Future chapter by Adam Khan, author of Self-Help Stuff That Works

WORK AND RELAXATION make music together. They are the up and the down, the yin and the yang, the rhythm of a good life.

Relaxation is good for you. Over the past 30 years, a tremendous amount of research has been done on relaxation and meditation, and the findings are truly amazing. Relaxation can lower blood pressure and cholesterol levels, help prevent heart disease, relieve or even prevent headaches, reduce pain, help control hypertension, help you sleep better and cure insomnia, alleviate panic attacks, improve your ability to come up with creative solutions to problems, increase your memory and ability to learn, improve your energy level, improve your self-esteem, reduce depression, improve your relationships and your health, and make you feel better in general.

But the kind of relaxation these folks studied was not what most of us mean when we say, "Yeah, I had a relaxing weekend." They were studying a more concentrated, more profound form of relaxation, and you cannot get it watching TV. The relaxation that produces those results requires you to relax your mind as well as your body.

One of the major players in that research is a medical doctor named Herbert Benson. He coined the term "relaxation response," which is what he calls the physical changes that take place when people meditate or relax profoundly. It's the antidote and flip-side of the "fight-or-flight response" the adrenaline-pumping reaction we get to dangerous, threatening or stressful situations.

Benson's first experiments were on practitioners of TM (Transcendental Meditation), a form of "mantra" meditation. A mantra is a word or phrase repeated over and over to oneself. If this is done with a passive, non-forcing attitude, it changes your body. Heartbeat and metabolism slow down, the level of blood-lactate goes down, and the electrical pulsing of your brain slows down and becomes more rhythmical.

Benson found you can repeat other words besides the Indian mantra given to students of TM and it still produces the same changes. Some forms of Yogic and Zen meditation also produce the same changes. So do Autogenic Training and Progressive Relaxation.

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And when you relax like that for twenty minutes once or twice a day, all kinds of good things happen to your body. It's extremely healthy and it feels good. It's psychologically healthy. It's the antidote to stress. People who relax like that have a less intense reaction to stressful situations, and they recover from them faster than people who don't. In other words, instead of a person's heartbeat going from 70 to 120 beats per minute during an argument and returning to 70 in an hour, it might go from 70 to only 100 beats per minute, and return to 70 in a half hour. That kind of change is healthy for your body and good for your relationships and gosh darn it, it's just more fun! Stress is unpleasant. Stress is dysphoria.

When blood-lactate levels drop during relaxation, it stays down afterwards. This is one reason you feel so good afterwards. Blood-lactate has something to do with anxiety. When you measure the blood-lactate level of someone who feels anxious, you'll find a lot of it. When you give someone a shot of lactate intravenously, they suddenly feel anxious.

I could go on and on the amount of research on this subject is extensive but I'm going to give you a technique you can use to produce the relaxation response for yourself. It works very well, and it's all you need. But keep in mind there are hundreds of ways to produce the relaxation response, and if you don't like this one, there are plenty more to choose from. This one is basic, however, and will produce the relaxation response we're looking for. Here it is:

How to Relax

1. Get into a comfortable position and close your eyes. Take a few deep breaths. Relax.
2. Repeat some word or short phrase over and over to yourself.
3. When you notice yourself thinking about something else, gently start repeating your word or phrase again.
4. When you think your time is up, open your eyes and look at the clock. If you aren't done yet, close your eyes and keep repeating.

Repeat your word or phrase fast or slow whatever is best for you. You can repeat it to the rhythm of your breath or not whatever you like.

The most important part of the process is Step 3. Biofeedback research has confirmed peoples' personal experience: Trying ruins it. People in biofeedback training who try to lower their blood pressure are the only ones who can't do it. When you try to concentrate or try to relax, you won't be able to. You need a passive, let-it-happen kind of attitude about it.

Your mind will often wander from your repeated word or phrase. No need to get bothered by that. Just bring your mind back to it. Over and over again. It's the process of doing this that's good for you not some end state or goal you reach. Drifting off and noticing it and bringing your mind back to your repeated phrase is the process. And it's this process that gives you all the benefits.

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The attitude to have is a combination of persistence and acceptance. You persist in repeating your word and you accept it when your mind wanders, but you still persist in repeating your word again, while accepting that you wandered off.

