Surviving the Narcissist

Question:

Is there a point in waiting for the narcissist to heal? Can it ever be better?

Answer:

The victims of the narcissist's abusive conduct resort to fantasies and self-delusions to salve their pain.

Rescue Fantasies

"It is true that he is a chauvinistic narcissist and that his behaviour is unacceptable and repulsive. But all he needs is a little love and he will be straightened out. I will rescue him from his misery and misfortune. I will give him the love that he lacked as a child. Then his narcissism will vanish and we will live happily ever after."

Loving a Narcissist

I believe in the possibility of loving narcissists if one accepts them unconditionally, in a disillusioned and expectation-free manner.

Narcissists are narcissists. Take them or leave them. Some of them are lovable. Most of them are highly charming and intelligent. The source of the misery of the victims of the narcissist is their disappointment, their disillusionment, their abrupt and tearing and tearful realisation that they fell in love with an ideal of their own making, a phantasm, an illusion, a fata morgana. This "waking up" is traumatic. The narcissist always remains the same. It is the victim who changes.

It is true that narcissists present a luring facade in order to captivate Sources of Narcissistic Supply. But this facade is easy to penetrate because it is inconsistent and too perfect. The cracks are evident from day one but often ignored. Then there are those who KNOWINGLY and WILLINGLY commit their emotional wings to the burning narcissistic candle.

This is the catch-22. To try to communicate emotions to a narcissist is like discussing atheism with a religious fundamentalist.

Narcissists have emotions, very strong ones, so terrifyingly overpowering and negative that they hide them, repress, block and transmute them. They employ a myriad of defence mechanisms to cope with their repressed emotions: projective identification, splitting, projection, intellectualisation, rationalisation.

Any effort to relate to the narcissist emotionally is doomed to failure, alienation and rage. Any attempt to "understand" (in retrospect or prospectively) narcissistic behaviour patterns, reactions, or his inner world in emotional terms - is equally hopeless. Narcissists should be regarded as a force of nature or an accident waiting to happen.

The Universe has no master-plot or mega-plan to deprive anyone of happiness. Being born to narcissistic parents, for instance, is not the result of a conspiracy. It is a tragic event, for sure. But it cannot be dealt with emotionally, without professional help, or haphazardly. Stay away from narcissists, or face them aided by your own self-discovery through therapy. It can be done.

Narcissists have no interest in emotional or even intellectual stimulation by significant others. Such feedback is perceived as a threat. Significant others in the narcissist's life have very clear roles: the accumulation and dispensation of past Primary Narcissistic Supply in order to regulate current Narcissistic Supply. Nothing less but definitely nothing more. Proximity and intimacy breed contempt. A process of devaluation is in full operation throughout the life of the relationship.

A passive witness to the narcissist's past accomplishments, a dispenser of accumulated Narcissistic Supply, a punching bag for his rages, a co-dependent, a possession (though not prized but taken for granted) and nothing much more. This is the ungrateful, FULL TIME, draining job of being the narcissist's significant other.

But humans are not instruments. To regard them as such is to devalue them, to reduce them, to restrict them, to prevent them from realising their potential. Inevitably, narcissists lose interest in their instruments, these truncated versions of full-fledged humans, once they cease to serve them in their pursuit of glory and fame.

Consider "friendship" with a narcissist as an example of such thwarted relationships. One cannot really get to know a narcissist "friend". One cannot be friends with a narcissist and one cannot love a narcissist. Narcissists are addicts. They are no different to drug addicts. They are in pursuit of gratification through the drug known as Narcissistic Supply. Everything and EVERYONE around them is an object, a potential source (to be idealised) or not (and, then to be cruelly discarded).

Narcissists home in on potential suppliers like cruise missiles. They are excellent at imitating emotions, at exhibiting the right behaviours on cue, and at manipulating.

All generalisations are false, of course, and there are bound to be some happy relationships with narcissists. I discuss the narcissistic couple in one of my FAQs. One example of a happy marriage is when a somatic narcissist teams up with a cerebral one or vice versa.

Narcissists can be happily married to submissive, subservient, self-deprecating, echoing, mirroring and indiscriminately supportive spouses. They also do well with masochists. But it is difficult to imagine that a healthy, normal person would be happy in such a folie a deux ("madness in twosome" or shared psychosis).

It is also difficult to imagine a benign and sustained influence on the narcissist of a stable, healthy mate/spouse/partner. One of my FAQs is dedicated to this issue ("The Narcissist's Spouse / Mate / Partner").

BUT many a spouse/friend/mate/partner like to BELIEVE that - given sufficient time and patience - they will be the ones to rid the narcissist of his inner demons. They think that they can "rescue" the narcissist, shield him from his (distorted) self, as it were.

The narcissist makes use of this naivetÃ© and exploits it to his benefit. The natural protective mechanisms, which are provoked in normal people by love - are cold bloodedly used by the narcissist to extract yet more Narcissistic Supply from his writhing victim.

The narcissist affects his victims by infiltrating their psyches, by penetrating their defences. Like a virus, it establishes a new genetic strain within his/her victims. It echoes through them, it talks through them, it walks through them. It is like the invasion of the body snatchers.

You should be careful to separate your self from the narcissist's seed inside you, this alien growth, this spiritual cancer that is the result of living with a narcissist. You should be able to tell apart the real you and the parts assigned to you by the narcissist. To cope with him/her, the narcissist forces you to "walk on eggshells" and develop a False Self of your own. It is nothing as elaborate as his False Self - but it is there, in you, as a result of the trauma and abuse inflicted upon you by the narcissist.

Thus, perhaps we should talk about VoNPD, another mental health diagnostic category - Victims of NPD.

They experience shame and anger for their past helplessness and submissiveness. They are hurt and sensitised by the harrowing experience of sharing a simulated existence with a simulated person, the narcissist. They are scarred and often suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Some of them lash out at others, offsetting their frustration with bitter aggression.

Like his disorder, the narcissist is all-pervasive. Being the victim of a narcissist is a condition no less pernicious than being a narcissist. Great mental efforts are required to abandon a narcissist and physical separation is only the first (and least important) step.

One can abandon a narcissist - but the narcissist is slow to abandon his victims. He is there, lurking, rendering existence unreal, twisting and distorting with no respite, an inner, remorseless voice, lacking in compassion and empathy for its victim.

The narcissist is there in spirit long after it had vanished in the flesh. This is the real danger that the victims of the narcissist face: that they become like him, bitter, self-centred, lacking in empathy. This is the last bow of the narcissist, his curtain call, by proxy as it were.

Narcissistic Tactics

The narcissist tends to surround himself with his inferiors (in some respect: intellectually, financially, physically). He limits his interactions with them to the plane of his superiority. This is the safest and fastest way to sustain his grandiose fantasies of omnipotence and omniscience, brilliance, ideal traits, perfection and so on.

Humans are interchangeable and the narcissist does not distinguish one individual from another. To him they are all inanimate elements of "his audience" whose job is to reflect his False Self. This generates a perpetual and permanent cognitive dissonance:

The narcissist despises the very people who sustain his Ego boundaries and functions. He cannot respect people so expressly and clearly inferior to him - yet he can never associate with people evidently on his level or superior to him, the risk of narcissistic injury in such associations being too great. Equipped with a fragile Ego, precariously teetering on the brink of narcissistic injury - the narcissist prefers the safe route. But he feels contempt for himself and for others for having preferred it.

Some narcissist are also psychopaths (suffer from the Antisocial PD) and/or sadists. Antisocials don't really enjoy hurting others - they simply don't care one way or the other. But sadists do enjoy it.

Classical narcissists do not enjoy wounding others - but they do enjoy the sensation of unlimited power and the validation of their grandiose fantasies when they do harm others or are in the position to do so. It is more the POTENTIAL to hurt others than the actual act that turns them on.

The Neverending Story

Even the official termination of a relationship with a narcissist is not the end of the affair. The Ex "belongs" to the narcissist. She is an inseparable part of his Pathological Narcissistic Space. This possessive streak survives the physical separation.

Thus, the narcissist is likely to respond with rage, seething envy, a sense of humiliation and invasion and violent-aggressive urges to an ex's new boyfriend, or new job (to her new life without him). Especially since it implies a "failure" on his part and, thus negates his grandiosity.

But there is a second scenario:

If the narcissist firmly believes (which is very rare) that the ex does not and will never represent any amount, however marginal and residual, of any kind (primary or secondary) of Narcissistic Supply - he remains utterly unmoved by anything she does and anyone she may choose to be with.

Narcissists do feel bad about hurting others and about the unsavoury course their lives tend to assume. Their underlying (and subconscious) ego-dystony (=feeling bad about themselves) was only recently discovered and described. But the narcissist feels bad only when his Supply Sources are threatened because of his behaviour or following a narcissistic injury in the course of a major life crisis.

The narcissist equates emotions with weakness. He regards the sentimental and the emotional with contempt. He looks down on the sensitive and the vulnerable. He derides and despises the dependent and the loving. He mocks expressions of compassion and passion. He is devoid of empathy. He is so afraid of his True Self that he would rather disparage it than admit to his own faults and "soft spots".

He likes to talk about himself in mechanical terms ("machine", "efficient", "punctual", "output", "computer"). He suppresses his human side diligently and with dedication. To him being human and survival are mutually exclusive propositions. He must choose and his choice is clear. The narcissist never looks back, unless and until forced to by life's circumstances.

All narcissists fear intimacy. But the cerebral narcissist deploys strong defences against it: "scientific detachment" (the narcissist as the eternal observer), intellectualising and rationalising his emotions away, intellectual cruelty (see my FAQ regarding inappropriate affect), intellectual "annexation" (he regards others as his extension, property, or turf), objectifying the other and so on. Even emotions that he does express (pathological envy, rage) have the not wholly unintended effect of alienating rather than creating intimacy.

Abandoning the Narcissist

The narcissist initiates his own abandonment because of his fear of it. He is so terrified of losing his sources of Narcissistic Supply (and of being emotionally hurt) that he would rather "control", "master", or "direct" the potentially destabilising situation. Remember: the personality of the narcissist has a low level of organization. It is precariously balanced.

Being abandoned could cause a narcissistic injury so grave that the whole edifice can come crumbling down. Narcissists usually entertain suicidal ideation in such cases. But, if the narcissist had initiated and directed his own abandonment, if it is perceived as a goal he set to himself - he can and does avoid all these untoward consequences. (See the section about Emotional Involvement Prevention Mechanisms in the Essay.)

The Dynamics of the Relationship

The narcissist lives in a fantasised world of ideal beauty, incomparable (imaginary) achievements, wealth, brilliance and unmitigated success. The narcissist denies his reality constantly. This is what I call the Grandiosity Gap - the abyss between his sense of entitlement grounded in his inflated grandiose fantasies - and his incommensurate reality and meagre accomplishments.

The narcissist's partner is perceived by him to be merely a Source of Narcissistic Supply, an instrument, an extension of himself. It is inconceivable that - blessed by the constant presence of the narcissist - such a tool would malfunction. The needs and grievances of the partner are perceived by the narcissist as threats and slights.

The narcissist considers his very presence in the relationship as nourishing and sustaining. He feels entitled to the best others can offer without investing in maintaining his relationships or in catering to the well-being of his "suppliers". To rid himself of deep-set feelings of (rather justified) guilt and shame - he pathologizes the partner.

He projects his own mental illness unto her. Through the intricate mechanism of projective identification he forces her to play an emergent role of "the sick" or "the weak" or "the naive" or "the dumb" or "the no good". What he denies in himself, what he is loath to face in his own personality - he attributes to others and moulds them to conform to his prejudices against himself.

The narcissist must have the best, the most glamorous, stunning, talented, head turning, mind-boggling spouse in the entire world. Nothing short of this fantasy will do. To compensate for the shortcomings of his real life spouse - he invents an idealised figure and relates to it instead.

Then, when reality conflicts too often and too evidently with this figment - he reverts to devaluation. His behaviour turns on a dime and becomes threatening, demeaning, contemptuous, berating, reprimanding, destructively critical and sadistic - or cold, unloving, detached, and "clinical". He punishes his real life spouse for not living up to his fantasy, for "refusing" to be his Galathea, his Pygmalion, his ideal creation. The narcissist plays a wrathful and demanding God.

Moving On

To preserve one's mental health - one must abandon the narcissist. One must move on.

Moving on is a process, not a decision or an event. First, one has to acknowledge and accept painful reality. Such acceptance is a volcanic, shattering, agonising series of nibbling thoughts and strong resistances. Once the battle is won, and harsh and agonizing realities are assimilated, one can move on to the learning phase.

Learning

We label. We educate ourselves. We compare experiences. We digest. We have insights.

Then we decide and we act. This is "to move on". Having gathered sufficient emotional sustenance, knowledge, support and confidence, we face the battlefields of our relationships, fortified and nurtured. This stage characterises those who do not mourn - but fight; do not grieve - but replenish their self-esteem; do not hide - but seek; do not freeze - but move on.

Grieving

Having been betrayed and abused - we grieve. We grieve for the image we had of the traitor and abuser - the image that was so fleeting and so wrong. We mourn the damage he did to us. We experience the fear of never being able to love or to trust again - and we grieve this loss. In one stroke, we lost someone we trusted and even loved, we lost our trusting and loving selves and we lost the trust and love that we felt. Can anything be worse?

The emotional process of grieving has many phases.

At first, we are dumbfounded, shocked, inert, immobile. We play dead to avoid our inner monsters. We are ossified in our pain, cast in the mould of our reticence and fears. Then we feel enraged, indignant, rebellious and hateful. Then we accept. Then we cry. And then - some of us - learn to forgive and to pity. And this is called healing.

