Part 8: Using Affirmations

Affirmations are an important aspect of success in ending a lifetime of overeating and many other unwanted behaviors.

A full month of following a new behavior is necessary to begin to establish new patterns and change a habit or mindset.

The new affirmation behavior in your Triumphant Journey is to say selected affirmations out loud three times every morning.

Repeating personally relevant affirmations on a regular basis for a month can help free your mind of negative thinking. Your thinking and sense of yourself can then begin to grow and expand in a healthy creative way. Stating affirmations can also help you accept your continually developing strengths and self-knowledge.

This section contains 134 affirmations. Choose which ideas seem most appropriate for you.

Choose affirmations if after reading them you think:

"If I really believed that, my life would be a lot better."

"I wish my life were like that."

"That's too good to be true."

Method: Choose one, three or five affirmations.

Read them out loud every morning three times.

1) Read out loud once as you stand in one place. This prepares your inner self to receive the affirmation.

2) Read out loud once as you walk around a room or outdoor area. This helps ground the meaning into your body and also makes the thought and feeling familiar and comfortable in particular and different environments.

3) Read out loud once in front of a mirror, looking at your reflection as you speak.This helps you see yourself listening and helps you accept the strength and awareness you are giving yourself.

Do this every morning for one month.

At the end of one month, add new affirmations to you list. You may subtract any affirmations you did the preceding month. Or, you may continue on with any of them. You will have a sense of what you need to do as you become engaged in the process.

Here is a list of 134 affirmations from which to choose. Feel free to add to your personal list at any time.

Affirmations
Know Thyself - Nothing in Excess

1. I happily nourish my body and receive full satisfaction from moderate meals daily.
2. I welcome all my feelings knowing they guide me to my true self.
3. I deserve love and respect as I am.
4. I enjoy excellent health.
5. I have abundant energy.
6. I enjoy the colors, smells, and feel of life around me.
7. I am confident in the workings of my mind.
8. I am trustworthy. I can rely on me.
9. I say "yes" only when I mean it.
10. I say "no" when I feel it and mean it.
11. I am efficient and creative in my work.
12. I have ample time to relax and enjoy life.
13. I am lovable.
14. I delight in learning. I take classes and read books on subjects new to me.
15. I invite friends to join me in simple pleasures.
16. I read aloud from my Triumpant Journey Journal and accept all my experiences as valid.
17. I learn more about my value and inner life every day.
18. I honor my mind, my body and my spirit every day.
19. I give myself respect and encouragement to grow as a kind and loving person.
20. I stand up for what I believe.
21. I am honest to myself and other people.
22. I know how to care for myself.
23. I can forgive.
24. I can love.
25. I am free.
26. I am getting better and better in every way.
27. Creativity is a blessing I accept.
28. I am generous with my creativity, myself and others.
29. I tolerate my feelings, think, decide and then act or not act in the best interest of all concerned, caring for myself and my loved ones.
30. I accept God/Goddess's help unfolding my life.
31. Courage unifies me.
32. I know what I know.
33. I shift from a limiting mental state to a limitless mental state easily and consistently.
34. I can find peace in myself.
35. I know when to let go and move on.
36. I explore where my creativity and bliss lead me.
37. I use anxiety to create.
38. I get adequate rest, exercise and nourishment.
39. I love my firends and family.
40. My friends and family love me.

Affirmations 41 - 134

41. Timely right action and correct conduct are my only true protection.
42. I attract large sums of money.
43. I stay on task: new tasks and old tasks.
44. I attract healthy, honest people into my life.
45. I am grateful to God/Goddess and people.
46. I am glad to be healthy and alive.
47. I exult in the success of others.
48. I keep my word to others.
49. I am handsome.
50. I keep my word to myself.
51. I expect the best.
52. I contribute to the happiness of others.
53. I follow through.
54. I ask for what I want.
55. I help others fulfill their goals.
56. I honor my integrity and the integrity of others.
57. I say clearly and wholeheartedly my yes and no.
58. I accept other people's way of using their personally developed healing and sustaining tools.
59. I accept others as they are.
60. I love.
61. I am thriving. The best is here for me to call into existence now.
62. I turn knowledge into positive action.
63. I share my goals.
64. I find my learning.
65. I share my tasks.
66. I share my dreams.
67. I let others help.
68. I am adult.
69. I am open
70. I let others know my life.
71. I let others in my life.
72. I tolerate others' anger and disappointment. I maintain the relationshiop and my course of action.
73. I create opportunities.
74. Wherever possible I turn negatives into positives.
75. I am glad to be publicly accountable.
76. I stay on task.
77. I am paid very well in money and respect.
78. I am lean, sexy and strong.
79. I am willing to succeed.
80. I believe my deep knowing.
81. I offer what I know in terms people can understand.
82. I am beautiful.
83. People are glad to be with me.
84. I attend to practical, concrete matters.
85. I make amends as soon as possible.
86. I make amends promptly with a steady presence.
87. I take timely right action and engage in correct conduct.
88. I live in an endless sequences of now moments.
89. I discard outmoded relationships including outmoded relaltionships with myself.
90. I create my future in now moments.
91. I am careful to honor my schedule and responsibilites.
92. I am clear amd calm.
93. People in my life are present for our mututal learning.
94. I treat humiliation as a teacher that helps me get my priorities straight - friends, family, community.
95. I follow up on my projecgts.
96. I interact with new people.
97. I succeed where I put my efforts.
98. I think the thoughts that will produce happiness in this situation.
99. I manage large and small sums of money well.
100. I speak what I know from my heart.
101. I trust people to be here for me.
102. People are glad to support me.
103. People are glad to love me.
104. People are glad to give me what I need.
105. People are glad to accept me.
106. People are glad to pay me.
107. I am smart.
108. I am creative.
109. I am desirable.
110. I am quick-witted.
111. I am healthy.
112. I am a good age to be.
113. I am attractive.
114. I take adequate action.
115. I am strong and calm.
116. I am playful and competent.
117. I am humble.
118. I care for myself.
119. I am finding my way in this new world.
120. I am creating opportunity.
121. I am winning by doing this exercise.
122. I am getting better and better in every way.
123. I forgive everyone I believe has wronged me.
124. I am temperate and courteous.
125. I forgive myself for all the hurts I have inflicted on myself.
126. I am open to receive and welcome love.
127. I am open to receive, welcome and return committed love.
128. I am creating a solid career that brings joy and satisfaction to me and the people I serve.
129. I contain my feelings, and think about what I am feeling and doing.
130. I am rooted in the soil of right action.
131. I deserve only success.
132. I am healthy.
133. I am prosperous and happy.
134. I breathe, enjoy, am honest, listen, learn, ask for what I want, follow my bliss and my honor. The rest unfolds as it is.

