"1 But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: 2 For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, 3 unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, 4 traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away! 6 For of this sort are those who creep into households and make captives of gullible women loaded down with sins, led away by various lusts, 7 always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth. 8 Now as Jan'nes and Jam'bres resisted Moses, so do these also resist the truth: men of corrupt minds, disapproved concerning the faith; 9 but they will progress no further, for their folly will be manifest to all, as theirs also was."

(The Second Epistle of Paul the Apostle to Timothy 3:1-9)

Question:

Can narcissism be reconciled with a belief in God?

Answer:

The narcissist is prone to magical thinking. He regards himself in terms of "being chosen" or of "being destined for greatness". He believes that he has a "direct line" to God, even, perversely, that God "serves" him in certain junctions and conjunctures of his life, through divine intervention. He believes that his life is of such momentous importance, that it is micro-managed by God. The narcissist likes to play God to his human environment. In short, narcissism and religion go well together, because religion allows the narcissist to feel unique.

This is a private case of a more general phenomenon. The narcissist likes to belong to groups or to frameworks of allegiance. He derives easy and constantly available Narcissistic Supply from them. Within them and from their members he is certain to garner attention, to gain adulation, to be castigated or praised. His False Self is bound to be reflected by his colleagues, co-members, or fellows.

This is no mean feat and it cannot be guaranteed in other circumstances. Hence the narcissist's fanatic and proud emphasis of his membership. If a military man, he shows off his impressive array of medals, his impeccably pressed uniform, the status symbols of his rank. If a clergyman, he is overly devout and orthodox and places great emphasis on the proper conduct of rites, rituals and ceremonies.

The narcissist develops a reverse (benign) form of paranoia: he feels constantly watched over by senior members of his group or frame of reference, the subject of permanent (avuncular) criticism, the centre of attention. If a religious man, he calls it divine providence. This self-centred perception also caters to the narcissist's streak of grandiosity, proving that he is, indeed, worthy of such incessant and detailed attention, supervision and intervention.

From this mental junction, the way is short to entertaining the delusion that God (or the equivalent institutional authority) is an active participant in the narcissist's life in which constant intervention by Him is a key feature. God is subsumed in a larger picture, that of the narcissist's destiny and mission. God serves this cosmic plan by making it possible.

Indirectly, therefore, God is perceived by the narcissist to be at his service. Moreover, in a process of holographic appropriation, the narcissist views himself as a microcosm of his affiliation, of his group, or his frame of reference. The narcissist is likely to say that he IS the army, the nation, the people, the struggle, history, or (a part of) God.

As opposed to healthier people, the narcissist believes that he both represents and embodies his class, his people, his race, history, his God, his art - or anything else he feels a part of. This is why individual narcissists feel completely comfortable to assume roles usually reserved to groups of people or to some transcendental, divine (or other), authority.

This kind of "enlargement" or "inflation" also sits well with the narcissist's all-pervasive feelings of omnipotence, omnipresence, and omniscience. In playing God, for instance, the narcissist is completely convinced that he is merely being himself. The narcissist does not hesitate to put people's lives or fortunes at risk. He preserves his sense of infallibility in the face of mistakes and misjudgements by distorting the facts, by evoking mitigating or attenuating circumstances, by repressing memories, or by simply lying.

In the overall design of things, small setbacks and defeats matter little, says the narcissist. The narcissist is haunted by the feeling that he is possessed of a mission, of a destiny, that he is part of fate, of history. He is convinced that his uniqueness is purposeful, that he is meant to lead, to chart new ways, to innovate, to modernise, to reform, to set precedents, or to create from scratch.

Every act of the narcissist is perceived by him to be significant, every utterance of momentous consequence, every thought of revolutionary calibre. He feels part of a grand design, a world plan and the frame of affiliation, the group, of which he is a member, must be commensurately grand. Its proportions and properties must resonate with his. Its characteristics must justify his and its ideology must conform to his pre-conceived opinions and prejudices.

In short: the group must magnify the narcissist, echo and amplify his life, his views, his knowledge, and his personal history. This intertwining, this enmeshing of individual and collective, is what makes the narcissist the most devout and loyal of all its members.

The narcissist is always the most fanatical, the most extreme, the most dangerous adherent. At stake is never merely the preservation of his group - but his very own survival. As with other Narcissistic Supply Sources, once the group is no longer instrumental - the narcissist loses all interest in it, devalues it and ignores it.

