• Watch the video on How to Cope With a Vindictive Narcissist?

Question:

Are narcissists vindictive? Do they stalk and harass? 

Answer:

Narcissists are often vindictive and they often stalk and harass. Basically, there are only two ways of coping with vindictive narcissists:

I. To Frighten Them

Narcissists live in a state of constant rage, repressed aggression, envy and hatred. They firmly believe that everyone is like them. As a result, they are paranoid, suspicious, scared and erratic. Frightening the narcissist is a powerful behaviour modification tool. If sufficiently deterred - the narcissist promptly disengages, gives up everything he fought for and sometimes make amends.

To act effectively, one has to identify the vulnerabilities and susceptibilities of the narcissist and strike repeated, escalating blows at them - until the narcissist lets go and vanishes.

Example: If a narcissist has a secret - one should use this to threaten him. One should drop cryptic hints that there are mysterious witnesses to the events and recently revealed evidence. The narcissist has a very vivid imagination. Let his imagination do the rest.

The narcissist may have been involved in tax evasion, in malpractice, in child abuse, in infidelity - there are so many possibilities, which offer a rich vein of attack. If done cleverly, non-committally, gradually, in an escalating manner - the narcissist crumbles, disengages and disappears. He lowers his profile thoroughly in the hope of avoiding hurt and pain.

Most narcissists have been known to disown and abandon a whole PNS (Pathological Narcissistic Space) in response to a well-focused campaign by their victims. Thus, a narcissist may leave town, change a job, desert a field of professional interest, avoid friends and acquaintances - only to relieve the unrelenting pressure exerted on him by his victims.

I repeat: most of the drama takes place in the paranoid mind of the narcissist. His imagination runs amok. He finds himself snarled by horrifying scenarios, pursued by the vilest "certainties". The narcissist is his own worst persecutor and prosecutor.

You don't have to do much except utter a vague reference, make an ominous allusion, delineate a possible turn of events. The narcissist will do the rest for you. He is like a little child in the dark, generating the very monsters that paralyse him with fear.

Needless to add that all these activities have to be pursued legally, preferably through the good services of law offices and in broad daylight. If done in the wrong way - they might constitute extortion or blackmail, harassment and a host of other criminal offences.

II. To Lure Them

The other way to neutralise a vindictive narcissist is to offer him continued Narcissistic Supply until the war is over and won by you. Dazzled by the drug of Narcissistic Supply - the narcissist immediately becomes tamed, forgets his vindictiveness and triumphantly takes over his "property" and "territory".

Under the influence of Narcissistic Supply, the narcissist is unable to tell when he is being manipulated. He is blind, dumb and deaf to all but the song of the NS sirens. You can make a narcissist do ANYTHING by offering, withholding, or threatening to withhold Narcissistic Supply (adulation, admiration, attention, sex, awe, subservience, etc.).

next: Narcissists, Narcissistic Supply And Sources of Supply

Achieving personal growth shouldn't be a selfish endeavor. Some people concentrate solely on themselves and exclude other important people in their lives.

Life Letters

Hello old friend,

You shared with me that you've made tremendous progress spiritually. You meditate regularly, faithfully attend yoga classes, and visualize every night before drifting off into a gentle sleep.

You speak eloquently of the Talmud, the shamanic path, the Koran, the New Testament, and the Bhagavad Gita. You give thanks each morning to the four elements with the cornmeal you scatter in the wind. You lift your face reverently up towards the golden sunlight, welcome its soothing caress upon your face. Your life is good, you tell me. I immediately understand that you are expecting me to acknowledge your bounty, and I, ever the accommodating friend, oblige.

But what has become of the other growing things in your life? Your once beautiful garden so long now left untended has been overcome with weeds. Your son weeps in earnest in the darkness of his room, feeling alone and abandoned. He is weary of your lectures and your preoccupation with mystical experiences. While you serve him delicious vegetarian fare, he is starving for your attention.

And what of your partner? He no longer turns to you in bed at night. You waved him away again and again, too engrossed in your newest work of wisdom to hold him and whisper. He looks at you now from across the breakfast table, no longer enchanted with your transformation. He gazes at you barely listening to your animated explanation of energy points along meridian lines, and sees a stranger. He would like to share with you what little he understands of himself, but he knows that you're not interested. Somewhere along the way to simplifying your life, you concluded that he was too simplistic. His familiar face has now blended into the background. And as you eagerly encounter new vistas, your husband and son fade from view.

You miss your son's soccer practices; they conflict with your woman's prayer group. You fail to schedule a dentist appointment--have these become more of those unimportant details you sought to escape when you left your job? You wanted to live a more meaningful life, have time, you explained, to attend to what really matters. I understood and applauded you then. I am struggling to comprehend now.

You shared with me that after reading BirthQuake you made the decision to honor your life more fully by living in greater accordance with your values. I remember feeling so proud of us both that warm summer day. I am more than a little embarrassed to think that I once took even a little credit for what it now hurts to acknowledge. I don't want the slightest responsibility for the "progress" you've made. Perhaps it is simply that you have surpassed me, grown beyond my superficial concerns. You see, I still value those bothersome matters that seem to you to interfere with the supreme needs of the mind, body, and soul.

It still all matters to me - mind, body, spirit, relationships, love, labor - all the details. I don't always enjoy tending to them, but I accept them as necessary. My dear friend, I ask you to consider that in order to follow that which is holy - you must embrace the whole. In turning away from the less invigorating aspects of your life, you claim you have gained spiritually. Forgive me, for I wonder just how much you've lost...

Caring for the soul is not a limiting endeavor which demands that much of the rest of our lives gets placed on hold. Soul work calls forth the sacred in even that which you consider to be tedious, and must encompass all of our lives.

next:Life Letters: On Having it All: Breaking Free of the Myth

"Truth, in my understanding, is not an intellectual concept. I believe that Truth is an emotional-energy, vibrational communication to my consciousness, to my soul/spirit - my being, from my Soul. Truth is an emotion, something that I feel within.

It is that feeling within when someone says, or writes, or sings, something in just the right words so that I suddenly feel a deeper understanding. It is that "AHA" feeling. The feeling of a light bulb going on in my head. That "Oh, I get it!" feeling. The intuitive feeling when something just feels right . . . or wrong. It's that gut feeling, the feeling in my heart. It is the feeling of something resonating within me. The feeling of remembering something that I had forgotten - but do not remember ever knowing."

From Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls

When I first got into recovery at the beginning of 1984, I was confronted with the Twelve Step concept of a Loving Higher Power. It was a strange and foreign concept to me at the time. The concept of God that I was taught about when I was growing up was not a Loving Higher Power. There is no Unconditional Love involved with a god who could send his children to burn in hell forever - even as a child I knew there was something very wrong with that belief.