end of part 8

next: Part Nine: Forms Of Help Beyond Triumphant Journey Cyberguide
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~ eating disorders library
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Making Peace with Food

Women have related intimately with food since time began, as feeders and nurturers, harvesters, gatherers, and cooks. But in recent decades, this relationship has grown troubled. It can be said, in fact, that very few women today feel completely comfortable with food, eating, and the bodies their diets should nourish. Research has confirmed what any of us could have guessed - it actually is the norm in this country for women to be dissatisfied with their bodies, to worry about how much they eat, and to believe they should be dieting. What does this mean, and can we change it?

Thinking in the worst possible terms, this mindset implies that eating disorders, some of which are life-threatening and most of which are soul-torturing, are here to stay. Although the modern quest for thinness does not, in and of itself, automatically lead to eating disorders, dieting does precede most eating disorders. Consequently, this could also mean that the diet industry will continue to thrive while women who are not skinny will continue to feel depressed or inadequate.

Thinking a little more optimistically, we could anticipate an increasing awareness of the dangers posed by our diet-obsessed culture. More people could be alerted to the roots and results of ongoing body dissatisfaction and frequent dieting. In fact, such things are beginning to occur. Many individual women, however, continue to feel drained of at least some self-esteem and creative energy as a result of remaining fixed on the elusive goals of a perfect body and perfectly-regulated (never gluttonous) eating.

Understanding eating disorders as well as more "normal" kinds of unhappiness with eating and the body challenges us. These are complex matters that touch on our emotions, our physiology, our family histories, and our social and political context. This article lays a groundwork that will serve to help us achieve this understanding - and start, I hope, to help us make peace with food, our natural hungers, and the amazing bodies we are fortunate to possess.

I do not mean to exclude men from these discussions. I do, however, address these words to women directly, as women have much higher rates of eating disorders, as well as lesser forms of body dissatisfaction. Many men do suffer from similar ailments, though, and all are certainly invited to read, talk back in future chat rooms, and to ask their questions.

Defining Eating Disorders

People often wonder, when does "normal" dieting, or "normal" overeating, stop being normal and cross the line into an eating disorder? It is important to recognize that many, many people suffer from conflicted relationships with their eating. However, there are degrees of suffering and degrees of danger to health, with clinically diagnosable eating disorders inflicting the most of each. Eating disorders assume a few different forms.

Anorexia Nervosa is a condition in which a person literally starves the body of the nutrients it needs. People with anorexia often claim they are not hungry, strive to eat very little (even to the point of counting out flakes of cereal or individual grapes), and have an exaggerated, irrational fear of becoming fat. The fear of fat exists despite actual body size; in fact, the person afflicted may be very skinny or even skeletal. To be diagnosed with anorexia, one must be 15% below normal weight.

Common behaviors include denial of how serious the condition is, secretiveness about how much has been eaten, the wearing of baggy clothes to hide thinness, avoidance of social events where food will be present, and obsessions with cooking or feeding food to others. In women, menstruation stops. Physical symptoms can include hair loss, skin dryness, temperature deregulation (feeling cold all the time), brittle nails, sleeplessness, hyperactivity, the development of obsessions, and the development of soft, baby-like hair on the body called "lanuga." Some people who self-starve will occasionally binge eat and then get rid of the "damage" by purging or overexercising. People who are underweight and undereating to the point of anorexia also distort information and perception (as part of the disorder, not necessarily on purpose), so that no amount of "talking sense" - listing health dangers, noting the person's boniness - seems to make a difference.

Bulimia Nervosa refers to the condition in which large quantities of food are consumed in a way that feels out-of-control and is not normal for the situation (for instance, eating a lot at Thanksgiving is not necessarily binging). The food binge can consist of thousands of calories, most often carbohydrates and fats. The person ingesting all this food then tries to get rid of it by vomiting, overexercising, taking laxatives, or some other means. A person with bulimia can be normal, below normal, or overweight. Menstruation does not necessarily stop, although it can.

Eating is usually done in isolation, and the individual often feels very ashamed and out-of-control with this behavior. Like an addictive substance, however, the food binge is often looked forward to and protected by the person as a source of short-term relief or good feelings. People with bulimia usually fear getting fat, as in anorexia. They can develop dental problems, throat irritations, swelling around the base of the jaw, lesions in the esophagus, gastrointestinal problems, and heart problems (including heart emergencies) from electrolyte imbalance or the use of Ipecac to induce vomiting.

Binge eating disorder involves eating in quantities similar to bulimia, but the purging afterward does not occur. People with binge eating disorder are more likely to be overweight than those with bulimia, but are not always so. Health problems are usually fewer than those found in the other eating disorders, although individuals can be at risk for those conditions associated with high calorie and fat intake generally.

Less common forms of clinical eating disorder involve variations on the themes already discussed. For example, some people purge what they eat even if it wasn't a binge or large amount of food. Some people develop the behaviors and thinking of the anorexic, but may be overweight or may not have stopped menstruating.