In extreme cases, he might even wish to destroy it (as a punishment or revenge for its incompetence in securing his emotional needs). Narcissists switch groups and ideologies with ease (as they do partners, spouses and value systems). In this respect, narcissists are narcissists first and members of their groups only in the second place.

next:   The Dual Role of the False Self

• Watch the video on Narcissistic Contagion, Professional Victims

Narcissistic Branding and Narcissistic Contagion

Question:

Can inanimate objects serve as Sources of Narcissistic Supply?

Answer:

The Discarder

Any thing can serve as a Source of Narcissistic Supply, providing that it has the potential to attract people' attention and be the subject of their admiration. This is why narcissists are enamoured of status symbols, i.e., objects, which comprehensively encapsulate and concisely convey a host of data regarding their owners. These data generate a reaction in people: they make them look on, admire, envy, dream, compare, or aspire. In short: they elicit Narcissistic Supply.

But, generally, discarder narcissists do not like souvenirs and the memories they foster. They are afraid to get emotionally attached to them and then get hurt if the objects are lost or stolen or taken. Narcissists are sad people. Almost anything can depress them: a tune, a photograph, a work of art, a book, a mental image, or a voice. Narcissists are people who divorced their emotions because their emotions are mostly negative and painful, coloured by their basic trauma, by the early abuses that they suffered.

Objects, situations, voices, sights, colours provoke and evoke unwanted memories. The narcissist tries to avoid them. The discarder narcissist callously discards or gives away hard-won objects, memorabilia, gifts, and property. This behaviour sustains his sense of omnipotent control and lack of vulnerability. It also proves to him that he is unique, not like "other people" who are attached to their material belongings. He is above it.

The Accumulator

This kind of narcissist jealously guards his possessions - his collections, his furniture, his cars, his children, his women, his money, his credit cards...

Objects comfort this type of narcissist. They remind him of his status. They are linked to gratifying events and, thus, constitute Secondary Sources of Narcissistic Supply. They attest to the narcissist's wealth, his connections, his achievements, his friendships, his conquests, and his glorious past. No wonder he is so attached to them. Objects connected with failures or embarrassments have no place in his abode. They get cast out.

Moreover, owning the right objects often guarantees the uninterrupted flow of Narcissistic Supply. A flashy car or an ostentatious house help the somatic narcissist attract sexual partners. Owning a high powered computer and a broadband connection, or a sizable and expensive library, facilitate the intellectual pursuits of the cerebral narcissist. Sporting a glamorous wife and politically correct kids is indispensable in the careers of the narcissistic politician, or diplomat.

The narcissist parades his objects, flaunts them, consumes them conspicuously, praises them vocally, draws attention to them compulsively, brags about them incessantly. When they fail to elicit Narcissistic Supply - admiration, adulation, marvel - the narcissist feels wounded, humiliated, deprived, discriminated against, the victim of a conspiracy, and generally unloved.

Objects make the accumulator narcissist. They are an integral part of his pathology. This type of narcissist is possessive. He obsesses about his belongings and collects them compulsively. He "brands" them as his own. He infuses them with his spirit and his personality. He attributes to them his traits. He projects to them his thwarted emotions, his fears, his hopes. They are an integral part of him, inseparable, providing emotional succour.

Such a narcissist says: "My car is daring and unstoppable", or "How clever is my computer!", or "My dog is cunning", or "My wife craves attention". He often compares people to the inanimate. Himself he regards - literally, not only figuratively or metaphorically - as a computer or sex machine. His wife he views as some kind of luxury good.

Accumulators and Narcissistic Handles

Still, not all narcissists are like this. Accumulator narcissists take to objects and memorabilia, to voices and tunes, to sights and to works of art as reminders of their past glory and of their potential future grandeur. Many narcissists collect proofs and trophies of their sexual prowess, dramatic talent, past wealth, or intellectual achievements. They file them away almost compulsively. These are the Narcissistic Handles.

The Narcissistic Handle operates through the mechanism of narcissistic branding.

An example: as far as the narcissist is concerned, objects, which belonged to former lovers, are "stamped" by them and become their full-fledged representations. They become fetishes. By interacting with these objects, the narcissist recreates the narcissistic-supply-rich situation, within which the objects were introduced into his life in the first place.

This is a form of magical thinking. Some clairvoyants claim to be able to extract from an object all the information regarding the present, past and future states of its successive owners. It is as though the object, the memory, or the sound carry the narcissist back to where and when Narcissistic Supply was abundant.

This powerful combination of branding and evidencing is what gives rise to the Narcissistic Contagion. This is the ability of the narcissist to objectify people and to anthropomorphise objects in order to derive the maximum Narcissistic Supply from them.

