• Watch the video on Narcissist Re-Parenting

Question:

You seem to be very sceptical that someone with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder can be treated successfully. 

Answer:

The Narcissistic Personality Disorder has been recognised as a distinct mental health diagnosis a little more than two decades ago. There are few who can honestly claim expertise or even in-depth understanding of this complex condition.

No one knows whether therapy works. What is known is that therapists find narcissists repulsive, overbearing and unnerving. It is also known that narcissists try to co-opt, idolize, or humiliate the therapist.

But what if the narcissist really wants to improve? Even if complete healing is out of the question - behaviour modification is not.

To a narcissist, I would recommend a functional approach, along the following lines:

1. 1. Know and accept thyself. This is who you are. You have good traits and bad traits and you are a narcissist. These are facts. Narcissism is an adaptive mechanism. It is dysfunctional now, but, once, it saved you from a lot more dysfunction or even non-function. Make a list: what does it mean to be a narcissist in your specific case? What are your typical behaviour patterns? Which types of conduct do you find to be counterproductive, irritating, self-defeating or self-destructive? Which are productive, constructive and should be enhanced despite their pathological origin?
   2. Decide to suppress the first type of behaviours and to promote the second. Construct lists of self-punishments, negative feedback and negative reinforcements. Impose them upon yourself when you have behaved negatively. Make a list of prizes, little indulgences, positive feedbacks and positive reinforcements. Use them to reward yourself when you adopted a behaviour of the second kind.

1. Keep doing this with the express intent of conditioning yourself. Be objective, predictable and just in the administration of both punishments and awards, positive and negative reinforcements and feedback. Learn to trust your "inner court". Constrain the sadistic, immature and ideal parts of your personality by applying a uniform codex, a set of immutable and invariably applied rules.
2. Once sufficiently conditioned, monitor yourself incessantly. Narcissism is sneaky and it possesses all your resources because it is you. Your disorder is intelligent because you are. Beware and never lose control. With time this onerous regime will become a second habit and supplant the narcissistic (pathological) superstructure.

You might have noticed that all the above can be amply summed by suggesting to you to become your own parent. This is what parents do and the process is called "education" or "socialisation". Re-parent yourself. Be your own parent. If therapy is helpful or needed, go ahead.

The heart of the beast is the inability of the narcissist to distinguish true from false, appearances from reality, posing from being, Narcissistic Supply from genuine relationships, and compulsive drives from true interests and avocations. Narcissism is about deceit. It blurs the distinction between authentic actions, true motives, real desires, and original emotions - and their malignant forms

Narcissists are no longer capable of knowing themselves. Terrified by their internal apparitions, paralysed by their lack of authenticity, suppressed by the weight of their repressed emotions - they occupy a hall of mirrors. Edvard Munch-like, their elongated figures stare at them, on the verge of the scream, yet somehow, soundless.

The narcissist's childlike, curious, vibrant, and optimistic True Self is dead. His False Self is, well, false. How can anyone on a permanent diet of echoes and reflections ever acquaint himself with reality? How can the narcissist ever love - he, whose essence is to devour meaningful others?

The answer is: discipline, decisiveness, clear targets, conditioning, justice. The narcissist is the product of unjust, capricious and cruel treatment. He is the finished product off a production line of self-recrimination, guilt and fear. He needs to take the antidote to counter the narcissistic poison. Unfortunately, there is no drug which can ameliorate pathological narcissism.

Confronting one's parents about one's childhood is a good idea if the narcissist feels that he can take it and cope with new and painful truths. But the narcissist must be careful. He is playing with fire. Still, if he feels confident that he can withstand anything revealed to him in such a confrontation, it is a good and wise move in the right direction.

My advice to the narcissist would then be: dedicate a lot of time to rehearsing this critical encounter and define well what is it exactly that you want to achieve. Do not turn this reunion into a monodrama, group therapy, or trial. Get some answers and get at the truth. Don't try to prove anything, to vindicate, to take revenge, to win the argument, or to exculpate. Talk to them, heart to heart, as you would with yourself. Do not try to sound professional, mature, intelligent, knowledgeable and distanced. There is no "problem to solve" - just a condition to adjust yourself to.

More generally, try to take life and yourself much less seriously. Being immersed in one's self and in one's mental health condition is never the recipe to full functionality, let alone happiness. The world is an absurd place. It is indeed a theatre to be enjoyed. It is full of colours and smells and sounds to be treasured and cherished. It is varied and it accommodates and tolerates everyone and everything, even narcissists.

You, the narcissist, should try to see the positive aspects of your disorder. In Chinese, the ideogram for "crisis" includes a part that stands for "opportunity". Why don't you transform the curse that is your life into a blessing? Why don't you tell the world your story, teach people in your condition and their victims how to avoid the pitfalls, how to cope with the damage? Why don't you do all this in a more institutionalised manner? For instance, you can start a discussion group or put up a Web site on the internet. You can establish a "narcissists anonymous" in some community shelter. You can open a correspondence network, a help centre for men in your condition, for women abused by narcissists ... the possibilities are endless. And it will instil in you a regained sense of self-worth, give you a purpose, endow you with self-confidence and reassurance. It is only by helping others that we help ourselves. This is, of course, a suggestion - not a prescription. But it demonstrates the ways in which you can derive power from adversity.

It is easy for the narcissist to think about Pathological Narcissism as the source of all that is evil and wrong in his life. Narcissism is a catchphrase, a conceptual scapegoat, an evil seed. It conveniently encapsulates the predicament of the narcissist. It introduces logic and causal relations into his baffled, tumultuous world. But this is a trap.

The human psyche is too complex and the brain too plastic to be captured by a single, all-encompassing label, however all-pervasive the disorder is. The road to self-help and self-betterment passes through numerous junctions and stations. Except for pathological narcissism, there are many other elements in the complex dynamics that is the soul of the narcissist. The narcissist should take responsibility for his life and not relegate it to some hitherto rather obscure psychodynamic concept. This is the first and most important step towards healing

next:  The Narcissist's Mother

All old souls are now doing accelerated Karmic settlement in this New Age. Our mission to integrate Spirituality into our interactions.