Most of the studies were done on people who did this kind of relaxation "15-20 minutes, once or twice a day," so that's what I recommend. Put a clock where you can see it. By the time the 15 or 20 minutes are over, you're usually going to feel very relaxed, which is why I don't recommend you set an alarm or buzzer to tell you your time is up. It can jar you and that's the opposite of the relaxation response.

Don't expect anything. Sometimes you'll feel deeply relaxed and almost blissful afterwards, sometimes you won't. It's a good session either way. Sometimes your mind will drift, sometimes it won't. It's a good session either way. And sometimes you'll just fall asleep, and that just means you probably didn't get enough sleep the night before. Even that's okay: naps are good for you too.

Since you can pretty much repeat anything you want and it will work, I suggest you repeat something that has some meaning for you. The shorter, the better. Soft sounds - M's and N's and Sh's - work better (are more relaxing) than hard sounds: K's and P's and Q's.

During the relaxation response, your brainwaves slow down and become more steady and rhythmical. These are called "alpha" and "theta" brainwaves. There's a good deal of evidence that we are more suggestible in those states than in our normal waking state (a "beta" brainwave pattern). Since you're already in this suggestible state when you relax, you can (and might as well) make use of it by giving yourself suggestions. The word or phrase you repeat can be a suggestion, and/or at the end, when you're still relaxed with your eyes closed and your time is up, you can take a minute or two and give yourself some positive suggestions. For example: "When I open my eyes, I'll feel refreshed and alert," or, "Tonight I will have a dream that will give me an idea for a solution to a problem." You might as well take advantage of your suggestibility while you have it.

That's all there is to it. It's easy and enjoyable. It takes a little time, but it's worth it. This is something that not only has long-term benefits, but also feels good in the short-term.

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THAT'S NOT ALL. Relaxing yourself makes the world a better place. You make a scientifically-verifiable difference to your family, friends, and the world at large by relaxing yourself regularly. Experiments by psychologist Gary Schwartz showed that people who relax regularly have lower anxiety levels and fewer psychological problems. Regular relaxation also improves your ability to pick up subtle perceptual cues and increases your empathy. And research by Ronald Riggio, Ph.D., proved what our everyday experience tells us: moods and attitudes are contagious.

Add these findings together and it means that if you relaxed regularly you would be better at resolving conflict with people; you'd be able to come together with people more harmoniously to reach compromises that are good for everyone. The world needs more people like that.

And since moods are contagious and since relaxing regularly puts you in a better mood and makes you more calm and relaxed, the people around you will also be in a better mood and be more calm and relaxed, which is good for them like it's good for you. You can help your children and your spouse and your friends and your co-workers be healthier, happier and have better relationships just by relaxing yourself.

Everything goes better with relaxation. Work. Relationships. Social interaction. Talking with children. Sex. Relaxation is good.

It's an old Chinese saying that if you want to change the world, change your government, and if you want to change your government, change your family, and if you want to change your family, change yourself. You can make a step in that direction by relaxing.

You can never look into the future to figure out
whether you will succeed or fail. The answer is:
All in Your Head

Learn how to prevent yourself from falling into the
common traps we are all prone to because of
the structure of the human brain:
Thoughtical Illusions

If worry is a problem for you, or even if you would
like to simply worry less even though you don't worry
that much, you might like to read this:
The Ocelot Blues

next: How Being Irresponsible Can Improve Your Life

Co-ed Settings Skew Body Image

When it comes to eating, women are less apt to graze under the male gaze. That's because they feel heavier than other women when men are around.

A study of 101 female college students found that women at coeducational schools significantly underestimate the body size of their peers. Women at single-sex schools are far more accurate in their estimates.

This error may have dire consequences. Catherine Sanderson, Ph.D., an assistant professor of psychology at Amherst College, found that women who erroneously believe their peers are thinner than they themselves are have higher rates of eating disorders.

Students at co-ed Amherst College and all-female Smith College answered questions about their ideal body size, their estimate of the average woman's height and weight, and how often they thought the average woman exercises. They also answered questions about their own eating habits.

Sanderson's findings, recently presented to the Society for Personality and Social Psychology, show that only the women attending co-ed Amherst wrongly perceived their peers to be thinner than they themselves were. Among this group, "the thinnest women are the only ones who feel 'normal,' " says Sanderson.