All stages are absolutely necessary and good for you. It is bad not to rage back, not to shame those who shamed us, to deny, to pretend, to evade. But it is equally bad to get fixated on our rage. Permanent grieving is the perpetuation of our abuse by other means.

By endlessly recreating our harrowing experiences, we unwillingly collaborate with our abuser to perpetuate his or her evil deeds. It is by moving on that we defeat our abuser, minimising him and his importance in our lives. It is by loving and by trusting anew that we annul that which was done to us. To forgive is never to forget. But to remember is not necessarily to re-experience.

Forgiving and Forgetting

Forgiving is an important capability. It does more for the forgiver than for the forgiven. But it should not be a universal, indiscriminate behaviour. It is legitimate not to forgive sometimes. It depends, of course, on the severity or duration of what was done to you.

In general, it is unwise and counter-productive to apply to life "universal" and "immutable" principles. Life is too chaotic to succumb to rigid edicts. Sentences which start with "I never" or "I always" are not very credible and often lead to self-defeating, self-restricting and self-destructive behaviours.

Conflicts are an important and integral part of life. One should never seek them out, but when confronted with a conflict, one should not avoid it. It is through conflicts and adversity as much as through care and love that we grow.

Human relationships are dynamic. We must assess our friendships, partnerships, even our marriages periodically. In and by itself, a common past is insufficient to sustain a healthy, nourishing, supportive, caring and compassionate relationship. Common memories are a necessary but not a sufficient condition. We must gain and regain our friendships on a daily basis. Human relationships are a constant test of allegiance and empathy.

Remaining Friends with the Narcissist

Can't we act civilised and remain on friendly terms with our narcissist ex?

Never forget that narcissists (full fledged ones) are nice and friendly only when:

They want something from you - Narcissistic Supply, help, support, votes, money... They prepare the ground, manipulate you and then come out with the "small favour" they need or ask you blatantly or surreptitiously for Narcissistic Supply ("What did you think about my performance...", "Do you think that I really deserve the Nobel Prize?").
They feel threatened and they want to neuter the threat by smothering it with oozing pleasantries.
They have just been infused with an overdose of Narcissistic Supply and they feel magnanimous and magnificent and ideal and perfect. To show magnanimity is a way of flaunting one's impeccable divine credentials. It is an act of grandiosity. You are an irrelevant prop in this spectacle, a mere receptacle of the narcissist's overflowing, self-contented infatuation with his False Self.

This beneficence is transient. Perpetual victims often tend to thank the narcissist for "little graces". This is the Stockholm syndrome: hostages tend to emotionally identify with their captors rather than with the police. We are grateful to our abusers and tormentors for ceasing their hideous activities and allowing us to catch our breath.

Some people say that they prefer to live with narcissists, to cater to their needs and to succumb to their whims because this is the way they have been conditioned in early childhood. It is only with narcissists that they feel alive, stimulated and excited. The world glows in Technicolor in the presence of a narcissist and decays to sepia colours in his absence.

I see nothing inherently "wrong" with that. The test is this: if someone were to constantly humiliate and abuse you verbally using Archaic Chinese - would you have felt humiliated and abused? Probably not. Some people have been conditioned by the narcissistic Primary Objects in their lives (parents or caregivers) to treat narcissistic abuse as Archaic Chinese, to turn a deaf ear.

This technique is effective in that it allows the inverted narcissist (the narcissist's willing mate) to experience only the good aspects of living with a narcissist: his sparkling intelligence, the constant drama and excitement, the lack of intimacy and emotional attachment (some people prefer this). Every now and then the narcissist breaks into abuse in Archaic Chinese. So what, who understands Archaic Chinese anyway, says the Inverted Narcissist to herself.

I have only one nagging doubt, though:

If the relationship with a narcissist is so rewarding, why are inverted narcissists so unhappy, so ego-dystonic, so in need of help (professional or otherwise)? Aren't they victims who simply experience the Stockholm syndrome (=identifying with the kidnapper rather than with the Police) and who deny their own torment?

Narcissists and Abandonment

Narcissists are terrified of being abandoned exactly as are codependents and Borderlines.

But their solution is different.

Codependents cling. Borderlines are emotionally labile and react disastrously to the faintest hint of being abandoned.

Narcissists facilitate their own abandonment. They make sure that they are abandoned.

This way they achieve two goals:

Getting it over with - The narcissist has a very low threshold of tolerance to uncertainty and inconvenience, emotional or material. Narcissists are very impatient and "spoiled". They cannot delay gratification or impending doom. They must have it all now, good or bad.
By bringing the feared abandonment about, the narcissist can lie to himself persuasively. "She didn't abandon me, it is I who abandoned her. I controlled the situation. It was all my doing, so I was really not abandoned, was I now?" In time, the narcissist adopts this "official version" as the truth. He might say: "I abandoned her emotionally and sexually long before she left."

This is one of the important Emotional Involvement Prevention Mechanisms (EIPM) that I write about in the Essay.

Why the Failing Relationships?

Narcissists hate happiness and joy and ebullience and vivaciousness - in short, they hate life itself.

The roots of this bizarre propensity can be traced to a few psychological dynamics, which operate concurrently (it is very confusing to be a narcissist).

First, there is pathological envy.

The narcissist is constantly envious of other people: their successes, their property, their character, their education, their children, their ideas, the fact that they can feel, their good moods, their past, their future, their present, their spouses, their mistresses or lovers, their location...

Almost anything can be the trigger of a bout of biting, acidulous envy. But there is nothing, which reminds the narcissist more of the totality of his envious experiences than happiness. Narcissists lash out at happy people out of their own nagging sense of deprivation.

Then there is narcissistic hurt.

The narcissist regards himself as the centre of the world and the epicentre of the lives of his closest, nearest and dearest. He is the source of all emotions, responsible for all developments, positive and negative alike, the axis, the prime cause, the only cause, the mover, the shaker, the broker, the pillar, forever indispensable.

It is therefore a bitter and sharp rebuke to this grandiose fantasy to see someone else happy for reasons that have nothing to do with the narcissist. It painfully serves to illustrate to him that he is but one of many causes, phenomena, triggers and catalysts in other people's lives. That there are things happening outside the orbit of his control or initiative. That he is not privileged or unique.

The narcissist uses projective identification. He channels his negative emotions through other people, his proxies. He induces unhappiness and gloom in others to enable him to experience his own misery. Inevitably, he attributes the source of such sadness either to himself, as its cause - or to the "pathology" of the sad person.

"You are constantly depressed, you should really see a therapist" is a common sentence.

The narcissist - in an effort to maintain the depressive state until it serves some cathartic purpose - strives to perpetuate it by constantly reminding of its existence. "You look sad/bad/pale today. Is anything wrong? Can I help you? Things haven't been going so well lately?"

Last but not least is the exaggerated fear of losing control.

The narcissist feels that he controls his human environment mostly by manipulation and mainly by emotional extortion and distortion. This is not far from reality. The narcissist suppresses any sign of emotional autonomy. He feels threatened and belittled by an emotion not directly or indirectly fostered by him or by his actions. Counteracting someone else's happiness is the narcissist's way of reminding everyone: I am here, I am omnipotent, you are at my mercy and you will feel happy only when I tell you to.

Living with a Narcissist

You cannot change people, not in the real, profound, deep sense. You can only adapt to them and adapt them to you. If you do find your narcissist rewarding at times - you should consider doing these:

Determine your limits and boundaries. How much and in which ways can you adapt to him (i.e., accept him AS HE IS) and to which extent and in which ways would you like him to adapt to you (i.e., accept you as you are). Act accordingly. Accept what you have decided to accept and reject the rest. Change in you what you are willing and able to change - and ignore the rest. Conclude an unwritten contract of co-existence (could be written if you are more formally inclined).
Try to maximise the number of times that "...his walls are down", that you "...find him totally fascinating and everything I desire". What makes him be and behave this way? Is it something that you say or do? Is it preceded by events of a specific nature? Is there anything you can do to make him behave this way more often? Remember, though:

Sometimes we mistake guilt and self-assumed blame for love.

Committing suicide for someone else's sake is not love.

Sacrificing yourself for someone else is not love.

It is domination, codependence, and counter-dependence.

You control your narcissist by giving, as much as he controls you through his pathology.

Your unconditional generosity sometimes prevents him from facing his True Self and thus healing.

It is impossible to have a relationship with a narcissist that is meaningful to the narcissist.

It is, of course, possible to have a relationship with a narcissist that is meaningful to you (see FAQ 66).

You modify your behaviour in order to secure the narcissist's continuing love, not in order to be abandoned.

This is the root of the perniciousness of this phenomenon:

The narcissist is a meaningful, crucially significant figure ("object") in the inverted narcissist's life.

This is the narcissist's leverage over the inverted narcissist. And since the inverted narcissist is usually very young when making the adaptation to the narcissist - it all boils down to fear of abandonment and death in the absence of care and sustenance.

The inverted narcissist's accommodation of the narcissist is as much a wish to gratify one's narcissist (parent) as the sheer terror of forever withholding gratification from one's self.

The Need to be Hopeful

I understand the need to be hopeful.

There are gradations of narcissism. In my writings I am referring to the extreme and ultimate form of narcissism, the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). The prognosis for those merely with narcissistic traits or a narcissistic style is far better than the healing prospects of a full-fledged narcissist.

We often confuse shame with guilt.

Narcissists feel shameful when confronted with a failure. They feel (narcissistically) injured. Their omnipotence is threatened, their sense of perfection and uniqueness is questioned. They are enraged, engulfed by self-reprimand, self-loathing and internalised violent urges.

The narcissist punishes himself for failing to be God - not for mistreating others.

The narcissist makes an effort to communicate his pain and shame in order to elicit the Narcissistic Supply he needs to restore and regulate his failing sense of self-worth. In doing so, the narcissist resorts to the human vocabulary of empathy. The narcissist will say anything to obtain Narcissistic Supply. It is a manipulative ploy - not a confession of real emotions or an authentic description of internal dynamics.

Yes, the narcissist is a child - but a very young one.

Yes, he can tell right from wrong - but is indifferent to both.

Yes, a process of "re-parenting" (what Kohut called a "self-object") is required to foster growth and maturation. In the best of cases, it takes years and the prognosis is dismal.

Yes, some narcissists make it. And their mates or spouses or children or colleagues or lovers rejoice.

But is the fact that people survive tornadoes - a reason to go out and seek one?

The narcissist is very much attracted to vulnerability, to unstable or disordered personalities or to his inferiors. Such people constitute secure Sources of Narcissistic Supply. The inferior offer adulation. The mentally disturbed, the traumatised, the abused become dependent and addicted to him. The vulnerable can be easily and economically manipulated without fear of repercussions.

I think that "a healed narcissist" is a contradiction in terms, an oxymoron (though there may be exceptions, of course).

Still, healing (not only of narcissists) is dependent upon and derived from a sense of security in a relationship.

The narcissist is not particularly interested in healing. He tries to optimise his returns, taking into consideration the scarcity and finiteness of his resources. Healing, to him, is simply a bad business proposition.

In the narcissist's world being accepted or cared for (not to mention loved) is a foreign language. It is meaningless.

One might recite the most delicate haiku in Japanese and it would still remain meaningless to a non-Japanese.

That non-Japanese are not adept at Japanese does not diminish the value of the haiku or of the Japanese language, needless to say.

Narcissists damage and hurt but they do so offhandedly and naturally, as an after-thought and reflexively.

They are aware of what they are doing to others - but they do not care.

Sometimes, they sadistically taunt and torment people - but they do not perceive this to be evil - merely amusing.

They feel that they are entitled to their pleasure and gratification (Narcissistic Supply is often obtained by subjugating and subsuming others).

They feel that others are less than human, mere extensions of the narcissist, or instruments to fulfil the narcissist's wishes and obey his often capricious commands.

The narcissist feels that no evil can be inflicted on machines, instruments, or extensions. He feels that his needs justify his actions.

next: The Narcissist in the Workplace

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 1). Surviving the Narcissist, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, October 4 from https://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/surviving-the-narcissist

Last Updated: June 1, 2016

Narcissists and Women

HealthyPlace.com Staff Writer

Question:

Do narcissists hate women?

Answer:

To re-iterate, Primary Narcissistic Supply (PNS) is any kind of NS provided by people who are not "meaningful" or "significant" others. Adulation, attention, affirmation, fame, notoriety, sexual conquests - are all forms of PNS.

Secondary NS (SNS) emanates from people who are in repetitive or continuous touch with the narcissist. It includes the important roles of narcissistic accumulation and narcissistic regulation, among others.

Narcissists abhor and dread getting emotionally intimate. The cerebral ones regard sex as a maintenance chore, something they have to do in order to keep their Source of Secondary Supply. The somatic narcissist treats women as objects and sex as a means to obtaining Narcissistic Supply.

Moreover, many narcissists tend to frustrate women. They refrain from having sex with them, tease them and then leave them, resist flirtatious and seductive behaviours and so on. Often, they invoke the existence of a girlfriend/fiancÃ©/spouse as the "reason" why they cannot have sex or develop a relationship. But this is not out of loyalty and fidelity in the empathic and loving sense. This is because they wish (and often succeed) to sadistically frustrate the interested party.

But, this pertains only to cerebral narcissists - not to somatic narcissists and to Histrionics (Histrionic Personality Disorder - HPD) who use their body, sexuality, and seduction/flirtation to extract Narcissistic Supply from others.

Narcissists are misogynists. They team up with women who serve as Sources of SNS (Secondary Narcissistic Supply). The woman's chores are to accumulate past Narcissistic Supply (by witnessing the narcissist's "moments of glory") and release it in an orderly manner to regulate the fluctuating flow of primary supply and compensate in times of deficient supply.

Otherwise, cerebral narcissists are not interested in women.

