The Inverted Narcissist

Sam Vaknin

The Clinical Picture and Developmental Roots - Opening Remarks

Terminology

Codependents

People who depend on other people for their emotional gratification and the performance of Ego or daily functions. They are needy, demanding, and submissive. They fear abandonment, cling and display immature behaviours in their effort to maintain the "relationship" with their companion or mate upon whom they depend. No matter what abuse is inflicted upon them - they remain in the relationship. By eagerly becoming victims, codependents seek to control their abusers.

Inverted Narcissist

Also called "covert narcissist", this is a co-dependent who depends exclusively on narcissists (narcissist-co-dependent). If you are living with a narcissist, have a relationship with one, if you are married to one, if you are working with a narcissist, etc. - it does NOT mean that you are an inverted narcissist.

To "qualify" as an inverted narcissist, you must CRAVE to be in a relationship with a narcissist, regardless of any abuse inflicted on you by him/her. You must ACTIVELY seek relationships with narcissists and ONLY with narcissists, no matter what your (bitter and traumatic) past experience has been. You must feel EMPTY and UNHAPPY in relationships with ANY OTHER kind of person. Only then, and if you satisfy the other diagnostic criteria of a Dependent Personality Disorder, can you be safely labelled an "inverted narcissist".

Counterdependents

Most "classical" (overt) narcissists are counterdependent. Their emotions and needs are buried under "scar tissue" which had formed, coalesced, and hardened during years of one form of abuse or another. Grandiosity, a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and overweening haughtiness usually hide gnawing insecurity and a fluctuating sense of self-worth.

Counterdependents are contumacious (reject and despise authority), fiercely independent, controlling, self-centered, and aggressive. They fear intimacy and are locked into cycles of hesitant approach followed by avoidance of commitment. They are "lone wolves" and bad team players.

Counterdependence is a reaction formation. The counterdependent dreads his own weaknesses. He seeks to overcome them by projecting an image of omnipotence, omniscience, success, self-sufficiency, and superiority.

Introduction

Codependence is an important and integral part of narcissism. Narcissists are either counterdependent or codependent (Inverted).

The DSM-IV-TR uses 9 criteria to define the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It is sufficient to show signs of 5 of them to be diagnosed as a narcissist. Thus, theoretically, it is possible to have NPD without being grandiose.

Many researchers (Alexander Lowen, Jeffrey Satinover, Theodore Millon and others) suggested a "taxonomy" of pathological narcissism. They divided narcissists to sub-groups (very much as I did with my somatic versus cerebral narcissist dichotomy).

Lowen, for instance, talks about the "phallic" narcissist versus others. Satinover and Millon make a very important distinction between narcissists who were raised by "classically" abusive parents - and those who were raised by doting and smothering or domineering mothers.

Glenn O. Gabbard in "Psychodynamic Psychiatry in Clinical Practice" [The DSM-IV-TR Edition. Comments on Cluster B Personality Disorders - Narcissistic. American Psychiatric Press, Inc., 2000] we find this:

"...what definitive criteria can be used to differentiate healthy from pathological narcissism? The time honoured criteria of psychological health - to love and to work - are only partly useful in answering this question."

"An individual's work history may provide little help in making the distinction. Highly disturbed narcissistic individuals may find extraordinary success in certain professions, such as big business, the arts, politics, the entertainment industry, athletics and televangelism field. In some cases, however, narcissistic pathology may be reflected in a superficial quality to one's professional interests, as though achievement in and acclaim are more important than mastery of the field itself.

Pathological forms of narcissism are more easily identified by the quality of the individual's relationships.

One tragedy affecting these people is their inability to love. Healthy interpersonal relationships can be recognised by qualities such as empathy and concern for the feelings of others, a genuine interest in the ideas of others, the ability to tolerate ambivalence in long-term relationships without giving up, and a capacity to acknowledge one's own contribution to interpersonal conflicts. People who are characterised by these qualities may at times use others to gratify their own needs, but the tendency occurs in the broader context of sensitive interpersonal relatedness rather than as a pervasive style of dealing with other people. One the other hand, the person with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder approaches people as objects to be used up and discarded according to his or her needs, without regard for their feelings.

People are not viewed as having a separate existence or as having needs of their own. The individual with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder frequently ends a relationship after a short time, usually when the other person begins to make demands stemming from for his or her own needs. Most importantly, such relationships clearly do not 'work' in terms of the narcissist's ability to maintain his or her own sense of self-esteem."

"...These criteria [the DSM-IV-TR's] identify a certain kind of narcissistic patient - specifically, the arrogant, boastful, 'noisy' individual who demands to be in the spotlight. However, they fail to characterise the shy, quietly grandiose, narcissistic individual whose extreme sensitivity to slights leads to an assiduous avoidance of the spotlight."

The DSM-III-R alluded to at least two types of narcissists, but the DSM-IV-TR committee chose to delete this:

"...included criterion, 'reacts to criticism with feelings of rage, shame, or humiliation (even not if expressed)' due to lack of 'specificity'."

Other theoreticians, clinicians and researchers similarly suggested a division between "the oblivious narcissist" (a.k.a. overt) and "the hypervigilant narcissist" (a.k.a. covert

The Compensatory versus the Classic Narcissist

Another interesting distinction, suggested by Dave Kelly in his excellent PTYPES Web site (http://www.ptypes.com) is between the Compensatory Type NPD and the Classic NPD (described in the DSM-IV-TR).

Here are the Compensatory NPD criteria according to Dave Kelly:

"Personality Types proposes Compensatory Narcissistic Personality Disorder as a pervasive pattern of unstable, covert narcissistic behaviours that derive from an underlying sense of insecurity and weakness rather than from genuine feelings of self-confidence and high self-esteem, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by six (or more) of the criteria below.

The basic trait of the Compensatory Narcissistic Personality Type is a pattern of overtly narcissistic behaviours (that) derive from an underlying sense of insecurity and weakness, rather than from genuine feelings of self-confidence and high self-esteem."

The Compensatory Narcissistic Personality Type:

Seeks to create an illusion of superiority and to build up an image of high self-worth [Millon];
Strives for recognition and prestige to compensate for the lack of a feeling of self-worth;
May "acquire a deprecatory attitude in which the achievements of others are ridiculed and degraded" [Millon];
Has persistent aspirations for glory and status [Millon];
Has a tendency to exaggerate and boast [Millon];
Is sensitive to how others react to him, watches and listens carefully for critical judgement, and feels slighted by disapproval [Millon];
"Is prone to feel shamed and humiliated and especially (anxious) and vulnerable to the judgements of others" [Millon];
Covers up a sense of inadequacy and deficiency with pseudo-arrogance and pseudo-grandiosity [Millon];
Has a tendency to periodic hypochondria [Forman];
Alternates between feelings of emptiness and deadness and states of excitement and excess energy [Forman];
Entertains fantasies of greatness, constantly striving for perfection, genius, or stardom [Forman];
Has a history of searching for an idealised partner and has an intense need for affirmation and confirmation in relationships [Forman];
Frequently entertains a wishful, exaggerated and unrealistic concept of himself, which he can't possibly measure up to [Reich];
Produces (too quickly) work not up to the level of his abilities because of an overwhelmingly strong need for the immediate gratification of success [Reich];
Is touchy, quick to take offence at the slightest provocation, continually anticipating attack and danger, reacting with anger and fantasies of revenge when he feels himself frustrated in his need for constant admiration [Reich];
Is self-conscious, due to a dependence on approval from others [Reich];
Suffers regularly from repetitive oscillations of self-esteem [Reich];
Seeks to undo feelings of inadequacy by forcing everyone's attention and admiration upon himself [Reich];
May react with self-contempt and depression to the lack of fulfilment of his grandiose expectations [Riso].

