A tool for tracking your family's mental health history

Health care professionals have known for a long time that common diseases - heart disease, cancer, and diabetes - and even rare diseases - like hemophilia, cystic fibrosis, and sickle cell anemia - can run in families. If one generation of a family has high blood pressure, it is not unusual for the next generation to have similarly high blood pressure.

The same holds true for many psychiatric disorders. Researchers have found strong genetic links in bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorders and eating disorders.These mental health problems can be passed from one family member to the next, generation-after-generation or even skip generations.

Tracing the illnesses suffered by your parents, grandparents, and other blood relatives can help your doctor predict the disorders to which you may be at risk and take action to keep you and your family healthy.

My Family Health Portrait

In 2004, the U.S. Surgeon General encouraged all American families to learn more about their family health history.

Whenever families gather, the Surgeon General encouraged them to talk about, and to write down, the health and mental health problems that seem to run in their family. Learning about your family's mental health and health history may help ensure a longer future together.

Because family health history is such a powerful screening tool, the Surgeon General created a computerized tool to help make it fun and easy for anyone to create a sophisticated portrait of their family's health.

This tool, called "My Family Health Portrait" can be downloaded for free and installed on your own computer.

The tool will help you organize your family tree and help you identify common diseases that may run in your family.

When you are finished, the tool will create and print out a graphical representation of your family's generations and the health disorders that may have moved from one generation to the next. That is a powerful tool for predicting any mental and physical illnesses for which you or other family members should be checked.

next: Depression Kills A Person's Spirit
~ depression library articles
~ all articles on depression

• Depression is a common, serious and costly illness that affects 1 in 10 adults in the U.S. each year, costs the Nation between $30 - $44 billion annually, and causes impairment, suffering, and disruption of personal, family, and work life.

• Though 80 percent of depressed people can be effectively treated, nearly two out of three of those suffering from this illness do not seek or receive appropriate treatment. Effective treatments include both medication and psychotherapy, which are sometimes used in combination.

Depression Co-occurs With Heart Disease

• Of particular significance, depression and heart disease go hand-in-hand. When this happens, the presence of the additional illness, depression, is frequently unrecognized, leading to serious and unnecessary consequences for patients and families.

• Though depressed feelings can be a common reaction to heart disease, clinical depression is not the expected reaction. For this reason, when present, specific treatment should be considered for clinical depression even in the presence of heart disease

• Appropriate diagnosis and treatment of depression may bring substantial benefits to the patient through improved medical status, enhanced quality of life, a reduction in the degree of pain and disability, and improved treatment compliance and cooperation.

More Facts

Research has documented a high correlation between depression and increased risk of dying or impairment in patients with coronary heart disease:

• In coronary heart disease patients with a history of myocardial infarction (heart attack), the prevalence of various forms of depression is estimated from 40 to 65 percent.
• 18-20 percent of coronary heart patients without a history of heart attack may experience depression.
• Major depression puts heart attack victims at greater risk and appears to add to the patients' disability from heart disease. Depression can contribute to a worsening of symptoms as well as poor adherence to cardiac treatment regimens.
• People who survive heart attacks but suffer from major depression have a 3-4 times greater risk of dying within six months than those who do not suffer from depression.

Action Steps

Don't Ignore Symptoms! Health care professionals should always be aware of the possibility of depression co-occurring with heart disease. Patients or family members with concerns about this possibility should discuss these issues with the individual's physicians. A consultation with a psychiatrist or other mental health clinician may be recommended to clarify the diagnosis.

Get the Word Out! Emphasize the importance of professional and public awareness of the co-occurrence of depression with heart disease and proper diagnosis and treatment of depression.

Community, Professional, Advocacy Organizations, and the Media Can Help spread important messages about depression co-occurring with heart disease.

next: Co-Occurrence of Depression With Stroke
~ depression library articles
~ all articles on depression

How many women do you know who think their bodies are just fine the way they are? The sad fact is that we live in a world in which it has become normal for women to dislike their bodies, a world in which even healthy eight-year-old girls may worry about their size and shape.

The irony, of course, is that women today are doing more than ever before at home and at work and, as a group, are living longer and healthier lives. Given their many achievements and advantages, this degree of self-criticism among women seems unwarranted. Where does it all come from? What does it cost us? Can we change it?

Why Are So Many Women Dissatisfied with Their Bodies?

The reasons behind the dissatisfaction (if not hatred!) many women experience toward their own bodies are varied and complex.

Since time began, women's bodies have been important not only to themselves but to those around them. Men have always been keenly interested in the female body, not only for sexual pleasure but also for the opportunity to sire offspring and produce heirs. Children literally depend on women's bodies for life and for nurturance. Women themselves are acutely attuned to their menstrual cycles and their reproductive capacities over their lifespans.

And yet, today, more than ever before, women are also keenly aware of other women's bodies and idealized images so highly prized in American culture. You cannot turn around without exposure to depictions of very thin, "flawless, often highly sexualized women. They're virtually everywhere, bombarding every woman throughout the day.

What many women may not fully appreciate, however, is that many of the faces and bodies plastered on magazine covers, television screens, movie posters, and billboards are maintained through unhealthy or unnatural means. In more and more cases, too, the images are literally impossible to attain " because they are computer-generated! Legs are made longer or thinner, imperfections air-brushed away, and the beautiful face and form "manufactured" through a composite of "perfect" parts from several different women. Women with more ordinary attributes may experience relief in knowing that not even the models can look this "perfect." Nevertheless, many of us hold such images in our own minds as the standard against which we measure our own beauty.

Some writers have observed that these stringent standards for female beauty coincide with the increase in women's power and presence in the outside, "man's" world. Maybe there is some pull or pressure "whether conscious or not "to keep women "in their place." And setting unhealthy, unattainable standards for appearance has the potential to disempower many women across the lifespan and cultural spectrum.

Another aspect of body dissatisfaction may be rooted in the fact that women's bodies have always been more vulnerable than men's and subject, in some situations, to unwanted sexual intrusions. When intrusions occur, a woman can feel less in control of her body, more "dirty" or used, and may need to distance herself from her body. This is certainly not the case for every woman with body dissatisfaction, but these factors do contribute to many women's problems with self-esteem and body image today.

Body Dissatisfaction Takes Its Toll

The costs of body dissatisfaction and hatred can be very high. Eating disorders can flourish in such an environment. Cruelty and prejudice against fat people go unchecked as well. The self-esteem of women and girls suffers greatly, and sometimes permanently.

Jean Kilbourne, creator of the videos Killing Us Softly: Advertising's Image of Women (Media Education Foundation, 1979) and Slim Hopes: Advertising & the Obsession with Thinness (Media Education Foundation, 1995), points out that when women (and girls, too, unfortunately) are asked what they most wish for, the vast majority say "to lose weight" " not to make lots of money, have love in their lives, be successful, or have the world at peace. She calls this a tragic "failure of imagination." Meanwhile, the diet industry continues to make millions and millions of dollars each year, thriving on self-hatred and fostering false hopes and unrealistic dreams.

Imagine what the world would be like if women felt secure and comfortable in their bodies, appreciated their individual talents and strengths, and laughed heartily at the impossible, unrealistic images that bombard them. I think we would notice differences in such a generation of women, both externally and, more importantly, internally.

Body image and feelings about the self are not easy to change, but here are some measures that can help. Keep in mind that any steps you take, no matter how small, will move you that much closer to your final goals of feeling more comfortable with yourself and your body.

