Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves

Knowing #1: How Do You Know?

What do you know?
How do you know it?
How sure can you be of what you know?

DIFFERENT WAYS OF KNOWING

We'll be looking at these four ways knowing:

Logic based on observation.
Logic based on belief.
Emotions alone.
Emotions based on observation and belief.

LOGIC BASED ON OBSERVATION

Two plus two is four because I can see two fingers on my left hand and two fingers on my right hand or because I heard two sounds a minute ago and I heard two more sounds a second ago.
I saw it.
I heard it.
I'm sure of it because it came to me through my senses.

There are some illusions that distort our senses. Sight can be distorted by optical illusions, and hearing and smell can be distorted by overlapping stimuli. After allowing for such distortions, we can be pretty certain that what we see, hear, smell, taste or feel is correct. Sense data is nearly certain. The problem is that so little can be known in this way.

So we want to believe we can know in other ways.

LOGIC BASED ON BELIEF

Two plus two is four because Sister Anna Charles told me so in the first grade and I think she's smart. If she was right, then I am right. If she was wrong, then I am not only wrong about this I am also wrong about everything that logically flows from this.

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Belief in someone else's accuracy is crucial when we base decisions on what we believe.

But I'd better confirm my teacher's math with my own senses before I try to balance my checkbook.

EMOTIONS ALONE

When I think about the vastness of space I feel joy and I have a keen sense of my own vulnerability. Therefore I know God exists.

Not so.

When I feel joy, vulnerability, or any other emotion, it doesn't prove God exists. It doesn't prove anything at all.

Emotions don't determine fact.

Our emotions are wonderful at telling us when we are hungry or thirsty or sad or angry, but worthless at telling us about concrete reality.

EMOTIONS BASED ON OBSERVATION AND BELIEF

Two plus two is four because it kinda looks right to me and I believe the person who says it's so.

When we are inexperienced or hurting a lot physically or emotionally we have little confidence in our own ability. At such times we may have to temporarily go along with this kind of "knowing."

This is the dilemma children face, and from which most therapy issues arise. When we were too young to have gathered enough experience and when "the whole world" was just the people in our house or our neighborhood we had to believe most of what the adults told us - regardless of how wise or ignorant, how kind or cruel those adults were.

Some adults face this same dilemma. Someone recovering from a horrible injury or someone who is dependent on people who overpower them may need to temporarily accept whatever they are told while they focus purely on survival.

When we grow up, and after we've survived desperate adult situations, we must reexamine everything we've learned from such sources. We need to reevaluate each "emotional belief"
using our most accurate tools: Our senses.

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OTHER TOPICS IN THIS SERIES

See all other topics in this series related to "Knowing." Read them all to get a good understanding about how we know what we know and how we distort our own reality.

Knowing #2: How Smart Are You?

How smart are you?
How dumb are you?
How do you know?

DIFFERENT KINDS OF INTELLIGENCE

Here are five ways to evaluate intelligence:
I.Q. - Intelligence Quotient
E.Q. - Emotional Quotient
Speed of Comprehension
Retention
Usable Intelligence

I.Q. - INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT

You can learn your I.Q. by taking a test that measures general knowledge, reasoning, and math skills. A score of 100 is considered average. Your score tells you how many people have a higher I.Q., and how many have a lower I.Q.

IQ is an excellent measure of how well you can use your brain to decide about concrete reality.
It doesn't measure how well you apply the knowledge you have.

IQ doesn't change much. You are pretty much stuck with the IQ you have.

E.Q. - EMOTIONAL QUOTIENT

E.Q. is more of an idea than a measurable attribute. If there is a widely accepted test to measure E.Q., I'm not aware of it. E.Q. is a good idea, but it is in its infancy in terms of clinical measurement.

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The idea is simply that our since our emotions help us to decide how much importance to put on each bit of data, it would be good to look closely at how we make those decisions.