Sources:

Forman, Max. Narcissistic Disorders and the Oedipal Fixations. In Feldstein, J.J. (Ed.), The Annual of Psychoanalysis. Volume IV. New York: International Universities [1976] pp. 65-92.

Millon, Theodore, and Roger D. Davis. Disorders of Personality: DSM-IV and Beyond. 2nd Ed. New York: Wiley, [1996] pp. 411-12.

Reich, Annie, [1986]. Pathological Forms of Self-Esteem Regulation. In Morrison, A. P., (Ed.), Essential Papers on Narcissism. pp. 44-60. Reprint from 1960. Psychoanalytic Study of the Child. Volume 15, pp. 205-32.

Riso, Don Richard. Personality Types: Using the Enneagram for Self-Discovery. Boston: Houghton Mifflin [1987] pp. 102-3.

Speculative Diagnostic Criteria for Compensatory Narcissistic Personality Disorder

A pervasive pattern of self-inflation, pseudo-confidence, exhibitionism, and strivings for prestige, that compensates for feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem, as indicated by the following:

Pseudo-confidence compensating for an underlying condition of insecurity and feelings of helplessness;
Pretentiousness, self-inflation;
Exhibitionism in the pursuit of attention, recognition, and glory;
Strivings for prestige to enhance self-esteem;
Deceitfulness and manipulativeness in the service of maintaining feelings of superiority;
Idealisation in relationships;
Fragmentation of the self: feelings of emptiness and deadness;
A proud, hubristic disposition;
Hypochondriasis;
Substance abuse;
Self-destructiveness.

Compensatory Narcissistic Personality Disorder corresponds to Ernest Jones' narcissistic "God Complex", Annie Reich's "Compensatory Narcissism", Heinz Kohut's "Narcissistic Personality Disorder", and Theodore Millon's "Compensatory Narcissist".

Millon, Theodore, and Roger D. Davis. Disorders of Personality: DSM-IV and Beyond. 2nd ed. New York: Wiley, 1996. 411-12.

Compare this to the classic type:

Narcissistic Personality Type

The basic trait of the Narcissistic Personality Type is a pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy.

The Narcissistic Personality Type:

Reacts to criticism with feelings of rage, shame, or humiliation;
Is interpersonally exploitive: takes advantage of others to achieve his own ends;
Has a grandiose sense of self-importance;
Believes that his problems are unique and can be understood only by other special people;
Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love;
Has a sense of entitlement: an unreasonable expectation of especially favourable treatment;
Requires much attention and admiration of others;
Lacks empathy: fails to recognise and experience how others feel;
Is preoccupied with feelings of envy.

This is mainly the DSM-III-R view. Pay attention to the not so subtle changes in the DSM-IV-TR - click here to view them and here for more about pathological narcissism

The Inverted Narcissist

It is clear that there is, indeed, an hitherto neglected type of narcissist. It is the "self-effacing" or "introverted" narcissist. We call it the Inverted Narcissist (hereinafter: IN). Others call it "narcissist-codependent" or "N-magnet" (which erroneously implies passivity and victimhood). Alan Rappaport suggested the name (and diagnosis) "co-narcissist".

This is a narcissist who, in many respects, is the mirror image of the "classical" narcissist. The psychodynamics of the Inverted Narcissist are not clear, nor are its developmental roots. Perhaps it is the product of an overweening Primary Object or caregiver. Perhaps excessive abuse leads to the repression of even the narcissistic and other defence mechanisms. Perhaps the parents suppress every manifestation of grandiosity (very common in early childhood) and of narcissism - so that the narcissistic defence mechanism is "inverted" and internalised in this unusual form.

These narcissists are self-effacing, sensitive, emotionally fragile, sometimes socially phobic. They derive all their self-esteem and sense of self-worth from the outside (others), are pathologically envious (a transformation of aggression), are likely to intermittently engage in aggressive/violent behaviours, are more emotionally labile than the classic narcissist, etc.

There are, therefore, three "basic" types of narcissists:

The offspring of neglecting parents - They default to narcissism as the predominant object relation (with themselves as the exclusive love object).
The offspring of doting or domineering parents (often narcissists themselves) - They internalise their parents' voices in the form of a sadistic, ideal, immature Superego and spend their lives trying to be perfect, omnipotent, omniscient and to be judged "a success" by these parent-images and their later representations and substitutes (authority figures).
The offspring of abusive parents - They internalise the abusing, demeaning and contemptuous voices and spend their lives in an effort to elicit "counter-voices" from other people and thus to regulate their labile self-esteem and sense of self-worth.

All three types experience recurrent and Sisyphean failures. Shielded by their defence mechanisms, they constantly gauge reality wrongly, their actions and reactions become more and more rigid and the damage inflicted by them on themselves and on others is ever greater.

The narcissistic parent seems to employ a myriad primitive defences in his dealings with his children:

Splitting - Idealising the child and devaluing him in cycles, which reflect the internal dynamics of the parent rather than anything the child does.

Projective Identification - Forcing the child to behave in a way which vindicates the parent's fears regarding himself or herself, his or her self-image and his or her self-worth. This is a particularly powerful and pernicious mechanism. If the narcissist parent fears his own deficiencies ("defects"), vulnerability, perceived weaknesses, susceptibility, gullibility, or emotions - he is likely to force the child to "feel" these rejected and (to him) repulsive emotions, to behave in ways strongly abhorred by the parent, to exhibit character traits the parent strongly rejects in himself.

Projection - The child, in a way, becomes the "trash bin" of the parents' inhibitions, fears, self-loathing, self-contempt, perceived lack of self-worth, sense of inadequacy, rejected traits, repressed emotions, failures and emotional reticence.

Coupled with the parent's treatment of the child as the parent's extension, these psychological defenses totally inhibit the psychological growth and emotional maturation of the child. The child becomes a reflection of the parent, a conduit through which the parent experiences and realises himself for better (hopes, aspirations, ambition, life goals) and for worse (weaknesses, "undesirable" emotions, "negative" traits).

Relationships between such parents and their progeny easily deteriorate to sexual or other modes of abuse because there are no functioning boundaries between them.

It seems that the child's reaction to a narcissistic parent can be either accommodation and assimilation or rejection.

Accommodation and Assimilation

The child accommodates, idealises and internalises (introjects) the narcissistic and abusive Primary Object successfully. This means that the child's "internal voice" is also narcissistic and abusive. The child tries to comply with its directives and with its explicit and perceived wishes.

The child becomes a masterful provider of Narcissistic Supply, a perfect match to the parent's personality, an ideal source, an accommodating, understanding and caring caterer to all the needs, whims, mood swings and cycles of the narcissist. The child learns to endure devaluation and idealisation with equanimity and adapt to the narcissist's world view. The child, in short, becomes the ultimate extension. This is what we call an "inverted narcissist".

We must not neglect the abusive aspect of such a relationship. The narcissistic parent always alternates between idealisation and devaluation of his offspring. The child is likely to internalise the devaluing, abusive, critical, demeaning, berating, diminishing, minimising, upbraiding, chastising voices.

The parent (or caregiver) goes on to survive inside the child-turned-adult (as part of a sadistic and ideal Superego and an unrealistic Ego Ideal). These voices are so powerful that they inhibit even the development of reactive narcissism, the child's typical defence mechanism.

