ADHD symptoms do contribute to poor school performance. Classroom accommodations can be extremely helpful to children with ADHD.

ADD and ADHD are neurobiological disorders which affects approximately five to twelve percent of all children. Researchers believe that neurotransmitters, the chemical messengers of the brain, do not work properly causing symptoms of ADD or ADHD. Inattention and impulsivity, the two major characteristics of attention deficits, can make complying with parental requests and succeeding in school more difficult for these children. Symptoms of ADD and ADHD vary from mild to severe.

Approximately 50 percent of adults no longer experience major problems with symptoms of the condition. Some children with attention deficits do extremely well in school. However, for many others, underachievement in school is a hallmark characteristic of the condition.

Three major types of Attention Deficit Disorder have been identified:

• ADHD (predominately hyperactive-impulsive)
• ADHD inattentive (predominately inattentive without hyperactivity--schools call this ADD)
• ADHD, combined type (a combination of both hyperactivity and inattention).

Children who have ADHD tend to be very energetic, talkative, and outgoing. In contrast, children with ADD inattentive, previously called ADD without hyperactivity, tend to be lethargic, less likely to talk in class, and introverted. Although many children are diagnosed and treated in elementary school, some children, especially those with ADD inattentive or mild cases of ADHD, may not be diagnosed until high school or college.

Although they may be bright intellectually, many children with ADD or ADHD lag behind their peers developmentally by as much as 30 percent in certain areas, according to research by Dr. Russell Barkley. This translates into a delay of 4-6 years for teenagers. As a result they may seem immature or irresponsible. They are less likely to remember their chores or assignments complete their work independently, are more likely to say things or act impulsively before thinking, and the quality and amount of their work will fluctuate from day to day. Consequently, parents and teachers may need to provide more positive feedback, supervise school work more closely, give reminders of homework, and interact more frequently with each other to help the child cope with this disability.

Research has shown that medication can help most children with ADD and ADHD improve their performance at home and school. Medications commonly used to treat attention deficits such as Adderall, Concerta, Strattera, Ritalin or Dexedrine, help the neurotransmitters norepinephrine, dopamine, and serotonin work properly. Thus, when medication is effective, attention and concentration improve, more chores and school work are completed, compliance with adult requests increases, hyperactivity and impulsivity decrease, and negative behaviours decrease.

Frequently, ADD or ADHD may coexist with other major problems--learning disabilities (25-50%), sleep disturbances (50%), anxiety (37%), depression (28%), bipolar (12%), oppositional behaviour (59%) substance abuse (5-40%), or conduct disorder (22-43%)-which further complicates their treatment and school work.

The majority of children with ADD or ADHD will experience difficulty in school (90%). Common learning problems and their practical implications for home and school performance are described below. However, keep in mind that each child with an attention deficit is unique and may have some, but not all these problems.

1. Inattention and poor concentration: difficulty listening in class; may daydream; spaces out and misses lecture content or homework assignments; lack of attention to detail, makes careless mistakes in work, doesn't notice errors in grammar, punctuation, capitalization, spelling, or changes in signs (+,-) in math; difficulty staying on task and finishing school work; distractible, moves from one uncompleted task to another; lack of awareness of time and grades, may not know if passing or failing class.

2.Impulsivity: rushes through work; doesn't double check work; doesn't read directions; takes short cuts in written work especially math (does it in his head); difficulty delaying gratification, hates waiting.

3.Language Deficits: slow processing of information; reads, writes, and responds slowly; recalls facts slowly; more likely to occur in children with ADD inattentive. Three language-processing problems may be common among children with ADD or ADHD.

a)Listening and Reading Comprehension: becomes confused with lengthy verbal directions; loses main point, difficulty taking notes; difficulty following directions; may not "hear" or pick out homework assignments from a teacher's lecture; poor reading comprehension, can't remember what is read, must reread material.
b)Spoken Language (oral expression): talks a lot spontaneously (ADHD); talks less in response to questions where they must think and give organized, concise answer; avoids responding in class or gives rambling answers.
c)Written Language: slow reading and writing, takes longer to complete work, produces less written work; difficulty organizing essays; difficulty getting ideas out of head and on paper; written test answers or essays may be brief; responses to discussion questions may be brief.

4.Poor Organizational Skills: disorganized; loses homework; difficulty getting started on tasks; difficulty knowing what steps should be taken first; difficulty organizing thoughts, sequencing ideas, writing essays, and planning ahead.

1) Impaired Sense of Time: loses track of time, is often late: doesn't manage time well, doesn't anticipate how long task will take; doesn't plan ahead for future.

5.Poor Memory: difficulty memorizing material such as multiplication tables, math facts or formulas, spelling words, foreign languages, and/or history dates.

a) Math Computation: difficulty automatising basic math facts, such as multiplication tables, cannot rapidly recall basic math facts.
b) Forgetful: forgets chores or homework assignments, forgets to take books home; forgets to turn in completed assignments to teacher; forgets special assignments or make-up work.

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6. Poor Fine Motor Coordination: handwriting is poor, small, difficult to read; writes slowly; avoids writing and homework because it is difficult; prefers to print rather than write cursive; produces less written work.

7.Weak Executive Functioning: Sometimes very bright students with attention deficits do poorly in school. One of Dr. Russell Barkley's latest research findings focus on the role weak executive functioning plays in school failure, (deficits in working memory, control of emotions and behaviour, internalizing language, problem-solving, and organization of materials and action plans). High IQ alone is not enough for students to succeed in school! For more details, read my next article about Executive Function.

Difficulties in school may be caused by a combination of several learning problems: a student may not take good notes in class because he can't pay attention, can't pick out main points, and/or his fine-motor coordination is poor. A student may not do well on a test because he reads, thinks, and writes slowly, has difficulty organizing his thoughts, and/or has difficulty memorizing and recalling the information. Identification of learning problems plus implementation of appropriate accommodations in the regular classroom are critical.Under IDEA and/or Section 504, in the USA and Disability and Special Education Needs Act in the UK children with ADD or ADHD whose ability to learn is adversely affected by the disorder are eligible for accommodations.

Common classroom accommodations which are extremely helpful to children with ADHD include:

• untimed tests
• use of calculator or computer
• modification of assignments (fewer math problems but still masters concepts)
• elimination of unnecessary writing--write answers only not questions
• reduced demands on limited working memory capacity
• written homework assignments given by teachers
• utilisation of note takers or guided lecture notes

Accommodations should be individualized and made to accommodate each child's specific learning problems.

Other factors related to ADHD may also influence the child's school work:

1.Restlessness or hyperactivity in younger children: Can't sit still in seat long enough to complete work.

2.Sleep Disturbances: Children may come to school feeling tired; may sleep in class. Many children with attention deficits (50%) have difficulty falling asleep at night and waking up each morning. Approximately half of them wake up tired even after a full night's sleep. Children may have battles with their parents before arriving at school. This suggests that there are problems with the neurotransmitter serotonin.

3.Medication Wears Off: With the advent of long-acting medications like Adderall XR, Concerta, and Strattera, problems with medication wearing off at school are less common. However, the effects of short-acting medications such as Ritalin or Dexedrine (regular tablets) wear off within three to four hours and children may begin having trouble paying attention around ten or eleven o'clock in the morning. Even the intermediate range medications (6-8 hours) like Ritalin SR, Dexedrine SR, Metadate ER, or Adderall may wear off by early afternoon. Class failure, irritability, or misbehaviour may be linked to times when medication has worn off.

4.Low Frustration Tolerance: Children with attention deficits may become frustrated more easily and "blow-up" or impulsively say things they don't mean, especially as their medication is wearing off. They may blurt out answers in class. Or they may be argumentative or impulsively talk back to a teacher. Transitions or changes in routine, such as when substitute teachers are present, are also difficult for them.