People in therapy continually improve their E.Q. It's a natural byproduct of all that talk about feelings and reality. So E.Q. can be improved, although the degree of possible improvement depends a lot on your starting point.

SPEED OF COMPREHENSION

It's rather easy to notice how quickly people comprehend. The next time you are talking to someone, look closely at her or his face while you are making a statement. Notice that their eyes widen or they release a frown at the precise moment they comprehend your message.

We can improve our speed of comprehension a little through practice, but we probably can't make a big improvement.

(By the way, no matter how smart you are you can greatly improve the flow of conversation simply by hearing what the other person is saying instead of mentally rehearsing what you are going to say next.)

RETENTION

It doesn't matter how much you can learn if it's not in your brain when you need it. And we retain only a tiny portion of all we've learned.

Since I'm now eligible for senior discounts at a few places, I like to believe the old theory that although we forget more as we get older we also become wiser, since all that experience helps us to see life's overall patterns more easily. Regardless of my own beliefs (or wishful thinking), it is clear that memory declines with age and that we can't stop it from happening.

USEABLE INTELLIGENCE

We each know a lot about a few things, but we know nothing, or close to nothing, about everything else. Our IQ, EQ, comprehension, and retention don't matter much at all compared to the question of whether we use what we know in the real world of people and things.

Imagine that you can watch a video of your last few days. Did you use what you know? Did you hide what you know from others because you feared embarrassment? Did you apply what you know to concrete tasks, or did you just think about what you know and complain that "they" ought to do something about it?

Try to notice every reason you have for not applying what you know. Determine how many of these reasons are based on irrational insecurity and unfair comparisons that you use habitually.

Notice which of your fearful fabrications you can toss away forever.

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WHAT CAN YOU DO?

Your IQ isn't going to change. Your EQ can probably only be improved a little. You can't increase your speed of comprehension much. And you can't do a lot about the natural rate of decline in what you remember.

Besides all that, you know almost nothing at all about most areas of life! What can you do?

You can accept the human condition and stop worrying about how you compare - to test scores, to yourself in the past, or to others. You can focus on using what you know right now, today,
to your own best advantage.

Knowing #3: Your Core Beliefs

If you've read the first two topics on "knowing," you can see that there are many things we don't know and never will know. And yet we survive. How do we do that? We do it by adopting a few core beliefs that we use to explain all the things we don't understand. These beliefs are helpful,
because they make us think we are right when we really need to believe it. But every such belief is also wrong to some extent because the truth is that much of the time we just don't know.

OPEN AND CLOSED SYSTEMS OF THOUGHT

Someone with an open-ended system of thought knows that some day they might be proven wrong. They aren't afraid of being wrong, so they are open to new information when it comes along.

Someone with a closed-ended system believes they can never be proven wrong. They always have a way of explaining away any new information that comes their way.

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"KISS AN ANGEL GOOD MORNING"

I was on my way to a workshop where I was going to teach about all this. The radio was playing a country song that kept repeating: "Kiss an angel good morning, and love her like the devil when you get back home."

I decided I'd tell the class that I could explain absolutely everything through this belief. "Ask me anything," I said.

Here are some of the questions I got, and my answers to them:

"Why are so many people depressed?" They don't have a good lover to kiss in the morning and love like the devil when they get back home.

"What about anxiety?" They know they need that lover and they worry that they'll never get them or keep them.

"Why did W.W.II happen?" So many people felt hopeless about having a lover that they were furious.

"What about heaven and a hell?" Heaven provides a continuous lover. Hell is being deprived of it forever.

All I needed to explain absolutely everything was to start with the belief that I could do it! (Try it yourself! Use any belief you like. It can be fun, especially in a group.)

CERTAINTY

To be right about absolutely everything you only need to be so insecure that you adopt an idea and fight to the death to maintain it.

If this seems like an exaggeration, realize that every war was about two groups who were each willing to die for their own closed-ended belief.

