Different relationships with different people can all have a diverse effect over their contribution to the onset of an Eating Disorder. It is important to point out that this section is about possible environmental factors in the development of a type of Eating Disorder and is not about blame. Below are just some suggestions on the topic organized into the following categories:

PARENTS | SIBLINGS | PEERS | LOVE | WORK

...with Parents

• Children seek acceptance from their parents. They often need validation that they are doing good in their parent's eyes. If there is a lack of praise the child may feel disapproved of, thus contributing to a low self-esteem.
• In some families where one parent is the stronger force of discipline, the parent taking on this role may tend to see disobedience as a direct defiance, and may often lose their patience more quickly than the other. Because of this, children sometimes get the sense very young that nothing they do is ever good enough, in that parent's eyes. This can lead to perfectionistic behavior and unhappiness with everything they do.
• Obsession with weight and body image by one or both parents will lead to the same in their children. Compulsive Overeating, Anorexia Nervosa, or Bulimia Nervosa by one or both parents increases a childs risk for developing an Eating Disorder.
• If either parent has a negative means of coping with life (Eating Disorder, Alcoholism, Drug Addiction) the child will be at an increased risk of developing a negative coping mechanism, including an Eating Disorder.
• Parents who are workaholics and who have a problem meeting obligations to their children (ie., appointments with teachers, awards ceremonies, sports events etc.) often make them feel less important and unapproved of. Children in these situations may feel as though no one is there for them and may turn to other means of coping with problems.
• If there is abuse (physical, emotional or sexual) by either or both parents the child will learn to blame themselves, to think that everything is their fault, that they never do anything right, and that they deserve to hate-themselves (low self-esteem). They may also feel "disgusting" and "dirty", may want to push other's away and may feel a desire to be "invisible".
• Divorce within the family, particularly during a child's teen years (when they are already seeking acceptance from their peers and face hormone and body changes) can make the child seek attention and acceptance from one or both parents. It can create stress and feelings of sadness and loneliness.
• Lack of communication with parents, or lack of validation from parents will make a child feels as though their feelings don't matter, that what they do and feel is meaningless, and that they are not loved or accepted.
• Children in environments where there are told to control their emotions (ie., don't cry, don't yell, don't get mad at me) or who are punished for expressing emotion (ie., I'll give you something to cry about) will grow up believing they must stuff their emotions inside. This leads to looking for other ways to coping with sadness, anger, depression and loneliness.
• Parents who are perfectionists and/or who are particularly hard on themselves will set an example for their children to do the same. In addition, if they set unusually high expectations on themselves or their children to achieve certain levels of success, it can lead to a child being overly hard on themselves and feeling of "I'm never good enough."
• If either parent suffers from an existing psychological condition (whether diagnosed or not) such as depression, obsessive compulsive disorder or anxiety, recent studies indicate that their child may be born with a pre-disposition to the same. This pre-disposition would increase their chances of developing a need to cope with the emotional attributes of the illness later on, thus possibly developing an Eating Disorder. Also read Associations and Addictions.
• Long-term and/or severe illness in either parent can create a disrupted environment to the child. In a lot of cases it may increase the child's level of responsibility in the family. It can make them feel out of control, depressed and lonely (like they've been forgotten or their needs are unimportant). There may also be a subconscious desire to be sick themselves in order to emulate the ill parent, or in order to seek other's acceptance and attention.
• Abandonment by a parent can lead a child to question their identity, if they deserve to be loved, if they are good enough, and why the estranged parent left. It can cater to a low sense of self-worth.
• The death of a parent creates an extreme trauma in a child's life. They may feel angry, powerless and depressed. They may find a way to blame themselves. They may sense a need to find something in their life to give them a sense of control. A child who loses a parent is more apt to develop depression, alcoholism, drug addiction or an Eating Disorder.
• If a parent commits suicide it increases the likelihood that they will develop of severe form of depression and a need to cope with it (alcoholism, drug addiction, eating disorder). There is also a higher risk of the child committing suicide.
• A little girl, particularly an only-child or from a family of girls, may sometimes feel as though her father wanted a boy. This can create an emotional conflict for her once she reaches puberty, at the onslaught of her developing body. An Eating Disorder can be her rebellious attempt to control her expanding hips and growing breasts.
• Little girls tend to want to be the type of women their fathers would like or marry. Fathers who make comments about body-size and weight about other women, their wives and their daughters can make the child feel as though the size of her body dictates how much he will love her. It can create an obsession with her weight and a battle to seek her father's love and approval.
• Being that women tend to have a higher percentage of body-image issues than men, mothers tend to influence their daughter's beliefs about being comfortable with their own bodies. A girl with a mother who has disordered eating patterns, who continuously diets or is obsessed with appearance, and who may constantly berate herself and/or her daughter about weight, will have a much higher chance of developing an Eating Disorder later on.
• Girls may be influenced by mothers who seek to raise them as "good wives to a husband". Be proper, don't gain weight, keep up with your looks, never be caught dead without make-up all contribute to the belief that they only deserve love if they look their best. Mother may also lay a great deal of importance in cooking for a husband, while at the same time sending messages to not gain weight and/or don't eat too much. These can all contribute to the thought that food and/or weight equals love.

