Doubt is thought's despair; despair is personality's doubt. . .;
Doubt and despair . . . belong to completely different spheres; different sides of the soul are set in motion. . .
Despair is an expression of the total personality, doubt only of thought. -
Søren Kierkegaard

doubt 1 a : uncertainty of belief or opinion that often interferes with decision-making b : a deliberate suspension of judgment 2 : a state of affairs giving rise to uncertainty, hesitation, or suspense 3 a : a lack of confidence : DISTRUST b : an inclination not to believe or accept dis·or·der 1 : to disturb the order of 2 : to disturb the regular or normal functions of Definitions from Merriam-Webster Dictionary

"Leah"

I am 24 and have been suffering from OCD as long as I can remember. It got extremely severe when I went away to college this past September. It got so bad that I had to take a sick leave.

My most tormenting and reoccurring thought was that my best friend was in a fatal car accident. I would wake up in the morning and think "how can I go to class if my best friend has just been killed". I would shudder at the thought and blink my eyes only to see the car crash more vividly. It's a full frontal collision, its at night because the headlights are on. She is wearing a grey sweater which is completely blood stained. Her face is pressed up against the steering wheel causing the horn to sound continuously. There are shards of glass in her beautiful face. There is gallons of blood pouring from a laceration in her scalp. My roommate walks in and sees me with a white ghastly look on my face. She knows the routine and says "Leah, go to class, I'm sure your friend is fine". I reply "how can you be sure that she wasn't in a terrible car accident, I'm almost positive that she was". She then hands me the phone to call my friends cell phone but I can hardly dial because my hands are trembling. I dial the number only to receive her voicemail and then I'm sure she has left this world. That's when the grieving process begins. I would lay in bed all day crying, miss all my classes and dining hall hours. My roommate would come home again and force me to try again. I would never do that on my own since I am so sure she is gone. I would dial her home phone only to get a busy signal. This would lead me to believe that her family was notifying people of her death. It could be the day of an exam and my roommate would say "I'm sure they are just on the phone for no reason and you have a Biochemistry exam in 10 minutes". I would reply that I'm sure my teacher would understand.

My roommate would continue to dial her phone number while I was in the corner crying hysterically. Thinking about how I never got to say good bye. She would hand me the phone after she had tried my best friend's mother. I would slam down the phone as soon as I heard her Hello. I would then replay in my mind the tone of her voice and decide if she sounded like she had just lost a daughter. That still never consoled me but I was too scared to call back. My roommate would sometimes convince me to call back and make sure things were okay, or sometimes try her cell phone again and get through to her.

When I finally do get through to her, I ask "Are you okay?" Of course I am totally shocked to hear her voice because I truly believed that I would never hear it again. It takes me a moment to compose myself and then we carry on a normal conversation but I know my OCD got me again. I promise myself that I'll know next time that just like she's okay now she'll be okay then. when I'm woken in middle of the night to the same thought with the blood stained grey sweater the hell begins all over again.

I am not a doctor, therapist or professional in the treatment of OCD. This site reflects my experience and my opinions only, unless otherwise stated. I am not responsible for the content of links I may point to or any content or advertising in HealthyPlace.com other then my own.

Always consult a trained mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment choice or changes in your treatment. Never discontinue treatment or medication without first consulting your physician, clinician or therapist.

Content of Doubt and Other Disorders
copyright ©1996-2009 All Rights Reserved

next: 'Lisa'
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Doubt is thought's despair; despair is personality's doubt. . .;
Doubt and despair . . . belong to completely different spheres; different sides of the soul are set in motion. . .
Despair is an expression of the total personality, doubt only of thought. -
Søren Kierkegaard

I am not a doctor, therapist or professional in the treatment of OCD. This site reflects my experience and my opinions only, unless otherwise stated. I am not responsible for the content of links I may point to or any content or advertising in HealthyPlace.com other then my own.

Always consult a trained mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment choice or changes in your treatment. Never discontinue treatment or medication without first consulting your physician, clinician or therapist.

Content of Doubt and Other Disorders
copyright ©1996-2009 All Rights Reserved

next: 'Heather's Story'
~ ocd library articles
~ all ocd related disorders articles

Doubt is thought's despair; despair is personality's doubt. . .;
Doubt and despair . . . belong to completely different spheres; different sides of the soul are set in motion. . .
Despair is an expression of the total personality, doubt only of thought. -
Søren Kierkegaard

doubt 1 a : uncertainty of belief or opinion that often interferes with decision-making b : a deliberate suspension of judgment 2 : a state of affairs giving rise to uncertainty, hesitation, or suspense 3 a : a lack of confidence : DISTRUST b : an inclination not to believe or accept dis·or·der 1 : to disturb the order of 2 : to disturb the regular or normal functions of Definitions from Merriam-Webster Dictionary

"C"

I know how you all feel, but in a different way.