Sanderson attributes this to social discourse. She speculates that women want to emphasize their femininity and fitness when men are around, so they talk more about skipped meals or long workouts but don't mention embarrassing binges or lapses in their exercise regimens. As a result, women wrongly assume that their peers eat less, weigh less and exercise more than they actually do.

Women at Amherst who believed they were heavier than average were more likely to display signs of eating disorders, while women with the same belief at Smith did not have a higher rate of exhibiting such signs.

Previous work by Sanderson suggests that if women are told they are misjudging other women's weight, disordered eating may decline.

next: Woman's Belly is Soulful, Not Shameful
~ eating disorders library
~ all articles on eating disorders

Get insight into what it's like being a rape survivor and dealing with rape. Here are my early journal entries after I was sexually assaulted.

At the end of my freshman year of high school, when I was fifteen years old, I trusted a nineteen year old friend and left my home late at night to go for a walk. We walked to a playground at the elementary school near my house, where he suggested that we sit down to talk. He raped me next to the mouth of the orange tube slide.

I told no one.

He told his friends, and they told their friends, etc., that we had consensual sex. I was branded a slut and tormented for the next two years. To this day, when I hear someone yelling in my vicinity, I think that they are talking about me, laughing at me, "How many STDs did you get, host monkey?" You are so dirty. Why don't you just kill yourself?

During the summer before my senior year, I moved from Massachusetts to Virginia. One night, I told a friend about my past and I began the process of healing.

I've made a lot of progress since that night. I told a member of a confidential support group at my college and just recently, I told my roommate. Every time I tell the story, it gets a little easier. I know that I still have a long way to go, but I have a support system now, people I can rely on when I have bad days. I feel that I am strong enough now to support those who are just beginning this journey. It's really hard and it's really scary, but we can do this, together.

Well, that was cheery and optimistic, huh? I really don't feel like that all the time. Right now, I feel pretty crappy. I feel pretty alone.

I've noticed that I have a major problem with people touching me (male and female), in any way. It's like I exude stay away from me rays or something. I think that I really do. I freeze up when people hug me or even do something as simple as touch me on the arm. I don't know why I just realized this. In any case, it has really been depressing me, because I hate feeling...different. Not different in a good way, different in a bad way. I feel like I'm the only one in the room that freezes up when the word "rape" is mentioned. I feel like I'm the only one who feels weird when someone puts their arm around me.

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I wrote an article for my college newspaper about something like this...you can read it if you want.

It's late. I'm going to bed.

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Okay, that was a bad day. Luckily, they're not all like that.

Today I completed my application for Safe Space, the student-run, sexual assault support / activist group on my campus, which included an essay. Hopefully, I'll get in. I encourage everyone, when they're ready, to take part in a group like this. Reaching out to other rape survivors really helps you regain the sense of empowerment that is lost when you are sexually assaulted. It's like...not only is he losing his power over me, but I have the strength now to help others.

I really believe that survivors should stick together and help each other. It's so difficult to go through something like this alone -- I know -- I tried to do it for three years. I just want to let everyone know that I am here to listen and to be a friend.

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The last two weeks of my life have been some of the scariest. Two weeks ago, I finally found the strength (with the help of a very good friend) to get tested for HIV. I was convinced that the man who raped me had given me a deadly disease as well. I don't know how I would have survived the last couple weeks (it takes two weeks for the result to come back) if it weren't for a friend, who spent many late nights calming me down and another friend who accompanied me to the clinic. This experience gave me a topic for the short story that I had to write for my creative writing class.

The test came out negative, which was a giant relief, to say the least. Anyway, since my professor wouldn't accept my claim that I shouldn't have to fill the ten-page requirement for the short story (the one about being tested was only five pages), I had to write a second one, which is about the struggle to put the feelings after a rape into words.

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I got into Safe Space. Yay! I had my first meeting today and I think that the people in it are really nice. It means that I'll have to speak to groups, such as fraternities, about sexual assault, which will be hard, but I think it'll be good for me.

On a side note, I've decided to live in a single next year. I think that I need to be able to control my environment more than if I was living in a double with a roommate. What this means is that I've had to meet with a whole bunch of people in the administration to explain my situation, which had been hard. The last couple of days have been tough because of that, but I think that it will be worth it.

