Let's face it. Reading a relationship book will not mend a broken heart or fix a relationship that needs a major overhaul.

Books don't work! People in the relationship have to do the work.

A relationship book can offer tips, suggestions, old ideas expressed new ways, perhaps even a few new thoughts and if you are reading with an open mind; a mind that is ready to change its way of thinking, you might even find the inspiration to begin to reinvent the relationship you have to make it better.

By the way, smart people do not wait until their relationship is taking a dive before they do something about it. Preventive maintenance works. They read. They attend personal growth seminars together. They learn to talk so their partner will want to listen and they actually begin to LISTEN to what their partner is saying. It is a continuing process; one that should never have an end.

Unless both partners are willing to make some changes about the way they are being in the relationship, generally speaking the relationship will either continue in its "do nothing" rut or one partner will outgrow the other and eventually leave.

How sad to do nothing and allow the relationship to suffocate and die a slow agonizing death; both being miserable all the while and each partner remaining too stubborn to be the first one to take a step in the right direction. That's called stupid! You must both take the first step while you are still afraid.

All the tips and suggestions about relationships in all the relationship books you can read will not change a thing. Words alone cannot change anything. It takes action. Unless you are inspired to do something different; unless you change your way of being in a relationship your relationship will not get better. Simply reading a book won't do it.

Does this mean that there is no hope? The answer is no. The hope lies in being willing to take what you read to heart and then doing the work necessary to make the relationship a healthy one.

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Relationships are something that you must work on all the time, not only when they are broken and need to be fixed. Many times we turn to books at a time of crisis. Often this is too late.

What happens when your partner will not read a book with you? Let me put it this way, it is a far better thing to be working on your relationship alone than to do nothing and allow your partner to pull you down to their level.

"But," you say, "how can the relationship get better if I am the only one working on it?" The overall relationship you have together may or may not improve, however your own attitude about it will. This alone is a positive step in the right direction.

You cannot make someone else do something that they do not want to do and expect good results. Until most people recognize the benefits of working together on the relationship, nothing happens.

Remember this: The most important relationship you have is the relationship you have with yourself. Often when couples are together they forget to continue to take care of themselves thinking and hoping that either their partner will do this for them or that if they work much harder on the relationship everything will be okay. Wrong!

You must take care of yourself. Put yourself first. Your partners responsibility is to do the same. TOGETHER you take care of the relationship. A partner who neglects their own well being is demonstrating disrespect for the relationship.

Your partner cannot possibly know what is best for YOUR well being as well as you, therefore it is YOUR responsibility to take care of you. The same is true for your partner. Two broken people cannot fix each other or the relationship.

Working and reading together is the key. Respecting your partner and the relationship enough to study the psychology of having a healthy love relationship together must be your highest priority.

When you work together as a team, great things begin to happen. Learning to be a support to your partner in the relationship can work miracles. Lending a helping hand; offering to go the extra mile; walking hand-in-hand, together and being your partner's best friend in the process is certainly a much better option than doing nothing.

Let's get back to the business of getting the most from reading a relationship book. . . together.

First of all, head for the local office supply store and buy two colored highlighters. Why two? Because the best way to benefit from reading a relationship book is to read it together.

While YOU are reading it, mark the passages that are important to you with a bright YELLOW highlighter. Then give the book to your love partner requesting that he or she do the same, marking important passages as they read with a light BLUE highlighter.

Why? Because when there are areas in the book that are important to BOTH of you and the highlighters overlay, you will see GREEN. Yellow and blue make green. When you see green this time, it does not mean envy! Green means "Go!" It means these are the areas of the relationship that are important to both of you.

It is always a good idea to begin with areas that you agree upon. Knowing where you stand and what you both hold to be valuable to the relationship is a must. Some couples never stop long enough to consider how important this kind of information can be.

Next. . . take some time to carefully review the passages your partner has marked with their own color; make notes of what is important to him or her. These are the areas of the relationship that need your careful attention. Do your best to focus on what is important to you and to your partner. You need to know what is essential for your partner's happiness and to care enough to do your best to provide it.

The next step is to openly and honestly discuss what you have read TOGETHER! What you cannot talk about keeps you stuck! Make a new agreement to talk about anything and everything all the time. Make it a promise you both keep. It may be one of the most difficult promises to keep, however the benefits are worth it.

Caution ~ Resist the urge to mark the passages you KNOW your love partner NEEDS to read. When the student is ready, the teacher appears! Let the teacher be the book. . . not you. Let your love partner read and get from the book what he or she needs to learn. It rarely helps to push your own stuff on someone else. It often only causes resentment or drives a person further away.

By the way, any reluctance or refusal by your love partner to FULLY participate in WORKING TOGETHER on your relationship, regardless of the way you BOTH choose to do that (counseling, attending relationship & personal development seminars together, implementing this idea of reading and discussing the relationship book together, etc.), is a RED FLAG!!!

next: . . . And If All Else Fails?