While all of the eating disorders carry health risks, anorexia has the highest mortality rate and the highest risk of sudden death (from electrolyte imbalance or bradycardia, an unusually low heart rate). Anorexia is less common than bulimia and most often afflicts women beginning at age 13 through the early 20s. People usually develop bulimia somewhat later, around age 15 or 16 through the early 30s. Men, as well as women who are older or younger than these ages, can also develop these syndromes.

I hope this article will help people to begin thinking about their own relationships with food and how they might like to change them. Your questions and comments are, of course, always welcomed.

next: Persistent Perfectionists: The Idea of Perfection Remains Even After Eating Disorders Treatment
~ eating disorders library
~ all articles on eating disorders

Introduction

Topics Include:

• kinds of overeaters
• benefits of moderate eating
• dilemmas for the overeater
• personal tools needed
• how secrets relate to overeating
• affirmations

Special Exercises to:

• stop overeating
• increase inner strength
• discover secrets
• develop self respect

Introduction 1 - Idea for Triumphant Journey Begins

In 1991, I was cohosting a radio talk show concerning health issues with Tamiko in Beverly Hills, California. She asked me to write a brief "Ten Tips to Stop Overeating" that we could offer our listeners. Her idea was a card that people could tack on a refrigerator door.

I liked the idea of writing something simply and clearly that would help people understand how to stop overeating. But the subject is too complex for me to boil down to a card on a refrigerator door. I wish I could.

A refrigerator and snack cupboard card that might help would simply say, "Look in the exercise section of Triumphant Journey before you reach for non-essential food. You might find a better way to resolve your feelings and clear up your thinking than eating right now."

I thought of my own eating disorder history, of bingeing and throwing up for may years in secret, long before bulimia had a name. I remembered all the useless, self-deceiving and sometimes dangerous devices I used in my attempts to stop. I remembered my guilt, my growing sense of failure and despair, my loneliness and my stalwart attempts to look good. And finally, I remember accepting that my behavior would kill me. I lived believing that I would die in six months. I had no visions of any future for me and so never made long range plans that involved years of commitment.

Today, I know that bulimia was my greatest teacher. Moving through the despair of my eating disorder into a life of health, freedom and continual opportunity was and continues to be my Triumphant Journey.

I wanted to share the essence of the healing journey with my patients and especially to the people still trapped in lonely despairing eating disorders that can erode a soul.

The seeds of this book first sprouted in an article called, "Ten Tips to Stop Overeating," published by Resource Publications in Winter, 1991. In the Spring of 1992, Resources published my follow-up article, "Triumphant Journey: Understanding the Secrets of Overeating and Binge Behavior."

The many letters of appreciation I received from people struggling alone with their overeating moved and inspired me. I tried again to describe what I find to be the most helpful guidelines in addressing tenacious overeating. This book and this site at HealthPlace.com is growing out of those articles.

Overview

Part One: This section gives you some background about Joanna Poppink and explains why most diet programs don't work.

Part Two: Part Two helps you discover if you are an overeater and explores some rewards of being free from an eating disorder.

It describes what powerful emotional and life challenges must be confronted as your eating patterns become appropriate to your health and well being.

It describes personal qualities in your Essential Equipment List that are necessary in your journey to be free of overeating.

Part Three: Designed to help you stop overeating. By following this guide you can improve your relationship with food and yourself. You can begin to address the source of your need to overeat and develop more satisfying and useful ways of thinking and behaving. Part Three prepares you for doing the deep work described in Part Seven.

Part Four: Provides specific information about underlying issues in eating disorders.

It discusses how secrets relate to overeating, how those secrets can cause pain in your life today and how those secrets may have developed.

Part Five: Describes and discusses a childhood incident which helps clarify how secrets can help create and maintain eating disorders.

Part Six: By means of 20 questions, helps you discover if you have secrets in your life which may govern your overeating.

Part Seven: Describes the heart of your program to be free of your eating disorder. Here you will find preparatory exercises and an Action Plan. These will take you through the deep work of discovering secrets that can compel you to overeat. It shows you how to create and use a personal support and workbook system that will guide you through your personal recovery work.

Part Eight: Shows you how to use affirmations and gives you a list of 134 affirmations to choose from in your personal work.

Part Nine: Suggests additional sources of help for people with eating disorders.

Tragedy in Overeating: Answers that Don't Work

The addictive nature of overeating, the anguish, the memory blanks, the inability to stop, the constant search for new diets, the emotional highs of losing weight and the guilt and shame of gaining it back seems to be consistent and rampant in our culture.

I found myself frustrated that many people looked for an answer in diet and exercise programs. I got angry that desperate frightened people were being promised answers via diets and exercise programs.

Reasonable diet and exercise programs, if followed consistently, help provide a person with health and strength. But when programs completely bypass such underlying issues of eating disorders, the programs are doomed to fail.

The tragedy is that often the person doesn't know it was the program that failed. The person with the eating disorder, already racked with guilt and self-punishing thoughts, is certain that he or she was the failure. This only perpetuates despair.

It's more apparent than ever that overeating and other related behaviors (starving, compulsive exercise to work off calories, purging through laxatives or vomiting, bizarre eating rituals) are attempts to soothe emotional pain.

Most current research acknowledges that underlying causes of overeating are complex and profound. Yet people still search for and are being offered diets as answers.

Personal Rewards in Freedom From Food Tyranny

Your journey to freedom from overeating is not easy. Looking at the rewards you will reap can help sustain you when the going gets tough. As your emotional dependency on food diminishes, you will discover these changes in your life.