The child-turned-adult keeps looking for narcissists in order to feel whole, alive and wanted. He craves to be treated by a narcissist narcissistically. What others call abuse is, to him or her, familiar territory and constitutes Narcissistic Supply. To the Inverted Narcissist, the classic narcissist is a Source of Supply (primary or secondary) and his narcissistic behaviours constitute Narcissistic Supply. The IN feels dissatisfied, empty and unwanted when not "loved" by a narcissist.

The roles of Primary Source of Narcissistic Supply (PSNS) and Secondary Source of Narcissistic Supply (SSNS) are reversed. To the inverted narcissist, her narcissistic spouse is a Source of PRIMARY Narcissistic Supply.

The child can also reject the narcissistic parent rather than accommodate her or him.

Rejection

The child may react to the narcissism of the Primary Object with a peculiar type of rejection. He develops his own narcissistic personality, replete with grandiosity and lack of empathy - but his personality is antithetical to that of the narcissistic parent.

If the parent were a somatic narcissist, the child is likely to grow up to be a cerebral one. If his father prided himself being virtuous, the son turns out sinful. If his narcissistic mother bragged about her frugality, he is bound to profligately flaunt his wealth.

An Attempted DSM Style List of Criteria

It is possible to compose a DSM-IV-TR-like set of criteria for the Inverted Narcissist, using the classic narcissists' as a template. The two are, in many ways, two sides of the same coin, or "the mould and the moulded" - hence the neologisms "mirror narcissist" or "inverted narcissist".

The narcissist tries to merge with an idealised but badly internalised object. He does so by "digesting" the meaningful others in his life and transforming them into extensions of his self. He uses various techniques to achieve this. To the "digested", this is the crux of the harrowing experience called "life with a narcissist".

The "inverted narcissist" (IN), on the other hand, does not attempt, except in fantasy or in dangerous, masochistic sexual practice, to merge with an idealised external object. This is because he so successfully internalised the narcissistic Primary Object to the exclusion of all else. The IN feels ill at ease in his relationships with non-narcissists because it is unconsciously perceived by him to constitute "betrayal", "cheating", an abrogation of the exclusivity clause he has with the narcissistic Primary Object.

This is the big difference between narcissists and their inverted version.

Classic narcissists of all stripes reject the Primary Object in particular (and object relations in general) in favour of a handy substitute: themselves.

Inverted Narcissists accept the (narcissist) Primary Object and internalise it - to the exclusion of all others (unless they are perceived to be faithful renditions, replicas of the narcissistic Primary Object).

Criterion ONE

Possesses a rigid sense of lack of self-worth.

The classic narcissist has a badly regulated sense of self-worth. However this is not conscious. He goes through cycles of self-devaluation (and experiences them as dysphorias).

The IN's sense of self-worth does not fluctuate. It is rather stable - but it is very low. Whereas the narcissist devalues others - the IN devalues himself as an offering, a sacrifice to the narcissist. The IN pre-empts the narcissist by devaluing himself, by actively berating his own achievements, or talents. The IN is exceedingly distressed when singled out because of actual accomplishments or a demonstration of superior skills.

The inverted narcissist is compelled to filter all of her narcissistic needs through the primary narcissist in her life. Independence or personal autonomy are not permitted. The IN feels amplified by the narcissist's running commentary (because nothing can be accomplished by the invert without the approval of a primary narcissist in their lives).

Criterion TWO

Pre-occupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance and beauty or of an ideal of love.

This is the same as the DSM-IV-TR criterion for Narcissistic Personality Disorder but, with the IN, it manifests absolutely differently, i.e. the cognitive dissonance is sharper here because the IN is so absolutely and completely convinced of their worthlessness that these fantasies of grandeur are extremely painful "dissonances".

With the narcissist, the dissonance exists on two levels:

Between the unconscious feeling of lack of stable self-worth and the grandiose fantasies

AND between the grandiose fantasies and reality (the Grandiosity Gap).

In comparison, the Inverted Narcissist can only vacillate between lack of self-worth and reality. No grandiosity is permitted, except in dangerous, forbidden fantasy. This shows that the Invert is psychologically incapable of fully realising her inherent potentials without a primary narcissist to filter the praise, adulation or accomplishments through. She must have someone to whom praise can be redirected. The dissonance between the IN's certainty of self-worthlessness and genuine praise that cannot be deflected is likely to emotionally derail the Inverted Narcissist every time.

Criterion THREE

Believes that she is absolutely un-unique and un-special (i.e., worthless and not worthy of merger with the fantasised ideal) and that no one at all could understand her because she is innately unworthy of being understood. The IN becomes very agitated the more one tries to understand her because that also offends against her righteous sense of being properly excluded from the human race.

A sense of worthlessness is typical of many other PDs (as well as the feeling that no one could ever understand them). The narcissist himself endures prolonged periods of self-devaluation, self-deprecation and self-effacement. This is part of the Narcissistic Cycle. In this sense, the inverted narcissist is a partial narcissist. She is permanently fixated in a part of the narcissistic cycle, never to experience its complementary half: the narcissistic grandiosity and sense of entitlement.

The "righteous sense of being properly excluded" comes from the sadistic Superego in concert with the "overbearing, externally reinforced, conscience

Criterion FOUR

Demands anonymity (in the sense of seeking to remain excluded at all costs) and is intensely irritated and uncomfortable with any attention being paid to her - similar to the Schizoid PD.

Criterion FIVE

Feels that she is undeserving and not entitled.

Feels that she is inferior to others, lacking, insubstantial, unworthy, unlikable, unappealing, unlovable, someone to scorn and dismiss, or to ignore.

Criterion SIX

Is extinguishingly selfless, sacrificial, even unctuous in her interpersonal relationships and avoids the assistance of others at all costs. Can only interact with others when she can be seen to be giving, supportive, and expending an unusual effort to assist.

Some narcissists behave the same way but only as a means to obtain Narcissistic Supply (praise, adulation, affirmation, attention). This must not be confused with the behaviour of the IN.

Criterion SEVEN

Lacks empathy. Is intensely attuned to others' needs, but only in so far as it relates to her own need to perform the required self-sacrifice, which in turn is necessary in order for the IN to obtain her Narcissistic Supply from the primary narcissist.

By contrast, narcissists are never empathic. They are intermittently attuned to others only in order to optimise the extraction of Narcissistic Supply from them.

Criterion EIGHT

Envies others. Cannot conceive of being envied and becomes extremely agitated and uncomfortable if even brought into a situation where comparison might occur. Loathes competition and avoids competition at all costs, if there is any chance of actually winning the competition, or being singled out.

Criterion NINE

Displays extreme shyness, lack of any real relational connections, is publicly self-effacing in the extreme, is internally highly moralistic and critical of others; is a perfectionist and engages in lengthy ritualistic behaviours, which can never be perfectly performed (obsessive-compulsive, though not necessarily to the full extent exhibited in Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder). Notions of being individualistic are anathema.

The Reactive Patterns of the Inverted Narcissist (IN)

The Inverted Narcissist does not suffer from a "milder" form of narcissism. Like the "classic" narcissists, it has degrees and shades. But it is much more rare and the DSM-IV-TR variety is the more prevalent.

The Inverted Narcissist is liable to react with rage whenever threatened, or...

...When envious of other people's achievements, their ability to feel wholeness, happiness, rewards and successes, when her sense of self-worthlessness is diminished by a behaviour, a comment, an event, when her lack of self-worth and voided self-esteem is threatened. Thus, this type of narcissist might surprisingly react violently or wrathfully to GOOD things: a kind remark, a mission accomplished, a reward, a compliment, a proposition, or a sexual advance.

