Sunday, November 5, 2006

Building Better Business Relationships

So, what about business relationships? They are important too.

Since 1987 I have been presenting business relationships seminars nationwide. There are several ways to maintain your business relationships. One of the best is through networking.

To begin, let's look at a carefully worded definition of business networking. . .

Networking is. . . using your creative talents to help others achieve their goals as you cultivate a network of people strategically positioned to support you in your goals. . . expecting nothing in return! - Larry James

Having a clear understanding of the definition of networking is a prerequisite for networking success. What you put out to the universe, always comes back to you! Disappointment may follow if you expect a return from the person to whom you have contributed.

Networking is about building supportive personal and business relationships; it's consistently meeting new people and making new friends, sharing ideas and having lots of fun in the process!

Making a commitment is often most difficult when you are not sure of what you want to accomplish from your networking adventures. That is why the first commitment is so important.

Commitment #1 - Blueprint Your Life! - No Purpose. No Goals. First, define your purpose. Know Purpose! Know Goals! Design your future by setting goals. Decide what you want.

Commitment #2 - Accept Responsibility! - Be accountable to yourself for the choices you make and for the consequences of your actions.

Commitment #3 - Be Coachable! - Listen for and be open to new ideas and suggestions others in your network of support may offer.

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Commitment #4 - Show Up! - Be places that count. Make an encounter. Don't expect a quick fix. Get involved in charitable and community projects, but choose wisely. Not all events will be valuable to you. Be seen. Attend business and professional meetings. Networking opportunities are everywhere! Begin local, then expand nationally.

Commitment #5 - Be Yourself! - Demonstrate your own authenticity. Be unto others as you would have them be unto you. Be real.

Commitment #6 - Pay attention! - Look for opportunity! Talk 20% of the time! Listen 80% of the time!

Commitment #7 - Contribute! - Be the solution! Networking is contribution; it's helping others help themselves! Allow others to contribute to you!

Commitment #8 - Ask For What You Want! - Tell people what you need. They can't read your mind.

Commitment #9 - Say "Thank You!" - Express appreciation. Acknowledge others for their contribution to you. Be creative with your gratitude!

Commitment #10 - Stay Connected! - Be in touch! Network on the phone, by e-mail and frequent notes. Never forget the people in your network of support and never let them forget you!

Now. . . get out there! How much networking you do is up to you. It's a good idea to put some effort into expanding your collection of contacts all the time. Don't wait until you need something. You must first give. The getting comes second!

Always remember the five most important words you can say while networking:

How may I help YOU?

There are two types of people - those who come into a room and say, "Well, here I am," and those who come in and say, "Ah, there you are!" - Frederick Collins

next: New Things are Happening!

Navigating the System: Tips for Getting Treatment

Eating disorders can lead to significant physiological changes that require medical treatment in addition to psychiatric treatment and the reimbursement system does not allow for a holistic approach. For this reason, patients and families frequently have to fight to get the appropriate and necessary treatment.

Eating Disorders are very serious, potentially life-threatening problems. The current mental health care system's reimbursement policies and 'managed care' guidelines make it very difficult for eating disordered patients to receive treatment. These illnesses can have multiple causes, with possible physical or genetic predisposing factors, in addition to multiple psychological issues. The illness process leads to significant physiological changes requiring medical treatment in addition to psychiatric treatment but the reimbursement system does not allow for a holistic approach, wherein the costs of treatment might be more fairly shared between medical and psychiatric insurance benefits. Furthermore, some companies have very specific and inadequate guidelines for treatment, which fall far short of the current recommendations by the American Psychiatric Association (2000). Consequently, patients, families, and practitioners frequently have to fight to get the appropriate and necessary treatment. The following suggestions may help.

1. The most important first step is to have a complete assessment. This includes a medical evaluation to rule out any other physical cause for the eating disorder symptoms, to assess the impact the illness has had to date, and to determine whether immediate medical intervention is needed. See Table 1 for specific tests. Equally important is the mental health assessment, preferably by an eating disorder expert to provide a full diagnostic picture. Many people with eating disorders have other problems as well including depression, trauma, obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety, or chemical dependence. This assessment will determine what level of care is needed (inpatient eating disorder treatment, outpatient, partial hospital, residential) and what professionals should be involved in the treatment.

2. Pursue the recommended level of care. Ask your insurance company, HMO, and health care providers for recommendations for programs or specialists.

3. Find out about local resources for treatment by calling the National Eating Disorders Association Information and Referral Helpline at (800) 931-2237 or visit the "Referral" area of the web site www.NationalEatingDisorders.org.

4. If your company does not provide a benefit for the recommended level of care (some policies have inpatient and outpatient, but no residential or partial hospital benefit), ask them to 'flex the inpatient benefit.' Appeal this to the medical director of the company if you are denied. Also, speak to your employer, union, or human resources department. As they pay for your coverage, they can pressure the company to provide the needed service. Have your physician or specialist who evaluated your loved one write a letter documenting the level of care needed.

5. Record the date/time/name of all your communications with the insurance company. Put your requests in writing if they are initially denied. Keep copies of everything.

6. Insurance and managed care companies are governed by state laws but most states mandate an appeals process. Usually, you must file an "internal appeal" with the company. First, request a letter from the company stating that they have denied the coverage you are seeking. (You need this denial in writing). Also request an explanation of their appeals process. Read the membership book from the insurance or managed care company - if the service you need is clearly excluded, appealing the denial will be pointless. A letter to the medical director documenting the need for treatment and risks of not receiving it may, however, cause the company to re-examine their policy.