Since most children with ADD or ADHD are not as easily motivated by consequences (rewards and punishment) as other children, they may be more difficult to discipline and may repeat misbehaviour. Although they would like very much to make good grades on a test or at the end of the semester, these rewards (grades) may not occur quickly enough nor be strong enough to greatly influence their behaviour. Frequently, they start out each new school year with the best intentions, but cannot sustain their efforts. Positive feedback or rewards are effective but must be given immediately, must be important to the child, and must occur more frequently than for other children. Consequently, sending home daily or weekly reports regarding school work should help improve grades.

Typically their misbehaviour is not malicious but rather the result of their inattention, impulsivity, and/or failure to anticipate the consequences of their actions. As my friend and colleague Sherry Pruit explains in Teaching the Tiger, "Ready. Fire! And then, Aim...oops!!", may more accurately describe the behaviour of children with attention deficits. They may not think before they act or speak. They also have trouble controlling their emotions. If they think it, they often say or do it. If they feel it, they show it. Belatedly, and with remorse, they realise they should not have said or done certain things. Giving children choices regarding chores or homework, for example, at home, selecting their chore, determining which subject is first and establishing a starting time, will increase compliance, productivity, and reduce aggression (at school, selecting topics for essays or reports).

Youngsters with ADD or ADHD have many positive qualities and talents (high energy, outgoing charm, creativity, and figuring out new ways of doing things). Although these traits may be valued in the adult work world, they may cause difficulties for these students and his parents and teachers. Their high energy, if properly channelled, can be very productive. Although sometimes exasperating, they can also be extremely charming in their self-appointed role as class clown. Typically, children with ADD inattentive tend to be quieter and present few, if any, discipline problems. When they become adults, children with attention deficits can be very successful. Having parents and teachers who believe in a child is essential for success!!!

Excerpt from Chris A. Zeigler Dendy's books, Teaching Teenagers with ADD and ADHD, 2000. Revised from Appendix C, Teenagers With ADD, 1995.

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Guidelines for talking to your teen about sex and the approach to take when discussing sex with your teen.

excerpt from: Teenagers! What Every Parent Has to Know

1. Forget the "big talk".
   A better way is "little by little". It could be a discussion sparked by something that's happened to a friend, a piece of television news or even the soaps! One of the most effective pieces of education on sex I have ever seen occurred during a showing of 'Friends'. Rachel tells Ross she is pregnant; he is utterly shocked. In fact, he is so shocked he says nothing for almost thirty seconds. Then he blurts out, "But we used a condom!" Rachel explains that condoms don't always work. Ross looks even more shocked and screams out, "They should say that on the box!"
2. Try to talk about sex without embarrassment.
   You want your teenagers to have a positive view of sex and, if possible, a healthy future sex life. Sensing that their parents are embarrassed to talk about it makes sex seem tacky.
3. Remember we are aiming for a conversation, not a diatribe.
   Sometimes, especially if we are angry or worried - perhaps when they are going out on a date - we feel the need to blurt it all out in one go. We're practically yelling advice at them as they walk hand in hand away from the house!
4. Don't worry if they seem to not be listening;
   This is an important subject to them and you'll almost certainly have more of their attention than it seems.
5. Don't be afraid to talk about what you believe.
   The former chief editor of one of the teenage magazines put it like this: "You really want to say 'these are my values; these are our family's values. This is what I hope you will do.' This is a very powerful message. Teens don't want to disappoint you."
6. Be careful about the way you talk about people who have different values to you.
   If you use derogatory language about celebrities or even friends of your teenager who have chosen a sexual lifestyle you don't agree with, she will remember. Perhaps one day she'll make a decision she knows you wouldn't approve of. The last thing you want her to feel is, "I couldn't tell my mother - she'd call me a slag."
7. Be sensitive to your teenager if they don't have a boy or girlfriend.
   It's easy to feel left on the shelf at thirteen, and the pressure to find somebody (anybody!) can be intense.

The above excerpt is taken from Rob Parsons' book Teenagers! What Every Parent Has to Know, published by Hodder and Stoughton.

teenage sex

There are many parents who believe that if they don't discuss sex with their children, then their kids won't engage in sexual behavior. That is simply a myth. Your children are being exposed to sex multiple times every day.

The change from child to adult is an especially dangerous time for adolescents in our society. From their earliest years, children watch television shows and movies that insist that "sex appeal" is a personal quality that people need to develop to the fullest. Teenagers are at risk -- not only from AIDS and STDs -- but from this sort of mass-market encouragement.

Sexual content is regularly marketed to younger children, pre-teens, and teens

and this affects young people's sexual activity and beliefs about sex. According to the fact sheet, Marketing Sex to Children, from the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood, children are bombarded with sexual content and messages:

• In 2003, 83% of the episodes of the top 20 shows among teen viewers contained some sexual content, including 20% with sexual intercourse.
• 42% of the songs on the top CDs in 2004 contained sexual content -- 19% included direct descriptions of sexual intercourse.
• On average, music videos contain 93 sexual situations per hour, including eleven "hard core" scenes depicting behaviors such as intercourse and oral sex.
• Girls who watched more than 14 hours of rap music videos per week were more likely to have multiple sex partners and to be diagnosed with a sexually transmitted disease.
• Before parents raised an outcry, Abercrombie and Fitch marketed a line of thong underpants decorated with sexually provocative phrases such as "Wink Wink" and "Eye Candy" to 10-year-olds.
• Neilson estimates that 6.6 million children ages 2-11 and 7.3 million teens ages 12-17 watched Justin Timberlake rip open Janet Jackson's bodice during the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show.

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TV, movies, and music are not the only influences -- the Internet provides teens with seemingly unlimited access to information on sex as well as a steady supply of people willing to talk about sex with them. Teens may feel safe because they can remain anonymous while looking for information on sex. Sexual predators know this and manipulate young people into online relationships and, later, set up a time and place to meet.

Teens don't need a sexual predator to introduce them to online pornography. It comes to them through porn spam on their e-mail or by inadvertently clicking on a link to a porn site. Through pornography, young people get a twisted view of what constitutes normal relationships. In fact, pornography is directly related to sexual abuse, rape, and sexual violence.

Just as sexual preferences are learned behavior, most or all sexual deviations are learned behaviors, with pornography having the power of conditioning into sexual deviancy. Pornography can be addictive, with the individual becoming desensitized to 'soft' porn and moving on to dangerous images of bondage, rape, sadomasochism, torture, group sex and violence.

At the very least, addiction to pornography destroys relationships by dehumanizing the individual and reducing the capacity to love. At worst, some addicts begin to act out their fantasies by victimizing others, including children and animals.

Teens also have their own cultural beliefs about what is normal sexual behavior. Although most teenage girls believe that sex equals love, other teens -- especially boys -- believe that sex is not the ultimate expression of the ultimate commitment, but a casual activity and minimize risks or serious consequences. That is, of course, what they see on TV. The infrequent portrayals of sexual risks such as disease and pregnancy trivialize the importance of sexual responsibility.

Other misconceptions include:

• all teens are having sex
• having sex makes you an adult
• something is wrong with an older teen (17-19) who is not having sex
• a girl can't get pregnant if she's menstruating
• a girl can't get pregnant if it's her first time
• you are a virgin as long as you don't have sexual intercourse -- oral sex doesn't count

Clearly, parents are in a tough spot. But there are some key ideas that help make sense of things.

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Teenagers should learn the facts about human reproduction, contraception, and sexually transmitted diseases.