...with Siblings

• A twin who is affected by feeling a need to create an identity of their own, may develop an Eating Disorder as a rebellious attempt to control how they look. In addition, if one twin has an Eating Disorder it increases the changes of the other developing one (based on mutual genetics, environment, and the influence twins have on each other.)
• Siblings pick on each other. Continuous harassment involving weight and body image issues by a brother or sister may contribute to a child's development of an Eating Disorder.
• Abuse (emotional, physical or sexual) by siblings can lead the child to blame themselves, to think that everything is their fault, that they never do anything right, and that they deserve to hate-themselves (low self-esteem). They may also feel "disgusting" and "dirty", may want to push other's away and may feel a desire to be "invisible".
• If a child feels they are "left out" amongst their siblings, or comparatively to their siblings with their parents, the will feel low self-worth and a need for acceptance.
• Long-term and/or severe illness in a sibling can create a disrupted environment to the child. In a lot of cases it may increase the child's level of responsibility in the family. It can make them feel out of control, depressed and lonely (like they've been forgotten or their needs are unimportant). There may also be a subconscious desire to be sick themselves in order to get equal attention or acceptance from parents and other family members.
• The death of a sibling creates an extreme trauma in a child's life. They may feel angry, powerless and depressed. They may find a way to blame themselves. They may sense a need to find something in their life to give them a sense of control. They may feel the loss of their parents as their parents attempt to deal with the loss themselves. A child who loses a brother or sister is more apt to develop depression, alcoholism, drug addiction or an Eating Disorder.

...with Peers

• A child who is above average intelligence, who expresses tremendous individuality or who has a unique gift or talent may have feelings of unacceptance from peers. They may have a strong need or desire for acceptance and to fit it. There may be increased pressures placed on the child to achieve.
• A child with weight problems who is continuously picked on may develop a lack of self-worth and a desire for love and acceptance. This can lead to depression and further withdrawal, and/or obsessive weight concerns and body-image issues.
• A child who is continuously picked on for any one particular flaw (ie., small mole or scar on their face) may develop a lack of self-worth and a desire to be loved and accepted. This can lead to depression and withdrawal, and/or they may seek acceptance by attempting to control their weight.
• Children who are shy or have a problem making friends will have a sense of lonliness. They will want to be accepted by their peers and may suffer from depression for not feeling as though they are. They may look for ways to fill a void within themselves through food. They may look for ways to seek acceptance through weight loss.
• There are additional pressures to fit in during puberty an adolescence. As well, some girls will develop sooner than others and may face ridicule because of it, making them hate and want to hide the development of the bodies. Harassment by boys at this age can cater to feeling uncomfortable and having feelings of shame.
• Kids participating in sports and athletic activities (such as dance or cheerleading) may feel additional pressure from their coaches and peers to achieve certain body types. This can be common in ballet, gymnastics, cheerleading, figure skating, swimming and wrestling. It is not uncommon to find peers introducing and sharing unhealthy diets and disordered eating patterns.
• Groups of kids who seem to start a "diet" together may be at risk. Often times they share purging tips and ways to restrict, comparing with each other how much they didn't eat. Because they seek acceptance amongst each other and because of the unhealthy nature of diets to begin with, this obviously is behavior that can lead to the start of an Eating Disorder.

...in Love Relationships

• During the teen years it's common for kids to seek acceptance from each other. They are trying to become comfortable with their bodies and the changes they are going through. Within the dating environment it's not uncommon for teens to want to please each other with the way they look. It's common to hear girls talking about losing weight and staying thin.
• Harassment between girls and boys/women and men about weight can lead to a low self-esteem and an obsession with body-image and weight.
• A cheating partner can make the other feel inadequate, ugly and foolish. It can lead to depression. This can easily translate into an obsession with weight and body-image.
• Emotional and physical abuse within a relationship can cut it's victim down, making them feel small and to-blame. It can lead the victim to try desperately to get acceptance and approval from their abuser. They often blame themselves.
• Divorce in a marriage leaves its participants back in an awkward dating scene again. Not only can the divorce itself leave a person feeling unloved and unacceptable, there may be an obsession with body-image and weight over the prospect of finding another mate. People who find themselves divorced may also feel lonely and like there is a void inside which can lead to overeating.
• A woman who is date-raped may feel a need to blame herself. She may look at herself as weak and stupid. She may feel used, dirty and ashamed. This can lead to depression, anger, withdrawal and problems with self-worth, which can all lead to disordered eating.
• Alcoholism within a relationship can lead to feelings of powerlessness and unhappiness. It can lead to thoughts such as "why don't I make him/her happy" and "why can't I help him/her stop." There is a sense of loss of control.
• After childbirth a woman may feel at a loss over the weight she has gained during pregnancy. Her husband or boyfriend may continuously mention her weight or pick on her for it. In addition there are stresses on her to perform as a mother. She may feel her life is out of her hands and with increased focus on the baby, like she doesn't matter.