• Learn more about this widespread problem. I highly recommend Jane R. Hirschmann and Carol H. Munter's book, When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies: Freeing Yourself from Food and Weight Obsession (Fawcett Books, 1997). It is hard to think in the same way about these issues after reading it. They do a nice job in particular with ideas about managing "bad body thoughts." Other good books are also available "check out the catalog available through www.bulimia.com for more titles, or visit Hirschmann and Munter's Web site at www.overcomingovereating.com.
• Make an ongoing effort to STOP talking about diets and "imperfect" body parts with your female friends. Consider talking to them instead about what you are doing with your life and why you are doing it.
• When you catch yourself criticizing your body or what you've eaten, STOP, remind yourself that self-criticism is part of this syndrome, and shift your attention elsewhere; repeat as necessary.
• Get help if you suspect or know that you have an eating disorder. There are several articles on this site that describe these life-threatening conditions.
• Challenge media images "to yourself, and out loud when with your family, children, and friends. Write and complain if you see images you don't like. Support products with advertisements that feature "normal" looking and/or "normally" sized people.
• Set a good example for girls (and teach boys about these issues, too). Do not model obsessive dieting or self-criticism.
• Start to appreciate your body's various functions: how it walks, makes babies, stays healthy, sees and hears, etc.
• Take good care of yourself. Learn to eat well (most of the time), get moderate exercise and enough sleep, give yourself treats occasionally, and keep supportive people in your life.
• Exercise and move your body for strengthening, health, pleasure, and/or stress reduction. Avoid exercising in desperate, obsessive, or self-punishing ways.

And, finally, remember: the great beauties of yesteryear " from Lillian Russell to Marilyn Monroe "would be considered FAT by today's standards.

next: Body Image Questionnaire and How to Love Your Body and Yourself
~ eating disorders library
~ all articles on eating disorders

Are you a co-dependent? Find out about co-dependence and the co-dependency recovery process. We have in-depth information on co-dependency.

About Co-Dependence

• What is Co-dependency, Co-dependence?
• How I Came to Understand the Term "Co-dependence" (Co-dependent)
• Alcoholism and Co-dependence
• The Death of an Alcoholic
• Grave Emotional and Mental Disorders
• Co-dependence Defined
• Codependence vs. Interdependence
• The Evolution of the Term "Codependence"
• Codependence as Delayed Stress Syndrome
• Being Co-dependent: A Dance of Suffering, Shame, and Self-abuse
• The Co-dependency Recovery Process: Mental, Emotional, Spiritual

next: What is Co-dependency, Co-dependence?

Alone again? Perhaps it's time to invent a new beginning. You can do that most effectively by working on you; preparing for love. There is no shame in starting over.

How do you work on YOU? You begin by paying attention to what you need to be fulfilled as an individual. Focus on YOU! Self inquire!

Here are a few questions to help you get started. Are you happy? Sad? Disappointed in where you are in the relationship you have with yourself? Angry? Resentful? When you are alone, do you feel lonely? Are you always blaming others for what happens to you? Do you have regrets or guilt about the last relationship that didn't work out the way you had hoped it would? Do you know that something is missing in your life and you are not quite sure what it is? Are you always looking back?

Do you know what it feels like to live in the present; to really be present to what is going on? Do you know specifically what you NEED from a relationship? (Have you really ever thought seriously about that? Make a list.)

Are you feeling sorry for yourself? Do you continue to attract the same kind of people from one relationship to the next? Have you yet to reach a point where it becomes pointless to complain because you now know that relationships are what YOU make of them? Have you lost touch with the spiritual side of things?

Have you forgotten to be grateful for what you do have instead of feeling resentful for what you have lost? Do you know down deep inside that there must be something better?

These are just a few questions you can answer that will cause you to begin to understand that no matter how hopeless or how great things appear to be, they can always be better.

What else can you do? Get totally honest with yourself. Start holding yourself accountable for who you are in the matter; how you feel about the way things are. When you do, you will learn that it is time to stop blaming your former love partner and start taking full responsibility for YOUR share of the problems that caused the break-up in the first place. Relationship problems are NEVER only one person's fault. If they affect you, the problems are shared problems. If you are together, you can work on them together. If you are alone again, you must work on them alone. Of course, you can choose not to, and there are consequences.

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When you decide (and only WHEN you decide) to do something different, you must promise yourself (a promise you intend to keep) that you will do everything within your power to be happy instead of holding on to being right. In other words, discontinue justifying what doesn't work and begin to do something different.

Is there more you can do? Read good books about relationships that stimulate your thinking; that inspire you to a better way of living. Attend seminars and workshops, not just about relationships, but those that empower you to change the way you have been. That's the smart choice because the old way didn't work very well, did it?

This could also mean dropping a few of your loser friends. You know who they are. Hanging around people who bring you down does not support a healthy love relationship with you or anyone else. Become involved in a support group; one that supports you in being a better you; one that uplifts your spirit.

Begin to journal. Get honest with how you FEEL about things; how things "really are" instead of how you "think" they are. Write it all down. Be honest with yourself! Spend a lot of time thinking about what's happening right now, instead of dwelling on the past. There is no future in the past. Being concerned about something that has already happened; something you cannot change, keeps you stuck. To begin again; to really move ahead, you must work on YOU! Let go of the past.

What are the benefits of working on YOU? One of the rewards for working on you is that you begin to feel good about who you are! You begin to love you again! Not the self-centered love that distracts you from being loving to others, but a genuine love-of-self; the kind of love you can share with others.

Loving yourself for who you are causes you to feel like a whole person again. When this occurs, you may be ready for another relationship. . . when it shows up. Not before. Unless you work toward this magic moment, you may always continue to be disappointed with the relationships that show up in your life. Opposites do not attract. That's a myth. Remember, like attracts like. You attract to yourself that which you are. You always have. You always will.

If you cannot handle the most important relationship in your life - the one you have with yourself - then you will never be able to truly relate to a relationship with two people in it.

We spent so much of our time being concerned about the relationship we are in with someone else, that we forget about ourselves. This is called "losing yourself in the relationship." This can never be a healthy way of being.

Working on yourself takes discipline, determination and doing something different. For lasting change; the kind of change that makes a difference, you must "change your behavior."

The relationship we have with ourselves and the relationship we have with others takes intentional effort. This, we know is true: "We must work on relationships ALL THE TIME, not only when they are broken and need to be fixed!" Relationships should never become a struggle. They become a struggle when someone is not pulling their fair share of the load.

It is difficult to feel good about yourself, when you know you are letting your love partner down by not giving yourself your full attention. You take care of you - your partner does the same. It's difficult, if not impossible, to pay attention to the overall relationship unless you both know how to focus attention on yourselves first. Two broken people can't fix each other.

You only have the choice to fix you! To invent a new beginning, you must first acknowledge the problems that require solutions. To fix yourself, you must never stray from the path of self-discovery. You must always know where you stand with yourself. The only way you can do this is to be attentive to, and intentional about having the best relationship with yourself that is humanly possible.

When you are ready; when you have given yourself adequate time to prepare for love again. . . a relationship with someone else will be there. You will find each other.

Imagine the possibilities? Two whole, healthy people, together! Each feeling good about themselves; loving themselves and sharing that love with each other. Can you imagine both love partners working on the relationship they have with each other and supporting each other in their own personal growth?

If you believe it, really believe it, and make sure you are always doing the best you can to cause it to be this way. . . anything is possible!