On the one hand, he invests as much affection and emotions in inanimate objects as healthier people do in human beings. On the other hand, he transforms people around him into functions, or objects.

In their effort to cater to the needs of the narcissist, his closest, nearest and dearest very often neglect their own. They feel that something is sick and wrong in their lives. But they are so entrapped, so much part of the narcissist's personal mythology that they cannot cut loose. Manipulated through guilt, leveraged through fear, they become a shadow of their former selves. They have contracted the disease of narcissism. They have been infected and poisoned. They have been branded.

next:  The Narcissist and Social Institutions

• Watch the video on Narcissistic Immunity

Question:

Aren't narcissists deterred by the outcomes of their actions and behaviour? 

Answer:

In many respects, narcissists are children. Like children, they engage in magical thinking. They feel omnipotent. They feel that there is nothing they couldn't do or achieve had they only really wanted to. They feel omniscient - they rarely admit that there is anything that they do not know. They believe that all knowledge resides within them. They are haughtily convinced that introspection is a more important and more efficient (not to mention easier to accomplish) method of obtaining knowledge than the systematic study of outside sources of information in accordance with strict (read: tedious) curricula. To some extent, they believe that they are omnipresent because they are either famous or about to become famous. Deeply immersed in their delusions of grandeur, they firmly believe that their acts have - or will have - a great influence on mankind, on their firm, on their country, on others. Having learned to manipulate their human environment to a masterly extent - they believe that they will always "get away with it".

Narcissistic immunity is the (erroneous) feeling, harboured by the narcissist, that he is immune to the consequences of his actions. That he will never be effected by the results of his own decisions, opinions, beliefs, deeds and misdeeds, acts, inaction and by his membership of certain groups of people. That he is above reproach and punishment (though not above adulation). That, magically, he is protected and will miraculously be saved at the last moment.

What are the sources of this unrealistic appraisal of situations and chains of events?

The first and foremost source is, of course, the False Self. It is constructed as a childish response to abuse and trauma. It is possessed of everything that the child wishes he had in order to retaliate: power, wisdom, magic - all of them unlimited and instantaneously available. The False Self, this Superman, is indifferent to abuse and punishment inflicted upon it. This way, the True Self is shielded from the harsh realities experienced by the child. This artificial, maladaptive separation between a vulnerable (but not punishable) True Self and a punishable (but invulnerable) False Self is an effective mechanism. It isolates the child from the unjust, capricious, emotionally dangerous world that he occupies. But, at the same time, it fosters a false sense of "nothing can happen to me, because I am not there, I cannot be punished because I am immune".

The second source is the sense of entitlement possessed by every narcissist. In his grandiose delusions, the narcissist is a rare specimen, a gift to humanity, a precious, fragile, object. Moreover, the narcissist is convinced both that this uniqueness is immediately discernible - and that it gives him special rights. The narcissist feels that he is protected under some cosmological law pertaining to "endangered species". He is convinced that his future contribution to humanity should (and does) exempt him from the mundane: daily chores, boring jobs, recurrent tasks, personal exertion, orderly investment of resources and efforts and so on. The narcissist is entitled to "special treatment": high living standards, constant and immediate catering to his needs, the avoidance of any encounter with the mundane and the routine, an all-engulfing absolution of his sins, fast track privileges (to higher education, in his encounters with the bureaucracy). Punishment is for ordinary people (where no great loss to humanity is involved). Narcissists are entitled to a different treatment and they are above it all.

The third source has to do with the narcissist's ability to manipulate his (human) environment. Narcissists develop their manipulative skills to the level of an art form because that is the only way they could have survived their poisoned and dangerous childhood. Yet, they use this "gift" long after its "expiry date".

Narcissists are possessed of inordinate abilities to charm, to convince, to seduce and to persuade. They are gifted orators. In many cases, they are intellectually endowed. They put all this to the limited use of obtaining Narcissistic Supply with startling results.

They become pillars of society and members of the upper class. They mostly do get exempted many times by virtue of their standing in society, their charisma, or their ability to find willing scapegoats. Having "got away with it" so many times - they develop a theory of personal immunity, which rests on some kind of societal and even cosmic "order of things". Some people are just above punishment, the "special ones", the "endowed or gifted ones". This is the "narcissistic hierarchy".

But there is a fourth, simpler, explanation:

The narcissist just does not know what he is doing. Divorced from his True Self, unable to empathise (to understand what it is like to be someone else), unwilling to act empathically (to constrain his actions in accordance with the feelings and needs of others) - the narcissist is in a constant dreamlike state.