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Tuesday, May 11th, 1999

Okay, I don't know why it hasn't occurred to me to date these entries before, but they'll be dated from now on. I told one of my close guy friends about my rape, and he has been really great about it. It is always wonderful when a friend reacts well to your rape survivor story. I am so grateful to him for being supportive.

I really think that once people are allowed to see the human side of rape victims (it's like Katie Koesner said, "One-in-four: your mother, your sister, your girlfriend, your daughter" which one would you choose? Because no one is going to take your one-in-four. Statistics don't work like that"), they really make the connection that rape is a giant problem and that they need to be sensitive to the fact that they probably know a lot of people who have been raped.

The other thing that happened isn't as uplifting. I broke up with my boyfriend of one year. The first person who I told about my rape. The person who has been there for me through everything. Who had held me when I was crying, who was with me through the horrible two weeks of the HIV test, who taught me how to love again, and be sexual again and trust again. We broke up.

My world has not come crashing down, and this is, I think, part of becoming a survivor. He has been a huge support to me during my healing, but I have learned to stand on my own two feet. I'm not saying that this doesn't hurt, because it hurts very much. I loved him. I know that I will be okay. And where am I going with this? Here: we're strong. All of us. We're strong people. And bad things can happen to us, and we can be okay. I know that right now, you may be feeling like you are the weakest person in the world, but you are a survivor, and you are strong.

Wednesday, June 30th, 1999

I am at home right now. I came home from college three weeks ago. It's very hard to be back here. I have had two panic attacks since I got home and I absolutely hate panic attacks, so I'm really frustrated right now. I hate being at home because it makes me feel like I've made absolutely no progress in my healing. Here, I feel nervous all of the time, I have flashbacks more frequently and depression slowly creeps in and takes hold of my life. I find myself crying all the time for no reason and I have been sleeping an insane amount, which my mother is convinced is a thyroid problem (I had to have blood taken today so my doctor could test for this alleged thyroid disorder), but I am sure is just a symptom of the depression that is caused from being at home. It sucks because I love my family, but I hate my hometown and what it does to me.

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Have I recommended Tension Tamer tea before? I probably have, but I'm just going to do it again. It totally sounds like some kind of voodoo cure, but I find that it really helps me calm down. And it's made by Celestial Seasonings, which is a company and not a cult, I promise. Anyway, back to what I was saying. I really do hate it here, and I know that once I go back to college, I'm going to have to make up for the ground that I will have lost while at home, but that's okay, because I know that I will be able to get back on track and continue healing. It just sucks right now.

Sunday, July 4th, 1999

Happy 4th of July, everyone. Last night, I started the Courage to Heal Workbook. I was pretty sure of two things: 1) that since the book is geared towards survivors of childhood sexual abuse, that it wouldn't apply to me and 2) that I would breeze through the entire book in one night and be done with it.

Well, it turns out that I was completely wrong. The book is really valuable for survivors of all kinds of abuse...or at least, the first couple pages are, which is all I got through before I burst into tears and had to stop. So much for finishing the whole thing in one night. Ah, reality checks. Aren't they fun? I'm going to try again.

This book is really good at making you look at your feelings, so I recommend it to anyone who is at the stage that they think they can handle something like this (and it's important that you are ready, because it is hard. I'll REPLACE INTO this page with my progress as I go through the book.

Friday, July 9th, 1999

Well, here's an interesting turn of events...

Remember the doctor that I went to see a couple weeks ago for my mother's crazy thyroid-disorder allegation? I went to see her again yesterday (because my mother made me) and told her that I was having panic attacks (although I have not told my mother that), so she prescribed Paxil. I thought that this was probably a good idea (although my first reaction was "NO MIND ALTERING DRUGS! AAAAAAH!"), since it is supposed to help deal with panic attacks.

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I'm a little nervous because there are about five billion side effects, but I have decided to brave the world of antidepressants and try it.

I haven't made much progress in the Courage to Heal Workbook in the last couple days. I found that I was really really angry after doing the first chapter or two (unresolved anger sucks) and I ended up throwing the book and then collapsing on my bed in tears. So, needless to say, I've decided to take a few days off. And hey - maybe the Paxil will keep me from going into more book-slaying fits. Ah, antidepressant humor.