It's like you can't believe anything you tell yourself because you might be wrong. Like just the thought or act of doing something wrong is such a big deal. But to me it is. I'm constantly obsessing if I said or did something WRONG. I might say something to someone and the minute I say it I worry that I might have said it in the wrong tone of voice or maybe I sounded stupid while I said it. So then I have to go back and try to explain to them what I really meant so I won't hurt their feelings and look stupid to them. Because sometimes I think I grew up thinking that everything was a big deal. Don't talk to loud or talk to much about yourself because it is wrong to do those things.

And being wrong is terrible. I feel like running through the streets saying "I'm wrong all the time so sue me and lock me up." I also obsess if I said what I say to my daughter every time I talk to her is in the right tone of voice or if I am giving her the "right" advice about things. I feel very anxious most of the time because I am afraid I will screw her up. I try to rationalize to myself that there isn't directions to life so I can relax, but then another thought asks "But there are directions to some things." I have this on going argument with myself all the time trying to come to a conclusion about things so I won't have anymore questions and then I will know it all so I would be at peace. I have a hard time excepting that there are no absolute answers to things. I also have to make sure I speak to my Mom and dad every day or kiss them everyday because incase they died I won't feel guilty for not having done that. But then I am always wondering if I talked to them enough that day. And what is "enough." Someone tell me so I'll know so I won't be wrong and won't feel guilty. Everyone says "just do your best" and the thought goes "well, how do I do my best?" as if there are specific directions for doing your best." How do you ever convince that questioning part of you that no one in the entire world knows what they are doing and that it just doesn't matter. And then I think "well what does matter." I feel like I'm nuts. But I think I'm just very afraid of screwing up. I have this conversation with myself every day while putting on make-up. "Why am I putting on this make-up? Is it because I think I'm ugly and I'm trying to hide myself? So I sit there and obsess whether or not to put this makeup on because if I did I would be afraid of betraying myself because wearing makeup just proves that you don't like yourself and not liking yourself is wrong. So I try to rationalize that I need to look decent for work, and then again argue with myself that you can look decent without it. Sometimes I wish everyone could just walk around with no teeth and look like crap and no one would care. I know sometimes I think of suicide from this nonsense but then I am afraid I would go to hell and have this go on for eternity whereas if I die on God's time frame I might go to heaven and find peace. Also I'm afraid if I killed myself I'd really screw up my daughter and I could never take the chance of doing that. So some fear is good. It's sometimes good that I cant make a decision! I pray for everyone in the whole world everyday that have these types of problems and more. This problem has made me a very compassionate person and I feel you can never judge anyone for anything because you don't know what they are going through. If we could all just learn to deal with the stupid fears that hold us back we could all be free. Good luck and prayers to you all.

I am not a doctor, therapist or professional in the treatment of CD. This site reflects my experience and my opinions only, unless otherwise stated. I am not responsible for the content of links I may point to or any content or advertising in HealthyPlace.com other then my own.

Always consult a trained mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment choice or changes in your treatment. Never discontinue treatment or medication without first consulting your physician, clinician or therapist.

Content of Doubt and Other Disorders
copyright ©1996-2009 All Rights Reserved

next: 'Cara'
~ ocd library articles
~ all ocd related disorders articles

When anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa patients are married or live together with a partner unmarried, the question arises as to what impact an eating disorder has on the relationship with a partner or, alternatively, how an intimate relationship with a partner influences the course of an eating disorder.

Despite valuable implications, the marital relationships of adult eating-disordered patients have not received much attention in the form of empirical research. One of the major impressions emphasized in clinical literature is that married eating disordered patients and their partners often report a significant degree of dissatisfaction with their relationships (Van den Broucke & Vandereycken, 1988).

Marital intimacy is one aspect of a relationship which may be conceived both as a process which includes empathy, (e.g., a characteristic way of relating of two partners), and as a state, (e.g., a relatively stable, structural quality of a relationship which emerges from this process) (Waring, 1988). Van den Broucke, Vandereycken, & Vertommen (1995) see intimacy as a quality of a personal relationship at a certain point in time primarily referring to a relational phenomenon, (e.g., the degree of connectedness or interdependence between two partners). As such it includes affective, cognitive and behavioral aspects. These three types of interdependence are reflected in the couples' emotional closeness, empathy and commitment, the validation of each other's ideas and values, and the implicit or explicit consensus about the rules which guide their interactions (Van den Broucke et al, 1988).

Additionally Van den Broucke, Vandereycken, & Vertommen (1995) suggest that there are two additional levels of intimacy, individual and situational. On an individual level, intimacy implies two aspects, one being authenticity, or the ability to be oneself in the relationship with the partner, and openness, or the readiness to share ideas and feelings with the partner. The situational level entails an aspect of exclusiveness: As the partners' individual privacy decreases with the enhancement of their intimacy, the dyadic privacy is likely to increase. Communication difficulties and the lack of openness in eating disordered patients' marriages were found and considered to be a serious relational deficiency, which may represent an important obstacle to the growth and enhancement of their marital intimacy. The intimacy deficiency of these patients' marriages does not necessarily imply that this deficiency is the cause of the eating disorder but probably more accurately is described as a circular enigma (Van den Broucke et al, 1995).