...When thinking about the past, when emotions and memories are evoked (usually negative ones) by certain music, a given smell, or sight.

...When her pathological envy leads to an all-pervasive sense of injustice and being discriminated against or deprived by a spiteful world.

...When she comes across stupidity, avarice, dishonesty, bigotry - it is these qualities in herself that all types of narcissists really fear and reject so vehemently in others.

...When she believes that she failed (and she always entertains this belief), that she is imperfect and useless and worthless, a good for nothing half-baked creature.

...When she realises to what extent her inner demons possess her, constrain her life, torment her, deform her and the hopelessness of it all.

When the Inverted Narcissist rages, she becomes verbally and emotionally abusive. She uncannily spots and attacks the vulnerabilities of her target, and mercilessly drives home the poisoned dagger of despair and self-loathing until it infects her adversary.

The calm after such a storm is even eerier, a thundering silence. The Inverted Narcissist regrets her behaviour and admits her feelings while apologising profusely.

The Inverted Narcissist nurtures her negative emotions as yet another weapon of self-destruction and self-defeat. It is from this repressed self-contempt and sadistic self-judgement that the narcissistic rage springs forth.

One important difference between Inverted Narcissists and non-narcissists is that the former are less likely to react with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) following the breakup of their relationships with a their narcissists. They seem to be "desensitised" to narcissists by their early upbringing.

Whereas the reactions of normal people to narcissistic behaviour patterns (and especially to the splitting and projective identification defence mechanisms and to the idealisation devaluation cycles) is shock, profound hurt and disorientation - inverted narcissists show none of the above.

The Life of the Inverted Narcissist

The IN is, usually, exceedingly and painfully shy as a child. Despite this social phobia, his grandiosity (absorbed from the parent) might direct him to seek "limelight" professions and occupations, which involve exposure, competition, "stage fright" and social friction.

The setting can vary from the limited (family) to the expansive (national media) - but, whatever it is, the result is constant conflict and feelings of discomfort, even terror and extreme excitement and thrill ("adrenaline rush"). This is because the IN's grandiosity is "imported" and not fully integrated. It is, therefore, not supportive of his "grandiose" pursuits (as is the case with the narcissist). On the contrary, the IN feels awkward, pitted on the edge of a precipice, contrived, false and misleading, not to say deceitful.

The Inverted Narcissist grows up in a stifling environment, whether it is an orthodox, hyper-religious, collectivist, or traditionalist culture, a monovalent, "black and white", doctrinarian and indoctrinating society - or a family which manifests all the above in a microcosm all its own.

The Inverted Narcissist is cast in a negative (emergent) role within his family. His "negativity" is attributed to her gender, the order of her birth, religious, social, or cultural dictates and commandments, her "character flaws", her relation to a specific person or event, her acts or inaction and so on.

In the words of one such IN:

"In the religious culture I grew up in, women are SO suppressed, their roles are so carefully restricted. They are the representation, in the flesh, of all that is sinful, degrading, of all that is wrong with the world.

These are the negative gender/cultural images that were force fed to us the negative 'otherness' of women, as defined by men, was fed to me. I was so shy, withdrawn, unable to really relate to people at all from as early as I can remember."

The IN is subjected and exposed either to an overbearing, overvalued parent, or to an aloof, detached, emotionally unavailable one - or to both - at an early stage of his life.

"I grew up in the shadow of my father who adored me, put me on a pedestal, told me I could do or be anything I wanted because I was incredibly bright, BUT, he ate me alive, I was his property and an extension of him. I also grew up with the mounting hatred of my narcissist brother who got none of this attention from our father and got no attention from our mother either. My function was to make my father look wonderful in the eyes of all outsiders, the wonderful parent with a genius Wunderkind as his last child, and the only child of the six that he was physically present to raise from the get go. The overvaluation combined with being abjectly ignored or raged at by him when I stepped out of line even the tiniest bit, was enough to warp my personality."

The Invert is prevented from developing full-blown secondary narcissism. The Invert is so heavily preoccupied in his or her pre-school years with satisfying the narcissistic parent, that the traits of grandiosity and self-love, even the need for Narcissistic Supply, remain dormant or repressed.

The Invert simply "knows" that only the narcissistic parent can provide the requisite amount of Narcissistic Supply. The narcissistic parent is so controlling that any attempt to garner praise or adulation from any other source (without the approval of the parent) is severely punished by swift devaluation and even the occasional spanking or abuse (physical, emotional, or sexual).

This is a vital part of the conditioning that gives rise to inverted narcissism. Where the narcissist exhibits grandiosity, the Invert is intensely uncomfortable with personal praise, and wishes to always divert praise away from himself onto his narcissist. This is why the IN can only truly feel anything when she is in a relationship with another narcissist. The IN is conditioned and programmed from the very beginning to be the perfect companion to the narcissist. To feed his Ego, to be purely his extension, to seek only praise and adulation if it brings greater praise and adulation to her narcissist.

The Inverted Narcissist's Survival Guide

- Listen attentively to everything the narcissist says and agree with it all.
  Don't believe a word of it but let it slide as if everything is just fine, business as usual.
- Offer something absolutely unique to the narcissist which they cannot obtain anywhere else.
- Also be prepared to line up future Sources of Primary NS for your narcissist because you will not be IT for very long, if at all. If you take over the procuring function for the narcissist, they become that much more dependent on you which makes it a bit tougher for them to pull their haughty stuff - an inevitability, in any case.
- Be endlessly patient and go way out of your way to be accommodating, thus keeping the Narcissistic Supply flowing liberally, and keeping the peace (relatively speaking).
- Get tremendous personal satisfaction out of endlessly giving. This one may not be attractive to you, but it is a take it or leave it proposition.
- Be absolutely emotionally and financially independent of the narcissist. Take what you need: the excitement and engulfment (i.e., NS) and refuse to get upset or hurt when the narcissist does or says something dumb. Yelling back works really well but should be reserved for special occasions when you fear your narcissist may be on the verge of leaving you; the silent treatment is better as an ordinary response, but it must be devoid of emotional content, more with the air of boredom and "I'll talk to you later, when I am good and ready, and when you are behaving in a more reasonable fashion."
- If your narcissist is cerebral and not interested in having much sex, give yourself ample permission to have sex with other people. Your cerebral narcissist is not indifferent to infidelity so discretion and secrecy is of paramount importance.
- If your narcissist is somatic and you don't mind, join in on group sex encounters but make sure that you choose properly for your narcissist. They are heedless and very undiscriminating in respect of sexual partners and that can get very problematic (sexually Transmitted Diseases blackmail come to mind).
- If you are a "fixer" which most Inverted Narcissists are, focus on fixing situations, preferably before they become "situations". Don't for one moment delude yourself that you can actually fix the narcissist - it simply will not happen. Not because they are being stubborn - they just simply can't be fixed.
- If there is any fixing that can be done, it is to help your narcissist become aware of their condition, and (this is very important) with no negative implications or accusations in the process at all.
- It is like living with a physically handicapped person and being able to discuss, calmly, unemotionally, what the limitations and benefits of the handicap are and how the two of you can work with these factors, rather than trying to change them.
- Finally, and most important of all for the Inverted Narcissist: get to know yourself.
- What are you getting from the relationship? Are you actually a masochist?
  Why is this relationship attractive and interesting?
- Define for yourself what good and beneficial things you believe you are receiving in this relationship. Define the things that you find harmful to you. Develop strategies to minimise the harm to yourself.
- Don't expect that you will cognitively be able to reason with the narcissist to change who they are. You may have some limited success in getting your narcissist to tone down on the really harmful behaviours that affect you, which emanate from the unchangeable essence of the narcissist. This can only be accomplished in a very trusting, frank and open relationship

The Inverted Narcissist can have a reasonably good, long lasting relationship with the narcissist. You must be prepared to give your narcissist a lot of space and leeway.

