Stuff That Works

Three of Adam's favorite chapters:

The story of how a committed man, through quiet persistence, restored 14,000 acres of barren, polluted land to its original natural beauty:

Just Keep Planting

The basic principle to apply to yourself when you feel angry at something you don't want to do anything about:

Argue With Yourself and Win!

And here's what to do when life has dealt you a bad hand, illustrated by a fascinating piece of history:

next: Comments by Readers

Feeling Fat Thinking Thin

People like believing they're above average: Studies have shown that most people feel they're smarter, funnier and more attractive than the next person. Unfortunately, new research suggests that this same tendency exists when comparing body weight--particularly among young women.

In a study conducted by Catherine Sanderson, Ph.D., an Amherst College psychology professor, college women tended to believe that they exercised less and ate and weighed more than the average person. Her study also found that this misperception increases over time, as seniors seem much more likely than freshwomen to misjudge the weight and habits of others.

According to Sanderson, the trend goes something like this: "Jane," the average college-aged woman, first arrives at school weighing 130 pounds. When asked, she estimates that other students weigh approximately 130 pounds--and she's right. Years pass, and Jane observes other college women eating less and bragging about rigorous exercise regimens and skipping meals. By her senior year, Jane has put on a few pounds. Weighing in at 135, she estimates that the average female student weighs 125 pounds. This time, she's wrong. The average student weighs what she does--yet Jane doesn't see it.

It's a dangerous trend, Sanderson says, because, "the more women perceived themselves as being different, the more symptoms they showed of anorexia and bulimia." However, after explaining the misperception to women who reported primarily comparing themselves to other campus women, she found that they adopted a more accurate outlook. "Letting women know they're wrong could really help," Sanderson says.

next: Why Women Have Poor Body Image When Men Are Around?
~ eating disorders library
~ all articles on eating disorders

Part 3: Exercises to Stop Overeating

Exercise 1 - 4

1. General Situation - anxiety: Any time you overeat, you are trying to soothe yourself. Often overeating works, numbing your emotions. You may even think you feel safe or calm as you approach emotional oblivion.

Exercise: Ask yourself:

• Where do I need to feel safe or calm in my life?
• Where do I need to accept my powerlessness?
• Where do I need to develop and exercise my power?

For example, are you trying to change people or events which are beyond your control? This may be where you need to accept your powerlessness.

Are you neglecting yourself and activities which you can effect? This may be where you need to develop and exercise your power.

Make a list of three areas you would like to be different in your life. Think of what you can and cannot influence on this list. Let go of what you cannot change. Add to this list at any time.

By reading and thinking about these Exercises to Stop Overeating you have already begun to exercise your personal power.

2. Situation -- unfinished tasks: Unfinished tasks confront you. You feel depressed and overwhelmed. You eat rather than begin your work.

Exercise: Pause. List your tasks.

• Complete a small task before you eat. Completing the task will let you experience power more satisfying than that which comes from overeating.
• The tasks may be too many and too complex for you. Break these large tasks into several small activities. Write them down.
• Give yourself freedom to choose. Decide if you will put your effort into one task, working on all the activities until the task is completed. Or decide if you will put effort into several tasks, performing a few activities for each. As you complete an activity, check it off your list.
• You are giving yourself freedom and power. You are giving yourself a reasonable structure. You are giving yourself a way to mobilize your power for your own benefit. You will appreciate your efforts when you see they lead you to fulfillment of your goals.

3. Situation -- verge of a binge: You are on the verge of a binge. You are deciding what and how much you will eat. You promise yourself you will stop at reasonable limits (although you rarely succeed in keeping this promise.)

Exercise: Pause. Write a description of your last hour, the immediate hour you lived just before now. Include:

• What happened.
• What you did.
• What you said.
• What you thought.
• What you felt.

You may have experienced something hurtful or frightening to you. You may have been reminded of something hurtful or frightening. This can be true even if what happened in the hour seems, on the surface, to be simple and ordinary.

Remember, you now know that there is something you don't know. So something innocuous, like hanging up the phone, or misplacing your shoes, or looking at a coffee cup on a shelf might actually trigger a painful feeling in you that you would prefer not to feel.

Think of how you might soothe or comfort yourself. You may need understanding you can't give yourself. You might find that understanding and holding in a book, painting or piece of music. You might listen to an educational or inspirational tape. You might call a friend.