With empathy holding a key position in the construct of intimacy, Tangney's (1991) research discovering a positive correlation between proneness to guilt and empathetic responsiveness but inversely related to the tendency to experience shame, may provide some insight into the relational difficulties described by Van den Broucke, Vandereycken, & Vertommen (1995). Bateson (1990) defined empathy as including feelings of sympathy and concern, but distinguished empathy/sympathy from personal distress, the latter representing an observer's own feelings of distress in response to a distressed other. This other-oriented empathic concern, not self-oriented personal distress, has been linked to altruistic helping behavior (Bateson, 1988). Other-oriented empathy is generally viewed as the good moral affective capacity or experience because it is presumed to foster warm, close interpersonal relationships, to facilitate altruistic and prosocial behavior, and to inhibit interpersonal aggression (Bateson, 1990). Shame, an ugly feeling, draws the focus away from the distressed other, back to the self. This preoccupation with the self is inconsistent with the other-orientated nature of empathy. When faced with a distressed other, shame-prone individuals may be particularly likely to respond with a personal distress reaction, in lieu of a true empathetic response. The acute pain of shame may motivate a variety of intrapersonal and interpersonal processes that are incompatible with a continued empathic connection. Shame-prone individuals have a tendency to externalize cause or blame, as a defense maneuver against the overwhelming pain of the shame experience, in addition to making internal, global shame-type responses (Tangney, 1990; Tangney, 1991; Tangney, Wagner, Fletcher, & Gramzow, 1992).

While shame involves the self's negative evaluation of the entire self, guilt involves the self's negative evaluation of specific behaviors. Guilt's consequent motivation and behavior tends to be oriented toward reparative action. Guilt seems less likely to motivate the defensive maneuvers, antithetical to empathy, that are frequently associated with shame. Guilt-prone individuals are clearly not disposed to blame external factors or other people for negative events allowing room for empathetic responsiveness (Tangney, 1990, Tangney, 1991; Tangney et al, 1992). Tangney (1991) discovered that individuals who are generally empathic are also prone to feelings of guilt, exclusive of shame. The perspective-taking component of mature empathy requires the ability to make a clear differentiation between self and other. Guilt requires making a clear distinction between self and behavior, an ability to see behaviors as related but somewhat distinct from the self. Both guilt and empathy hinge on a capacity for differentiation, a more mature level of psychological development similar to such constructs as psychological differentiation, ego development, and cognitive complexity (Bateson, 1990; Tangney, 1991; Tangney et al, 1992). Shame-prone individuals may have difficulty maintaining an other-oriented empathic response, and instead may drift into a more self-focused personal distress reaction. They are likely to experience the resonant pain of personal distress as well as the pain of shame for "being the kind of person who would inflict such harm" (Bateson, 1990; Tangney, 1991). This wash of negative affect may be problematic as Berkowitz (1989) has demonstrated, negative affect in general can foster angry, hostile feelings and subsequent aggressive responses.

Consistent links have been found between proneness to shame and anger (Berkowitz, 1989; Tangney et al, 1992). Such anger may be fueled not only by the pain of shame itself, but also by the discomfort inherent in personal distress reaction to distressed others. The unpleasant interpersonal exchange may be so overwhelming that it may motivate a variety of defensive maneuvers that are fostered and reinforced by such anger. Finally, in the midst of a personal distress reaction the shamed individual may subsequently blame the distressed or injured party as a means of reducing their own pain. Thus shame-prone persons bring to their relationships a number of liabilities that may be particularly exacerbated during unpleasant interpersonal exchanges (Berkowitz, 1989; Tangney, 1991; Tangney et al, 1992).

Deborah J. Kuehnel, LCSW, © 1998

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by Mary Ellen Copeland

The Creating Wellness Video Series

This three-part videotape series - based on a workshop with renowned author Mary Ellen Copeland - presents simple, effective and noninvasive self-help strategies for anyone dealing with emotional, behavioral or psychiatric challenges. Used separately or together, these videos provide useful information about how to get well and stay well. They are invaluable for in-service trainings and for self-help and support groups.

Key Concepts for Mental Health offers an introduction to the underlying principles of Mary Ellen Copeland's recovery model. Lively and insightful discussions include hope (2 min.), personal responsibility (1 min.), education (2 min.), self-advocacy (4 min.), support (16 min.), health care (6 min.), and medication (11 min.). The videotape may be stopped between sections if desired. 50 Minutes.

Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) provides a simple system for monitoring and managing emotional and psychiatric symptoms, as well as avoiding unhealthy habits or behavior patterns. In this video, Ms. Copeland discusses with her group the steps to developing a "WRAP". In order to arrest symptoms and hasten remission and recovery, participants both learn and share personal strategies for dealing with each level of relapse. 32 Minutes.