YOUR MOST BASIC CORE BELIEF

Try to identify your own core belief. Yours is probably unique, but a few of the most common ones are: Take what you can get. It's all about honesty. It's all about love. It's all in God's hands.
Everybody's out to get you. Just live for today.

A PERSONAL EXAMPLE

My own core belief is close to "It's all about love." It's important for me to realize that my system cannot explain Hitler and other such horrors.

I still like my system though, because it explains more to me about how the world works than any other. But I'm never shocked to learn that there are things I just can't explain.

Whatever your core belief is, know there are going to be some big exceptions to it. Be proud of yourself for noticing these exceptions when you find them. Know also that if you find too many exceptions you will eventually change your belief to something you see as more reasonable.
It might be wise to see a therapist during this transition.

BEWARE OF CLOSED SYSTEMS

People with closed systems don't get along with anyone who disagrees with them.
And eventually that's everyone. They find themselves thinking and saying some quite ridiculous things (like the "Kiss an Angel" stuff).

Those who are most intent about maintaining their beliefs take the huge risk of going through an extremely painful emotional deterioration when they finally have to face that their house of cards has fallen.

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WHY HAVE ANY SYSTEM AT ALL?

We just have to. We can do without it for a few weeks or months but eventually we will need some way to explain to ourselves how everything we don't understand works!

It's the human condition.

So get used to saying: "I may be wrong, but what I think is...."

Knowing #4: Making Educated Guesses

I've been trained in psychology by some of the best. But one of the most helpful things I ever learned came from an undergraduate statistics course. It was about estimating probabilities.

But please don't run away screaming, "I hate math!" I'm going to talk about something you do a hundred times a day. And it's something you are already good at too.

AN EXAMPLE

When you flip the light switch you expect the light to come on. Sometimes it doesn't. After you change the bulb, you again start to believe that it will come on every time. You've learned that the odds (the "probabilities") are so much in your favor that it's smart to keep expecting it to work even though you know that sometimes you will be wrong.

I want you to be comfortable doing this throughout your life even when it comes to major life decisions.

MAJOR DECISIONS

Here are some examples regarding serious decisions. Notice how the decision almost makes itself
if you consider the probabilities:

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1) "I'm getting married in October. I wonder if it will rain."
Look up the usual rainfall in October. See the odds. Make your decision accordingly.

2) "My mother is drunk about half of the time when I visit and she's always nasty then. What should I do?"
Expect her to be drunk half of the time and call ahead to check it out before you visit.

3) "My boyfriend hit me twice in the last two years. He always apologizes and he really means it.
Should I stay with him?"
Expect him to hit you at least once a year, and apologize like he means it every time. Then decide.
Always ask yourself: "What are the odds?"

WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

Some things are certain: If you gamble often enough, you will pay the casino their precise cut.
That light bulb will work thousands of times before it burns out.

THE ODDS ABOUT PEOPLE

Things are less certain when it comes to human behavior.

Will your child come home late today?
Will your partner want sex tonight?
Will you have meatloaf for dinner?

You can't answer such questions with certainty. But you can bank on the fact that you know your child, your partner, and the cook very well. You have to make your best guess.

If you know the person well and you aren't lying to yourself about it, you are going to be right about four times out of five and wrong about it the other time.

How do I know? There's a principle in statistics about it. I've tested it quite regularly over the years. I won't bore you with the details, but I will encourage you to test it for yourself. If you know the person well, your best guesses should be close to the 4 out of 5 level.

If I'm wrong, let me know. (One disclaimer: If you are dealing with chaos, such as in addicted families, all bets are off.)

PAST AND FUTURE

If you want to know how your relationship will go in the next six months, expect that it will go about like it did the last six months.

If you want to know how a senator will perform during their next term, expect that he or she will do about the same as they did during their first term.

The best predictor of the future is the past. It's not certain but it's your best bet. If you know the facts well, you will be right about 80% of the time.