7. If this is unsuccessful, write to the state insurance commission and/or speak to an attorney. Provide copies of all documentation.

8. Consider getting the care recommended by arranging to self-pay, while you continue to pursue reimbursement.

9. If the insurance company approves treatment, but not in a specialized program, appeal this decision. Or, ask that the treating clinicians obtain supervision and training from experts in eating disorders. If this treatment does not result in significant improvement, ask that specialists provide further treatment.

10. If you have no insurance, local mental health clinics or departments of psychiatry at medical schools may be useful resources. Also, you can apply for state assistance, Medicaid, through your local Department of Social Services or for Medicare if you meet the criteria for disability. There are some research programs, which provide treatment for no cost, but you must meet strict criteria. Contact your local major universities or medical schools to find any local research or studies for eating disorders. Research studies are often posted on the National Eating Disorders Association web site www.NationalEatingDisorders.org.

11. Visit the following web sites for other information about eating disorders or to join in their advocacy efforts:

www.NationalEatingDisorders.org - National Eating Disorders Association sponsors outreach programs, treatment referrals, advocacy, and informational literature.

www.EatingDisordersCoalition.org - Several organizations have formed the Eating Disorders Coalition for Research, Policy and Action to improve access to care and funding for Eating Disorders at the federal level.

www.aedweb.org - The Academy for Eating Disorders is a professional organization with a membership directory of eating disorders specialists.

www.AnnaWestinFoundation.org - The Foundation provides education and advocacy for the treatment of eating disorders.

www.MentalHealthScreening.org - The National Mental Illness Screening Project sponsors an annual screening program for eating disorders.

Eating disorders are serious health conditions that can be both physically and emotionally destructive. People with eating disorders need to seek professional help. Early diagnosis and intervention significantly enhances recovery. If not identified or treated in their early stages, eating disorders can become chronic, debilitating, and even life-threatening conditions.

Treatment is Available. Recovery is Possible.

What does treatment involve?

The most effective and long-lasting treatment for an eating disorder is some form of psychotherapy or psychological counseling, coupled with careful attention to medical and nutritional needs. Ideally, this treatment should be tailored to the individual and will vary according to both the severity of the disorder and the patient's particular problems, needs, and strengths.

• Psychological counseling must address both the eating disorder symptoms and the underlying psychological, interpersonal, and cultural forces that contributed to the eating disorder. Typically care is provided by a licensed health professional, including but not limited to a psychologist, psychiatrist, social worker, nutritionist, and/or medical doctor. Care should be coordinated and provided by a health professional with expertise and experience in dealing with eating disorders.
• Many people with eating disorders respond to outpatient therapy, including individual, group, or family therapy and medical management by their primary care provider. Support groups, nutritional counseling, and psychiatric medications under careful medical supervision have also proven helpful for some individuals.
• Hospital Based Care (including inpatient, partial hospitalization, intensive outpatient and/or residential care in an eating disorders specialty unit or facility) is necessary when an eating disorder has led to physical problems that may be life-threatening, or when it is associated with severe psychological or behavioral problems.
• The exact treatment needs of each individual will vary. It is important for individuals struggling with an eating disorder to find a health professional they trust to help coordinate and oversee their care.

Questions to Ask When Considering Treatment Options

There are various approaches to eating disorders treatment. It is important to find an option that is most effective for your needs.

There are many differing approaches to the treatment of eating disorders. No one approach is considered superior for everyone, however, it is important to find an option that is most effective for your needs. The following is a list of questions you might want to ask when contacting eating disorder support services. These questions apply to an individual therapist, treatment facility, other eating disorder support services, or any combination of treatment options.

1. How long have you been treating eating disorders?
2. How are you licensed? What are your training credentials?
3. What is your treatment style? Please note that there are many different types of treatment styles available. Different approaches to treatment may be more or less appropriate for you dependent upon your individual situation and needs.
4. What kind of evaluation process will be used in recommending a treatment plan?
5. What kind of medical information do you need? Will I need a medical evaluation before entering the program?
6. What is your appointment availability? Do you offer after-work or early morning appointments? How long do the appointments last? How often will we meet?
7. How long will the treatment process take? When will we know it's time to stop treatment?
8. Are you reimbursable by my insurance? What if I don't have insurance or mental health benefits under my health care plan? It is important for you to research your insurance coverage policy and what treatment alternatives are available in order for you and your treatment provider to design a treatment plan that suits your coverage.
9. Ask the facility to send information brochures, treatment plans, treatment prices, etc. The more information the facility is able to send in writing, the better informed you will be.

With a careful search, the provider you select will be helpful. But, if the first time you meet with him or her is awkward, don't be discouraged. The first few appointments with any treatment provider are often challenging. It takes time to build up trust in someone with whom you are sharing highly personal information. If you continue to feel that you need a different therapeutic environment, you may need to consider other providers.

Suggested Medical Tests

Compiled for the National Eating Disorders Association by Margo Maine, PhD

A complete medical assessment is important when diagnosing eating disorders. Talk with your doctor about performing specific laboratory tests.

With eating disorders, the most important first step toward diagnosis and recovery is to have a complete assessment. This includes a medical evaluation to rule out any other physical cause for the symptoms, to assess the impact the illness has had to date, and to determine whether immediate medical intervention is needed. (See Table 1 for specific tests.) Equally important is the mental health assessment, preferably by an eating disorder expert to provide a full diagnostic picture. Many people with eating disorders have other problems as well, including depression, trauma, obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety, or chemical dependence. This assessment will determine what level of care is needed (inpatient eating disorder treatment, outpatient, partial hospital, residential) and what professionals should be involved in the treatment.