• You improve relationships.
• You are more sensitive and attentive to yourself and others.
• You enjoy others more and they enjoy you.
• You become physically more attractive.
  • For example:
    • Swollen glands shrink.
    • Glazed eyes become clear and alert.
    • Hair develops a healthy sheen.
    • Physical movements become more coordinated and graceful.
• You may be safer.
  • You reduce or end your late night trips to grocery stores or fast food places which may put you in a vulnerable position.
  • You reduce the chances of being in car accidents, from fender benders to major accidents. Such accidents can result when you, the driver, are distracted by food thoughts or by bingeing in the car.
• You have more time for people and activities when you use the energy you previously put into food and eating toward something else.
• You are more creative and productive.
• You are able to think more clearly.
• You have more energy for projects you may have considered unreachable dreams.
• You save money. You spend less on food.
• Emotionally you have more experiences of self confidence, peace and joy.
• You feel more alive.

next: Part Two: Are You An Overeater? A Check List
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~ eating disorders library
~ all articles on eating disorders

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

For me, Step Ten is about accountability.

I am an accountable and a responsible adult. With God's help, I am striving to make healthy choices I am also learning to take responsibility for my choices.

As I continue living the program, I am daily monitoring my attitudes and actions. I am daily learning more about God and God's will for my life. Hence, I am daily learning more about myself.

As I grow and develop, I uncover new facets of myself, my personality, and my attitudes that need to be addressed. Sometimes I find qualities that need to be strengthened; sometimes I discover additional character flaws that need to be eliminated.

Some days, new situations shed light on areas that were previously dark to me. Some times I realize God has waited until this certain moment to reveal some aspect of myself that I was, until that moment, unready or unwilling to examine.

Daily, I take an inventory of myself. I am accountable to God, to myself, and to my fellow human beings. When I am wrong, I admit it. I don't make excuses. I don't try to cover up. I don't try to minimize. I don't try to rationalize. I simply admit that my words or my actions were wrong. I make amends quickly, and determine not to repeat the same mistake.

At the same time, I don't shame myself. I don't beat myself up and tell myself I'm a terrible person. Just the opposite, I tell myself I'm human. I tell myself it's OK to be less than perfect. I give myself permission to feel my feelings, to start over and try again. I affirm that God still loves me. I affirm that I still love myself. I affirm that making mistakes is part of being human. But I work to make sure I don't repeat the same mistake.

Step Ten is about learning today's lesson and making the necessary adjustments in my actions and attitudes. Step Ten is about being honest with myself and with God and with others.

Step Ten is also about maintaining a humble attitude. Yes, I'll stumble and fall sometimes, but that is part of life. Failure is part of success. I only fail completely if I fail to learn today's lesson and repeat it again tomorrow.

I am a child of God, and by God's grace, I will continue to grow and develop. I will continue to learn more about God's will for my life. I will continue to remain accountable for my words and actions. I will continue living my amends and working my program of recovery.

Step Ten is God's grace—God directing and creating my life—continuing the process by which I become all I am capable of becoming.

next: The Twelve Steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous Step Eleven

Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves

If you wonder if you are normal, the answer is definitely "No."

You aren't normal because normal is only an idea, not a reality. Normalcy just isn't worth discussing.

But I do have my own opinions about what is typical or average in our culture. And, of course, I have my beliefs about when people need help and when they don't.

AVERAGE, BETTER, OR WORSE?

In each of the areas of life I comment on below, I believe that:

• If you are AVERAGE, you could definitely improve through therapy, medication, or both.

• If you are BETTER than average, improvements are still possible but your costs (financial inconvenience, etc.) should be weighed against the likely rewards of professional help.

• If you are WORSE than average, I think you definitely should get professional help regardless of the cost. (Read "Are You Considering Therapy?" if money is a problem.

So here come my no-pie-in-the-sky opinions about what is average in our culture.

JOY / HAPPINESS
Average:
You have some definite happy moments each day, but you know you have to work too hard for them.

Better:
Your have many happy moments each day and getting joy seems easier and easier over time.

Worse:
You share good laughs but most days you need much more joy than you get.

LOVE RELATIONSHIPS
Average:
You have disagreements most days, and most of them don't get resolved. Verbal abuse (name-calling, humiliating, shaming) doesn't happen more than once or twice a year. There is no violence or threats of violence.

Better:
You actually resolve most disagreements and have fewer of them the longer you are together.

Worse:
You have violence or threats of violence in your life, or shaming and name-calling happen often enough to be expected and feared.

LONELINESS
Average:
You never feel intense deprivation from lack of human contact (called "stroke deprivation").
You are lonely for quality contact no more than once per week.

Better:
You never feel intense deprivation and you quickly find quality contact as needed.

Worse:
You sometimes feel intense deprivation from lack of human contact or you are lonely for quality contact more than once per week.

FEARFULNESS
Average:
You scare yourself unnecessarily on a regular basis, but at levels you consider tolerable.

Better:
You are almost never afraid unless you sense (see, hear, smell, or taste) something dangerous.

Worse:
Your fears are so frequent or intense that you limit your activities because of them.

DEPRESSION
Average:
You feel "blah," have very low energy, and think things like "what's the use" three or more days in a row, two or three times a year.

Better:
You never feel depressed more than a few hours at a time.

Worse:
You feel this way so often you sometimes fear you'll stay this way.

FAMILY LIFE
Average:
Family members try to control or manipulate each other rather regularly, but they give up on it within minutes and then pout and sulk when they have to face that they can't make things go their way.

Better:
People almost never try to control or manipulate, and apologize quickly if they do.

Worse:
People try to control or manipulate regularly, and never learn that it's impossible.

KNOWING WHAT YOU WANT
Average:
You try to figure out what you want by comparing yourself to others and what they have. You don't know what you want as a unique person unless it is an extremely strong and undeniably unique desire.

Better:
You get better and better at discovering what you want through your emotions. You notice the feeling first, think about it second, and then decide what, if anything, you'll do about getting it.

Worse:
You feel "lost in your own head" when you try to figure out what you want. You just hope you'll end up getting enough of it if you follow the crowd. You are generally dissatisfied.

SELF-LOVE
Average:
You don't think very much of yourself, but there's no intense self-hate either.