Thursday, July 29th, 1999

I have returned home from a trip and I will be in my hometown for the next two weeks. I feel as though I've been pushed hard against the ground, like the wind has been knocked out of me. I am in a state of hyper-awareness as if I must stay alert at all times to avoid an attack. The first thing I did when I got home was clean and organize my entire room. I filled my bed with stuffed animals and put a VCR in my room, so I can watch movies late at night when I can't sleep. I felt like I was setting up a fortress to hide in.

Today I have been trying to figure out why I feel so vulnerable and scared all the time. I think that it has to do with all of the work I've been doing in Courage to Heal Workbook. For the last few weeks, I have been working through the book and as the book got harder, I leaned heavily on my boyfriend for support. He became my source of comfort - the person who helped me through panic attacks and held me while I cried. Now, he's absent entirely from my life. I'm sure that this, in addition to being back in my hometown after being away for several weeks, is why I feel panicked constantly.

I have not yet decided what I should do until he gets back. I could put away The Courage to Heal and stopped reading Telling: A Memoir of Rape and Recovery (the novel by Patricia Weaver Francisco that I am currently reading). That, on the one hand, would allow me to hide in my bubble, up in my room, and avoid anything triggering. On the other hand, I should probably learn to heal on my own.

I just don't feel very strong right now. I want to hide in my bed with my stuffed animals. I should probably get off my butt and push on with my healing.

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Thursday, July 29th, 1999

I didn't sleep until 6:30 in the morning last night. When the sun came up and my room was lit, I finally fell asleep. Every day makes the next seem like an impossible task. When I'm awake, I live in a haze, zoning out completely so I don't have to think about anything. I dread leaving the house because I am afraid that I will see the man who raped me - he lives only a few streets down. I am a prisoner. All of the work I did has removed the scar tissue and created an open wound in my life. Unfortunately, I am no longer healing. Fear keeps me from pushing on with the book. I can't take the next step alone, and that knowledge disappoints me - I am ashamed of this fear.

I have an image of myself stuck in my head. I am standing beneath several feet of quicksand - not in, but under, so when I look up, the sky is yellowed by the sand above me. I am staring at a piece of twine in my hand that is supposed to hold my weight as I attempt to climb, hand over hand, out of the pit. The image itself is exhausting - when I space out, it plays over and over again until something from the physical world jars me out of my head and I realize what I have been thinking about.

I'm too far in my healing to drown and too weak in this place to climb. So I sit here, staring at the twine.

Wednesday, August 4th, 1999

I'm feeling a lot better. I started taking an over-the-counter sleep aid called "Unisom" at bedtime, so I've been sleeping through the night. Today, I talked to my doctor and she said that the Paxil is probably what is causing insomnia and that I don't have to worry if I continue taking the Unisom to help me sleep (which was good news because I was sure I would become addicted to it). I also asked my doctor for a referral to a therapist who specializes in rape survivors. She's talking to her referral expert and I have to call one of the counselors in my area and see if I can track down someone. Taking these steps on my own, without my boyfriend here to hold my hand, makes me feel a whole lot better.

Saturday, September 2nd, 1999

I told my best friend! She was so great about it. I don't know what helped me to do it, but suddenly I was just talking and talking and telling her everything. I feel so much better now and she was so supportive and wonderful. Yay!

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Monday, January 10th, 2000

Wow. A whole lot has changed since my last entry.

I am transferring from Union to Oberlin College.

I am a little nervous about moving from one school to another. I had sort of figured out the "safe" and "not safe" places on Union's campus and I am not looking forward to having to figure all of that out again somewhere else. Yucky.

I'm going to be living in a single at my new school as I did at Union. Of course, I still have my trusty pepper spray, which makes me feel safer even though I'm not sure that I know how to use it correctly.

Anyway, the change should be good. I was beginning to feel very exposed at Union (which happens when you run the story of your rape in the school newspaper), and although I think it was a great step in my healing, I'm looking forward to being anonymous for a while.

Friday, March 3rd, 2000

Today I got an email from Debbie Andrews of RAINN (The Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network). She wanted me to speak on a talk show called Trackers on the oxygen channel. They were doing a show about sexual assault. So I agreed and what I had to do was call an 800 number at a certain time and then they kept me on hold while I listened to the show, and then eventually they were like, "Hi Lis, blah blah" and started talking to me. IT WAS BIZARRE.