• LoveNote. . . The miracle of unconditional love is nurtured by the power of the Divine and our own imagination! Imagine the possibilities! ~ Larry James

A loving relationship with yourself is a prerequisite to having a healthy love relationship with someone else. Assume you have that handled. What's next?

We must remember that this is it! Someday is now! No time to mess around. Life is too short. Live in the present.

Experience the empowering feeling of allowing yourself the freedom to be who you need to be in your next relationship. . . right now. You have already experienced the past. Want more of that? Continue to focus on it and you will not be disappointed.

We must create a future worth living into. The old way of being in a relationship isn't good enough in the '90's. We must invent the kind of relationship we want, then go about devoting our time and energy to making it happen. It will happen when we care enough to give ourselves the very best of everything.

This includes giving yourself time if you are just coming out of a relationship that didn't work. Welcome to living solo! They say, "Time heals all wounds" and you must do the things necessary for the healing of the hurt to occur. Work on you.

Every man needs to love himself unconditionally to be able to pass it on. You know you better than anyone. Ask yourself: "Who would I have to become to be the kind of person I would enjoy being with for the rest of my life?"

Spend some prayerful moments thanking God for the choice to choose the courage to become that person. Then, do what needs to be done.

Okay. So, you have been attracted to a real sweetheart and you are about to embark on 'Destination Unknown,' often called the first date. What to do? Naturally we men want to put our best foot forward. We have a thing about being really cool on the first date. Often we withhold who we really are, afraid that if she knew the truth about us, she would very quickly distance herself from us.

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This is why we must learn to communicate more effectively how we feel to our partner. Women love men who are sensitive to their needs; who demonstrate that they care; who communicate understanding by listening to what she says (and when we are unclear about what she says. . . we ask questions - this shows we are really listening); and most of all, women love men who threat them with respect.

You show up as Mr. Clean; shoes shined, clean shaven, a dash of cologne and looking sharp. Most people are attracted to someone who is well groomed however, there is more to it than that. What do you communicate from your heart? Do you say what you feel needs to be said in a loving way?

Make good eye contact. This shows you are paying attention. It also suggests someone who is self-confident. Men whose eyes drift are, right or wrong, thought to be uncertain of themselves. To a woman, this is a red flag.

Have meaningful conversations about things that count. Watch your words. Remember, you cannot un-ring a bell. Once out there, words can be loving or deadly. Be brave enough to allow yourself to be vulnerable; to reveal those bits and pieces of yourself that communicate the real you. This does not mean boring her with your sordid past. . . only the relevant truth; what's real for you in this relationship.

Part of the problem of dating is what M. Scott Peck, in his book "A Road Less Traveled" calls the 'romantic myth.' We try so hard, early in the relationship to always be at our best, then when we are several months into the relationship, we feel as though we have reached our goal, we slack off and that's when things can begin to slowly fall apart.

You may hear her say, "You were so sensitive and caring when we were first dating. What's happened to that wonderful man that swept me off my feet?" Or she may think it and never say it, leaving you to wonder, "What's wrong?"

Listen carefully. Relationships are a bit of a puzzle for most men anyway. When a man and a woman finally get together, the glaring differences show up.

Dr. John Gray, Ph.D., author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" says we must learn to recognize and understand these differences before we can effectively be ourselves in the relationship.

Only and always do your best. All the time. Not only when in pursuit. Not only when it's broken and needs to be fixed. Every day and every minute. Do what works. If you send thoughtful greeting cards, leave love notes and, for no reason, give her an occasional flower. . . continue that process. Women love romance. It's called. . . 'follow-through.' Keep on doing what works.

God wants what is best for you. You deserve only the best of everything. And it takes care and attention to your own wants and needs first, for you to be able to take on the responsibility of a committed, healthy love relationship.

Be yourself. . . right now! How sad to try to be someone you think someone else thinks you should be. It is not possible. Be the real you all the time.

Demonstrate your own authenticity. When you do, you never have to worry that six months down the road, she is going to be disappointed because she thinks the man she is now with is not the person she fell in love with.

In my "Relationship Enrichment LoveShops," single women often complain that men don't communicate their feelings. Now you know. Do that. Take a clue. Women have a desire to know the real you. Don't withhold yourself. Be who you are and if you don't like who you are, steer clear of a committed relationship for a while until you can learn to love yourself. You cannot deliver from an empty wagon. You must have love for yourself to be able to give the love your partner so richly deserves.

Men must learn to reveal ourselves to others. Let them be sure of who you are. It takes constant attention to detail. Be unto others as you would have them be unto you. Allow no miscommunication that would allow for misunderstandings. There is nothing inherently wrong with putting your best foot forward on the first date and the dates that follow unless you are only being nice for a while to get what you want. That isn't good enough. You must take care to assure her that your best foot forward is connected to the real you.

next: New Beginnings! What to do, What to do?