So, I set out to try to figure out a concept of God that I could believe in as an Unconditionally Loving Higher Power. In retrospect I can see that what I was doing was a paradigm shift - a shift to a larger context - that would allow me to change my relationship with God, with The Universe, into one that would work for me to help me want to live instead of wanting to kill myself. At the time I didn't think in terms of relationship dynamics, I was just trying to find some reason to stay sober.

There were two memories that my initial search was based upon. One was the memory of how strongly I had resonated with the idea that "the Force is with you." There was something that felt very True in that statement to me. The other was a thought that had come to me in certain moments of clarity in the midst of my darkest hours. That thought was: either there is a Loving Force/God behind this human life experience that I was having or there wasn't. If there was, then everything had to be unfolding perfectly - with no accidents, coincidences, or mistakes. If there wasn't - if there was no God Force, or God was punishing and judgmental - then I did not want to play anymore.

My intentional codependence recovery started with the realization of how my relationship with life was being dictated by the concept of God I was taught about as a child - and still had programmed into my subconscious belief system - instead of what I was choosing to believe on a conscious, intellectual level. Focusing on changing that subconscious programming led me into healing the emotional wounds in which that programming was rooted. Healing the emotional wounds led me into doing deep grief work which I discovered involved releasing energy. The more I became clear that emotions were actual energy that needed to flow instead of being blocked, the easier it became for me to get in touch with my emotions and open up to healing them through energy release.

(Easier in terms of aligning with the way the process really works - not easier in terms of less painful. What I did learn, was that it was easier in the long run to feel and release the pain - and anger and fear - than to keep trying to stuff it.)

Thus, one piece of the puzzle fell into place. Emotions are energy. Energy has a vibrational frequency. Anger has a higher vibrational frequency than pain or fear - thus the human defense mechanism which allows us to turn pain or fear into anger because it is has more energy mass and therefore feels empowering instead of vulnerable and weak. Much of world history becomes clearer just by understanding how humans - as part of trying to survive - have reacted to fear and pain by getting angry and acting out that anger.

Another piece of the puzzle started to fall into place when I started to read books about quantum physics.

"One of the fascinating things about the Age of Healing and Joy that has dawned in human consciousness is that the tools and knowledge that we need to raise our consciousness, to awaken to consciousness, have been unfolding in all areas of human endeavor over time, and at an accelerated rate in the last fifty to one hundred years.

One of the most fascinating things to me, and a key in my personal healing process, is in the area of physics.

Physicists have now proven through Einstein's Theory of Relativity and the study of quantum physics that everything we see is an illusion.

Einstein, in looking at a macroscopic perspective of the Universe, said in his Theory of Relativity that there are more than three dimensions. Human beings can only visualize in three dimensions. We can only see three dimensions so we have assumed that that is all there is.

Einstein also stated that time and space are not the absolute variables that science has traditionally believed them to be - that they are, in fact, a relative experience.

Quantum physics, the study of the microscopic, the subatomic world, has gone even further. Quantum physics has now proven that everything we see is an illusion, that the physical world is an illusion.

Everything is made up of interacting energy. Energy interacts on a subatomic level to form energy fields which physicists call subatomic particles. These subatomic energy fields interact to form atomic energy fields, atoms, which interact to form molecules. Everything in the physical world is made up of interacting atomic and molecular energy fields.

There is no such thing as separation in the physical world.

Energy is interacting to form a gigantic, dynamic pattern of rhythmically repeating energy interactions. In other words, a dance of energy. We are all part of a gigantic dance of energy.

This Universe is one gigantic pattern of dancing energy patterns."

The Universe is one giant dance of energy. This realization led to the title of my book: The Dance of Wounded Souls. We are all dancing energy made up of dancing energy. I realized that the reason the dance was painful and dysfunctional is that humans have been dancing to the wrong music (wrong as in not aligned with the Truth of a Loving Force.) The dance of life for humans has been grounded in shame and fear, empowered by belief in separation, lack, and scarcity. These are lower vibrational emotions and beliefs based on the three dimensional illusion that humans experience as reality. As long as the dance of humans harmonizes to music - vibrational emanations - that are rooted in shame, fear, and separation the only way to do the dance is destructively.

As I did my deep grief work and started to clear up my internal process so that I could more clearly differentiate between Truth that was a vibrational communication from my Soul and the emotional truth that was coming from my wounded soul, I was able to start trusting myself to be able to discern Truth.

"Feelings are real - they are emotional energy that is manifested in our body - but they are not necessarily fact. What we feel is our "emotional truth" and it does not necessarily have anything to do with either facts or the emotional energy that is Truth with a capital "T" - especially when we our reacting out of an age of our inner child."

* "The key to healing our wounded souls is to get clear and honest in our emotional process. Until we can get clear and honest with our human emotional responses - until we change the twisted, distorted, negative perspectives and reactions to our human emotions that are a result of having been born into, and grown up in, a dysfunctional, emotionally repressive, Spiritually hostile environment - we cannot get clearly in touch with the level of emotional energy that is Truth. We cannot get clearly in touch with and reconnected to our Spiritual Self.

We, each and every one of us, has an inner channel to Truth, an inner channel to the Great Spirit. But that inner channel is blocked up with repressed emotional energy, and with twisted, distorted attitudes and false beliefs."

I was able to have a more trusting and Loving relationship with myself through getting more in touch with my Spiritual Self, my Higher Self, and through that Higher Self with God as I was coming to understand God. I was able to start having a personal, intimate relationship with my own concept of a Higher Power/God/Goddess/Great Spirit. I learned to trust the vibrational communications, the feeling of something resonating within. I was studying Quantum Physics, Molecular Biology, religion, theology, philosophy, mythology, esoteric metaphysics, science fiction - whatever was brought into my path to study. In those studies I was sorting out the wheat from the chaff - I was picking out the nuggets of Truth from the twisted, distorted beliefs they were embedded within.

I started writing a book based on what I was learning. This book was the first book of a Trilogy that was an adult fable about the history of the Universe. In that book I wrote about different vibrational levels of reality. I was writing a mystical, magical fairy tale based on a belief system that made it possible to view life as fair and Loving from a Cosmic Perspective. The Higher Power in this belief system is so powerful that everything is unfolding perfectly, with no accidents, coincidences, or mistakes. And this Higher Power is unconditionally Loving because we are part of this Higher Power - not separate from it. We have never been separate from the God Force. Every human is just a little piece of the energy of ALL THAT IS which exists in perfect ONENESS because it vibrates at the frequency of Absolute Harmony that is LOVE.

We are extensions of, manifestations of, this Higher Power temporarily in human form experiencing life in a lower vibrational illusion of three dimensional reality. We are Spiritual Beings having a human experience - not sinful, shameful humans who have to earn the Love of the Source. We are here to experience being human - to go through the school of Spiritual Evolution.