BEING WRONG

If you are wondering whether someone will make a good partner or whether to put all your money into one investment, it would be awful to be wrong.

But you will be wrong on your biggest decisions, even when you have plenty of information,
at least 20% of the time.

You can hate that you were wrong but don't hate you!

You can't do any better than to take your best shot.

Enjoy Your Changes!

Everything here is designed to help you do just that!

next: Perfectionism

Siblings experience their sister's or brother's special needs in a number of ways and at different levels.

How parents explain to their children the challenges a disabled sibling faces varies greatly but is most complex when a child's condition goes beyond a relatively obvious physical impairment. There is a qualitative difference between blindness and mobility impairment, for example, and developmental or psychological disabilities that can affect a person's capacity for decision-making. In essence, a limit to a person's ability to exercise his or her agency is a more substantial impediment to the goal of reaching autonomy. In addition, many of the latter disabilities tend to present over time, the development of an infant's or young child's capabilities being so reliant on a variety of opportunities at home and therapeutic interventions.

Of course, one always must find an age-appropriate explanation for children. Young people experience their sister's or brother's impairments in a number of ways and at different levels. The relation alters over time and across various stages in their lives. Not unlike parents who initially grieve the loss of the child they expected and then hopefully, learn to embrace their child as the person she is, kids too experience a sense of loss that ebbs and flows.

Many non-disabled children, whether younger or older, tend to take on an elder sibling role. They may help with the child's physical care or, as does one young boy in the narratives that follow in my book, commit to memory the exact medication doses and schedule that this brother needs so that he can inform an auntie or babysitter when his mom can't be present. Our kids seem to learn early to defend their siblings. I doubt this varies a great deal from other sibling relationships, but the need may arise more often if a child with special needs is made fun of or otherwise castigated in public. In best-case scenarios, I have seen young children emulate their parents' level of comfort with their disabled child.

Again, I do not presume that these family relationships are necessarily substantially different from those in so-called ordinary families. But I do believe there are some qualitative differences that engender additional layers of complexity and which require parents' attention. It may take a conscious effort by parents to foster the complex attachment between these siblings. When a brother does not speak and only communicates with his eyes and sounds, everyone in the family must learn to interpret what is wanted. If we imagine an English-speaking family where (for some reason) one child speaks only Cantonese, perhaps we can grasp how extra attention and effort toward communicating effectively must occur.

I also believe the knowledge that a non-disabled child is likely to accrue in the family is, on balance, enriching, notwithstanding that there may be times that she wishes for a "real" brother, as my daughter expressed at age five when we were enjoying a weekend visit with a family bursting with vocal, active kids. In short, perhaps our kids learn early that life isn't always fair and/or there are not fully scientific, rational explanations for everything that occurs. I am convinced that the way in which parents frame their explanations of disability to their children profoundly affects the nature of family relationships.

Research indicates that some non-disabled children feel a need to compensate for their siblings' limits in order to please their parents. Some mothers told me that they were conscious, in celebrating their non-disabled kids' activities at school or sports, of not wanting to put extra pressure on them to achieve. Others were aware that the non-disabled child occasionally experienced guilt because he was fine while his sister has certain challenges. Some non-disabled children feel jealous that less time (and likely less energy and/or financial resources) is available for a visit to the zoo or to go to a hockey game.

My daughter missed her brother because he lived far from our home. I think, moreover, that especially when she was between ages five and ten, she would have liked a companion to play with in our home, without having to wait for a play date on the weekend. On occasion, I even wondered if she was picking a fight with me because, in the absence of a sibling nearby, she would bounce her scrappiness off me. Her friendships became increasingly important as she became older - as for many children - and she found intimacy with certain youngsters that gave her the sort of closeness one might enjoy with a sister or brother. It is quite possible that these traits are simply indicative of how only children mature.

(The above was excerpted from the book: Battle Cries: Justice for Kids with Special Needs ).