You don't really exist for them as a fully realised person - no one does. They are not fully realised people so they cannot possibly have the skills, no matter how smart or sexy, to be a complete person in the sense that most adults are complete.

Somatic versus Cerebral Inverted Narcissists (IN)

The Inverted Narcissist is really an erstwhile narcissist internalised by the IN. Inevitably, we are likely to find among the Inverted the same propensities, predilections, preferences and inclinations that we do among proper narcissists.

The cerebral IN is an IN whose source of vicarious Primary Narcissistic Supply lies - through the medium and mediation of a narcissist - in the exercise of his intellectual faculties. A somatic IN would tend to make use of his body, sex, shape or health in trying to secure NS for "her" narcissist.

The Inverted Narcissist feeds on the primary narcissist and this is his Narcissistic Supply. So these two typologies can essentially become a self-supporting, symbiotic system.

In reality though, both the narcissist and the Inverted Narcissist need to be quite well aware of the dynamics of this relationship in order to make it work as a successful long-term arrangement. It might well be that this symbiosis would only work between a cerebral narcissist and a cerebral Invert. The somatic narcissist's incessant sexual dalliances would be far too threatening to the equanimity of the cerebral Invert for there to be much chance of this succeeding, even for a short time.

It would seem that only opposing types of narcissist can get along when two classic narcissists are involved in a couple. It follows, syllogistically, that only identical types of narcissist and inverted narcissist can survive in a couple. In other words: the best, most enduring couples of narcissist and his inverted narcissist mate would involve a somatic narcissist and a somatic IN - or a cerebral narcissist and a cerebral IN.

Coping with Narcissists and Non-Narcissists >The Inverted Narcissist is a person who grew up enthralled by the narcissistic parent. This parent engulfed and subsumed the child's being to such an extent that the child's personality was irrevocably shaped by this immersion, damaged beyond hope of repair. The child was not even able to develop defence mechanisms such as narcissism.

The end result is an Inverted Narcissistic personality. The traits of this personality are primarily evident in the context of romantic relationships. The child was conditioned by the narcissistic parent to only be entitled to feel whole, useful, happy, and productive when the child augmented or mirrored to the parent the parent's False Self. As a result the child is shaped by this engulfment and cannot feel complete in any significant adult relationship unless they are with a narcissist.

The Inverted Narcissist in Relationship with the Narcissist

The Inverted Narcissist is drawn to significant relationships with other narcissists in her adulthood. These relationships are usually spousal primary relationships but can also be friendships with narcissists outside of the primary love relationship.

In a primary relationship, the Inverted Narcissist attempts to re-create the parent-child relationship. The Invert thrives on mirroring to the narcissist his own grandiosity and in so doing the Invert obtains her own Narcissistic Supply (which is the dependence of the narcissist upon the Invert for their Secondary Narcissistic Supply).

The Invert must have this form of relationship with a narcissist in order to feel whole. The Invert goes as far as needed to ensure that the narcissist is happy, cared for, properly adored, as she feels is the narcissist's right. The Invert glorifies and lionizes her narcissist, places him on a pedestal, endures any and all narcissistic devaluation with calm equanimity, impervious to the overt slights of the narcissist.

Narcissistic rage is handled deftly by the Inverted Narcissist. The Invert is exceedingly adept at managing every aspect of her life, tightly controlling all situations, so as to minimise the potential for the inevitable narcissistic rages of his narcissist.

The Invert wishes to be subsumed by the narcissist. The Invert only feels truly loved and alive in this kind of relationship. The invert is loath to abandon her relationships with narcissists. The relationship only ends when the narcissist withdraws completely from the symbiosis. Once the narcissist has determined that the Invert is of no further use, and withholds all Narcissistic Supply from the Invert, only then does the Invert reluctantly move on to another relationship.

The Invert is most likely to equate sexual intimacy with engulfment. This can be easily misread to mean that the Invert is himself or herself a somatic narcissist, but it would be incorrect. The Invert can endure years of minimal sexual contact with their narcissist and still be able to maintain the self-delusion of intimacy and engulfment. The Invert finds a myriad of other ways to "merge" with the narcissist, becoming intimately, though only in support roles, involved with the narcissist's business, career, or any other activity where the Invert can feel that they are needed by the narcissist and indispensable.

The Invert is an expert at doling out Narcissistic Supply and even goes as far as procuring Primary Narcissistic Supply for their narcissist (even where this means finding another lover for the narcissist, or participating in group sex with the narcissist).

Usually though, the Invert seems most attracted to the cerebral narcissist and finds him easier to manage than the somatic narcissist. The cerebral narcissist is disinterested in sex and this makes life considerably easier for the Invert, i.e., the Invert is less likely to "lose" their cerebral narcissist to another primary partner. A somatic narcissist may be prone to changing partners with greater frequency or wish to have no partner, preferring to have multiple, casual sexual relationships of no apparent depth which never last very long.

The Invert regards relationships with narcissists as the only true and legitimate form of primary relationship. The Invert is capable of having primary relationships with non-narcissists. But without the engulfment and the drama, the Invert feels unneeded, unwanted and emotionally uninvolved.

When Can a Classic Narcissist Become an Inverted Narcissist?

A classic narcissist can become an inverted narcissist in one (or more) of the following (typically cumulative) circumstances:

Immediately following a life crisis and a narcissistic injury (divorce, devastating financial loss, death of a parent, or a child, imprisonment, loss of social status and, in general, any other narcissistic injury).
When the injured narcissist then meets another - classic - narcissist who restores a sense of meaning and superiority (uniqueness) to his life. The injured narcissist derives Narcissistic Supply vicariously, by proxy, through the "dominant" narcissist.
As part of an effort to secure a particularly desired Source of Narcissistic Supply. The conversion from classic to inverted narcissism serves to foster an attachment (bonding) between the narcissist and his source. When the narcissist judges that the source is his and can be taken for granted, he reverts to his former, classically narcissistic self. Such a "conversion" is always temporary. It does not last and the narcissist reverts to his "default" or dominant state.

When Can an Inverted Narcissist become a Classic Narcissist?

The inverted narcissist can become a classic narcissist in one (or more) of the following (typically cumulative) circumstances:

1. Immediately following a life crisis that involves the incapacitation or dysfunction of the inverted narcissist's partner (sickness, accident, demotion, divorce, devastating financial loss, death of a parent, or a child, imprisonment, loss of social status and, in general, any other narcissistic injury).
2. When the inverted narcissist, injured and disillusioned, then meets another - inverted - narcissist who restores a sense of meaning and superiority (uniqueness) to his life. The injured narcissist derives Narcissistic Supply from the inverted narcissist.
3. As part of an effort to secure a particularly desired Source of Narcissistic Supply. The conversion from inverted to classic narcissism serves to foster an attachment (bonding) between the narcissist and his source. When the narcissist judges that the source is his and can be taken for granted, he reverts to his former, inverted narcissistic self. Such a "conversion" is always temporary. It does not last and the narcissist reverts to his "default" or dominant state.