Most of them are asexual (desire sex very rarely, if at all). They hold women in contempt and abhor the thought of being really intimate with them. Usually, they choose for partners submissive women whom they disdain for being well below their intellectual level.

This leads to a vicious cycle of neediness and self-contempt ("How come I am dependent on this inferior woman"). Hence the abuse. When Primary NS is available, the woman is hardly tolerated, as one would reluctantly pay the premium of an insurance policy.

Narcissists of all stripes do regard the "subjugation" of an attractive woman to be a Source of Narcissistic Supply, though.

Such conquests are status symbols, proofs of virility, and they allow the narcissist to engage in "vicarious" narcissistic behaviours, to express his narcissism through the "conquered" women, transforming them into instruments at the service of his narcissism, into his extensions. This is done by employing defence mechanisms such as projective identification.

The narcissist believes that being in love is actually merely going through the motions. To him, emotions are mimicry and pretence.

He says: "I am a conscious misogynist. I fear and loathe women and tend to ignore them to the best of my ability. To me they are a mixture of hunter and parasite."

Most male narcissists are misogynists. After all, they are the warped creations of women. Women gave birth to them and moulded them into what they are: dysfunctional, maladaptive, and emotionally dead. They are angry at their mothers and, by extension at all women.

The narcissist's attitude to women is, naturally, complex and multi-layered but it can be described using four axes:

The Holy Whore
The Hunter Parasite
The Frustrating Object of Desire
Uniqueness Roles

The narcissist divides all women to saints and whores. He finds it difficult to have sex ("dirty", "forbidden", "punishable", "degrading") with feminine significant others (spouse, intimate girlfriend). To him, sex and intimacy are mutually exclusive rather than mutually expressive propositions.

Sex is reserved to "whores" (all other women in the world). This division resolves the narcissist's constant cognitive dissonance ("I want her but ...", "I don't need anyone but ..."). It also legitimises his sadistic urges (abstaining from sex is a major and recurrent narcissistic "penalty" inflicted on female "transgressors"). It tallies well with the frequent idealisation-devaluation cycles the narcissist goes through. The idealised females are sexless, the devalued ones - "deserving" of their degradation (sex) and the contempt that, inevitably, follows thereafter.

The narcissist believes firmly that women are out to "hunt" men by genetic predisposition. As a result, he feels threatened (as any prey would). This, of course, is an intellectualisation of the real state of affairs: the narcissist feels threatened by women and tries to justify this irrational fear by imbuing them with "objective", menacing qualities. This is a small detail in a larger canvass. The narcissist "pathologises" others in order to control them.

The narcissist believes that, once their prey is secured, women assume the role of "body snatchers". They abscond with the male's sperm, generate an endless stream of demanding and nose dripping children, financially bleed the men in their lives to cater to their needs and to the needs of their dependants

Put differently, women are parasites, leeches, whose sole function is to suck dry every man they find and tarantula-like decapitate him once no longer useful. This, of course, is exactly what the narcissist does to people. Thus, his view of women is a projection.

Heterosexual narcissists desire women as any other red-blooded male does or even more so due to their special symbolic nature in the narcissist's life. Humbling a woman in acts of faintly sado-masochistic sex is a way of getting back at mother. But the narcissist is frustrated by his inability to meaningfully interact with women, by their apparent emotional depth and powers of psychological penetration (real or attributed) and by their sexuality.

Women's incessant demands for intimacy are perceived by the narcissist as a threat. He recoils instead of getting closer. The cerebral narcissist also despises and derides sex, as we said before. Thus, caught in a seemingly intractable repetition complex, in approach-avoidance cycles, the narcissist becomes furious at the source of his frustration. Some narcissists set out to do some frustrating of their own. They tease (passively or actively), or they pretend to be asexual and, in any case, they turn down, rather cruelly, any feminine attempt to court them and to get closer.

Sadistically, they tremendously enjoy their ability to frustrate the desires, passions and sexual wishes of women. It makes them feel omnipotent and self-righteous. Narcissists regularly frustrate all women sexually - and significant women in their lives both sexually and emotionally.

Somatic narcissists simply use women as objects and then discard them. They masturbate, using women as "flesh and blood aides". The emotional background is identical. While the cerebral narcissist punishes through abstention - the somatic narcissist penalises through excess.

The narcissist's mother kept behaving as though the narcissist was and is not special (to her). The narcissist's whole life is a pathetic and pitiful effort to prove her wrong. The narcissist constantly seeks confirmation from others that he is special - in other words that he is, that he actually exists.

Women threaten this quest. Sex is "bestial" and "common". There is nothing "special or unique" about sex. Women's sexual needs threaten to reduce the narcissist to the lowest common denominator: intimacy, sex and human emotions. Everybody and anybody can feel, copulate and breed. There is nothing in these activities to set the narcissist apart and above others. And yet women seem to be interested only in these pursuits. Thus, the narcissist emotionally believes that women are the continuation of his mother by other means and in different guises.

The narcissist hates women virulently, passionately and uncompromisingly. His hate is primal, irrational, the progeny of mortal fear and sustained abuse. Granted, most narcissists learn how to disguise, even repress these untoward feelings. But their hatred does swing out of control and erupt from time to time.

To live with a narcissist is an arduous and eroding task. Narcissists are infinitely pessimistic, bad-tempered, paranoid and sadistic in an absent-minded and indifferent manner. Their daily routine is a rigmarole of threats, complaints, hurts, eruptions, moodiness and rage.

The narcissist rails against slights true and imagined. He alienates people. He humiliates them because this is his only weapon against his own humiliation wrought by their indifference. Gradually, wherever he is, the narcissist's social circle dwindles and then vanishes. Every narcissist is also a schizoid, to some extent. A schizoid is not a misanthrope. The narcissist does not necessarily hate people - he simply does not need them. He regards social interactions as a nuisance to be minimised.

The narcissist is torn between his need to obtain Narcissistic Supply (from human beings) - and his fervent wish to be left alone. This wish springs from contempt and overwhelming feelings of superiority.

There are fundamental conflicts between dependence, counter-dependence and contempt, neediness and devaluation, seeking and avoiding, turning on the charm to attract adulation and reacting wrathfully to the minutest "provocations". These conflicts lead to rapid cycling between gregariousness and self-imposed ascetic seclusion.

Such an unpredictable but always bilious and festering ambience, typical of the narcissist's "romantic" liaisons is hardly conducive to love or sex. Gradually, both become extinct. Relationships are hollowed out. Imperceptibly, the narcissist switches to asexual co-habitation.

But the vitriolic environment that the narcissist creates is only one hand of the equation. The other hand involves the woman herself.

As we said, heterosexual narcissists are attracted to women, but simultaneously repelled, horrified, bewitched and provoked by them. They seek to frustrate and humiliate them. Psychodynamically, the narcissist probably visits upon them his mother's sins - but such simplistic explanation does the subject great injustice.

Most narcissists are misogynists. Their sexual and emotional lives are perturbed and chaotic. They are unable to love in any true sense of the word - nor are they capable of developing any measure of intimacy. Lacking empathy, they are unable to offer to their partners emotional sustenance.

Do narcissists miss loving, would they have liked to love and are they angry with their parents for crippling them in this respect?

To the narcissist, these questions are incomprehensible. There is no way they can answer them. Narcissists have never loved. They do not know what is it that they are supposedly missing. Observing it from the outside, love seems to them to be a risible pathology.

Narcissists equate love with weakness. They hate being weak and they hate and despise weak people (and, therefore, the sick, the old and the young). They do not tolerate what they consider to be stupidity, disease and dependence - and love seems to consist of all three. These are not sour grapes. They really feel this way.

Narcissists are angry men - but not because they never experienced love and probably never will. They are angry because they are not as powerful, awe inspiring and successful as they wish they were and, to their mind, deserve to be. Because their daydreams refuse so stubbornly to come true. Because they are their worst enemy. And because, in their unmitigated paranoia, they see adversaries plotting everywhere and feel discriminated against and contemptuously ignored.

Many of them (the borderline narcissists) cannot conceive of life in one place with one set of people, doing the same thing, in the same field with one goal within a decades-old game plan. To them, this is the equivalent of death. They are most terrified of boredom and whenever faced with its daunting prospect, they inject drama or even danger into their lives. This way they feel alive.

The narcissist is a lonely wolf. He is a shaky platform, indeed, on which to base a family, or plans for the future.

The Narcissist and the Opposite Sex

This chapter deals with the male narcissist and with his "relationships" with women.

It would be correct to substitute one gender for another. Female narcissists treat the men in their lives in a manner indistinguishable from the way male narcissists treat "their" women. I believe that this is the case with same sex narcissist partners.

A good point of departure would be jealousy, or rather, its pathological form, envy.

The narcissist becomes anxious when he grows aware of how romantically jealous (possessive) he is. This is a peculiar response. Normally, anxiety is characteristic of other kinds of interactions with the opposite sex where the possibility of rejection exists. Most men, for instance, feel anxious before they ask a woman to have sex with them.

The narcissist, in contrast, has a limited and underdeveloped spectrum of emotional reactions. Anxiety characterizes all his interactions with the opposite sex and any situation in which there is a remote possibility that he be rejected or abandoned.

Anxiety is an adaptive mechanism. It is the internal reaction to conflict. When the narcissist envies his female mate he is experiencing precisely such an unconscious conflict.

Jealousy is (justly) perceived as a form of transformed aggression. To direct it at the narcissist's female partner (who stands in for the primary object, his Mother) is to direct it at a forbidden object. It triggers a strong feeling of imminent punishment - a likely abandonment (physical or emotional).

But this is merely the "surface" conflict. There is yet another layer, much harder to reach and to decipher.

To feed his envy, the narcissist exercises his imagination. He imagines situations, which justify his negative emotions. If his mate is sexually promiscuous this justifies romantic jealousy - he unconsciously "thinks".

The narcissist is a con artist. He easily substitutes fiction for truth. What commences as an elaborate daydream ends up in the narcissist's mind as a plausible scenario. But, then, if his suspicions are true (they are bound to be - otherwise, why is he jealous?), there is no way he can accept his partner back, says the narcissist to himself. If she is unfaithful - how could the relationship continue?

Infidelity and lack of exclusivity violate the first and last commandment of narcissism: uniqueness.

The narcissist tends to regard his partner's cheating in absolute terms. The "other" guy must be better and more special than he is. Since the narcissist is nothing but a reflection, a glint in the eyes of others, when cast aside by his spouse or mate, he feels annulled and wrecked.

His partner, in this single (real or imagined) act of adultery, is perceived by the narcissist to have passed judgment upon him as a whole - not merely upon this or that aspect of his personality and not merely in connection with the issue of sexual or emotional compatibility.

This perceived negation of his uniqueness makes it impossible for the narcissist to survive in a relationship tainted by jealousy. Yet, there is nothing more dreadful to a narcissist than the ending of a relationship, or abandonment.

Many narcissists strike an unhealthy balance. Being emotionally (and physically or sexually) absent, they drive the partner to find emotional and physical gratification outside the bond. This achieved, they feel vindicated - they are proven right in being jealous.

The narcissist is then able to accept the partner back and to forgive her. After all - he argues - her two-timing was precipitated by the narcissist's own absence and was always under his control. The narcissist experiences a kind of sadistic satisfaction that he possesses such power over his partner.

In provoking the partner to adopt a socially aberrant behavior he sees proof of his mastery. He reads into the subsequent scene of forgiveness and reconciliation the same meaning. It proves both his magnanimity and how addicted to him his partner has become.

The more severe the extramarital affair, the more it provides the narcissist with the means to control his partner through her guilt. His ability to manipulate his partner increases the more forgiving and magnanimous he is. He never forgets to mention to her (or, at least, to himself) how wonderful he is for having thus sacrificed himself.

Here he is - with his unique, superior traits - willing to accept back a disloyal, inconsiderate, disinterested, self centred, sadistic (and, entre nous, most ordinary) partner back. True, henceforth he is likely to invest less in the relationship, to become non-committal, and, probably, to be full of rage and hatred. Still, she is the narcissist's one and only. The more voluptuous, tumultuous, inane the relationship, the better it suits the narcissist's self image.

After all, aren't such tortuous relationships the stuff Oscar winning movies are made of? Shouldn't the narcissist's life be special in this sense, too? Aren't the biographies of great men adorned with such abysses of emotions?

If an emotional or sexual infidelity does occur (and very often it does), it is usually a cry for help by the narcissist's mate. A forlorn cause: this rigidly deformed personality structure is incapable of change.

Usually, the partner is the dependent or avoidant type and is equally inherently incapable of changing anything in her life. Such couples have no common narrative or agenda and only their psychopathologies are compatible. They hold each other hostage and vie for the ransom.

The dependent partner can determine for the narcissist what is right and virtuous and what is wrong and evil as well as enhance and maintain his feeling of uniqueness (by wanting him). She, therefore, possesses the power to manipulate him. Sometimes she does so because years of emotional deprivation and humiliation by the narcissist have made her hate him.

The narcissist - forever "rational", forever afraid to get in touch with his emotions - often divides his relationships with humans to "contractual" and "non contractual", multiplying the former at the expense of the latter. By doing so he drowns the immediate, identifiable, emotional problems (with his partner) in a torrent of irrelevant frivolities (his obligation within numerous other "contractual" "relationships").

The narcissist likes to believe that he is the maker of the decision which type of relationship he establishes with whom. He doesn't even bother to be explicit about it. Sometimes people believe that they have a "contractual" (binding and long-term) relationship with the narcissist, while he entertains an entirely different notion without informing them. These, naturally, are grounds for innumerable disappointments and misunderstandings.

The narcissist often says that he has a contract with his girlfriend/spouse. This contract has emotional articles and administrative-economic articles.