YES THERE IS. Anger and annoyance come from the conclusions you've drawn about the meaning of an event. You conclude that you were insulted or disrespected, and then you feel anger in response to the disrespect.

For example, when someone does X, it means they think you're stupid. But what if that's not what it means? Then your anger would just be needless suffering, right?

Try this: Next time you feel angry or annoyed because someone did something, ask yourself what you think the action meant. Then ask yourself What else could it mean? Your first conclusion might not be the best one, so ask it a few times. Your anger will diminish as your certainty about the meaning of the event diminishes.

to learn more about this click here

Here's a conversational chapter on optimism from a future book:
Conversation on Optimism

If worry is a problem for you, or even if,you would like to simply worry less even though you don't worry that much, you might like to read this:
The Ocelot Blues

Learn how to prevent yourself from falling into the common traps we are all prone to because of the structure of the human brain:
Thoughtical Illusions

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next: Immediate Relief

Pregnant women are much more likely to give birth to babies with a low birth weight and microcephaly - a condition in which the brain is not fully developed - if they have ever suffered from an eating disorder, the results of a new study indicate.

A team of researchers followed the progress of 49 non-smoking pregnant women, all of whom had previously been diagnosed with eating disorders. Twenty-four of the women had anorexia nervosa, 20 had bulimia and five had an unspecified eating disorder.

Their progress was compared to 68 healthy pregnant women who had never had an eating disorder.

The study found that 22% of the participants had a relapse of their eating disorder during their pregnancy. Furthermore all were at an increased risk of severe vomiting during the pregnancy, whether the eating disorder was in the past or still active.

In relation to the babies, those with an eating disorder were more likely to give birth to smaller, lower weight babies. Again this was the case whether the eating disorder was in the past or still active.

"Pregnant women with past or active eating disorders seem to be at greater risk for delivering infants with lower birth weight, smaller head circumference, microcephaly* and small for gestational age", the researchers concluded.

(*Microcephaly is a congenital condition in which the baby's head is abnormally small in relation to the size of the body. This is due to the fact that the brain has not fully developed.)

next: Eating Disorders: Compulsive Exercise in Teens
~ eating disorders library
~ all articles on eating disorders

Part One

Triumphant Journey - Introduction
Overview
Tragedy in Overeating: Answers that Don't Work

Part Two

Are You An Overeater? A Check List
Personal Rewards in Freedom from Food Tyrany
The Dilemma in Recovery
Preparation for the End of Overeating

Part Three

Exercises to Stop Overeating: 1 - 10
Exercise in Kindness

Part Four

Time of Decision
Necessity of Inner Secrets
Are You Curious about Your Secrets?
The Darker Side of Secrets - Moving to the Unknown

Part Five

The Creation of an Overeater -- Mary's Story
Discussion of Mary's Story
Mary Grows Up - Early Stages of Becoming an Overeater

Part Six

Twenty Inner Secret Discovery Questions

Part Seven

Secret Discovering Exercises
Action Plan
Next Appointment with Yourself

Part Eight

Using Affirmations

Part Nine

Forms Of Help Beyond Triumphant Journey Cyberguide

next: Triumphant Journey - Introduction
~ eating disorders library
~ all articles on eating disorders

Perpetrators of child physical abuse need anger management and parenting techniques to reduce the risk for recurrence of the physical abuse.

Every family that experiences child physical abuse is different. Therefore, effective interventions must target the problems and deficits specific to each family that increase the risk of physical abuse to a child (see Who Would Hurt A Child?).