It is easy to feel Spiritual in relationship with nature.

It is relating to other humans that is messy.

That is because we learned how to do life and relationships in childhood. Through healing our childhood wounds we can learn to connect Spiritually and heal the planet.

"The term "old-soul" refers to the stage of consciousness evolution an individual has attained by this lifetime - it does not mean better than, or farther along than, those who do not have to do the healing. There is no hierarchy in the Truth of a Loving Great Spirit. Those who appear to have low, or no, consciousness in this lifetime are simply doing their healing in another space-time illusion parallel to this one. All old-souls are born at a heart-chakra level of consciousness and therefore have more sensitivity, and less capacity for denial, than other people. In other words, the gift of having access to Truth and Love carries with it the price of greatly increased emotional sensitivity."

(Column "Christ Consciousness" by Robert Burney)

"That is what this is all about! The second coming has begun! Not of "The Messiah," but of a whole bunch of messiahs. The messiah - the liberator - is within us! A liberating, Healing Transformational Movement has begun. "The Savior" does not exist outside of us - "The Savior" exists within.

We are the sons and daughters of God. We, the old souls, who are involved in this Healing Movement, are the second coming of the message of Love.

We have entered what certain Native American prophecies call the Dawning of the Fifth World of Peace. Through focusing on our own healing the planet will be healed.

We all have available to us within a direct channel to the Highest Vibrational Frequency Range within The Illusion. That highest range involves consciousness of the Glory of ONENESS. It is called Cosmic Consciousness. It is called Christ Consciousness."

( The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney)

"We have all lived multiple lifetimes. We have all experienced every facet of being human. We are now not just healing our wounds from this lifetime, we are doing Karmic settlement on a massive scale, at a very accelerated rate.

Karma is the Loving, wonderful law of energy interaction which governs human interaction. Like the other levels of Universal Law, it is about cause and effect. In this case, "what you sow, you reap."

Karmic Law dictates that every action of cause on the Physical Plane is paid for with a consequence of effect on the Physical Plane. In other words, no one can end up in the hole, or in some hell in an afterlife. (Hell is here on earth, and we have all experienced it already.)

We who are doing this healing are about to graduate from the school of Karmic human experience. Any minute now . . . or any lifetime.

What graduation means is that we can be released from the Karmic merry-go-round, from the Karmic dance that was necessary because of polarization and "reversity." It does not mean that we will cease to exist; that would be a pretty hollow victory indeed.

What I believe it means is that when peace prevails, when the thousand years of peace begins, when a balanced, harmonious, Spiritually-aligned world evolves, then we can come back and play with all of our friends. With our Kindred Spirits and our Soul Mates, and in union with our Twin Soul."

"Of course, one of the reasons that I have the honor and privilege of carrying this Joyous message in this lifetime is because of my Karmic debts from other lifetimes.

Possibly one of the reasons that you are reading this is because I, personally, owe you a Karmic debt. Maybe I gouged out your eyes when I was a Roman legionnaire or a Viking or something, and now I am repaying that debt by helping you to see more clearly in this lifetime.

We will probably never know for sure and we probably do not have any need to know for sure. Past life information is available to us only on a need-to-know basis. In other words, only if it is directly connected to our healing process in this lifetime. Simple curiosity is not a good enough reason to allow us to access accurate past life information. (Of course we have our curiosity for a reason too.)

Everything happens for a reason - actually for reasons on multiple levels. We can never know all of the reasons. We have no need to know all of the reasons.

What we need to do is to remember that it is all perfect somehow, some way. We need to remember that to help us stop judging ourselves and the process.

As in the quote from Illusions, it is the depth of our belief in tragedy and injustice that is a measure of our Spiritual growth. "The depth of our belief" has to do with our perspective, with how much we are buying into the reversed attitudes and false beliefs, with how much power we are giving the illusions.

What I have found is that in many instances even though the levels that I can see, that I am conscious of, are mostly dysfunctional arising out of the false beliefs and fears of the disease of Codependence - on deeper levels there are "right on" reasons for behaviors for which I was judging myself.

. . . As another, more universal example, when I started to learn about Codependence, I used to really beat myself up because I found that I was still looking for "her," even though I had learned about some of the dysfunctional levels of that longing.

I had learned that as long as I thought that I needed someone else to make me happy and whole I was setting myself up to be a victim. I had learned that I was not a frog who needed a princess to kiss me in order to turn into a prince - that I am a prince already, and just need to learn to accept that state of Grace, that prince ness.

I had come to understand that those levels of my longing were dysfunctional and Codependent - and I judged and shamed myself because I could not let go of the longing for "her."

But as my awakening progressed I realized that there were "right on" reasons for that longing, for that "endless aching need" that I felt.

One of those "right on" levels was that the longing was a message concerning my very real need to attain some balance between the masculine and feminine energy within me - which begets dysfunctional behavior when it is projected, focused, outward as I had been taught to do in childhood.

And on a much deeper level I came to understand that I am - and have been, ever since polarization - looking for my twin soul.

As I become discerning I could learn to pick the baby out of the bathwater, that is, not judge and shame myself for longing for "her" - and throw out the dirty bath water, that is, not take action based on, or give power to, the dysfunctional belief that I am a frog who cannot be happy until I find my princess.

By learning discernment we can begin to become conscious of the reasons that are dysfunctional and based on Codependent beliefs and fears (the dirty bathwater) so that we can change the way we react to those levels, can stop giving them power, and we can honor that there are "right on" levels by not shaming or judging ourselves (the baby) even if we are not sure what those reasons are.

I am talking about FAITH here.

The more we remember that everything is unfolding perfectly, the more we can have faith that there is a very good reason for even what appears to be the greatest tragedy, the most profound injustice.

We need to accept and honor - that is, not shame and judge ourselves for - not only our feelings and our past behaviors, our human needs and desires, but also our longings, our resistance, and our fears.

We have those longings for a reason. We have those fears and that resistance for a reason. The more we start remembering that "the Force is with us," the easier it becomes to accept and Love ourselves.