The Wellness Toolbox introduces the concept of "wellness tools" - simple actions that anyone can do to feel better and to stay well. Participants discuss with Ms. Copeland how to create a personal "toolbox" for their own use in times of stress or increased symptoms. The video is organized into various topics including reaching out for support, peer counseling, focusing, relaxation and stress reduction, and journaling. 28 Minutes.

"CREATING WELLNESS is the leading edge of mental health education. This extraordinary video shows how you can find the support and resources you need, and how to chart a course back to wellness. This is a program full of compassionate help by someone who's been to the far side of depression and back - and knows what she's talking about."

- Matthew McKay, Ph.D.
Cofounder and Publisher, New Harbinger Publications
Author, The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook

Click here to order these videos

WRAP CD ROM

Click here to order this CD

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Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) For Dual Diagnosis

A WRAP Workbook adapted for people with a dual diagnosis of psychiatric illness and addictive disorder by Mary Ellen Copeland, MS, MA

This special edition of the original WELLNESS RECOVERY ACTION PLAN book presents a system developed and used successfully by people with a variety of physical and emotional symptoms including addictive disorders. It has helped them use self help skills more easily to monitor their symptoms, decrease the severity and frequency of symptoms, prevent relapse and improve the quality of their lives.

Learning self help skills for dealing with physical and emotional symptoms, as well as addictions is a simple process... but it's a much greater challenge using self help methods during the most difficult times -- when they can help the most -- and incorporating them into daily life.

This book will help you:

• develop your own list of activities for your every day well being
• track triggering events and early warning signs
• prepare your personal responses if symptoms increase
• create a plan for your supporters to follow to care for you if necessary

Using the Wellness Recovery Action Plan, self management of addictions, physical and emotional symptoms becomes possible and practical.

Click here to order

Mental Health Recovery including Wellness Recovery Action Planning Curriculum Facilitator Training Manual

The new Mental Health Recovery including Wellness Recovery Action Planning CURRICULUM: Facilitator Training Manual is now available. This program is based on years of research experience by Mary Ellen Copeland. Teta Hilsdon, Mary Ellen's associate, has been working tirelessly on compiling this manual for many months. Gene Deegan, a Recovery Educator from Lawrence, Kansas, developed the transparencies into a PowerPoint presentation which is included on a CD-ROM in the curriculum package. The curriculum package includes:

• Section I: a detailed chapter of specific instructions on all aspects of facilitating Mental Health Recovery including Wellness Recovery Action Planning groups and workshops,
• Section II: thumbnail sketches of each transparency included on the CD-ROM
• Section III: supporting activities, handouts and discussion topics, and
• Section IV: an extensive list of related resources for the facilitator. While not specifically intended for use in working with individuals, it can certainly be used in that way, and there are some notes addressing this possibility.

This curriculum is the training format that Mary Ellen uses to accompany her five-day Mental Health Recovery Seminar II: Facilitators Training. But it can also be used by anyone who is familiar with Mary Ellen's Recovery work, including her focus on Wellness Recovery Action Planning. The materials are specific to facilitating Mary Ellen's WRAP workshop, Mental Health Recovery Seminar I including Wellness Recovery Action Planning, and is not necessarily a resource to be used in developing other kinds of programs. However, some facilitators are using this Recovery/WRAP focus in combination with other programs.

This educational curriculum presents an approach which is complementary to, but not a replacement for, other mental health treatment protocols. Due to the wide differences in the amount of time and other resources available to individuals, agencies, organizations and sponsors, this is not a scripted curriculum. A wide variety of options are offered in formats, timelines and activities. You will have at your disposal a thorough framework that will allow you enough flexibility to design a program that best meets your needs.

The cost of the curriculum package is $129, plus $5 shipping.

Click here to order this manual

 

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Plan de Acción para la Recuperación del Bienstar

El aprender los metodos de auto-ayuda para abordar Los sintomas fisicos y emocionales puede ser facil... sin embargo es un reto mucho mayor utilizar dichos metodos durante los momentos mas dificiles -cuando pueden ser mas utiles- e incorporarlos a la vida cotidiana.

Este libro presenta un sistema desarrollado y usado con exito por personas con una diversidad de sintomas fisicos y emocionales. Les ha ayudado a usar metodos de auto-ayuda con una mayor facilidad para vigilar sus sintomas, para disminuir la severidad y frecuencia de los sintomas y para mejorar la calidad de sus vidas.

Este libro le ayudara a:

• desarrollar su propia lista de actividades para su bienestar diario anotar Los acontecimientos desencadenadores y señales de alerta
• preparar sus respuestas personales en caso de que se incrementen Los sintomas
• crear un plan para que las personas que lo apoyan lo puedan cuidar en caso necesario

Esta guia accesible incluye informacion sobre el desarrollo de un sistema de apoyo, El uso de consejeria mutua de pareja, la concentracion, actividades creativas, El uso de UN diario, la musica, la dieta, la luz, ejercicios de relajamiento y el lograr un buen sueño nocturno.