You might continue to journal. Write what you are thinking and feeling now. Read it out loud. Read it out loud a second time in front of a mirror.

Let yourself learn to listen. When you hear your true hunger's voice you can give yourself the nourishment you really need.

4. Situation -- in process of overeating: You are eating more than you need during a meal.

Exercise: Pause. Take a deep breath and close your eyes.

• Breathe normally and pay attention to your breath. Feel the oxygen enter your lungs and nourish your body. Tell yourself there is plenty of food in the world. You can have more at your next meal.
• Imagine your next meal. Commit to what time you will eat a nourishing meal again. Tell yourself you will be kind to yourself during the time between meals, and you will give yourself a good next meal.

Exercise 5 - 10

5. Situation -- reaching for a snack: You are reaching for a snack. You want to say "no" to the snack, and you can't.

Exercise: Pause. Pay attention to your breathing.

• Think. Where else do you say "yes" because you can't say "no"? Do you smile or silently accept behavior or requests from people despite your discomfort?
• Write down an incident that occurs to you where you wish you could have said "no" or "stop."
• Write down the snack situation.
• Answer these questions regarding the snack:
  1. What do you think would happen if you said "no"?
  2. What would you feel?
  3. What benefits might you get if you said "no"?
  4. What benefits might you get for saying "yes"?
  5. What hardships might you get for saying "yes"?
• Answer these questions regarding the incident:
  1. What do you think would happen if you said "no"?
  2. What would you feel?
  3. What benefits might you get if you said "no"?
  4. What benefits might you get for saying "yes"?
  5. What hardships might you get for saying "yes"?

Compare your answers. Do they have anything in common?

You may be saying "yes" to the snack and "yes" to a person or organization to protect yourself from some kind of discomfort. Your unwilling "yes" may be a way of sacrificing joyful opportunities.

Keep what you've written about these situations, questions and answers. Include them in your journal. Compare them to other situations where you say "yes" with words or with body acceptance but would prefer to say "no."

6. Situation -- postponing: You are postponing beginning an activity. What are you postponing? Is it true that you can postpone everything except eating?

Exercise: Reverse the order. Before you reach for food, pick one activity you have been postponing and take concrete action. It may be a note or a phone call. It may be gathering materials you need. A small action mobilizes your personal power.

7. Situation -- loneliness: Alone at night you want to eat. You want the comfort of food and perhaps television.

Exercise: Pause. Think of the people you have known throughout your life. There is one, perhaps more, who made a positive impact on you. Perhaps you like, love, or admire them. Perhaps you didn't know these people well, yet are grateful they touched your life.

• Think of a thought they would appreciate. Share it with them. For example, send them an expression of appreciation or a picture, article or cartoon that might delight them. Rather than sink into the oblivion of food and television, you can connect yourself with people in a meaningful way.

8. Situation -- lying: Have you told a lie lately? Lying is related to overeating. Don't you lie to yourself about how much you eat and why?

Exercise: Think about lies you told or are still telling. Write down to whom you lied and why. Include yourself.

• What made that lie necessary? How can you begin to correct that lie or prevent that lie from being necessary in the future? By facing the secrets you know you are keeping you become closer to facing deep personal secrets you don't know about. These are the secrets that hold tremendous power over your overeating habits.

9. Situation -- broken promises: Have you broken a promise to anyone lately? Include yourself. You break a promise to yourself every time you overeat.

Exercise: Make a list of your broken promises. Make good on the promises you can still honor.

• You may discover that some promises are impossible to keep and should not have been made. Acknowledge this. Knowing and accepting what you can and cannot accomplish increases your ability to establish reasonable limits for yourself. You become trustworthy to yourself and others.

10. Situation -- good bye: You have said good bye to your friends and are home alone. You feel nervous. You are ready to eat whatever you can find for comfort.

Exercise: Pause. Consider moments that delight you.

• Give yourself a simple delight now while you are feeling the overeating urge. Perhaps it's listening to music or taking a warm bath. Read a poem out loud to your cat or dog. Sing in the shower or do some physical exercise to let out some energy.

Exercise in Kindness:

Be kind to yourself when you feel the urge to overeat. You want to overeat because you are threatened by something and are seeking safety, soothing and peace. Criticizing and punishing someone for being frightened accomplishes nothing positive. It only makes the frightened person more afraid. On this journey to freedom, the frightened person is you. Be kind.