What to do? Don't waste time. Begin again. . . now! Never stop working on YOU!

next: Powerful Beyond Measure! Or. . . What's This About Mid-life Crisis?

• LoveNote. . . When you fail to hit the target, never in history has it been the target's fault. ~ Larry Winget

Once upon a time, I spent nearly sixteen months being with a wonderful woman whom I loved very much. I still do. I always will. Somehow there was a very special connection. And we are no longer together. I have discovered that it is possible to love someone and not be with them. It took me a while to be okay with that.

Separation, divorce or death do not end a relationship. . . they only change it. As long as you have memory you will always be related. We can recognize when a relationship is over and it never ends. The relationship only becomes different. . . it never ends.

Must separation put an end to friendship? Certainly not. Although we are apart, we remain friends. And that was a personal decision. We both acknowledge that the relationship can never again be as it was.

Even when people occasionally get back together, the relationship can only be different, never as it was. Sometimes better. Sometimes worse. Never as it was.

When we went our separate ways, I sought the assistance of a professional therapist. It was early during those nearly six months that it became very clear that I had very little idea about what I really wanted in a relationship.

In the past I had always accepted what showed up in a relationship and dealt with it as best I could. That was then. . . this is now. The old way of being in a relationship is no longer good enough for me. It is simply not acceptable.

During this period of self-discovery, I became more aware of who I was being that contributed to my relationship being over. I soon discovered my most pressing need. In my heart I felt a growing need to become deeply engrossed in a relentless search for who I would have to become to have a healthy love relationship.

Regardless of whether you are in a committed relationship or coming out of a relationship, relationships can always be better than they are. Do some careful analysis on how you can make things better. This is a strategy worthy of your very best efforts.

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Who would you have to become to have your relationships be great? What could you do differently? Whose assistance could you request? How will you change? Or will you? Are you willing to stop trying to change your love partner?

It is not possible to change anyone else. Change is always a personal decision, an individual choice.

Communicate. . . with love. Be in constant communication about what you want and what you don't want. Demonstrate your commitment by pledging to help each other stay on the path of self-discovery and to always be opting for a love relationship anchored in unconditional love.

Then do something. . . together, as soon as you can and whenever you can.

Who would you have to become?

Think about it.

Adapted from the book, "How to Really Love the One You're With."

next: Learning to Love the One You're With!

The belief system which the work of Robert Burney is based upon starts with the belief that the Truth of who we really are is:

Spiritual Beings having a human experience!

"We are not weak, sinful, shameful human creatures who have to somehow earn the right to become Spiritual. We are Spiritual Beings having a human experience. That is a 180-degree swing in perspective. It changes everything!

As John Lennon said, "Imagine." Imagine a world based upon this knowledge.

The belief that there is something inherently wrong or shameful about being human is all-pervasive in human civilized society. It is woven into the fabric of civilized societies around the world.

There is nothing shameful or bad about being human!

We are NOT being punished for something some dude did in a Garden thousands of years ago!!!

We are NOT being punished because some angels tried a coup d'etat on some bearded male god.

We are NOT being punished, as some of the new age psychics and channeled entities claim, as the result of our ancestors becoming trapped in the lower vibrational frequencies because they liked sex too much, or procreated with animals.

THAT IS ALL BULLSHIT!!!

Those are twisted, distorted, grotesquely warped misinterpretations of what were originally symbolic, metaphoric, allegorical attempts to explain the unexplainable.   They no longer contain more than an echo of a grain of Truth in them.   They have been distorted so grotesquely because of the shame which humans assumed came with the pain of the original wound.

We are also not trapped in a vale of tears because there is no God-Force.     We do not exist simply because of some biological accident.

And we are not going through a cycle of lifetimes simply because that is all there is - or as Buddha supposedly taught, of which the goal is to cease to exist.

I say supposedly because it is very difficult to discern what Buddha actually taught and what distortions polluted the Truth which he accessed.

The teachings of all the Master Teachers, of all the world's religions, contain some Truth along with a lot of distortions and lies.   Discerning Truth is often like recovering treasure from shipwrecks that have been sitting on the ocean floor for hundreds of years - the grains of Truth, the nuggets of gold, have become encrusted with garbage over the years."

"We are transcendent Spiritual Beings who are part of the ONENESS that is the God-Force. We always have been and always will be. We are perfect in our Spiritual Essence. We are perfectly where we are supposed to be on our Spiritual Path. And from a human perspective we will never be able to do "human" perfectly - which is perfect.

We have been trying to do human perfect according to a false belief system in order to get Spiritual. It does not work. It's dysfunctional."

"Life is not some kind of test, that if we fail, we will be punished. We are not human creatures who are being punished by an avenging god. We are not trapped in some kind of tragic place out of which we have to earn our way by doing the "right" things. We are Spiritual Beings having a human experience. We are here to learn. We are here to go through this process that is life. We are here to feel these feelings."

"In order to make any progress in learning to Love and trust ourselves we need to have a Spiritual belief system that supports the possibility that we are unconditionally Loved. This is vital in helping us to stop shaming and judging ourselves."

"We are all experiencing a Spiritual evolutionary process which is unfolding perfectly and always has been. Everything is unfolding perfectly according to divine plan, in alignment with precise mathematically, musically attuned laws of energy interaction."

"I spent most of my life feeling like I was being punished because I was taught that God was punishing and that I was unworthy and deserved to be punished. I had thrown out those beliefs about God and life on a conscious, intellectual level in my late teens - but in Recovery I was horrified to discover that I was still reacting to life emotionally based on those beliefs.

I realized that my perspective of life was being determined by beliefs that I had been taught as a child even though they were not what I believed as an adult. That perspective caused my emotional truth to be that I felt like life was punishing me, and that I was not good enough - that something was wrong with me. I felt like a victim of life, like a victim of myself, at the same time that I was blaming others for not making me happy.

I had to start trying to find a concept of a Higher Power who could Love me even though I was an imperfect human. If my Creator is judging me then who am I not to judge myself? On the other hand if the Goddess Loves me unconditionally then who am I not to Love myself? And if the God/Goddess/Great Spirit/Universal Force Truly Loves me then everything has to be happening for reasons that are ultimately Loving.

The more I came to believe and trust - what some place deep inside of me I could feel, could remember, was the Truth - that all of the pieces of this puzzle of life fit together perfectly, and that there are no accidents, no coincidences, no mistakes, the more I was able to accept and Love myself and others. And the more I was able to trust the process, myself, and my Higher Power."

"The reason that we have not been Loving our neighbor as ourselves is because we have been doing it backwards. We were taught to judge and feel ashamed of ourselves. We were taught to hate ourselves for being human.

We are here to learn to Love ourselves so that we can Truly Love our neighbors. We've been doing it backwards: hating our neighbors like we hate ourselves.

It is kind of a cosmic joke, see. We have been taught that we are human and that it is bad and shameful, and that we have to somehow earn the right to be Spiritual. The Truth is that we already are Spiritual and there is nothing bad or shameful about 'being human'."

Spiritual Beings having a human experience.

This is the polar opposite of the beliefs which underlie Civilization. In order to become aligned with the Truth of an Unconditionally Loving Higher Power/God-Force/Goddess Energy/Great Spirit we need to change our relationships with ourselves and everything in our life.

next: Spirituality for Agnostics and Atheists

I Am the Heart

the fruit of my contemplations

Mind... I must talk to you. Stop those tears and look at me. I demand your attention.