TABLE 1--Recommended Laboratory Tests

Standard

• Complete Blood Count (CBC) with differential
• Urinalysis
• Complete Metabolic Profile: Sodium, Chloride, Potassium, Glucose, Blood Urea Nitrogen, Creatinine, Total Protein, Albumin, Globulin, Calcium, Carbon Dioxide, AST, Alkaline Phosphates, Total Bilirubin
• Serum magnesium Thyroid Screen (T3, T4, TSH)
• Electrocardiogram (ECG)

Special Circumstances

15% or more below ideal body weight (IBW)

• Chest X-Ray
• Complement 3 (C3)
• 24 Creatinine Clearance
• Uric Acid

20% or more below IBW or any neurological sign

• Brain Scan

20% or more below IBW or sign of mitral valve prolapse

• Echocardiogram

30% or more below IBW

• Skin Testing for Immune Functioning

Weight loss 15% or more below IBW lasting 6 months or longer at any time during course of eating disorder

• Dual Energy X-Ray Absorptiometry (DEXA) to assess bone mineral density
• Estadiol Level (or testosterone in males)

TABLE 2--Criteria for Level of Care

Inpatient

Medically Unstable

• Unstable or depressed vital signs
• Laboratory findings presenting acute risk
• Complications due to coexisting medical problems such as diabetes

Psychiatrically Unstable

• Symptoms worsening at rapid rate
• Suicidal and unable to contract for safety

Residential

• Medically stable so does not require intensive medical interventions
• Psychiatrically impaired and unable to respond to partial hospital or outpatient treatment

Partial Hospital

Medically stable

• Eating disorder may impair functioning but not causing immediate acute risk
• Needs daily assessment of physiological and mental status

Psychiatrically stable

• Unable to function in normal social, educational, or vocational situations
• Daily binge eating, purging, severely restricted intake, or other pathogenic weight control techniques

Intensive Outpatient/Outpatient

Medically stable

• No longer needs daily medical monitoring

Psychiatrically stable

• Symptoms in sufficient control to be able to function in normal social, educational, or vocational situations and continue to make progress in eating disorder recovery.

next: Eating Disorders Self-Help
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November 21st is the opening of a new chapter in my life. Someone very wonderful and special has come into my life and we plan to be married on that date.

We first began seeing each other in August of 1997, and quickly became good friends. We went to concerts together, movies, dancing, and in general, we just began to enjoy being companions on the road of life together.

I've come to the conclusion that healthy love is maintaining a close friendship, giving and receiving mutual respect, granting each other the little common courtesies, giving and receiving compliments and encouragement, and taking time out together just to relax and have fun.

While that definition sounds easy, it's actually easier to let these things slip. It requires discipline to keep doing the right things over the long term. And because I love and respect my new wife-to-be, I'm committed to embracing this definition of love and keeping my love for her fresh and alive in our relationship. The things I mention above are the glue of our relationship. We both recognize that if we start to ignore these fundamentals aspects of love, then our relationship will likewise begin falling apart.

Both of us have been through a previous divorce. Both of us know what we want and what we don't want. Both of us have a keen sense of how healthy relationships work. Both of us want this marriage to last 'til death do us part.

Seeking and finding companionship and friendship is normal and healthy. It's part of what helps a person grow emotionally, spiritually, and socially. My time of healing and being on my own is over. It's time for me to move on and let go of the failures of the past. It's time for me to take my lessons learned and apply them to the wonderful new relationship that has come into my life. I embrace and accept the love that life has brought me.

Thank you, God for healthy relationships. Thank you for healthy love and showing me that love can be a wonderful, fulfilling experience. Help me to be the right person and to do the right things that will keep this love vibrant, refreshing, and new. Amen.

next: Recovery, Love and My Marriage

Overview of aromatherapy as a natural remedy for depression and whether aromatherapy works in treating depression.

What is Aromatherapy?

Aromatherapy usually involves gentle massage with special scented oils. It may also involve the presence of particular aromas from the heating of essential oils in a room. An essential oil is a liquid that is distilled from the scented parts of a plant.

How does Aromatherapy work?

The way essential oils work on the brain is not understood, although it has been shown that they can have an effect on the brain's electrical activity. It is thought that most of the effect enters the brain through the sense of smell. With massage there may be an effect through the skin as well.

Is it effective? / Aromatherapy benefits

There have been no studies looking at the effects of aromas alone on people suffering from depression. There is some weak evidence that the effects of massage on depression may be enhanced by the addition of essential oils to the massage oil.

Are there any disadvantages?

None known.

Where do you get it?

Aromatherapists are listed in the Yellow Pages. Many shops sell aromatherapy oils.

Recommendation - Massage Therapy for Depression

Massage therapy looks promising as a treatment for depression. However, there is not enough research to say whether essential oils enhance its effects.

Key references

Field TM. Massage therapy effects. American Psychologist 1998; 53: 1270-81.

back to: Alternative Treatments for Depression

Interview with Dr. Fred Stern, The Rainbow Maker, who creates natural rainbows in the sky as large as 2000 feet across for events in support of world peace and global unity.

Fred Stern, the Rainbow Maker

Dr. Stern is an internationally recognized innovator in public art. He has served as Associate Professor of Sculpture at Pratt Institute, and as Associate Professor of Visual Arts at New York University, the University of Maryland and the Instituto De Allende in Mexico.