One of the substantive clauses of this contract is emotional and sexual exclusivity.

But the narcissist feels that the fulfillment of his contracts - especially with his female partner - is asymmetrical. He is firmly convinced that he gives and contributes to his relationships more than he receives from them. The narcissist needs to feel deprived and punished, thus upholding the guilty verdict rendered by the primary and all important object in his life (usually, his mother).

The narcissist, though highly amoral (and at times, immoral), holds himself, morally, in high regard. He describes contracts as "sacred" and feels averse to canceling or violating them even if they had expired or are invalidated by the behavior of the other parties.

But the narcissist is not constant and predictable in his judgments. Thus, a violation of the contract by his romantic partner is deemed to be either trivial or nothing less than earth-shattering. If a contract is violated by the narcissist he is invariably tormented by his conscience to the extent of calling the contract (the relationship) off even if the partner judges the violation to be trivial or explicitly forgives the narcissist.

In other words, sometimes the narcissist feels compelled to cancel a contract just because he violated it and in order not to be tormented by his conscience (by his Superego, the internalized voices of his parents and other meaningful adults in his childhood).

But things get even more complex.

The narcissist acts asymmetrically as long as he feels bound by the contract. He tends to judge himself more severely than he judges the other parties to the contract. He forces himself to comply more strenuously than his partners do with the terms of the contract.

But this is because he needs the contract - the relationship - more than the others do.

The annulment or the termination of a contract represent rejection and abandonment, which the narcissist fears most. The narcissist would rather pretend that a contract is still valid than admit to the demise of a relationship. He never violates contracts because he is afraid of the reprisals and of the emotional consequences. But this is not to be confused with developed morals. When confronted with better alternatives - which more efficiently cater to his needs - the narcissist annuls or violates his contracts without thinking twice.

Moreover, not all contracts were created equal in the narcissistic twilight zone. It is the narcissist who retains the power to decide which contracts are to be scrupulously observed and which offhandedly ignored. The narcissist determines which laws (social contracts) to obey and which to break.

He expects society, his partners, his colleagues, his spouse, his children, his parents, his students, his teachers - in short: absolutely everyone - to abide by his rulebook. White collar narcissist criminals, for instance, see nothing wrong with their misconduct. They regard themselves as law-abiding, God-fearing, community-members. Their acts are committed in a mental enclave, a psychological no man's land, where no laws or contracts are binding.

The narcissist is sometimes perceived as whimsical, traitorous, posing and double crossing. The truth is that he is predictable and consistent. He follows one over-riding principle: the principle of Narcissistic Supply.

The narcissist had internalized a bad object. He feels corrupt, deserving to fail, to be disgraced and punished. He is forever surprised and thankful when good things happen to him. Out of touch with his own emotions and with his capabilities, he either exaggerates them or underestimates them.

He is likely to be grateful to his partner - and berate her! - for having chosen him to be her mate. Deep inside, he thinks that no one else would have been (or will be) as foolish, blind, or ignorant to have made this choice. The purported stupidity and blindness of his mate or spouse is substantiated by the very fact that she is his mate or spouse. Only a stupid and blind person would have preferred the narcissist, with his myriad deficiencies, to others.

This feeling of a "lucky break" is the true source of the asymmetry in the narcissist's relationships. The partner, having made this incredible choice to live with the narcissist (to bear this cross) is worthy of special consideration in compensation. The narcissist's willing partner - a rarity - warrants special treatment and a special (double) standard. The partner can be unfaithful, withholding (emotionally, financially), be dependent, be abusive, critical and so on - and, yet, be forgiven unconditionally.

This, no doubt, is the direct result of the narcissist's very flawed sense of self worth and of an overpowering sense of inferiority.

This asymmetry is also an effective barrier against the expression of anger, even legitimate anger.

Instead, the narcissist accumulates his grievances every time that the partner takes advantage of the asymmetry (or is perceived by the narcissist to be doing so). The narcissist tries to convince himself that such abuse is an expected result of the daily friction of cohabitation, especially by partners with radically different personalities.

Some of the anger is passively-aggressively expressed. The frequency of sexual relations is reduced. Less sex, less talk, less touch. Sometimes the pent-up aggression erupts explosively in the form of rage attacks. These are usually followed by panicky reactions intended to restore the balance and to reassure the narcissist that he is not about to be abandoned.

Following such rage attacks, the narcissist regresses to passiveness, maudlin tenderness, appeasing gestures, or to wimpish, saccharine, and infantile behavior. The narcissist does not expect or accept same behavior from his partner. She is allowed to be cantankerous to her heart's content without as much as apologizing.

Another hurdle on the narcissist's way to establishing lasting (if not healthy) relationships is his excess rationality and, chiefly, his tendency to generalize on the basis of tenuous and flimsy evidence (hyper-inductiviteness).

The narcissist regards abandonment or rejection by his emotional-sexual partners as a final verdict concerning his very ability to have such relationships in the future. Because of the mechanisms of self-denigration I have described, the narcissist is likely to idealize his mate and believe that she must have been uniquely predisposed and "equipped" to cope with him.

He "remembers" the way his partner sacrificed herself on the altar of the relationship. The more convinced the narcissist is that his partner invested extraordinarily in the relationship and the more assured he is that she was uniquely equipped to succeed in it - the more frightened he becomes.

Why the fear?

Because if this partner, as qualified as she was, as desirous of him as she was, failed to sustain the relationship - surely, no one else is likely to succeed. The narcissist believes that he is doomed to an existence of loneliness and destitution. He stands no chance of ever having a resilient, healthy relationship with another partner.}

The narcissist would do anything to avoid this conclusion. He begs his partner to return and re-establish the relationship, no matter what transpired. Her very return proves to him that he is worthy, the preferred alternative, someone with whom maintaining a relationship is possible.

The partner, in other words, is the narcissist's equivalent of market research. That he was chosen by the partner is tantamount to receiving a quality award.

This dyad comprised of a "quality inspector" and a "chosen product" is only one of the pairs of roles adopted by the narcissist and his partner. Others include: "the sick" and "the healthy", "the doctor/psychologist" and "the patient", "the poor, underprivileged girl" and "the white knight in shining armor" dyads.

Both roles - the narcissist's and the one willingly (or unwillingly) adopted by the partner - are facets of the narcissist's personality. Through complex projective identification processes and other projective defence mechanisms the narcissist fosters a dialogue between parts of his self, using his partner as a mirror and a communication conduit.

Thus, by fostering such dialogs, the narcissist's relationships have a highly therapeutic value on the one hand. On the other hand they suffer from all the problems of a regime of psychotherapy: transference, counter-transference and the like.

Let us briefly study the pair of roles "sick-healthy" or "patient-doctor". The narcissist can assume either role in this pair.

If the narcissist is the "healthy" one, he attributes to his "sick" partner his own inability to form long-standing, emotion-infused couple relationships. This would be because she is "sick" (sexually hyperactive, "Nymphomaniac", frigid, unable to commit, to be intimate, unjust, moody, or traumatized by events in her past).

The narcissist, on the other hand, judges himself to be homely and striving to establish a "healthy" couple. He interprets the behavior of his partner to support this "theory". His partner displays emergent behaviors, which conform with her role. Sometimes, the narcissist invests less in such a relationship because he regards his mere existence - sane, strong, omnipotent, and omniscient - to be a sufficient investment (a gift, really), voiding the need to add "maintenance efforts" to it.

In the other, converse case, the narcissist labels many of his behavior patterns as "sick". This usually coincides with latent or open hypochondriasis. The partner's health is idealized to form the background with which the narcissist's purported sickness is contrasted. This is a responsibility shifting mechanism. If the narcissist's pathology is deep seated and irreversible - then he cannot be held responsible for his actions, past and future.

This role playing is the narcissist's ways of coping with an insoluble dilemma.

The narcissist is mortally terrified of being abandoned by his partner. This fear drives him to minimize his interactions with his partner to avoid the inevitable pain of rejection. This, in turn, leads exactly to the feared abandonment. The narcissist knows that his behavior instigates that which he is so afraid of.

In a way he is happy about it, because it gives him the illusion that he is in exclusive control of the relationship and of his own fate. His alleged "sickness" helps to explain his unusual conduct.

Ultimately, the narcissist loses his partners in all his relationships. He hates himself for it and is enraged. It is because of the life-threatening magnitude of these negative emotions that they are repressed. Every conceivable psychological defence mechanism is employed to sublimate, transform (through cognitive dissonance), dissociate or re-direct this self-mutilating wrath.

This constant inner turmoil generates unremitting fear manifested in the form of anxiety attacks, or an Anxiety Disorder. In the course of such life crises, the narcissist briefly believes that he is intrinsically deformed and defective and that he is irreparably dysfunctional when it comes to establishing and to maintaining relationships (which is true!).

The narcissist - especially during a life crisis - loses touch with reality. Defective reality tests and even psychotic micro-episodes are common. Narcissists interpret the (fairly common) mismatch between personalities that doomed the relationships in an apocalyptic manner. Dependence, a symbiotic interaction, raises doubts regarding the narcissist's very ability to form relationships.

But throughout all this, the narcissist needs a collaborative partner. He needs someone to serve as a sounding board, a mirror, and a victim. In other words, he needs a Polyandric woman.

The narcissist thinks of all women as either Monoandric or Polyandric.

The Monoandric woman is psychologically mature. She is usually older and sexually sated. She prefers intimacy and companionship to sexual satisfaction. She is in possession of a mental blueprint, which dictates her short-term goals. In her relationships, she emphasizes compatibility and is predominantly verbal.

The narcissist reacts with fear and repulsion (mixed with rage and the wish to frustrate) to the Monoandric woman. Consciously, though, he realizes that intimacy can be created only with this kind of woman.

The Polyandric woman is young (if not of age, then at heart). She is still sexually curious and varies her sexual partners. She is not adept at creating intimacy and emotional rapport. Because she is more interested in the accumulation of experiences - her life is not guided by a "master plan", or even by medium-term goals.

The narcissist is aware of the transience of his relationship with the Polyandric woman. So, he is attracted to her while being devoured by his fear of abandonment.

The narcissist, almost always, finds himself paired with Polyandric women. They pose no threat of getting emotionally close to him (of being intimate). The incompatibility between the narcissist and Polyandric women is so high and the probability of abandonment and rejection so great - that intimacy is all but excluded.

Moreover, this consuming fear of being left behind leads to a re-enactment of the primordial Oedipal conflict and to a whole set of transference relations with the Polyandric woman. This inevitably results in the very abandonment the narcissist so dreads. Serious psychological crises follow such relationships (narcissistic trauma or injury).

The narcissist knows (or, if less self-aware, feels) all this. He is not as much attracted to the Polyandric woman as he is repelled by the Monoandric variety. Monoandric women threaten him with two things deemed by the narcissist to be even worse than abandonment: intimacy and a loss of uniqueness. Monoandric women are the venue through which the narcissist can communicate with his very threatening inner world. Last but not least, they want him to settle into a molded non-unique way of life common to virtually all humanity: marriage, children, a career.

On the one hand, there is nothing like children to make the narcissist feel threatened. They are the embodiment of commonness, a reminder of his own, dark, childhood, and an infringement upon his privileges. They compete with him for scarce Narcissistic Supply.

On the other hand, there is nothing like children to boost an habitually flagging ego. In short, nothing like children to create conflict in the tormented soul of the narcissist.

The narcissist does not react to people (or interact with them) as individuals. Rather, he generalizes and tends to treat people as symbols or "classes". This is also true in his relationships with "his" women. Women resent this kind of treatment and, gradually, the narcissist finds it more and more difficult to be himself with them.

Women analyze his body language, his verbal and non-verbal communication and compare their own pathologies to his. They study his behavior patterns and his interactions with his (human) milieu and (non-human) environment. They test their sexual compatibility by having sex with him.

They examine other types of compatibility by cohabiting or by prolonged dating. Their mating decision is based on the data they thus glean plus some "evolutionary survival parameters": the narcissist's genotype (genetic and chemical makeup), his phenotype (his looks and constitution), as well as his access to economic resources.

This is a standard mating procedure with standard mating checklists. The narcissist usually passes the genotype and phenotype reviews. Many narcissists, however, fail the third test: their ability to support themselves and their dependants economically. Narcissism is a very unstable mental condition and it complicates the narcissist's functioning in daily life.

Most narcissists tend to move between numerous positions and jobs, to gamble away their savings, and to become heavily indebted. The narcissist rarely accumulates wealth, property, assets, or possessions. The narcissist prefers to fake knowledge rather than to acquire it and to compromise rather to fight.

He usually finds himself engaged in capacities far below his intellectual ability. Women notice this as well as his pompous, inflated body language, haughtiness, rage attacks and severe acting out. Finally, the closer they get to the narcissist, the more they are be able to discern antisocial, abnormal, and a-normative behaviors.

The narcissist turns out to be a crook, an adventurer, a crisis-prone, danger seeking, emotionally cold, sexually abstaining or hyperactive individual. He might be self-destructive, self-defeating, success-fearing, and media-addicted. His turbulent biography is likely to include abnormal sexual and emotional relationships, prison terms, bankruptcies and divorces. Hardly the ideal partner.

Even worse, the narcissist is likely to be a misogynist. He regards women as a direct threat to his uniqueness, and a potential for degradation. To him, they are the conformity agents of society, the domesticating whips. By forcing him into homemaking, child rearing and the assumption of long term consumer credits (and mortgages), women are likely to reduce the narcissist to a Common Man, an anathema. Women represent an invasion of the narcissist's privacy, unmasking his defence mechanisms by "X-raying" his soul (the narcissist attributes paranormal powers of penetration to women).

