I'm a 54 year old sexual abuse survivor. My uncle abused and raped me starting at the age of 4. It took me many years to finally realize what was wrong with me. Actually, I was sitting in a psych class. The topic was sexual abuse. I didn't think I could relate and had started studying for a test in Microbiology. However, a girl in the front of my row started sharing her story of abuse, I stopped studying. I KNEW she was telling my story. I started sobbing and had to go to my professor's office for the duration of the class.

After class my professor talked with me for over an hour and encouraged me to get help. When I got home, I told my husband about my discovery. He wanted to kill my uncle.

Thinking since everyone I'd told believed me, I would be believed in my family, so I called my mother. The first thing she said when I told her was "lets keep this between us." I told her I couldn't, knowing I was in for the fight of my life.

I was born and raised in a mennonite family. After telling her my story, I was immediately blamed...it was the way I dressed. (although my mother dressed me when I was 4) They tore my story apart, accusing me of lying. I stood alone, in a large proud, opinionated family, who didn't want to admit they had a rapist in the family.

My life has been difficult. I've struggled trying to make a life as close to my family as I can. I live in constant pain from Osteoarthritis, Osteopenia, TMJ, Scoliosis, PTSD and worsening depression. I haven't been able to work as much as I was and now am in serious financial trouble. I need to quit working for health reasons, but can't afford to live without a paycheck. I feel my uncle needs to pay for what he's done, but I've been told that if I press charges or sue him that I will be "shunned". I will no longer be a member of my family.

I don't know how much more I can take.

I am 35 years old and started self-injuring when I was about 13.

I'm not sure why I began to self-injure, but I was depressed a lot and just sort of felt the need to punish myself for it. I was not good at expressing emotional pain and for some reason turned it on myself.

I self-injured on and off as a teenager, and then picked it up again in my mid-twenties. There have been years when I didn't do it at all and then I would get into it fairly regularly. If there were a major disappointment in myself or someone else, I would self-harm to cope with it.

Right now, it has been a bit over six months since I did it--this is the longest period of sobriety from self-injury that I have had for about three years. In the past when I stopped, it was not usually a decision to never self-injure again, it just sort of stopped, though once or twice I may have realized that it was something I shouldn't do any more.

I started going to therapy for self-injury about a year-and-a-half ago because the self-injurious behaviors were getting worse. I was able to go for a month or two at times without SI, but would keep going back to it. I also stopped drinking early in therapy, which allowed me to more clearly see what my other issues were, but it still took me a long time to stop the self-injury.

Therapy helped, though I know that it was a decision I had to make for myself to stop the self-harm. I still can never say that I am done with it altogether, but I can say that I am not going to do it right now. It was an attitude adjustment and a complete life change that has helped. But I do sometimes have the urge to do it, to have that kind of relief, release, that self-injury can provide. But I now look at the consequences, the guilt, the ugly scars I will have.

Keeping Self-Injury A Secret

For most of my life I have kept my self-injury a secret, but I began to talk about it more in the last few years as it got worse--I even did it in front of friends a few times. That was a big reason I decided I needed to get help. I knew I suffered from depression, and I knew I felt relieved when I cut myself, but I couldn't get better on my own.

Seeing a therapist was the last thing I ever thought I would do. I felt weak. But a few friends of mine had started therapy and/or entered rehab for various reasons around that time, so that sort of inspired me to surrender and get the help I needed. It was scary and difficult and I didn't know if I could do it.

I am grateful for my therapist. I am grateful that I have made the tough choices I have had to make, as painful as they have been. But I have, for the first time in my life, really made some important changes in my life that are leading me down a better path.

Ed. Note: Dana will be our guest on the HealthyPlace TV Show, airing live on our website this Tuesday, March 10 at 5:30p PT, 7:30 CT, 8:30 ET. You'll also have a chance to ask Dana your personal questions and share your own experiences.

Of the many factors that ultimately determine a child's success in life, the capacity to successfully interact and insert oneself among a diversity of people ranks among the top. Social navigation requires both a broad repertoire of skills and a deep understanding of shifting dynamic forces that shape relationships. Developing these capacities requires engagement with a broad range of social events. Yet, most children prefer the safety of familiar peers and places, narrowing their choices due to fear of feeling awkward and uncomfortable. Their social world becomes divided into the favored, or those they enjoy spending time with, and everyone else.