Welcome to HealthyPlace TV! My name is Josh and I'm the producer for the show.

We intend to bring personal stories of what life is like living with a mental illness. Our goal is to let others facing similar challenges know they are not alone in their feelings and experiences.

Each week, we'll be discussing different aspects of mental health. Our host, Ruth Mendoza, will be talking with people about their experiences, how they're coping and what is and isn't working for them.  Our co-host and HealthyPlace.com Medical Director, Dr. Harry Croft, will be providing insight and his expertise on the subject matter.

In the second half of the show, we open it up to you, our viewers. During this segment, you can ask Dr. Croft your personal questions about anything you wish concerning mental health. And I can assure you, Dr. Croft will give you an easy-to-understand straight answer.

Want to Participate or Be A Guest?

At the first of each month, I'll be posting a list of the topics we'll be discussing. If you are interested in being a guest on the show, drop me an email (producer AT healthyplace.com) and put "I want to be a guest" in the subject line. Tell me which show topic you're interested in plus a bit about yourself and why you think your story would be a compelling one. We interview all our guests remotely, so of course, you must have a webcam.

We also have other ways of participating in the show.

1. Question for our guest: During the interview, Ruth will mention that we are now taking questions for our guest.  All you have to do is type your question on the chat screen.  We will be taking 2-3 questions.  If we don’t select your question, please do not feel that we are ignoring you or that your question isn’t worthy of being asked. The fact of the matter is that we only have a few minutes for questions and we can’t possibly take them all.

2. Question for Dr. Croft: You can email your question to me by Monday at 5 p.m. before the Tuesday show. Please include your real first name. We will also be taking a few questions through the chat screen.

3. Make a Video: I want to personally encourage you to participate in the show. So many people will benefit by what you have to say. Each week, after Ruth finishes interviewing our guest, we will run a 2-3 minute video of viewers talking about their personal experiences with the subject matter we are discussing on the show that week. You can share your message on any aspect of the topic, whether it’s one of struggle or success, by recording a :15-:45 second video and uploading it to your youtube site.  (a couple of technical tips -- please make sure you are well lit and the sound is clear) Again, please drop me an email at - producer AT healthyplace.com - and let me know that you have uploaded a video ( include the link to the video) and the show topic you are addressing.  We need the video by the Sunday before the Tuesday show so we have enough time to edit the clips together.

The HealthyPlace TV Show tagline is: "Real People, Real Stories, Real Hope." Each week, my personal goal is to deliver a show which lives up to that. Whether you participate or you decide to be a viewer only, I hope you’ll join us and benefit from the show.  Feel free to email me anytime with your suggestions, concerns, well wishes or comments.

We’ll see you on Tuesday evenings.

Josh

Before recovery, I thought all my relationships required equal amounts of energy and effort. I tried to be all things to all people in my life. I didn't know that I could focus on creating one or two really great relationships, the most important ones, and that it was OK for other relationships to be just acquaintances, friends, activity-partners, etc. But most of all, I didn't know that I didn't have to become enmeshed into, or even worse, the self-proclaimed answer to, the problems of the people I knew.

I like this quote, written by Dag Hammarskjöld:

"It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual than to labor diligently for the salvation of the masses."

For me, this principle was life changing. I was slowly driving myself crazy attending to all the issues of all the people that surrounded me. I thought I had to fix their problems. I thought if I didn't fix them, no one else would. I thought this was showing love, care, and concern. And when they didn't take my advice, I was offended and resentful for having wasted valuable emotional energy.

After alienating just about everybody from my life, I finally woke up and began looking at myself. I decided to fix my own problems, resolve my own issues, live my own life, and let others be. If they asked for my advice (and seldom does this happen—then or now), then I'd give it—but if not, I'd keep my own counsel, keep my mouth shut, and just listen.

What a relief to free myself from the burden of being the world's savior! That job description has already been filled—by Someone eminently more qualified than I am.

I now have more energy to devote to the truly special relationships in my life. I also have more time to focus on the quality of those relationships and more time to invest in discovering ways of enhancing and developing them. I'm careful, too, about who receives my time and attention. I'm not afraid to say, "no" if I can't accommodate the needs or demands of a specific relationship (e.g., someone recently asked me to be their CoDA sponsor and I declined).

I do want all of my relationships to be healthy; but it's OK to concentrate my best efforts and my best energy on the people who are most important to me.

Thank You God, for showing me how to focus my emotional energy into creating a few truly fantastic relationships.

next: Letting Go of Old Beliefs

Chapter 4:

Actually, this chapter can be regarded as a condensed preliminary introduction or a summary - to be read as a unit by itself. Therefore, the order of the items included in it is not alphabetical. After the first reading, or without it, it will serve you as a short dictionary.