Your wretchedness I can no longer stand. Your blindness to the way you continue to lead your life forces me to make a stand. Equally I come to you out of Loving Compassion and Loving Anger. For far too long your power and influence have been asserted within the activities of each day, and look what it continues to bring. I am the heart. I am the silent witness to all your follies. I am the link to the unknown to let you FEEL God's presence.

You are a knower of things, but I am the Truth. I know not fear for I am Love itself. I have stood by you since birth and consistently offered you my Love and counsel, but now you have ignored me too many times. Do you concede that this is now the time for change? Surrender to ageless wisdom for I see that you are at the end of your road, and your efforts to secure a good life have been subtly undermined by your own misunderstandings. Do not despair, I come to you in Truth and Love, and would never forsake you as you have known in days past. We are really one and all I have to offer is Love, learning, and fulfillment. Would you deny yourself the chance to experience such things ? Hear me out as I show you areas of your life that have brought you repetition of pain.

Mind... I hear your thoughts, and I watch as you sink into sorrow. You think that you are kind, caring and considerate, yet you say your kindness is always unrequited in the areas of your life that are so very very dear to you. But these qualities you talk of are not enough if you expect a life in Love to be mirrored back to you. Tell me... where were you when you were most needed ?... Where were your responses when people cried out for your presence?... Alas, so many times you were wandering, and when those voices became hoarse, they could not do anything else but leave.

Mind... you struggle from a sense of loss, but in truth, loss and gain are the same thing. You are Loved very much, and what is needed to serve your growth will always be provided. What has served its purpose will be withdrawn, only to be replaced with another Loving gift. Life is a mirror to your thinking, and the way you look at any given situation will determine the state of your well being. Is not a clay cup as valuable as a golden chalice? Do they not enable the same thirst to be quenched ? You are in anguish over solitude, but can't you see how this solitude has brought us together at last ? For so many years you have been living apart from me. Now you have ears that will finally listen to the Love that you have been dismissing in my many efforts to improve your life.

Mind... now is the time to bring forth understandings... Many understandings of the way that life has unfolded from the choices that you have decided to put into action. Be sure that I will help you find the many mysterious truths you have always thought you were in possession of. Oh Mind... let me begin a lengthy discourse for your benefit. Be still... be patient as I take command of this life for a time.

In all your worldly years, you have been gathering information and knowledge about people and events, and have built an immense library of everything that has happened to you. Every event has been recorded and you have found a place in which to store it. In your childhood, you had little or no such information available as you had not yet learned to read, and never needed to make notes or observations. Uncomplicated by desires and pure of Heart, you would naturally come to me that I might be with you throughout your daily life. In simplicity you would follow the ways of the Heart, to then continue in Peaceful innocence with your day.

As your worldly skills and knowledge became many, you began to become independent of me. This in itself was good as you began to develop reasoning, logic and discernment, but something happened along the way where you would call on me less and less. You started to rely on information long ago gathered, and applied it to each and every situation you encountered. You then forgot about discrimination and discernment and applied old learning to new situations. You never even thought to consider that the information you dragged out of your shadowy rooms might now be redundant. Unlike the desires of a young child which are outgrown by what becomes valid for an adult, you have hung on to what was once legitimate and kept on applying it. You allowed the result of one experience to apply to similar and even new experiences. Your source of reference to the events of life continued to come out of dusty old books from dimly lit rooms.

As years went by, your library became the centre of your universe, but unknown to you, you had contracted your life and greatly limited your horizons. Often I would prompt you with my silent words, but you had not the courage to act upon them. You would go back to seek an answer from one of your old books and act upon your life in this manner. As your efforts to secure a stable life would not bring the peace you had hoped for and sought after, you would go into your huge house to find comfort and support by delving into your old books. Thus, there would grow a reliance on old memories and wishful yearnings to guide you in life as it unfolded.

Mind... where are you going ? Stay with me. You drift away even as I am talking to you. See how uncontrolled and undisciplined your behavior is. See how scattered your mental processes are. This is the very thing that has prompted me to come forward to you. I can no longer stand by and watch you suffer so needlessly and so continually. Dear sweet mind who tries so hard. Your ideals stem from that which is good, but so many of your choices and actions have come from what you might call safety; protection; caution; but I know them for what they truly are... Fear! Oh Mind... if I prompt you to tears, it is only because a truth now stands shining before you illuminating an old and dark ignorant ideal.

Mind... I'm telling you! A door has opened before you. If you linger for too long, a great opportunity will vanish and you shall fall back into old ways. Be very careful where you tred, and do not wander too far from me during this time or you will endure more hardship. Stay close to me... I am your friend. Together we can bathe in the peace of unity. Do not think that you will find comfort and answers in your imaginings. The truth of the eternal moment is where contentment lies. Fantasies you conjure up may show an ideal state to live in, but when you come out of your wanderings and wake up to what you have been doing, you only bring pain to yourself as your ideal crumbles by the Truth of the moment you live in.

Mind... some of your imaginings may be kind and considerate, but they are not truth. Use the kindness you employ to be kind to yourself. Bring your self imposed suffering to an end by keeping company with me in the eternal moment. Ask yourself; what is it you seek out of life ? Why do you seek fulfillment in your imaginings. How does illusion tempt you from being involved in the world ?

Mind.. pay attention whenever you are asked for information. By your wanderings, you omit so many times to bring back what is required, to then bring yourself to complain that the needs of the moment remain unfulfilled. Always hang on firmly to what I ask of you. Perform your duty before you take your leave. Please do not come back empty handed when I give you a task. We must work as one.

Mind... your imaginings have been so fantastic, that you have lost sight of the truth of the world that you live in. Poor mind, that you need to create so actively in order to support yourself, it is your very creations which keep you in chains. From your bondage, you then have to create again in order to gain support. But look outside where I reside. Look at the colours in my world. Look at the living light that surrounds all beings. Look at the gentleness and easy pace of those who have united with themselves. "In the Moment" is their abode. They are free and believing in themselves. Mind... from now on, do not feel sad when you return from your wanderings, it is only because you have not been sustained. You went there seeking peace, and for a time, you fully believed that you had found it, but when I tapped you on the shoulder, your creation dissolved and tears welled up in your eyes. Oh mind, I will continue to help you through your misguided ways. I know that what you seek is really me. I am the Heart and I always speak the Truth

Mind... when you visit a place within your imaginings that you call the future, what can you show for your efforts upon return? Look at your hands, they are empty... but are they ?... they tremble. Are you carrying something heavy ? How painful it would be to know ones future. How painful to know of future sorrow. How equally painful to know of future joy. Since the present already contains enough concerns of the day, how would you stand a pain that would intensify from a desire to obtain a long awaited blessing. If you could truly wait in peace for such things, then I would not be here with you talking as I do. So then... would you deliberately wish such a thing upon yourself?... Softly I hear you say "No". Then take my hand and let us rest a while in the warm sun. I am the Heart and I always speak the Truth

Mind... you cannot look into the unknown as I can. Your vision is stored in dead books of the past, but my vision is alive, and in each instant there is guidance in new directions linked to Love. For far too long You have put aside my vision of courage and daring for your vision of safety. Do not continue to inhibit your growth by giving in relentlessly to ways which will bring sorrow. Together we will work to build a new life I am the Heart and I always speak the Truth

Mind... there is much work to be done and I borrow some words from a very learned and loving script.