If your child has settled into this stifling pattern consider the following coaching tips to help them find the confidence to step out of their comfort zone.

Identify the drawbacks of a socially limited lifestyle.

Narrow children live in a bubble of individual preferences and interests, avoiding that which is different and ignoring others who they perceive as not fitting their "social mold." They travel within their "comfort roads," talking to the same peers at school, doing the same activities after school, and resisting the challenges of change. Striking up conversations with new people, pursuing new opportunities, and socially stretching themselves to deeper levels of interaction within the world of people are considered awkward and uncomfortable. Proactive parents coach narrow children to turn what feels awkward into opportunity for social growth.

Pinpoint where situations offer the possibility of social successes.

Ignoring opportunities and inhibiting responses has become so ingrained that narrow children do not see where windows of social opportunity open. Explain how windows are present when passing a peer in a mall, noticing a familiar person in the community, or answering a phone. Emphasize the importance of expressing warmth and sincerity, and asking questions as a way of advancing their sociability. Help them understand how certain catchphrases such as "thanks for calling," "good to see you," "I hope I see you soon" and "how have you been doing?" exude social confidence. These steps help them transform their "social signature" from black and white to color.

Stress how conversation is the key to a more mature social identity.

Rather than rise to the occasion, narrow children tend to converse with those outside their favored circle in an abrupt and dismissive manner. In body language, tone, and choice of words, they appear to be saying, "I can't wait to get out of this situation." Help them understand how evident this is to others and leaves a lasting impression in people's minds. Caving into this discomfort creates "opportunity cost" when the message about them gets out to more and more people who form opinions without even knowing them. It doesn't occur to others that were feeling awkward. Observers tend to see it as arrogant, aloof, or self-centered, and the ripple effect means that such news travels fast.

Review scenarios with an eye focused upon social successes and areas for improvement.

Parents can pick from a multitude of situations that contain rich examples for children to learn from. Overnight guests who act entitled and unappreciative, peers who initiate "cold calls" as a way of reaching out before a trip both will be taking, or dinner conversations that are not particularly interesting to the child, are all fodder for real life "social studies" Challenge your child to learn from the obvious errors of their peers, remind your child of their emotionally flat responses to past interpersonal encounters and push your child to make the phone call they have been avoiding to the dread of discomfort. Greater social confidence comes from expanding their comfort zone, not shrinking it.

More parenting articles by Dr. Richfield

Dr. Steven Richfield is an author and child psychologist in Plymouth Meeting, PA He has developed a child-friendly, self-control/social skills building program called Parent Coaching Cards now in use in thousands of homes and schools throughout the world. His book, "The Parent Coach: A New Approach To Parenting In Today's Society," is available through Sopris West (sopriswest.com or 1-800-547-6747) He can be contacted at director@parentcoachcards.com or 610-238-4450. To learn more, visit www.parentcoachcards.com.

Ed. note: Detailed information on parenting skills here.

Visit Dr. Steven Richfield's site The Parent Coach, right here at HealthyPlace

next: Preparing The Aspergers Young Adult For The Social Challenges Of College ~ back to: Parenting Articles Table of Contents

I resent this feeling, these feelings that invade my life on a daily basis.  Before panic attacks made my life a misery I would never have voluntarily gone into a shrinks office...I was brought up to believe that you handle it, no matter what life hands you.  psychiatry and therapy is basically thought of as voodoo in my family. 

Now I am a believer although it has been hell to get the actual help I needed, my very first doc, basically I had to explain much to my embarrasement all the details of my panic attacks and finally the doctor gave me xanax, along with anti depressants, of which I have tried them all, as well i have seen every social worker therapist, clinical psychologist and psychiatrist .  so now to make a long story short I am hooked on clonazapem, I take two antidepressants and lithium, I am a junkie.  I hat going to the dr.s and writing down all the meds i take, because of the stigma.  I guess I actually believe in the meds and some of the people in mental health have good intentions. 

but mostly I dont trust anyone.  I am wary of what i say to all dr's, cause i bet if you try to be open and honest with your family physician that is it!  the stigma is there and it wont go away.  I am never suicidial when i see my shrink :) because it is hard to get into treatment at a hospital it is even harder to get out. I was plotting my escape the minute i got there...