An inability to appropriately control and express anger is an example of a risk factor that is frequently associated with parents who engage in child physical abuse. For these parents, anger management would be a useful intervention. Goals of anger management include:

• the lessening of heightened arousal levels during challenging parenting situations
• the improvement of abusive parents' coping skills
• the reduction of the probability that parents will have uncontrolled emotional reactions that end in physical abuse

Techniques that can be used to attain these goals include:

• training parents in the use of positive imagery and relaxation methods
• helping them identify when they are angry before their emotions get out of control
• teaching them how to come up with thoughts that help them stay calm

Another risk factor associated with child physical abuse is social isolation, a concern that can be addressed through the use of education and support groups. Parents also engage in physically abusive behaviors because they are unaware of effective parenting techniques and the effects of child physical abuse. Educating these parents about such useful skills as:

• active listening
• unambiguous communication
• nonviolent means of discipline
• setting meaningful rewards and consequences for specific behaviors

can go a long way towards reducing the risk for the recurrence of physical abuse and help with healing from child physical abuse.

Interventions focusing on skills training should give parents plenty of opportunities to observe others model parenting techniques and should also provide parents with role-playing and real-life exercises that allow them to practice what they've learned in a safe, non-threatening environment. These interventions can also allow parents to receive honest feedback about their parenting behaviors from experienced professionals.

Finally, other conditions that go beyond simple deficits in knowledge or difficulty managing anger can interfere with the ability of parents to appropriately discipline their children. These include external pressures such as:

• financial problems
• interpersonal difficulties like marital strife or domestic violence
• serious mental health conditions such as schizophrenia, major depression, and drug abuse problems

When these circumstances are linked to physical abuse, wide-ranging solutions must be sought, whether this means connecting parents with appropriate social services or locating referrals for marital counseling, psychotherapy or psychiatric care.

Sources:

• Administration for Children and Families
• National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse and Neglect Information
• National Institutes of Health - National Library of Medicine
• U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect

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next: Effects of Child Physical Abuse
~ all articles on child physical abuse
~ all articles on abuse

There are personal, professional, and legal reasons why professionals and caring citizens should become involved in preventing and reporting child abuse and neglect.

When Should Child Physical Abuse Be Reported?

All fifty states currently have mandatory child abuse reporting laws in order to qualify for funding under the Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act (CAPTA, 1996; U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2001). Although all states have some type of child abuse reporting law, each state differs in their application of mandatory reporting laws. (see How to Report Child Abuse)

Mandatory reporting refers to a legal obligation to report suspected or known child physical abuse or child maltreatment. Many people do not know that failure to report carries a legal penalty. Mandatory reporting legislation overrides any professional code of conduct or ethical guidelines. For example, although psychologists must maintain client confidentiality, they may break this confidentiality if a client reports that a child is being abused. Medical practitioners, psychologists, police officers, social workers, welfare workers, teachers, principals, and in many states film developers are all mandatory reporters. Several states have broadened the list of mandatory reporters to any person suspecting abuse.

Although mandatory reporting laws vary from state to state, there are some general guidelines to follow when determining whether to report abuse. The most obvious would be when a child reveals that he or she has been abused. However, often it will be a sibling, relative, friend or acquaintance that reveals the abuse. In some cases, a child may reveal that he or she knows someone who being abused. In such a case, there is a legal responsibility to report the abuse to the proper authorities, either the police or Child Protective Services.

As noted earlier, there are many signs of child physical abuse. Based on observations of a child, if abuse is suspected, it must be reported. It is important to note that proof of abuse is not required to make a report. The requirement is whether there is knowledge or suspicion of abuse. If there is suspicion or knowledge, the name of the suspected abuser and child should be reported to Child Protective Services or the police. Most states have toll-free child abuse reporting hotlines where anonymous reports can be made. There is also a national child abuse hotline provided by Childhelp. Contact The Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1.800.4.A.CHILD (1.800.422.4453).

The National Incidence Study of Child Abuse and Neglect reports that there has been a forty-one percent increase in the number of reports made nationwide since 1988 (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2001). However, reporting abuse does not necessarily mean that all abused and neglected children are being identified. Some research has indicated that many professionals fail to report most of the maltreated children they encounter. Hence, underreporting continues to be a major problem in the war against child abuse.