"No matter how hard the task, one should never lose courage. Courage is the key to success. To lose Heart is to lose everything."

Do not yield to despondency which is unworthy and dishonoring of your true nature. When you become enveloped in doubt, come to me. Can you expect a new life without any effort on your part? Can a worker expect an honorable wage if he has been idle ? Are you willing to prepare the field for the harvest you expect? Dreams of happiness and contentment will simply remain dreams if no action arises out of the inspiration. Since dreams of worth are implanted like a seed, (a gift no less), it is up to the individual to bring the dream forth into reality through effort and concentration. The substance of dreams is itself flimsy and vulnerable, but the reality of a fulfilled dream can only go on to inspire ever greater achievements. There is always invisible assistance at your disposal, for faith is a magnet that will draw energy for your efforts, and grace you with amazing events to unblock obstacles and give you many clear understandings.

But I hear you say, "Faith !... Yes, I believe in God". But tell me... do you believe in what God can do ? I sense the birth of a million answers to the single question I have put before you, but don't be concerned too much by them though, it is your nature to learn. It is your duty to seek life's questions as well as life's answers, however, should you find difficulty with the question of believing, then start by believing in yourself. Believe in your own goodness. Believe in the quality of your longing to want a good life.

Are not your fondest dreams worthy of high appraisal?

Would the simple and good things you truly seek out of life bring disarray to yourself or anyone else ?

Be very sure of the Motive behind your Dreams and Prayers. Should they become fulfilled, would you then lie back in idle comfort, satisfied with a prize that you would perceive as coming through your own efforts. Or would you become empowered by gratitude that good fortune has indeed smiled upon you. Could you then begin to lead a life in simple service to others simply by being ready to give a portion of the things that are now a part of your good life ? And would you let the river of good fortune CONTINUE to flow through you unblocked by selfish ignorance and unawareness ? Could you adopt the philosophy that says..

."Freely you have received, now freely give unto others".

The gifts of the Heart are living and need to be transplanted time and time again in order that they might thrive and flourish. I am the Heart and I always speak the Truth

M ind... so you say that this is all very hard work. Well, you are right, but years of neglecting what you have perceived as seemingly small and insignificant truths, will require a great commitment to courage and Love in becoming new. When that which is denied is called trivial, the way is then laid for more important things to fall victim to the same rationalizations. There are many old books that you will have to clear out of your secret rooms. You know a little of kindness, affection, and Love, but you know nothing of the Power of Love. Courage, I know you understand, but are you ready to employ it? Will you let me lead you to a glorious new life ? Victory can be yours, even though every victory requires a battle. But fear not, for in this battle there will be no scars left to bear... rather, there will only be healing of scars that already exist.

On my advice to throw away those old books, will you heed my words and begin to discard, or will you retreat for advice from the very books that have failed to serve your welfare ? Don't look back and forth between me and your dusty old notes. My words offered to you are always Truth. Your very indecision indicates the challenge I put before you and your books. Poor sweet ignorant mind, troubled only by your state, I seek not power over you, I only wish the best that life can offer you. Come here and let me embrace you. Oh troubled mind, my peace I would give to you if only you would take it. I am the Heart and I always speak the Truth

Mind... I am ageless and full of learning, but in the infancy of the body, you had no acquired learning. You were pure and totally dependant. It is you who have to gain understandings of life. It is you who has to learn from experience. I have nothing to learn for I am Love. I have always known how to give Love, and I have always known how to receive Love. You however have the task of understanding the meaning and the power of Love. You must build a life of knowledge from a point of view that you humbly know nothing. What you do become familiar with, treat it as though there is still something hidden that awaits a wonderful discovery by you. You must be open to a greater source of knowledge. Never think that you are a source of knowledge. Only seek to acquire knowledge that you may come to understand the Source. I am the Heart and I always speak the Truth

Mind... everything must be new. Consider yourself the pure child once again. Be open, eager, and receptive to the continuity of life's ongoing challenges. Learn everything anew. Cast out all your old books written in darkness.... black and dusty and bound in fear. Everything will be new. Come to me if you feel a need to read. Delve into the book of the heart. Its gleaming white pages and golden ink will reveal the answers that you have always sought, for this book is bound in Truth. Its pages are few, and there is only one volume, yet it contains all the wisdom and knowledge of the Universe. It is a living book, it is God's nature, and it resides in all people. I am the Heart and I always speak the Truth

Oh Mind, whenever you find events require my guidance, I will always speak to you in "Soul Words". Understand that though I use the term "Hear", you will never actually "Hear" these words... but rather you will simply know them... you will "Feel" them. Such "Soul Words" are very few, but are concentrated with meaning through the power of Love. It is your "Mind Words" that are many and sometimes endless. It is your "Mind Words" that proliferate and smother my silent message to you. It is your "Mind Words" which disturb the fine balance of Discrimination, Intuition, and Reasoning. The Mind must therefore be employed in maintaining and sustaining the harmony that the Soul has to offer you. Any state of confusion comes from a lack of unity and internal division. Mind... whenever I prompt you with my Love and my words, it will be for the benefit of your life... it will be in service to that which is good. I am the Heart and I always speak the Truth

Mind... your activities in looking for peace are innumerable. If you would only begin to realise that it is all so unnecessary. You too can be a great source of peace, but it is you are the one who has been dictating the state of well being and stability for the life you are maintaining. So actively you pursue contentment by employing the five senses to absorb outside experiences. Never once bothering to consider the ocean of serenity that might lie within as one of your options to pursue. Oh how you have forgotten me... you have lost me. You have lost sight of my Love and my Light like a ship gets lost in a fog. In a cloud of restlessness and ignorance you seek and seek and seek. But if you would only sit for a time and watch how the mist is dissolved by the rising Sun, you would see your direction in life become perfectly clear. Now... in this moment... through my Love I can show you how to rest in yourself. Go to the quiet place within. Close your eyes and soften your breathing. If your thoughts begin to wander, do not bother to pursue or entertain them. Though they will surely be there, simply watch them without involvement; in time, a new peace will come upon you. Whilst also in this meditative state, have tender remembrance for God, whatever that perception might be.

For you... might you perceive God as a awesome heavenly deity?... Perhaps divinely played music... Is God the wonders of nature?... Do you find God in knowledge?... or is God simply the Truth?

However it is for you, be peaceful, be gentle. Come to the silent inner space with reverence and Love knowing that you are always so very welcome. Give yourself a chance to experience a wonderful gift. I am the Heart and I always speak the Truth

Mind... silently I watch all your activities; all your thinking; all your desires. Unaffected by your choices and dramas, I remain ever faithful to you in offering my continued Love and Guidance. Never will I reprimand you for any foolish thing that you might do. Any anguish and guilt that you suffer from is of you own making. Whenever a regretful act is realised, it is you who does the chastising. But what is the use of such thinking. How will you ever grow in Love from a past act by agitation and self condemnation? Only in peace will you gain understandings of yourself; of your choices; and of your ways. In this way you will learn to empower yourself from the Truth of your nature. Acceptance of yourself and all your ways will then lead you to clear understandings... bright and shining jewels to always be available as guides to your ongoing life. As these understandings of yourself and life increase, you will be more easily prompted to the Truth of new situations that come your way. You will find ease in finding what is right for you and what is right for your life. I am the Heart and I always speak the Truth

Mind... so often you are very eager for new things to be a part of your life... even good things... even the highest things. The want to have such things is wonderful, but when your zeal is not tempered with Patience, anxiety becomes linked to these good things. Tell me... does such behaviour serve you ? Does anxiety go hand in hand with the attributes of the good things you seek? In your searching's for happiness, you will naturally want to escape discontent as fast as possible, but how often have you found yourself simply going from one experience into the next. In time, what was once new becomes old and familiar. Discontent again manifests and a cycle repeats. Know what it is that you are reaching out for before it is yours. Learn Patience and let peace always be associated with that which you seek. Sometimes waiting requires courage... sometimes endurance, but in such a time of transition, take stock of where you are in your life. Contemplate past experiences and extract learning and value from them to prepare you for the next phase of your life.