Stern has received five major awards from the National Endowment for the Arts and grants from many local and private agencies to support his work. He was the first artist to receive an Art in Public Places Individual Artist Award from the Endowment, for his rainbow work.

He has created natural man-made rainbows as large as 2000 feet across for the cities of Austin, Baltimore, Columbus Junction, Iowa, Chicago, El Paso, Huntington, Long Island, Klamath Falls, Oregon, Las Cruces, Miami, New York City, Salt Lake City, San Francisco, Santa Fe and Silver City, NM. In 1992, Stern created a series of rainbows at the U.N. sanctioned Earth Summit in Rio de Janeiro. In 1995, he presented his rainbow work, "Keshet Sheket," a Holocaust Memorial, as the opening piece for the Eutopia Festival in Potsdam Germany. This past summer he presented his work at the Stockholm Water Festival and created a moon rainbow for terminally ill children at Camp Sundown in New York.

In 1996, in conjunction with Japanese National Television, he accomplished a long-term dream of creating a rainbow over the United Nations Building in New York. In this monumental piece, he raised what he sees, as the Planet's or God's true flag, over the flags of all nations, establishing a visual metaphor for Global Unity and World Peace.

Upcoming events include a rainbow for an Arab-Israeli Peace Conference in Haifa, Israel and a rainbow for the Hague Appeal for Peace in Holland.

Stern's rainbow work involves the creation of an artificial rainfall using fire truck or fire boats, pumping water into the air. The water drops refract the sunlight and establish the rainbow. A computer program is used to determine the optimal time, position and spray parameters for the rainbow generation.

Although his rainbow work began as Conceptual Sculptural Pieces, they have become Public Art works serving as a visual metaphor for global unity and world peace. As an artist, Stern combines a visual sensibility with an ethical responsibility in the realization of his work.

In addition to his rainbow work, Stern has become a vital force on the Internet through a series of web sites. The central one is http://www.rainbowmaker.us/. His work has been featured in the newly released book, "The Book of Rainbows" by Richard Whelan, First Glance Books, Cobb, Ca.

Stern has coordinated groups of artists in the presentation of public works for The International Sculpture Conference in Washington, D.C. and The Primer Gran Festival De Dos Culturas in Mexico. He served as an advisor and participant to the New York Annual Avant Garde Festival for more than 10 years.

Tammie: What moved you to begin creating rainbows?

Fred: I was working as an artist in Baltimore teaching at the University of Maryland. Much of my work involved large scale public art works. I was looking at how to make a large scale piece in an urban environment, easily. I came up with the concept of the rainbow. I saw it as sculptural. It was 3-d and it had a sense of the aesthetic. It just was not permanent. The first one was in 1978.

Tammie: You've traveled all over the world creating rainbows and I know that countless individuals who've experienced them have been profoundly moved. I'm wondering though if there's a particular event that you've participated in that has most moved you.

Fred: The Earth Summit in Rio in 1992. There were over a thousand children that came with banners to see the rainbow. There was no sun as they were arriving. Then when the last of the kids got to the beach the sun broke out. I can still hear them shouting, "Arco Iris" as the rainbow was sailed along the beach. When the event was completed the sun went back behind the clouds.

The other was the rainbow over the United Nations building in 92. That one took three years to realize, but it allowed the rainbow - the "planet's flag"- to be flown above the flags of all nations.

Tammie: You were quoted in the National Examiner as saying, "The most profound and enlightening things in life are always the simplest and most pure." I was hoping that you might elaborate on that.

Fred: What can be simpler than the way nature creates a rainbow. Individual droplets of water refracting the sun's rays. My work is nothing more than art imitating nature.

Tammie: You've consistently called upon artists to make statements with global messages. What do you see the role of the artist being in increasing consciousness?

Fred: I don't like the word consciousness. I feel that, in many ways, we are in a state of metamorphosis, moving from a life-destroying to a life-preserving species. The leadership for this metamorphosis can come from the religious leaders, the business community, the politicians or the scientists. They all have other agendas. The leadership must, of necessity, come from the artists since they are the only ones who can speak in a nonverbal language.

Tammie: Tears came to my eyes when I envisioned the deep and profound feelings that were inspired as your "Silent Rainbow" appeared over a German sky serving as a memorial to the holocaust victims. What was going on inside of you during this sacred moment as your rainbow arched over you?

Fred: Unfortunately, I was concerned about the positioning of the boats' hoses and communicating with the Captain of the boat by walkie-talkie. I am not too present at my rainbows, lots of details to deal with.

I was raised Jewish, although like you, I do not practice. Going to Germany to open a festival entitled "Eutopia," I had no choice but to become a Jewish Artist. The piece entitled "Keshet Sheket, The Silent Rainbow," moves me now even as I write it.

The last time someone spoke of Germany and Eutopia, it was Hitler. My position was to make sure that we truly understood a Utopian goal in a German context.

Tammie: How has becoming a global citizen rather than simply a United States citizen shaped your life?

Fred: I am not sure I am a global citizen. I am just an idealist who believes if national boundaries were torn down, our world would have a better chance. Maybe not even an idealist, maybe just naive.

Tammie: Gandhi said that, "my life is my message." What is the message of your life?

Fred: This one brings a tear to my eyes as I struggle with it. My message is to believe in our children and the future of our world. The message of my life is about growing and becoming more able to love and be present and to not know anything about anything, to just be lead to learn better to read the signposts along the way.

You can visit Fred's extraordinary Website by following this link.

next:On Transformation, Medicine, and Shape Shifting with Dr. Eve Bruce

• Watch the video on Narcissists Love

Question:

Why does the narcissist react with rage to gestures or statements of love?