He experiences his life like a movie, autonomously unfolding, guided by a sublime (even divine) director. the narcissist is a mere spectator, mildly interested, greatly entertained at times. He does not feel that he owns his actions. He, therefore, emotionally, cannot understand why he should be punished and when he is, he feels grossly wronged.

To be a narcissist is to be convinced of a great, inevitable personal destiny. The narcissist is preoccupied with ideal love, the construction of brilliant, revolutionary scientific theories, the composition or authoring or painting of the greatest work of art ever, the founding of a new school of thought, the attainment of fabulous wealth, the reshaping of the fate of a nation, becoming immortalised and so on.

The narcissist never sets realistic goals to himself. He is forever floating amidst fantasies of uniqueness, record breaking, or breathtaking achievements. His speech is verbose and florid and reflects this grandiosity. So convinced is the narcissist that he is destined to great things, that he refuses to acknowledge setbacks, failures and punishments.

He regards them as temporary, as someone else's errors, as part of the future mythology of his rise to power, brilliance, wealth, ideal love, etc. To accept punishment is to divert scarce energy and resources from the all-important task of fulfilling his mission in life.

That the narcissist is destined to greatness is a divine certainty: a higher order or power has pre-ordained him to achieve something lasting, of substance, of import in this world, in this life. How could mere mortals interfere with the cosmic, the divine, scheme of things? Therefore, punishment is impossible and will not happen is the narcissist's conclusion.

The narcissist is pathologically envious of people and projects his aggression unto them. He is always vigilant, ready to fend off an imminent attack. When inevitable punishment does come, the narcissist is shocked and irritated by the nuisance. Being punished also proves to him and validates what he suspected all along: that he is being persecuted.

Strong forces are poised against him. People are envious of his achievements, angry at him, out to get him. He constitutes a threat to the accepted order. When required to account for his (mis)deeds, the narcissist is always disdainful and bitter. He feels like Gulliver, a giant, chained to the ground by teeming dwarves while his soul soars to a future, in which people recognise his greatness and applaud it.

next:  The Inanimate as a Source of Narcissistic Supply

Contents in Joy2MeU Site:

Introduction
About Co-dependence
Spirituality and Co-dependence
Healing
Romantic Relationships
Columns
The Book
Metaphysics
Resources

Introduction

• Joy2MeU Homepage
• A Little About Me: Robert Burney

About Co-Dependence

• About Co-dependence - Table of Contents
• What is Co-dependency, Co-dependence?
• How I Came to Understand the Term "Co-dependence" (Co-dependent)
• Alcoholism and Co-dependence
• The Death of an Alcoholic
• Grave Emotional and Mental Disorders
• Co-dependence Defined
• Codependence vs. Interdependence
• The Evolution of the Term "Codependence"
• Codependence as Delayed Stress Syndrome
• Being Co-dependent: A Dance of Suffering, Shame, and Self-abuse
• The Co-dependency Recovery Process: Mental, Emotional, Spiritual

Spirituality and Co-dependence

We are Spiritual Beings having a human experience - this is the polar opposite of the beliefs which underlie Civilization - it changes the whole game.

• Co-dependents and Twelve Step Recovery
• Truth (with a capital T) vs. Emotional Truth
• A Cosmic Perspective - the Kinder, Gentler Way
• Mystical Metaphysical Spirituality
• Spirituality for Agnostics and Atheists
• Co-Dependence: Spirituality As Relationship
• Spiritual Integration and The Co-dependent Recovery Process

Healing

• Feeling the Feelings
• Grief, Love, and Fear of Intimacy
• Grief Process Techniques
• Inner Child Healing Techniques
• Internal Boundaries: The Key to Spiritual Integration and Emotional Balance
• Learning to Love Our Self
• Positive Affirmations

Romantic Relationships

• The Heartbreak of Romantic Relationship
  • Facet 1:Causes and Symptoms
  • Facet 2: Outer Dependence
  • Facet 3: Shame Core - Inner Child Healing
  • Facet 4: Emotional Dishonesty - Emotional Intimacy
  • Facet 5: Sexuality
  • Facet 6: Metaphysical
  • Facet 7: Reasons to Take the Risk
• The Great Quest
• The Emotional Dynamics of Dysfunctional Romantic Relationships
• Toxic Love, The Dysfunctional Norm
• Romantic Relationships and Toxic Love - the Dysfunctional Norm Relationships and Valentine's Day
• Wedding Prayer / Meditation