...in the Workplace

• Increased pressures to be successful in the workplace and fit the ideal "woman professional" may lend themselves to feelings of stress to lose weight or get in shape.
• Pressures placed on people by society to fit the ideal professional may lend themselves to body-image problems and weight loss issues. There may be size-discrimination at a job that makes prospects for promotion seem dim without weight loss. This can lead to problems with body-image.
• Comments, gossip and whispering about a persons weight will make them feel worthless and seeking acceptance. This can make the person feel depressed and alone, and can lead to body-image and weight issues.
• Bosses telling employees to watch their weight or loss weight in order to keep their job, or to get a promotion can lead to feelings of inadequacy and powerlessness (this is also size-discrimination).
• Sexual harassment on the job will lead its victims to self-worthless feelings, confusion, feelings of inadequacy, and powerlessness. Victims often blame themselves.

next: Figuring Out Food Labels
~ eating disorders library
~ all articles on eating disorders

Reports indicate that athletes are six times more likely to develop eating disorders than are other women. How coaches contribute to the problem; Low calorie intake; Strenuous exercise; Too little energy; Goal for a model program of workshops to teach coaches how to spot and improve poor eating habits.

Performance Pressures

Different types of eating disorders spread through the culture because of social pressure from many sources. But for young women who play sports, the chief agent in transmitting the disease may very well be their boss--the coach. Athletes are six times more likely to develop eating disorders than are other women, reports Virginia Overdorf, Ed.D., a professor of movement science at William Paterson College in Wayne, New Jersey. She believes that coaches unwittingly contribute to the problem by extolling the virtues of weight loss to improve performance.

Athletes commonly consume as few as 600 calories a day--but spend far more on strenuous exercise. This not only leaves them with too little energy to perform well, it endangers their bodies.

Ovendorf plans to give coaches in four school systems self-rating surveys and quizzes to find out how much they know about eating disorders. Or rather, how much they don't know. The goal: a model program of workshops to teach coaches how to spot and improve poor eating patterns.

Overdorf plans to kick off the workshops this spring. She wants coaches to know that taking on eating disorders in athletes is a team effort, that professional counseling is needed for the underlying psychological disorder, and that parents need to be made aware of the problem.

Hopefully, by the end of her spring training, she'll have the coaches on the right track.

next: Eating Disorders Prey on Girls
~ eating disorders library
~ all articles on eating disorders

Practicing a relationship technique does not make the relationship perfect, it only makes it better. It is important to know the right techniques to practice with in order to be sure you stay on track.

If a golfer continues to practice the wrong golf swing, without lessons, he will only get better at doing the wrong thing better.     

It is also important to be coachable; to be open to learning new ways of being in relationships. To continue to do what isn't working is stupid. Perhaps true wisdom is not only possessing knowledge, but knowing who to ask; someone who has been there, done that and what they were doing works.

Don't try harder. Learn to do better. Test new ideas. Reinvent yourself. Change your behavior and you will change the relationship. Change your attitude and see what happens.

For example, if your partner is dumping the results of their bad day on you, the attitude with which you listen will make a difference. Instead of hearing it as a complaint, hear it as a cry for a committed listener; someone who will only listen to what they are saying instead of feeling that you are responsible for offering a solution to fix the problem.

Working on our relationship; paying attention to the little things and putting forth extra effort all are admirable unless you are using the wrong tool. To use an aviation term - flying blind; using no tools and hoping it works out. Persistence on this level is stupidity in action.

Persistence is good only when you are doing the right things. If something doesn't work, change directions. Be flexible.

continue story below

next: The Essence of Romance

In healthy love relationships, there is no second place. There is no longer any need to have one of you be number one and one of you be number two. Healthy people share. In a healthy love relationship, generosity expresses itself generously. Love partners are not afraid to share the spotlight.

We need to give up the idea of having to have any one of the two people who make up a relationship be subservient or number two. This idea takes some work because many people believe that one should be over the other. This is a bad idea.

When two people really love each other, they are not afraid to be their love partner's equal. Two people, each number one to each other and to the relationship, working together on similar things and accepting mutual responsibility when things are good and also when things are not so good, can only empower the relationship.

You give "of" yourself to the other. You never give "up" yourself to the other.

When you are both number one, no one ever has to worry about competition in the relationship. You never have to worry about oneupsmanship. When two people work together, they can accomplish more. It's the power of two working together as one.

If you want to experience a sense of revival in your relationships you must consistently push toward a state of continuing to be revived.