The concepts

1. Basic Emotional structures
2. Activation Program
3. Basic Emotion
4. Ad Hoc Operation Programs
5. Input or Feed
6. Feedback
7. Felt Sensation
8. Supra-Program
9. Emotional Supra-Program
10. Trashy Supra-Program
11. Socialization
12. Biofeedback
13. Natural Biofeedback
14. Sensate Focusing
15. Cognitive Processes
16. Subliminal Perception
17. Cover-Program

• 1.- Basic Emotional Structures are approximately 15-20 neuro-biological structures of the brain. Their main components are located in various parts of the "Limbic System", which is an archaic part of the brain. Each of these structures is a relatively independent part of the emotional system and is in a reciprocal relationship with nearly all the other systems and subsystems of the brain and body.
  >Each of the basic emotional structures is in charge of the continuous appraisal of the condition of the individual, with regard to a specific aspect of his existence as a human being and as a living creature. The ongoing appraisals are done for actual, potential and hypothetical circumstances and activities - directly and indirectly related to the individual. The appraisal of each is like a point moving along a continuum located between two opposing poles, the content of which is specific to it. For example, those of the structure in charge of assessing the amount of present and future dangers, are made along the "Fear-Serenity" continuum which is better known as the Basic Emotion(3) of "fear". These appraisals are conveyed to the other subsystems and culminate as specific behaviors, as internal and external communications, as various physiological and cognitive processes, and as subjective experiences. More on what are the emotions

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• 2.- Activation Program or Activation Plan or Scheme: is a pattern for the activation of processes in the mind and body, stored in the memory. Usually it does not operate by itself but by means of a temporary ad hoc operation program(4) constructed for the specific occasion from various programs already stored in the memory. More on the activation programs
• 3.- Basic Emotion: is the most common name for the combination of the individual brain structure of a basic emotion and the activation program(s) of this structure. Each of the basic emotions includes a program or a subprogram for the perceptual component; for the integrational one; for the intra-body activation one; for the behavioral one; and for the expressive one. Each of the basic emotions includes also a program for the component which is responsible for the subjective experience of the activity of that basic emotion. At the beginning of the life of an individual, these structures are activated and operated by innate "Activation Programs"(2). Later in life, these structures are operated by dynamic combinations of the innate activation programs and a plethora of acquired ones - mainly built in the early years of life (to be called, in the following chapters "Supra-Programs"(8).
• 4.- Ad Hoc Operation Program is a temporary structure of (or in) the memory, which was built in order to execute one of the many functions and processes of the mind, body and behavior. It is based on activation programs, previous experience and other materials already stored in the memory. Taking into consideration the specific circumstances of the moment, it is built anew for each occasion, by the ad hoc operating programs active at that time.
  Each ad hoc program includes within it more or less clear and detailed expectations about the relevant future - the course of the executed program and results - and a subprogram for concurrently checking (while it is being executed) the congruity between what is expected and what is actually happening.
  When needed, this component supervises the introduction of changes into the executed program and in all the relevant activation programs. This part of the ad hoc program is the main agent of improvisation, learning and change. More on the ad hoc activation programs
• 5.- Input or Feed is the process of transferring energy, matter or information, or all of them, from one source or various sources, continuously, on schedule, sporadically or vicariously, to any destination that is capable of absorbing it.

• 6.- Feedback is a type of transfer of input (mostly to be used as information) from one part of a system (the feeding one) into a process which goes on in another part of the system (the one which is fed) caused by previous or concurrent input from the part which now gets that input in return. In daily life, this concept is frequently used to label the information regarding the influence of previous activity, behavior and speech - of the target of the feedback, on its source.
• 7.- Felt Sensation or "felt sense" for short is the name of those sensations of the body of which we become aware. All of them are related to mental processes. Frequently, when attended to, they are organized and felt as a meaningful whole. These sensations derive from five main sources:
  a) All the time - the ongoing activities of the subjective experience components of the basic emotions.
  b) During low levels of activity - natural biofeedback resulting from the influence of the other components of the basic emotions on the various receptors of the sensorium of the body.
  c) While in actual activities - processes involved with locomotion and other purposeful behavior: actual one, tendencies and preparation for future ones are the main suppliers.
  d) When things are as usual - the somewhat less prominent suppliers are those of the biological equilibrium maintenance systems, and of other routine internal information about the state of the organism, supplied by the sensorium.
  e) Most of the time - the ordinary and the extraordinary stimulations of the body by animate and inanimate agents. Included here are, among others, the pains and other sensations inflicted on us by accidents, by bad habits and by malicious acts or negligence on the part of others.
• 8.- Supra-Programs or Supra-Plans are complex brain activation programs which were built during the course of the life of the owner. They are based mainly on innate programs, on supra-programs that were built previously (of innate ones), and on the accumulated memories of the activations of programs in the past.The building of a new supra-program involves various kinds of trial- and-error - actual and imaginary. It is usually based on previous drafts and versions of that supra-program, and relevant ad hoc operation programs which were built in the past. Besides the other components from which a supra-program is built - every supra-program also contains emotional components. More on Supra-Programs