Cuando uno usa El Plan de Accion para la Recuperacion del Bienestar, El manejo propio de los sintomas fisicos y emocionales se hace posible y practico.

Click here to order this book 

The Loneliness Workbook

As Mary Ellen teaches around the country, she continues to find that loneliness is a strong contributor to depression and poor quality of life for people who experience psychiatric symptoms. In this book, Mary Ellen has described how to develop and keep a strong support system. In addition she has addressed many issues that make it difficult for many people to make and keep friends. As with her other books, this book was the result of a study of nearly 100 people to find out how they relieve loneliness in their lives.

"Loneliness is pervasive in our fast-paced culture. Since people tend to increase their sense of emotional distress when they are disconnected from others, the effects of loneliness are a serious problem. This excellent book takes a hands-on approach to relieving loneliness and offers people hope that relationships are a path to healing and growth."

- Sherry Mead, MSW
Founder of the Stepping Stone Peer Support Center

Click hereto order this book

Healing the Trauma of Abuse: A Women's Workbook

Mary Ellen Copeland co-authored the book Healing the Trauma of Abuse: A Gentle Woman's Guide with Maxine Harris of Community Connections in Washington, DC.

This important self-help book describes a weekly lesson process that women can use to relieve the effects of trauma in their lives, either when working in a group, with a counselor, or when - as many women must do - working on their own. It rebuilds self-esteem and gives back the personal power, trust and sense of connection that are taken away by a traumatic experience.

This book is based on the findings of an intensive study of strategies that help women who have been traumatized to heal from the effects of this trauma and make their lives the way they want them to be.

Click here to order this book

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Winning Against Relapse

Every recovery holds the potential for relapse. And for many who have fought their way back to health form a physical disorder or emotional trauma, the return of old symptoms can be even more devastating than the original crisis.

This workbook provides a carefully structured system that anyone can use to monitor symptoms and respond to them in a way that reduces or eliminates the possibility of relapse. You will identify those things you need to do every day to maintain an optimum level of wellness, how to recognize the daily events that can cause symptoms to increase, the early warning signs that problems might be recurring, the signs that the situation is worsening, and how to make personal action plans that can reverse the situation. It will also guide you through the process of developing a personal crisis plan for others to use if they need to take responsibility for your care.

"I am delighted that Mary Ellen Copeland has designed such comprehensive and easy-to-use guidelines. Winning Against Relapse can be used for a multitude of illnesses, including chronic pain states. It promotes the state of optimum wellness that should be our goal."

- Devin J. Starlanyl, co-author of Fibromyalgia and Myofascial Pain Syndrome and author of The Fibromyalgia Advocate

Click hereto order this book

Winning Against Relapse Program

"Winning Against Relapse Program" is a one-hour audio tape in which Mary Ellen Copeland talks the listener step-by-step through developing a Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP). This tape can be used with or without her books describing the WRAP program: "WRAP" and "Winning Against Relapse".

These workbooks and the audio tape provide a carefully structured system that anyone can use to monitor and respond to symptoms in a way that reduces or eliminates the possibility of relapse.

Mary Ellen focuses on the key concepts of her program and describes a progressive process for self-monitoring, staying well, and creating change in the way listeners feel or behave. She also includes descriptions of simple, safe, effective wellness tools that can be used to maintain health and help listeners feel better.

New Harbinger Publications, 1, $11.95.

Click hereto order this audio tape

The Worry Control Workbook

Is Worry taking up too much of your time and energy? Or is constant worry literally making you sick?

A little worry can actually serve a variety of positive functions, as it does when it helps us identify real problems or motivates us to take some needed action. But for some , worry is a problem, leading to difficulty sleeping, muscle tension, headaches and other physical complaints. Others feel perpetually tired, have trouble concentrating, or suffer from depression.

The good news is that you can learn to reduce your anxiety and deal with worry more effectively. The Worry Control Book is a supportive and comprehensive guide offering real help to anyone struggling with excessive concerns about health, money, family or work. The Worry Control Workbook

Download a sample chapter of this book

Recovering from Depression: A Workbook for Teens

This book was written to help adolescents who are

• depressed,
• sad,
• thinking about hurting themselves,
• feeling isolated from their friends,
• dropping out of their old activities that used to make them feel good about themselves,
• irritable and /or angry with their parents.

Used successfully by other young adults, this book will guide you though the process of finding help for yourself and getting on the road to feeling happy and healthy.

Click here to order this book

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Wellness Recovery Action Plan

Learning self help skills for dealing with physical and emotional symptoms can be simple ... but it's a much greater challenge using self help methods during the most difficult times - when they can help the most - and incorporating them into daily life.