Oh dear Mind... I am the Heart and I can wait forever if I have to. Since I am Love, I am gentleness and calmness. I am peace, and I am tranquility. I am free of support and always content in myself. However, I would never need to wait for anything, for I have everything, I am everything. I can only give, but you are the seeker of that which I am, and your ways of acquiring the attributes of my nature only bring you a temporary peace which then make your searching's endless. Can't you see that it is I that you seek ? When you merge with me fully, you will have fulfilled your deepest longing. I am the Heart and I always speak the Truth

Mind... sometimes you hear my words quite clearly and then begin to consider their worth. Yet so many times you will disregard them as trivial or unimportant... you evaluate what I have to offer. But tell me, what are you comparing my words with ? What is the counterweight on your scales that are used against my words of pure Gold ? Can Truth ever be measured by anything else other than Truth ? I am the Heart and I always speak the Truth

Mind... what are you doing. In the past few days during our talks, a new peace has come to you. You have been listening so very carefully, that the light of Truth has illumined many shadows, yet I sense that you are afraid. You are uneasy in your stillness since so often you have lived with tension and anxiety. Now you have a new fear that something is wrong since you are out of what you might call your natural state. Though this state is truly not natural for you, it is so very very common to you. Believe that stillness and gentleness is the true indication of the natural state. You are a ray from the Supreme source of Love, and all your activities should be aligned to the nature of the Source. Through the power of contemplation and meditation, you have touched upon your true nature. Through it, you have been building a reserve of strength and Love to see you peacefully through your days. See also how the body has responded to these efforts. It too gains strength and endurance. It functions efficiently, and its daily encounters are dealt with in a confident and determined manner. Oh Mind... see how you can be a Destroyer or a Builder. Such a misfortune it is for a Soul to bear the burden of a restless Mind. Fragmented thinking will bring you a fragmented life. Focused thinking will bring you a focused life. Know that if out of Love for me, you build a strong and pure Mind, then I will surely build you a "New Life". This is the promise of the Heart, for I am the Heart and I always speak the Truth

Mind... In regard to the natural knowledge of the Heart, pray that these truths I unfold to you, come to reside deep within you as surely as your very name does. In all circumstances they must be among your first responses to events in your unfolding life. Even the wisest and best men can neglect their duty in carefree and easy times, so always be watchful of your ongoing need to maintain awareness and openness to learning.

"Those who are given much, much is demanded",

...says wise Scripture.

Continue to search and enquire; soak up the abounding knowledge that is available in Sacred texts and Philosophies. Do not read too much at one time and expect all understandings to stay a part of you, but identify that which calls out to the Heart and begin to build upon that. I will mirror such things for you by sending them back in streams of Love as new Truths for you to pursue. Always be available to the kindly promptings of long ago learned wisdom. Let great knowledge continue to be re-discovered time and time again, for truth in the written word is most blessed amongst all gifts. I am the Heart and I always speak the Truth

Mind... remember also the experience and guidance that others on their own path can give you. There is so much to learn of life, that the time allotted to one lifetime in inadequate to secure the wisdom of the ages.. and rightly so... for this ensures the need for an ongoing interaction among all Peoples. The requirements of the NEED to give and the NEED to receive are born out of unbounding Love. Remember how much there is to know and how little you know, but always do this with kindly thoughts of yourself. This way, you will always be open and eager to allow new experiences and knowledge to come to you and live permanently within you. I am the Heart and I always speak the Truth

Mind... as you progress and advance in knowledge and understandings of the Spiritual nature of life, you will encounter many people who would be bound in fear as you have known. It is here that you must recall how it was for yourself. Oh how it is so easy to lie back in the comfort of one's acquired peace regardless of how much merit may have been involved in the learning. Again, it is so easy to forget the struggles of learning that one can become insensitive... perhaps intolerant of those who are in the process of their own learning, or of those whose actions are still enmeshed in fear. It is here that the wise person will call on compassion at ALL such times. Compassion is a quality of sympathy and caring that has undying remembrance in the struggle and pain of ones own lessons. Therefore, it is only in the light of ones own acquired peace and awareness, that the truest Love can be given out to the one in need. Remember your own struggles, and always be aware of the struggles of others. I am the Heart and I always speak the Truth

Mind... always remember that you are a vessel of things which have become known, but the Heart is a vessel of All things. It is your nature to exercise effort in building and giving a form to something in order to understand it, but my nature is content with a formless invisible feeling. It's knowledge of a thing is not built. It simply exists and is immediately embraced with great Love and unquestioning Faith. Oh Mind, be sure that questions are never associated with the Heart, for it is always content. The Heart is always willing to delve into the unknown. You however, will always relate the essence of an event with what you have already had experience of. The Heart is faith and trust; it cannot be hurt and is always ready with pure and silent courage. There are no questions in the Heart, there is only the issuing of the faith of Truth.

Are you anxious?

Are you in doubt?

Are you afraid?

Oh Mind, if such things are visiting you, then you cannot be visiting me. Come to the Cave of the Heart. Rest. Wait for my gifted Truths for you to spring forth and satisfy your needs. From these things, it should be known that when the Mind has had an experience of the fruits of the faithful and daring ways of the Heart, it can then be used in a most magnificent way in the building of a great life for the Souls journey of which it is assisting. I am the Heart and I always speak the Truth

Mind... when you Truly become one with me you will be fearless and will never be prompted into action from choices that are linked to fear. As you develop in your new thinking, more and more you will find yourself coming to me. The effort needed may be demanding at times, and there can even be a fear of breaking through the barrier of fear. This is where faith and courage must be called upon since what lies beyond fear is really another unknown for you. Such fear is well and truly understandable. However, what really lies ahead for you is only great Love... Love and Grace will be poured out to you as you conquer the major obstacle of life... and that is Fear!... the birthplace of doubts and wrong action. It is the most destructive and limiting of all the attributes of human nature. Remember, things do not always have to be like they have been. You possess great power and abilities. You are beautiful... You are Great. Oh mind... one day your first thoughts to any situation will be pure and untainted. One day your power will come from your purity. I am the Heart and I always speak the Truth

Oh Mind... you've been quite for sometime now. Can I guess what you are feeling ? Where do you think this peace comes from ?... it comes from unity Where does the unity come from ?... it comes from grace. Where does grace come from ?... it comes from God. How has all this come about ? ... through struggle ? Yes! ... there has been a struggle... but struggle itself cannot be a source of peace. It is your devotion to build a new life being the reason for your new peace. I am the Heart and I always speak the Truth

Mind... what do you have to say in response to my words ?

Oh Heart... somewhere there is a new world. Somewhere there is a new life. I understand that my focus on life has been one of protection, and in so many situations, I have chosen the response that has had a motive of fear. But the case as you have put to me leaves me in tears as you highlight the truth in my behaviour. However, be sure that they are not tears linked to self condemnation, but of the pitiful waste I see trailed behind me. Yes!... It is true... I am tired of my shadowy rooms, and everytime you invited me into the light of the warm sun, I knew that this was truly where I would rather be.