Of the over 60 million people who have been infected with HIV in the past 20 years, about half became infected between the ages of 15 and 24. According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), about 25% of sexually active teenagers get a sexually transmitted disease (STD) every year, and 80% of infected teens don't even know they have an STD, passing the diseases along to unsuspecting partners. When it comes to AIDS, the data is even more chilling -- of the new HIV infections each year, about 50% occur in people under the age of 25.

Young people need to know that teens who are sexually active and do not consistently use contraceptives will usually become pregnant and have to face potentially life-altering decisions about resolving their pregnancy through abortion, adoption, or parenthood.

Health classes and sex education programs in the schools typically present information about the risks of sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy risk, and contraception. However, evidence shows that traditional sex education, as it has been offered in the United States, increases sexual knowledge, but has little or no effect on whether or not teens initiate sex or use contraception.

Parents, too, need to know important information, such as the younger the age of first sexual intercourse, the more likely that the sexual experience was coercive, and that forced sexual intercourse is related to long-lasting negative effects.

The following is all related to later onset of sexual intercourse:

• Having better educated parents
• Supportive family relationships
• Parental supervision
• Sexually abstinent friends
• Good school grades
• Attending church frequently

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The challenge for any person is to make sense of facts in ways that are meaningful in life -- in ways that help them think and make wise choices. Schoolroom lessons leave much to be desired in this regard.

Commitments and values differ so widely in society that schools cannot be very thorough or consistent in their treatment of moral issues. According to a growing body of research, parents and religious beliefs are a potent one-two combination when it comes to influencing a teen's decisions about whether or not to have sex.

A study published in the Alan Guttmacher Institute's Family Planning Perspectives (Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health) showed that parents can best keep their teens from becoming sexually active by:

• maintaining a warm and loving relationship with their children
• letting teens know that they are expected to abstain from sex until marriage

Parents who are involved in their children's lives, and who confidently transmit their religious and moral values to their children, have the greatest success in preventing risky behavior.

For this reason, it is more important for teenagers to see real-life examples of people who understand and deal responsibly with their sexual natures.

Morals are not abstractions. Morals have to do with real-life commitments to people and things that have value. Parents and other influential adults (at school, at church, and in the community) need to show teenagers the difference between devotion and infatuation and help them make the distinction in their own hearts.

Teenagers need to understand that satisfying sexual relationships -- like other relationships -- require careful thought and wise action.

Are you wondering what "normal" sexual behavior is for children and teens?

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It is important for parents to understand what is "normal" sexual behavior in children and teenagers, and which behaviors might signal that a child is a victim of sexual abuse, or acting in a sexually aggressive manner towards others.

 

Normal Range of Sexual Behavior

• Sexually explicit conversations with peers
• Obscenities and jokes within cultural norm
• Sexual innuendo, flirting and courtship
• Interest in erotica
• Solitary masturbation
• Hugging, kissing, holding hands
• Foreplay, (petting, making out, fondling) and mutual masturbation: Moral, social or familial rules may restrict, but these behaviors are not abnormal, developmentally harmful, or illegal when private, consensual, equal, and non-coercive.
• Monogamist intercourse: Stable monogamy is defined as a single sexual partner throughout adolescence. Serial monogamy indicates long-term (several months or years) involvement with a single partner which ends and is then followed by another

Yellow Flags

Although many of these are not necessarily outside the range of normal sexual behavior exhibited in teen peer groups, some evaluation and response is desirable in order to support healthy and responsible attitudes and behavior.

• Sexual preoccupation/anxiety (interfering in daily functioning)
• Pornographic interest
• Polygamist sexual intercourse/promiscuity-- indiscriminate sexual contact with more than one partner during the same period of time.
• Sexually aggressive themes/obscenities
• Sexual graffiti (especially chronic and impacting individuals)
• Embarrassment of others with sexual themes
• Violation of others' body space
• Pulling skirts up/pants down
• Single occurrence of peeping, exposing with known peers
• Mooning and obscene gestures

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Red Flags

• Compulsive masturbation (especially chronic or public)
• Degradation/humiliation of self or others with sexual themes
• Attempting to expose others' genitals
• Chronic preoccupation with sexually aggressive pornography
• Sexually explicit conversation with significantly young children

Illegal Sexual Behaviors Defined by Law

• Obscene phone calls, voyeurism, frottage, exhibitionism, sexual harassment
• Touching genitals without permission (i.e. grabbing, goosing)
• Sexually explicit threats (verbal or written)
• Sexual contact with significant age difference (child sexual abuse)
• Forced sexual contact (sexual assault)
• Forced penetration (rape)
• Genital injury to others
• Sexual contact with animals (beastiality)

 

next: Coercion and Sexual Abuse of Teens

"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
- Abraham Lincoln

Happiness and unhappiness are opposite sides of a judgement about your situation. If you judge your situation as bad for you, that's unhappiness. If you judge a situation as good for you, that's happiness.

The experience of happiness is one of those general terms we use to say, "I feel good emotionally." People use different terms to describe what feels good for them. For someone it might be excitement, passion, exhilaration, fulfillment, freedom, feeling fully alive with inspiration and joy. For another it might be more peaceful, content, capable, hopeful, satisfied, and comfortable feeling. Whatever you call it, it just feels darn good.

Our natural state of being is to be happy. When you remove all the uncomfortable emotions we humans can experience (and they are numerous), you're left with happiness. So it's easiest to define happiness by what it is not.

Happiness is what you feel when you're NOT feeling....

self doubt
depressed
hateful
fearful
worried
unsatisfied
bored
grief
shame
guilt
discontent
anxious
annoyed
angry
irritated
stressed
frustrated
upset
down
sad
envious
or
jealous.

Whew! That's a long list!

Pleasure vs. Happiness

Happiness is not pleasure although they can appear similar. Pleasure is enjoyment of an outside stimuli. You might find pleasure in buying a new car, or in going on vacation, or having friends over for dinner, or having sex, or....the list is long on what you might enjoy experiencing. Pleasure requires an external stimuli for you to experience it. Happiness does not. Happiness is a belief about yourself and the outside world. You can be doing something you normally experience as pleasurable but not be happy! Pleasure is born from the external world, happiness is born from the internal workings of our own minds.

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next: Why Is Personal Happiness So Important?

"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
- Abraham Lincoln

I have a theory. No, it's more like a dream. It's not a unique dream, many have dreamt it. It's the desire for the all those on this planet to be loving towards each other. For peace and tranquility among mankind. For a song, which if heard by distant planets, would sing out, "We Love."

My theory is about HOW I see this dream manifesting. And it all starts with you. It begins with personal responsibility for yourself.

Others have spoken of it. You see it drift through our culture in the form of songs and books. It's quiet and its subtle. You can hear it in a song by Michael Jackson..."if you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself, and make a change....I'm starting with the man in the mirror".

There's a movement towards claiming ourselves. Claiming our thoughts, feelings and actions as our own. Of taking back the reins of ownership, responsibility, and consequential control that comes with ownership. We're starting to take that outstretched finger we've been pointing at every one else, and turning it back towards ourselves. Not in blame, but for answers.

We started with Freud thinking that our subconscious was responsible for our emotions and behavior.

Then we became the product of our childhood's, believing our past determines our future.

Astrology, birth sequence, genetics, you name it, we continued to search for the "reasons" we are the way we are. But in looking outside ourselves we are left feeling helpless. Victims to things outside our influence.

Hopelessness lives in the idea that who we are is somehow dependent and controlled by someone else or some outside circumstance. We start believing the best we could do was learn to cope and adapt. Taking the good with the bad, I think they call it.

The idea that we ourselves create who we are, can for many, be terrifying. We associate responsibility with guilt and blame. At first we want to turn away from this responsibility and the power suggested in that concept. The power over who you are. It can be overwhelming to some. But with that responsibility comes a freedom that no country can offer you and and no man can give you.