"Spiritual Evolution is the process whereby the energy of ALL THAT IS gets to experience every aspect of the illusion of existence at vibrational frequencies lower than the frequency of LOVE. Existence at the lower vibrational frequencies is experienced by energy fields of consciousness known as Souls. These Souls exist on the Spiritual Plane within the illusion. The Spiritual Plane is the highest vibrational plane, that is the vibrational plane which exists closest to the Reality of ONENESS at LOVE. It is on the Spiritual Plane that the highest vibrational frequency range naturally available to human experience is generated (by the Souls). This frequency range is the transcendent Emotional energy of Love. This Love frequency range also contains frequencies which are experienced as Truth, Joy, Beauty, and Light as well as sometimes being called; the God within, the Goddess within, the Christ within, The Holy Spirit, etc..

It is this Love frequency that is the Light that guides the energy of ALL THAT IS through the school of Spiritual Evolution. For the Soul on the Spiritual Plane projects/extends downward vibrationally to manifest the soul/Ego which exists on the Mental plane within the Temporal Plane. It is the soul/Ego which experiences the illusion of separate, unique, individual identity and projects forth (downward vibrationally) the energy field of the soul/spirit/ego which actually inhabits the human body vehicle."

In this Trilogy, I found a belief system that allowed me to believe that maybe I wasn't shameful - that maybe I was Lovable. As I was writing this book, I was also doing individual therapy with people. I was teaching them how to do the grief work to change their relationship with themselves and life. I saw the Trilogy as separate from the nitty gritty inner work - until they came together. The belief system I was writing about from a Cosmic Perspective of the Human Experience suddenly meshed perfectly with the inner child work that I was teaching people and learning myself. It was perfect. It all fit together. From that coalescing of the human emotional process with the Cosmic Perspective of life came my book The Dance of Wounded Souls.

Codependence is a reflection on the individual level of the original wound of humankind - feeling abandoned by God. Feeling unlovable and unworthy and somehow shameful because of feeling separate from The Source. We are not separate from the Source - it just feels like it.

"The Universal Creative Force, as I understand it, is the energy field of ALL THAT IS vibrating at the frequency of Absolute Harmony. That vibrational frequency I call LOVE. (LOVE is the vibrational frequency of God; Love is an energy vibration within The Illusion which we can access; love is, in our Codependent culture, most often an addiction or an excuse for dysfunctional behavior.)

LOVE is the energy frequency of Absolute Harmony because it is the vibrational frequency where there is no separation.

Energy moves in wave-like patterns; what enables movement is the separation between the valley of the wave and its peak. The distance from peak to peak is called it's wavelength. It is a law of physics that as vibrational frequency rises, as it gets higher, the wavelength gets shorter. The frequency of LOVE is the vibrational frequency where wavelength disappears, where separation disappears.

It is a place of absolute Peace, motionless, timeless, completely at rest: The Eternal Now.

The Peace and Bliss of The Eternal Now is the True Absolute Reality of the God-Force."

Love is a vibrational frequency. It is our direct channel to The Source. When we can tune into that higher energy vibration we are closer to our True Selves. In The Goddess we are LOVE. LOVE is home. Humans have never felt comfortable in this lower vibrational illusion - we know from a very early age that something is wrong with this place. So we try to alter our consciousness - to raise our vibrational frequency.

"Humans have always been looking for a way home. For a way to connect with our Higher Consciousness. For a way to reconnect with our creator. Throughout human history, human beings have used temporary artificial means to raise their vibrational level, to try to reconnect with Higher Consciousness.

Drugs and alcohol, meditation and exercise, sex and religion, starvation and overeating, the self-torture of the flagellant or the deprivation of the hermit - all are attempts to connect with higher consciousness. Attempts to reconnect with Spiritual Self. Attempts to go home."

"I was 'transported with Joy', and my 'spirit was soaring', as I danced on the rock. And in my dancing and singing I Truly understood what those expressions meant. For in being 'transported' and 'soaring' I was merely tuning into the vibrational frequency that is Joy and Love and Truth. I could see clearly now how human beings throughout history had been trying to tune into Love. The primal urge that has caused humans to attempt to 'alter their consciousness', through drugs or religion or food or meditation or whatever, is no more than an attempt to raise oneís vibrational frequency. All any soul in body has ever done is to try to return home to God - we were just doing it all backwards because of the reversity of the planets energy field."

It is not bad or wrong that you are an alcoholic or drug addict or workaholic or love addict or food addict or whatever - it is just an attempt to go home. We have felt lost and alone and not a part of - and we did whatever we could to try to transform that painful level of consciousness into a higher level. The problem was that those outside means of altering our consciousness are temporary, artificial, and self-destructive. When we look to outer or external sources that interfere with consciousness to alter our consciousness, to make us feel better, we are worshipping false gods, we are giving power to the illusion - we are not owning our True Self and our own inner channel to God.

Now that does not mean there is anything wrong with outer stimulation helping us to access Love. What is dysfunctional is focusing on the outer or external as the source of the Joy. We can combine our energy with a place or a person or a group of people or an animal to form a more powerful energy field which makes it easier to access the higher vibrational Source energy. What outer or external sources can do is reflect back to us the Beauty of who we really are - that is a most powerful way of accessing the Love within ourselves.

We all can do it at times. The easiest place for many of us to access this Love energy is in nature. Watching a beautiful sunset or looking out over a magnificent landscape can make it easy to access the vibrational frequency of Love, Light, Truth, Beauty, and Joy. Small children can help many of us to tune into the Love within us. Music, or other vibrational emanations such as chanting or meditation or movement, can also facilitate this connection. Perhaps in your relationship to your dog or cat or horse, you can find the space to tune into the Love within.

What all of these things - from babies to whales to dancing - have in common is that they help us to be in the moment. It is in the moment that we can access the Love vibrational frequency within us.

It can be relatively easy to access Love and Joy in relationship with nature. It is in our relationships with other people that it gets messy. That is because we learned how to relate to other people in childhood from wounded people who learned how to relate to other people in their childhood. In our core relationship with ourselves we don't feel Lovable. That can make it very difficult to connect with other people in a clean and energetically clear way that helps us to access Love from the Source instead of viewing the other person as the source. We are so defended, because of the pain we have experienced, that we are not open to connecting with others. If we haven't done the grief work from the past we are not open to feeling our feelings in the moment. As long as we are blocking the pain and anger and fear, we are also blocking the Love and Joy. The more we heal our emotional wounds and change our intellectual programming the more capacity we have to be in the moment and tune into the Love within.

I will discuss further in the next column in this series, how to differentiate between looking outside for the source and combining our energy with some outside influence to help us access the Source within. In the meantime, try whenever you think of it to be in the moment. Take a deep breath, let go of tomorrow and yesterday, and see if you can't find something in your environment that will help you to tune into the Love energy within you. This is a new age - The Age of Healing & Joy - and we have greater access to the transcendent emotional energy than ever before in recorded human history. It Truly is a time for Joy. A time to change the dance from one of suffering and endurance into one that celebrates the gift of life.