This book presents a system developed and used successfully by people with a variety of physical and emotional symptoms. It has helped them use self help skills more easily to monitor their symptoms, decrease the severity and frequency of symptoms, and improve the quality of their lives. Paperback, $10.00

Click hereto order this book

The Depression Workbook: A Guide to Living With Depression and Manic Depression

From the best selling author, Mary Ellen Copeland, comes the Second Edition of The Depression Workbook. Learn and practice the latest research-based self-help strategies to relieve depression and address other mental health issues including how to:

• Take responsibility for your own wellness
• Use charts to track and control your moods
• Find helpful care providers
• Build a system of mutual support
• Increase self-confidence and self-esteem
• Use relaxation, diet, exercise, and light to stabilize your moods
• Avoid conditions that can worsen your symptoms

A new chapter guides readers through developing your own plan for managing symptoms and staying well. This process, known as the Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP), was developed by a group of people who experience depression, or manic depression and/or have other mental health concerns and who now report that this plan helped them relieve their symptoms and improve the quality of their lives.

This edition is updated in all areas including new medical and holistic perspectives and extensive list of helpful resources and Web sites that will assist you in your journey to wellness. By letting you share more than a hundred case stories and empowering you with the most current therapeutic strategies, The Depression Workbook, Second Edition will give you insight, energy, and hope.

Click hereto order this book

Living Without Depression and Manic Depression: A Workbook for Maintaining Mood Stability

This workbook is not light reading. Neither, however, is it complicated, theoretical or esoteric. Living Without Depression and Manic Depression is a down-and-dirty guide for people who experience mood swings. It's a manual on how to wage guerilla warfare on emotional instability...hour by hour, season by season; in one's home or workplace; by using medication, diet, peer counseling, private and government agencies; and a host of other suggestions sent back from the battlefield.

Interactive exercises teach essential coping skills such as building a strong support system, fighting negative thoughts, finding appropriate professional help and using relaxation and exercise. Paperback $18.95

Click hereto order this book

Coping With Depression, Video Tape

There is a powerful message of hope in Mary Ellen Copeland's Coping With Depression. This video is for anyone struggling with depression: for family members, friends and health care professionals. Warm, helpful, and engaging, the video is the fruit of research and hundreds of interviews with depressed persons.

This tape shows how to incorporate into your life the strategies that the author and others have used successfully to keep their own depressive episodes at bay. An excellent educational resource, the video validates the feelings of people with depression and encourages a program of simple yet effective self-help techniques.

Well-known for her seminar and lecture presentations, Mary Ellen Copeland holds an MA in Counseling Psychology. Depression had a major impact on her life until she achieved long-term stability through the wellness program she describes on this video. Running time 60 minutes, VHS only. $39.95

Click here to order this video tape

Living With Depression and Manic Depression, Audio Tape

Depression affects over 10 million people a year in the US Over an average lifetime, over 15 percent of the population will experience serious depressive reactions. Yet 80 percent of all depressives and manic depressives get better with proper treatment. Living With Depression and Manic Depression offers many effective self-help techniques that can enhance wellness and mood stability.

This audio tape describes a program based on years of research and hundreds of interviews with depressive and manic depressive persons. It inspires confidence that you can achieve real breakthroughs in coping. Warm, helpful, and engaging, the video is the fruit of research and hundreds of interviews with depressed persons. One cassette in a rigid plastic box, running time 90 minutes, $11.95

Click here to order this audio tape

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Read our our chat conference on Toxic Relationships when you click the link.

Most of us can come up with a mile-long list of people who've made us miserable, some time or the other - teachers, classmates, brothers, sisters, parents, friends, colleagues... while you were allowing them to make you feel angry, confused and irritated, unknown to you, they were seriously damaging your health. In other words, they were toxic.

Here we go again. Another 2 a.m. phone call, with my best friend pouring her heart out about the latest disaster in her life. Love her as I do, 2 a.m. isn't my best time - especially when I've got an early start and a skin that needs at least eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

Still, have you ever tried saying no to a friend in need? Exactly. So you end up spending an hour saying yes and no in all the right places, then get a headache and take refuge in a peanut butter sandwich. According to psychologist, Dr. Lillian Glass, author of Toxic People (Simon and Schuster), the headaches/peanut butter sandwiches are proof that we're under fire from a toxic person - in other words, "anyone who manages to drag you down, make you feel angry, worn out, deflated, belittled or confused."

Most of us can come up with a list, as long as our arm, of people who've made us feel miserable - starting with teachers and bullies at school, moving on to brothers, boyfriends, bosses and so-called friends. Not forgetting arrogant doctors and road hogs.

But what makes a toxic person tick? "They're people whose feelings of insecurity and inadequacy make them jealous, envious and uncaring, so they end up sabotaging your projects, your relationships, your happiness-even your car journey!" explains Dr Glass.

It could be the temperamental boss who's never satisfied, the friend who knows where you're going wrong (and revels in telling you), or the critical parent who can't stop treating you like a naughty ten-year-old.