Sources:

• Administration for Children and Families
• National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse and Neglect Information
• National Institutes of Health, National Library of Medicine
• U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect

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next:   Effects of Child Physical Abuse
~ all articles on child physical abuse
~ all articles on abuse

When your bipolar disorder is stable, that's the time to set up a plan for a balanced lifestyle. Learn what that entails.

Health/Physical

Illness

• become well-informed about bipolar disorder
• have adequate medical, psychological follow-up
• do not stop bipolar medication without consultation
• recognize early signs of mania and depression and get help immediately, adjusting bipolar medication can prevent some relapses

Exercise

• exercise regularly. For the more enthusiastic, swimming, biking, hiking, otherwise, even walking is beneficial

Diet

• become informed about nutrition
• eat a well-balanced diet

Self-Care

• attend to grooming needs
• treat oneself to a new look, haircut, clothes

Family

• give emotional support to family by listening, by acknowledging positive actions, by encouraging
• seek emotional support from family
• participate in activities alone, with spouse, together with family, with extended family
• re: illness, decide mutually, steps to be taken if one becomes ill again and refuses treatment. Such planning can do much in preventing misunderstandings and in minimizing stress later on

Financial/Work

• consider a savings plan for money to be used during a relapse when there is often financial stress
• if over-spending during illness is a problem, consider:
  1. discarding credit cards
  2. having spouse, public trustee, temporarily in charge of finances
• set goals at workplace
• if unemployed:
  • take steps to get a job
  • take a course
  • do volunteer work
  • attend a day program
• set goals/priorities for home projects

Community/Social

• maintain or develop social ties. Social ties provide stimulation, emotional support and a source of meaning in one's life. They are so important that even the perception of having social ties is a crucial factor in increasing one's ability to cope with stress.
• attend a community recreational centre
• consider volunteer work in worthwhile causes
• consider joining a manic-depressive support group, a social group, a religious organization
• if there are difficulties relating to people, consider therapy

Intellectual/Personal Development

• develop an interest and pursue it, e.g. reading books, newspapers, writing, archery, canoeing, gourmet cooking
• looking for ideas in local newspapers, flyers, university continuing education courses

Spiritual

• take time to do nothing - meditate, ponder
• some people find walks in nature or reading inspirational writings, spiritual
• others like to address spiritual needs through communal worship, religion

next:

Help Wanted: Adults to coordinate growth and development of new product from inception to maturity. Must be willing to take responsibility for health, safety, education, emotional well-being and social development. Minimum 18 year commitment. Hours: 24/7. Pay: Meager. Guidelines not fully developed; instructions not included. No potential for promotion or advancement.

No one in their right mind would apply for this job. And yet every year, millions of adults begin a task that is long, difficult, sometimes scary -- but always rewarding. They become parents (read some Parenting Quotes for inspiration).

As CEO of the Child Welfare League of America (CWLA), I have worked with experts and seen many studies that reinforce the fact that no one is born knowing how to be a parent. It's something we all have to learn. CWLA provides a curriculum for parenting education to more than 18,000 child care, preschool and Head Start centers that use these materials to train thousands of parents of young children in positive parenting techniques. CWLA is working to give parents the information they need and want to make parenting more enjoyable and more effective.

CWLA envisions a future in which families, neighborhoods, communities, organizations and governments ensure that all children and youth have the resources they need to grow into healthy, contributing members of society. To help achieve that goal, CWLA provides the following 10 tips for positive parenting.

1. Appreciate the value of play: it is a child's work. Play is critical to all aspects of a child's development, but is often overlooked as a valuable tool. Play can prevent discipline problems, offers a natural way for children to learn, and is essential in the formation of a positive relationship between parent and child.

2. Talk with and listen to your child. It's important to make eye contact and use gentle touch when communicating with your child. Give clear and consistent instructions -- but not too many at once. Remember the importance of non-verbal communication, and be sure to hold a child for comfort or to share smiles and hugs.