"What is so wonderful, what is so Joyous and exciting, is that we now have clearer access to our Spiritual Higher Consciousness than ever before in recorded human history. And through that Higher Self to the Universal Creative God-Force.

Each and every one of us has an inner channel. We now have the capability to atone - which means tune into - to atone, to tune into the Higher Consciousness. To tune into the Higher vibrational emotional energies that are Joy, Light, Truth, Beauty, and Love.

We can tune into the Truth of "at ONE ness." Atone = at ONE. Atonement = at ONE ment, in a condition of ONENESS.

We now have access to the highest vibrational frequencies - we can tune into the Truth of ONENESS. By aligning with Truth we are tuning into the higher energy vibrations that reconnect us with the Truth of ONENESS.

This is the age of atonement, but it does not have anything to do with judgment and punishment. It has to do with tuning our inner channel into the right frequencies.

But our inner channel is blocked and cluttered with repressed emotional energy and dysfunctional attitudes. The more we clear our inner channel through aligning with Truth attitudinally, and releasing the repressed emotional energy through the grief process, the clearer we can tune into the music of Love and Joy, Light and Truth."

next: The True Nature of Love - Part IV, Energetic Clarity

A large number of you balk at the idea of taking antidepressants. This is understandable, since in America there's a backlash underway against conventional medicine, and against antidepressant medications in particular. I have a few things to say about it.

I am not telling you what to take or not take. I am just pointing out the worries many depressed people have and responding to them. Do whatever you think is best. I am simply trying to keep people informed.

• The most important thing is, if your doctor prescribes antidepressant medication for you, there is a reason why he or she did so. Consider that before you decide you don't want to take it. Go ahead and ask why!
• Don't refuse to take antidepressants because of their stigma. The immense non-depressed public doesn't understand this illness, and understands antidepressants still less. So don't let them shame you out of it; they don't know what they're talking about.
• Don't be afraid of the side-effects of antidepressants. Sure, you may have some, but make no assumptions. If you assume you'll have them, then you will. If they are a problem, the antidepressant medication can be reduced or dropped. No problem.
• It's also true that your medication may not work, or may take a long time (2 months even) to start working. You have no way of knowing though whether or not any given medication will wind up being the thing which cures you. So why not give it a shot?
• Some of you tell me that you never take pills, for any reason. No one that I know in real life, however, has never taken any medication. Even taking Tylenol for a headache is "medication," and I doubt you would refuse it if you had a headache and were offered some. Be honest with yourself. Most people's fear of taking pills is irrational and probably a symptom of your illness.
• You can try St. John's Wort or another herbal supplement for depression if you want, but I recommend that you first try whatever your doctor suggests. Herbal supplements are largely clinically unproven as treatments for depression, or any mental illness, so in my opinion you should resort to them later rather than sooner. If you are determined to take it though, make sure your doctor knows.
• Yes, doctors do sometimes recommend herbal and/or dietary supplements for depression to their patients in place of conventional medicines. They are usually open-minded people who will look for the best possible treatment for you, no matter what that is, and will not just limit themselves to pharmaceuticals.
• No, doctors do not just dole out prescriptions to get you out of their office. If you really believe that your doctor would give you inappropriate treatment just to be rid of you, then you really ought to go to another doctor, since basic trust isn't present. Doctors (not just psychiatrists) take depression very seriously and are probably not trying to hustle you out the door.
• Antidepressants are not "happy pills," nor are they tranquilizers. They will not cloud your mind or turn you into a giggling fool or any other such nonsense. They help you only in very subtle ways. Chances are you will not notice any difference in yourself. Someone else is more likely to observe that your mood has lifted. So don't expect antidepressants to turn you into a zombie or junkie. It just won't happen.
• I understand that some of you don't "buy" that depression and brain chemistry is linked, and are convinced, therefore, that medications will not help. Still, the cold hard fact is that depression and brain chemistry are linked. Clinical studies have proven time and again that antidepressants help people. They are among the most-scrutinized of all drug classes. You have no rational reason to assume that none of them will help. Again, this is the depression itself discouraging you from getting treatment. Don't let it win.
• Your trepidation about taking pills is a part of your depression, the part that wants to hold you back and get you to refuse all treatment. Don't let it win. Consider that antidepressants may help you. What rational reason could you have for not doing something that might help you feel better?

next: A Bit about Me
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Getting Off The Rollercoaster

A conditioned emotion is one where you respond without awareness. What you feel, is then given expression through an automatic response.

Through our behaviour, many problems can be brought upon ourselves, and because of this we tend to think that such problems are an unavoidable and painful part of life. This way of thinking can be mistakenly justified when we suffer a misfortune that is not of our making. We then feel through such an incident that life is truly the source of all our problems. We find it easy to point blame and often refer to these incidents (consciously or not) to falsely obtain a strength to assert misguided beliefs.

If you can develop an awareness of this, you will then be able to give yourself a chance to foresee the potential of future problems before they unfold. By altering the unthinking conditioned behaviour through an awareness of it, will enable great expansions of thought and opportunities to be a part of your life.

From these unthinking reactions, we can turn events into real problems. Something which simply requires ones attention, can also be seen as a source of bother. This can happen when we procrastinate about jobs to be done. The more we delay, the louder the thing screams out to be done. What would have taken a little bit of effort in the beginning, can end up requiring a lot of effort as we struggle along with our other demands. When we attempt to make things easy for ourselves, we very often end up making it harder. Conditioned behaviour which continues to delay things, will always bring us future problems. Without doubt, it is these sorts of problems that are truly of our own making.

As I am writing this book, I am continually adding and fine tuning its contents. In this process of daily updates, I print the information at the end of each day so I can examine and edit it during the course of the following day. At times, I am tempted to think, "What a drag... all these changes and errors I have to deal with". But once again, the real me has seen the need for this process to be followed; it is the most efficient way for me to go about editing. However, the Ego steps in wanting to try alternatives to this editing process in an attempt to make things easy for me. "Easy"... but not necessarily effective in the long run.

continue story below

The point I make here highlights how the Ego does try to work for us, but its motive in this case was a fear of extra effort. It is reluctant to consider concept of overall long term effects, and is often blind to the future benefits of the application of extra effort during the present moment. Within my own circumstance, my Ego did not know of the value of patience and as such, it wants satisfaction to be obtained without delay.

When pain comes into our life, the Ego very easily asserts itself by telling us it has some answers to our suffering. Since it shows us ways to kill the pain we are enduring, it is given power if we act upon the options that are put before us.

When the Ego has such command over our emotions and responses, our thinking is a mirror to the nature of fear, and it is from this thinking that we deny the long term consequences of particular choices, and go on to seek some source of contentment that will bring about the removal of our pain. After we begin to bear the consequences of our choices, we become illuminated to the folly of our ways to then suffer guilt, remorse, or some other negative emotion. The Ego, acting as it only knows and only can, will then put forth some other option for our choice in an attempt to ease the latest distress.