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"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small doesn't serve the world.

As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others."

- Marianne Williamson, 1992, "A Return To Love"

With so many world concerns such as famine, poverty, cruelty, wars, etc., how can any thinking, caring individual give personal happiness any weight? Well here is my dream theory.

If everyone knew that they were responsible for themselves, knew that they always had choices, and started making their own happiness a priority, I believe we wouldn't have murders, rapes, wars, or other violent acts.

Why do I believe this? Because I believe at our very human foundation we are caring, giving, loving, and happy people. We come into this world happy. Violence and harm are simply consequences of individuals demonstrating their unhappiness. You know the feeling of joy. It's not hateful or fearful.

It starts with ourselves and spreads into our homes in the form of domestic violence, child abuse, addictions, and a general "dis-ease." And as groups of unhappy people get together, we call them gangs and criminals. And as more unhappy people get together, we call those wars.

Envision people being at peace and living their lives the way they've always dreamed. Feeling the fulfillment that comes from knowing who you are and pursuing what you desire most. Can you then envision them murdering, stealing, or raping? With happiness comes inner peace. Inner peace and violence are like oil and water.

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What if we looked at ourselves as the accumulation of all the beliefs we've been exposed to and took on as our own. And what if we made a vow to rebuild ourselves with new, more useful beliefs? What belief system would you build? Would it be one that supported your desires and wants? Ones that encouraged and emphasized understanding, openness, happiness, acceptance, and love? If you could, would your personal happiness be a priority in your life?

I remember a story I heard about a father and his son. The father wanted to get some paperwork done before he took his son to the park. To keep his son occupied until he finished his work, he tore a picture of the world out of a magazine, and then tore it into little pieces. He told his son when he had finished putting the puzzle together, they would go to the park. Expecting this to take his son quite some time to accomplish, he was surprised when his son returned shortly thereafter with the completed puzzle. The father asked his son, "how were you able to finish the puzzle so quickly?" His son answered him saying "there's a picture of a man on the other side, and when I put the man together, the pieces of the world just fell into place."

So what can you do to make a difference?

Attend to your own. Become clear about who you really are. Uncover the enormous warehouse of beliefs you've acquired from other people and our culture and challenge those beliefs. Transform your self-doubt into acceptance, your self-pity into self-actualization, your anxiety into peace, your confusion into happiness, and your fears into love. I hope the information on this site will help you to accomplish just that.

A human society is a collection of it's individuals. It follows that a peaceful, happy, loving society can only be created if happiness is first in the mind of each individual that makes up that society. We'll transform from the "private happiness" of each individual, to the "public happiness" of our entire society.

Individual, personal happiness. One by one by one. It starts with you.

The dream is hopeful. I believe in the dream, and in you.

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next: Happiness Is Everyone's Ultimate Goal

"The greatest good you can do for another is not just to share your riches but to reveal to him his own."

—Benjamin Disraeli

I recently found this quote and realized that it is a very profound formula for building healthy relationships.

A desire common to all people is to make a positive difference in the world. Who wouldn't want to leave a mark that benefits our fellow human beings and ensures that we are remembered for some good and wonderful accomplishment?

Sometimes we may have the mistaken idea that making sweeping, global changes is beyond our individual capabilities. We may not be able to see ourselves as a Ghandi, a Buddha, a Mother Teresa, or an Albert Schweitzer.

But we all, each us, can make a positive difference in the lives of the people in the next office, across the street, or in our homes. Sweeping, global changes are no more significant than simple acts of kindness, generosity, and unconditional love to the people who are closest to us.

As co-dependents, we may have retreated from giving away something so valuable. We may have been abused or mistreated or taken advantage of by those closest to us for doing so.

But we can also choose how we respond to the ill treatment we may have received. One response is to treat others like we want to be treated or desire to be treated. We can even treat ourselves as we want to be treated.

Regardless of our circumstances, there is someone in each of our lives who will appreciate and benefit from our treating them in such a special way. Find that person in your life. Share with them how wonderful, special, unique, and precious they are, just because they are alive. Appreciate someone in your life by loving them in a way they want to be loved.

Recovery is not just about fixing ourselves. It's about sharing ourselves and spreading good feelings around. Recovery is about helping others to help themselves. Recovery is about joining our hands and our hearts for a greater good and a better world. Recovery is about something bigger than ourselves, maybe even bigger than the world—giving away unconditional, positive, healthy love.

Thank you, God, for showing me how to make a difference in the everyday situations. Help me to be a messenger of love and good will to all around me. Help me to be the kind of loving, giving, and compassionate person I am looking for and appreciate in others.

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next: Celebrate Yourself

You'll find, I think, that as you learn more about co-dependency, every person has some of the traits. Don't be too hard on yourself. Just remember that we are human beings. That we are, each one of us, extremely valuable just the way we are. That includes all our characteristics, regardless of how we might label them. Co-dependency is just a label, a way of defining how we, as humans, learn to cope with life, relationships, emotions, and events. Some of what we've learned can be unlearned. Some of what we've learned can be kept or expanded or changed to fit our particular situation or relationships.

The wonderful news is that YOU get to decide what you need to change, and YOU get to determine how and when. Recovery is all about self-examination, growth, experimentation, keeping what works for the moment, and moving ahead with life at your own pace. Be glad that you are learning about co-dependency now. I had to struggle for 33 years before I figured out what was going on in my relationships and how I was contributing to making my life so hard and miserable. I was too focused on the other person, rather than focusing on improving myself.

One of the traps we can fall into is letting others define our self-worth, define our meaning, or tell us how we ought to change our lives for the better. Often, we let those closest to us do this, when we should be doing this for ourselves. Sure, we can learn about ourselves from others, but remember that others tend to see us through their own filters. Often, we end up feeling like failures because we didn't live up to someone else's expectations of us.

But you can step outside all of that stuff and keep your sense of self-worth and value—that's the beautiful thing about recovery—you get to discover exactly who you are and what you want. You get to treat yourself the way you want to be treated and look for others who will treat you the way you know you deserve to be treated—with kindness, respect, patience, love, and encouragement. Those wonderful types of relationships are out there, waiting just for you.

One place to find these affirming relationships is at Co-dependents Anonymous meetings. Find someone who has been in the program for a long time. (Preferably someone with whom you would NOT be romantic—who may have serious relationship or co-dependent issues and may not be totally aware of them yet.)

Another good place, perhaps the best place, is to find a professional counselor who understands co-dependency and can be an empathic listener and affirmer in your life. Someone who will help you see yourself without judging you, and will help you grow through your issues and see yourself in new ways.

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Above all, affirm yourself. Rejoice in who you are. Appreciate yourself as a unique, wonderful, expression of God. You are the most precious, special, and amazing you that ever was or ever will be. As Walt Whitman says, "celebrate yourself." Take good care of you and be as loving and tender with others as you can.

Thank you, God for affirming that it is OK for me to love myself and celebrate myself. Thank you for creating the unique human being that I am.

next: Messages of Love

Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 13

1. The Formation of a Narcissist as a Reaction to His Narcissistic Parents
2. The Test of Archaic Chinese
3. Narcissism - The Individualist's Reaction
4. Somatizing Our Emotions
5. The "Love" of the Narcissist
6. Misogynism Once More ...