3. Build your child's brain and body. Provide healthful meals and snacks and model good eating habits. Encourage exercise by being active with your child and limiting time in front of the television or playing video games. Support your child's efforts in school and provide opportunities to learn and explore by visiting the library, museums, zoos and other places of interest.

4. Be your child's first source of information. Encouraging your children to ask questions now, makes it easier for them to ask questions when they are older. By answering questions from your child with honesty and openness, you can create a relationship of mutual trust and respect that can prevent your child from developing unsafe habits or taking unnecessary risks.

5. Learn how children develop and know your unique child. When it comes to your child, the real expert is you, the parent. Know all areas of your child's development -- physical, intellectual, social, emotional and moral -- and remember there is nothing to be ashamed of if your child needs special help to progress at his or her own best rate.

6. Cherish your child's individuality. Support your child's interests and talents. Try to spend time alone with each of your children every day. Praise your children's differences and avoid comparing them or asking why they can't be like someone else.

7. Set your household up for success -- make it work for the whole family. Model and teach good safety habits and establish routines. Discuss and enforce family rules that work for your household -- for example, putting toys away after play.

8. Take care of yourself. If you are tired, ill or just worn out, you cannot be an effective parent. Eat healthfully, get enough sleep, take occasional breaks from parenting if possible, and enlist the support of family, friends and neighbors when things seem overwhelming.

9. Make time for family activities. A sense of belonging is enhanced when families take time to engage in common activities such as having meals together and sharing tasks and responsibilities. Use family time to discuss need and feelings, to solve problems and promote cooperation.

10. Teach your child right from wrong. A child's understanding of right and wrong develops slowly, from within. Actively teach your children a code of moral conduct and lay the groundwork for them to develop their own moral guide.

Sources:

• Child Welfare League of America

• The information in this article is available as a keynote called "The 10 Commitments of Networking." An expanded version, including information in the article, "Networkings' Top Ten Hot Ideas!" and many more networking ideas are available as Larry's most popular three hour business seminar, "Networking: Making the Right Connections"

To begin, let's look at a carefully worded definition of business networking. . .

Networking is. . . using your creative talents to help others achieve their goals as you cultivate a network of people strategically positioned to support you in your goals. . . expecting nothing in return! ~ Larry James

Having a clear understanding of the definition of networking is a prerequisite for networking success. What you put out to the universe, always comes back to you! Disappointment may follow if you expect a return from the person to whom you have contributed. Networking is about building supportive personal and business relationships; it's consistently meeting new people and making new friends, sharing ideas and having lots of fun in the process!

Making a commitment is often most difficult when you are not sure of what you want to accomplish from your networking adventures. That is why the first commitment is so important.

Commitment #1 ~ Blueprint Your Life! No Purpose. No Goals. First, define your purpose. Know Purpose! Know Goals! Design your future by setting goals. Decide what you want.

Commitment #2 ~ Accept Responsibility! Be accountable to yourself for the choices you make and for the consequences of your actions.

Commitment #3~ Be Coachable! Listen for and be open to new ideas and suggestions others in your network of support may offer.

Commitment #4~ Show Up! Be places that count. Get involved in charitable and community projects. Be seen. Attend business and professional meetings. Networking opportunities are everywhere!

Commitment #5~ Be Yourself! Demonstrate your own authenticity. Be unto others as you would have them be unto you. Be real.

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Commitment #6~ Pay attention! Look for opportunity! Talk 20% of the time! Listen 80% of the time!

Commitment #7~ Contribute! Networking is contribution; it's helping others help themselves! Allow others to contribute to you!

Commitment #8~ Ask For What You Want! Tell people what you need. They can't read your mind.

Commitment #9~ Say "Thank You!" Express appreciation. Acknowledge others for their contribution to you. Be creative with your gratitude!

Commitment #10~ Stay Connected! Be in touch! Never forget the people in your network of support and never let them forget you!

Always remember the five most important words you can say while networking:

next: Networkings' Top Ten "Hot Ideas!"