Mistrust is another conditioned response based upon passed experience, for it assumes that something that relates to one person or event, will hold true for other people or events. Truly, the world is neutral in it's input to our lives. It is our perception based on our experiences that will tend to distort this view.

There are many people that feel as I have felt, and that also feel as you feel now, yet so many are sadly unaware of the hidden true causes of their situation. So often the lack of truth is a cause of people being lead off their true path. Not only is it essential to obtain understandings of yourself for yourself, but the understanding and support of others... especially the understandings of people who are close to you, or who have at some time figured prominently in your life.

LOOKING AT ANGER:

Of all our conditioned responses, anger can be our greatest cause of unnecessary problems. Though it is as valid an emotion as any other, it can tend to be employed more often since it enables us to assert our thoughts quite powerfully. It is when the use of anger, (as with any other emotion) is inappropriate to the situation, that problems of our own making are born.

When you feel anger, something has happened to trigger the unwise and untrained Ego. You do not get angry for no reason, so whatever the situation was that prompted you to this feeling, will require some attention by yourself. Examine your thoughts and find out the exact thing which stirred up the emotion. Clear out assumptions and deal only in known quantities. Find out about things if you think they have relevance but don't assume.

Ask yourself...

"Will the situation be served by my anger ?"

"Will good things come about through energy motivated in this way ?"...

or...

"Is my anger motivated from a fear of how this situation will impact on my comfort?"

When you understand all aspects of a situation that has stirred up anger, you will see the emotion begin to dissipate as the truth unfolds. For myself, I am able to take time out and separate the Truth and the fear that I see in situations. In a way, I can place fear in one hand and Truth in the other. When these two feelings mingle, the state of conflict or confusion exists. The separation process I talk of is clarity through contemplation, and it is brought about through the application of Peace in my thinking.

Now we are open to forgiveness of ourselves or of others if required, allowing us to release hurts or resentments. We can learn for ourselves, and at the same time provide learning for others. Truth will bring us peace through our efforts in seeking it, but we must be daring enough to search for it.

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When the expression of any emotion reaches its peak, we then need to realise it is time to let it go. Even though the bulk of the energy has been dispersed, there is still a potential for wanting to cling to the feeling. When we choose to stay with it in this way, we nurture and maintain some negative seed of emotion. Here we see that it is vital to recognise our anger subsiding so we can begin to gather our peace again.

We will be prone to anger and frustration because it is part of our human make-up, so when we feel like this, we must always be ready to acknowledge the way we feel. Any emotion we feel requires attention, yet with our new Love and understanding, we also know that we don't have to hang on to them once they have passed. The thing that makes apparent negative emotions valid, (such as anger), is that they are at least able teach us the things we need to understand of ourselves and others. They allow us to come closer to being the whole people that we're supposed to be if we employ awareness.

When we express our emotion properly and face up to the situation that made us feel that way, we can rightfully come back to the present knowing that we have done our best in dealing with our problems. Awareness exercised in each situation will see ourselves develop with continuing positive progress.

MORE EXAMPLES ON AUTO PROBLEMS:

Have you ever given a cat a bath ? It's not a very pleasant or easy task. Have you ever given a cat a bath that's had them since it was a kitten ? I have, and truly, it's not a problem. It is conditioned through its experiences that there is no real problem. It knows that it has nothing to fear, but the cat that's never had a bath has nothing to relate this strange situation to. It then panics, runs away, and is very wet, very cold and very afraid. Through the behaviour related to it's experience, it is suffering. The reactions of both cats were conditioned from past events, but the cat who accepted being bathed has simply had more experience. If we want to own a clean cat and we know that bathing it regularly will ensure this for us, the longer we put off the training, the more our problems will be.

The job I have at the time of writing this book is staffed at minimum levels, and when someone goes on leave, it's very noticeable. I find anxiety can affect my performance if I choose to let it, but now in my new way of thinking, any encounter with a difficult problem doesn't mean I have to labour with it. I can take time out to consider other options and alternatives. If I am able to when circumstances allow, I then place the task aside and let my subconscious work on it as I attend to something else. I can do this with complete confidence that an answer will eventuate, because I believe an answer will eventuate. I know that there is never a need to panic because the answer is always close at hand. If I find myself getting nowhere with a problem, then I realise that I mustn't have enough information available. It is then up to me to make the required effort and gather more details. Now I am able to dramatically reduce the effect of old conditioned responses that would otherwise be a source of anxiety and frustration.

If your best efforts continue to be thwarted by frustration, then acknowledge that frustration openly. In your new way of thinking, there is no aspect of yourself that will ever be brushed aside. You understand that it is O.K. to have imperfections, and in doing so, you can wear them like medals. Say to yourself and others...

"Look!... this is me. Look!... I'm being me.

I'm not pretending to be someone else,

I refuse to deny myself to myself,

I'm not showing you just a part of me, just in case you don't like me!

What you see is the complete package".

When we are able to speak this way of ourselves, we will know that those who are uncomfortable with any part of our make-up, may not help or serve us in our personal development. If we need to hide any part of ourself in order to gain approval, we are inviting future problems and pain to visit us and it will be by choice.

MORE EXAMPLES:

One day I heard a friend of mine chastising her daughter for continually misplacing her library books. The unthinking conditioned response was to tell the child that she will never be allowed to use the library's facilities again. For the same situation, a loved based response would have seen an opportunity to develop "Responsibilities of Possessions", but through lack of, or limited awareness, the gift in the problem was lost. Though the mother did not exercise her threat to the child, the problem of misplaced books still exists today and the same old arguments continue to take place. Both people could have equally benefited from such a simple experience, but from this lack of awareness, the cycle continues.

How strange and wonderful life can be. It is lunchtime, and I am in the City Square in Melbourne. As I am writing these paragraphs, I hear a man calling out.. "Free samples!... Free samples!". I turn and look around to see that a stall has been set up to offer free samples of a new fruit drink to the public. The drinks are on ice and this very hot day has made me quite thirsty. My instinct is pleased, and the thought of a free cool drink is very appealing. However, my Ego steps in to try and invalidate my simple honesty by telling me not to be greedy, but through my efforts over many months, I am able to recognise what is happening to me. Instantly a second alternative rationalisation appears in my mind. "Perhaps you could unobtrusively walk over and ask quietly so that nobody will hear you". Once again, I am able to see what is happening. My instinct says that "A free drink is good... go for it". Why not ? I ask myself. So I do, and walk over and say in a clear distinct voice that other people could quite easily hear if they wanted to...

"Can I have one please?".

"Sure !", came a reply.

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The drink is very refreshing, and I've grown just that little bit more, I have expanded my awareness and seen how my Ego can have the power to limit my life if I let it. I can also see how shyness closes doors. Somewhere within me, there is a part of me that has known a powerful form of denial in my childhood. This event has left such a strong impression upon me, that I have carried it's indelible mark into my adult life. The unconscious event of days of old, is the reference for the days of now. But I am not bound anymore for I have discovered the power of Love, and the power of Knowledge.