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But whatever your own personal definition of a toxic person, one thing is certain - putting up with a toxic relationship can seriously damage your health. "Migraines, eye-twitches, skin rashes and eating disorders often have their roots in toxic relationship that have gone on for too long," explains Dr. Glass.

Listing the people and types of behavior that get to you is Dr. Glass's first step to detoxing your relationships - and your life. (And, believe it or not, that's the easy bit!) But the good news is there are ways of responding that can stop you being the victim of toxic behavior.

A humorous response can, for example, defuse the toxic person, so try laughing at your "snide" friends instead of getting angry. Alternatively, mirroring their behavior can show them how unreasonable they're being, while other situations call for a calmer, more questioning approach. Sometimes, if the person is particularly obnoxious, the only way to deal with them is to lose your temper.

But just deciding to do something about the toxic people in your life is a big step in itself. You might know you should detox from your friend/partner/boss, but it's not always that easy to do it. Okay you can find other friends, partners and jobs, but you can't, for instance, go out and choose a new mother.

"You have to weigh up the toxic person's behavior, your reaction to it and what's stake," says Clare Hershman, a counsellor who specialises in addictions. "If they're paying you Pound 20,000 a year, you may decide, 'Okay, I'll take the money and stand on my head if they want me to, but I'm not going to let my emotions into this drama.'" And there's the crunch. While toxic people can make our lives unbearable, we're the only ones who can do something about it.

TOXIC FRIENDS

You think they care for you but their behavior says otherwise

How often have you thought, "She calls herself my friend, but she doesn't behave like it"? You share so much with a "mate" that it's sometimes hard to see that they're actually doing you harm. Over the years I've gradually realised I can't solve my friends' problems, until they want to - and, believe me, some of them don't want to - nor do they want to hear about mine.

They just like a dustbin to throw all their rubbish into - and all too often that dustbin's me.

Deena, 28, and Kate, 28, have been friends for 15 years, but Deena feels she's always given more time to Kate than vice versa, "Kate always finds a story to top mine and switches the conversation back to herself," she complains. "I end up feeling sidelined."

According to Dr. Glass, "Kate's a perfect example of the very self-absorbed person with a fragile ego. She's insecure and needs lots of reassurance and soothing words to build up her self-esteem." But she clearly isn't quite so sensitive when it comes to everyone else's feeling. Recognise the type?

Her selfishness probably isn't intentional, but you still need to confront her. Say something like, "I sometimes get the feeling you're not really listening to me - and it's upsetting." Be direct and honest, without tears or tantrums.

In fact, friendships are a good training ground for sorting out toxic people, because if they're any kind of friend, they really do want what's best for you. Then again, if you've weighed up the pros and cons and think, "Well, she can be a prime woman, but she does know how to get into the best clubs," rely on her for that, but nothing more. And if you really can't stand any more 2 am calls, buy some ear plugs and let your answering machine do more night shifts.

TOXIC PARENTS

Parents and toxic? Well, they can be, you know

Tricky one this, because relationships with parents have the potential to be the most precious, damaging and long-lasting - all in one go. What you see as big-time intrusion, they regard as concern (with a bit of nosiness thrown in). Tread carefully at first and try to achieve a result with calm explanation or humour.

According to Dr. Glass, telling your mother point blank that she should stay out of your life - or start taking an interest in it or just stop comparing you to your prettier, happier and more successful younger sister - is only going to set fire to a potentially explosive situation.

Viv, 32, has been at loggerheads with her mother for years. "I went out with my husband, Anthony for 14 years before we married, and had to put up with a barrage of comments and criticism, Three years into the marriage, my mum's now itching for grandchildren."

According to Dr. Glass, "This is someone who needs to be told where to get off." (Easier said than done, she is your mum after all.) "Be firm, but kind in the way you say it," she suggests. Counselor, Sylvia Mountain, offers this all-purpose response, "Thanks Mom, I've thought about what you've said, but for the moment I'll do it my way. If I make mistakes, then I'll just have to learn from them."

The flip side of the interfering parent is the one who doesn't seem to care enough. Gabby, 25, would welcome some intrusion. Her mother, an author's agent, spends many evenings socialising on business. "When we meet she rarely asks how I am, but she'll buy me things instead. I feel like I'm a client, not a daughter"

"If your mother has trouble expressing her feelings, treat her gently," says Dr. Glass. "Tell her how forgotten you feel and, as long as she doesn't feel you're out to get her, she'll start to come round"

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TOXIC COLLEAGUES AND BOSSES

Aha! This category is easy to spot a mile away.

Some of the most stressful situations we encounter are at work. Ten minutes of hanging around the photocopier is all you need to know it's a seething hotbed of toxic relationships. When Clare, now 31, got her dream job as a production assistant straight out of college, she was absolutely delighted. She had no idea what was in store. "One day the producer called me over, and I started walking towards her," she recalls.

"Suddenly she screamed, "Run!" So, to my humiliation, I did. But I was too new in the job to do anything else."