Relationships between the Inverted Narcissist and Non-Narcissists

The Inverted Narcissist can maintain relationships outside of the symbiotic primary relationship with a narcissist. But the Invert does not "feel" loved because she finds the non-narcissist not "engulfing" or not "exciting". Thus, the Invert tends to devalue their non-narcissistic primary partner as less worthy of the Inverts' love and attention.

The Invert may be able to sustain a relationship with a non-narcissist by finding other narcissistic symbiotic relationships outside of this primary relationship. The Invert may, for instance, have a narcissistic friend or lover, to whom he pays extraordinary attention, ignoring the real needs of the non-narcissistic partner.

Consequently, the only semi-stable primary relationship between the Invert and the non-narcissist occurs where the non-narcissist is very easy going, emotionally secure and not needing much from the Invert at all by way of time, energy or commitment to activities requiring the involvement of both parties. In a relationship with this kind of non-narcissist, the Invert may become a workaholic or very involved in outside activities that exclude the non-narcissist spouse.

It appears that the Inverted Narcissist in a relationship with a non-narcissist is behaviourally indistinguishable from a true narcissist. The only important exception is that the Invert does not rage at his non-narcissist partner - she instead withdraws from the relationship even further. This passive-aggressive reaction has been noted, though, with narcissists as well.

Inverted and Other Atypical / Partial (NOS) Narcissists

Inverted Narcissists Talk about Themselves

Competition and (Pathological) Envy

"I have a dynamic that comes up with every single person I get close to, where I feel extremely competitive toward and envious of the other person. But I don't ACT competitive, because at the very outset, I see myself as the loser in the competition. I would never dream of trying to beat the other person, because I know deep in my heart that they would win and I would be utterly humiliated. There are fewer things on earth that feel worse to me than losing a contest and having the other person gloat over me, especially if they know how much I cared about not losing. This is one thing that I actually feel violent about. I guess I tend to project the grandiosity part of the NPD package onto the other person rather than on a False Ego of my own. So most of the time I'm stuck in a state of deep resentment and envy toward her. To me, she's always far more intelligent, likable, popular, talented, self-confident, emotionally developed, morally good, and attractive than I am. And I really hate her for that, and feel humiliated by it. So it's incredibly hard for me to feel happy for this person when she has a success, because I'm overcome with humiliation about myself. This has ruined many a close relationship. I tend to get this way about one person at a time, usually the person who is playing the role of 'my better half', best friends or lovers/partners. So it's not like I'm unable to be happy for anyone, ever, or that I envy every person I meet. I don't get obsessed with how rich or beautiful movie stars are or anything like that. It only gets projected onto this partner-person, the person I'm depending on the most in terms of supplies (attention, reassurance, security, building up my self-esteem, etc.)...

...The really destructive thing that happens is, I see her grandiose traits as giving her the power to have anything and anyone she wants. So I feel a basic insecurity, because why should she stay with a loser like me, when she's obviously so out of my league? So really, what I'm envious of is the power that all that talent, social ability, beauty, etc., gives her to have CHOICES - the choice to stay or leave me. Whereas I am utterly dependent on her. It's this emotional inequality that I find so humiliating."

"I agree with the inverted narcissist designation - sometimes I've called myself a 'closet narcissist'. That is, I've internalised the value system of grandiosity, but have not applied the grandiose identity to myself.

I believe I SHOULD BE those grandiose things, but at the same time, I know I'm not and I'm miserable about it. So people don't think of me as having an inflated Ego - and indeed I don't - but scratch the surface, and you'll find all these inflated expectations. I mean to say that perhaps the parents suppressed every manifestation of grandiosity (very common in early childhood) and of narcissism - so that the defence mechanism that narcissism is was 'inverted' and internalised in this unusual form."

"Maybe there aren't two discrete states (NPD vs. 'regular' low self-esteem) - maybe it's more of a continuum. And maybe it's just the degree and depth of the problem that distinguishes one from the other.

My therapist describes NPD as 'the inability to love oneself'. As she defines it, the 'narcissistic wound' is a deep wounding of the sense of self, the image of oneself. That doesn't mean that other disorders - or for that matter, other life stressors - can't also cause low self-esteem. But I think NPD IS low self-esteem...

That's what the disorder is really about - an image of yourself that is profoundly negative, and the inability to attain a normal and healthy self-image..."

"Yes, I'm a survivor of child abuse. But remember that not all abuse is alike. There are different kinds of abuse, and different effects. My XXX's style of abuse had to do with trying to annihilate me as a separate person. It also had to do with the need to put all his negative self-image onto me - to see in me what he hated in himself. So I got to play the role of the loser that he secretly feared he was. I was flipped back and forth in those roles - sometimes I'd be a Source of NS for him, and other times I was the receptacle of all his pain and rage. Sometimes my successes were used to reflect back on him, to show off to the rest of the family. Other times, my successes were threatening to my father, who suddenly feared that I was superior to him and had to be squelched. I experience emotions that most people I know don't feel. Or maybe they do feel them, but to far less extreme intensity. For example, the envy and comparison/competition I feel toward others. I guess most of us have experienced rivalry, jealousy, being compared to others. Most of us have felt envy at another's success. Yet most people I know seem able to overcome those feelings to some extent, to be able to function normally. In a competition, for example, they may be driven to do their best so they can win. For me, the fear of losing and being humiliated is so intense that I avoid competition completely. I am terrified of showing people that I care about doing well, because it's so shaming for me if I lose. So I underachieve and pretend I don't care. Most people I know may envy another person's good luck or success, but it doesn't prevent them from also being happy for them and supporting them. But for me, when I'm in a competitive dynamic with someone, I can't hear about any of their successes, or compliments they've received, etc. I don't even like to see the person doing good things, like bringing Thanksgiving leftovers to the sick old guy next door, because those things make me feel inferior for not thinking of doing that myself (and not having anyone in my life that I'd do that for). It's just so incredibly painful for me to see evidence of the other person's good qualities, because it immediately brings up my feeling of inferiority. I can't even stand to date someone, who looks really good, because I'm jealous of their good looks! So this deep and obsessive envy has destroyed my joy in other people. All the things about other people that I love and take pleasure in is a double-edged sword because I also hate them for it, for having those good qualities (while, presumably, I don't). I don't know - do you think this is garden-variety low self-esteem? I know plenty of people who suffer from lack of confidence, from timidity, social awkwardness, hatred of their body, feeling unlovable, etc. But they don't have this kind of hostile, corrosive resentment of another person for being all the wonderful things that they can't be, or aren't allowed to be, etc. And one thing I hate is when people are judgemental of me about how I feel, as though I can help it. It's like, 'You shouldn't be so selfish, you should feel happy for her that she's successful', etc. They don't understand that I would love to feel those things, but I can't. I can't stop the incredible pain that explodes in me when these feelings get triggered, and I often can't even HIDE the feelings. It's just so overwhelming. I feel so damaged sometimes. There's more, but that's the crux of it for me, anyway."

Getting Compliments

"I love getting compliments and rewards, and do not react negatively to them. In some moods, when my self-hate has gotten triggered, I can sometimes get to places where I'm inconsolable, because I get stuck in bitterness and self-pity, and so I doubt the sincerity or the reliability of the good thing that someone is saying to me (to try to cheer me up or whatever). But, if I'm in a reasonable mood and someone offers me something good, I'm all too happy to accept it! I don't have a stake in staying miserable."

The Partiality of the Condition

"I do agree that it's (atypical or inverted narcissism) not MILDER. But how I see it is that it's PARTIAL. The part that's there is just as destructive as it is in the typical narcissist. But there are parts missing from that total, full-blown disorder - and I see that as healthy, actually. I see it as parts of myself that WEREN'T infected by the pathology, that are still intact.