Remember, every urge to overeat is a moment of opportunity to discover and satisfy your true hidden hunger.

When you want to overeat and don't, you will feel something you don't want to feel. These feelings are your clues to inner mysteries which compel you to overeat.

Knowing and resolving your secrets can free you to explore what you really do want. Maybe you can have it, maybe not. When you know what you really want, if it is realistic you can strive for it. If it is unrealistic you can let it go, mourn and be free.

Either way, the overeating solution is gone.

The next phase of Triumphant Journey will show you how to discover secrets you have from yourself and how to move beyond their power into a life of more health and freedom.

end of part 3

next: Part Four: Time of Decision
~ all triumphant journey articles
~ eating disorders library
~ all articles on eating disorders

How I communicate with other people is vital to my recovery from co-dependency. Although I'm sure I have many other poor communication habits, I've had to work diligently to stop:

• overreacting (taking a message too seriously, too personally, etc.)
• making assumptions (failing to clarify the other person's true intentions)
• projecting (expecting that another person holds my exact views on an issue)
• mind-reading (instead of talking openly and forthrightly)
• biased listening (rather than genuinely hearing the other person's heartfelt message)
• chattering nervously (when it would be better to remain silent)
• arguing (rather than focusing on areas where agreement is possible)
• generalizing (rather than getting the specific details of a whole story)

Healthy relationships require healthy communication. One of the major reasons for my failed marriage was poor communication. I assumed too much, refused to listen, and argued far past the point of reason. Yet I believed (erroneously as it turned out) that I was communicating.

What I actually did was to shut down all communication. Because my mind was made up, I made true communication impossible.

Recovery has taught me to be open-minded, accepting, patient, and forthright in my verbal communication. Most importantly, recovery has given me the right to be wrong, to admit the fact when I am wrong. No part of my life is perfect, including my communication. Rather than egotistically assuming I'm always right, now I leave myself room for doubt. I give the other person the benefit of the doubt too. I understand that the other person may also be struggling to achieve clean, healthy communication.

As a writer, I know the limitations of words. Combine words with emotions, and you have all kinds of possibilities for misunderstanding. Good communication is hard work. Maybe the hardest work of all.

For me, real communication occurs when I'm big enough to temporarily set aside the need to express my ego, my agenda, my beliefs, my intelligence, and give the other person the time and opportunity to express their thoughts, feelings, ideas, and dreams in an uninterrupted, accepting way. When I permit myself to listen, unbiased, to the words coming from the other person's heart, I create in them willingness to do the same for me when it comes to my turn to talk.

I can disagree with the other person. They can disagree with me. That is OK. But each of us has the right to express our thoughts and feelings in a fair exchange. We allow and even value each other's differences. That makes for interesting conversation and leaves room for growth on both sides. We understand that beliefs, ideas, opinions, facts, and feelings are separate and apart from the other person's worth as a human being. Communication is a tool for self-expression, not a tool for demeaning other people or taking their words, twisting them, and using them against the person in a verbal battle.

Communication opens the door for me to learn who I am by listening to who you are. Healthy communication is understanding that we all have enough in common, as fellow human beings, to learn something valuable from each other.

Click step number to read a discussion

Step One
We admitted we were powerless over others, that our lives had become unmanageable.

Step Two
Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Step Three
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives, over to the care of God as we understood God.

Step Four
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Step Five
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Step Six
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Step Seven
Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

Step Eight
Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Step Nine
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Step Ten
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Step Eleven
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.

Step Twelve
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

© Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc.

next: The Twelve Steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous Step One

Which brings me to what I wanted to talk about.   I am so incredibly grateful for this path I am on.   The miracle of the Twelve Step Recovery Program Spiritual Principles first saved my life when I was trying to kill myself - then saved my life again when my Codependence was close to killing me.   My Codependence Recovery then turned living from something which was miserable and unbearable for me into a Glorious Exciting Adventure.   I am so glad to be alive today - and have a life work that I passionately believe in, Love doing, and which brings me great Joy.   I am not sure how I am going to pay my rent next month, haven't had anything close to a Love relationship for several years, and have some health problems - but those don't matter today. I am free to be Happy and Joyous in the moment for the majority of the moments of every day.