As was stated earlier, maybe the reason you have not done your grief work is that it has not been time yet - everything happens perfectly. Even our procrastination, and our denial, and our avoidance is a perfect part of our path.

We are being guided!

The more we remember that, the easier it is to stop buying into the grandiose, ego-self, arrogant, Codependent, power trip of believing that we have the incredible power to screw up the Great Spirit's Plan. We do not. We never did.

One of the reasons on a very deep level, at a soul/higher ego level, that we have resistance to doing our healing and owning our power is because of our past life experiences.

We have all been punished for owning our power in the past! Whether that was by being burned at the stake for being a healer, or drawn and quartered for being a teacher, or hanged for being a messenger, or whatever.

So we have very good reasons for not trusting God or this life business!

We also have very good reasons for not trusting ourselves because we have all abused the power in the past. We have had lifetimes when we were teachers who led our students astray, when we were healers or leaders or messengers who took the left-hand path and served the forces of darkness instead of Light.

We have very good reasons for being terrified of owning our power again!

Those are the reasons on the deepest level why we have resistance to the healing process; that is why some of us have needed the stick to get us to start awakening.

No matter what our personal stick is, whether it is Alcoholism or love addiction or overeating or whatever, it is the vehicle which has forced us to start awakening. It is the blessed gift that has started our awakening to consciousness of our path.

The conditions on the planet have changed! As long as the planet's energy field of Collective Human Emotional Consciousness was reversed, the process of growing towards the Light attracted the dark.

That is not going to happen this time. The planet's energy field of consciousness is now positively aligned with Truth. Growing towards the Light now attracts more Light.

In this age, we can own who we Truly are without feeling as if we are going to be punished for it.

Of course we never really were being punished - it just felt like it.

What we have been doing here in human body for all of these lifetimes is receiving the opportunity to experience every facet of the human experience. We have all been creators and destroyers. We have all been the oppressor and the oppressed. We have all been the perpetrator and the victim.

No one has ever done anything to us that we have not done to her/him in some way, at some time.

It is time to stop blaming others. It is time to stop blaming ourselves. We chose the paths we are on in order to do the healing and Karmic settlement that was necessary. We need to own and honor and release the feelings at the same time that we need to stop buying into the false beliefs."

"Doing that grieving is overwhelming terrifying and painful. It is also the gateway to Spiritual Awakening. It leads to empowerment, freedom, and inner peace. Releasing that grief energy allows us to start being able to be emotionally honest in the moment in an age-appropriate way. It is, in my understanding, the path that the Old Souls who are doing their healing in this Age of Healing and Joy need to travel to get clearer about their path and accomplish their mission in this lifetime."

(Column "Further Journeys to the Emotional Frontier Within" by Robert Burney)

next: Stinking Thinking

A form for marking the time of cigarettes lighted, or other bad habits

The bold print numbers are for the hours, the others are for the minutes. Print and/or photocopy this supplement and cut a square for each day. On each occasion of lighting a cigarette, mark the approximate time.

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In Loving Memory Of Allyson's Sheila

How many times have we who suffer from MPD, depression, or any great emotional pain and stress thought we wanted to leave? For many of us, it's always an option lingering in the recesses of our mind that creeps up and builds when we are suffering the most.

In considering this possibility, we always try to find excuses to justify what we're considering doing. How many of us have said, "my family, my children, my friends would be so much better off without me? The pain I cause them in life is so great that they will be better off without me".

This is the story of Sheila and it's the story of Allyson. Sheila was a multiple who succumbed to the temptation to leave us and Allyson is the life-time partner that Sheila left behind. This story will unfold for you through the words of letters written by Allyson immediately following and during the difficult grieving period that continues still. After reading their story, it will be clear, no one was better off with Sheila gone.

(The quotes on these pages are taken from Letters written by Allyson.)

2/18/99

Dear Friends,
I cannot find the words to express what I have to say. Shelia committed suicide last Thursday. My loss is so great and the weight is so heavy that I do not see how I can manage to get through the next few weeks. I am completely lost and devastated.

2/20/99 I am on stress leave from the post office for as long as I need, which will be at least another week. I am most angry about her leaving me with this financial nightmare which I seem to be unwilling to wade through just yet. And, of course, I am hurt by her not being here. I miss holding her so much. I miss reading to the kids about God. I miss taking her to bed. I miss her laying her poor, exhausted head down on my lap on the couch as I stroked her hair and she slept. I miss going to movies and plays with her.

We had a memorial to her on Monday and it was great. It was here at the house and her friends were all here and reemembered her nicely. I miss encouraging her. I miss her incredible strength, which she was never able to take in. She was my friend, hero, lover, and someone I admired greatly. She gave me so much. I see her everywhere; in flowers, music, the mountains, the Sound.

A friend came by today and took me on a drive to Deception Pass, which overlooks Puget Sound and the San Juan Islands. It was beautiful. Reminded me so much of Sheila. I brought back a rock for her and found a penny. So I know that she was with me.

2/22/99 I hope that the DID's that read these posts realize just how painful it is for your SO (signficant other) to lose you, and how very much you matter to your SO, no matter what the trauma and problems are. Your SO wouldn't be there if they didn't care about you, and weren't willing to go thru this with you. Try to talk to your SO more about what is happening..we can't guess your pain, and we want to help in any way. So much I didn't know until she left me, and how very many secrets she took with her.

2/22/99 I still cry for Shelia and miss our future plans. She is never far from my thoughts. I wish you all could have met her. She was really quite incredible. No one can comprehend her suicide; of course, that is before I tell them the REAL story of her life. Imagine, A DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) fooling the whole world so well that they think she was a functional monomind who just kinda went crazy from stress one night.

I also have come to realize that I am mourning the loss of about 20 people, and have had to deal with each loss. I really miss reading to the kids and snarking with the teens, trying to get them to understand what the word "co-opeeration" might really mean! And your response post, Angel, made me really miss those moments that you can only have with a DID....the spaghetti....times others can't ever fathom.