In my case, I did not develop the overweening Ego part of the disorder. So in a sense, what you have with me is the naked pathology, with no covering: no suaveness, no charm, no charisma, no confidence, no persuasiveness, but also no excuses, no lies, no justifications for my feelings. Just the ugly self-hate, for all to see. And the self-hate part is just as bad as it is with a full-blown narcissist, so again, it's not milder.

But because I don't have the denial part of the disorder, I have a lot more insight, a lot more motivation to do something about my problems (i.e., I 'self-refer' to therapy), and therefore, I think, a lot more hope of getting better than people whose defence involves totally denying they even have a problem."

"When my full-blown XXX's pathological envy would get triggered, he would respond by putting down the person he was envious of - or by putting down the accomplishment itself, or whatever good stuff the other person had. He'd trivialise it, or outright contradict it, or find some way to convince the other person (often me) that the thing they're feeling good about isn't real, or isn't worthwhile, or is somehow bad, etc. He could do this because the inflated Ego defence was fully formed and operating with him.

When MY pathological envy gets triggered, I will be bluntly honest about it. I'll say something self-pitying, such as: 'You always get the good stuff, and I get nothing'; 'You're so much better than I'; 'People like you better - you have good social skills and I'm a jerk'; and so on. Or I might even get hostile and sarcastic: 'Well, it must be nice to have so many people worshipping you, isn't it?' I don't try to convince myself that the other person's success isn't real or worthwhile, etc. Instead, I'm totally flooded with the pain of feeling utterly inferior and worthless - and there's no way for me to convince myself or anyone else otherwise. I'm not saying that the things I say are pleasant to hear - and it is still manipulative of me to say them, because the other person's attention is drawn away from their joy and onto my pain and hostility. And instead of doubting their success's worth or reality, they feel guilty about it, or about talking about it, because it hurts me so much. So from the other person's point of view, maybe it's not any easier to live with a partial narcissist than with a full-blown, in that their joys and successes lead to pain in both cases. It's certainly not easier for me, being flooded with rage and pain instead of being able to hide behind a delusion of grandeur. But from my therapist's point of view, I'm much better off because I know I'm unhappy - it's in my face all the time. So I'm motivated to work on it and change it. And time has borne her words out. Over the past several years that I've worked on this issue, I have changed a great deal in how I deal with it. Now when the envy gets triggered, I don't feel so entwined with the other person - I recognise that it's my OWN pain getting triggered, not something they are doing to me. And so I can acknowledge the pain in a more responsible way, taking ownership of it by saying, 'The jealousy feelings are getting triggered again, and I'm feeling worthless and inferior. Can you reassure me that I'm not?' That's a lot better than making some snide, hostile, or self-pitying comment that puts the other person on the defensive or makes them feel guilty... I do prefer the term 'partial' because that's what it feels like to me. It's like a building that's partially built - the house of narcissism. For me, the structure is there, but not the outside, so you can see inside the skeleton to all the junk that's inside. It's the same junk that's inside a full-blown narcissist, but their building is completed, so you can't see inside. Their building is a fortress, and it's almost impossible to bring it down. My defences aren't as strong ... which makes my life more difficult in some ways because I REALLY feel my pain. But it also means that the house can be brought down more easily, and the junk inside cleaned out..."

Thinking about the Past and the World

"I don't usually get rageful about the past. I feel sort of emotionally cut-off from the past, actually. I remember events very clearly, but usually can't remember the feelings. When I do remember the feelings, my reaction is usually one of sadness, and sometimes of relief that I can get back in touch with my past. But not rage. All my rage seems to get displaced on the current people in my life."

"...When I see someone being really socially awkward and geeky, passive-aggressive, indirect and victim-like, it does trigger anger in me because I identify with that person and I don't want to. I try to put my negative feelings onto them, to see that person as the jerk, not me - that's what a narcissist does, after all. But for me it doesn't completely work because I know, consciously, what I'm trying to do. And ultimately, I'm not kidding anyone, least of all myself."

Self-Pity and Depression

"More self-pity and depression here - not so much rage. One of the things that triggers my rage more than anything else is the inability to control another person, the inability to dominate them and force my reality on them. I feel impotent, humiliated, forced back on my empty self. Part of what I'm feeling here is envy: that person who can't be controlled clearly has a self and I don't, and I just hate them for it. But it's also a power struggle - I want to get Narcissistic Supply by being in control and on top and having the other person submissive and compliant..."

Regretting, Admitting Mistakes

"I regret my behaviour horribly, and I DO admit my feelings. I am also able, in the aftermath, to have empathy for the feelings of the person I've hurt, and I'm horribly sad about it, and ashamed of myself. It's as though I'd been possessed by a demon, acted out all this abusive horrible stuff, and then, after the departure of the demon, I'm back in my right mind and it's like, 'What have I DONE???' I don't mean I'm not responsible for what I did (i.e., a demon made me do it). But when I'm triggered, I have no empathy - I can only see my projection onto that person, as a huge threat to me, someone who must be demolished. But when my head clears, I see that person's pain, hurt, fear - and I feel terrible. I want to make it up to them. And that feeling is totally sincere - it's not an act. I'm genuinely sorry for the pain I've caused the other person."

Rage

"I wouldn't say that my rage comes from repressed self-contempt (mine is not repressed - I'm totally aware of it). And it's not missing atonement either, since I do atone. The rage comes from feeling humiliated, from feeling that the other person has somehow sadistically and gleefully made me feel inferior, that they're getting off on being superior, that they're mocking me and ridiculing me, that they have scorn and contempt for me and find it all very amusing. That - whether real or imagined (usually imagined) - is what causes my rage."

Pursuing Relationships with Narcissists

"There are some very few of us who actually seek out relationships with narcissists. We do this with the full knowledge that we are not wanted, despised even. We persist and pursue no matter the consequences, no matter the cost.

I am an 'inverted narcissist'. It is because as a child I was 'imprinted/fixated' with a particular pattern involving relationships. I was engulfed so completely by my father's personality and repressed so severely by various other factors in my childhood that I simply didn't develop a recognisable personality. I existed purely as an extension of my father. I was his genius Wunderkind. He ignored my mother and poured all his energy and effort into me. I did not develop full-blown secondary narcissism... I developed into the perfect 'other half' of the narcissists moulding me. I became the perfect, eager co-dependent. And this is an imprint, a pattern in my psyche, a way of (not) relating to the world of relationships by only being able to truly relate to one person (my father) and then one kind of person - the narcissist.

He is my perfect lover, my perfect mate, a fit that is so slick and smooth, so comfortable and effortless, so filled with meaning and actual feelings - that's the other thing. I cannot feel on my own. I am incomplete. I can only feel when I am engulfed by another (first it was my father) and now - well now it has to be a narcissist. Not just any narcissist either. He must be exceedingly smart, good looking, have adequate reproductive equipment and some knowledge on how to use it and that's about it.

When I am engulfed by someone like this I feel completed, I can actually FEEL. I am whole again. I function as a sibyl, an oracle, an extension of the narcissist. His fiercest protector, his purveyor/procurer of NS, the secretary, organiser, manager, etc. I think you get the picture and this gives me INTENSE PLEASURE.

So the answer to your question: 'Why would anyone want to be with someone who doesn't want them back?' The short answer is, 'Because there is no one else remotely worth looking at.'"