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• 9.- Emotional Supra-Program is a supra-program in which the weight of the emotional components is prominent. Often the activation of the emotional components of the emotional supra-program causes an explicit subjective emotional experience or at least a feeling, mood or some sort of a felt sense, which one can attend to.
  For the ordinary adult in our culture the emotions become over the years, more a result than a reason for activity. This process is responsible for the progressively diminishing part taken in our life of the supra-programs in which the weight of the emotional components is very prominent.
  For example, for a grownup man with a broad education, figuring the multiple of seven times four usually does not involve supra-programs highly loaded with emotional components. However, if the seven represents the number of payments he has to make; and the four is the amount of thousands of dollars in each payment; and zero is the sum of his assets and credit - it is most probable that the above computation will involve supra-programs that are heavily loaded with emotional contents. More on the emotional Supra-Programs
• 10.- Trashy Supra-Programor in short - Trash-Program is one of the many important but malfunctioning supra-programs which were constructed during a person's life time. Though their functioning might have been reasonable at the time, it is no longer so. The existence of such programs (plans) is possible mainly because a regular regime of mending and updating of activation programs is not customary in our culture.
  This is so, since even the most important instances of felt sense related to the ongoing activation programs which are the most crucial feedback about the parts of programs that need repair, are seldom attended to. This is mainly because the members of our modern culture are advised not to devote "too much" attention and other mental resources to their emotional processes
  The habit of ignoring sensations of the body, originating from physical, emotional and other mental sources of felt sensations, is itself the result of a Trashy Supra-Program. It was built into each members of our culture, during the long processes of education and socialization(11).
  These activation programs are called "Trashy" because their daily activation, without the proper updating so much needed, causes life to have the kind of low quality that is called colloquially "In The Trash" or "life in the garbage pail". More on the trash-programs
• 11.- Socialization is a general name for the process of bringing up the newborn till they are mature members of society. Most of the efforts of those engaged in this task are devoted to the creation of the supra-programs of the young (though they seldom know it, and think that they are teaching and educating them). The roots of the main trash-programs of a person can be traced back to these processes.

• 12.- Bio-Feedback is the shortened name for the feedback people receive from their biological systems - originally given to the information individuals received from instruments, while they are measuring ongoing biological processes of their body. It is usually connected with the word "training" to create the concept "biofeedback training". This kind of training is supposed to enable people to control measurable biological processes of their body, in spite of the fact that they are usually unaware of them and the way they succeed in doing it. (We can become aware of only part of those when they reach extreme levels.)
• 13.- Natural biofeedback is a longer form of the term "biofeedback". It will be used instead of the shorter one, in order to stress the difference between the two main kinds of feedback: the instrumental bio-feedback described above and the natural biological feedback. In contrast to the former, in which the feedback is supplied by instruments, in the latter, both the information and the means of its communication are biological.
  For instance, a tense muscle can supply us with an indirect instrumental feedback about its tenseness when we attach to it the electrodes of a Myo graph. We - and our central nervous system - also receive from the same muscle a natural and more direct biological feedback which comes from the tension-sensitive receptors of the muscle via nerves.
  It seems that the internal processes initiated by natural or instrumental biofeedback - are the only processes that can update the Trashy Supra- Programs. We can enhance or weaken the influence of the natural biofeedback on the various activation programs of the mind at will and in a relatively wide range.
  When we want to weaken its influence, we only have to divert our attention from its source or mask it by a supply of competitive inputs to awareness. When we want to enhance it, we usually have only to increase the amount of concentrated attention paid to it or curb the influence of its competitors.
  The General Sensate Focus technique and Gendlin's Focusing are essentially systematic procedures, aimed at the enhancement of the influence of the natural biofeedback, on the processes responsible for the mending and updating of the various activation programs. (Though Gendlin does not use this kind of conceptualization.)