Through all the work and pain, there is something rare, precious and beautiful about living, helping, working and loving those whose lives have been so altered by the pain of their abuse as innocent children. Shelia's kids would often come out at night and all they could say was, "but Allyson, we didn't do anything wrong..." over and over again. Or they'd want me to read to them in bed.

"Allyson, you gonna read to us about God tonight?" and holding and rocking them in the night as they fell asleep, and holding them in the morning when they would wake up and say in a wee small voice, "Allyson, we're scared."

And I would say, "of what, Shelia?"

She would respond, " oh, you know, of everything, of life..." and somehow she would then drag herself out of bed and slowly transform herself into a business person for the day.

It's hard for me to look in the closet at her business suits. Her neices came and I told them to try on her shoes and take anything that fit. Funny thing, some were size 8, some 9, and some 10. Hmmm, didn't you ever wonder why there were 9 pairs of shoes?

2/22/99 cont. I have met several DID's who have done the work and are on the other side, and life is now worth living for them. The things that served them in childhood, no longer served them as adults. Living with MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder) can be as painful or DEADLY as doing the hard work is. KNOW that your SO and friends are there for you. TALK TO THEM. NO MORE SECRETS. Secrets kill too. Suicide is painful to those around you. Maybe Shelia is with God and the angels, but right now I am in Hell. And that's not right either.

2/22/99 cont. She told me that her suicide was 52 years in the making and she was right. For me, I went inside and got in touch with myself and asked what would life be like without Shelia, and for me there was no question. I truly loved this woman, and like Jeff said, she was my hero and I told her that often. She was truly an admirable and courageous person that couldn't even see her own strength. She gave to all around her.

2/23/99 I know God loves me, but it's been real hard to see him through my tears. Love those around you. Do what you need to stay sane. Don't do this...please.

2/23/99 cont. I am often greatly comforted knowing that Shelia is with God and can no longer feel the pain. I just wonder if she also misses me, the tender moments, the ones that kept me in the relationship.

2/24/99 I am absolutely in awe of any DID who has done the work and made it to the other side, that is, integration. If this cost the strongest person I've ever met her life, I can't even imagine the pain and agony of this work and in her life. Somewhere amid the shadows of my heart, I hear a voice telling me "see how much it hurts? Do you feel the pain? Imagine what Shelia felt like while she was here."

Consider this too, Joe, when you think about your decision whether or not to leave. Everyone has something, don't they?

2/24/99 cont. I miss her more than I can say. I know that this pain will not go quickly, but will linger like the perfume in her hair, when she would bend over to gently kiss me before she left for work on my days off.

I know that the core person of Shelia did not want to go; and that she is very sorry for leaving me in this Hell. She did not want to die. She was looking forward to New York; the summer with me here; the basketball game that weekend, and the play the next Saturday. She loved our vacation in Thailand, as did the kids. She cooked me Thai dinners and fed me eggs benedict. No, she wanted to stay. That is the thing that sticks. SHE wanted to stay.

Her pain, though, some angry alter, or a wee one in darkness, came to carry off this act because she was too weak to stop it. She just slipped away, from my arms to God's arms. My pain is that now, God rocks her to sleep, not I.

2/25/99 We know and touch more people than we realize. We need to see that we make an impact on everyone we come into contact with. We mustn't forget that we are all One.

2/25/99 cont. I see that those who have survived trauma may be better able to handle it in the future, as our DID partners show us. Just as revealing to me is that our DID partners may need to know that we may not be as able to handle this kind of trauma.

2/26/99 I have thought about walking across the whole damn country with a big sign on my back saying something like, "I am a survivor of suicide. Don't make your loved ones walk this walk."

2/28/99 Today, I'm really really missing my loved one. She should be here spending her free time with me..."our Sundays". Never will I save a Sunday for anyone. Like a reserved parking place for the handicapped. Why must I continue to cry every day? Because if I don't, my heart will absolutely explode.

I can only do things for so long. My life is measured by so longs--can only read for so long, sit for so long, write for so long, eat for so long, think for so long, sleep for so long. But the biggest so long is for Shelia. So long, Shelia.

3/1/99 I hope I sleep tonight. I hope I never know of anyone else who has to go thru this. Hope is keeping me alive, just above the horizon. I hope the sun rises. I hope it sets. I do know that after this, I take NOTHING for granted.

3/4/99 Love, yes; we loved each other deeply, longly. Yet also, everpresent in my heart was a distinct feeling, more like an anchor---I am supposed to be here. Period. Always that thought was, and still is, there. I don't know if any of you have ever felt this, but some part of me always did. And when the MPD came along, that feeling was even more finely distilled, like sugar in morning coffee.

I am supposed to be here. I am your lover, I am also your rock. Your net. I will catch you. I will hold you. Rock you. Rock me. Loves me like a rock, oh mama. I was supposed to be here, for Shelia, until the day she died. But not like this, oh no. It was suppossd to be in the autumn of some faraway year, her all put back together again, like Humpty Dumpty. But now I remember, doesn't that end with: "All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again."

3/5/99 But my feet got sooo heavy; what happened to that lightfooted creature that I was created to be? It now lumbers along, trying to sort out its plodding ways. And the lighthouse that used to shine on your path just blew out; just went right out. Like breaking your leg and losing the crutch, and having to walk that damn edge, without the crutch.

3/5/99 cont. Shelia used to ask me in the first years of our relationship, "Do you still love me?" And I would answer, "Still". So I had a gold charm made that says "still" on one side, and "AJ" on the other, and she always wore it.......we would look at each other and one would say, "Still?".and the other would answer, Still.......Now I wear it, along with all her rings, one on each finger,and her gold bear around my neck.......and I call out to her in the night, the still night, to her ever still body and soul........."Still"............

3/6/99 I MISS HER SOOO BAD. That's all I have to say. And it's said with a wailful mourn, like a dirge. Sing me home, sweet mama...take it down. The road is long and lonely, and not one I had chosen. What is the purpose here? Who knows?

3/7/99 I'm swimming as fast as I can. Hope I don't drown.

3/8/99 Last week I got upset to see her reduced to a piece of paper, and this week she is eliminated even from paper. Well, she will just have to take up permanent residency in my heart. I have a lock of her beautiful auburn hair that I cut before she was cremated....