1. The Formation of a Narcissist as a Reaction to His Narcissistic Parents

I think that the reaction to a narcissistic parent can be either -----

ACCOMMODATION and ASSIMILATION

The child accommodates, idealizes, and internalizes the primary object successfully. This means that the "internal voice" we all have is a narcissistic voice and that the child tries to comply with its directives and with its explicit and perceived wishes. The child becomes a masterful provider of narcissistic supply, a perfect match to the parent's personality, an ideal source, an accommodating, understanding, and caring caterer to all the needs, whims, mood swings, and cycles of the narcissist, an endurer of devaluation and idealization with equanimity, a superb adapter to the narcissist's worldview, in short: the ultimate extension. This is what we came to call an "inverted narcissist". The child turned adult maintains these traits. He keeps looking for narcissists in order to feel whole, alive and wanted. He seeks to be treated by a narcissist narcissistically (what others would call abuse is to him or to her a homecoming). He feels dissatisfied, empty, and unloved if not by a narcissist.

Or

REJECTION

The child may react to the narcissism of the Primary Object with a peculiar type of rejection. He develops his own narcissistic personality, replete with grandiosity and lack of empathy - BUT his personality is antithetical to the personality of the narcissistic parent. If the parent were a somatic narcissist - the child is likely to be a cerebral one, if his father prided himself on his virtue - he will emphasize his vices, if his mother bragged about her frugality, he is bound to flaunt his wealth.

2. The Test of Archaic Chinese

Some people say that they prefer to live with narcissists, to cater to their needs and to succumb to their whims because this is the way they have been conditioned. It is only with narcissists that they feel alive, stimulated and excited. The world glows in Technicolor in the presence of a narcissist and decays to sepia colours in his absence.

I see nothing inherently "wrong" with that. The test is this: If a person were to constantly humiliate and abuse you verbally using Archaic Chinese - would you have felt humiliated and abused? Probably not. Some people have been conditioned by the narcissistic primary objects in their lives (parents or caregivers) to treat narcissistic abuse as Archaic Chinese, to turn a deaf ear. This technique is effective in that it allows the "inverted narcissist" (the narcissist's willing mate) to experience only the good aspects of life with a narcissist. There are good aspects to living with a narcissist, you know: his sparkling intelligence, the constant drama and excitement, his lack of intimacy and emotional attachment (some people prefer this). Every now and then the narcissist breaks into abusive Archaic Chinese, so what, who understands Archaic Chinese anyhow?

I have only one nagging doubt, though:

If so rewarding, why are inverted narcissists (the few that I met) so unhappy, so ego-dystonic, so in need of help (professional or other)? Aren't they victims who simply experience the Stockholm Syndrome (=identifying with the kidnapper rather than with the Police)?

3. Narcissism - The Individualist's Reaction

Narcissism could well be a reactive formation, a reaction to the assimilation of the individual in the masses, to the melting pots that many countries have become in an age of growing immigration and diminishing expectations. In the absence of the (imaginary) consolation of being part of a higher order (God, the State, the Party, the Nation) - people resort to themselves as a soothing source of reassurance of the meaningfulness of their life. And in a visual age (television, Internet), what could be better than watching oneself in the "mirror" that is others? Indeed, it is the age of images and reflections, perfectly suited to the narcissist. We each have our 15 minutes of existence experienced through the proxy of celebrity ("I felt suddenly alive!", "It was as though I was dreaming all my life!"). The narcissist believes his own superiority, having discovered the alchemist stone of "self-induced and self-generated celebrity".

4. Somatizing Our Emotions

We all tend to "somatize" our emotions. We try to prevent stress and bad emotions from "going to our head" by having a stiff ("blocked") neck. In Judaism one of the curses was : may the hand that committed this sin go dry (=paralysed). These are known as conversion reactions. Unable to face our emotions, acknowledge them, and cope with them - we let our body confront them and do the "talking" through selected organs. Headaches, rashes, paralysis, excruciating pains and even more complex medical syndromes (such as stigmata) - have all been known to originate psychogenically (a.k.a. psychosomatically). But this is precisely why a medical check-up is a MUST in the case of mental disorders - to rule out physiological causes.

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Pain in the chest, for instance, is an integral part of the repertoire of panic attacks. Susan Sontag noted that each age has it own disease or medical condition as a METAPHOR. During the 19th century and the beginning of this one - it was tuberculosis, then cancer, then heart attacks, and now AIDS. People use these ailments to express their inner world - and still remain well within social and cultural norms. So, if I am mentally "sick" and I am scared to admit it (=to face the terrifying burden of my negative emotions) I will be inclined to choose a BODILY metaphor (=I will be inclined to get physically sick). Getting PHYSICALLY sick is socially acceptable. It is normative. There is no ridicule or disbelief involved.

So, people develop incurable tuberculosis, or feel pains in the chest, or grow phantom tumours. It is simply a way of saying: "there is something wrong with me. I am dizzily confused, my heart is broken, I don't feel I can stand on my own two legs".

But it goes both ways. Sometimes treating the physical symptoms alleviates the underlying mental problems. Mental and emotional problems are sometimes resolved by administering placebos (dummy medicines, like sugar pills), by "curing" an "incurable" "disease". This is the case with hypochondriacs of a certain kind. And, as we all know, REAL physical conditions might foster highly specific mental conditions which closely resemble their non-physiogenic equivalents.

This is what leads many psychiatrists to postulate that ALL mental problems are the result of chemical imbalances, whether in the brain or elsewhere. They discard the importance of talk therapy, or other human interactions, and prefer to rely SOLELY on psychopharmacology (medication). Admittedly, there aren't many such purists but the trend is clear and many previously "mental" disorders (like schizophrenia and depression) are now considered to belong predominantly to the domain of the more "physical" branches of medicine.

5. The "Love" of the Narcissist

Narcissists often call the way that they experience narcissistic supply - love. They tend to "emotionalize" situations and behaviours of themselves or of others by labeling them as emotions. This is similar to the way a birth blind person tries to grope with colours. The narcissist often insists that a source of narcissistic supply "loves" and "is loved" by him and, conversely, a source of negative supply "hates" him, is, to him, his "enemy", and so on.

6. Misogynism Once More ...

I am a conscious misogynist. I fear and loathe women and tend to ignore them to the best of my ability. To me they are a mixture of hunter and parasite.

Most male Narcissists are misogynists. After all, they are the warped creation of a woman. A woman gave birth to them and moulded them into what they are: dysfunctional, maladaptive, emotionally dead. They are angry at this woman and, by implication, mad at all women.

The narcissist's attitude to women is, naturally, complex and multi-layered along these four axes:

1. The Holy Whore
2. The Hunter Parasite
3. The Frustrating Object of Desire
4. Special and De-Specialing

The narcissist divides all women to saints on the one hand, and to whores on the other. He finds it difficult to have sex ("dirty", "forbidden", "punishable", "degrading") with feminine significant others (spouse, intimate girlfriend). To him, sex and intimacy are opposites rather than mutually enhancing propositions. Sex is reserved to "whores" (all other women in the world). This division provides for a resolution of his constant cognitive dissonance ("I want her but ..." "I don't need anyone but .."). It also legitimizes his sadistic urges (abstaining from sex is a major and recurrent narcissistic "penalty" inflicted on female "transgressors"). It also tallies well with the frequent idealization-devaluation cycles the narcissist goes through. The idealized females are sexless, the devalued ones - "worthy" of their degradation (sex) and the contempt that, inevitably, follows.

The narcissist believes firmly that women are out to "hunt" men and that this is almost a genetic predisposition. As a result, he feels threatened (as any prey would). This, of course, is an intellectualization of the real, absolutely opposite, state of things: the narcissist feels threatened by women and tries to justify this irrational fear by imbuing women with "objective" qualities which make them, indeed, ominous. This is a small detail in a larger canvass of "pathologizing" others as a means of controlling them. Once the prey is secured, goes the narcissistic fable, the woman assumes the role of a "body snatcher". She absconds with the narcissist's sperm, she generates an endless stream of demanding and nose dripping children, she financially bleeds the men in her life to cater to her needs and to the needs of her dependants. Put differently, she is a parasite, a leech, whose sole function is to suck dry every man she finds and Tarantula-like decapitate them once no longer useful. This, of course, is exactly what the narcissist does to people. Thus, his view of women is a projection.