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• 14.- Sensate-Focus(ing) or Focusing: The act of concentrating attention on a sensation at a point of the body, or to that of a region (small or large) or to the totality of the sensations felt at the particular moment. It can be done relatively spontaneously and it can also be done deliberately... and even as part of a schedule.
  It can be done for a very short time (for a second or two) and it can also be done for longer periods that sometimes continue for many minutes or even for a whole hour. Masters and Johnson, the famous sexologists, have used this concept and activity in their work and writings since the early sixties. They developed a most practical and directive program for overcoming problems of the sexual functioning of couples.
  The key concept to their program and the main remedy for this problem is the sensate focusing. The participants of their program are trained through progressive steps, to focus during fore-play and intercourse on sensations of the body that are related to the erotic zones. This technique helps the trainees to acquire the habits needed for mutually satisfied sexual relations. Thus the remedy for their specific problems is achieved. More on how it really works
• 15.- Cognitive processes is a technical term for the different kinds of processing information done in the brain while it deals with the new input and with the older ones that are stored in the memory. It is mainly used to define higher level processes the products or results of which are accessible to the awareness and logic or potentially so.
  It was usually attached to the objective non emotional perceptions and verbal conceptualization or thinking. These are named now "the cold cognitive processes" in order to differentiate them from the more emotionally loaded ones - "the warm cognitive processes".
• 16.- Subliminal - perception or sensation - is the term used to define the input of a process to the subsystem of the awareness when it does not engage our consciousness. This can happen when the input is too weak to begin with, when psychological "defenses" and other filtering processes - the "Cover-Programs"(17) - weaken it and when we consciously choose to attend to something else.
  Though we are unaware of them when in this condition, they may still have a profound effect on all the ongoing processes of the mind - mainly on those that are outside of the awareness. Even when they are subliminal, we can influence them consciously in a systematic way. For instance, when a sensation becomes too weak to discern, we can still continue to concentrate our attention on its source of origin in the body, and thus continue to enhance its effects on the other ongoing processes.
• 17.- Cover-Program is a kind of a Supra-Program(8) that serves to prevent or to weaken the activity of other supra-programs and to prevent or restrict their intruding into the awareness. Sometimes the covering affect is applied only (or mainly) to some of the components of the emotional supra-program - mostly to those that are available to the awareness.
  The most prominent cover-programs are usually called "defenses". These defenses - as the name implies - are supposed to be a system of mental processes which protect us from becoming aware of forbidden material or unwanted and damaging emotional experiences.
  The cover-programs take part in regulating the allocation of the limited amount of brain resources and the limited capacity of awareness to the various tasks at hand. They are valuable and faulty in all the ways the other supra-programs are.
  The main problems the cover-programs cause us - during focusing and during the spontaneous attending to the natural biofeedback - are the restricting, diminishing and weakening of the appropriate felt sensations(7) needing focusing. As a result, the updating and mending of the "covered" programs is limited. More on the cover-programs

next: Do It for Yourself Now!

The General Sensate Focusing Technique (To be called sometimes in the following chapters by the short form of "Sensate Focusing" or simply "Focusing") is first and foremost an easy and systematic way to influence one's emotional climate and to deal with each sensation which comes to one's attention. By investing a small part of your mental resources in focusing on the plethora of sensations occurring in daily life, with the added consideration of topics worth focusing on - you will be able to achieve nearly everything.

Using this technique, you will be able to influence the course of your whole life, and each detail in it as well. With this technique you can relieve tensions, pains and any other unpleasant sensations and feelings; put end to psychosomatic disturbances; and even resolve indecisiveness. The technique can also be used at will to change single habits or even the personality.

Sensate Focusing is not a new kind of meditation. It is not a relaxation of the mind resulting in its freedom from thoughts and feelings. Although focusing is not an emotional storm and does not need physical effort, it is not a peaceful rest. Focusing is really a kind of struggle: a fight for freedom - done everywhere and every time you choose to dedicate part of your resources to it. It is still a fight even when done in an armchair and when the felt sensations focused on are only mild or even pleasant ones. Focusing is the struggle which will free you from the invisible emotional shackles you still endure.

Focusing is not an artificial activity or a fast trick to be used by professionals who treat you. It is neither a cult nor any other ceremonial activity. Focusing is just a natural activity you do many times a day - alas it is done by you half consciously, for too short periods and in a very inefficient way.

The development of the ability to take the various steps of "Sensate Focusing" in your daily life, and getting into the habit of paying more attention to the various sensations of the body, are like other measures taken to keep the body in shape - with the investment of a small amount of resources and effort you will achieve a huge improvement in life quality and prevent many troubles.

next: Prologue

One important recovery principle I have re-discovered recently is how to have fun in life.

I actually had to give myself permission to start having responsible fun, rather than being constantly on guard or worrying about what is going to happen next in my life. Or even worse, letting what someone else might think keep me from doing something fun and beneficial for myself.

For example, some friends recently asked me to join them for an evening of live music and dancing at a weekly beach party hosted by a local hotel. My first thought was to say, "No, I'm not much of a dancer." But the alternative was to sit at home on a Sunday night, moping about my divorce or wondering when my life would be normal again. Well, here was an opportunity to do something different and fun. "I'll come out with you," I answered. "But I probably won't dance much."

Wrong. I danced my buns off and had fun doing it. So what if I was sore for the next three days. Who cares? And besides, I lost two pounds over the three and a half hours we danced. The sunset was beautiful; I was in the company of people whom I enjoy being around; and the band was great.