3/8/99 Last week, I got upset to see her reduced to a piece of paper, and this week she is eliminated even from paper. Well, she will just have to take up permanent residency in my heart. I have a lock of her beautiful auburn hair that I cut before she was cremated.

3/11/99 My landscape has been permanently altered. I see her now running wild in the blue wind, .....free as the spirit. She will forever haunt my memory and sail thru my mind. Life is a relentless chore right now. stupid things to do, painful things to feel, and sorrow everywhere. The shades of color of things has somehow changed....tinged with a dull mist, or hidden behind brocade fabric.....thick, heavy, watered down....when I go somewhere, anywhere, it is pointless, mindless wandering......I feel as tho now I am to wander the planet aimlessly for the rest of my life.

3/11/99 How can people possibly think that we would be better off without them. We are better off without no one, for each of us weaves a web, a fabric in time, that is connected to so many people and events, more than even we know.

People whom neither Shelia nor I ever knew are affected by this, and the closer one is to her, the more profound the effect. To remove yourself from the fabric you have woven is to rip out the heart that holds it all together, and leaves strands of memory dangling in its place. You may leave your earthly problems behind for a brighter day with God, but you leave behind a shattered line of travel, one which I am sure you must somehow make amends.

3/11/99NOTE TO SUICIDAL DID'S AND ALTERS AND ANYONE ELSE IN THE MOOD FOR DEATH; YOU MATTER. YOUR LOVED ONES WILL MISS YOU. THERE IS ANOTHER WAY. THIS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA.

Perhaps you think we don't understand your depression. You are right. We don't. I guarantee you this; if you kill yourself, we will--we will enter your depression. We will become your worst nightmare. Is this what you want?

The least you can do is spare the one person in your life who truly cares about you and helps you through the pain you are bearing. Help us to understand, particularly the depth of it. We don't want to know the gory details, only the depth of your pain and the ability you have, at this moment, to contain it.

Your depression and suicide are selfish when they're not shared. We want to see you make it to a world without lost time and hurtful memories. We're willing to walk this path with you, or we would be elsewhere.

It's okay for us to feel like we are here for you. We are all here for someone, and you are special enough to be that person. I really miss caring for Shelia, even with all of her trials and tribulations. She WAS my soulmate, and I CHOSE to walk with her.

I didn't feel burdened or obligated, but rather felt love, loved, and able to give light and love where there was little, especially self-love. If we could each light one candle, we'd light the world.

3/12/99 Yesterday was really hard....a month to the day that Shelia died. I cried alot, all day, and spent most of the evening on the phone in rescue mode. I do need rescuing. My my my. My Shelia is gone. She really is. It is all so unbelievable. I have read the posts about watching and wondering about our SO's (significant others) sleeping. Shelia slept best in my lap or in my arms, and definitely in her own bed. Never slept well in hotels or foreign beds. She was a hopeless insomniac. Guess what I am now?

If she would just come back for one night, I would hold her so tight until she fell asleep. She often fell asleep on my lap on the couch, while I read or watched TV, and often didn't want to move because sleep was such a luxury for her. Guess she doesn't have to worry about that now. I really miss touching her, stroking her hair...

3/13/99

so I work with the gold,and fine weaving it is...
and it feels really old, and never tarnishes
and I dance by the moon, while I wear the gold pin
and I know it'll be soon, that I finish this spin.

and I'll wake up tomorrow, and dream the same dream
a day full of sorrow, as all of them seem.
I'll remember the good days, and cherish them all
while I live in this blind haze in constant freefall.

If you'd like to send your thoughts to Allyson, feel free to email her.

next: Welcome to WeRMany...

How a person begins to get help in recovering from an eating disorder depends on:

1. what form the eating disorder takes
2. how entrenched it is
3. what kind of social supports are available
4. what financial resources are available
5. how accessible the person is to deep psychological learning
6. how much commitment there is
7. how willing and genuinely informed the person's intimates are
8. the quality of therapy available
9. the quality of programs available
10. what touches an individual's heart.

The main theme or guiding principle for recovery is, "Get well no matter what." That's the commitment and focus it takes to recover from an eating disorder. Usually a lot of exploring occurs in the process of finding the methods and people who are best for you. Your best choices will be based not based on control issues but on healing issues.

Sometimes you luck out right away and find a psychotherapist who can go the distance with you. Such a person has knowledge of eating disorders and unconscious processes. He or she is more than willing for their patients to participate in various ethical, responsible and respectable groups where the patient explores body, mind, spiritual and creative issues and opportunities while maintaining ongoing psychotherapy.

Sometimes such a person is just not available, and a program can offer these things better than anyone else in your healing environment. Sometimes a combination of program first and then one on one psychotherapy is best. Sometimes it's one on one, then a program and then back to one on one.

If the patient is really lucky, her family goes into therapy and works out many of their troublesome individual and group boundary issues as well. Eating disorder residential or out patient programs often offer family sessions. Sometimes these are conducted with the eating disorder person present. Sometimes not. Sometimes they are conducted with other eating disorder families. Sometimes not. Or a combination of all is offered in a structured setting.

The challenge is to find what is best for you. In Buddhism, they say there are 84,000 doors to enlightenment. I like this philosophy. There are many and varied ways of achieving recovery. Even the search for your best way is part of the healing process as long as you are not playing tricks with your mind and are sincerely open to healing.

The best way for you may not be the most comfortable way. Healing from an eating disorder is not comfortable. It's eye opening, mind opening, soul opening and body healing with joyous times, but it's definitely not comfortable.

In healing you begin where you are. You check out the reputation and credentials of people you associate with because people with eating disorders have difficulties with trust. They can trust too quickly when it's not a good idea, and they can withhold their trust when they are in a good place and in so doing lose a potentially helpful relationship. So credentials and ecommendations are important as you explore what is available for you.