Well, you won't believe it. After I spoke on the show, I signed online (I was supposed to stay on the phone to listen to the rest of the show) to check my mail. As soon as I signed on, I got an instant message from Shannon, who I have been friends with for a year or so) and she said, "So, are you Lis from Ohio? Cause I'm on next!" I couldn't believe it. She was on the show, too! We chatted while we were listening to the show. Isn't that funny!

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I'm really glad that I got the opportunity to do the show. I think it airs on March 25th. The show is called "Life in Progress." Check it out if you get a chance!

Wednesday, March 28, 2001

Okay, so it has been over a year since I last wrote in this journal and a whole lot has changed. I am in love with a wonderful man, who is coming to therapy with me to deal with "sex issues." Our sexual relationship is the healthiest by far of any that I have been in, but since I have huge issues surrounding sex, we thought it would be a good idea to work on them before they became a problem. I am also in individual therapy.

Recently, I was able to take part in the Boxes for Pandora documentary. It was a really great experience and I think it is going to make a wonderful film. You should check it out if you get a chance.

I also got a dog, which was one of the things on the home safety list that I hadn't done yet. He is a big, scary looking dog, too, which helps me feel safe. He is an American Bulldog and I got him from my local animal shelter. My boyfriend also has a dog (a Golden Retriever), and since we began living together, I have had two big dogs to protect me. I highly recommend it. They really help me to feel secure in my apartment, and I have even felt safe enough to take a couple walks at night with my boyfriend and the two dogs.

So that is basically where I am right now. I stopped taking Paxil about five months ago and now I take Xanax for panic attacks. They are very few and far between, though, because I am really dealing well with the rape and its after-effects right now.

next: Legal Definition of Rape
~ all Escaping Hades articles
~ all abuse library articles
~ all articles on abuse issues

How Do You Recover from Rape?

As a rape or sexual assault survivor, you may feel isolated, like no one understands. Recovery from rape doesn't mean that it's as if the rape never happened, but healing from rape trauma is possible.

Putting the Pieces Back Together

Trauma can cause psychological as well as physical pain. Trauma can fracture our integral parts (thinking, feeling, sensing, and behavior).

Here are some of the psychological symptoms of rape trauma that you can experience:

• Confusion
• Difficulty sleeping
• Headaches
• Increasing fears
• Overeating
• Difficulty concentrating
• Unexplained emotional outbursts
• Panic attacks
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Palpitations

Why treat rape trauma?

If the trauma causing the above symptoms is not treated, they can worsen and develop into the following patterns and problems:

• Distressing memories or dreams
• Loss of interest in what were meaningful activities.
• Emotional numbing
• Increased anger feelings
• Increased health problems
• Feelings of detachment or separation from others and self
• Restricted range of emotions, such as inability to have loving feelings

Deciding on Getting Treatment for Rape

For many rape victims, it's easy to put off getting treatment because the memory of the event is so painful or so feared that it seems best to avoid it. Some people even deny that the event occurred, or that it bothered them. Unfortunately, evidence and clinical experience show that memories of traumatic events do not just fade away like other more trivial memories.

Traumatic memories stay with you until reprocessed in dreams or in therapy. When dreams are recurrent and interrupted by sleeplessness, they can not serve the function of desensitizing the feared material. Putting off dealing with traumatic memories just makes the work you'll have to do in therapy more complicated and lengthy.

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Treatment of PTSD

The treatment of traumatic stress (or Posttraumatic Stress Disorder) involves re-experiencing the traumatic events. In therapy, you should learn from these incident(s) that what you did was probably the best you could have done to survive at the time.

Once traumatic events have been fully re-experienced in this way, they should not re-emerge in dreams or in waking thoughts (flashbacks or intrusive thoughts).

The goal of therapy for traumatic incidents, like rape or sexual assault, is to desensitize the person to these events. The prognosis for therapy of PTSD is generally favorable without the use of medications. This is especially true if treatment can begin relatively soon after a single traumatic incident. Treatment of chronic or early trauma is more complex, but perhaps even more valuable.

How long will the psychological effects of rape last?

The mental and emotional effects of rape may last a lifetime, but crisis counseling and rape support groups can help reduce long-term effects and help a rape victim cope with feelings of isolation, guilt, depression, or anxiety.

It's important to get emotional and psychological support. Contact a hospital, psychologist, social worker, or rape crisis center to find out about the resources available to you. You may benefit from a rape support group where you can share your feelings with others who have had a similar traumatic experience.