It is a do-it-yourself project.

continue story below

next: Random Thoughts to a Coaching Client

Facet # 1 - Causes and Symptoms

"This dance of Codependence is a dance of dysfunctional relationships - of relationships that do not work to meet our needs. That does not mean just romantic relationships, or family relationships, or even human relationships in general.

The fact that dysfunction exists in our romantic, family, and human relationships is a symptom of the dysfunction that exists in our relationship with life - with being human. It is a symptom of the dysfunction which exists in our relationships with ourselves as human beings.

And the dysfunction that exists in our relationship with ourselves is a symptom of Spiritual dis-ease, of not being in balance and harmony with the universe, of feeling disconnected from our Spiritual source.

That is why it is so important to enlarge our perspective. To look beyond the romantic relationship in which we are having problems. To look beyond the dysfunction that exists in our relationships with other people.

The more we enlarge our perspective, the closer we get to the cause instead of just dealing with the symptoms. For example, the more we look at the dysfunction in our relationship with ourselves as human beings the more we can understand the dysfunction in our romantic relationships."

Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney

"It is the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to Dance."

Our hearts have been broken because we were taught to do the Dance of Love in a dysfunctional way/to the wrong music.

The True nature of the Dance of Life is Spiritual - become aligned with the Spiritual music of Truth and you can Open Your Heart to the Abundance of Joy & Love that you deserve.

We are set up to fail to get our needs met in Romantic Relationships in the same way that we are set up to fail in life - by being taught false beliefs about who we are and why we are here in human body, false beliefs about the meaning and purpose of this dance of life.

Our mental attitudes and beliefs set up our perspective and expectations which in turn dictate our relationships. With everything. With our self as human beings, with life, with our own emotions, with our bodies, gender, and sexuality - with our concept of God. With the concept of Romantic Relationship and what constitutes success or failure in a Romantic Relationship.

In taking a look at our basic relationship with Romantic Relationships it is important to take note of how far out on the cause and effect spectrum it resides. All of the relationships described in the third sentence in the above paragraph are in the cause realm in relationship to our Romantic Relationships. In other words, not only does our basic relationship with our self, with life, with our concept of a God-Force have a profound affect on our Romantic Relationships - but our relationships with our own emotions, bodies, gender and sexuality are also cause that have effects/consequences/impact on our Romantic Relationships. Any problems/wounds/dysfunction we have in our relationship with our own gender (or sexuality or emotions, etc.) is going to effect our Romantic Relationships.

Now, to make my point here very clearly:

Almost any problem encountered in a Romantic Relationship is a symptom/effect of some deeper problem within our relationship with our self!

And we live in a culture where we are taught that the right/successful Romantic Relationship can make all those other problems go away!

Like, duh, no wonder we have problems with Romantic Relationships.

It starts in early childhood with Fairy Tales where the Prince and the Princess live happily-ever-after. It continues in movies and books where boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back - the music swells and the happy couple ride off into the sunset. The songs that say "I can't smile without you." "I can't live without you" "You are my everything" describe the type of love we learned about growing up - that is, an addiction with the other person as our drug of choice.

If a successful Romantic Relationship will cure all of our self-esteem, self-image, gender/body/emotional issues then the other person is set up to be our Higher Power. This is a formula, a set up, to cause dysfunctional Romantic Relationships. (I am using dysfunctional here to mean: does not work to help us get our needs met - mental, emotional, physical, and Spiritual needs.)

Any time we set another human being up to be our Higher Power we are going to experience failure in whatever we are trying to accomplish. We will end up feeling victimized by the other person or by our self - and even when we feel victimized by the other person we blame our self for the choices we made. We are set up to fail in Romantic Relationships because of the belief system we were taught in childhood and the messages we got from our society growing up.

Facet # 2 - Outer Dependence

"As was stated earlier, Codependence could more accurately be called outer or external dependence. Outside influences (people, places, and things; money, property, and prestige) or external manifestations (looks, talent, intelligence) can not fill the hole within. They can distract us and make us feel better temporarily but they cannot address the core issue - they cannot fulfill us Spiritually. They can give us ego-strength but they cannot give us self-worth.

True self-worth does not come from temporary conditions. True self-worth comes from accessing the eternal Truth within, from remembering the state of Grace that is our True condition."

"As long as we believe that someone else has the power to make us happy then we are setting ourselves up to be victims."

Ultimately we feel lost because we feel disconnected from our Spiritual Source. We have a hole in our soul and we keep trying to fill it with outside things because that is what we were taught defined us. We grew up in emotionally dishonest societies that taught us that if we were good enough, did enough, did it right we would get rewarded. That when we met our soul mate and got married we would get to live happily ever after."

We have all been lost, trying to fill the hole in our soul with whatever we could find that would work in the moment to help us keep from feeling the emotional pain - alcohol or work or family or sex or religion or whatever. For many of us that meant Romantic Relationships. If we just found the right Romantic Relationship, or changed ourselves (or the other person) enough to make the one we were in work - then everything would be OK.