What I can see now is that my response to my car breaking down last month (Newsletter 10-25-98) broke me through to a whole new dimension of existence.   I have for years had a bumper sticker on my car that says Happy Joyous and Free - and I have had increasing tastes of what that means over the years - but now I am Truly living in a space where that is my reality most of the time.   I am Free to be Happy and Joyous in the moment most of the time because I am also free to be angry or sad or scared or hurt in the moment.   I am Free because I have let go of the "What ifs" and "If only" which are just my disease wanting me to feel deprived and victimized.   I am Free because I know in my heart and in my gut that I am Unconditionally Loved and I don't have to earn it.   I am Free because I know the future is not in my control - and I know that I am doing all of the seed planting and footwork that the Universe is prompting me to do.   I am Free to relax and enjoy life because the Spirit is guiding me.

Years ago I ran across a saying that I really liked and wanted to set as a goal - "Serenity is not Freedom from the Storm - Serenity is Peace Amidst the Storm."   I had always thought that I had to stop the storm.   Now I can be serene and peaceful no matter what the storm brings - life events like car breakdowns, other peoples behavior which is just them dancing with their own wounds, apparent financial insecurity, that I am still doing some unhealthy behavior health wise, whatever - I don't have to be perfect, I don't have to have money, I don't have to be in a relationship, to be happy.   I am Truly Free in this moment and in most of the moments of my life for these past weeks - this too will pass into something different at some point, but I know that once I have attained a new level, I will return to it often.   There is still going to be pain and fear and anger and hurt sometimes (a part of me just got real scared because the last time I felt something close to this good for a long period of time I got into a relationship - which was wonderful and very, very painful and a incredible gift package full of opportunities for growth - I guess if I can face burning at the stake and Heidi that I must be ready to deal with the old fear of intimacy issues again.)   Oh well, the adventure continues and keeps getting different.   I LOVE IT SO MUCH!!!

I guess it is pretty weird to be processing here on my computer and then sending it out for the world to read - but that is what I do.   The Truth is so powerful and wonderful and by doing the process work we get to start being allies with the Spirit where Love lives instead of with the disease where fear rules.   Fuck the fear I say - full speed ahead in the direction of Love."

I am doing the service at a Metaphysical New Thought church tomorrow and my topic is going to be Happy Joyous and   Free."

So, when the thought of getting involved in a romantic relationship hit me in the paragraph above - it seemed to come out of the blue.   I wasn't at that point thinking of the date the next day or having a date for the wedding in 6 weeks - I was just processing.

We had our date the next day and I could see that though we came from very different backgrounds and had different types of Spiritual Paths, we were both very dedicated to our Paths and might have some Karmic business together.   I left on my trip with an awareness that she and I might be getting involved in a relationship - and that it could be a very important powerful connection or it might be a painful lesson/opportunity for growth that could be preparation for a relationship to come.   I sent her a card when I got to Phoenix and called her on Thanksgiving - she was waiting for my call.   When I got back to Morro Bay is when the Adventure kicked into high gear.

Back to the e-mail of December 7th:

"I have of course been led to do a ton of work in recent months to open up to receiving Love, success, abundance, etc. - and to Loving myself even though I am overweight, still smoking, and pretty financially poor.   And once I reached the place where I could be happy and Joyous in the moment today despite all of those things - this new plateau of acceptance and letting go of all of my dreams and hopes and fantasies - then of course, they started to pour in (well the money isn't exactly pouring in yet but that will come soon). This new plateau is another paradigm shift that changes my relationship with everything again, and also involves reaching a deeper level of emotional honesty which will peal away another level of denial and expose some more of the deep core level grief to be released/terror of intimacy to be healed - more tears coming up - but there is so much more Joy now than pain.

BRING IT ON UNIVERSE, I SAY - A WHOLE NEW SET OF OPPORTUNITIES FOR GROWTH.   I AM SO INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL FOR THIS SPIRITUAL PATH.