Heterosexual narcissists desire women as any other red blooded male does (even more so due to the special symbolic nature of women in the narcissist's life - humbling a woman in acts of faintly sadomasochistic sex is a way of getting back at mother). But he is frustrated by his inability to meaningfully interact with them, by their apparent emotional depth and powers of psychological penetration (real or attributed), and by their sexuality. Their incessant demands for intimacy are perceived by him as a threat. He recoils instead of getting closer. The narcissist also despises and derides sex, as we said before. Thus, caught in a seemingly intractable repetition complex, in approach-avoidance cycles, the narcissist becomes furious at the source of his frustration. Some narcissists set out to do some frustrating of their own. They tease (passively or actively), frustrate, or pretend to be asexual and, in any case, they turn down, rather cruelly, any attempt by a woman to court them and to get closer.

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Sadistically, they tremendously enjoy their ability to frustrate the desires, passions, and sexual wishes of women. It endows them with a feeling of omnipotence and with the pleasing experience of potent malevolence. Narcissists are regularly engaged in frustrating all women sexually - and in frustrating significant women in their lives both sexually and emotionally. Somatic narcissists simply use women as objects: use and discard. The emotional background is identical. While the cerebral narcissist punishes through abstention - the somatic narcissist penalizes through excess.

The narcissist's mother kept behaving as though the narcissist was and is not special (to her). The narcissist's whole life is a pathetic and pitiful effort to prove her wrong. The narcissist constantly seeks confirmation from others in his life that he IS special - in other words, that he IS. Women threaten this. Sex is "bestial" and "common". Nothing "special or unique" about sex. Women are perceived by the narcissist to be dragging him to their level, the level of the lowest common denominator of intimacy, sex, and human emotions. Everybody and anybody can feel, mate, and breed. There is nothing to set the narcissist apart and above others in these activities. And yet women seem to be interested ONLY in these pursuits. Thus, the narcissist emotionally believes that women are the continuation of his mother by other means and in different guises. They are only interested in reducing them to their level.

The narcissist hates women virulently, passionately, and uncompromisingly. His hate is primal, irrational, the progeny of mortal fear, and of sustained abuse. Granted, most narcissists learn how to suppress, disguise, even repress these untoward feelings. But their hatred does swing out of control and erupt from time to time. It is a terrifying, paralysing sight. It is the true narcissist.

 

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next: Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 14

Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 12

1. The Narcissist and Total Institutions
2. The Cultural Roots of One Narcissist
3. The Denial Mechanisms of the Narcissist
4. Therapy
5. Traumas and Personality Disorders
6. Narcissists and Medication
7. NPD Son
8. The Narcissist - a Gift to Humanity
9. Co-Dependents and Narcissists
10. Forms of Aggression
11. Narcissist the Sadist
12. Somatic versus Cerebral Narcissists
13. The Narcissist and the Therapist
14. Being Nice to Others
15. Prostituting our Selves

1. The Narcissist and Total Institutions

The reactive patterns of people in "total institutions" (hospitals, boarding schools, army, prison and, THE total institution, the concentration camp) are unique.

Two questions come to mind:

1. Does a normal person react to total institutions by becoming a narcissist (a very plausible reaction)?
2. How do narcissists feel inside total institutions and adapt to them?

2. The Cultural Roots of One Narcissist

I was born in Israel to a Moroccan Jewish father and a Turkish Jewish mother. When I was born, the country was still largely run by Jews of East European and Central European and West European extract (Ashkenazim). I was a Sephardi, a member of a rather despised numerical majority. The Sephardim were considered to be primitive, maladaptive, devoured by ridiculous inferiority complexes, infested by superstitious traditions, uneducated and, in general, unfit to inhabit a modern, Western, liberal state such as the State of Israel aspired to become.

Reality was quite different. The Ashkenazim mostly came from the most regressive and retarded part of Europe (Poland and the Ukraine). The State of Israel until very lately was a socialist (not to say Bolshevik) bastion, very remote from Herzl's liberal ideal (Herzl was the personality disordered visionary founder of Zionism, the political movement that led to the formation of the State of Israel). And many Sephardim were much better adapted to Western culture and technology than thought, having been exposed to French rule for generations (remember "Casablanca"?).

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I learned one thing in the process of becoming a non-Israeli and a non-Jew and, in general, a non-entity (=do not succumb to definitions): melting pots are unpleasantly hot places. They produce homogenous, non-descript, rather useless alloys. They simply don't work. People are anyhow so self-absorbed and self-centred (this seems to be a survival mechanism) that they have very little patience and tolerance. Adding ethnic and cultural friction to the mixture makes it explosive.

I have since lived in 11 countries. I don't know whether to attribute it to my narcissism or whether this is a common reaction (I tend to suspect the latter) - but I find myself constantly culturally shocked. The Russians think nothing of things that would make any American (bar the most extreme and nutty militias) shudder. The Czechs are emotional zombies, inoperative, dysfunctional robots after years of brainwashing, the Macedonians are prone to fantasizing and very short on action, the Americans are children: provincial, naive, aggressive, scared and mitigate their panic with endless rules and litigation. This is how I see them, of course, not how they really are. But it is too much to ask such different people to co-exist.

Culture shock leads to narcissism. In the absence of unconditional, loving and unequivocal acceptance, in the absence of predictable behaviours (due to cultural differences) - whole groups of people retreat and develop mass NPD. They develop grandiose fantasies, a False Self, the whole lot (read: Narcissistic at a Glance again).

3. The Denial Mechanisms of the Narcissist

Some narcissists employ denial mechanisms which they apply to their "extensions" (=family) as well. These narcissists instruct, order, or threaten their children into hiding the truth of abuse, malfunction, mal-adaptation, fear, pervasive sadness, violence, mutual hatred, and mutual repulsion which are the hallmarks of the narcissistic family. "Not to launder the dirty laundry outside" is a common sentence. The whole family conforms to the fantastic narrative of grandiosity, perfection, and superiority invented by the narcissist. The family becomes an extension of his False Self. This is an integral function of the sources of Secondary Narcissistic Supply. Criticizing the narcissist, disagreeing with him, or exposing the lie, penetrating the facade, calling the fiction by its proper name - are considered to be mortal sins. The sinner is immediately subjected to severe and constant emotional harassment, guilt and blame - and to abuse, including physical abuse. This state of things is especially typical of families with sexual abuse to hide.

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Behaviour modification techniques are liberally used by the narcissist to ensure that the skeletons do stay in the family cupboards. An amusing by-product of this atmosphere of concealment and falsity is mutiny. The narcissist's spouse or his adolescent children are likely to exploit this vulnerability of the Narcissist to express their rebellion against him as a figure of reference and authority or a role model. The first thing to crumble in the narcissist's family is the mass denial so diligently insisted upon by him.

4. Therapy,

The general idea in therapy is, indeed, to create the conditions for the True Self to resume its growth: safety, predictability, justice, love and acceptance ("holding"). Therapy is supposed to provide these conditions of nurturance and the guidance necessary (through transference, cognitive relabeling, or other methods). The Narcissist must learn that his past experiences are NOT laws of nature, that not all adults are abusive, that relationships can be nurturing and supportive.