Better:
You can look intensely into your eyes in a mirror and know that you love yourself.

Worse:
You have bouts of self-hate and you hate to focus on your eyes in a mirror.

KEEPING YOURSELF SAFE
Average: You worry about your safety sometimes even though there is nothing scary about your usual daily life.

Better:
You seldom think about safety. You know you are always alert enough to be as safe as possible.

Worse:
You catch yourself worrying every day, whether you live safely or not. (Note: It's very reasonable to worry if you are around scary people - but it's not reasonable to be around them!)

FEELING ACCEPTED
Average:
You try to feel acceptance by doing what others want you to do. You hide the things about you that you think are the unacceptable from everyone (except maybe your therapist).

Better:
You have at least one person who knows almost everything about you, even the things you think are unacceptable. You have at least three friends who you seldom hide anything from.

Worse:
You think you are unacceptable and you often feel desperate while trying to "earn" acceptance
by doing what other people seem to want you to do.

I GUESS I COULD GO ON AND ON...

Enjoy Your Changes!

Everything here is designed to help you do just that!

next: What Is A Therapist's Job?

Treating a delinquent teen alongside like-minded youths is the norm, but it may exacerbate conduct disorders, according to Jose Szapocznik, Ph.D., professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the University of Miami School of Medicine. "When kids are alone together, they court each other's anti-social behavior. 'I smoke marijuana,' says one kid. The other says, 'That's great: I know where to buy it.'"

There is no shortage of evidence that destructive behavior can be socially reinforced, a phenomenon hardly confined to teens. (The APA Monitor on Psychology recently documented patients with anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa sharing starvation tips with one another during eating disorder treatment.) sharing

Szapocznik thinks he has a better alternative for troubled teens: In Evidence-Based Psychotherapies for Children and Adolescents, a book published this summer by Guilford Publications, he argues for a short round of therapy in which the entire family receives counseling once a week for eight to 12 weeks. This targets the entire family, using the premise that the behavior of any one member-in this case, the adolescent-can only be understood by examining the context or family "system" in which it occurs.

When Szapocznik compared 317 adolescents in either brief, strategic family therapy or in group outpatient treatment, he found that 27 percent of youths with conduct disorder showed improvement with the family-centered approach, but there was no improvement among those who received conventional treatment. Almost half the adolescents in treatment for marijuana abuse improved with brief strategic family therapy, as opposed to 17 percent in group therapy. Teenagers in treatment for social aggression proved the most resistant to either therapy, but even they benefited more from the family-focused approach.

So why does group therapy remain the gold standard? "Group counseling is driven by economics," says Szapocznik. "It has a better return because several patients can be charged at the same time.

next: Diana Effect is Credited with Decline in Bulimia
~ eating disorders library
~ all articles on eating disorders

Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves

Therapy is essentially a healthy relationship.

Teaching occurs.
Emotions are expressed.
Ideas are exchanged and examined.
But none of these is primary.

What is primary is the relationship between the client and the therapist.

The healthier this relationship can be, the better the outcome. And the therapist is half of this important relationship

What can you know about your therapist? How much does it matter?

THE THERAPIST'S HUMANITY

Robots haven't replaced therapists yet, so we know the therapist is going to be a human being.

This tells you a lot.

It tells you that the therapist has experienced the same feelings you have. He or she might have felt more or less anger, fear, sadness, excitement and joy in their life than you have, but they have definitely felt them all.

They have also experienced success and failure.

And they know what it's like to be confident and to have self-doubt.

FORMAL TRAINING

Therapists in the United States are trained either as psychiatrists, psychologists, or social workers.

Psychiatrists are medical doctors who specialize in mental health. Psychologists have a Masters or Ph.D. in psychology. Social Workers have a Masters or Ph.D. in social work.

If you wonder about the formal training of any therapist, ask them. If you feel a need to verify what they tell you, check with your state's licensing authority.

INFORMAL TRAINING

Sometimes the formal training the therapist received is not particularly related to sitting in a little room helping people solve their problems through conversation.

Some psychiatrists attend schools that emphasize medication and don't believe in therapy.

Some psychologists attend schools that emphasize entirely different branches of psychology.

Some social workers attend schools that examine social problems and barely mention personal and relationship problems.

Many of us learn more after getting our degrees than we did while attaining them. And most states require this additional education.

You might find it interesting to learn about your therapist's advanced education.

PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE

Most of us don't start by offering fee-for-service psychotherapy.

We spend years in areas such as public health, correctional services, university guidance departments, etc.

You can find out where your therapist gathered their experience. You can even ask whether they think it influences their work with you in any way. (Guess you could just ask for a copy of their resume.)

PERSONAL STUFF

Therapists are trained to avoid talking about their personal life for many good reasons including:
We are paid to concentrate on you. We must work well with a wide variety of people, regardless of our own background. We don't want to confuse things by adding personal prejudices and interests to the mix.

But if questions about your therapist's hobbies and interests, their current living situation, whether they have children, their childhood standard of living, or whether they've had any therapy of their own ever do matter to you, you can certainly ask. (If your therapist responds by asking "Why do you want to know?" you can be pretty sure that answering such questions isn't their style.)

Personally, I don't mind answering these questions honestly if very briefly. Although it is a therapist's responsibility to keep our personal issues out of our work, we can never be entirely sure that the answers to such questions are irrelevant.

[... FYI: Photography, travel, and the Internet; married; two sons; poor; and yes...] ONCE YOU KNOW, SO WHAT?

If you have major medical concerns, you should see a psychiatrist. Otherwise, all of the factors we've discussed here might not even matter.

Even if you learn all these things about your therapist you will probably find that what really matters is how you feel about them when you are with them, and how attentive, helpful, and able to communicate they are. That's how it usually works.

Your therapist is a human being who is trained to show you how to make the changes you want to make.

If you like them and they like and respect you, you are in the right place. You will do well together.

Enjoy Your Changes!