So like I say - Nothing much happening here - What's with you.  Robert"

Boy, reading that now - I had no idea.   The part about "This new plateau is another paradigm shift that changes my relationship with everything again, and also involves reaching a deeper level of emotional honesty which will peal away another level of denial and expose some more of the deep core level grief to be released/terror of intimacy to be healed - more tears coming up - but there is so much more Joy now than pain."   - I didn't have a clue as to how much Joy was possible then - I was just entering a whole new world, a dimension of existence that I did not know was possible.   And I also had no idea of relatively how little power the core level grief had in my life anymore.

next: The Amazing, Magnificent, Miraculous, Magical, Fiery Eruption of Joy & Love & Dazzling Light

Children of parents with a mental illness face many challenges. Increasing the child's level of resilience can lead to a healthier outcome. Learn how to do that.

Children, Mental Illness and Resilience

Evidence shows that children are often very resilient when faced with adversity, such as having a parent with a mental illness. Resilience in children is defined as the likelihood that a child will succeed, even when faced with a risky or harmful situation.

Protective Factors

Protective factors are personal characteristics that increase resilience and reduce the chances that a child will develop emotional or behavioral problems in response to a difficult situation. Though your child has characteristics that you may be unable to change (for example, their genetic makeup and temperament), all children have protective factors that you, as a parent, can foster.

Protective factors that increase resilience include:

• Knowledge that the parent is ill and that the child is not to blame
• Parents' willingness to get treatment for their illness
• Help and support from family members
• A stable home environment
• Psychotherapy for the child and parent
• A sense of being loved by the ill parent
• Positive self-esteem and a sense of competence
• Inner strength and good coping skills in the child
• Strong relationships with healthy adults
• Friendships and positive peer relationships
• Interest in and success at school
• Healthy interests and talents outside the home
• Help from outside the family to improve the family environment
• Good physical health and positive body image
• Positive experiences with spirituality and religion

What Can I Do for My Children as a Parent with Mental Illness?

1. Talk openly to your child about your mental illness in an age-appropriate manner. Make sure your child knows that he/she is not to blame for your illness. Listen to your child's concerns and give your child ample opportunity to express his/her feelings. Make clear to your child that you are seeking treatment and working towards recovery.
2. Help your child with homework and encourage them in school. Get to know teachers, be involved in your child's school and monitor your child's attendance. A strong educational foundation and increased parent involvement in education lead to better health for your child.
3. Encourage extra-curricular activities for your child. Foster their talents. This will help to increase your child's self-esteem.
4. Develop a network of friends and family that you and your child can rely on. Allowing friends and family to help with some activities, such as housework and transportation, will give you and your child more time to seek treatment or spend time together. If you are part of a religious organization, encourage your child to become involved in the religious community and to develop his or her sense of spirituality.
5. Take a parenting skills course or attend a parenting support group. Studies show that self-help groups and support groups can speed your recovery. Your local Mental Health Association can direct you to groups for parents with mental illnesses. Even if there is not a group specifically designed for parents, attending a self-help or support group on mental illness can be very beneficial.
6. Promote positive experiences with your child. Take time to play with your child. Participate in activities together to stay connected as a family. These experiences will strengthen family relationships and help your child to weather the difficult times. As much as possible, avoid exposing children to hostility between yourself and your partners or others.
7. Formulate a child-care plan, advance directives and/or a wellness plan in the event that you need to be hospitalized. As a parent, you should create a child care plan that specifies the names and contact information of people who have agreed to care for your child/ren in the event of an emergency. Go over these plans with your child especially the child care plan, so that your child/ren know what to expect in the event of an acute episode of your illness. Learn more about care planning by using the resources listed at the end.
8. Encourage your child to develop friendships of his/her own. Welcome your child's friends in your home and teach your child how to nurture these relationships.
9. If necessary, encourage your child to talk to a psychotherapist or include him or her in your psychotherapy. This will give your child an opportunity to express his hears and concerns related to your mental illness, and will give him a non-judgmental environment in which to seek support.
10. Remember, first and foremost, that you are the parent, and that your child needs you to be the primary caregiver. Do not force your child to take on a caregiving role for which he or she is not prepared.

Special Considerations for Adolescents of Parents with Mental Illness

Children who are realistic about their parent's illness, who can articulate strategies to offset its impact on their own lives, and who believe that their actions make a difference, are more likely to be resilient. Once children reach adolescence, they are more able to address as the parent's mental illness in depth. Their capacity for reflection and self-understanding is greater. They may develop a fear of getting sick with a mental illness themselves. They may also have a fear of being shamed or distance by their peers due to the stigma of their parent's mental illness. Some ways that you can protect your adolescent from susceptibility to mental illness are:

• Help adolescents develop and maintain relationships with friends, family and caregiving adults. Be sensitive to how easily embarrassed teens are in front of their peers and avoid being around their friends when you are having acute difficulties.
• Help them be successful in school and in the community.
• Talk openly about their concerns of developing a mental illness themselves and help them to get information about mental illness.
• Help develop an understanding about what they have experienced in the family and obtain support for them outside the home if needed.