"As long as you believe that the other person is the source of your happiness you will feel compelled to try to control them so that you can stay happy. You can not control them and be happy." Wedding Prayer/Meditation on Romantic Commitment by Robert Burney.

"Codependence is about giving power to external or outer forces (including other people) over our self-esteem - over how we feel about our self. That is dysfunctional - it does not work. What we are striving for is to learn to be Interdependent - to make allies, form partnerships - not make someone or something outside of us (i.e. our career, money, etc.), or external to our being, our higher power that determines if we have self-worth.

I have a column about the difference the Codependence vs. Interdependence page.

Codependence is also a disease of reversed focus - it is about focusing outside of ourselves for self-definition and self-worth. That sets us up to be a victim. We have worth because we are Spiritual Beings not because of how much money or success we have - or how we look or how smart we are - or who we are in relationship with. When self-worth is determined by looking outside it means we have to look down on someone else to feel good about ourselves - this is the cause of bigotry, racism, class structure, and Jerry Springer.

The goal is to focus on who we really are - get in touch with the Light and Love within us and then radiate that outward. I think that is what Mother Theresa did - I can't know for sure because I never met her and it can be difficult to tell looking from the outside where a person's focus is - Mother Theresa could have been a raging codependent who was doing good on the outside in order to feel good about herself - or she could have been being True to her Self by accessing the Love and Light within and reflecting outward. Either way the effect was that she did some great things - the difference would have been how she felt about herself at the deepest levels of her being - because it does not make any real difference how much validation we get from outside if we are not Loving ourselves. If I did not start working on knowing that I had worth as a Spiritual Being - that there is a Higher Power that Loves me - it would never have made any real difference how many people told me I was wonderful."

No one has the power to make someone else love him/herself, we only have the power to change our relationship with our self.

We cannot love someone else enough to make them love them self.

next: The Heart Break of Romantic Relationship Facet # 3

For codependents, almost any problem encountered in a romantic relationship is a symptom of some deeper problem within our relationship with ourself! Learn more.

"As long as we believe that someone else has the power to make us happy, then we are setting ourselves up to be victims." - Robert Burney

Romantic Relationships may be the most powerful, meaningful, traumatic, painful, explosive, heart wrenching single topic for most people. As I say on my flyer for my new workshop "Our hearts have been broken because we were taught to do the Dance of Love in a dysfunctional way/to the wrong music."

Our hearts have been broken! And then they were broken again.

If you can Truly own the pain in that statement - take some deep breaths, visualize breathing White Light into your heart chakra (which will break up and release some of the trapped grief energy) and say out loud, "My heart has been broken." - you will probably not only produce some tears but some sobs of emotional energy being released. If you cannot own, feel, and release some emotional pain energy in relating to the Truth of that statement, it could mean that you don't feel safe to be emotionally honest in this moment, or that you don't feel safe to be emotionally honest with yourself in regard to this topic. It could be a sad commentary on how much you have had to shut down your heart, how closed off to the emotional Truth of how painful being human in a dysfunctional, emotionally dishonest, Spiritually hostile, Love retarded cultural environment has been for you.

It is not your fault. It is not your fault! IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

It is a set up. We were set up.

The thing that is so important about the issue of Romantic Relationships for codependents is to realize how we were set up to "fail" in romance - to really get it on a gut level, so that we can forgive ourselves.   Once we start letting go of feeling responsible for something we were powerless over, letting go of the false guilt and toxic shame about our "mistakes" and "failures" in romance, then we, as codependents, can start to learn how to take healthy risks.   Loving and losing is much better than never loving at all.

The issue of how we are set up to fail to get our needs met in Romantic Relationships is so complex - multi-leveled, multi-faceted, and multi-dimensional - that instead of writing an individual, fully contained article here, I am going to make this page a collage of different facets of this issue - individual vignettes with quotes from my books and articles. I am going to use some quotes from my Question and Answer pages also - the Q & A # at the end of the quote will be a link to the applicable page - any articles or columns cited will also be linked.

I am thinking of this page as if it were a crystal with multiple facets. Each facet reflects a little different perspective on the issue of Romantic Relationships. I am going to limit this page to seven of these different but very much interrelated facets.

next: The Heartbreak of Romantic Relationship - Facet # 1 and Facet # 2

Sometimes I amaze myself. I think I'm making progress, but then suddenly, something happens and I'm picking myself up off the recovery floor again.

This past week it happened when I had a wreck in my car. Actually, to call it a wreck is an overstatement, but I rear-ended another car and did $1000 damage to mine. Not even a scratch on the other car.

Naturally, the police determined it was my fault, as it is 99.99% of the time in the case of rear-end collision.

But I didn't believe it was my fault. I was pulling out into a lane, making a right-hand turn, and the car in front of me stopped suddenly. I was accelerating and so accelerated right into the back-end of a big Ford Taurus. Then, the driver hopped out and started yelling, "You rammed my car! I can't believe you just rammed my car!"