Metaphysics

• Metaphysical Aspects of a Belief System Table of Contents
• Jesus & Christ Consciousness
• Jesus & Mary Magdalene - Jesus, Sexuality and the Bible
• A New Age of Healing and Joy
• New Age Misinterpretations of Metaphysical Truth
• Old Souls and Karma

Columns

• Stinking Thinking
• Emotional Release Technique - Deep Grieving
• Roles In Dysfunctional Families
• Recovering from Codependency: The Emotional Frontier Within
• Emotional Incest
• The Concept of Empowerment
• Codependence and Thanksgiving
• The True Nature of Love - Part I, What Love Is Not
• The True Nature of Love - Part II, Love as Freedom
• The True Nature of Love - Part III, Love as a Vibrational Frequency
• The True Nature of Love - Part IV,  Energetic Clarity
• Mother's Day
• Fathers
• Father's Day
• Codependence and Self-Worth
• 1994 Inaugural Speech
• Romance
• Happy, Joyous, and Free
• The Amazing, Magnificent, Miraculous, Magical, Fiery Eruption of Joy & Love & Dazzling Light
• An Adventure in Love - Loving and Losing Successfully
• Union Within
• Loving the Wounded Child Within
• Happy Holidays

Behaviors

• Behavioral Defenses
• About Passive-Aggressive Behavior
• Spring and Nurturing

The Book

• Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
• About the Author
• Author's Foreword

Resources

• Links

back to: Joy2Meu Homepage

Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves

I get irritated about media hype, especially around the holidays.

You'd think we are all perfectly happy people, from white-bread, socially-appropriate, "intact" families, with perfectly happy kids who are continually thrilled-to-pieces about how wonderful things are!

My wishes for each new year are for the rest of us (which, in my opinion, is ALL of us).

TO GROUCHY PEOPLE

I wish you someone to complain to for a while, followed by the realization that this doesn't make you feel any better.

Then, I hope you'll admit to someone who loves you that you are lonely and sad, not angry - and that you will accept their love even if you think you don't deserve it.

TO CONSTANTLY HAPPY PEOPLE

I wish you the ability to tell fantasy from reality, and the ability to be satisfied
with the amount of real happiness you do have.

And I wish you the knowledge that being unhappy some of the time does not mean that something is wrong with you.

TO PEOPLE IN UNSAFE RELATIONSHIPS

I wish you the courage to do whatever it takes to protect yourself and any children who need your protection.

And I wish you a good relationship after that.

TO PEOPLE WHO MORALIZE

I wish you a year of focusing on how much good FUN you can have!

Then I hope you will decide to care more about how you feel than about how you compare to others.

TO EVERYONE IN A LOVE RELATIONSHIP

I wish you a year of remembering that the main reason you are together is for touch - warm cuddling and exciting sex.

TO EVERYONE NOT IN A LOVE RELATIONSHIP

I wish you so many good and kind friends that your life is filled with hugs and many other kinds of "touch" (like being noticed, and valued, and trusted, and laughed with, and...).

And if you want a relationship, I hope that next year you will take the chances you need to take to get one.

And if you don't want a relationship, I hope you'll know you don't need one to have a good life.

TO PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY DON'T GET ANGRY

I wish you the courage to face how angry you really are sometimes so you will be able to protect yourself from mistreatment and get more of what you want each day.

And I wish you freedom from depression.

TO PEOPLE WHO ARE OFTEN BORED

I wish you the courage to notice and act on every safe and playful impulse you have.

I also wish that you will make many decisions based on the amount of safe excitement the activity will bring.

TO LONELY PEOPLE

I wish you the courage to say "Hello!" whenever you can - and to stay, instead of running away, after you've said it.

I wish you the knowledge that 95% of the people you meet will treat you well. And the knowledge that even when you do get mistreated there will always be plenty of good people to be with afterward.

TO "FRAZZLED" PEOPLE

I wish you the ability to make your decisions about time and energy based primarily on whether each activity is good for you.

I also wish you the ability to differentiate degrees of problems, so you won't think the world is falling apart each time someone disappoints you or you make a mistake.

TO PEOPLE WHO SPEND THEIR LIVES BEING SCARED

I wish you the courage to leave any real people who scare you and to get closer to all the safe people you know.

I also wish that you will take the time to notice and absorb how safe most people really are.

TO PEOPLE WHO SPEND THEIR LIVES PLEASING PEOPLE

I wish you the courage to put yourself first and to accept that you are good enough the way you are.