They possess the ability to hurt him through abandonment and rejection. The narcissist feels that women are very "business-like, use and discard" type of people. They exploit their capacities for deep psychological insight to further their goals. In other words, they are sinister and are not to be trusted. Their motives should always be questioned.

This is the old fear of intimacy disguised. These are the old phobias: of being controlled, of being assimilated, of losing control, of being hurt, of being vulnerable. This is the deep-rooted feeling of emotional inadequacy. The narcissist believes that, upon closer scrutiny, he will be found lacking emotionally and, thus, unlovable.

It is part of the narcissist's "Con-Artist Effect". The narcissist feels an objective and thorough scrutiny is bound to expose him for what he is: a fake, an impostor, a con man. The narcissist is the chameleon-like "Zelig" - everything to everyone, no one to himself.

Narcissists interact with women emotionally (and later, sexually), or only physically.

When the interaction is emotional, the narcissist feels that he is risking the loss of his uniqueness, that his privacy is invaded, that his defence mechanisms are being unraveled, and that information divulged by him (following the collapse of his defenses) might be abused through destructive criticism or extortion.

The narcissist constantly feels that he is rejected. Even if such rejection is the normal outcome of incompatibility, without any comparative judgment and "rating" - the feeling persists. The narcissist just "knows" that she is not sexually or emotionally exclusive (others preceded him and others will succeed him).

During the initial phases of emotional involvement the narcissist is likely to be told that there was no one like him in the partner's life before. He judges this to be a false and hypocritical statement simply because it is likely to have been uttered before, to others. This prevailing sense of falsity permeates the relationship from the very start.

In the back of his mind the narcissist always remembers that he is "different" (sick). He recognizes that this deformity is likely to thwart any relationship and to lead to abandonment, or at lease to rejection. The seeds of abandonment are embedded in every nascent interaction with a woman. The narcissist has to cope with his special predicament as well as with social changes and the disintegration of the social fabric, which anyhow make sustaining relationship an ever more difficult achievement in today's world.

The alternative, mere corporeal contact, the narcissist finds repellant. There, uniqueness and exclusivity - what the narcissist relishes most - are definitely absent.

This is especially true if an emotional dimension does exist in the relationship. Whereas the narcissist can always convince himself that both his emotions and their background are unique and unprecedented - he is hard pressed to do so concerning the sexual aspect of the relationship. Surely, he hasn't been his lover's first sexual partner and sex is a common and vulgar pursuit.

Still, some narcissists prefer less complicated and less threatening sex: devoid of all emotion, anonymous (group sex, prostitution) or autoerotic (homosexual or masturbation). The sexual partner, in these conditions, lacks identity, is objectified and dehumanized. Exclusivity cannot be demanded of objects and the potential risk of unfaithfulness is happily allayed.

An example that I always use: a narcissist, eating in a restaurant, would rarely feel that his uniqueness is threatened by the fact that thousands of people ate there before him and are likely to do so after his departure. Eating in a restaurant is an impersonal, objectified, routine.

The notion of his own uniqueness is so fragile that the narcissist requires "total compliance" in order to be able to maintain it.

Thus, the emotional and sexual exclusivity of his partner (a pillar in the temple of his uniqueness) must be both spatial and temporal. To satisfy the narcissist, the partner must be sexually and emotionally exclusive in both her past and her present. This sounds highly possessive - and it is. The narcissist shivers at the thought of his partner's past lovers and her exploits with them. He is even jealous of movie actors, whom his partner finds appealing.

This need not deteriorate into active, violent jealousy. In most cases, it is an insidious form of envy, which poisons the relationship through mutated forms of aggression.

The narcissist's possessiveness is geared to safeguard his self-imputed uniqueness. The partner's exclusivity enhances the narcissist's sensation of uniqueness. But why can't the narcissist be unique to his partner today as others have been to her in the past?

Because serial uniqueness is a contradiction in terms, uniqueness means ultimate compatibility, enzyme and substrate, protein and receptor, antigen and antibody, almost immunological specificity. The likelihood of serially enjoying precisely such compatibility with successive partners is very low.

For serial compatibility to occur the following conditions have to be met (believes the narcissist):

That one (or both) of the partners will have changed so radically that the former specifications of compatibility are replaced by new ones. This radical change can come from the inside (endogenous) or from the outside (exogenous). Such a dramatic shift must, therefore, occur with every new partner.
Or that each partner is even more specifically compatible than its predecessor - a highly unlikely occurrence.
Or that compatibility is never achieved and one (or both) partners react badly to some of the specifications and initiates separation in order to move on to a more suitable partner
Or that compatibility is never achieved and any claim to the contrary (especially the sentence "I love you") is false. The relationship, in this case, is contaminated by major hypocrisy.

Yet, narcissists do get married. They do try to have lifetime partners. This is because they distinguish "their" women from all other. The narcissist's occasional girlfriend (however "permanent") and his permanent partner (however randomly chosen) must satisfy different requirements .

The permanent partner (wife, usually) must meet four conditions:

She must act as the narcissist's companion but on highly unequal terms. She must be submissive and motherly, sufficiently intelligent to admire and admiring enough never to criticize, critical enough to assist him and helpful enough to make a good friend. This contradictory equation can never be solved and leads to bouts of frustration and rage staged by the narcissist if any of his demands or expectations goes unheeded.

The narcissist's partner has to share quarters with him. But the narcissist, with an inflated sense of privacy and what can be best described as spatial paranoia, is very hard to live with. He regards her presence in his space as intrusion. The fragile or non-existent boundaries of his ego force him to define rigid outer boundaries for fear of being "invaded".

He enforces his brand of compulsive orderliness and his code of conduct on his entire physical space in the most tyrannical manner.

It is a hybrid, almost transcendental existence led by the narcissist's mate or spouse. There when required by him, making herself absent at all other times. Rarely can she define her own space or impress her personal preferences and tastes upon it.

The cerebral narcissist's partner is usually his only sexual mate. Cerebral narcissists are normally very faithful because they are mortally afraid of the repercussions if found out cheating. But, being purely Sexual Communicators, they get bored very easily and find it ever more taxing to maintain regular (let alone exciting) sexual relations with the same partner.

They are under-stimulated and for want of alternatives, they develop a vicious frustration-aggression cycle, leading to emotional absence and coldness and to sexual intercourse decreasing in both quality and quantity. This could drive the partner to having extramarital sexual (or, even emotional) affairs.

It provides the narcissist with the justification that he needs to do the same. However, the narcissist rarely uses this license. Instead he leverages the partner's inevitable guilt feelings to deepen his control over her and to place himself in a morally superior position.

Often, the narcissist destabilizes the relationship and keeps his partner off-balance, in constant uncertainty and insecurity by suggesting an open marriage, possible participation in group sex and so on. Or, he constantly alludes to sexual opportunities available to him. This he might do jokingly but he ignores his partner's avid protestations. By provoking her jealousy, the narcissist believes that he endears himself to her and furthers his control.

Last - but definitely not least - is the issue of procreation and of having offspring.

Narcissists like children only as unlimited sources of Narcissistic Supply. Put simply: children unconditionally admire the father-narcissist, they succumb to his every wish, submit to his every whim, obey his every command, and are deliciously malleable.

All other aspects of child-rearing are considered by the narcissist to be repulsive: the noises, the smells, the invasion of his space, the nuisance, the dangers, the long term commitment and, above all, the diversion of attention and admiration from the narcissist to his offspring. The narcissist envies his successful offspring as he would any other competitor for adulation and attention.

A profile of the narcissist's spouse emerges:

She must value the narcissist's companionship sufficiently to sacrifice any independent expression of her personality. She must usually endure confinement in her own home. She either refrains from bringing children to the world altogether or sacrifices them to the narcissist as instruments of his gratification. She must endure long spells of sexual abstinence or be sexually molested by the narcissist.

This is a vicious cycle. The narcissist is likely to devalue such a submissive partner. The narcissist detests self-sacrifice and self-effacement. He scorns such behavior in others. He humiliates his partner until she leaves him and, thus, proves that she is assertive and autonomous. Then, of course, he idealizes her and wants her back.

The narcissist is interested in the kind of woman that he is able to drive to abandon him by sadistically berating and humiliating her (on what could be regarded as justified grounds).

In his internal dialogues, the narcissist mulls over his problematic experience with the opposite sex.

A far as he is concerned, women are emotional objects, instant narcissistic solutions. As long as they are indiscriminately supportive, adoring and admiring they fulfill the critical role of source of narcissistic supply.

We are on safe ground, therefore, when we say that mentally stable and healthy women refrain from having relationships with narcissists.

The narcissist's lifestyle, his reactions, in short: his disorder, prevent the development of a mature love, of real sharing, of empathy. The narcissist's mate, spouse, or partner is treated as an object. She is the subject of projections, projective identifications and a source of adulation.

Moreover, the narcissist himself is unlikely to cultivate a long-term relationship with a psychologically healthy, independent, and mature woman. He seeks her dependence within a relationship of superiority and inferiority (teacher-student, guru-disciple, idol-admirer, therapist-patient, doctor-patient, father-daughter, adult-adolescent or young girl, etc.).

The narcissist is an anachronism. He is a Victorian arch conservative, even if he denies it vehemently. He rejects feminism. He feels ill at ease in today's modern world and is seldom self-conscious enough to understand why. He pretends to be a liberal. But this conviction does not sit well with his envy, an integral element of his narcissistic personality.

His conservatism and jealousy combine to yield extreme possessiveness and a powerful fear of abandonment. The latter can (and does) bring about self-defeating and self-destructive behaviors. These, in turn, encourage the partner to abandon the narcissist. The narcissist, thus, feels that he has aided and abetted the process, that he facilitated his own abandonment.

This is all part of a facade whose genesis can only be partially attributed to repression or denial mechanisms. This fake front is coherent, consistent, ubiquitous and completely misleading. The narcissist uses it to project both his cognition (the results of conscious thought processes) and his affect (emotions).

The narcissist, for instance, would adopt the role of a warm, sensitive, considerate and empathic person - while, in truth, he is likely to be emotionally shallow, to have attention deficits, to be inordinately self centred, insensitive and unaware of what is happening around him and to other people.

He makes promises casually, plagiarizes with abandon, and pathologically (compulsively and unnecessarily) lies - all part of the same phenomenon: a promising, impressive front behind, which are concealed psychical "Potemkin Villages". This makes him the target of strong frustration, hate, hostility and even verbal, physical or legal violence.

The same scenario applies to matters of the heart. The narcissist employs the same tactics with women.

The narcissist lies because he thinks his reality is too "grey" and unattractive. He feels that his skills, traits, and experience are lacking, that his biography is boring, that many aspects of his life call for improvement. The narcissist desperately wants to be loved - and modifies and mends himself to render himself loveable.

To this there is only one exception.

The Sociologist Erving Goffman coined the phrase "Total Institutions". He was referring to institutions with total regulation of the totality of life within them. The army is such an institution and so is a hospital, or a prison. To some extent, any alien environment is total. Living outside one's country, in a foreign, somewhat xenophobic and hostile, society, is reminiscent of living in a Total Institution ("Total Situation").

The mental health problems of some narcissists grow worse in such institutions - and this is understandable. There is nothing like a total institution to negate uniqueness.

But others feel relaxed and secure. How come?

This is an enigma the solution to which provides us with important insights regarding the codes, which control the narcissist's attitudes towards women.

Total Institutions and Total Situations have a few common denominators:

They eliminate the individual's idiosyncratic identity through external measures such as donning uniforms, sleeping in dormitories, using numbers instead of names. In hospitals the patients are identified by their organs or conditions, for instance. But this is counterweighed by a sense of emerging, compensatory uniqueness, the result of belonging to a mysterious select few, an order of suffering or guilt, a brotherhood of endurance.
People in these places have no past or future. They live in an infinite present.
The starting conditions of all the inmates are identical. There are no relative or absolute advantages, no value judgments, no rating of worthiness, no competition, no inferiority or superiority complexes induced from the outside. This, naturally, is a gross oversimplification, even, to some extent, a misstatement of the facts - but we need to idealize in order to analyze.
The Total Institution offers no frame of reference or of comparison which might foster feelings of failure or of inferiority.
The constant threat of sanctions restrains and constrains destructive behaviors. A heightened awareness of reality is necessary for survival. Any self-injury or sabotage is punished more severely than in the outside, "relative", world.

Thus, the narcissist can attribute any failure to his new environment.

If his new environment is the outcome of a voluntary choice (for instance, emigration) the narcissist can say that it was he who chose failure over success - a choice that indeed he made.

Otherwise, the failure is ascribed to overriding external imperatives ("force majeure"). The narcissist has an alternative in this case. He doesn't have to identify with his failures or to internalize them because he can convincingly argue (mainly to himself) that they are not his, that success was impossible under the objective circumstances.

Coping with recurrent failure is a figment of the narcissist's inner life. The narcissist would tend to regard himself as a failure. He doesn't say: "I failed" - but "I am a failure". Whenever he fails - and he is predisposed to fail - he "assimilates" the failure and identifies with it in an act of transubstantiation.

Narcissists are more prone to failure because of their built-in precariousness, instability and their tendency for brinkmanship. The schism between their rational apparatus and their emotional one doesn't help, either. While, usually, highly talented and intelligent - narcissists are emotionally immature and pathological.

Narcissists know that they are inferior to other people in that they are self-defeating and self-destructive. They solve this gap between their grandiose fantasies and their sordid and drab reality (the Grandiosity Gap) by manufacturing and designing their own failures. This way they feel that they control their misfortune.

Obviously, this apparently ingenious mechanism is, in itself, destructive.

On the one hand, it succeeds to make the narcissist feel that he is in control of his failures (if not of his life). On the other hand, the fact that the failure directly and unequivocally emanates from the narcissist - makes it an inseparable part of him. Thus, the narcissist feels not only that he is the author of his own failures (which, in some cases, he, indeed, is) - but that failure forms an integral part of himself (which, gradually, becomes true).