Answer:

Nothing is more hated by the narcissist than the sentence "I Love You". It evokes in him almost primordial reactions. It provokes him to uncontrollable rage. Why is that?

1. The narcissist hates women virulently and vehemently. A misogynist, he identifies being loved with being possessed, encroached upon, shackled, transformed, reduced, exploited, weakened, engulfed, digested and excreted. To him love is a dangerous pursuit.
2. Being loved means being known intimately. The narcissist likes to think that he is so unique and deep that he can never be fathomed. The narcissist believes that he is above mere human understanding and empathy, that he is one of a kind (sui generis). To say to him "I love you", means to negate this feeling, to try to drag him to the lowest common denominator, to threaten his sense of uniqueness. After all, everyone is capable of loving and everyone, even the basest human beings, fall in love. To the narcissist loving is an animalistic and pathological behaviour - exactly like sex.
3. The narcissist knows that he is a con artist, a fraud, an elaborate hoax, a script, hollow and really non-existent. The person who claims to love him is either lying (what is there to love in a narcissist?) - or a self-deceiving, clinging, and immature codependent. The narcissist cannot tolerate the thought that he has chosen a liar or an idiot for a mate. Indirectly, her declaration of love is a devastating critique of the narcissist's own powers of judgement.

The narcissist hates love - however and wherever it is manifested.

Thus, for instance, when his spouse demonstrates her love to their children, he wishes them all ill. He is so pathologically envious of his spouse that he wishes she never existed. Being a tad paranoid, he also nurtures the growing conviction that she is showing love to her children demonstrably and on purpose, to remind him how miserable he is, how deficient, how deprived and discriminated against.

He regards her interaction with their children to be a provocation, an assault on his emotional welfare and balance. Seething envy, boiling rage and violent thoughts form the flammable concoction in the narcissist's mind whenever he sees other people happy.

Many people naively believe that they can cure the narcissist by engulfing him with love, acceptance, compassion and empathy. This is not so. The only time a transformative healing process occurs is when the narcissist experiences a severe narcissistic injury, a life crisis.

Forced to shed his malfunctioning defences, an ephemeral window of vulnerability is formed through which therapeutic intervention can try and sneak in.

The narcissist is susceptible to treatment only when his defences are down because they had failed to secure a steady stream of Narcissistic Supply. The narcissist's therapy aims to wean him off Narcissistic Supply.

But the narcissist perceives other people's love and compassion as forms of Narcissistic Supply!

It is a lose-lose proposition:

If therapy is successful and the narcissist is rid of his addiction to narcissistic supply - he is rendered incapable of giving and receiving love, which he regards as a variety of said supply.

The roles of Narcissistic Supply should be clearly distinguished from those of an emotional bond (such as love), though.

Narcissistic Supply has to do with the functioning of the narcissist's primitive defence mechanisms. The emotional component in the narcissist's psyche is repressed, dysfunctional, and deformed. It is subconscious - the narcissist is not aware of his own emotions and is out of touch with his feelings.

The narcissist pursues Narcissistic Supply as a junkie seeks drugs. Junkies can forms emotional "bonds" but these are always subordinate to their habit. Their emotional interactions are the victims of their habits, as their children and spouses can attest.

It is impossible to have any real, meaningful, or lasting emotional relationship with the narcissist until his primitive defence mechanisms crumble and are discarded. Dysfunctional interpersonal relationships are one of the hallmarks of other personality disorders aswell.

To help the narcissist:

1. Cut him from his Sources of Supply and thus precipitate a narcissistic crisis or injury;
2. Use this window of opportunity and convince the narcissist to attend structured therapy in order to help him mature emotionally;
3. Encourage him in his emotional, self-forming baby steps.

"Emotional" liaisons which co-exist with the narcissist's narcissistic defence mechanisms are part of the narcissistic theatrical repertoire, fake and doomed. The narcissist's defence mechanisms render him a serial monogamist or a non-committal playboy.

The narcissist is unlikely to get rid of his defence mechanisms on his own. He does not employ them because he needs them - but because he knows no different. They proved useful in his infancy. They were adaptive in an abusive environment. Old tricks and old habits die hard.

The narcissist has a disorganised personality [Kernberg]. He may improve and emotionally mature in order to avoid the pain of certain or recurrent narcissistic injuries.

When narcissists do come to therapy, it is to try and alleviate some of what has become an intolerable pain. None of them goes to therapy because he wants to better interact with others. Love is important - but to fully enjoy its emotional benefits, first the narcissist must heal.

next: Vindictive Narcissists

• Watch the video on Narcissist's Reaction to Criticism

Question:

How do narcissists react to criticism?

Answer:

The narcissist is forever trapped in the unresolved conflicts of his childhood (including the famous Oedipus Complex). This compels him to seek resolution by re-enacting these conflicts with significant others. But he is likely to return to the Primary Objects in his life (parents, authority figures, role models, or caregivers) to do either of two:

1. To "re-charge" the conflict "battery", or
2. When unable to re-enact the conflict with another.

The narcissist relates to his human environment through his unresolved conflicts. It is the energy of the tension thus created that sustains him.

The narcissist is a person driven by parlously imminent eruptions, by the unsettling prospect of losing his precarious balance. Being a narcissist is a tightrope act. The narcissist must remain alert and on-edge. Only in a constant state of active conflict does he attain the requisite levels of mental arousal.

This periodical interaction with the objects of his conflicts sustains the inner turmoil, keeps the narcissist on his toes, infuses him with the intoxicating feeling that he is alive.