According to Paul Khan who runs Success Through Support, an employment and arbitration consultancy, feeling sure of your rights is an essential defence against toxic people. "There are more breakdowns, arguments, hassles and sulking than ever before in the workplace because everyone's under so much pressure to perform," he says.

"That's why it's vital to know your role in a company and how it operates."

Lorna, 27, works for a marketing consultancy, but her 23-year-old assistant, Julie, seems intent on clambering over her as fast as she can. "She reads my memos, keeps information to herself and curries favour with clients in an unprofessional way," She complains. Dr. Glass sees this as the "ultimate competitor" situation, a scenario that's on the increase. "In many work situations, a calm, questioning approach works well. Think like a courtroom lawyer, and ask your colleagues to justify their actions - chances are they won't be able to. It's also important to set your working terms and let colleagues know what isn't acceptable."

Paul Khan suggests Lorna tries a humorous confrontation. "How about saying, "You want my job? You got it. Tell me, do you think you can do it?" She'll say no," he says confidently. "And if she says yes, be prepared. Tell her she can make all the decisions for the next month. That's when your experience will tell - as you point out (not too gleefully) what she doesn't know. Take the situation and turn it back to your advantage."

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But there's another subtle trick to detoxing at work. "Your speech and body language can give the other person signals that do or don't spell confidence," explains Bridget Wright, author of Which Way Now - how To Plan And Develop A Successful Career (Piatkus). "Know your worth and it'll speak for you."

Kim, an accountant, became aware of harmful gossip in the industry about her skills. She knew it stemmed from her last job, from which she was fired after the boss blamed her for a large order being cancelled. "I was furious. I know my capabilities, my track record speaks for itself."

"What women are naturally good at is being more flexible and adaptable to change," says Bridget Wright. men are prepared to play politics whereas women will stick in a toxic situation only for so long before they do something about it."

TOXIC PARTNERS

The most stressful baggage in life

No one needs telling that along with all the love, fun and exploration in a relationship, a whole load of other (less pleasant) issues are usually waiting in the wings. As most of us have discovered, at some point or another, even the most wonderful partner can have his toxic side.

For Janine, 31, the problem runs much deeper. "Whenever I want to talk to Will about making a commitment, he stalls. If I badger him, he just closes up". Difficult as it may sound, "the only way to deal with him is to keep trying to confront him," advises Dr. Glass.

Most of us have encountered uncommunicative men who keep their feelings under lock and key, and keep you utterly confused. No one's saying you have to keep on bashing your head against a brick wall, but sometimes explosive showdowns are just the bombshell this kind of man needs. "And if he still runs, you know there's very little you can do - or should want to," says Dr. Glass.

"Ultimately, you can only change yourself, not someone else," confirms counselor, Mary Godden. It's up to you to decide how much of pushing around you will or will not take.-- Courtesy: FRIDAY

HIGHLIGHTS

Listing the people and types of behavior that get to you is Dr. Glass's first step to detoxing your relationships - and your life.

Friendships are a good training ground for sorting out toxic people because if they're any kind of friend, they really do want what's best for you.

There are some parents who don't care enough and, on the flip side, some who can be interfering to the point of madness.

At some point or another, even the most wonderful lover can have his or her toxic side.

back to: Relationships Homepage

Last night, I was browsing through a used CD and DVD store and came across an unusual DVD called Earthlight. The DVD features NASA film clips of the planet earth taken during various shuttle missions. The clips are enhanced with ambient music, perfect for meditation or just relaxing.

I took the DVD home and was absolutely amazed.

Watching the earth slowly spinning, I became mesmerized by the swirling cloud formations, all the resplendent shades of blue, and how the sun's reflection sparkled in the ocean waters. Seen from space, our home world is a gleaming jewel—wondrous and beautiful!

How awesome to think that we, as humans, are just as wonderful and just as beautiful. Each one of us is an equally unique and special creation. If only we could keep a similar sense of awe for ourselves and each other! If only all our relationships could be filled with love, respect, and encouragement.

So how come we don't dedicate ourselves to more love, kindness, compassion, trust, honesty, patience, forgiveness, tenderness, and focused attention on those we hold dearest? Perhaps we have. Perhaps we have been too giving, too understanding, and too loving - and been rejected, taken advantage of, or worst of all, taken for granted.

Just because relationships are risky, we don't have to stop extending ourselves or our love to the people around us. We still have the choice to treat others as we wish to be treated. The good stuff we spread around will eventually come back to us—a law of the universe as certain as gravity.

Our world doesn't need to be changed. It's perfect just the way it is. It's designed to test us, to prove us, and to question us. How we choose to live our lives and extend genuine love and acceptance is The Answer. We change the world by changing ourselves and changing our attitudes. That is our privilege and responsibility and joy as recovering co-dependents.

Thank You, God for creating this beautiful world and placing me in it. Thank You for the adversities and opportunities that arise in this life. Thank You for the choices You have given me to choose my answer to Life and to those with whom I interact. Amen.

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next: Spaces in Your Togetherness