It is due to this identification with his failures, defeats and mishaps, that the narcissist finds it hard to "market" himself, be it to a potential employer or to a woman he desires. T

The narcissist holds himself to be a total (systemic) failure. His self-esteem and self-image are always crippled. He feels that he doesn't have "anything to offer". When he tries to derive consolation from the memory of past successes - the comparison depresses him even further, making him feel that he is in at a nadir.

As it is, the narcissist regards any need to promote himself as demeaning. One promotes oneself because one needs others, because one is inferior (however temporarily). This reliance on others is both external (economic, for example) and internal (emotional). The narcissist is also afraid of the possibility of being rejected, of failing at his self-promotion. This kind of failure may have the worst effect, compounding the narcissist's feeling of worthlessness.

No wonder that the narcissist regards any necessity to self-promote as humiliating, as negating his self-respect in a cold, alienated, transactional universe. The narcissist fails to understand why he needs to promote himself when his uniqueness is so self-evident. He envies the successes and the happiness of others (their successful self-promotion).

None of these problems arises in a Total Institution or outside the narcissist's natural milieu (abroad, for instance), or in a Total Situation.

In these settings, failure can be explained away by being attributed to poor starting conditions inherent in a new envirnment. The narcissist does not have to internalize the failure or to identify with it. The act of self-promotion is also made much easier. It is understandable why one has to promote oneself if one is rendered inferior or unknown by circumstances of one's choice.

In total situations, the need to market oneself is understandable, external, and objective, a force majeure, really, though brought about by the narcissist himself. The narcissist compares the situation to a game of chess: you select which game to play but once you have done so, you have to abide by the rules, however disadvantageous.

In these circumstances failure can be attributed to outside forces - including the failure to promote oneself. The act of self-promotion cannot, by definition, dehumanize the narcissist or humiliate him. In a Total Institution (or in a Total Situation) the narcissist is no longer a human being - he has nothing.

The positive aspect of total situations is that the narcissist is rendered special and mysterious by virtue of being a stranger and even by the enigma of his prior identity. The narcissist cannot envy the natives' successes and happiness - clearly they had a head start. They belong, they control, they dictate, they are supported by social networks and codes.

The narcissist cannot accept that anyone is more knowledgeable than he is. He is likely to argue vehemently with the medical staff attending him over his treatment, for instance. But he succumbs to force (the more brutal and explicit - the better). And while doing so, the narcissist feels a great relief: the race is over and responsibility has been shifted to the outside. He is almost euphoric when relieved of the need to make decisions, or when he finds himself in a bad spot because this vindicates his internal voices, which keep telling him that he is bad and should be punished.

It is this fear of failure - especially the fear of failing to promote himself - that thwarts the narcissist's relationships with women and with other figures of authority or of import in his life.

It is really the old fear of being abandoned in one of its endless guises. The narcissist envies his deserting partner. He knows how difficult and emotionally wrenching it is to live with him. He realizes that his partner will be much better off without him - and this makes him sad (that he was unable to offer her an acceptable alternative) and envious (that her lot is likely to be better than his.) Of course, he displaces some of his emotions, blaming his partner, then blaming himself, angry at her and afraid to feel this (forbidden) anger (at his mother's substitute).

The narcissist does not feel sorry because a specific individual - his partner - abandoned him. He feels sorry because he was abandoned. It is the act of abandonment, which matters - the abandoning figures (his mother, his partners) are interchangeable.

The narcissist always shares his life with a fantasy, an idealization, with an ideal phantasm he imposes upon his real life partner. Abandonment is only the rebellion of the real life partner against this fiction invented and compulsively enforced by the narcissist, against the humiliation thus suffered - verbal and behavioral.

For the narcissist, to be abandoned means to be judged and found wanting. To be deserted means to be deemed replaceable. At its extreme, it can come to mean the emotional annihilation of the narcissist. He feels that when a woman leaves him she does so because there it is emotionally easy to get away from him and never to see him again. There is no problem to bid farewell to someone who just is not there (at least emotionally). The narcissist feels annulled, rendered transparent, abused, exploited, and objectified.

Put differently, the narcissist experiences through abandonment (even through the mere risk of abandonment) a re-enactment of the very mistreatment and abuses, which, earlier in his life, transformed him into the deformed creature that he is. He gets a taste of the medicine (rather poison) that he often ruthlessly administers to others. At the same time he relives his harrowing childhood experiences.

This mirror matrix of forces is too much for the narcissist to bear. He begins to disintegrate and veers into utter and complete dysfunction. At this late stage, he is likely to entertain suicidal ideation. An encounter with the opposite sex holds mortal risks for the narcissist - more ominous than the risks normally associated with it.

next: Surviving the Narcissist

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 1). Narcissists and Women, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, October 4 from https://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/narcissists-and-women

Last Updated: June 1, 2016

The Narcissist in Court

Sam Vaknin

Watch the video on Narcissists in Court

Question:

How can I expose the lies of the narcissist in a court of law? He acts so convincing!

Answer:

You should distinguish the factual pillar from the psychological pillar of any cross-examination of a narcissist or deposition made by him.

It is essential to be equipped with absolutely unequivocal, first rate, thoroughly authenticated and vouched for information. The reason is that narcissists are superhuman in their capacity to distort reality by offering highly "plausible" alternative scenarios, which fit most of the facts.

It is very easy to "break" a narcissist - even a well-trained and well-prepared one.

Here are a few of the things the narcissist finds devastating:

Any statement or fact, which seems to contradict his inflated perception of his grandiose self.

Any criticism, disagreement, exposure of fake achievements, belittling of "talents and skills" which the narcissist fantasises that he possesses.

Any hint that he is subordinated, subjugated, controlled, owned or dependent upon a third party.

Any description of the narcissist as average and common, indistinguishable from many others.

Any hint that the narcissist is weak, needy, dependent, deficient, slow, not intelligent, naive, gullible, susceptible, not in the know, manipulated, a victim, an average person of mediocre accomplishments.

The narcissist is likely to react with rage to all these and, in an effort to re-establish his fantastic grandiosity, he is likely to expose facts and stratagems he had no conscious intention of exposing.

The narcissist reacts indignantly, with wrath, hatred, aggression, or even overt violence to any infringement of what he perceives to be his natural entitlement.

Narcissists believe that they are so unique and that their lives are of such cosmic significance that others should defer to their needs and cater to their every whim without ado. The narcissist feels entitled to interact or be treated (or questioned) only by unique individuals. He resents being doubted and "ridiculed".

Any insinuation, hint, intimation, or direct declaration that the narcissist is not special at all, that he is average, common, not even sufficiently idiosyncratic to warrant a fleeting interest inflame the narcissist. He holds himself to be omnipotent and omniscient.

Tell the narcissist that he does not deserve the best treatment, that his desires are not everyone's priority, that he is boring or ignorant, that his needs can be catered to by any common practitioner (medical doctor, accountant, lawyer, psychiatrist), that he and his motives are transparent and can be easily gauged, that he will do what he is told, that his temper tantrums will not be tolerated, that no special concessions will be made to accommodate his inflated sense of self, that he is subject to court procedures, etc. - and the narcissist will likely lose control.

The narcissist believes that he is the cleverest, far above the madding crowd.

Contradict him often, disagree with him and criticize his judgement, expose his shortcomings, humiliate and berate him ("You are not as intelligent as you think you are", "Who is really behind all this? It takes sophistication which you don't seem to posses ", "So, you have no formal education", "You are (mistake his age, make him much older)", "What did you do in your life? Did you study? Do you have a degree? Did you ever establish or run a business? Would you define yourself as a success?", "Would your children share your view that you are a good father?", "You were last seen with a certain Ms. ... who is (suppressed grin) a stripper (in demeaning disbelief)".

I know that many of these questions cannot be asked outright in a court of law. But you can insinuate them or hurl these sentences at him during the breaks, inadvertently during the examination or deposition phase, etc. Narcissists hate innuendos even more than they detest direct attacks.

next: Narcissists and Women

APA Reference
Vaknin, S. (2008, December 1). The Narcissist in Court, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, October 4 from https://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/the-narcissist-in-court

Last Updated: July 4, 2018

Eating Disorder Behaviors Are Adaptive Functions

HealthyPlace.com Staff Writer

A struggling will, an insecure feeling, and despair may manifest themselves in problems with the care and feeding of the body but are fundamentally a problem with the care and feeding of the soul. In her aptly titled book The Obsession: Reflections on the Tyranny of Slenderness, Kim Chernin has written, "The body holds meaning . . . when we probe beneath the surface of our obsession with weight, we will find that a woman obsessed with her body is also obsessed with the limitations of her emotional life. Through her concern with her body she is expressing a serious concern about the state of her soul."

What are the emotional limitations commonly seen in individuals with eating disorders? What is the state of their souls?

Common States of Being for the Eating Disordered Individual

Low self-esteem
Diminished self-worth
Belief in the thinness myth
Need for distraction
Dichotomous (black or white) thinking
Feelings of emptiness
Quest for perfection
Desire to be special/unique
Need to be in control
Need for power
Desire for respect and admiration
Difficulty expressing feelings
Need for escape or a safe place to go
Lack of coping skills
Lack of trust in self and others
Terrified of not measuring up

The scope of this book does not allow a detailed analysis of every possible reason or theory that could explain the development of an eating disorder. What the reader will find is this author's overview explanation, which involves the discussion of common underlying issues observed in patients. Additional information on the development and treatment of eating disorders from varying theoretical viewpoints can be found in chapter 9 on treatment philosophies.

Eating disorder symptoms serve some kind of purpose that goes beyond weight loss, food as comfort, or an addiction, and beyond a need to be special or in control. Eating disorder symptoms can be seen as behavioral manifestations of a disordered self, and through understanding and working with this disordered self the purpose or meaning of the behavioral symptoms can be discovered.

In trying to understand the meaning of someone's behavior, it is helpful to think of the behavior as serving a function or "doing a job." Once the function is discovered, it becomes easier to understand why it is so difficult to give it up and, furthermore, how to replace it. When exploring deep within the psyche of eating disordered individuals, one can find explanations for a whole series of adaptive functions serving as substitutes for the missing functions that should have been, but weren't, supplied in childhood.

Paradoxically, then, an eating disorder, for all of the problems it creates, is an effort to cope, communicate, defend against, and even solve other problems. For some, starving may be in part an attempt to establish a sense of power, worth, strength and containment, and specialness because of inadequate mirroring responses, such as praise, from caregivers.

Binge eating may be used to express comfort or to numb pain, due to a developmental deficit in the ability to self-soothe. Purging may serve as an acceptable physiological and psychological release of anger or anxiety if the expression of one's feelings in childhood was ignored or led to ridicule or abuse. Eating disorder symptoms are paradoxical, in that they can be used as an expression of and defense against feelings and needs. The symptoms of eating disorders can be seen as a repression or punishment of the self, or as a way of asserting the self, which has found no other way out.

Here are some examples of how these behaviors fill emotional needs:

An expression of and defense against early childhood needs and feelings. It's too scary to need anything, I try not to even need food.
Self-destructive and self-affirming attitudes. I will be the thinnest girl at my school, even if it kills me.
An assertion of self and a punishment of self. I insist on eating whatever and whenever I want, even though being fat is making me miserable . . . I deserve it.
Used as cohesive functions, psychologically holding the person together. If I don't purge I'm anxious and distracted. After I purge I can calm down and get things done.

The development of an eating disorder can begin early in life when childhood needs and mental states are not properly responded to by caregivers and thus get disowned, repressed, and shunted off into a separate part of a person's psyche. The child develops deficits in his or her capacities for self-cohesion and self-esteem regulation. At some point in time, the individual learns to create a system whereby disordered eating patterns, rather than people, are used to meet needs because previous attempts with caregivers have brought about disappointment, frustration, or even abuse.

For example, caregivers who do not properly comfort and soothe their babies, allowing them to eventually learn how to comfort themselves, create lacks in their children's ability to self-soothe. These children grow up needing to seek abnormal amounts of external comfort or relief. Caregivers who do not accurately listen, acknowledge, validate, and respond make it difficult for a child to learn how to validate himself. Both of these examples could result in:

a distorted self-image (I am selfish, bad, stupid)
no self-image (I don't deserve to be heard or seen, I don't exist)

Disruptions or deficits in self-image and self-development make it increasingly difficult for people to function as they grow older. Adaptive measures are developed, the purpose of which is to make the individual feel whole, safe, and secure. With certain individuals, food, weight loss, and eating rituals are substituted for responsiveness from caregivers. Perhaps in other eras different means were sought as substitutes, but today turning to food or dieting for validation and acknowledgment is understandable in the context of the sociocultural factors described in the previous chapter.

Personality development is disrupted in persons with eating disorders, as eating rituals are substituted for responsiveness and the usual developmental process is arrested. The early needs remain sequestered and cannot be integrated into the adult personality, thus remaining unavailable to awareness and operating on an unconscious level.

Some theorists, including this author, view this process as if, to a greater or lesser degree in each individual, a separate adaptive self is developed. The adaptive self operates from these old sequestered feelings and needs. The eating disorder symptoms are the behavioral component of this separate, split-off self, or what I have come to call the "eating disorder self." This split-off, eating disorder self has a special set of needs, behaviors, feelings, and perceptions all dissociated from the individual's total self-experience. The eating disorder self functions to express, mitigate, or in some way meet underlying unmet needs and make up for the developmental deficits.