The narcissist perceives every disagreement - let alone criticism - as nothing short of a threat. He reacts defensively. He becomes indignant, aggressive and cold. He detaches emotionally for fear of yet another (narcissistic) injury. He devalues the person who made the disparaging remark.

By holding the critic in contempt, by diminishing the stature of the discordant conversant - the narcissist minimises the impact of the disagreement or criticism on himself. This is a defence mechanism known as cognitive dissonance.

Like a trapped animal, the narcissist is forever on the lookout: was this comment meant to demean him? Was this utterance a deliberate attack? Gradually, his mind turns into a chaotic battlefield of paranoia and ideas of reference until he loses touch with reality and retreats to his own world of fantasised and unchallenged grandiosity.

When the disagreement or criticism or disapproval or approbation are public, though, the narcissist tends to regard them as Narcissistic Supply! Only when they are expressed in private - does the narcissist rage against them.

The cerebral narcissist is as competitive and intolerant of criticism or disagreement as his somatic counterpart. The subjugation and subordination of others demand the establishment of his undisputed intellectual superiority or professional authority.

Alexander Lowen wrote an excellent exposition of this "hidden or tacit competition". The cerebral narcissist aspires to perfection. Thus, even the slightest and most inconsequential challenge to his authority is inflated by him. Hence, the disproportionateness of his reactions.

When confronting adversity fails, some narcissists resort to denial, which they apply to their "extensions" (family, business, workplace, friends) as well.

Take, for example, the narcissist's family. Narcissists often instruct, order, or threaten their children into hiding the truth of abuse, malfunction, maladaptation, fear, pervasive sadness, violence, mutual hatred and mutual repulsion which are the hallmarks of the narcissistic family.

"Not to wash the family's dirty linen in public" is a common exhortation. The whole family conforms to the fantastic, grandiose, perfect and superior narrative invented by the narcissist. The family becomes an extension of the False Self. This is an important function of these Sources of Secondary Narcissistic Supply.

Criticising, disagreeing, or exposing these fiction and lies, penetrating the family's facade, are considered to be mortal sins. The sinner is immediately subjected to severe and constant emotional harassment, guilt and blame, and to abuse, including physical abuse. This state of things is especially typical of families with sexual abuse.

Behaviour modification techniques are liberally used by the narcissist to ensure that the skeletons do stay in the family cupboards. An unexpected by-product of this atmosphere of concealment and falsity is mutiny. The narcissist's spouse or his adolescent children are likely to exploit the narcissist's vulnerabilities - his proneness to secrecy, self-delusion, and aversion to the truth - to rebel against him. The first thing to crumble in the narcissist's family is this shared psychosis - the mass denial and the secretiveness so diligently cultivated by him.

Note - Narcissistic Rage

Narcissists can be imperturbable, resilient to stress, and sangfroid.

Narcissistic rage is not a reaction to stress - it is a reaction to a perceived slight, insult, criticism, or disagreement.

Narcissistic rage is a reaction to narcissistic injury.

Rage has two forms, though:

I. Explosive - The narcissist erupts, attacks everyone in his immediate vicinity, causes damage to objects or people, and is verbally and psychologically abusive.

II. Pernicious or Passive-Aggressive (P/A) - the narcissist sulks, gives the silent treatment, and is plotting how to punish the transgressor and put her in her proper place. These narcissists are vindictive and often become stalkers. They harass and haunt the objects of their frustration. They sabotage and damage the work and possessions of people whom they regard to be the sources of their mounting frustration.

next: Narcissists, Love and Healing

The Universal Creative Force, as I understand it, is the energy field of ALL THAT IS vibrating at the frequency of Absolute Harmony. That vibrational frequency I call LOVE. (LOVE is the vibrational frequency of God; Love is an energy vibration within The Illusion which we can access; love is, in our Codependent culture, most often an addiction or an excuse for dysfunctional behavior.)

LOVE is the energy frequency of Absolute Harmony because it is the vibrational frequency where there is no separation.

Energy moves in wave-like patterns; what enables movement is the separation between the valley of the wave and its peak. The distance from peak to peak is called itís wavelength. It is a law of physics that as vibrational frequency rises, as it gets higher, the wavelength gets shorter. The frequency of LOVE is the vibrational frequency where wavelength disappears, where separation disappears.

It is a place of absolute Peace, motionless, timeless, completely at rest: The Eternal Now.

The Peace and Bliss of The Eternal Now is the True Absolute Reality of the God-Force.

Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls

What is Love? That is the question. I have been quite balled up the last week in attempting to write this column. No, that is not quite true - I have been unable to get into a space to even attempt to write this column. I need to get into a certain space - need to be feeling a special kind of creative energy - to write about a topic such as this. It was much easier to write last month's column about "what Love is not". Then I was writing about something much more concrete, much more black and white (the irony of this - since one of the characteristics of the disease is black and white thinking - is fodder for a completely different column.) The dynamics of the disease and the wounding process are very clear in my eyes. I have experienced the type of love that is shaming, abusive, manipulative, smothering, intrusive, addictive, etc., my whole life.

In fact, I learned a new word while writing this column. As I was composing the above paragraph, and taking note of how much easier it was to write last monthís column, the word empirical came to mind. So, I did what comes naturally when a word pops to mind - I looked it up.

empirical 1. Relating to or based on experience or observation. 2. Relying entirely or to excess upon direct, repeated, and uncritically accepted experience: opposed to metempirical.

Aha, a new word.

metempirical 1. Lying beyond the bounds of experience, as intuitive principles; not derived from experience; transcendental.