I'm not recommending the party life for those struggling with addictive behavior. I'm recommending having some fun in life. Find something healthy you enjoy doing and do it just for you. Treat yourself. It doesn't have to cost a penny, either. Do it just for the sheer pleasure it brings you.

I'm learning it's OK for me to have fun. It's OK to laugh. It's OK to be with friends and have a good time together. It's OK to lighten up and wear a smile.

Recovery is about giving up taking life so seriously. Recovery is about learning to live. And laugh. And love. And having fun in the process.

next: Remaining Neutral

Mother writes to daughter about the importance of patience and understanding what your child is really saying.

Dear Kristen,

Having patience is seldom easy in this hurry-up and yet do-it-right-the-first-time world. When I expect too much, too fast, or too right - I give you the message that you're wrong. You aren't fast enough, smart enough, responsible enough, or good enough. Unfortunately, I give you this message in one way or another almost every day. In spite of my good intentions, all too often I find myself scolding, lecturing, yelling, and berating you.

I want you to do what I think you should do, how I want it to be done, and when I believe you should do it. You generally try to oblige, but sometimes you want to do what you think you should do, how you feel it should be done, and when you want to do it. When our expectations clash, you think I'm unfair, unreasonable, and unrealistic while I see you as stubborn, difficult, lazy, a brat!

Recently you brought home a contract outlining what the teacher, student, and parent agree to do in order for each child to succeed at school. We went over it together, discussing what the teacher was agreeing to do, what I agreed to do, and what was expected of you. The first two sections went smoothly. You said you understood what was expected of the teacher and of the parents. I agreed to adhere to the list of actions required of myself as a parent and signed the form. We then began reviewing the list of actions required of you. You agreed to follow the rules, be kind to your fellow students, and to be respectful of your teacher. But you refused to agree to do your best always. "Kristen," I explained, "If you don't agree to do your best, then you can't sign the form because you're not agreeing to follow the terms of the contract."

"Well, I guess I can't sign the contract mom," you concluded. I proceeded to lecture about why it was important for you to do your best. "But I'm not gonna promise to always do my best!" you insisted. We continued to discuss the issue. I reasoned, I coaxed, I lectured, and I scolded. I became frustrated, then irritated. I was very close to being really angry. You wouldn't budge.

Then the phone rang. I took a few minutes to think, while you chatted with your friend. "Why is she so stubborn, so difficult, so hard?" I wondered (complained) to myself. Then, I asked myself another question, "Do I always do my best?" The answer was an immediate "No." I do my best most of the time, but sometimes I'm in too much of a hurry, not feeling well, too tired, or it's just not that important to me. All of the sudden, I'm able to understand, I think, what you're trying to tell me. I stop seeing you as defiant and rebellious. Maybe you're holding fast and firm because you feel you're right - in spite of my best efforts to make you wrong. This isn't a contest of wills and I don't have to win by making you lose.

When you hang up the phone, I'm ready to listen to you. You share with me that you're willing to do your best most of the time, but that sometimes you won't feel like it. You assure me that you'll always try to do a good job, but that you can't promise that for the rest of the year, every single thing you do will be your very best. I'm not irritated anymore. I finally realize that you're being smarter than I am again. What I was labeling as stubborn, was in fact, honesty. You signed the form only after deciding to inform your teacher that you would agree to everything except for always doing your best. You would promise to do your best most, but not all of the time.

Had the phone not rang, I strongly suspect that I would have lost patience. I would have continued to judge you unfairly, brow beat and criticize you. While I wouldn't have specifically said it, my message to you would have been, "Why do you have to be so stubborn!! You're supposed to do your best always, what's wrong with you? When I was a kid, I would have signed the damned paper!!!" I probably would have shamed you into acquiescing. You would have eventually signed your name, given in, and given up your integrity.

When I was a kid, I would have signed the contract with no questions asked. Would I have always done my best? No way. I'd learned early on though that it's better to be dishonest and keep out of trouble, then to tell the truth and face the wrath of those in authority.

It's so difficult sometimes to be calm and collected, please trust honey that I'm doing my best to be patient most of the time.

Love Mom

next:Can the Information Highway Lead to a Better World (and a Better You?)

College therapists say they're seeing more kids asking for help. But they worry most about the ones they can't reach

Rhonda Venable's first appointment last Monday was with a severely depressed sophomore who's worried he's too promiscuous. After the session, Venable, associate director of Vanderbilt University's counseling center, met with a bipolar teenager, assessed an anxious student for signs of schizophrenia and arranged emergency hospitalization for an upperclassman threatening suicide. "It was very much an ordinary day," says Venable.