The problem is that the eating disorder behaviors are only a temporary Band-Aid and the person needs to keep going back for more; that is, she needs to continue the behaviors to meet the need. Dependency on these "external agents" is developed to fill the unmet needs; thus, an addictive cycle is set up, not an addiction to food but an addiction to whatever function the eating disorder behavior is serving. There is no self-growth, and the underlying deficit in the self remains. To get beyond this, the adaptive function of an individual's eating and weight-related behaviors must be discovered and replaced with healthier alternatives. The following is a list of adaptive functions that eating disorder behaviors commonly serve.

Adaptive Functions of Eating Disorders

Comfort, soothing, nurturance
Numbing, sedation, distraction
Attention, cry for help
Discharge tension, anger, rebellion
Predictability, structure, identity
Self-punishment or punishment of "the body"
Cleanse or purify self
Create small or large body for protection/safety
Avoidance of intimacy
Symptoms prove "I am bad" instead of blaming others (example, abusers)

Eating disorder treatment involves helping individuals get in touch with their unconscious, unresolved needs and providing or helping to provide in the present what the individual was missing in the past. One cannot do this without dealing directly with the eating disorder behaviors themselves, as they are the manifestation of and the windows into the unconscious unmet needs. For example, when a bulimic patient reveals that she binged and purged after a visit with her mother, it would be a mistake for the therapist, in discussing this incident, to focus solely on the relationship between mother and daughter.

The therapist needs to explore the meaning of the bingeing and purging. How did the patient feel before the binge? How did she feel before the purge? How did she feel during and after each? When did she know she was going to binge? When did she know she was going to purge? What might have happened if she didn't binge? What might have happened if she didn't purge? Probing these feelings will provide rich information concerning the function the behaviors served.

When working with an anorexic who has been sexually abused, the therapist should explore in detail the food-restricting behaviors to uncover what the rejection of food means to the patient or what the acceptance of food would mean. How much is too much food? When does a food become fattening? How does it feel when you take food into your body? How does it feel to reject it? What would happen if you were forced to eat? Is there a part of you that would like to be able to eat and another part that won't allow it? What do they say to each other?

Exploring how acceptance or rejection of food may be symbolic of controlling what goes in and out of the body is an important component of doing the necessary therapeutic work. Since sexual abuse is frequently encountered when dealing with eating disordered individuals, the whole area of sexual abuse and eating disorders warrants further discussion.

SEXUAL ABUSE

A controversy has long been brewing about the relationship between sexual abuse and eating disorders. Various researchers have presented evidence supporting or refuting the idea that sexual abuse is prevalent in those with eating disorders and can be considered a causal factor. Looking at the current information, one wonders if early male researchers overlooked, misinterpreted, or downplayed the figures.

In David Garner and Paul Garfinkel's major work on treating eating disorders published in 1985, there were no references to abuse of any nature. H. G. Pope, Jr. and J. I. Hudson (1992) concluded that evidence did not support the hypothesis that childhood sexual abuse is a risk factor for bulimia nervosa. However, on close examination, Susan Wooley (1994) called their data into question, referring to as highly selective. The problem with Pope and Hudson, and many others who early on refuted the relationship between sexual abuse and eating disorders, is that their conclusions were based on a cause-and-effect link.

Looking only for a simple cause-and-effect relationship is like searching with blinders on. Many factors and variables interacting with one another play a role. For an individual who was sexually abused as a child, the nature and severity of the abuse, the functioning of the child prior to the abuse, and how the abuse was responded to will all factor in as to whether this individual will develop an eating disorder or other means of coping. Although other influences need to be present, it is absurd to say that just because the sexual abuse is not the only factor, it is not a factor at all.

As female clinicians and researchers increased on the scene, serious questions began to be raised regarding the gender-related nature of eating disorders and what possible relationship this might have abuse and violence against women in general. As the studies increased in number and the investigators were increasingly female, the evidence grew to support the association between eating problems and early sexual trauma or abuse.

As reported in the book Sexual Abuse and Eating Disorders, edited by Mark Schwartz and Lee Cohen (1996), systematic inquiry into the occurrence of sexual trauma in eating disorder patients has resulted in alarming prevalence figures:

Oppenheimer et al. (1985) reported sexual abuse during childhood and/or adolescence in 70 percent of 78 eating disorder patients. Kearney-Cooke (1988) found 58 percent a history of sexual trauma of 75 bulimic patients. Root and Fallon (1988) reported that in a group of 172 eating disorder patients, 65 percent had been physically abused, 23 percent raped, 28 percent sexually abused in childhood, and 23 percent maltreated in actual relationships. Hall et al. (1989) found 40 percent sexually abused women in a group of 158 eating disorder patients.

Wonderlich, Brewerton, and their colleagues (1997) did a comprehensive study (referred to in chapter 1) that showed childhood sexual abuse was a risk factor for bulimia nervosa. I encourage interested readers to look up this study for details.

Although researchers have used varying definitions of sexual abuse and methodologies in their studies, the above figures show that sexual trauma or abuse in childhood is a risk factor for developing eating disorders. Furthermore, clinicians across the country have experienced countless women who describe and interpret their eating disorder as connected to early sexual abuse. (Visit HealthyPlace.com Abuse Community Center for extensive information on different types of abuse)

Anorexics have described starving and weight loss as a way of trying to avoid sexuality and thus evade or escape sexual drive or feelings or potential perpetrators. Bulimics have described their symptoms as a way of purging the perpetrator, raging at the violator or oneself, and getting rid of the filth or dirtiness inside of them. Binge eaters have suggested that overeating numbs their feelings, distracts them from other bodily sensations, and results in weight gain that "armors" them and keeps them unattractive to potential sexual partners or perpetrators.

It is not important to know the exact prevalence of sexual trauma or abuse in the eating disorder population. When working with an eating disordered individual, it is important to inquire about and explore any abuse history and to discover its meaning and significance along with other factors contributing to the development of disordered eating or exercise behaviors.

With more women in the field of eating disorder research and treatment, the understanding of the origins of eating disorders is shifting. A feminist perspective considers sexual abuse and trauma of women as a social rather than an individual factor that is responsible for our current epidemic of disordered eating of all kinds. The subject calls for continued inquiry and closer scrutiny.

Considering the cultural and psychological contributions to the development of an eating disorder, one question remains: Why don't all people from the same cultural environment, with similar backgrounds, psychological problems, and even abuse histories develop eating disorders? One further answer lies in genetic or biochemical individuality.

By Carolyn Costin, MA, M.Ed., MFCC WebMD Medical Reference from "The Eating Disorders Sourcebook"

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 1). Eating Disorder Behaviors Are Adaptive Functions, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, October 4 from https://www.healthyplace.com/eating-disorders/articles/eating-disorder-behaviors-are-adaptive-functions

Last Updated: August 22, 2022

Advice to Children from Other Children

HealthyPlace.com Staff Writer

...helping each other

Supporting Someone with Bipolar - For Family and Friends

bipolar-articles-42-healthyplace "I was a bipolar kid and now I'm in college. When I was manic as a kid, I'd read. I bet a lot of you kids can learn to read or do math and become really smart.

I could read at a college level when I was in 3rd grade and my sister was first thought to be a math genius. Both of us had crippling learning disorders. Research is a popular field for people who are bipolar.

Did you know they think Einstein had it? Almost all great poets and philosophers had it too. Musicians and movie stars are disproportionately bipolar as well.

Realize that you are special. As a history major, I'll tell you this tidbit. In the ancient Celtic world and the lands of Parthia and Eastern Chaldea, bipolars were a separate caste, they were the Magi and Druids. Remember, the Magi are also called Wise men.

You children will be natural philosophers or, as I'm sure some of you have learned in Greek history, 'lovers of wisdom.'

p.s. It can also make you grow up to be really cute."

next: Communication Guidelines
~ bipolar disorder library
~ all bipolar disorder articles

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 1). Advice to Children from Other Children, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, October 4 from https://www.healthyplace.com/bipolar-disorder/articles/advice-to-children-from-other-children

Last Updated: April 7, 2017

Stories of Bipolar Misdiagnosis - Colleen

HealthyPlace.com Staff Writer

Bipolar NOT Depression

by Colleen
August 1, 2005

I'm 30, but my bipolar symptoms started becoming disruptive to my life at about 15 years of age. I am intensely private and was able to hide my problems and difficulties for quite awhile. Last summer, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder; so I lived with manic-depression for about 14 years before I was correctly diagnosed.

Sadly, I even went to my doctor and asked about bipolar 5 years before my diagnosis, but he said I had depression.

The Devastation Caused By An Incorrect Diagnosis

Bipolar has brought me to the brink of total destruction and it has been a hard fight back. Because of my craziness during those years, I lost my home, my marriage, declared bankruptcy, was suicidal, sexually promiscuous (which thankfully didn't lead to unplanned pregnancy or disease), legal problems, lost countless jobs, drove dear friends away, and almost lost my children.

I often wonder if going undiagnosed/misdiagnosed for so many years led to my condition being more devastating than it would have been had my condition been recognized sooner.

I think my children have suffered more than anyone and I feel terrible for that. Every day is a struggle with them because my level of "normal" is harder than most people's. It takes a firm routine and a will of steel to stay on track.

A Correct Diagnosis Makes A World of Difference

I am now on a combination of bipolar medications. They do help a lot. I went through years of therapy when they thought I was depressed and although it helped a bit, therapy alone can't control mania.

Luckily, I now have a wonderful doctor and counselor who help me every step of the way and I am slowly rebuilding. I have been living in a place of my own with my young children for a year now. I hold a full-time job again and pay my bills. These are all huge steps for me. However, I can never undo the damage to friendships, my marriage, my children, my university courses, job history, and my credit rating.

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 1). Stories of Bipolar Misdiagnosis - Colleen, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, October 4 from https://www.healthyplace.com/depression/bipolar/stories-of-bipolar-misdiagnosis-colleen

Last Updated: January 10, 2022

What Causes Clinical Depression?

HealthyPlace.com Staff Writer

What causes clinical depression? There's some debate concerning the causes of depression. Is it a physiological disorder of the brain or certain events? There is some debate concerning the causes of depression. On the one hand, it is considered a physiological disorder of the brain. Signals are sent through the brain--and in fact the entire nervous system--by special chemicals called neurotransmitters. There are many of these, but the ones which seem to have the greatest impact on a person's mood are serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine. Depression appears to involve a reduced amount of one or more of these, hindering brain signals and in turn causing the various symptoms of depression. MRI's and brain tissue samples of depressed patients shows that these neurotransmitters are below normal.

While this is true, however, there are usually circumstantial influences as well. Depression almost always follows some upsetting or terrible event in someone's life (it can come immediately or after some length of time). Cases in which people become depressed solely because of brain physiology, are exceedingly rare. Depression also goes hand-in-hand with low self-esteem, which is often an integral part of the depression (in other words, it can be a symptom, or a cause, or even both).

Thus, it's evident that both physiology and circumstance cause depression. What is unknown is, the relationship between them. Do bad things happen to people, making them sad or distraught, which reduces their neurotransmitters, and allows "true" depression to set it? Or, are the neurotransmitters already reduced, so that when something upsetting happens, it triggers a "true" depression?

There's no clear answer to this, yet. At the moment, most in the psychiatric community lean toward the first explanation.

In any case, it's important to note that no one is to blame for depression. In many--but by no means all--cases, depression results from harmful childhood experiences. However, it is nonproductive and even incorrect to "blame" one's parents, family, friends, etc. for the depression. Why? Because many people have unpleasant childhoods, but not all of them develop depression. It is not the sole cause. Depression can also follow divorce, bereavement, etc. but this does not mean that these things "caused" the depression all by themselves. There are a great number of factors, including physiology (which I've already mentioned). Once again, depression is an illness. If you got the flu, would you blame it on someone else? Of course not, that would be silly! Depression is exactly the same.

next: What To Do If You Are Depressed
~ back to Living with Depression homepage
~ depression library articles
~ all articles on depression

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 1). What Causes Clinical Depression?, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, October 4 from https://www.healthyplace.com/depression/articles/what-causes-clinical-depression

Last Updated: June 20, 2016

K.j. Reynolds on 'The Spirit'

HealthyPlace.com Staff Writer

interview with K.j. Reynolds

K.j. Reynolds is a Spiritual Counselor and has an Online Ministry called, "Spiritual Sanctuary". She has had a Counseling Practice in Colorado Springs since 1995. She's taught Science of Mind courses, staffed workshops, and served as a licensed Practitioner of Religious Science. She traveled to England and Ireland on Spiritual Pilgrimage - exploring the Divine Feminine and Her places of power on the planet. This year she served as assistant in England.

K.j. is a writer, singer/songwriter, artist, wife, and mother of two. She wrote a regular column for the "One Voice" publication for three years and currently does freelance work. She is author of "Love, Anxiety, and Other Musings" a book of poetry, and co-author of, "The Women's Lodge" a workbook for Women Circles. Currently she's recording an album honouring the Divine Feminine.

Tammie: In 1995, you embarked on a spiritual pilgrimage to England. Can you tell us about that experience?

K.j.: I'll try to keep this answer as brief as possible, but the truth is, it's a loaded question. In 1994, I was in Practitioner Studies through the United Church of Religious Science to obtain my Practitioner license. My teacher was Rev. Charllotte Amant. Something about this woman inspired me into deeper levels of my own Self. She had a unique way of teaching, a receptive, wise, quiet way of allowing us to find our own answers. She shared information when she felt it appropriate, and provided a foundation of Spiritual Consciousness that supported the students in raising our awareness. Many times she taught us with questions instead of answers.

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Rev. Charllotte led Spiritual Pilgrimages to England and one was approaching in the Spring of 1995. Up to that point, I never felt drawn to England, especially on a Spiritual Journey, but for some reason, I began to hear a Calling within.