Conclusion

There is a risk that a child can experience an emotional or behavioral problem as a result of his parent's mental illness. But this risk is substantially greater when the mental illness is accompanied by other negative events and circumstances. A parent's mental illness alone is not a predictor of childhood mental illness. When parents are proactive in building their child's protective resources, there is a strong likelihood that the child will grow up healthy and show resilience in the face of adversity.

Resources

UPenn Collaborative on Community Integration. "Parenting with a mental illness: Child Welfare & Custody Issues." At http://www.upennrrtc.org/var/tool/file/36-ChildWelfareCustodyFS.pdf

Beardslee, W.R., "Out of the Darkened Room - When a Parent is Depressed," Litele, Brown and Co. (Boston, 2002) "Children of Parents with Mental Illness," www.familyresource.com/health/

Fudge, E., Falkov, A., Kowalenko, N., and Robinson, P.,"Parenting is a Mental Health Issue," Australian Psychiatry, Vol. 12, No. 2, June 2004.

Hammen, C., and Brennan, P., "Severity, Chronicity and Timing of Maternal Depression and Risk for Adolescent Offspring Diagnoses in a Community Sample,: Archives of General Psychiatry, Vol. 60, No. 3 (March, 2003).

MHASP/TEC Family Center Coping Website, www.mhasp.org/coping.

NMHA Strengthening Families Fact Sheet - "Tips on Healthy Parenting for Mothers with Depression,"
www.nmha.org.

Sleek, S., "Better Parenting May Not Be Enough for Some Children", APA Monitor, Vol. 29, No. 11, November 1998.

Substance abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) publication on Parents with Mental Illness and their Families:
http://www.mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/publications/allpubs/KEN-01-0109/default.asp

University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign Counseling Center Fact Sheet -
"When Your Parent Has a Mental Illness," www.couns.uiuc.edu/brochures/parents.htm

Source: UPenn Collaborative on Community Integration

Contents in The Challenge of Difficult Children Site:

Introduction
Difficult Children
Parenting Difficult Children
Parenting Skills
Communication
Problems
Children's Needs
School Days
Summer
Holidays
Laughs
Resources

Introduction

• The Challenge of Difficult Children Homepage
• About Me

Difficult Children

• Difficult, Hard to Raise Children: Do They Come That Way?
• Temperament: They are different at birth!
• Temperament and Special Needs: If they fit, they grow
• Management Tips for kids with Difficult Traits
• What's wrong with my child?
• Coping with a Negative Child
• "Love it" or "Hate it" Reactions to New Things
• 30 Tips on Parenting a Child with Attention Deficit Disorder

Parenting Difficult Children

Survival

• Survival for Parents
• Parents Need Vacations from Kids
• Personal Time for Parents is a Necessity
• Parents have Rights, Too
• Even Nice Parents Get Angry
• Down Loose Attitude toward Housework
• War Stories

Thoughts

• Thoughts on Parenting
• How NOT to Over React -- Sometimes
• A Declaration of Independence
• Personal Experiences in Independence Training
• Say NO as Little as Possible

Skills

• Parenting Skills / Discipline Homepage
• Management Tips for kids with Difficult Traits
• How They Grow: Birth through Age Twelve
• This Doesn't Seem 'Normal,' Now What?
• If this Is Normal, Why Can't I Stand It?
• The Importance of Setting Limits
• Three-Step Discipline Plan
• Discipline: Using Natural and Logical Consequences to Teach
• Instead of Orders, Offer Choices
• Recipe for Successful Time-Outs
• What To Do (and Not To Do) When Siblings Fight
• Simple Steps to Stop Arguers
• Empty Threats and Fake Choices: BIG MISTAKES
• Parenting Guidelines
• Ways to Reduce the Hassles
• Useless Power Struggles to Avoid
• Parental Authority - It's an Attitude
• It's a Mistake to be TOO Nice
• Parenting is a management job, not a dictatorship.
• To spank or NOT to spank
• A Matter of Obedience
• A Kitchen Timer -- Great Tool for Parents

Communication

• Communication: The Relationship Builder Homepage
• Actions speak louder than words
• A Quiet Parent Makes a Good Listener
• When to Talk
• Getting the Last Word
• Solving Your Kids Problems: Big Mistake
• Is Parenting about Quality or Quantity?