TO PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY CAN'T CHANGE

I wish for you to look back a few years and see how much you have changed and for you to realize that change is constantly happening and that you are in charge of almost all of it.

I WISH EACH OF YOU...

The courage to feel bad thoroughly when you need to, and to decide wisely, afterward, what to do about it.

The self-love to feel good thoroughly when you can, and to decide, afterward, how to get even more of it.

Good Health!
Good Friends!
And All The Love You Can Handle!

Enjoy Your Changes!

Everything here is designed to help you do just that!

next: Natural Anger

There are many myths surrounding domestic violence. By believing them we allow the problem of domestic violence to continue.

MYTH: Domestic violence does not affect many Americans.
FACT: A woman is beaten every 15 seconds in the United States. Additionally, 63% of young men between the ages of 11 and 20 are serving time for homicide for killing their mother's abuser.

MYTH: Battering is only a momentary loss of temper.
FACT: Battering is the use of violence and other forms of abuse to establish control and power in a relationship. One in five female victims reports having been battered over and over again by the same person.

MYTH: Stress causes battering.
FACT: Obviously some batterers experience stress, but stress does not cause abuse. Many men under severe stress do not batter. Even if the practitioner helps the batterer reduce his stress, the violence will continue or eventually resume because the batterer still feels entitled to assault his partner.

MYTH: Drugs and alcohol cause violence.
FACT: Addictions are used as excuses to free the batterer from responsibility for the behavior. This theory does not explain why the batterer uses violence, why he targets a woman for abuse, nor why he batters when sober. The addictive batterer must be treated for two separate problems--his addiction and his violence. He will not necessarily stop battering if he gains control over his addiction.

MYTH: Battered women provoke violence.
FACT: Any woman can find herself battered. The victim is not at fault but rather the batterer, the partner who has committed a crime. No one can be responsible for another person's deliberate choices and actions. Domestic violence victims, however, frequently hear comments from their abusers like, "I did it for your own good," or from outsiders, "you must have really made him mad." These statements can confuse a woman and lead her to take responsibility for the violence or blame herself. No matter what, domestic violence is not the victim's fault.

MYTH: Only women are victims of domestic violence.
FACT: Approximately 95% of those battered are women; however, in a small number of cases, women are the batterers and their male partners, the victims.

MYTH: The problem is couples assaulting each other.
FACT: Again, nearly ninety-five percent of victims are women. Although some women are violent to their partners--often even in self-defense-- it is impossible to understand battering by counting up the number of times one person hits another. Domestic violence is a pattern of abuse in an attempt to increase power and control.

MYTH: Domestic violence occurs only in poor urban areas.
FACT: Women of all cultures, races, occupations, incomes, and ages are battered by husbands, lovers, boyfriends, and partners. One in four pregnant women has a history of partner abuse.

MYTH: Domestic violence is a push, a slap, or a punch and does not produce serious injuries.
FACT: Battered women are often severely injured and even murdered. Between 22% and 35% of women who visit emergency rooms are there for injuries related to ongoing partner abuse.

MYTH: It is easy for a battered woman to leave her abuser.
FACT: Women who leave their abuser are at 75% greater risk of being killed by the abuser than those who stay. Nationally, 50% of homeless women and children are on the street because of violence in their home.

MYTH: Domestic violence does not affect children.
FACT: Child abuse occurs in up to 70% of the homes where domestic violence occurs. When a parent is victimized by domestic violence, their children are abused at a rate 15 times the national average.

MYTH: After a woman leaves an abusive partner, the abuse stops.
FACT: Separated women are three times more likely than divorced women, and 25 times more likely than married women living with their husbands, to be victimized by a batterer. Batterers frequently take advantage of court-ordered visitation to inflict harm on their former partners and their children.

MYTH: Batterers who seek custody do so out of love for their children and a desire to be good parents.
FACT: Custody litigation frequently becomes a vehicle whereby batterers attempt to extend or maintain their control and authority over the abused parent after separation. Fathers who battered the mother are twice as likely to seek sole physical custody for their children than are non-violent fathers.

MYTH: Allegations of child abuse increase significantly in divorce and custody disputes; women frequently fabricate allegations of abuse to hurt their former partner or to gain an advantage in custody disputes.
FACT: Allegations of child sexual abuse are rare, occurring in only 2-3% of all divorce cases and fewer than 10% of custody cases. Less than 1/2 of all allegations of abuse against fathers are made by the child's mother, most are made by third parties. Allegations of child sexual abuse are not more likely to be false when made during custody/divorce proceedings than when made at other times.