I was adopted at birth, and at that point in time, I was searching for my birth-mother. There was an empty hole inside that I believed came from not knowing my roots. Intuitively, I sensed my heritage to be Irish and English (at least in part). Something within me felt sure that if I touched foot on the soil I came from, I would sense it, know it viscerally , and perhaps this might fill the void I felt in my soul. The Pilgrimage was "In Search of the Divine Feminine". We visited Sacred Sites. I see these sites as part of the Sacred body of the Divine Mother, our Mother Earth, so I thought this was precisely what I needed, since I was searching for "Mother" and my roots.

This Pilgrimage profoundly impacted my life. I not only re-discovered the Divine Feminine in the landscape, but the Goddess within mySelf. I received a freedom in my female body I'd never felt before: Free from the constraints of societal pressure and expectations - Free from my own self-induced limitations - Free from lack of esteem and constant concern for what "others" thought of me. I became my own woman. I found HerSelf within me.

The Pilgrimage also gave me the sense of heritage I had searched for. When my feet touched the England soil, I did feel the comfort of home, but this feeling of home elevated into an inconceivable coming home once I reached the glorious coastal town of Tintagel. Everything felt anciently familiar. I felt as if I had always been there. I felt lifted and full of joy. Leaving was extremely emotional and painful for me at the time because for the first time in my life, I felt a familial connection.

On a note of confirmation, five months after returning back to the states, I actually located my birthmother and found out I have ancestors from Coastal Cornwall, which is where Tintagel is located.

Many songs were born on Spiritual Pilgrimage as the landscape seems to "sing" through me while I'm there. I am currently recording these songs in the studio, and the CD should be available for purchase in late September of this year.

Tammie: You've written that the good news is grace. What do you mean by that?

K.j.: Ah, Grace. Many of us in the West have been taught that we are born sinners, that we come into the world in a state of spiritual need. We were taught that somehow we came into this world "bad". I believe we were all born into a state of Grace. I'll explain further:

To sin, literally means "missing the mark" and its derivation is an old Hebrew Archery term. As humans, we are bound to miss the mark throughout our lives and make mistakes, but how can simply being born into this world be a mistake? If we believe we are at choice about whether we incarnate, then there is no mistake. How can an infant be born into sin? Certainly our world has plenty of people who are everyday making mistakes and "missing the mark", but the child, herself, is not born of sin.

Grace is the moment in time when all things are made new, the moment in time when our slates are wiped clean in an instant, and we have the opportunity to live our lives to their full potentiality. We are always forgiven, in every moment, by the Christ consciousness that dwells within us all. All that is needed, or required, from us is to accept this forgiveness for ourselves, within ourselves. We are already forgiven. We are swimming in Grace. It's all around us, It's here and It's now. It is THIS moment in time, NOW. Even though we may feel unworthy to receive Grace, It happens anyway - in the face of our self-beratement - because we are children of the Most High; therein lay all the merit in the universe.

...So the good news is, no matter how hard we are on ourselves, no matter how difficult and insurmountable the situation may seem, no matter how awful our mistakes are, there is an All-Loving, All-forgiving Presence that forgives us every second of everyday and we just need to become of aware of it. With an ounce of willingness, we can accept Grace, and our lives can be made new - instantaneously! It flows over you like a pristine waterfall, purifying your soul. That's Grace!

Tammie: What impact has creation spirituality had in your life?

K.j.: There came a time in my spiritual growth when I could no longer deny a deep connection I felt to the Master Teacher Jesus, the Christ. I previously avoided any association with Christianity because of the negative connotations it evoked for me: Judgmental, compassionless, and using the name of Jesus to proselytize and criticize people and their way of life.

Creation Spirituality was a door opening, inviting me to see the good in the Bible and the beautiful message Jesus taught. It provided an avenue for me to discover the gift of so many role models I had previously been unaware of: Women Christian Mystics, such as Mechthild of Magdeburg, who lived her life dedicated to her spiritual Awakening and ministering to others who weren't necessarily "religious" or accepted by the formal Church. Her poetry fills my heart with gladness and gratitude for the Great Mystery. She knew how to allow the Holy Spirit to flow through her, and had a gloriously intimate relationship with It. Creation Spirituality says we are all worthy of this movement through us, we are all worthy of this relationship.

Tammie: Do you believe that pain can be a teacher and if so, what are some of the lessons your own pain has taught you.

K.j.: I believe anything can be a good teacher - it all depends on how willing we are as students.

We can go through life seeing everything as either a blessing or a curse - or as it just "Is". I have experienced plenty of pain in my lifetime, physical and emotional. What I've received from pain is the amazing confirmation that no matter how dark and black and hopeless life may seem, there is always light and joy on the other side of it. In Truth there is no difference between the depths of pain and the heights of joy. Each exists at the deepest part of our soul, each can build our faith, and each can bring us closer to God if we allow them. What "Is" remains motionless and untouched by our sways of emotion. From this center spot we can observe the depths and the heights and remain unattached.

Tammie: How would you describe counseling for the spirit? What does it offer that traditional psychotherapy doesn't?

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K.j.: The way I see it, Spiritual Counseling approaches healing the mind, body, and soul. In the past, conventional psychotherapy and psychiatry have tended to neglect a very integral and significant part of our wholeness . . . our spirit. To look at healing the whole self, we must address this essential part of our being. In truth, it is not part of our being, it is our being. Our minds and our bodies reside within our spiritual body.

In Spiritual Counseling we not only discover what the mental cause is behind our current situation, we look at how we can create our current situation differently if we so desire. We look at Universal Laws that have been in operation since time began, and learn how to use those Laws consciously and in a way that supports our manifesting the life we desire.

Tammie: If your life was to be your message, then what message do you see your life being?

K.j.: Wow...what a great question! I think everyone should ask themselves this question on a regular basis.

My message would hopefully be:

See and find the good in all things, situations and people.
Be Love, see Love, give Love, receive Love.
Be willing to continue looking at how we create our worlds, and since we create our worlds, we may as well create them to be magical, mystical, and fun!
Always move towards a Conscious Awareness of Peace.
Appreciate and be grateful, for even, and especially, the simplest things are joy-filled!
Forgive, yourself and others - daily.
Don't allow your past to define you.
Don't allow your looks to define you.
Don't allow your job to define you.
Don't allow your culture to define you.
Don't allow your politics or opinions to define you.
Be Who You Are and nobody else!
Laugh! Cry! Wake up!
Go For It!"

next:Interviews: Cliff Bostock on 'Soulwork'

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 1). K.j. Reynolds on 'The Spirit', HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, October 4 from https://www.healthyplace.com/alternative-mental-health/sageplace/kj-reynolds-on-the-spirit

Last Updated: July 18, 2014

Argue With Yourself And Win!

HealthyPlace.com Staff Writer

Chapter 40 of the book Self-Help Stuff That Works

by Adam Khan:

WHEN SOMEONE MAKES you angry, it may seem that the cause of your anger is the other person's actions. But what really makes you angry is what you think the action means. If you look closely at the meaning of an event, your certainty about it will fade. You'll realize it doesn't necessarily mean what you think it means. This uncertainty will make your anger diminish.

Suppose, for example, someone interrupts you while you're talking and it makes you mad. You "know" the person is being disrespectful. On closer look, you see that: 1) an event happens, 2) you figure out what it means, and then, 3) you feel an emotion in response to the meaning you created.

Step number two happens very fast so fast it seems the event directly caused your feelings. But that isn't so. And you can prove it to yourself.

Wait until the next time you get mad at someone. Then try to discover one thought you have about what they did. You may have to backtrack do a slow-motion replay. Ask yourself, "Why am I mad?" Your answer is probably, "Because he did such-and-such." Ask yourself another question: "Why would that make me angry?" Your answer to this second question is probably a statement about the meaning of the action. Now you have something to work with.

Take your statement and look at it scientifically. In the above example, someone interrupted you. You thought, "He doesn't respect me." Looking at that thought scientifically, you realize it's a theory to explain why he interrupted you. Once you look at it, you also realize it isn't the only explanation possible! Try to come up with other explanations: "Maybe he never thought much about interrupting, and no one ever said anything to him about it, so he's in the habit of interrupting people those he respects and those he doesn't." Or "Maybe he interrupted me because he has a poor memory and didn't want to forget his thought, so he blurted it out."

You can never really be sure why another person does something. Sometimes the person himself doesn't know why he's doing it.

After you create two or three good theories (this will only take a few moments), your anger will fade, you'll feel better, and you'll deal with the situation more rationally. Argue with yourself this way and everyone wins!

When you're angry, argue with yourself first.

Here's another chapter on how to change your thoughts
in a way that makes a difference:
Positive Thinking: The Next Generation

If you have more anger that you would like, you will find
the answer you seek in this chapter:
Here Comes the Judge

next: Constitutional Right

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 1). Argue With Yourself And Win!, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, October 4 from https://www.healthyplace.com/self-help/self-help-stuff-that-works/argue-with-yourself-and-win

Last Updated: March 30, 2016

ADHD Treatment Overview: Stimulants

Samantha Gluck

Stimulant therapy for ADHD is a first-line treatment, recognized as safe and effective when taken as prescribed.

Stimulant therapy is one of the most commonly used types of treatments to treat ADHD.

Stimulants are an effective way of managing ADHD symptoms such as short attention span, impulsive behavior and hyperactivity. They may be used alone or in combination with behavior therapy.

These drugs improve ADHD symptoms in 70% of adults and 70%-80% of children shortly after starting treatment. Improvements include reduced interrupting, fidgeting and other hyperactive symptoms as well as improved task completion and home relationships.

Improvements in behavior and attention span usually continue as long as the medication is taken, although benefits in social adjustment and school performance have not yet been shown to endure over the long term.

These medications are not considered to be habit forming when used to treat ADHD in children and adolescents, and there is no evidence that their use leads to drug abuse. Nonetheless, there is a potential for abuse and addiction with any stimulant medication, especially if a person has a history of substance abuse.

Common Stimulants for ADHD

There are many stimulants available: short acting (immediate-release), intermediate-acting and long-acting forms. Common stimulants include:

Adderall (intermediate-acting)
Adderall XR (long-acting)
Concerta (long-acting)
Dexedrine (short-acting)
Dexedrine spansule (intermediate-acting)
Metadate CD (long-acting)
Metadate ER (intermediate-acting)
Methylin ER (intermediate-acting)
Ritalin(short-acting)
Ritalin LA (long-acting)
Ritalin SR (intermediate-acting)
Vyvanse (long-acting)

The short acting forms of the drug are usually taken every four hours and the long acting ones just once a day.

Newer forms of some stimulant drugs may reduce side effects and relieve symptoms for a longer period of time. They include Concerta (10-12 hour duration), Ritalin LA (6-8 hours), Metadate CD (6-8 hours), Dexedrine Spansules and Adderall XR (10-12 hours).

How Do Stimulants for ADHD Work?

Stimulants regulate impulsive behavior and improve attention span and focus by increasing the levels of certain chemicals in the brain, such as epinephrine and norepinephrine, which help transmit signals between nerves.

Who Should Not Take a Stimulant Drug?

People with any of the following conditions should not take stimulants.

Glaucoma (a condition that causes increased pressure in the eyes and can lead to blindness.)
Severe anxiety, tension, agitation or nervousness
Treatment with a type of medication called monoamine oxidase inhibitors, such as Nardil or Parnate, within 14 days of starting stimulant therapy
People with motor tics or a personal or family history of Tourette's Syndrome

What Are the Side Effects of Stimulant Drugs?

Common side effects include:

Headache
Upset stomach
Increased blood pressure

These typically resolve after a few weeks of treatment as the body adjusts to the medication.

Other side effects may respond to a dosage adjustment or by changing to another type of stimulant. They include:

Decreased appetite. This affects about 80% of people who take stimulant therapy.
Weight loss. This is an issue with 10%-15% of children who take stimulant drugs to treat ADHD. It can often be managed by taking the medication after meals or adding protein shakes or snacks to the diet.
Nervousness
Sleeplessness

Growth reduction has been observed in some children and adolescents who take stimulants, but it has not been shown to affect final height. Children and adolescents should be followed for weight loss and growth while taking stimulants.

Allergic reactions, with skin rashes and other, more serious allergic symptoms, can occur with stimulants, so it is best to notify your doctor if any new or unusual symptoms occur.

Tips and Precautions When Taking Stimulants for ADHD

When taking stimulant therapy for ADHD, be sure to tell your health care provider:

If you are nursing, pregnant, or plan to become pregnant
If you are taking or plan to take any dietary supplements, herbal medicines or nonprescription medications
If you have any past or present medical problems, including high blood pressure, seizures, heart disease, glaucoma or liver or kidney disease
If you have a history of drug or alcohol abuse or dependency, or if you have had mental health problems, including depression, manic depression, or psychosis.

If you miss a dose, just go back to the regular prescribed dosage schedule - dont try to catch up by taking additional doses.

The following are useful guidelines to keep in mind when giving your child stimulants for ADHD:

Always give the medication exactly as prescribed. If there are any problems or questions, call your doctor.
When starting stimulant therapy, do so on a weekend so that you will have an opportunity to see how the child responds.
Your doctor will probably want to start out at a low dose and increase gradually until symptoms are controlled.
Try to keep to a regular schedule, which may mean that doses will have to be given by teachers, nurses or other caregivers.
Children usually respond better to continuous medication use, but "medication vacations" may be planned for a day or more for children who are doing well when activities permit.

next: What is ADHD Coaching?~ adhd library articles~ all add/adhd articles

APA Reference
Gluck, S. (2008, December 1). ADHD Treatment Overview: Stimulants, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, October 4 from https://www.healthyplace.com/adhd/articles/stimulant-drugs-for-treatment-of-adhd

Last Updated: February 15, 2016

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