I ordered this book, When The Piano Stops by Catherine McCall off of Amazon.com with a gift card my cousin gave me for Christmas. This was helpful since I don't have my own credit card, nor do I plan on getting one anytime soon. I think this may be a good idea because if I have a credit card, I may go crazy shopping online and spend a bunch of money and I really can't afford to do that! Anyway, I finished reading her book within a couple of days. It's her memoir of her journey through dealing with her sexual abuse. I highly recommend people read her book and help her "make good" of "it". Her story can be triggering for some and it was for me. I laughed, got angry, cried, and smiled throughout her story. It helped me to organize my own thoughts and remember some more of what happened with my abuse. I had been remembering bits and pieces of more of Wildwood but I decided to keep it inside of me and not mention it to anyone. I felt that if I had shared it with others, it would have made me want to remember it even more and try and force myself to remember. By forcing myself, it would take longer for me to remember the memories instead of them just coming to me.

They came to me alright! Between flashbacks and nightmares, I finally remembered more of what happened last night, in my closet. He did it again. I thought that I was in the house alone except, I really wasn't. He didn't leave with the rest of the gang. I don't remember nearly as many details as I do about the first time but I'm sure it'll get there eventually.

Insurance is being a pain in the ass with going to Princeton House's Woman's Trauma Program. If they're going to pay 50% then there's NO WAY I can afford to go there. If they're going to pay 90% then I can definitely afford to go. The longer this takes, the harder it is for me to imagine myself going there and I'm starting to wonder if this is a sign...if this is a sign that I shouldn't go and I should just stick with seeing CJ. Of course seeing CJ would be just GREAT for me--I work hard with her...probably harder during one session than I could over the course of two days in a day program. OR, this sign could go the other day--a great test of my strength...to see how determined I am to get better and go the extra step to go into a program...see how long I can hold on until things are approved for me to go into treatment. However, working with CJ is just as equal treatment as a day program would be. I just can't make up my mind. I LOVE working with CJ. It's really hard to leave her and work with someone else...really hard. She's so damn good that it's hard for me to be as open as I am with her because when I don't see her, it's HER that I'm looking for in a therapist. Damn her and her high standards! Lol. Jk.

So, back to the book. I wanted to post something that I read from When The Piano Stops because I could relate a LOT to it and I'm sure that many others can too, "But I don't know for sure why, or how, I control my impulse to self-destruct. It might be that I'm so accustomed to choosing life in the face of death that getting out of the tub and drying off is the natural thing to do."

Until another time,

Night:)

<3Christina

(Ed. Note: This is a companion article to the HealthyPlace TV Show on Self-Injury. Our guest, Dana, shares part of her self-injury story here.)

Self injury refers to the act of consciously harming oneself by means of such behaviors as: cutting, scratching, burning, pinching, biting, head banging or other harmful physical behaviors. Interestingly, it is not done in an effort to kill oneself, but rather is an act designed to help the person to "cope" with negative emotional states such as: tension, loneliness, frustration, anger, rage, depression or a whole host of other negative, bothersome emotions.

Since most people who engage in self-injury do so in secret, and with a sense of guilt and shame, we have no idea just how common the behavior is, but recent information shows it to be more common than most of us previously believed. Rarely is the behavior voluntarily revealed to others. We used to believe self-harm was exclusively a female problem, but we now know it may be as common in males.

The Addictive Nature of Self-Injury

The behavior is often performed impulsively at first, and is followed by a relief of the negative emotions for which it was performed, accompanied by sense of calm and sometimes "numbness." However, rather shortly, these feelings are replaced by a tremendous sense of guilt and shame, and a return of many of the prior negative emotions "and then some." Over time, the self-injurious behaviors often take on an "addictive" quality making them even more difficult to stop.