Some Ways to Begin Early Recovery

Contact:

1. eating disorder specialists
2. hospitals
3. school counseling programs
4. 12-step organizations
5. residential treatment centers
6. churches, temples, synagogues
7. eating disorder web sites

Ask for people you can talk with who have experience in either treating eating disorders, achieving recovery from eating disorders or have received good feedback from referring people to helpful situations.

Learn about the different ways people have found real help and choose what seems like a tolerable beginning place for you.

Guides come in all kinds of forms. You might discover a simple, direct path when someone or several people highly recommend a particular psychotherapist. But information might take a different shape entirely. Someone might recommend a creative writing group that has a lot of people in recovery as participants. By visiting or joining that group you might get a creative boost in your life plus meet people who can give you solid recommendations for treatment.

Local hospitals may have programs (residential or out-patient) or know where programs exist. School counselors, priests, pastors, rabbis and monks may know what local resources have helped students and parishioners (and which have not).

Twelve step programs are always a grab bag of unpredictable surprises, but they are also consistent in that people who actively participate in their personal recovery show up and tell "how it was and how it is." Hearing these stories and meeting the people can be enormously helpful, even if it's just one meeting and just one story that opens your mind to a path for you.

Residential treatment centers often have a list of recommended psychotherapists in the local area. Such centers may offer you visits to their site and/or may invite you to talks, seminars, meetings with their staff and perhaps people who have "graduated" from their programs.

Eating disorder web sites often have a list of people you can contact for information. Many eating disorder psychotherapists, dieticians and medical doctors are part of a world-wide information-sharing network. It may be possible for this network to find you referrals to resources in your area that are worth exploring.

There are 84,000 ways to begin. I have learned that if you trust and commit to your own desire to get well, you will recognize the door that is right for you.

next: Eating Disorder Recovery: Getting Better and Losing Friends
~ all triumphant journey articles
~ eating disorders library
~ all articles on eating disorders

Her parents are health food nuts, says the 32-year-old North Carolina woman, who asks that her name not be used. "I can't remember a time when they weren't. It just got worse over the years ... much worse since they retired."

When she was a child, her parents first phased sugar from the family's diet. "Then they progressed into herbal remedies and supplements ... major pill popping ... then a vegan diet," she says. "They tried every extreme trend that came along in the '80s."

Growing up, she says, "I can remember always being hungry because there was no fat in the house. ... My middle sister ended up with anorexia. Another sister goes to Overeater's Anonymous."

When she read an article in Cosmopolitan magazine -- about an eating disorder called orthorexia -- her parents' pattern became crystal-clear. It was healthy eating gone out of control.

"The whole issue is obsession," says Steven Bratman, MD, who in 1997 coined the word orthorexia from the Greek ortho, meaning straight and correct. "This is about the obsession with eating to improve your health."

Bratman is author of Health Food Junkies: Orthorexia: Overcoming the Obsession with Healthful Eating, released in 2001. He went through his own bout with the disorder while living in a commune in the '70s. He then moved on to medical school at the University of California-Davis and practiced for 13 years as an alternative medicine physician in California. He is author of two other books -- Alternative Medicine Sourcebook and The Natural Pharmacist -- and is medical director of The Natural Pharmacist, an alternative medicine information web site.

The obsession doesn't necessarily lie just between the mouth and the other end. An out-of-control healthy eater feels a sense of spirituality, he says. "You're doing a good, virtuous thing. You also feel that because it's difficult to do, it must be virtuous. The more extreme you are, the more virtuous you feel," Bratman says.

In his practice, claims Bratman, he has seen many patients with this condition. "I saw two or three people a day who would ask how they could be stricter in their eating."

Very often, Bratman says, the food preoccupation stems from a problem like asthma. "Among those who believe in natural medicine, the progressive view is to avoid medicine, which supposedly has side effects, and instead focus on what you eat. But everyone misses the fact that if you get obsessed with what you eat, it actually has a lot of side effects -- mainly, the obsession itself."

One patient's story was all too typical: Even though the patient's asthma medication had very minor side effects, "she thought it was evil to use the drug, that she should treat the asthma naturally," he tells WebMD.

"She began working on food allergies and discovered that if she eliminated milk, wheat, and other foods, she didn't have as much asthma -- which was a good thing," Bratman says. "Except that after a while, she was eating only five or six foods."

In the process, he says, she'd sent her life into a downward spiral. "When I looked at her, I saw a person who was no longer on medication. And true, she had no side effects from the medication." However, she was socially isolated, spent a large chunk of time thinking about food, and felt extremely guilty when giving in to temptation.

"Are those not side effects?" Bratman asks. "I would call them horrific side effects. By avoiding food allergies, she increased her side effects enormously."

Various articles written on orthorexia have brought him calls from all over the country. "That demonstrated to me that this was much bigger than I thought. Orthorexia support groups were starting to develop. People were writing and saying I had changed their lives by pointing out that they were obsessed and they didn't even know it," he says.

So what constitutes orthorexia?

• Are you spending more than three hours a day thinking about healthy food?
• Are you planning tomorrow's menu today?
• Is the virtue you feel about what you eat more important than the pleasure you receive from eating it?
• Has the quality of your life decreased as the quality of your diet increased?
• Have you become stricter with yourself?
• Does your self-esteem get a boost from eating healthy?
• Do you look down on others who don't eat this way? Do you skip foods you once enjoyed in order to eat the "right" foods?
• Does your diet make it difficult for you to eat anywhere but at home, distancing you from friends and family.
• Do you feel guilt or self-loathing when you stray from your diet?
• When you eat the way you're supposed to, do you feel in total control?

If you answered yes to two or three of these questions, you may have a mild case of orthorexia. Four or more means that you need to relax more when it comes to food. If all these items apply to you, you have become obsessed with food. So where do you go from there?

Treatment involves "loosening the grip," says Bratman. "I begin by agreeing that the diet is important, but also saying, 'Isn't it also important in life to have some spontaneity, some enjoyment?'"

For most people, he says, making the change is a big step. "It doesn't happen in just one session. Once people recognize it, it's still very hard to change. It's been so long since they've eaten spontaneously. They don't know where to start. It's very tricky."