Do not isolate yourself. Allow family members to provide emotional support. There are family counseling programs for family members who need help dealing with their concerns and increasing their ability to provide emotional support.

next: Safety Tips and Self-Defense Against Rape
~ all Escaping Hades articles
~ all abuse library articles
~ all articles on abuse issues

Physical trauma from rape may include cuts, bruises, and abrasions in the pelvic area as well as elsewhere on the body.

After you have been raped, it's very important to see a medical doctor. There may be physical injuries that need immediate attention:

• injuries from beating or choking, such as bruises, scratches, cuts, and broken bones
• swelling around the genital area
• bruising around the vagina
• injury to the rectal-vaginal area (for example, tearing of the tissue that connects the anus to the vagina)
• sexually transmitted diseases (such as herpes, gonorrhea, AIDS, and syphilis)
• possible pregnancy (in a regularly menstruating female).

How long will the physical effects of rape last?

The physical effects of rape can last from a day to a few months, depending on the extent of the injuries involved. Schedule a follow-up visit so the doctor can make sure that any injuries are healing properly. The doctor will also want to make sure you are not developing any complications of rape.

It's also important to see a doctor in case the rapist is prosecuted.

What about psychological trauma?

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next: Guilt and Shame of Being Raped
~ all Escaping Hades articles
~ all abuse library articles
~ all articles on abuse issues

"Somebody will come backstage and go, 'You saved me.' And I will have to say, 'Stop right there. You saved yourself'." - Tori Amos

Singer, Tori Amos, describes how she survived the night of her rape.

"I'll never talk about it at this level again but let me ask you. Why have I survived that kind of night, when other women didn't?

How am I alive to tell you this tale when he was ready to slice me up? In the song, I say it was Me and a Gun but it wasn't a gun. It was a knife he had. And the idea was to take me to his friends and cut me up, and he kept telling me that, for hours. And if he hadn't needed more drugs I would have been just one more news report, where you see the parents grieving for their daughter. And I was singing hymns, as I say in the song, because he told me to. I sang to stay alive. Yet I survived that torture, which left me urinating all over myself and left me paralyzed for years. That's what that night was all about, mutilation, more than violation through sex.

I really do feel as though I was psychologically mutilated that night and that now I'm trying to put the pieces back together again. Through love, not hatred. And through my music. My strength has been to open again, to life, and my victory is the fact that, despite it all, I kept alive my vulnerability."

Me and A Gun

5 am friday morning thursday night far from sleep
i'm still up and driving can't go home obviously so i just change direction cause they'll soon know where i live
and i wanna live got a full tank and some chips
it was me and a gun and a man on my back
and i sang "holy holy" as he buttoned down his pants
you can laugh it's kinda funny the things you think at times like these

like i haven't seen barbados so i must get out of this
me and a gun and a man on my back
but i haven't seen barbados so i must get out of this
yes i wore a slinky red thing does that mean i should spread
for you your friends your father mr. ed
and i know what this means me and jesus a few years back

used to hang and he said "it's your choice babe, just remember
i don't think you'll be back in three days time so you choose well"
tell me what's right, is my right
to be on my stomach in fred's seville
and do you know carolina where the biscuits are soft and sweet
these things go through your head when there's a man on your back

and you're pushed flat on you stomach it's not a classic cadillac

me and a gun and a man on my back
but i haven't seen barbados so i must get out of this

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The best defenses against rape, and ways to protect against rape, take no training. They are:

• Yelling, running away and calling the police
• If you feel uneasy about someone, don't let them isolate you.
• Make a scene if you must.
• Get to where other people are.
• Use your viewer to see who is outside before you open the door.
• Never let someone in if you feel uneasy about them.
• Teach your children not to let others come into your home without your permission.
• If someone wants to use the phone you can take the number and make the phone call for them.
• Never enter your home alone if you think someone has entered illegally.

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next: Safety Ideas to Prevent Sexual Assault
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Safety considerations to protect yourself from stranger rape and date rape.

TO AVOID STRANGER RAPE

At Home

• Use deadbolts; window locks; peepholes; timers for lights, radio, TV, and outside security lights.
• Never open door to strangers; require ID of service or repair people.
• Plan several escape routes from your home.
• If you are a single woman - use only initials at door and in the phone book. Pretend there is a man at home if someone calls.
• If you come home and something looks wrong or different - do not enter; go to a safe place and call the police.