The behavior generally starts in the pre-teen or teen years, but can continue for many years into adulthood.

Self injury is not a diagnosis, but rather a symptom of an emotional disturbance. Those engaging in the behavior may also have other psychiatric disorders including: borderline personality disorder (BPD), mood disorders, eating disorders, substance abuse disorders or anxiety disorders such as obsessive-compulsive disorder and/ or post traumatic stress disorder.

Treatment for Self-Injury

Getting help for self-injury, self-harm begins with and understanding of what it is, and that it is part of an emotional problem that can be helped. Just knowing that others do the same thing can be reassuring to the sufferer. The sufferer must, despite the guilt and shame begin to face and admit the behaviors (even if the scars, etc, are originally discovered by family members or others).

Treatment for self-injury is possible, and can be quite effective. Generally help involves psychotherapy (individually, family or group), and education about the condition. For some, medication can be useful. In severe cases, hospitalization may be required.

There is a great deal of information on self-injury on the HealthyPlace website, and I encourage you to watch the HealthyPlace TV Show on self-injury. Help is available.

Dr. Harry Croft is a Board-Certified Psychiatrist and Medical Director of HealthyPlace.com. Dr. Croft is also the co-host of the HealthyPlace TV Show.

next: Bipolar Disorder: Diagnosis and Treatment
~ other mental health articles by Dr. Croft

Can someone please tell me what the heck the difference is between "Support Blogs" and "MyBlog"? It asks me to select a category from these two every time I write an entry and yet I have no idea what the difference is.

I know every new thing has a learning curve but I am finding this new HP site really hard to navigate and to use. There are so many menus and navigation bars that I never know where to look for what!

My other concern is that the chat feature seems to have gone from chat rooms (they had this on the old HP site) to what seems to be a glorified Instant Messenging system with a really overly technified interface.  This site seems to be harder than it needs to be and still quite buggy.

I am hoping that things get worked out over time and that someone can really ask the users what is working and what is not.

Here's what's happening on the HealthyPlace site this week:

• HealthyPlace.com Relaunch and Orientation

First, I want to thank you for being a subscriber to the HealthyPlace email newsletter. It's our way of updating you with mental health news and happenings on the HealthyPlace.com website.

On Tuesday evening, we had our first HealthyPlace TV Show on "The Devastation Caused By Untreated Bipolar Disorder. If you missed it, click here for a list of previous HealthyPlace Mental Health TV Shows. Our guest, Ted, shared his story of life with untreated bipolar disorder. A couple of the highlights: Ted discussed the impact bipolar disorder had on his teenage son and wife and the tools his family used to aid in their recovery. HealthyPlace.com Medical Director, Dr. Harry Croft, has a companion post on Bipolar Disorder: Diagnosis and Treatment.

Next Tuesday, our focus is on "Self-injury: Why I Started and Why It's So Difficult to Stop." If you have personal experience with this subject, how about being our guest? All you need is a webcam.   Your insights could help many others facing a similar situation.   Write us at producer at healthyplace.com

If you haven't been to our site in the last few weeks, I wanted to let you know that we have a completely new design as well as a lot of new content and features.

When you come onto HealthyPlace.com, you'll notice every major feature on the site can be accessed from the top navigation menu seen on every page. These features include:

• The HealthyPlace Mental Health Support Network (under "support")
• The HealthyPlace TV Show
• The HealthyPlace Mood Tracker (online mood journal, under "tools")
• HealthyPlace Online Psychological Tests (instantly scored, under "insight")
• HealthyPlace Mental Health Videos (under "insight")

We also have two special treatment sections on the site entitled:

• The Gold Standard of Treating Depression
• The Gold Standard of Treating Bipolar Disorder

These are written by award-winning mental health author and HealthyPlace Expert Bipolar/Depression Patient, Julie Fast, and include extensive interviews with Julie about the content and her personal experiences.

I want to encourage you to check out the top navigation drop-down menus for a quick view of everything on the site. I also hope that you'll want to join our Support Network and that you'll set up a profile and participate. We already have over 700 members.

back to: HealthyPlace.com Newsletter Index