5. Traumas and Personality Disorders

A personality disorder rarely develops following a SINGLE, isolated event. Personality disorders are the result of a PATTERN of abuse. The abuse can be emotional, verbal, physical but asexual, or sexual. Depending on the severity of the traumatic event, certain dissociative reactions develop as a result of a single event of abuse. However, dissociation - even severe (such as DID) - does not constitute a "classical" personality disorder. Recurrent, deliberate, traumatizing abuse is a pre-requisite.

The issue of "false memories" induced by therapists using highly specific therapeutic techniques (such as regressive hypnosis) - is so far from being concluded and it relates to such a narrow part of the spectrum of mental disorders (mainly DID and BPD) that I don't see much point in going into it here.

NPD is the result of very real, recurrent abuse (usually NOT sexual but emotional). It rarely involves dissociation. And the abuse occurs well into early adulthood - when cognitive skills are sufficiently developed to screen out "false or severely modified" memories.

6. Narcissists and Medication

Narcissists generally are averse to medication. It is an implied admission that something is wrong with them. Narcissists are control freaks and afraid to lose control. Additionally, many of them believe that medication is the "great equalizer" - it will make them lose their uniqueness, superiority, and so on. That is UNLESS they can convincingly present taking the medication as an "act of heroism", part of a daring enterprise of self exploration, a distinguishing feature of the narcissist and so on. They will often claim that the medicine affects them differently than it does other people, or that they have discovered a new, exciting way of using it, or that they are part of someone's (usually themselves) learning curve ("part of a new approach to dosage" "part of a new cocktail which holds great promise"). Narcissists MUST dramatize their lives to feel worthy and special. Aut nihil aut unique - either be special or don't be at all.

Very much like in the physical world, change is brought about only through the incredible powers of torsion and breakage. Only when our elasticity gives way, only when we are wounded by our own intransigence - only then is there hope.

Most narcissists have simply not suffered enough. When they do - you find them courting therapists, studying their self, taking medicines, and changing. It takes nothing less than a real crisis. Ennui is not enough.

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7. NPD Son

An NPD son is no different to an NPD husband. You MUST devise and design survival strategies. Try to split his good sides from his less agreeable ones and avoid the latter to the best of your ability. Involve professional help. Being protective of him may be to his detriment.

Set your boundaries and stick to them. Be you, don't be fake, or play a part for his sake, or for the sake of domestic peace. Employ a balanced, just and predictable set of rewards and punishments. Educate him. If he becomes too onerous - get rid of him before he get rids of you. I am sorry to be so blunt but it is reality - not a textbook scenario.

8. The Narcissist - a Gift to Humanity

The narcissist is a gift to humanity. His life carries a cosmic significance. His achievements are never less than earth shattering or paradigm shifting. His intelligence is forever penetrating and superior.

People around him are always pathologically deficient or simply refuse. Everything and everyone should succumb to his demands. His special rights are self proclaiming. His very existence is sufficient warrant. He is entitled by his very being. She who wants more from him is either mentally sick or mentally retarded for being unable to grasp all the above.

9. Co-Dependents and Narcissists

Narcissism is a RIGID, systemic pattern of responses. It is so all-pervasive and all-encompassing that it is a PERSONALITY disorder. If the non-narcissist in the couple is co-dependent, for instance, then the narcissist is a perfect match for her and the union will last till death them do part. Such co-dependents SEEK out narcissists and feels fulfilled ONLY in the presence of narcissists.

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10. Forms of Aggression

Cynical humour, brutal honesty, scathing remarks, boredom, detachment, rage, pathological envy, suicidal ideation, self-berating and self-effacement - are all forms of aggression transformed and directed inwardly or outwardly. A narcissist ignored is a narcissist whose very existence is cast in doubt. He feels threatened. He reacts with fear and its attaching drive, aggression (a "fight or flight" response).

11. Narcissist the Sadist

There are many ways of being sadistic. A resounding silence is one of them. Often the voice of the narcissist is so well embedded in his victims that he no longer needs to say anything. His voice is internalized (very much as the voices of our parents and other meaningful caregivers and adults are supposedly internalized in our superego during our formative years).

12. Somatic versus Cerebral Narcissists

A somatic narcissist uses his/her body to seduce. It is the act of seduction that matters, not the actual physical sex that sometimes follows. In other words: the somatic narcissist derives his/her narcissistic supply more from his ability to discernibly influence others (=tease) than from actual sex (let alone, from a romance, or a relationship). This is so much like histrionic PD (HPD) that I once suggested that HPD was, in effect, NPD where the source of Narcissistic Supply was the body.

(In the following sentences male=female)

A somatic narcissist might also derive his NS from cultivating his body, observing his nutrition and health (up to the point of developing an eating disorder - see FAQ 65- and hypochondriasis), exercising, competitive sports. In short: anything related to the body.

Somatic narcissists are often infidel and serial lovers.

13. The Narcissist and the Therapist

The Narcissist thinks (and often says aloud):

"I know best, I know it all, my therapist is bound to be less intelligent than I, I can't afford the top level therapists who are the only ones qualified to treat me (as my intellectual equals), I am actually a therapist myself...."

This is a litany of self delusion and fantastic grandeur (really, the manifestation of defences and resistances).

"He should be my colleague, in certain respects HE should accept my professional authority, why won't he be friends with me, after all I can use the lingo (psycho-babble) even better than he can? It's US (I and he) against the ignorant world."

Then there is:

"Just who does he think he is asking me all these questions?"

"What are his professional credentials? I am a success and he is a nobody therapist in a dingy office, he is trying to negate my uniqueness, he is an authority figure, I hate him, I will show him, I will humiliate him, prove him ignorant, have his licence revoked (transference)."

"Actually, he is pitiable, a zero, a failure ..."

And all this - in the first three therapy sessions...

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14. Being Nice to Others

Narcissists (full fledged, etc.) are nice to others if:

1. They want something - narcissistic supply, help, support, votes, money... They prepare the ground, manipulate you, and then come out with the "small favour" they need, or ask you blatantly or surreptitiously for narcissistic supply ("what did you think about my performance .." "do you think that I really deserve the Nobel Prize?").

1. They feel threatened and they want to neuter the threat by smothering it with oozing pleasantries.

1. They have just been infused with an overdose of narcissistic supply and they feel magnanimous and generous and magnificent and ideal and perfect. To show magnanimity is a way of flaunting one's impeccable angelic credentials. It is an act of grandiosity. The recipient are not relevant, a mere receptacle of the narcissist's overflowing, self contented infatuation with his False Self.

It is transient. Victims tend to "thank God for little graces" (God being the narcissist). This is the Stockholm syndrome: hostages tend to emotionally identify with the terrorists rather than with the police. We are grateful to our abusers and tormentors for ceasing their hideous activities and letting us breathe for awhile.

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15. Prostituting our Selves

Women who, otherwise, have struck me as charming, witty and emotionally delectable often engage in berating themselves and upbraiding their own behaviour. A random selection: "slut", "dirt" and "tramp".

It is one thing to feel bad about indiscriminate, short term, unfulfilling relationships - and another thing to mislabel oneself.

Our society is still male chauvinistic. We still maintain the infamous double standard. To engage in sex with many women is an achievement (for a man) - to do the same with men is prostitution (for a woman). To allow others to make use of your BRAIN for money is to be a consultant - to allow them to make use of your GENITALS for cash is to be a whore. To enjoy sex in the framework of an exclusive arrangement is almost mandatory - to enjoy the same with many men is considered degrading.

To sell your sexual services on an exclusive basis to one man (no matter how abusive) is to be a respectable wife - to do so serially with more than one, no matter how empathic and helpful - is to be a sinful slut.