Rammed her car???

I hopped out of my car. "Get outta here," I yelled back. "It was an accident."

To make matter worse, the police talked to the other driver first and then me. Not good. The officer's opening statement to me was: "Why did you get out and start yelling at the other driver?"

What???

"That's not how it happened," I protested. "The other driver stopped right in front of me, while I was pulling out onto the street."

"They said you rammed them," said the officer. "Then you got out and started yelling."

Needless to say, I felt there was no justice in the matter. I paid my $83 dollar fine and took 4 points on my driving record. It just seems that in some situations, the truth is not going to be heard.

Of course, some would argue truth is relative to one's point of view. I tend to agree with that more and more. The officer said, "We've seen hundreds of these cases and they're pretty much all alike, the driver in back isn't paying attention."

"Look at my driving record," I begged. "I've not had an accident in 20 years. I'm a safe driver on my license and with my insurance company. I've not even had a speeding ticket in over 5 years. My kids were in the car with me. Do you think I'd carelessly endanger their lives?"

Words cast upon deaf ears.

It's happened to me before. I tried so hard to be heard, to be understood. After my divorce, I promised myself that in the future, I would do everything it took to work out differences in understanding. I promised myself that in the future, I would be a better listener. In the future, I'd keep working on communication until the situation was resolved.

I was playing right into the biggest co-dependent traps of all—people pleasing, living in the future rather than the present, believing that truth is truth no matter the point of view, believing that good communication would give me more control over a situation.

Life just isn't as simple as my co-dependent self wants it to be. People are unpredictable. Some situations are beyond my control no matter how hard I wish or work to make it different.

For a recovering co-dependent, there can be no such thing as "tomorrow." In the end, tomorrow doesn't make a lot of difference. The only thing that makes a difference is the attitude I take toward today, right here, right now. This moment is the only moment I have any power to change and all I can really change is my attitude in the moment.

That's all.

Recovery honestly is living one day at a time. That's why we have the slogan—to remind us that today is all we have to work through. Tomorrow doesn't count. Let go of the future, because life is today.

When the crashes, spills, tumbles, hurts, disappointments, misunderstandings, lost opportunities, changes, shocks, and storms start rolling in, I smile and wait. It's only for today that I must endure and be strong. It's only for today that my answers will come. I can relax into the joy that tribulation brings knowing that I can survive anything for 24 hours. Grace will take care of tomorrow.

Thank You, God for reminding me that difficulties are part of living. Thank You for giving me just enough strength and serenity for today. I turn tomorrow over to You. Amen.

next: Doing Fine

Codependence is about having a dysfunctional relationship with self!
With our own bodies, minds, emotions, and spirits.
With our own gender and sexuality.
With being human.

Because we have dysfunctional relationships internally  we have dysfunctional relationships externally.

"Actually the term "Codependence" is an inaccurate and somewhat misleading term for the phenomenon it has come to describe. A more accurate term would be something like outer-dependence, or external dependence."

"The point that I am making is that our understanding of Codependence has evolved to realizing that this is not just about some dysfunctional families, our very role models, our prototypes, are dysfunctional. Our traditional cultural concepts of what a man is, of what a woman is, are twisted, distorted, almost comically bloated stereotypes of what masculine and feminine really are."

"Codependence deals with the core issues of the human dilemma. Codependence has grown out of the cause from which all symptoms arise. That cause is Spiritual dis-ease not being at ease, at one with Spiritual Self. Not being able to be in balance, in harmony with the universe. All other diseases - physical, emotional, mental - spring out of, are caused by, Spiritual dis-ease. . . . The human condition is a symptom! Human nature as we understand it is a symptom! The human condition is not a result of flaws in human nature. Both are effects. The condition of Codependence which, as I said could more accurately be described as outer or external dependence is the human condition as we have inherited it!"

A Definition of Codependence Codependence is a primary, progressive, chronic, fatal, and treatable disease which is caused by being raised in an emotionally dishonest, Spiritually hostile environment. The primary environment is the family system which is part of the larger emotionally dishonest and dysfunctional society which is part of a civilization that is based on false beliefs about the nature and purpose of being human.

Codependence is characterized by dependence on outer or external sources for self-worth and self-definition.   This outer or external dependence, combined with unhealed childhood emotional wounds which get reactivated/gouged whenever an emotional "button" is pushed, cause the Codependent to live life in reaction to, give power over self-esteem to, outside sources.

"Traditionally in this society women were taught to be codependent on - that is take their self-definition and self-worth from - their relationships with men, while men have been taught to be codependent on their success/career/work. That has changed somewhat in the past twenty or thirty years but is still part of the reason that women have more of a tendency to sell their souls for relationships than men do. Codependence is all about giving outside or external influences power over our self-esteem. Everything outside of our 'self'- rather that is people, places and things or our own external appearance has to do with ego-strength not self-worth. We all have equal Divine worth because we are transcendent Spiritual beings who are part of the ONENESS that is the Great Spirit/God-Force - not because of anything outside of us."