But I have been so afraid all my life, that even the experience of the light bedazzled me as another unknown that I should then seek safety again. Often I would run back to my shadowy rooms to the familiarity of my darkness, yet at the same time, I would miss the blessed peace that I experienced whilst in your company.

Why? ... Why is it like this I began to ask ? It made no sense to wallow in sadness. You have brought a glowing ray of hope to me and I dearly want to follow it to the Source with you. Yes Heart!... I believe in you. Please teach me all there is to know about living in the light. Let me know all there is to know about Love. I know things about kindness and caring, but you are right! I know little about true Love, and how to Love truly. I will climb a ladder of growth with you, and each step I will consolidate as a stage of learning. This I shall do with contemplation on the effect it has had upon me and others alike. Your ways are the best, and I always want to be with you.

Please... I accept your offer to join hands and unite as one force. I have many abilities that can be of assistance in building a new life. You have shown me that I have great powers, but until now, they have been foolishly squandered on things I now seen as mundane. Oh Heart... I see that it is you I need to seek for guidance and counsel. It is you who should take charge of this life. What sadness I have brought upon this life. So many tears that have never needed to be cried... but I was afraid, I believed I was doing my best.

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Doubt is thought's despair; despair is personality's doubt. . .;
Doubt and despair . . . belong to completely different spheres; different sides of the soul are set in motion. . .
Despair is an expression of the total personality, doubt only of thought. -
Søren Kierkegaard

doubt 1 a : uncertainty of belief or opinion that often interferes with decision-making b : a deliberate suspension of judgment 2 : a state of affairs giving rise to uncertainty, hesitation, or suspense 3 a : a lack of confidence : DISTRUST b : an inclination not to believe or accept dis·or·der 1 : to disturb the order of 2 : to disturb the regular or normal functions of Definitions from Merriam-Webster Dictionary

"Michael"

My story is this...

When I was in sixth grade, I was first introduced to a "new" virus called HIV. It was during a Health/Sex Education class where we learned about this disease. After the teacher finished her lecture she opened up the floor for a question and answer period. Up until this point I was o.k., however, by the last question by the last student I felt extremely anxious. "What about mosquito bites, Miss?" Despite the fact that mosquitoes can not transmit the virus, I still had doubts and visioned myself dying from this horrible disease.

Over time the anxiety decreased, nothing much happened until my second year of High School. It was after my first sexual experience, an older girl who lived across the street from me. As a teenage boy, this was a thrill, after the episode was over, I rushed home to call my best friend Dan, and "brag" of my conquest. Rather than congratulate me, Dan's first question was did you wear a condom? My answer was "No". His reply was, "Are you stupid, that's how you get AIDS?" I freaked. I felt four years of anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks. All the worrying I managed to avoid since the mosquito episode, came on 10 times over. Tears, confusion and sadness we're an everyday battle. Over the next few years, I was able to "control" my anxiety, I simply pretended that the situation never took place. This method of reassurance was good in the beginning but as time went by and events took place, my wall of denial was soon destroyed by my fears of death. Routine blood work kept me in tears and in prayer until the results came back. Even though this blood work wasn't for HIV, I always feared that the lab would stumble upon the virus.

By the time I hit 19 years old, my mind had had enough. I it was during my first year of college, I met Angie, a great girl from a good family. She had alot of self-respect and was a virgin, too boot. By the time her and I had our first intimate experience together, many months had passed and I was in love. A few hours after our first experience, my mind began to drift. "What if I have HIV?", "What if I infected Angie with HIV?", "We're both going to die...". From this day forward it would get worse. Despite Doctors reassurances that my risk was very, very low, I was certain that I had this disease. Even after I worked up the nerve for a bloodtest, I had doubts. Negative results only seemed to comfort me when I wasn't sexually active. When I was, it was always a matter of "What if...".

This fear affected every aspect of my life. My college grades, my ability to hold a job, family and friends, everything! Eventually, even my relationship was lost because my low self-esteem and negative outlook on life would be too much to bare. Even though I was "Clean", I still had fear and doubts. Any situation that could be considered a "Risk" created havoc in my life. Even protected sex (when I began dating again) was too much to bare. By the time I was 23, my family Doctor diagnosed me with depression, which lead to a professional diagnosis of OCD a few months later. I began treatment in a group environment with a team of Psych Doctors and other O.C's and finally faced my fear head on this past January. One more negative HIV test and I was home free. For the past few month's I have been feeling great. I'm now in a serious relationship and hope to marry and spend the rest of my life with her. Joan is extremely supportive and cares for me a great deal.

Recently, a friend and I decided to visit a pro and get a tattoo. My reason for doing this was sort of a reward for overcoming my problem - a reminder that I can get through life's difficulties. My plan backfired though, and now I'm experiencing my OCD symptoms full force. "What if the tattoo artist infected me?" "What if he's lying about safe practices?" I'm even doubting the sterilized equipment the artist opened right before my eyes. Every time, I tell myself that I'm being ridiculous, that there's nothing to worry about, a voice inside says "How do you know?" "What if...". I can't stop and I'm terrified. I'm afraid that I've infected Joan, I fear that my future plans and goals are doomed and unattainable. No matter how many Doctors and experts reassure me that everything is o.k. - that it's my OCD, I can't relax. I can't stop worrying. Over and over and over again... HIV / AIDS. I've even began doubting that I have OCD. By accepting this fact means accepting that the HIV threat isn't real. Then the voice starts again... "How do you know?"

They say that I'm a "Pure Obsessionist", my compulsions are inside my mind rather than external or physical. I need some relief and don't know where to begin. I hate living this way but I am unable to just "let it go". If anybody who reads this can relate or feels the same as I do, please, for both of us don't give up. I keep fighting if you will.

I am not a doctor, therapist or professional in the treatment of CD. This site reflects my experience and my opinions only, unless otherwise stated. I am not responsible for the content of links I may point to or any content or advertising in HealthyPlace.com other then my own.

Always consult a trained mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment choice or changes in your treatment. Never discontinue treatment or medication without first consulting your physician, clinician or therapist.

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Doubt is thought's despair; despair is personality's doubt. . .;
Doubt and despair . . . belong to completely different spheres; different sides of the soul are set in motion. . .
Despair is an expression of the total personality, doubt only of thought. -
Søren Kierkegaard

doubt 1 a : uncertainty of belief or opinion that often interferes with decision-making b : a deliberate suspension of judgment 2 : a state of affairs giving rise to uncertainty, hesitation, or suspense 3 a : a lack of confidence : DISTRUST b : an inclination not to believe or accept dis·or·der 1 : to disturb the order of 2 : to disturb the regular or normal functions of Definitions from Merriam-Webster Dictionary

"Mary"

I've never known life without OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder). From as far back as I can remember intrusive, unwanted thoughts and fears have plagued me.

The first "episode" of OCD that I can clearly remember was when I was about 5 years old. I became totally obsessed with thoughts about heaven, hell and eternity. I was raised in a church going home where religion and spirituality were very important. I would spend hours trying to figure out "eternity". I felt that if I could somehow "figure" it out, I would be okay.