Source:
"Domestic Violence: The Facts" - A Handbook to STOP violence

next: Sexual Assault of Men
~ all abuse library articles

Thoughtful quotes about priorities and setting priorities.

Words of Wisdom

"I don't know anyone who wished on his death bed that he had spent more time at the office." (Peter Lynch)

"He preyed not to have more but to be more." (author unknown)

"We do not acquire goods in order to live, instead we live in order to acquire goods." (Peter Singer)

"There is only one success - to be able to spend your life in your own way." (Christopher Morley)

"The cost of a thing is the amount of what I will call life which is required to be exchanged for it..." (Thoreau)

"Presence entails fully knowing that babies, women, and the old are starving and being maimed by militarism justified by high ideals; that forests and seas are dying that there are fewer butterflies in our gardens, and more homeless on our streets." (Don Hanlon Johnson)

"One learns first of all in beach living the art of shedding; how little one can get along with, not how much." (Anne Morrow Lindbergh)

"Our life is frittered away by details...Simplify, simplify." (Thoreau)

"The value of a thing sometimes lies not in what one attains with it, but what one pays for it - what it costs us." (Nietzsche)

"There is no wealth but life." (John Ruskin)

"We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all that we need to make us really happy is something to be enthusiastic about." (Charles Kingsley)

"Greatness is not found in possessions, power, position or prestige. It is discovered in goodness, humility, service and character." (William Ward)

"If I were to name the three most precious resources of life, I should say books, friends, and nature; and the greatest of these, at least the most constant and always at hand, is nature." (John Burroughs)

"The great use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it." (William James)

"Life begets life. Energy creates energy. It is by spending oneself that one becomes rich." (Sarah Bernhardt)

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When you have a bipolar child, you can be overwhelmed with unwanted parenting advice from family, friends, even complete strangers. Here's how to handle that.

For Parents of Bipolar Children

Let's face it, all parents with a bipolar child have been in an embarrassing situation where the child is raging or otherwise being symptomatic in public, only to have the situation compounded by some well-meaning stranger that feels they have the answer to cure your "problem child." Or worse, tell you what a horrible parent you are. What do you do?

There are a number of ways to handle these situations. Some things that parents have used include boundary setting statements, surprise tactics, ignoring the person, educating through a few short statements or a flyer/business card with critical information.

Boundary setting statements

• "Just why do you feel you need to share that?"
• "That would be your opinion, I'm sorry you feel that way."
• The silent stare
• "Today I'm here to purchase groceries. Thank you, but I do not care for any advice."
• "I'm sure you mean well but I did not ask for advice."
• "My child is under the care of a qualified physician and I am following his prescribed treatment plan."

Surprise tactics (sarcasm)

• "Well, I would never have thought of that, thank you so much!"
• "You know how to fix him? That's wonderful! I appreciate your offer to take him for me. I sure need a break." (said with relief and excitement)
• "I'm so glad to finally find someone who knows how to fix my child. I've been searching for years now!"
• "Do you have any research studies to validate your claims?"

Ignoring

• Simply pretend you don't hear or see them
• Walk away while they are talking

Educating

• "My child has a neurobiological brain disorder called bipolar, this causes electrical 'storms' in his brain and results in this type of reaction."
• "My child has an illness. To learn more about it you can visit (url or support group like NAMI)."
• Business cards or flyers with information (a website URL, "My child has bipolar disorder, thank you for understanding," or "Caring for my child's illness is very difficult, thank you for your understanding."

Sometimes one method of handling these intrusions is easier than another. Some days, you just don't want to educate. Some days, you have had it up to 'here' and the surprise tactics are a way to let off a little bit of steam. It can be helpful to be familiar with more than one type of response. Choose what you are comfortable with. You may wish to rehearse some statements to become comfortable and familiar with them so they are easy to recall during that critical high-stress moment.

"We learned about life as children and it is necessary to change the way we intellectually view life in order to stop being the victim of the old tapes. By looking at, becoming conscious of, our attitudes, definitions, and perspectives, we can start discerning what works for us and what does not work. We can then start making choices about whether our intellectual view of life is serving us - or if it is setting us up to be victims because we are expecting life to be something which it is not."

Here I am, writing a column whose theme is relationships and Valentine's Day. In other words Codependence City!

Now, don't misunderstand me there is nothing wrong or bad about relationships or romantic love or Valentine's Day. What is dysfunctional - what does not work - is our definitions and expectations of these things, and ourselves in relationship to these things. If you will read the quotation above and substitute 'love' everywhere it says 'life' you will have a perfect quotation for this Valentine's season.