From the Column "Relationships & Valentines Day" by Robert Burney

"Codependence and interdependence are two very different dynamics. Codependence is about giving away power over our self-esteem. Takingour self-definition and self-worth from outside or external sources is dysfunctional because it causes us to give power over how we feel about ourselves to people and forces which we cannot control. Any time that we give power over our self-esteem to something outside of ourselves we are making that person or thing our higher power. We are worshiping false gods. If my self-esteem is based on people, places, and things; money, property, and prestige; looks, talent, intelligence; then I am set up to be a victim. People will not always do what I want them too; property can be destroyed by an earthquake or flood or fire; money can disappear in a stock market crash or bad investment; looks change as I get older. Everything changes. All outside or external conditions are temporary."

From the Column "Codependence vs. Interdependence" by Robert Burney

"This dance of Codependence is a dance of dysfunctional relationships - of relationships that do not work to meet our needs. That does not mean just romantic relationships, or family relationships, or even human relationships in general. The fact that dysfunction exists in our romantic, family, and human relationships is a symptom of the dysfunction that exists in our relationship with life, with being human. It is a symptom of the dysfunction which exists in our relationships with ourselves as human beings."

"The dance that we learn as children - the repression and distortion of our emotional process in reaction to the attitudes and behavior patterns we adopt to survive in an emotionally repressive, Spiritually hostile environment - is the dance we keep dancing as adults. We are driven by repressed emotional energy. We live life in reaction to childhood emotional wounds. We keep trying to get the healthy attention and affection, the healthy love and nurturing, the being-enhancing validation and respect and affirmation, that we did not get as children. This dysfunctional dance is Codependence. It is Adult Child Syndrome. It is the tune that humans have been dancing to for thousands of years. Vicious, self-perpetuating cycles of self-destructive behavior."

"The way the emotional defense system that is Codependence works is that we continue to repeat our patterns in order to reinforce the belief that it is not safe to trust. Not safe to trust ourselves or this process we call life. Codependence does this to protect us. Because it was not safe for us to trust our own feelings, senses, and perceptions as children our egos decided that it is never safe to trust. Codependence is an emotional and behavioral defense system which was adopted by our egos in order to meet our need to survive as a child. Because we had no tools for reprogramming our egos and healing our emotional wounds (culturally approved grieving, training and initiation rites, healthy role models, etc.), the effect is that as an adult we keep reacting to the programming of our childhood and do not get our needs met - our emotional, mental, Spiritual, or physical needs. Codependence allows us to survive physically but causes us to feel empty and dead inside. Codependence is a defense system that causes us to wound ourselves. . . . The battle cry of Codependence is 'I'll show you - I'll get me.'"

"Due to the planetary conditions, the human ego developed a belief in separation - which is what made violence possible and caused the human condition as we inherited it. The reflection of that human condition on the individual level is the disease of Codependence. Codependence is caused by the ego being traumatized and programmed in early childhood so that our relationship with ourselves and the God-Force is dysfunctional - that is, it does not work to help us access the Truth of ONENESS and Love. It is through healing our relationship with ourselves that we open our inner channel and start tuning into the Truth."

From the column "Christ Consciousness" by Robert Burney

next: Codependence vs. Interdependence

Battle With Food

Wendy, 22, has struggled with anorexia for more than a decade but has no immediate desire to recover from the condition that could one day kill her. Though she says she wouldn't wish the eating disorder on anyone, Wendy adds that "for myself and many others, there's a need to hold onto it."

"I didn't choose to have an eating disorder when I was 10 years old, but after 12 years of this, it is all I know and it is what I'm used to," Wendy wrote in a letter. "I have been in outpatient eating disorder therapy for six years, and have been hospitalized for organ failure. I know what I am doing. ... No, I don't plan on staying this way for the rest of my life, but for now, it is what I'm choosing. And it is what many others are choosing."

Wendy was one of several young women who wrote to WebMD recently in defense of pro-anorexia Internet sites and chat rooms. Many of the web sites have since been shut down by servers like Yahoo! in the wake of a flood of news stories and complaints from groups fighting eating disorders.

"I know you're probably jumping for joy," CZ wrote WebMD. "You and thousands of other reporters have taken down the enemy. Do you have no empathy? Now I have no support. It wasn't just about starving, achieving our goals, and so on. We gave support."

'It Becomes a Friend'

Both Wendy and CZ said the intent of the pro-anorexia sites (aka pro-ana sites) is not to promote eating disorders in hopes of recruiting converts. Their comments suggest that they consider the Internet "clubs" they frequent to be exclusive sororities where they can express their feelings without being judged. Australian researcher Megan Warin says a sense of community and belonging is strong among anorexics and helps explain why treating the condition is so difficult.