Everything here is designed to help you do just that!

next: What To Tell A Therapist

Thoughtful quotes about authenticity, being an authentic person.

Words of Wisdom

"How many cares one loses when one decides not to be something, but to be someone." (Gabrielle Chanel)

"Inside my empty bottle I was constructing a lighthouse while all the others were making ships." (C. S. Lewis)

"The security blanket of conformity is warm and comfortable - just so it doesn't cover our heads and smother us." (Herbert Holt)

"The greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be who we pretend to be." (Socrates)

"It is never too late to be what you might have been." (George Eliot)

"No bird soars too high if it soars with its own wings." (William Blake)

next: Body/Health/Healing

This is a rather long excerpt from my Question and Answer page entitled: "About Jesus & Mary Magdalene-Jesus, sexuality, & the bible" This was written in response to an e-mail that challenged the statement that I made in my column Christ Consciousness that Jesus and Mary Magdalene were mates. I include this part of that page here because it deals with sexuality and the shame around sexuality that is part of Western Civilization. This shame - and the gross imbalance in regard to sexuality that was caused by the flesh is weak and sinful beliefs promulgated by corrupt and hypocritical church leaders - has had a profoundly adverse effect upon Romantic Relationships in Western culture.

From About Jesus & Mary Magdalene page:

"Here is an excerpt from my book about the bible.

"The teachings of all the Master Teachers, of all the world's religions, contain some Truth along with a lot of distortions and lies. Discerning Truth is often like recovering treasure from shipwrecks that have been sitting on the ocean floor for hundreds of years - the grains of Truth, the nuggets of gold, have become encrusted with garbage over the years.

As one example of this, I am going to discuss the Bible for a moment, because it has been such a powerful force in shaping the attitudes of Western Civilization.

The Bible contains Truth, much of it symbolic or in parable form because most of the audience at the time it was written had very little sophistication or imagination. They did not have the tools and the knowledge we have access to now.

So the Bible does contain Truth it also contains a lot of distortion. The Bible was translated many times. It was translated by male Codependents.

I am going to share with you a short excerpt from a recently published book. I have not read this book and cannot tell you much about it. I have read a review of this book which appeared in California magazine in November of 1990. What I am sharing here is from that review.

I offer this to you: Not to say that this new translation of the Bible is right and the old one is wrong it is for you to decide which one feels more like Truth to you. I offer this as I offer everything else that I am sharing here as an alternate perspective for you to consider.

This book is called The Book of J. It was written by two men - one of whom is a former head of the Jewish Publication Society, the other is a professor of humanities at Yale University. What they have done in this book is to extract what they believe is one voice from the Old Testament. The Old Testament is a compilation of writings by many different writers. That is why there are two conflicting versions of the Creation in Genesis because it was written by two different people.

They have taken the voice of one of those writers, gone back as far as they could to the original language, and translated it from a different perspective.

Here is a short excerpt from the Old Testament as an example of the difference between their translation and the traditional version. The traditional version is taken from the King James Bible, Genesis 3:16. It says: "And thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee."

Sounds like the normal patriarchal, sexist tone in which we have always accepted that the Bible was written.

Here is the new translation of the exact same phrase: "To your man's body your belly will rise, for he shall be eager above you."

Now to me, rule over you and eager above you mean two very different things - it actually seems pretty close to being a 180 degree swing in perspective. This new translation sounds as if there is nothing shameful about sex. As if maybe it is not bad to have a normal human sex drive, maybe it is not True that the flesh is weak and the spirit exists somewhere way out there.

The reviewer (Greil Marcus, California magazine, November 1990, Vol. 15, No.11), without ever quite perceiving the shame connection, says that this book "...is an act of violence...to what we think we know." He says that, "...it's a great change, in the way one sees the human condition." He also states that, "The differences...are many and profound...and include .. the replacement of man became a living soul with man becomes a creature of flesh without the distinction between soul and flesh, Christianity, or, as Michael Ventura calls it, Christianism, dissolves.

This retranslation shows that basic misconception and misunderstanding may be at the heart, at the foundation of Western Civilization, or to quote the reviewer, in other words, the argument is that within Jewish, Christian, and Islamic civilization, certainly within Western Civilization, at its heart or at its foundation - is a ruin.

What he could not quite put his finger on as the act of violence against the very core of Jewish, Christian, and Islamic civilization is that what this book seems to do is to take the shame out of being human - of being creatures of flesh. There is no shame in being human. We are not being punished by God. It just feels like it sometimes.

This segues very nicely into:

3. Indecency

You wrote (the person who sent the e-mail): "Would you be kind enough to reply where in the Bible talks about Jesus having humanly desire with Mary Magdalene or even displayed any indecency?"

That your response to my saying "Jesus also had sensual and sexual desires and a mate and lover in Mary Magdalene." - is to equate this to indecency brings up feelings of sadness for me. That one of God's greatest gifts to us - the ability to Touch with Love - has been twisted in our culture into something shameful and indecent is one of the great tragedies of the human condition - in my view.

Here is a quote from my book about my beliefs:

"The gift of touch is an incredibly wonderful gift. One of the reasons we are here is to touch each other physically as well as Spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. Touch is not bad or shameful. Our creator did not give us sensual and sexual sensations that feel so wonderful just to set us up to fail some perverted, sadistic life test. Any concept of god that includes the belief that the flesh and the Spirit cannot be integrated, that we will be punished for honoring our powerful human desires and needs, is - in my belief a sadly twisted, distorted, and false concept that is reversed to the Truth of a Loving God-Force.

We need to strive for balance and integration in our relationships. We need to touch in healthy, appropriate, emotionally honest ways - so that we can honor our human bodies and the gift that is physical touch.

Making Love is a celebration and a way of honoring the Masculine and Feminine Energy of the Universe (and the masculine and feminine energy within no matter what genders are involved), a way of honoring its perfect interaction and harmony. It is a blessed way of honoring the Creative Source.