The concept of not having an end, as is the case with eternity, was far more than my 5 year old mind could handle. I was "scared" of eternity. I prayed to both God and the Devil at the time, asking, no begging them to help me, to help me STOP thinking and worrying about eternity. In time, the "eternity obsession" faded and about the same time an entirely different set of symptoms appeared. I began feeling compelled to do certain physical motions, such as eye blinking and making "clicking" noises with my tongue. Even at the tender age of 5 or 6, I fully KNEW that there was something WRONG with me, that this behavior was not "normal", but I couldn't quite figure it out. I did my very best to hide what I now know to be "tics," holding it all in for as long as I could and then finally releasing it all once I was alone. I usually did this in bed at night, which is also a darn good place to have obsessions. Bed time was not my friend.

I can remember standing back and watching other children, looking to see if they were doing the same kinds of things I felt so compelled to do. They were not. It messed with my self-esteem alot and I pretty much suffered alone as I did not really want to tell anyone about the weird and constant thoughts I had or the repetitive, senseless physical motions I felt "compelled" to do.

By the time I was 7, I very much had a "secret world" going on inside myself, one that I dared not share with anybody. At times, I thought I was crazy, at other times I thought I was just a "bad person" or a "stupid person", anyway I looked at myself, I definitely wasn't who I wanted to be.

Obsessions, fears and panic attacks would plague me off and on during my adolescent and teen years, but it wouldn't be until I was 20 when I had symptoms bad enough to put me on the Psychiatric ward. This would not be my first experience with Psychiatrists, as I spent a part of my teen years seeing one. Unfortunately, at no time was I diagnosed with OCD or Tourettes, those diagnoses would come much later. During my time in the Psych ward, I was given several different medications including tria-vil, elavil, sinequan, ativan, valium, zanax, desaryl and others that I can't even remember. What was my "official" diagnosis at that point? "Schizoid Affective," which looking back now and having the knowledge that I have now, that diagnosis would be a huge laugh if the whole thing weren't so sad!

Although I had always thought of myself as very intelligent, I found myself at the age of 20, sitting across the desk from Social Workers who told my Mother that I would NEVER live a normal life. That the most independence I could ever hope for was to live in a half-way house. Thankfully, I NEVER believed any of that for one second. I was definitely down, but not out. When everyone else wanted to "give up" on me, in no way, shape or form, was I willing to give up on myself. Looking back at my life and the tremendous struggles that I have had, my "fighting spirit" is probably what saved me. I partially attribute that to having Tourette Syndrome, where "tenacity" and "perseverance" are well-recognized tourettic traits.

I would struggle with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder pretty consistently for the next 15 years, with most of my obsessions now revolving around the fear of acquiring HIV and AIDS. Although I had no risk factors for getting AIDS, I became absolutely obsessed with the fear of being "contaminated" by the HIV virus. During a 8 year period, I would have more than 40 HIV tests, all negative of course. But due to the doubting nature of OCD, I would no more than hear a "Negative" result from the clinician, that I would doubt what I actually heard, doubt the accuracy of the test, doubt the honesty of the Doctor and doubt that the test was even performed. I could think of a million scenarios of "why my negative test result could not possibly be accurate."

And so it goes with OCD. It's a never ending circle of doubt and deception. On the very off -chance that I received my "negative" test results on a rather good OCD day for me, I would then walk to my car, perhaps see a bandaid lying on the ground and somehow "convince" myself that I now acquired HIV from that bandaid. A reason for another test!

Like most people with OCD contamination fears, I clearly knew that I was being irrational, but it didn't matter, the OCD had a life of it's own and it would always win. And those of us with OCD contamination fears can come up with the most far-fetched and crazy "beliefs" on how we could become contaminated, most of them totally flying in the face of reality. That's one of the hardest things with OCD is that for the most part, we are completely lucid. We KNOW what we are thinking and doing is crazy, but we can't stop. So not only do we deal with the horrors of the OCD, we struggle greatly with our own sense of self esteem because we cannot control the OCD.

Somehow during all this HIV/AIDS craziness, I was still able to marry, work and have a child. It was not easy, it never was. Medical treatment for me was a nightmare and I did absolutely everything I could to avoid it. Just walking into a physicians office for me, meant a future HIV test. At this time, I was under the care of doctors who were well aware of the problems that I had although it would be some time before I would hear "OCD". My internist kept me on an antidepressant called "Sinequan" and I did receive some small measure of relief from that.

One day, while reading a new book on AIDS (I amassed quite a library on the subject!), I read that there are some people that get tested over and over for HIV because they suffer from what is called - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. The book further stated that HIV testing wasn't their "real" problem, the "real" problem was the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I could NOT believe it! They were talking about me! I felt the sky opened up to me at that moment! It would take a few more years and more research on my part to finally ask my Doctor about trying Prozac, which I had found out about by researching OCD and it seemed promising. Well, I can honestly say, that the from the very first day I took Prozac, I experienced a true miracle in my life.

Like many, if not most people with severe OCD, I have several OCD things that hang around in my life. I do some counting, I do ALOT of checking. I actually had one 5 year rather intricate nightly checking ritual that mysteriously disappeared by 2nd day on Prozac. It was AMAZING! And my contamination fears about HIV lessened and lessened and although not completely leaving me, the nearly incapacitating grip that it held over my life ceased. I was a new person, a fairly "normal" person, something that I never in my whole life thought I'd ever be. I was able to pursue my goals and dreams with wild abandon and I did and still do, just that.

I have an extremely HIGH level of functioning for ANYONE, much less someone with OCD. I am a dedicated athlete, I travel with my sport, I coach children. I have gathered alot of accolade and notoriety with my sport and what I have done in it and with it. I'm well known enough in my town and state, that for now, I choose not to reveal exactly what sport I'm in as I do coach children and at this point in my life, I would do nothing that could in any way jeopardize that. Unfortunately, we still live in a society that does NOT understand mental illness and neurological disorders and those of us with such problems are VERY likely to experience misunderstanding and prejudice.

Some day, I would like to come totally "clean" with my OCD and Tourettes because the vast majority of people that know me will be absolutely stunned. No one would ever guess what a struggle life has been for me. People see me as accomplished and very "together", many probably would not even believe me if I did tell them! But I think my story would be important for others out there who are also struggling with OCD. My story is one of hope and I hope that just by telling this small part of my story, that I can help someone out there with OCD who reads it.

Do I still have OCD? You bet! OCD is as much a part of me and who I am as the tics I have from Tourettes. I still count, I still check, I still wash my hands pretty darn good, but the level of which it interferes with my life is "acceptable" to me. Sure, it would NEVER be acceptable to a "normal" person (and I use that term loosely), but to me, it's a miracle! At least for me and my OCD, the right medication made all the difference in the world and I encourage everyone with OCD to NEVER give up. If you've tried all the medicines, try all the new ones that come out. We are gaining alot of information about OCD and I'm confident that new and even more promising treatments lie ahead.

Most of all, I would like other OCD'ers to know that you are NOT alone and you are definitely NOT crazy. If this is what your being told, ignore it, it is NOT the truth. Love yourself, believe in yourself and NEVER stop trying to tame this wild animal inside us called OCD.

Mary

I am not a doctor, therapist or professional in the treatment of CD. This site reflects my experience and my opinions only, unless otherwise stated. I am not responsible for the content of links I may point to or any content or advertising in HealthyPlace.com other then my own.

Always consult a trained mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment choice or changes in your treatment. Never discontinue treatment or medication without first consulting your physician, clinician or therapist.

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