Warin spent more than three years talking to anorexics in an effort to learn more about the day-to-day social effects of the disease. She says one of her most surprising findings is that anorexics frequently view their eating disorders as "empowering" rather than seeing them as debilitating psychiatric illnesses.

"The people I talked to described the early phases of anorexia as being quite seductive," says Warin. "People often don't want to give up their eating disorders. They enter into a relationship with anorexia and it becomes a way of coping. Many sufferers personify it, and even give it a name. It becomes a friend, the enemy in disguise, an abusive lover, someone they can rely on."

Figures suggest that approximately 8 million people in the U.S. have eating disorders like anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa, and 7 million of them are women. The overwhelming majority of sufferers develop the disorders in their teens and early 20s.

Eating disorders expert Michael P. Levine, PhD, professor of psychiatry at Kenyon College in Ohio, agrees the sense of identify that often accompanies anorexia frequently complicates treatment. He recalled a poignant interview many years ago with a 19-year-old struggling to recover from the disorder.

"She had never had a menstrual period, she had very few friends, and she spent a lot of time in therapy or alone," he says. "With tears in her eyes, she told me that she struggled every day with anxieties about food. She said she wanted to recover, but it was hard. And she looked me in the eye and said, 'At least when I was anorexic, I was somebody.'"

'The Best Anorexic Ever'

National Eating Disorder Association spokeswoman Holly Hoff says perfectionism and competitiveness are common traits in young women who develop eating disorders.

"There is often a strong, strong drive to be perfect, and even with the eating disorder they want to be perfect," she says. "That is why group treatment settings can be problematic. They may hear things that other people are doing and they may think they are not going as far as they could."

Vivian Hanson Meehan, president of the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders, agrees.

"Often what happens when you see anorexics in a group is that they start to compete with each other," she says. "They are vying to be the best anorexic ever. But the best anorexics are dead."

Hoff says there is currently no clearly superior strategy for treating eating disorders but medical professionals know far more about them than they did even a few years ago. She recommends a team approach to treatment, integrating psychological therapy with medical treatment aimed at restoring physical health.

"A big issue in treatment right now is whether it is necessary to get a sufferer's weight up before working on the psychological issues," she says. "Research suggests that some anorexics can be so physically depleted that they need to be returned to some baseline level of physical health before analysis can be effective. It speaks to the power of this illness that some people are so ill that they can't understand that they need care."

There is a far better chance for recovery, Hoff says, when the illness is identified and treatment is begun early. Friends and family members can have a big impact here, because sufferers rarely acknowledge they have a problem until it can no longer be denied.

"Many sufferers lose their grasp on reality and begin to think that what they are doing is normal," she says. "That is why it is so important that family and friends keep driving home the point that it is not normal. What we hear from people in recovery is that even though they may resist those messages, they are always somewhere in the back of their minds. The messages are there when they start to feel less and less in control and more and more weak."

Recovery from eating disorders is often a long road, she adds, and most people are not able to do it without professional help.

"We often hear from sufferers who have gone to a counselor, but it wasn't the right match and they are ready to give up," she says. "We encourage them to try someone else. Finding someone they trust and can work with is almost more essential than the specific method of treatment."

next: Eating Disorders: Compulsive Exercising Among Anorexic Patients
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"Recovery is not a dance of right and wrong, of black and white - it is a dance of integration and balance.   The questions in Recovery are:   Is it working for you?   Is the way you live your life working to meet your needs?   Is the way you are living your life bringing you some happiness?"

"My own personal Spiritual belief system is one form of spirituality.   It is certainly not the only one.   Mine works for me very well in helping me to have a relationship with life that allows me to be happier today.   It is not necessary for you to accept my belief system in order for you to use the tools, techniques, and perspectives that I have developed for emotional healing / codependence recovery / inner child integration."

"For the purposes of this discussion of spiritual integration, I would now define what I refer to as a Spiritual Awakening in the quote above, as:   being open to a larger perspective - awakening from being trapped in a limiting perspective.   In this regard, spiritual would be a qualifier, an adjective, that describes the quality of one's relationship with life."

"This adjective, spiritual, would be (in my definition) a word describing an expanded level of consciousness.   A level of consciousness, of awareness, that is expansive and inclusive and facilitates personal growth - as opposed to limited, exclusive, rigid, and inhibiting growth, development, and alternative view points."

"By this definition, any religion that claims to be the chosen one, that excludes alternative perspectives or certain people, is not spiritual."

"The objective, the function, of developing a spiritual relationship with life is to explore ways of living that work better than the ones which have resulted from the limiting belief systems that have so impacted the course of human history.   Unless your life is happy, fulfilling, and working just as you want it to, then it is important to look for alternate ways to do life.   A different set of rules to play by.   It is important to become aware that it is possible to stop being a victim of life not being what we want it to be, in order to start changing our relationship with life into one that works better for us each individually."

next: Feeling the Feelings