LONG GONE ARE the sleepy college counseling centers of decades past where therapists administered career-aptitude tests and offered tip sheets for handling roommate conflicts. Today, acknowledging their role on the front lines of the teen depression crisis, counselors and psychologists at the nation's colleges and universities are doing more to try to help the rising numbers of students they see with clinical depression and other acute mental illnesses. According to a national survey conducted last year, 85 percent of college counseling centers are reporting an increase in the number of students they see with "severe psychological problems," up from 56 percent in 1988. Nearly 90 percent of centers hospitalized a student in 2001, and 80 of the 274 responding schools said they had at least one student suicide last year.

The influx of cases is forcing counselors to change the way they run their centers. Many schools are adopting a triage system where new patients are seen right away to determine who can wait for an appointment and who needs immediate care. They are also hiring more therapists and expanding mental-health facilities. Changes at Vanderbilt are typical: the counseling staff—along with the number of consultation rooms—has more than doubled over the past decade. The highly publicized suicide of Elizabeth Shin at MIT in 2000 and an ensuing lawsuit brought against the school by her parents have caused school officials around the country to re-examine their policies about when parents will be notified of their child's mental health. "We try to maintain as much confidentiality as possible," says Dr. Morton Silverman, director of the University of Chicago's counseling center, "but we do see the importance of involving parents under certain circumstances." For the first time this year, the University of Chicago sent a letter to the parents of all incoming first-years describing when the school can and cannot share information without student consent.

Thanks to new antidepressant medications with fewer debilitating side effects, kids with serious illnesses can go away to school. But these students require hours of therapy and, often, after hours care. "We work closely with the residential-life staff because there will be occasions where someone will actually have to get students up and out of bed," says Venable, who is on call 24 hours a day.

The real challenge, though, is identifying the depressed kids who may not ask for help. At Ball State University in Indiana, counselors set up "stress-free zones" equipped with massage chairs and stress-relieving toys to attract students who might be uncomfortable visiting a therapist's office. At Eastern Illinois University, the counseling center sponsors an event during finals week called "kissing and petting," where students can spend time with animals on loan from a local shelter and indulge in free Hershey's Kisses. David Onestak, who runs the EIU center, says he'll do anything to get depressed kids to walk through his door. Here's hoping that "anything" will be enough.

This article appeared in the Oct. 7, 2002 issue of Newsweek

About Eating Disorders

Eating disorders both are and are not what they sound like. On the one hand, eating disorders are a group of symptoms with one of the primary problems being an unhealthy relationship with food. On the other hand, the symptoms of an eating disorder are methods used to cope or manage other problems in an individual's life, problems that are unique to each person.

Below we describe the features of eating disorders to give you some ways to tell if you or someone you know has an unhealthy relationship with food. Seeing if you have these problems is the first step. Treatment involves both learning how to manage the symptoms themselves, figuring out how the symptoms help the individual to cope, and learning alternative ways to cope that are more effective.

People are told "You have an eating disorder" when they have several of these features. However, the more we learn about these disorders, the more we realize that meeting all the "criteria" is not what is important. People who only have some of these features are often experiencing as much unhappiness and distress as someone who has all of them. Ask yourself if any of these features bother you or interfere with your life (happiness, job, school, relationships,) or interferes with the life of the person with whom you are concerned.

FEATURE 1: The individual has an unhealthy relationship with food. Food is supposed to nourish our bodies. We need food to live. When eating becomes a source of guilt, shame, or fear then this relationship has become unhealthy. Eating should be one of many activities in an individual's life. When an individual is preoccupied with food, this relationship is unhealthy.

An unhealthy relationship with food takes many forms:

• Having rigid rules about food
  For example, people may create rules about:
  • foods that are allowed versus foods that are forbidden
  • the time of day that it is permissible to eat
  • the amount of food that they are "allowed" to eat
• Feeling guilty about eating
• Engaging in eating binges
  • Binges are characterized by feeling loss of control over eating
  • The eating often occurs at a pace that is faster than usual
  • The eating episodes are usually followed by feelings of guilt and shame

FEATURE 2: The individual has an unhealthy relationship with his or her body. This may take one or all of the following forms:

• Valuing body weight and/or appearance as the most important aspect of their self-worth
• Having difficulty interpreting the body's internal signals (of hunger, of satiety, of emotions, etc.)
• Having a distorted view of their bodies
• Feeling very dissatisfied and/or unhappy with their physical appearance
• Feel preoccupied with their physical appearance to the degree that it interferes with other important aspects of their life (job, school, relationships)

FEATURE 3: The individual engages in unhealthy weight regulation practices. Rather than viewing food and eating as nourishment and self-care, people with eating disorders are often not comfortable with the act of eating and may engage in unhealthy behaviors in an effort to reduce this guilt. These behaviors may include:

• Excessive exercise
• Abuse of laxatives or diuretics
• Self-induced vomiting
• Abuse of diet pills

next: Advice on Helping Someone With An Eating Disorder
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