On the Street:

• Go with others.
• Vary routines; go different ways at different times.
• Know where the safe places are; businesses that are open late, homes where people are up late, etc.
• If a situation feels wrong, get away fast.
• Stay away from bushes and parked cars; walk in the center of the sidewalk or road.

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In Your Car:

• Always lock doors - when you are in the car and when you leave it, even if only for a short time.
• Park near lights at night.
• Have keys in hand when leaving the building for car, or leaving the car for building.
• Drive with windows mostly closed.
• Keep the car in good working order and keep the gas tank at least 1/4 full.
• In case of a breakdown, stay in the locked car; if assistance is offered, request that police be called.

On the Job:

• Do not work late alone; keep company with others.
• Go to the parking lot with others or ask security to accompany you.
• Vary route (and time if possible) to and from work.
• Maintain assertiveness with coworkers.

TO AVOID DATE RAPE

• Decide on your personal sexual limits; know what you will do or will not do.
• Communicate clearly - make sure your date understands your sexual limits.
• Be assertive - stand up for your rights. You have a right to protect your body.
• Avoid alcohol and drugs - they may impair your thought and action.
• Date with friends until you feel comfortable with a new date. Never leave a bar or party with someone you have just met. Don't let yourself be isolated.
• Stay in control - offer to share expenses so there is no question of "owing" your date. Carry extra money to get you home or to make a phone call for help.
• Trust your intuition - if you feel that there is something wrong with a person or situation, get away immediately.

Remember: No matter how many or how few safety precautions you use, it is never your fault if you are raped.

next: Supporting Someone Who Has Been Raped or Sexually Assaulted
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Because of what happened to me, I spend a lot of time thinking about and discussing ways to make our lives safer from sexual assault.

I've never met a group of women who couldn't come up with hundreds of great ideas to prevent sexual assault. Here are a few examples to get you started thinking about how to make your own life safer.

1. Think about how you carry your car keys. Do you hold your keys in the hand you are most likely to use to defend yourself, your dominant hand? Learn to open your car and house doors with either hand. Consider wearing your keys on a bracelet-style chain; then if you let go they won't drop.
2. What information are you giving out without even realizing it? Carrying your mail in plain view, for instance, gives anybody who looks the gift of your name and address.
3. If your answering machine says, "Hello, this is Susan," it may sound like you're a woman living alone. If it states your phone number, know that people can use that to find out where you live. Consider what you want phone callers to know about you. And then have some fun with it!

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next: Protecting Yourself From Stranger Rape and Date Rape
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Telling others about being raped is a personal decision. For me, I found it healing. Here's how I told others about being raped.

It took me three years to find the strength to say three words, "I was raped."

They were words I buried because I didn't understand what had happened to me and felt ashamed because I thought it was my fault. After I told my first person that I had been raped - something changed. Suddenly the vague nightmare of my freshman year took shape and the monster that had haunted me for years had a form and a name: rape. And with this name came the understanding that what had happened to me was not my fault - a crime had been committed and I was the victim of that crime.

I began telling more people. First, I wrote my "rape survivor story" - a primitive outline of the details I was finally allowing myself to remember, and submitted it to a survivor site called "Welcome to Barbados." Having my story on this site was empowering - I was fighting back and telling those who visited the site that I was a survivor of rape and that it wasn't my fault.

The word "healing" entered my vocabulary and I found that for me, "telling" was essential to healing. When I got to college, I told my roommate and the friends I made. I started my own survivor site and continued telling there. I joined a sexual assault prevention group and told them my story. Every time I tell someone that I was raped, I feel a little less under the rape's control - I gain back a little more power that I lost when I was raped four years ago.

"Telling experiences" are not always good ones. Sometimes my friends would react by acting uncomfortable or changing the subject. When this happened, I would just have to remind myself that the problem was not with me, but with society's attitude towards rape. People tend to want to ignore rape's existence because to acknowledge it is to acknowledge the fact that it could happen to them - something that few people can face.

Rape is grouped into a category of unspeakable horrors, and sadly, this fact hurts the survivor of rape. But every time I told my story, I knew that I was putting a face, my face, the face of someone these people cared about, on the unspeakable horror and that every time they heard the word for the rest of their lives, they could no longer brush it off. It happened to someone they knew.

Now, what about telling the police?

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