So, even though I just said that it was easier to write what Love is not because of my experience - in Truth when I say that Love is not shaming and abusive, I am actually stating my intuitive Truth. If I were just relying on my experience, I would say "love is shaming and abusive and controlling", "love is being responsible for other people's feelings and well being", etc. - and that would be the Truth about love with a small l. When I say Love is not shaming, I am talking about the True Nature of Love as I intuitively understand it. Once I started to awaken to the reality that civilized society on this planet was based upon some false beliefs, then I started to be able to validate my intuitive feeling that something was dreadfully wrong here. I Knew deep inside, from a very young age, that this was not my home. I Knew that Love, if it was really such a wonderful thing, should not be so painful - just as I Knew it was ridiculous for both sides in a war to think that God was on their side and would help them kill the enemy.

I could feel that Love must be something much greater than I had learned growing up. If Love is so wonderful, if Love is the answer - then Love should set us Free. That is what coming up as I write this column - Love that is Freedom. Love that is Joy. Love that is the only Truth that has ever mattered.

Love that is Freedom - what does that mean? To me it means the Freedom to be OK with being me. The Freedom to relax and enJoy the moment. The Freedom to be - just be, without having to strive, to work for, to try to reach, to prove myself, to earn Love, to get "there".

It means: Freedom from shame. Freedom from judgment. Freedom from loneliness. Freedom from feeling separate, different, not a part of, not acceptable. Freedom from the endless, aching longing for something more. Freedom from the hole in my soul - from the bottomless abyss of pain and shame and sadness that I feel at the core of my being.

This place is not my home. When I yearn for Love, I am longing to go home.

"I was transported with Joy, and my spirit was soaring, as I danced on the rock. And in my dancing and singing I Truly understood what those expressions meant. For in being transported and soaring I was merely tuning into the vibrational frequency that is Joy and Love and Truth. I could see clearly now how human beings throughout history had been trying to tune into Love. The primal urge that has caused humans to attempt to alter their consciousness, through drugs or religion or food or meditation or whatever, is no more than an attempt to raise one's vibrational frequency. All any soul in body has ever done is to try to return home to God - we were just doing it all backwards because of the reversity of the planets energy field.

The Dance of The Wounded Souls Trilogy Book 1"In TheBeginning . . ." (Chapter 4)

Humans have always been looking for a way home. For a way to connect with our Higher Consciousness. For a way to reconnect with our creator. Throughout human history, human beings have used temporary artificial means to raise their vibrational level, to try to reconnect with Higher Consciousness.

Drugs and alcohol, meditation and exercise, sex and religion, starvation and overeating, the self-torture of the flagellant or the deprivation of the hermit - all are attempts to connect with higher consciousness. Attempts to reconnect with Spiritual Self. Attempts to go home.

Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls

Part of the reason that I have had trouble in writing this column is because of the intellectual context I was approaching it from. I was thinking that I had to know what I was talking about, had to be able to communicate to you the Truth about Love. That was pretty silly of me.* Love is what I am learning about. Love is what recovery and healing are all about. Love is the goal. Love is home.

Actually, it was my disease at work - causing me to judge and shame myself for not feeling competent to write about the True Nature of Love. This disease of codependence is so incredibly insidious, treacherous, and powerful. It continually turns back in on itself. The disease doesn't want me to take the risk of Loving and trusting my self and then it turns around and causes me to judge myself because I don't Love my self. I don't Love myself because of the disease - the ego programming that is a result of being wounded and traumatized by being Spiritually orphaned in an alien environment.

By being born into and raised in an emotionally dishonest and dysfunctional, Spiritually hostile, shame based, Love mutilated (mutilate - 1. To deprive of a limb or essential part. 2. To damage or injure by the removal of an important part.) civilization on a planet where civilized societies have evolved based on the belief in separation and fear-based hostility - separation between beings, separation between humans and their environment, and separation between the flesh and the Spirit. The civilization I was raised in is so sick and twisted that it took the teachings of the Master Teacher who came into body to teach us about Love and twisted those teachings into something shameful and hate-filled. Jesus Christ carried a message of Love - not shame and judgment.

Due to the planetary conditions, the human ego developed a belief in separation - which is what made violence possible and caused the human condition as we inherited it. The reflection of that human condition on the individual level is the disease of Codependence. Codependence is caused by the ego being traumatized and programmed in early childhood so that our relationship with ourselves and the God-Force is dysfunctional - that is, it does not work to help us access the Truth of ONENESS and Love. It is through healing our relationship with ourselves that we open our inner channel and start tuning into the Truth.

Column: Jesus & Christ Consciousness by Robert Burney

Now what I thought last month was going to be one column about the True Nature of Love has turned into at least a 4 part series. In dealing with the shame I was feeling about not knowing enough about Love to write about it's True Nature, I have in fact been processing through that shame to get to a place where I can be free to write about the type of Love that can set me Free. So, I will save "Love as a vibrational frequency" and "Love and romance" for future columns.

I have only a little experience with feeling Love that sets me Free - and that has come primarily since I have been in recovery. In those moments when I am able to connect with Love in it's True form, then I feel that all of the pain and suffering has been worth the experience. Then I get a taste of what home really feels like. Then I get to feel the Joy and Truth and Love that Truly does set me Free from the illusion of separation. In those moments, I can sometimes even feel grateful for that illusion. Because without the illusion of separation from The Source Energy, from Love - I would never have gotten the opportunity to experience Love.