Bratman notes that sometimes orthorexia overlaps with a psychological problem like obsessive-compulsive disorder. Still, he thinks orthorexia "is its own illness as well."

He has not conducted human studies on the disorder, Bratman says, "because I'm personally more interested in affecting social change than creating a new diagnosis that you bill insurance companies for." He says he imagines his book will create controversy -- especially among diet gurus. "I'm just trying to bring people to the middle," he says.

Skeptical of Bratman's theory is Kelly Brownell, PhD, co-director of the Yale Center for Eating and Weight Disorders. "We've never had anybody come to our clinic with [orthorexia], and I've been working in this field for at least 20 years," says Brownell.

Without research to back his theory, Bratman is simply another guy trying to make a buck off the health-conscious public, Brownell says. "They invent some new term, a new diet, a solution to a problem that doesn't even exist. The burden should fall to the authors to prove that what they're saying is correct before they start unleashing advice on the public. These authors should be held accountable."

Well-known columnist Dean Ornish, MD, founder and president of the nonprofit Preventive Medicine Research Institute in Sausalito, Calif., also has doubts. "I've never seen [orthorexia] in my clinic. Most people have the opposite problem; they don't care enough about what they eat."

Still, Sharlene Hesse-Biber, PhD, has another thought about orthorexia. "It's part of this fear in our society ... this obsession that our bodies need to look a certain way," says Hesse-Biber, a sociology professor at Boston College and author of the book, Am I Thin Enough Yet? "This obsession is spreading in both directions, down the life cycle to younger and younger generations and to older generations of women and men. ... It's not a healthy way to live."

Finally, Julie B. Clark-Sly, PhD, a psychologist at the Foundation for Change, a small medical facility in Orem, Utah, sees a common thread in orthorexia and other disorders. "It's being fixated on the food and having a limited range of what they eat -- that's very similar to what anorexic women do," says Clark-Sly. "They do eat, but they don't eat fat, and they really restrict themselves calorie-wise. They say what they're doing is healthy, but they fool themselves. It becomes an emotional disorder."

next: Eating Disorders: Overeating Self-Talk
~ eating disorders library
~ all articles on eating disorders

Physical, psychological and behavioral symptoms experienced by adults sexually abused as children and the impact child sexual abuse has on its adult victims.

Physical Symptoms of Childhood Sexual Abuse

• Chronic pelvic pain
• Gastrointestinal symptoms/distress
• Musculoskeletal complaints
• Obesity, eating disorders
• Insomnia, sleep disorders
• Pseudocyesis
• Sexual dysfunction
• Asthma, respiratory ailments
• Addictions (alcohol addiction/ drug addiction)
• Chronic headache
• Chronic back pain

Psychological and Behavioral Symptoms of Childhood Sexual Abuse

• Depression and anxiety
• Posttraumatic stress disorder symptoms
• Dissociative states
• Repeated self-injury
• Suicide attempts
• Lying, stealing, truancy, running away
• Poor contraceptive practices
• Compulsive sexual behaviors
• Sexual dysfunction
• Somatizing disorders
• Eating disorders
• Poor adherence to medical recommendations
• Intolerance of or constant search for intimacy
• Expectation of early death

After-Effects of Child Sexual Abuse in Adults

Although there is no single syndrome that is universally present in adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse, there is an extensive body of research that documents adverse short- and long-term effects of such abuse. To appropriately treat and manage survivors of CSA, it is useful to understand that survivors' symptoms or behavioral symptoms resulting from childhood sexual abuse often represent coping strategies employed in response to abnormal, traumatic events. These coping mechanisms are used for protection during the abuse or later to guard against feelings of overwhelming helplessness and terror. Although some of these coping strategies may eventually lead to health problems, if symptoms are evaluated outside their original context, survivors may be misdiagnosed or mislabeled.

In addition to the psychological distress that may increase the effect of survivors' symptoms, there is evidence that abuse may result in biophysical changes. For example, one study found that, after controlling for history of psychiatric disturbance, adult survivors had lowered thresholds for pain. It also has been suggested that chronic or traumatic stimulation (especially in the pelvic or abdominal region) heightens sensitivity, resulting in persistent pain such as abdominal and pelvic pain or other bowel symptoms.

Although responses to sexual abuse vary, there is remarkable consistency in mental health symptoms, especially depression and anxiety. These mental health symptoms may be found alone or more often in tandem with physical and behavioral symptoms. More extreme symptoms are associated with abuse onset at an early age, extended or frequent abuse, incest by a parent, or use of force. Responses may be mitigated by such factors as inherent resiliency or supportive responses from individuals who are important to the victim.

Even without therapeutic intervention, some survivors maintain the outward appearance of being unaffected by their abuse. Most, however, experience pervasive and deleterious consequences.

The primary after-effects of childhood sexual abuse have been divided into seven distinct, but overlapping categories:

1. Emotional reactions
2. Symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
3. Self-perceptions
4. Physical and biomedical effects
5. Sexual effects
6. Interpersonal effects
7. Social functioning

Responses can vary greatly within the seven categories. Also, survivors may fluctuate between being highly symptomatic and relatively symptom-free. This variability is completely normal.

Sources:

• Administration for Children and Families
• National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse and Neglect Information
• National Institutes of Health-National Library of Medicine
• U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect

next:  Adults Sexually Abused as Children (Adult Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse)
~ all abuse library articles

Overview of childhood sexual abuse and the impact it has on adult survivors.

The impact of being sexually abused as a child

Both women and men may experience a wide array of symptoms that may be associated with a history of childhood sexual abuse. Frequently, the underlying cause of these symptoms is not recognized by the physician and, in many cases, by the patient.

For some survivors of childhood sexual abuse (CSA), there is a minimal compromise to their adult functioning. Others will have a myriad of psychological, physical, and behavioral symptoms as a result of their abuse.

Adult CSA survivors have a disproportionately high use of health care services, more severe symptoms with more complex patterns of presentation, and often somatic symptoms (somatic symptoms represent psychological distress that manifests itself as bodily ailments) that do not respond to routine treatment. These issues can create frustration for women and men and treatment challenges for their physicians.