Life is full of many opportunities for growth and expansion of awareness. In every day, there will be an chance to serve your growth. Open your eyes, your Alarm has gone off and it's time to rise. Stay awake. It's time to start THINKING, it's time to Live.

CONTEMPLATION:

The human Spirit is peaceful by Nature.
it is external influences and the way in which
we choose to address them, is what tends to erode that Peace.

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next: Getting Off the Roller Coaster Cultivating a New Discipline.

Unfortunately, few negotiators know how to be good listeners. And negotiators who are poor listeners miss numerous opportunities in their counterpart's words. Statistics indicate that the normal, untrained listener is likely to understand and retain only about 50 percent of a conversation. This relatively poor percentage drops to an even less impressive 25 percent retention rate 48 hours later. This means that recall of particular conversations will usually be inaccurate and incomplete.

Many communication problems in negotiations are attributable to poor listening skills. To be a good listener, you must attempt to be objective. This means you must try to understand the intentions behind your counterpart's communication--and not just what you want to under- stand. With everything your counterpart tells you, you must ask your- self: "Why did he tell me that? What does he think my reaction should be? Was he being honest?" and so on.

The best negotiators almost always turn out to be the best listeners as well. Why does the correlation exist? Invariably, the best negotiators have been observing the communication skills, both verbal and nonverbal, of their counterparts. They have heard and noted how other negotiators effectively use word choice and sentence structure. They have also practiced listening for the vocal skills, such as the rate of speech, pitch, and tonal quality.

Experts on listening suggest that we all make at least one major listening mistake each day, and for negotiators, such mistakes can be costly. It seems obvious, but studies prove that the most successful salespeople are those who are able to uncover more needs than their less successful colleagues. This finding is significant, since sales- people make their living by negotiating.

Three Pitfalls of Listening

Negotiators tend to run into three pitfalls that hinder effective listening. First, many think that negotiating is primarily a job of persuasion, and to them persuasion means talking. These people see talking as an active role and listening as a passive role. They tend to forget that it is difficult to persuade other people when you don't know what motivates these people.

Second, people tend to over-prepare for what they are going to say and to use their listening time waiting for their next turn to speak. While anticipating their next change, they may miss vital information they could use later in the negotiation.

Third, we all have emotional filters or blinders that prevent us from hearing what we do not want to hear. In my early sales career, I seemed to always waste time with clients who I thought would buy printing from me but never did. Now I very seldom have that problem. What experience has shown me is that the people who used to waste my time had no intention of using my services. If I had been a better listener, I would have been able to pick up on their true feelings.

Attentive Listening Skills

Great listening does not come easily. It is hard work. There are two major types of listening skills, attentive and interactive. The following attention skills will help you better receive the true meanings your counterparts are trying to convey.

1. Be motivated to listen. When you know that the person with the most information usually receives the better outcome in a negotiation, you have an incentive to be a better listener. It is wise to set goals for all the different kinds of information you would like to receive from your counterpart. The more you can learn, the better if you will be. The real challenge comes when you need to motivate yourself to listen to someone you do not like.

2. If you must speak, ask questions. The goal is to get more specific and better refined information. To do so, you will have to continue questioning your counterpart. Your questioning sequence will be moving from the broad to the narrow, and eventually you will have the information to make the best decision. The second reason to continue asking questions is that it will help you uncover your counterpart's needs and wants.

3. Be alert to nonverbal cues. Although it is critical to listen to what is being said, it is equally important to understand the attitudes and motives behind the words. Remember, a negotiator doesn't usually put his or her entire message into words. While the person's verbal message may convey honesty and conviction, his or her gestures, facial expressions, and tone of voice may convey doubt.

4. Let your counterpart tell his or her story first. Many salespeople have learned the value of this advice from the school of hard knocks. One printing salesperson told me of how he had once tried to impress a new prospect by saying his company specialized in two- and four-color printing. The prospect then told the sales- person that she would not be doing business with his printing company because her business had a need for usually one-color printing. The salesperson replied that his company obviously did one-color printing also, but the prospect had already made her decision. Had the salesperson let the prospect speak first, he would have been able to tailor his presentation to satisfy her needs and wants.

5. Do not interrupt when your counterpart is speaking. Interrupting a speaker is not good business for two reasons. First, it is rude. Second, you may be cutting off valuable information that will help you at a later point in the negotiation. Even if your counterpart is saying something that is inaccurate; let him or her finish. If you really listen, you should gain valuable information to serve as the basis of your next question.

6. Fight off distractions. When you are negotiating, try to create a situation in which you can think clearly and avoid interruptions. Interruptions and distractions tend to prevent negotiations from proceeding smoothly or may even cause a setback. Employees, peers, children, animals, and phones can all distract you and force your eye off the goal. If you can, create a good listening environment.

1. Do not trust your memory. Write everything down. Any time someone tells you something in a negotiation, write it down. It is amazing how much conflicting information will come up at a later time. If you are able to correct your counterpart or refresh his or her memory with facts and figures shared with you in an earlier session, you will earn a tremendous amount of credibility and power. Writing things down may take a few minutes longer, but the results are well worth the time.

2. Listen with a goal in mind. If you have a listening goal, you can look for words and nonverbal cues that add information you are seeking. When you hear specific bits of information, such as your counterpart's willingness to concede on the price, you can expand with more specific questions.

3. Give your counterpart your undivided attention. It is important to look your counterpart in the eye when he or she is speaking. Your goal is to create a win/win outcome so that your counterpart will be willing to negotiate with you again. Thus, your counterpart needs to think you are a fair, honest, and a decent person. One way to help achieve this goal is to pay close attention to your counterpart. Look the person in the eyes when he or she is speak- ing. What message are the eyes sending? What message is his or her nonverbal behavior sending? Many experienced negotiators have found that with careful attention they can tell what their counterpart is really thinking and feeling. Is he or she lying or telling the truth? Is the person nervous and desperate to complete the negotiation? Careful attention and observation will help you determine your counterpart's true meaning.

4. React to the message, not to the person. As mentioned earlier, you want your counterpart to be willing to negotiate with you again. This won't happen if you react to the person and offend his or her dignity. It is helpful to try and understand why your counterpart says the things he or she does. Elaine Donaldson, a professor of psychology at the University of Michigan, says, "People do what they think they have to do in order to get what they think they want." This is true with negotiators. When we negotiate, we are trying to exchange a relationship. Your counterpart is trying to change it according to his or her best interests. If you were in your counterpart's shoes, you may do the same thing. If you are going to react, attack the message and not your counterpart personally.

5. Don't get angry. When you become angry, your counterpart has gained control in triggering your response. In the angry mode, you are probably not in the best frame of mind to make the best decisions. Emotions of any kind hinder the listening process. Anger especially interferes with the problem-solving process involved in negotiations. When you are angry, you tend to shut out your counterpart.