My training is in philosophy. Each of the statements above and all of them put together are INDEFENSIBLE. No rigorous, rational and culturally independent argumentation and reasoning can yield the above conclusions. Men instilled and embedded in women these insidious control mechanism to protect their sexual exclusivity and to maintain it and to ascertain that their progeny was indeed theirs. It is moral hypocrisy to call a sexually active woman "dirt" or "whore" or "slut".

The very definition of promiscuity is highly dependent on the specific period, society or culture. In many societies and cultures in history, prostitutes officiated in RELIGIOUS rites. In others, they were considered sacred and privy to divine information. Unlimited sex constituted an integral part of many religions. In some cultures uninhibited sex was encouraged among women and taught to them from an early age. In others, guests were invited to share the host's female folk (never against their will, by the way).

Feel GOOD about your body and your sexuality. I have yet to come across something more aesthetically elating than an excited and exciting sexual woman. Don't let society, culture and the men in your life tell you what you are.

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next: Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 13

A step-by-step guide on how to recognize the signs of stress and how to effectively deal with stress.

Contents

• Recognize your signs of stress
• Dealing with stress (your reactions)
• Positive self-talk
• Relaxation
• Stress-relieving relaxation
• Meditation
• Exercise
• A balanced lifestyle
• Dealing with anger
• Drugs, alcohol and smoking
• Changing your life

If you are feeling stressed, then you may be having trouble with sleeping and concentrating, and with being positive and hopeful. Your body may be trying to get you to recognize that it is feeling stressed by giving you headaches, making you feel sick, giving you indigestion, a fluttery feeling in the tummy, or any one of a number of other signs that are trying to show you that you need to relax.

Here are some ideas to help you deal with stress.

Recognize your signs of stress

Think of a time that was stressful for you - it might have been an exam or a disagreement with a friend, or maybe you needed to tell someone something really important and didn't know how they'd react.

Try to remember how your body felt

• Did you have butterflies in the tummy before the exam?
• Did you get a headache when arguing?
• Did you find it hard to sleep before telling that person the news?

Stop now and have a think about how it felt for you. Perhaps you could write those signs down so you'll remember later.

Dealing with stress (your reactions)

• How did you deal with the stress in the situation you thought about before? Was it helpful?
• Was there another situation where you dealt with stress really well?

Perhaps you could write those strategies down to remember for times you need them. There are many choices in the way that you can deal with stress. Talk to friends about good ways they use to deal with stress to increase your choices.

Positive self-talk

Positive self-talk helps you tap into your inner strengths. We all have inner strengths. Positive self-talk is about using your mind in the way you want, to help yourself. It helps us to decide how we'll react to stress. When we do the opposite (negative thinking) we create more stress for ourselves. Here are some ways to use Positive self-talk.

• Tell yourself positive statements every day (examples: "I am good at ....", "I have inner strength", "I have true beauty within", "All is well", "I feel peaceful now").

• Picture seeing yourself in a positive situation - one that you want to move towards (eg. see yourself doing that school test and being relaxed about it and doing well, picture the teacher reading your test and being impressed on how well you did).

• Remind yourself of things you've done well in the past ("I did well on that school project last year - this means I can do it again").

• Look at the big picture - will it really matter in 5 years? Will the world stop turning if it does or doesn't happen?

• Work on what you can control, accept the rest and let it go.

• You can even make a tape of your own voice saying positive, relaxing, supportive things.

Relaxation

What do you find relaxing?

• Is it dancing, art, meditation, fishing, going for a walk with friends, reading a book, listening to music, shopping, a gym work-out, talking to a friend or playing sport?

Think about things you can do that relax you, and find ways to build them into your weekly routine. These are ways both to prevent stress and to deal with stress.

There are other ways to relax and unwind.

• How about a massage? You could give a friend a neck and shoulder massage or a hand massage and ask for one back.

• Perhaps a yoga or tai chi class is for you.

• Herbal teas like chamomile can help and so can a warm bath or aromatherapy oils like lavender oil.

There are quick relaxation techniques that take just a few minutes. You can use these in many places. For example take a few minutes to relax in the middle of an exam if you find yourself getting stressed and not thinking clearly.

• Deep breathing - breathe in through the nose and let the air fill the bottom of your lungs first, breathe right down to your stomach, then breathe out slowly, concentrating on letting the muscles of your body relax.

• Focus breathing - breathe in through the nose and as you breathe out say a positive statement to yourself like relax or calm down.

• Stretching - stretch out muscles, reach the arms above the head and stretch, or just stretch whatever part of the body you feel needs it. Visualization - this is where you picture a pleasant place and use slow breathing through the nose - you can make the place anywhere you want to and you can change anything in the picture to see, feel, sound or smell just as you wish.

Stress-relieving relaxation

This kind of relaxation takes a little longer.

• You start by sitting or lying down comfortably. A quiet place or relaxing music to listen to is nice.

• Close your eyes.

• Tighten then relax your muscles in order - for example, start at the feet, work your way up through the legs, the middle, your chest and your face muscles.

• One at a time scrunch each set of muscles up tightly for about 30 seconds, then let them go loose.

• Feel which parts of your body are tight and need more work.

You can get tapes to help you do this. This is also good to help you feel the difference between when you are relaxed and when you are tense. This raises your awareness of when you're getting tense and stressed.

Meditation

There are various ways to meditate.

• You can learn by listening to meditation tapes and CDs, by going to a meditation class or by learning from a friend.

• Or you could teach yourself - try this simple meditation.

  • Prepare by getting comfortable and becoming aware of your breathing.

  • Start to count after each breath. Breathe in, breathe out, one, breathe in, breathe out two ... up to ten then start again. If you lose count, go back to one. Just do this for a few minutes. Later you might want to do it for longer and concentrate more and more on your breathing and the feel of your breath going into and out of your body.

  • If any thoughts or noises enter your mind, notice them, let them go and gently return to your meditation.

Exercise

Many people find physical activity helps burn up some of that stress. It can be fun too.

A balanced lifestyle

This is another key to coping well. Make time for:

• yourself - rest, relaxation, thinking time, exercise, and healthy eating
• your relationships
• your social life
• your spiritual needs (this could be religion, nature or whatever is right for you)
• work or study.

To do all this you need to:

• manage your time, eg. make lists, prioritize - there are many books around on time management, or friends may be able to help you with this

• take time out to enjoy your life

• set goals and work towards them - smaller goals are important to have as well as longer term goals

• at work or study, keep in mind that you can only do so much, and that you should take regular breaks.

If it's all getting too much, ask for support. Talk to a friend or family member, or someone supportive at school, or college.

Above all, keep your sense of humor.

Dealing with anger

Anger can lead to stress.

• You might try something physical like going for a run or a bike ride.

• Some people write letters and put in everything they feel angry about, then burn them.

• Other people turn the music up loud and say out loud whatever it is they'd really like to tell someone.

It's OK, in fact it's good, to express anger. We all get angry. We can choose what we do about it and how we express it. Do what's right for you as long as you don't hurt anyone or anything.

Drugs, alcohol and smoking

Some people try drugs, like alcohol (see our topic on 'Alcohol - the facts') and they smoke more.

• This is likely to be more harmful than helpful when you consider the health risks.
• Importantly, they won't change whatever is causing the stress.
• Sometimes doctors prescribe medication like antidepressants for a short time. This could help, but on its own doesn't change whatever is causing the stress.

It's important to look at the causes and ways to deal with the causes - whether that be by increasing your own coping capacities or making changes to your lifestyle.

Changing Your Life

Sometimes changes in your life are the only way to really reduce stress.

• If it's hard to decide how to do that, talk to a trusted friend.
• You could go to counseling to find ways to make changes.

It might mean that you do less for now. For example, if you're studying full time and working and have a relationship and a social life, you may need to cut down somewhere or cut down a bit everywhere.

Source: Child and Youth Health