Problems

• Common Issues and Problems Homepage
• Toilet Training
• Eating: Mealtime Problems
• It's Easy to Feed a Hungry Child
• Embarrassing Questions Asked in Public
• Helping Children Solve Problems with Other Kids
• Why Kids Tattle and What to Do About It
• When "Not Me" is Responsible for all Problems
• Surviving Family Gatherings

Children's Needs

• Meeting Kids' Needs Homepage
• How They Grow: Birth through Age Twelve
• Do children have to be so childish?
• They demand attention, naturally!
• Attention Addiction
• Tell kids why you like them
• Four A's of parenting
• ...But words can break your heart."
• Nurture Independence and Imagination with Kid-Proof Environment
• Kid Space
• Kid-Style Home Environment Adaptations Make Life Easier
• Over-committed Kids?
• The Importance of Making Their Own Decisions
• Clothing Allowance

School Days

• School Days Homepage
• Letting Go: The First Days of School
• Creating Kids Who Can Learn
• Ready to Learn or Ready to be Taken Care Of
• Self-reliant Kids
• Eliminating Daily Hassles
• Check List for Conferences
• When You KNOW Something is Wrong

Summer

• Summer with the Kids Homepage
• Bored...Nothing to Do
• Providing Structure During Summer Vacation
• Vacations are for Memories
• Summer Car Travel
• Attending Family Reunions
• Wet Fun for Summer
• Time Out
• Here comes the Judge
• Siblings Fighting
• Tattling

Holidays

• Enjoying Christmas with Your Kids Homepage
• Surviving Family Gatherings
• The Perfect Gift for Kids
• Christmas Guidelines for Parents
• The Truth about Santa
• The Importance of Traditions, even New Ones
• Simplify Christmas and Enjoy It
• Teaching Greedy Children to Give
• Don't Expect a Perfect Family Christmas
• Getting Things Done with the Kids in Tow
• Christmas Shopping with Kids
• Age-Appropriate Gift Ideas
• Let Christmas End Slowly

Laughs

• War Stories: Parenting Laughs from the Front Lines
• The Bean Bag Day
• Bad Hair Days

Resources

• Recommended Reading
• Recommended Products
• Useful Links

back to: The Challenge of Difficult Children Homepage

Mother writes to daughter and asks: "What will you choose to remember about our time together?"

Dear Kristen,

How sad it is that we cheat ourselves and others, sometimes, by our limited view. This past weekend was a rainy, dismal Easter Sunday. Daddy and I tried very hard to make it special for you. We gave you a basket from the Easter Bunny. We had a special Easter talk over a big breakfast. We took you to a store to pick out a small treat. We took you bowling. Then we went out for pizza, planning to top it off with ice cream for desert. While waiting for our food, you decided that you wanted to run around the restaurant. I told you that you couldn't run, but you could walk. You looked at me, pouted, and said in a long, suffering little voice, "I never get to have any fun!"

Kids! How easily and innocently they negate us, merely by choosing what to focus on. It reminds me of one winter when my friend Amy and I went to New Hampshire for an overnight. Amy called home to check on her daughter and husband. Neil, one of the most dedicated and loving fathers I know, answered the phone. Amy asked him about their day. He told her that they had just gotten home. They had had a "Celia Day." These are special days when little Celia gets to set the agenda. They had gone to "TOYS R' US," where Celia had picked out a toy, next a movie, then off to McDonalds, and finally they were going to settle in with popcorn and a story. When Celia came to the phone and Amy asked her about her day, her immediate response was, "Mommy, Daddy didn't get me any black licorice!" That was it, her entire summary. My heart went out to Neil. I knew how he must have felt.

Krissie, what will you choose to remember about our time together? Please store away somewhere in your heart - our laughter, our embraces, our adventures, our dates... Save a place for these memories. We may need them someday...

Love, Mom

next:Please Give me Patience