   If you are going to get angry, do it for the effect, but retain control of your emotions so you can keep control of the negotiations. Remember when Nikita Khrushchev pounded his shoe on the table in the United Nations? The effect worked well for him.

6. Remember, it is impossible to listen and speak at the same time. If you are speaking, you are tipping your hand and not getting the information you need from your counterpart. Obviously, you will have to speak at some point so that your counterpart can help meet your needs and goals, but it is more important for you to learn your counterpart's frame of reference. With information on your counterpart, you will be in control of the negotiation. And when you are in control, you will be acting and your counterpart will be reacting; it is usually better to be the one in the driver's seat.

Interactive Listening Skills

The second type of listening skills are those used to interact with the speaker. These skills help ensure that you understand what the sender is communicating, and they acknowledge the sender's feelings. Interactive skills include clarifying, verifying, and reflecting.

Clarifying

Clarifying is using facilitative questions to clarify information, get additional information, and explore all sides of an issue. Examples: "Can you clarify this?" "What specific information do you want?" "When do you want the report?"

Verifying

Verifying is paraphrasing the speaker's words to ensure understanding and to check meaning and interpretation with him or her. Examples: "As I understand it, your plan is..." "It sounds like you're saying..." "This is what you've decided and the reasons are..."

Reflecting

Reflecting is making empathetic remarks that acknowledge the speaker's feelings. If negotiators are to create win/win outcomes, they must be empathetic. Most people think of themselves as relatively empathetic. In fact, most of us easily feel empathy for others who are experiencing what we have experienced. But true empathy is a skill, not a memory. Negotiators who have developed the ability to empathize can display it even when encountering counterparts with whom they have little in common. The ability of a negotiator to empathize has been found to significantly affect the counterpart's behavior and attitudes.

To be empathetic, negotiators need to accurately perceive the content of the message. Second, they need to give attention to the emotional components and the unexpressed core meanings of the message. Finally, they need to attend to the feelings of the other, but remain detached, whereas a sympathetic individual would adopt those feelings as his or her own. Empathy involves understanding and relating to another's feelings. Examples: "I can see that you were frustrated because..." "You felt that you didn't get a fair shake." "You seem very confident that you can do a great job for..."

To truly practice reflective listening, you must make no judgments and pass along no opinions or provide any solutions. You simply acknowledge the sender's emotional content. Examples:

Sender: "How do you expect me to complete the project by next Monday?"

Reflective response: "It sounds like you are overwhelmed by your increased workload."

Or

Sender: "Hey Mary, what's the idea of not approving my requisition for a new filing cabinet?"

Reflective response: "You sound really upset over not getting your request approved."

The goal of reflective listening is to acknowledge the emotion that your counterpart has conveyed and to reflect back the content using different words. Example:

Sender: "I can't believe you want me to do the job in less than a week."

Reflective response: "You sound stressed about the amount of time it will take to complete the job."

If your reflective response is constructed properly, the natural reaction from your counterpart will be to provide more explanation and information. Here are some key points you will find helpful in learning to be empathetic.

1. Recognize and identify emotions. Most inexperienced negotiators are not adept at recognizing the myriad emotions. You will find it easier to identify others' emotions if you can easily identify your own. Are you frustrated, stressed, angry, happy, sad, nervous?

2. Rephrase the content. If you restate your counterpart's comments word for word, he or she will believe you are parroting him or her. Doing so not only sounds awkward, it will make your counterpart angry. The key is to restate the content using different words.

3. Make noncommittal responses. A good way to start reflective statements is with such phrases as "It sounds like..." "It appears that..." "It seems like..." These phrases work well because they are noncommittal. If you blatantly state, "You are angry be- cause..." most people will proceed to tell you why you are in- correct.

4. Make educated guesses. Recently I was involved in a negotiation in which one negotiator told his counterpart that the other had submitted a ridiculous offer in an attempt to buy his company. The negotiator responded, "It almost sounds like you are insulted by my offer." The counterpart replied, "Not insulted, just shocked." Although the negotiator was not entirely accurate in his assessment of his counterpart's emotion, it was a good educated guess.

In conclusion, when you want to improve your listening skills, a good rule to remember is that God gave you two ears and one mouth--you should use them in their respective proportions. To succeed in negotiations, you must understand the needs, wants, and motivations of your counterpart. To understand those needs, you must hear. To hear, you must listen.

(Reprinted with permission from IT'S NEGOTIABLE, by P.B. Stark. Copyright 1994)

Here's a quote for you:

"You can see a lot, just by listening."
(Yogi Berra)

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Subject: Willing a Change
From: Kerrie

Hello,

It has been a long time since I posted. I am lurking around. This topic is one that I have been reading, the following are only my opinions and what is working for me. This does not mean that it will work for anyone else. If anyone wants to read it or try it - good luck.

For me, in May, my antidepressant medications turned on me and at the present time I am not on medication. If someone is on antidepressants, they should stay there until they are told to stop. Medication is something that can help - it took me a long struggle to get to that realization because I hate any type of drugs - but they have a place. For me, Remeron was what cleared my head to a certain degree, allowed me to get some sleep, pulled me out of the depression to a point that I could see a few things. It did not stop the destructive behavior though.

Willing a change - making the decision that you want to win over this illness is the first step. Everyone here on this list has made that decision in some sort of way or they would not be here. That is willing a change.

Willing a change - making a decision to take your antidepressant medication in order to fight this depression / illness is willing a change to a certain degree.

Willing a change - is getting up in the morning - whether it be to go to work or walk around the house is fighting this illness.

Willing a change - is taking the tools that the professionals give us and using them. If you are on antidepressant medication - taking them. If you are in counseling - going. If you need help that day - reaching out.

Willing a change - is reaching out and deciding that things are not good and things need to change, that you want to fight. No matter what degree you do this if you make any effort you are working towards getting better and beating this illness - that is willing a change.

For me, the turning point was finding my true God and accepting His forgiveness for the horrible things that I had done and developing a desire to change my behavior and thus change my outlook on things. Taking a look at the people around me and discovering that change is possible, taking a good look at myself and discovering that change is possible.

Is this willing a change? No, this is consciously making a decision to turn my life around and fight what is wrong with me. Does that mean that there are not days that I still do things that are destructive? No, it means that the things that I do are less destructive. Instead of doing things that I did in the past, when that desire comes over me, I go and talk to someone. Instead of going back to the past sins/compulsions, I tell not only God but my friend and in telling them, it puts it out on the table and makes the compulsion come into the light where I can see it for what it really is - wrong. It is something that will send me back into the darkness that I am daily struggling to stay out of. It is something that I want to beat.

Checking your thinking. I check my thinking each and every minute. I almost took on a project that could have sent me back to where I used to be. I talked it out with honesty. I was rationalizing that there were failsafes in place and things would be okay. But my husband was right - even with the failsafes, it could happen in a moment of weakness. I do not want to take that chance. This is willing a change.