I am going to end this column with a continuation of the quote from my book "The Dance of Wounded Souls" which I started it with. This quote is from the very end of my book. This is my intuitive Truth. This is an important part of the understanding which has led to the beginning of my liberation from the shame. This Truth has helped me to start Loving myself a little bit - to start Loving myself enough to be Free to start believing that maybe, just maybe I am Lovable and Loved.

"The Peace and Bliss of The Eternal Now is the True Absolute Reality of the God-Force".

"The illusion of separation - the distance, the separation, between the peak and the valley - is what makes motion possible. Separation is necessary for energy to be in motion. The illusion of separation was necessary to create The Illusion".

"As part of the ONENESS of ALL THAT IS, we are God and God is LOVE. We are part of the Truth of ONENESS vibrating at LOVE. As part of the ONENESS of LOVE we would never have been able to experience Love. It is kind of like, "If you are sugar then you never get to taste sugar".

In God we are LOVE. Without the illusion of separation we would never have had the opportunity to experience Love. Would never have been able to Love and be Loved.

Separation was necessary to allow us the incredible gift of experiencing Love, of Loving and being Loved.

The Illusion that caused all of the pain is also the vehicle for allowing us to feel and be Loved.

If you pursue your path of healing, I think that you will find as I have that it is very much worth it. It is worth it to be able to experience Love.

This is the Age of Healing and Joy. It is time to start remembering who you Truly are, to start feeling and tuning into the Truth which exists within you.

• We are all butterflies
• We are all swans
• We are Spiritual Beings

The Springtime of the Spirit has arrived: It is possible to learn to Love yourself.

It is possible to be happy, Joyous, and free - if you are willing to be scared and hurt, angry and sad.

• You are Lovable
• You are Loved
• You are LOVE

next: The True Nature of Love - Part III, Love as a Vibrational Frequency

"He who finds himself, loses his misery."
- Matthew Arnold

Awareness is the first step in the creation process. As you grow in self awareness you will better understand why you feel what you feel and why you behave as you behave. That understanding then gives you the opportunity and freedom to change those things you'd like to change about yourself and create the life you want. Without knowing who you are, self acceptance and change become impossible.

Be As Specific As You Can

General answers will only give you a general sense of who you are. The more specific your answers, the more impact they'll have on your life and you'll have a much clearer picture of yourself. I can not emphasis this enough. Be specific. Be specific. Give specific answers. When you think you've been pretty specific, make it even more specific.

Questions, Not Judgments

Don't ask yourself these questions with a judgmental tone. They're not accusations, or calls for you to defend yourself. They're questions to help you discover who you are. Be honest, gentle, and nonjudgmental. No one has to see your answers. This is between you and you, and no one else.

Letting It Flow

If while answering the questions you come up with your own line of questioning, then definitely follow it. (You're the expert here.) Also, if you answer, "I don't know", to any of the questions, give yourself the freedom to take a wild guess. The guess will allow you to continue. You know more than you think you do!

Be Totally Honesty

Honesty leads to true awareness, but it requires courage. It's the courage to face what you fear or find difficult to accept about yourselves. When you summon the courage to take ownership of your actions, thoughts, and feelings, you will recover the blueprint of your life. You'll be able to face your fears and find the inaccurate beliefs that created them.

"We make our world significant
by the courage of our questions,
and the depth of our answers."

- Carl Sagan

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When answering the questions on the next page, see if you are substituting rationalizations for your genuine feelings. Check inside and see if you are asking yourself "How SHOULD I feel?", rather than "How do I really feel?". Monitor if you are speculating intellectually about the answer, rather than getting in touch with what you are thinking or feeling.

Know that in the past you had reasons for being dishonest and that those reasons may no longer be useful or serve you. Know whatever you discover about yourself, you can handle with ease and acceptance. Trust that the information you uncover will in some way lead to a greater sense of peace about yourself. That the answers to the questions will take you by the hand, and lead you to where you want to go.

Becoming honest is an act of self renewal. What a sense of freedom you'll feel when you're able to admit to yourself..."I want this, or think this, or feel this because I'm afraid that...[fill in the blank]. This is the first step toward discovering hidden fears. What a wonderful place to know where you are! It's difficult to reach a destination, when you don't even know where you're starting. You need only to gather your courage and look for your beliefs you have about yourself and your world. The rewards of doing so will lead you to places of happiness you never knew existed.

next: Self Awareness Questions

"Knowing others is wisdom, knowing yourself is Enlightenment."
- Tao Tzu

Awareness is the first step in the creation process. As you grow in self awareness, you will better understand why you feel what you feel and why you behave as you behave. That understanding then gives you the opportunity and freedom to change those things you'd like to change about yourself and create the life you want. Without fully knowing who you are, self acceptance and change become impossible.

Having clarity about who you are and what you want (and why you want it), empowers you to consciously and actively make those wants a reality. Otherwise, you'll continue to get "caught up" in your own internal dramas and unknown beliefs, allowing unknown thought processes to determine your feelings and actions.

If you think about it, not understanding why you do what you do, and feel what you feel is like going through your life with a stranger's mind. How do you make wise decisions and choices if you don't understand why you want what you want? It's a difficult and chaotic way to live never knowing what this stranger is going to do next.

Who's the expert?

When we want good, solid information, we turn to the experts. So, who are you going to turn to for information about yourself? Who's the expert?

You.

Does a friend, a therapist, a minister, your hero, your spouse, your parents know more about you than you? They can't. You live in your skin and mind 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year. Day in and day out. No one's closer to you than you! The answers are in there, perhaps all you've needed to solve your riddles is a useful question.

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next: Using Questions To Be More Self Aware