One of the most blessed and beautiful gifts of being in body is the ability to feel on a sensual level. Because we have been doing human backwards, we have been deprived of the pleasure of enjoying our bodies in a guilt-free, shame-free, manner. By striving for integration and balance we can start to enjoy our human experience on a sensual level as well as on the emotional, mental, and Spiritual levels.

As we learn the dance of Recovery, as we tune into the energy of Truth, we can reverse our emotional experience of being human so that most of the time it can feel more like a wonderful summer camp than a dreadful prison."

So, I do not believe that the idea of Jesus having the desires of a human male is indecent. Of course, the desires of human males have been raging out of balance and with no Spiritual foundation or emotional honesty for most of the history of this planet.

Here is a quote from my column Mothers Day:

"Women have been raped, not just physically by men, but also emotionally, mentally, and spiritually by the belief systems of civilization (both Western and Eastern) since the dawn of recorded history.

Those belief systems were the effect of planetary conditions which caused the Spiritual beings in human body to have a perspective of life, and therefore a relationship with life, that was polarized and reversed. This reversed, black and white, perspective of life caused humans to develop beliefs about the nature and purpose of life that were irrational, insane, and just plain stupid.

As just one small but significant example of this stupid, insane belief system, and the effect it had on determining the course of human development including the scapegoating of women, consider the myth of Adam and Eve. Poor Adam, who was just being a man (that is, he just wants to get in Eve's pants) does what Eve wants him to and eats the apple. So Eve gets the blame. Now is that stupid or what? And you wondered where Codependence started.

The stupid, insane perspectives that form the foundation of civilized society on this planet dictated the course of human evolution and caused the human condition as we have inherited it. The human condition was not caused by men, it was caused by planetary conditions! (If you want to know more about those planetary conditions you'll have to read my book.) Men have been wounded by those planetary conditions just as much as women (albeit in quite different ways.)"

Men are supposed to have a strong sexual drive and be strongly attracted to women's bodies - it is part of the genetic programming to insure the survival of the species. It is the nature of the male animal of the human species to want to copulate with the female - that does not mean that I am in any way condoning the gross imbalance and Spiritual vacuum that has been manifested in human civilization around sex.

Part of the reason that there has been such an abusive and patriarchal structure to civilized society is because men have been baffled, confused, and scared of women since the dawn of recorded history. Women have the power to conceive life. There is no greater or more important power in the human species. A woman's ability to conceive and bring forth life gives women an opportunity and capacity to experience Love in a way no man ever can. Men have been jealous and terrified of the power of that Love - and of the power of their own desire to unite with and experience that Love - and reacted to their fear by attempting to subjugate, dominate, and diminish the inherent power of women.

Everything on the physical plane is a reflection of other levels. Ultimately, the emotional power behind the strong sexual and sensual desires of human beings really has little to do with the actual physical act of sex - the True compulsion to unite is about our wounded souls, about our endless, aching need to go home to the God/Goddess Energy. We want to reunite in ONENESS - in LOVE - because that is our True home.

Now, to come down from a metaphysical level to an individual personal level.

The abuse of my sexuality by the shaming religion I grew up in was compounded and magnified by the shame and fear of sexuality I saw in my role models and in society. I grew up in a society that reacted to a fundamental underlying belief that "the flesh is weak" and was incompatible with "decency" - at the same time it bowed to the power of the human sex drive by flaunting sex everywhere. In advertising, in fashion, in the media, books and music, etc. Talk about confusing and frustrating.

In addition to the shame about sexuality - I had shame about being a man because of my fathers role modeling of what a man was, and societal and historical role modeling of how dreadfully "mankind had abused women, children, and men, the weak and poor, anyone who was different, the planet, etc., throughout civilized history.

I spent years in recovery working on healing my relationship with my feminine energy and my inner children before it ever occurred to me that I needed to heal my masculine. So now I have spent years also working on healing my masculine. Part of that healing has been about accepting my sexuality and the "male animal" in me. We need to embrace all of the parts of ourselves in order to become whole.

It is only by owning and accepting our "dark" sides that we can start to have a balanced relationship with ourselves. Just as I have to accept that I have a "King Baby" (who wants immediate gratification now) or a "romantic child" (who believes in fairy tales) or a fierce warrior (who wants to vaporize stupid drivers) inside of me so that I can own them and set boundaries for them - I have to accept that there is a "male animal" in me who does want to copulate with most every attractive woman I see. By owning that part of me I can set a boundary for it so that I am not reacting in a way that causes me to be a victim of myself or to victimize someone else.

It is not shameful to be human. It is not shameful to have a sex drive. It is not shameful to have emotional needs. Human beings need to be touched. Way too many of us are starving for touch and affection - and we have acted out sexually in dysfunctional ways to try to get those needs met which often causes us to be bitter and resentful (at the bottom of any resentment is the need to forgive ourselves.) In our codependent extremes we swing between picking the wrong people and isolating ourselves. We believe - because of our experience in reacting out of our disease - that the only choices are between an unhealthy relationship and being alone. It is tragic and sad.

It is tragic and sad that we live in a society where it is so hard for people to connect in a healthy way. It tragic and sad that we live in a society where so many people are touch deprived. But it is not shameful. We are human. We are wounded. We are products of the cultural environments we were raised in. We need to take the shame out of our relationship with our selves, and all the parts of our self, so that we can be healing our wounds enough to be able to make responsible choices. (re - sponse - able, as in ability to respond instead of just react our of old tapes and old wounds.)"

"About Jesus & Mary Magdalene -Jesus, sexuality, & the bible"

So males of the species are genetically programmed to go around wanting to couple indiscriminately with females of the species - while females of the species are genetically programmed to want to bond to one man to produce children and then to protect and provide for her and her children.

Genetic programming that is thousands of years out of date and unnecessary. We are set up by outmoded genetic programming - on top of the cultural dysfunctional programming.