My husband has been beaten down by my illness and my refusal in the past to get help. If many of you remember my postings this spring every time he did something to hurt (me). I have made a conscious effort to will myself to be supportive of him no matter what he does. We are separated and in the process of divorce. This is not easy and there have been times that it has beaten me down and I thought that I was not going to make it. Going back, and not caring, looked really good. I pulled out some things and read them - this is willing a change.

To me, willing a change is doing things that are good for you in the long run and fighting this illness. Not giving up is willing a change.

Kerrie:

A person who is working on forgiveness and letting go of all things whether I have done them to myself or they have been done to me because it is an act of will. Hebrews 8:12 says 'Therefore, we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin that so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us. 'Mark 11:25-26 says 'And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses.' Phil 3:13 ....forgetting those things which are behind and reaching foreword to those things which are ahead.'

A person who is searching for self and working on her relationship with self, God and other people.

Change occurs when one becomes and accepts what she really is, not when she tries to become what she is not.

There are many important ideas here for depressed people.
This young lady is doing the things that it takes to
make her life better. You can too.

Successful Living is doing the things that it takes
to make our lives better.

(this letter was posted on an internet mood disorder bulletin board)

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Chapter 81 of the book Self-Help Stuff That Works

by Adam Khan:

Would you like to turn your job into a spiritual discipline? Check out:
Getting Paid to Meditate

Do you feel overwhelmed with things to do? Do you constantly feel that you don't have enough time? Check out:
Having the Time

Many students from around the world have e-mailed me about becoming a therapist. "What do I need to learn?" they ask. One of the most important tasks of "insight" therapists is to understand and appreciate subtext. What is subtext? It is between-the-lines communication that convey powerful messages indirectly. Subtext affects all relationships, and is especially critical in child-rearing. Do you have an aptitude for subtext? Does the concept interest you? Here's a simple exercise.

Consider the well-known and beloved Robert Frost poem, "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening":

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

(from Immortal Poems of the English Language, Washington Square Press, 1969)

Now, take a minute and re-read the poem, this time looking for subtext (between-the-lines meaning).

What did you find?

On the surface the story is simple: a man stops by the woods, is enticed by the beauty and peace of his environs, and then moves on. A therapist, however, hears something entirely different. In subtext, the poem is much darker: a man stops by the woods, thinks about whether to commit suicide, but ultimately decides to move on.

What are the subtextual clues? There are many:

• The man knows he is not being watched.
• The horse is confused why the man would stop in such a out of the way place.
• The "darkest" evening of the year has a double meaning: lack of light and blackest mood.
• The woods are "lovely, dark, and deep" suggesting the thought of ending his life is enticing.
• "And miles to go before I sleep" is repeated twice. A poet of Frost's skill would not simply repeat a line to fill space and maintain rhythm. The lines have two different meanings: he is a long way from home, and, he has decided his life's journey is not yet over.

Any one clue, by itself, would not justify an interpretation, but together they form compelling subtext. Once understood, the poem literally snaps into focus. Indeed, Frost suffered from serious depression his whole adult life, so it is not surprising that he would write poetry about suicidal feelings. Of course, unlike Frost, clients are often unaware of the subtext of their own stories; therapists have to help them discover it.

Does this kind of reading (listening) intrigue you? People often present the same kind of puzzle as Frost's poem. Their words tell one story, but underneath, another tale, often darker and more compelling, lies in wait. If you are interested in discovering the subtext of people's lives, you would probably enjoy the work of a therapist.

(Thanks to Walter Lundahl, my 12th grade English teacher in Huntington, N.Y., who introduced me to this poem and its interpretation.)

About the author: Dr. Grossman is a clinical psychologist and author of the Voicelessness and Emotional Survival web site.

next: Therapy on the High Seas: A Search for Self

10 Ways to Maximize Your Personal and Professional Potential

"Wise and powerful guidelines that will help
lead you to the life you deserve!"

Og Mandino, Bestselling Author
The Greatest Salesman in the World

Success doesn't happen by accident. . .

It's predictable!

In the "First Book of LifeSkills" you will learn:

• Success strategies that enlighten and empower.

• Valuable insights on developing close personal and business relationships.

• Inspiring thoughts and powerful ideas about living life to its fullest and being the best you can be.

• How to multiply your personal effectiveness by developing a network that supports you and your goals.

• How to increase productivity, profitability and your personal prosperity.

• How to find inspiration and motivation from within. . . not without.

• The value and the tremendous benefits of business networking.

• How to be accountable for the choices you make and how to accept responsibility for the consequences of your actions.

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• How to acknowledge others for their contribution to you; saying "Thank You" in special ways.

• . . . Plus more than 160 quips and quotes from successful people that will motivate and inspire you to action!

"This is a highly thought-provoking book that can help anyone determine the areas in their lives which needs fine tuning and get moving on making those positive changes."

Tom Hopkins, Professional Speaker/Author,
How to Master the Art of Selling

"The First Book of LifeSkills" was Larry's first book. It was adapted from his popular seminar, "Networking: Making the Right Connections." Larry James is an example of what he speaks and writes about. On June 4, 1985, he founded "The Tulsa Business Connection" considered by many to be one of the most successful business networking groups in Oklahoma. While living in Tulsa he assisted in the development of 9 other networking groups. Larry has been called "America's Guru of Networking!"

Larry began selling Grit Newspapers when he was 10 years old. During his selling career, he has been a sales associate, sales manager, sales trainer, consultant and coach to thousands of people.

"Larry James has charted a terrific guide for personal and professional excellence. Easy to read and simple to apply, any of us can find great value in the wisdom of his work."

Nido R. Qubein, Chairman,
Creative Services, Inc.

This book is devoted to the process of developing close personal and business relationships that work. It is a book committed to persaonal development and career management. It's about skills that you must fine-tune in order for your life to work better. It explores skills, abilities, values, concepts, new thoughts, ways of being and behaviors that are necessary to maximize your personal and professional potential.

There is something here for everyone, whether you are in sales or management, network marketing, a mother, a father, in school, out of school, or a household executive. (NOTE: More than 52,000 people in network marketing have benefited from this book since it was re-released in September, 1998).

No matter what or where you are in life, you will find that "The First Book of LifeSkills" can make a contribution to you personally and professionally.

Chapter V. . . Be Yourself!

Demonstrate your own authenticity. Be unto others as you would have them be unto you.

Be yourself! Integrity is the issue here. Shakespeare said, "To thine own self be true." Stop pretending! Quit being a phoney! Be real. People like to be around people who are real.

People who are being themselves are truly comfortable with themselves, have a healthy self image and are less concerned about what people think of them than most other people. They enjoy living life like an adventure! Being yourself demonstrates self-confidence.

Copyright © MCMXCVIII - Larry James.
From the book "The First Book of LifeSkills: 10 Ways to Maximize Your Personal and Professional Potential."

next: LifeWords. . . . . for Success!