The reason that so many of us have a very hard time with relationships is because we are judging ourselves against the fairy tale of what relationships 'should be.' We have unreasonable expectations of ourselves.

We are all romantics. (I would guess that most anyone reading this would fall into the category of cynical romantic by this time.) We are all, on a very deep level, yearning to be reunited with our twin soul. We were taught that when we find our prince or princess we would live 'happily ever after.' So, it follows that since we haven't gotten to 'happily ever after' there must be something wrong with us. (This applies not only to those who are alone at this time, but also to people who are in a relationship and are feeling down because it is not magical all of the time anymore.)

There is nothing wrong with us! What is dysfunctional is what we were taught. We were taught a concept of love that is an addiction - with the other person as our drug of choice. We were taught (listen to almost any song, 'I can't live without you,' 'You are my everything' etc.) to make the other person our Higher Power. We were taught that we needed the prince or princess to make us happy and whole.

(Traditionally in this society women were taught to be codependent on - that is take their self-definition and self-worth from - their relationships with men, while men have been taught to be codependent on their success/career/work. That has changed somewhat in the past twenty or thirty years - but is still part of the reason that women have more of a tendency to sell their souls for relationships than men do. Codependence is all about giving outside or external influences power over our self-esteem. Everything outside of our 'self' - rather that is people, places and things or our own external appearance - has to do with ego-strength not self-worth. We all have equal Divine worth because we are transcendent Spiritual beings who are part of the ONENESS that is the Great Spirit/God-Force - not because of anything outside of us.)

Love is magical! It is wonderful. It is not a state of being which we can get into and stay in. It is a dynamic, changing process.

One of the biggest problems with relationships in this society is that the context we approach them from is too small. If getting the relationship is the goal, we will end up being the victim. If we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson. As long as our definition of a successful relationship is one that lasts forever - we are set up to fail. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship that will last forever, expecting it to last forever is what is dysfunctional.

We are in a time of massive, accelerated Karmic settlement, it is necessary for many of us to do many relationships. It is not bad or wrong - it is part of the Divine plan.

On this Valentines day if you are in a relationship, if you are in love, enjoy it. It is a wonderful feeling - just don't expect it to stay the same. Everything changes. Enjoy the moment and don't mess it up with dysfunctional definitions of what it 'should' become.

If you are alone, don't judge yourself and beat yourself up. Be kind and compassionate with yourself. Own the sadness that may come with being alone, do the grieving, but understand that you are on a journey - you are not trying to reach a destination. When we stop judging ourselves then we can begin observing and learning why we have a fear of intimacy, why we have dysfunctional relationship patterns, why it is so hard to connect with others. The more we can be conscious of our own personal 'whys' the more we can heal those wounds so that we can open up to receiving the Love we crave and deserve. But it has to start at home - it has to start with being Loving to ourselves, not judging and shaming.

What has helped me, more than anything else, to start learning to be Loving to myself is to stop and remember that there is a Loving Higher Power, a God/Goddess Energy that Loves you and me Unconditionally right in this very moment, no matter where we are, no matter if we are alone or in a relationship.

This is a column by Robert Burney

"The way to healthy interdependence is to be able to see things clearly - to see people, situations, life dynamics and most of all ourselves clearly. If we are not working on healing our childhood wounds and changing our childhood programming then we cannot begin to see ourselves clearly let alone anything else in life.

The disease of Codependence causes us to keep repeating patterns that are familiar. So we pick untrustworthy people to trust, undependable people to depend on, unavailable people to love. By healing our emotional wounds and changing our intellectual programming we can start to practice discernment in our choices so that we can change our patterns and learn to trust ourselves."

Column "Codependence vs. Interdependence" By Robert Burney

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MAKE YOUR WORK more enjoyable and productive with the following methods from the Worksection of Self-Help Stuff That Works

Dale Carnegie, who wrote the famous book
How to Win Friends and Influence People,
left a chapter out of his book. Find out what he meant to say but didn't
about people you cannot win over:
The Bad Apples

An extremely important thing to keep in mind is that
judging people will harm you. Learn here how to prevent
yourself from making this all-too-human mistake:
Here Comes the Judge

The art of controlling the meanings you're making is an important skill to master. It will literally determine the quality of your life. Read more about it in:
Master the Art of Making Meaning

What if you already knew you ought to change and in what way?
And what if that insight has made no difference so far? Here's how
to make your insights make a difference:
From Hope to Change

Here's a way to deal with conflict without getting angry,
and coming to good solutions:
The Conflict of Honesty

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