In regard to the inner child healing this male animal usually shows up in a horny teenager - who is aided and abetted in being willing to do anything to get laid by affection and touch starved younger ages, and the romantic - which in emotionally stunted men often takes on a romantic vision of self that has nothing to do with a connection with the Princess. In other words, he wants to see himself as this macho woman killer to fulfill his romantic fantasy of himself but it really doesn't have to do with a human emotional connection or intimacy - because he is incapable of it.

In women this genetic set up can result in a woman keeping a man around for the illusion of having a male protector and supporter. I have worked with many women who not only didn't need to be protected and supported by a man, but they in fact were providing the bulk of the support for the man. In the inner work the maiden within - who is very romantic and believes in fairy tales - is the part of themselves that women can set a boundary with so that they do not unconsciously buy into the set up of the genetic programming.

next: Facet # 6 - Metaphysical

Future chapter by Adam Khan, author of Self-Help Stuff That Works

IN THE LAST THIRTY YEARS, research into our thinking patterns and their affect on our moods and behavior has brought us to an understanding far beyond the positive thinking pioneers of the earlier part of this century.

There's an age-old battle between pessimists and optimists. Is the glass half-empty or half-full? Pessimists say it's half-empty and only a starry-eyed dreamer would think otherwise. Optimists say it's half-full and you only make yourself miserable to think otherwise.

After the last thirty years of research into this issue, cognitive scientists have gathered enough data to say who is right. Or rather, which general mode is more practical. A pessimist and an optimist can argue with more fact and less opinion these days. Here's how a conversation might go...SHERRY AND NICK WALKED along the road. It was autumn. Small gusts of wind were knocking leaves off the trees ahead of them. "I've never felt so sure of anything in my whole life," said Sherry, "This new business is the opportunity I've been looking for!"
"You shouldn't be too optimistic," said Nick. He looked serious.

Sherry seemed startled out of her reverie. "Why not?"

"Because you're just setting yourself up for failure and disappointment." He said it as if it was the most obvious thing there was. "If you get all pumped-up and things don't work out, you might deeply disappointed, maybe even depressed."

"How could I get depressed?" She's surprised. "If I hit a setback, I'll change my approach and keep trying. There's no such thing as failure. Only temporary setbacks. The only way I could fail is to give up, and I'm not going to give up."
"But what if you never succeeded? What if you kept living on hope your whole life and ended up a failure? What good is optimism then?"

"Well, what's the alternative, Nick? Think about it. What's better than optimism? Being unhappy? Never really trying anything challenging because you're afraid of disappointment? The alternative to optimism is pessimism and pessimism is the road to depression."

"Maybe you don't have to be on either extreme, Sherry. Did you ever think of that? Or do you think optimism is better than the middle-ground?"
"I know it is. Optimistic people are happier, healthier, and more successful."
"Who says?"

"Lots of studies have been done on this. And that's what they found out. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy: If you think you have a chance, you'll keep trying. And if you keep trying, of course, you keep increasing your chances. But if you don't think you have a chance in hell, you won't even start, so of course, you can't possibly succeed. If you hit a setback and think it's a small, temporary thing, you'll try to fix it or get past it. If you think it's huge and permanent, you might just give up right there."

Nick has been a pessimist all his life, but he never thought of himself as a pessimist. He considered himself a "realist." This conversation is getting to him. He doesn't know why, but it feels like a cherished religious faith is being attacked. "But," he pleads, "if you're too optimistic, you won't see the bad news coming your way. Pessimistic people actually see reality more accurately. There are some studies that prove that too!"

"Your right. Pessimists see reality more accurately, are more miserable, not as healthy and don't make as much money. Even if I never dropped into a pessimistic mood - and I do once in awhile - but even if I never thought about what could go wrong, optimism would still be the best way to go through life."
"What makes you say that?"

"Because what difference does it make if you avoid more bad stuff in life if, at the same time, you end up avoiding most of the good stuff too? And you have to admit, if you aren't happy, healthy or successful, you've missed most of the good stuff in life. It's kind of a second-rate booby-prize to say, "Yes, but I see things more accurately."

They walked on in silence for a long time. A leaf floated gently down and landed on Nick's shoulder, balanced there for a second, and fell behind him. He never noticed. Finally he said, "Maybe you have a point. But I don't think I could become optimistic. I've been pessimistic my whole life. I don't think I could change."

"That's kind of pessimistic of you, isn't it?" says Sherry, laughing.
Nick gets the irony of it and smiles. "I guess that could become one of those self-fulfilling prophecies," he says.
"Sounds like it to me," says Sherry, putting her arm over his shoulder.
"Maybe I should just give it a try anyway."
"That's the spirit!"
"Hey, you know what? I feel a little better already!"

They walk off into the sunset. Music rises to inspirational tones.

The End.OPTIMISM WORKS. It's a practical, hardheaded, and realistic approach to life. It works better than pessimism. Thinking there's no hope doesn't work at all.

For extra motivation to work at becoming more optimistic, check out Chapter Four of Self-Help Stuff That Works:
Optimism is Healthy

"Even if I wanted to become more optimistic, I couldn't do it. I would try for awhile and then fall back into old patterns." Are you thinking along these lines? Then check this out:
From Hope to Change

Here's a more negative way to be positive, but when you are feeling angry or bitter or jealous or annoyed, this way is often easier than trying to muster a positive attitude directly:
Argue With Yourself and Win!

Sometimes and for some people, physical action works better than mental action for turning a negative attitude into a positive attitude. If that's you, you're in luck! You can behold the power of positive thinking even without trying to change your thinking! Check it out:
A Simple Way to Change How You Feel

Are you single? Would you like to find a good mate for yourself? Then you should read this now:
How to Find a Lifemate

Here's another, completely different and less difficult way to change the way you feel right away:
Brighter Future? Sounds Good!

next: Thoughtical Illusions