Definitions of childhood sexual abuse

Childhood sexual abuse can be defined as any exposure to sexual acts imposed on children who inherently lack the emotional, maturational, and cognitive development to understand or to consent to such acts. These acts do not always involve sexual intercourse or physical force; rather, they involve manipulation and trickery. Authority and power enable the perpetrator to coerce the child into compliance. Characteristics and motivations of perpetrators of childhood sexual abuse vary: some may act out sexually to exert dominance over another individual; others may initiate the abuse for their own sexual gratification.

Although specific legal definitions may vary among states, there is widespread agreement that abusive sexual contact can include breast and genital fondling, oral and anal sex, and vaginal intercourse. Definitions have been expanded to include noncontact events such as coercion to watch sexual acts or posing in child pornography.

Prevalence of childhood sexual abuse

The prevalence of childhood sexual abuse in the United States is unknown. Because of the shame and stigma associated with abuse, many victims never disclose such experiences. Incest was once thought to be so rare that its occurrence was inconsequential. However, in the past 25 years, there has been increased recognition that incest and other forms of childhood sexual abuse occur with alarming frequency. Researchers have found that victims come from all cultural, racial, and economic groups.

Current estimates of incest and other childhood sexual abuse range from 12% to 40% depending on settings and population. Most studies have found that among women, approximately 20% - or 1 in 5 - have experienced childhood sexual abuse. Consistent with this range, studies have revealed that:

• Among girls who had sex before they were 13 years old, 22% reported that first sex was nonvoluntary.
• Twelve percent of girls in grades 9 through 12 reported they had been sexually abused; 7% of girls in grades 5 through 8 also reported sexual abuse. Of all the girls who experienced sexual abuse, 65% reported the abuse occurred more than once, 57% reported the abuser was a family member, and 53% reported the abuse occurred at home.
• Approximately 40% of the women surveyed in a primary care setting had experienced some form of childhood sexual contact; of those, 1 in 6 had been raped as a child.
• A national telephone survey on violence against women conducted by the National Institute of Justice and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that 18% of 8,000 women surveyed had experienced a completed or attempted rape at some time in their lives. Of this number, 22% were younger than 12 years and 32% were between 12 and 17 years old when they were first raped.

Sources:

• Administration for Children and Families
• National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse and Neglect Information
• National Institutes of Health National Library of Medicine
• U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect

next: Myths Surrounding Domestic Violence
~ all abuse library articles

Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves

ABOUT THIS SERIES OF ARTICLES

This is the first of a series of articles on the general topic of childhood sexual abuse.

Our focus will be on adults who were sexually abused as children and who did not receive adequate parental or professional care afterwards.

This first article aims only to introduce the topic through some general statements. If you have a personal or professional need to learn more you will definitely want to read later articles.

AN APOLOGY TO MALE SURVIVORS

I will be using female pronouns throughout this series. I will, however, make my statements and examples generic enough that you can easily understand what I am saying by simply changing pronouns.

WHAT IS SEXUAL ABUSE?

Sexual abuse is "unwanted sexual contact."

The age of the person involved must be taken into account when we define the word "unwanted."

For children, all sexual contact except "exploration among equals" is unwanted and abusive.

(Even inappropriate "leering" by an adult - without touch - is sexually abusive to the child.)

THE CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCE

A child who has to deal with sex is overwhelmed by it. Children do not have the bodies or the minds to cope with intense sexual energy.

Making a child deal with sex is like demanding that they "learn calculus or die!"

Since handling it is simply impossible for them, they often just "wait to die."

ABOUT "SPLITTING"

The feeling of being overwhelmed as a child usually leads to "splitting." It's as if the child breaks into two pieces mentally.

Half of them has one "life" and the other half has another "life." What they are robbed of is a whole life.

THE TWO MOST COMMON "SPLITS" OF CHILDHOOD

The "Day Child" / "Night Child" Split: This child either knows what happens during the day
or what happens at night, but NEVER BOTH.

The safer day disappears when the sun goes down; the terrifying night finally disappears when the alarm clock goes off.

The "Mind / Body" Split: This child either knows what she thinks or what she feels, but never both.

She usually focuses on what she thinks because her feelings are just too strong for a child to handle.

Each time the feelings break through she feels abused all over again - just by the intensity of the accumulated and unexpressed terror, anger, and sadness.

THE ADULT EXPERIENCE

If the childhood abuse was overwhelming and the child had to "split" to survive, the only way the adult will ever know about her childhood abuse is through flashbacks.

What is a flashback?: A flashback is a momentary, split-second recollection of the abuse.

Sometimes this split second awareness is visual: SEEING something mentally that seems like a dream but feels SO real.

At other times it is auditory: HEARING something that was originally heard during the abuse.

Often it is kinesthetic: FEELING something that was originally felt during the abuse.

A flashback is "triggered" by ordinary events in adult life. The most common trigger comes when an adult is having sex and her partner moves in a way which reminds her of the abuser's movements.

But these triggers are very unique to each person, and they can be either one-of-a-kind events (like a scene from a movie) or very frequent occurrences (like walking past a certain kind of tree).

"Triggers" cannot be avoided. They are too commonplace. We can ignore the SIGNIFICANCE of the trigger for a while (by saying they "mean nothing"), but they will continue to haunt us until we face the memories that prompted them.

The terrorized child will not be ignored for long. Once she notices she has grown into a powerful enough person to begin to protect herself, that little girl will keep telling the grownup over and over about her memories - until she finally gets the safety and protection she has needed for so long!

THERAPY FOR SEXUAL ABUSE

There are many more people who need good therapists to help them overcome the ravages of childhood abuse than there are therapists capable of providing the service.

In these articles, I hope to give you at least some of the tools you will need to deal with sexual abuse while our society and mental health professionals try to catch up.

If you know you were sexually abused, GET PROFESSIONAL HELP!

On something this complicated, there is only so much you can even hope to do on your own.

Even when you are receiving excellent help from a therapist, there will be a lot for you to do on your own.

Enjoy Your Changes!

Everything here is designed to help you do just that!

next: Shame: What You Can Do About It