Making Amends

"I mostly apologise, and I give the person space to talk about what hurt them so that (1) they get to express their anger or hurt to me, and (2) I can understand better and know better how not to hurt them (if I can avoid it) the next time there's a conflict. Sometimes the hurt I cause is unintentional - maybe I've been insensitive or forgetful or something, in which case I feel more certain that I can avoid repeating the hurtful behaviour, since I didn't want to hurt them in the first place. If the hurt I caused has to do with my getting my trigger pulled and going into a rage, then that hurt was quite deliberate, although at the time I was unable to experience the other person as vulnerable or capable of being hurt by me. And I do realise that if that trigger is pulled again, it might happen again. But I also hope that there'll be a LITTLE TINY window where the memory of the conversation will come back to me while I'm in my rage, and I'll remember that the person really IS vulnerable. I hope that by hearing over and over that the person actually does feel hurt by what I say while in rages, that I might remember that when I am triggered and raging. So, mostly I apologise and try to communicate with the other person. I don't verbally self-flagellate, because that's manipulative. Not to say I never do that - in fact I've had a dynamic with people where I verbally put myself down and try to engage the other person into arguing me out of it.

But if I'm in the middle of apologising to the other person for hurting them, then I feel like this is their moment, and I don't want to turn the focus toward getting them to try to make me feel better. I will talk about myself, but only in an attempt to communicate, so that we can understand each other better. I might say, 'I got triggered about such-and-such, and you seemed so invulnerable that it enraged me', etc. - and the other person might react with, 'But I was feeling vulnerable, I just couldn't show it', etc. - and we'll go back and forth like that. So it's not like I don't think my feelings count, and I do want the other person to UNDERSTAND my feelings, but I don't want to put the other person in the role of taking care of my feelings in that moment, because they have just been hurt by me and I'm trying to make it up to them, not squeeze more stuff OUT of them..."

"So when I've been a real jerk to someone, I want them to feel like it's OK to be pissed off at me, and I want them to know that I am interested in and focused on how they feel, not just on how I feel. As for gifts - I used to do that, but eventually I came to feel that that was manipulative, too, that it muddled things because then the other person would feel like they couldn't be angry anymore, since after all, I've just brought them this nice gift. I also feel that in general, gift-giving is a sweet and tender thing to do, and I don't want to sully that tenderness by associating it with the hurt that comes from abusive behaviour."

Why Narcissists?

"I am BUILT this way. I may have overstated it by saying that I have 'no choice' because, in fact I do.

The choice is - live in an emotionally deadened monochrome world where I can reasonably interact with normal people OR I can choose to be with a narcissist in which case my world is Technicolor, emotionally satisfying, alive and wondrous (also can be turbulent and a real roller coaster ride for the unprepared, not to mention incredibly damaging for people who are not inverted narcissists and who fall into relationships with narcissists). As I have walked on both sides of the street, and because I have developed coping mechanisms that protect me really quite well, I can reasonably safely engage in a primary, intimate relationship with a narcissist without getting hurt by it.

The real WHY of it all is that I learned, as a young child, that being 'eaten alive' by a narcissist parent, to the point where your existence is but an extension of his own, was how all relationships ought to work. It is a psychological imprint - my 'love map', it is what feels right to me intrinsically. A pattern of living - I don't know how else to describe it so you and others will understand how very natural and normal this is for me. It is not the torturous existence that most of the survivors of narcissism are recounting on this list.

My experiences with narcissists, to me, ARE NORMAL for me. Comfortable like an old pair of slippers that fit perfectly. I don't expect many people to attempt to do this, to 'make themselves into' this kind of person. I don't think anyone could, if they t

ried.

It is my need to be engulfed and merged that drives me to these relationships and when I get those needs met I feel more normal, better about myself. I am the outer extension of the narcissist. In many ways I am a vanguard, a public two-way warning system, fiercely defending my narcissist from harm, and fiercely loyal to him, catering to his every need in order to protect his fragile existence. These are the dynamics of my particular version of engulfment. I don't need anyone to take care of me. I need only to be needed in this very particular way, by a narcissist who inevitably possesses the ability to engulf in a way that normal, fully realised adults cannot. It is somewhat paradoxical - I feel freer and more independent with a narcissist than without one. I achieve more in my life when I am in this form of relationship. I try harder, work harder, am more creative, think better of myself, excel in most every aspect of my life."

"...I go ahead and cater to him and pretend that his words don't hurt, and later, I engage in an internal fight with myself for being so damned submissive. It's a constant battle and I can't seem to decide which voice in my head I should listen to... I feel like a fool, yet, I would rather be a fool with him than a lonely, well-rounded woman without him. I've often said that the only way that we can stay together is because we feed off of each other. I give him everything he needs and he takes it. Seeing him happy and pleased is what gives me pleasure. I feel very successful then."

Partial NPD

"I do think it's uncommon for girls to develop these patterns, as they are usually trained to be self-effacing. I certainly was! However, I have a lot of the very same underlying patterns that full-blown, obnoxiously egotistical NP's have, but I am not egotistical because I didn't develop the pattern of inflated Ego and grandiosity. All the rest of it is there, though: fragile Ego, lack of a centre or self, super-sensitive to criticism and rejections, pathological, obsessive envy, comparisons and competitive attitudes toward others, a belief that everyone in the world is either superior or inferior to me, and so on.

Sometimes I kind of wish I had developed the inflated Ego of a complete NP, because then I would at least be able to hide from all the pain I feel. But at the same time, I'm glad I didn't, because those people have a much lower chance of recovery - how can they recover if they don't acknowledge anything is wrong? Whereas it's pretty clear to me I have problems, and I've spent my life working on them and trying to change myself and heal."

Narcissist-Non Narcissist and Narcissist-Inverted Narcissist Couples

"Can a N and a non-N ever maintain a long lasting marriage? It would seem that a non-N would have too much self-esteem to lend himself to a lifetime of catering and pandering to an N's unending need for unearned adoration and glory. I, as a non-N... got tired of these people and their unremitting attempts to drain my psyche within a relatively short period of time and abandoned them as soon as I realised what I was dealing with to preserve my own sanity."

"It depends on the non-narcissist, really. Narcissism is a RIGID, systemic pattern of responses. It is so all-pervasive and all-encompassing that it is a PERSONALITY disorder. If the non-narcissist is codependent, for instance, then the narcissist is a perfect match for him and the union will last..."

"You have to pimp for the narcissist, intellectually, and sexually. If your narcissist is somatic, you are much better off lining up the sex partners than leaving it to him. Intellectual pimping is more varied. You can think of wonderful things and then subtly string out the idea, in the most delicate of packages and watch the narcissist cogitate their way to 'their' brilliant discovery whilst you bask in the glow of their perfection and success... The point of this entire exercise is to assure YOUR supply, which is the narcissist himself, not to punish yourself by giving away a great idea or abase yourself because, of course, YOU are not worthy of having such a great idea on your own - but who knows, it may seem that way to the inverted narcissist. It really depends on how self-aware the inverted is."

"The only rejection you need to fear is the possibility of losing the narcissist and if one is doing everything else right, this is very unlikely to happen! So by 'emotionally independent' I am talking about being self-assured, doing your own thing, having a life, feeling strong and good about yourself, getting emotional sustenance from other people. I mean, let's face it, a drug is a drug is a habit. Habits just are, and what they ARE NOT are the be all and end all of love, commitment and serene symmetrical, balanced emotional perfection that is the ideal of the romanticised 'love-for-a-lifetime' all-American relationship dream."

"(I am) terribly turned on by narcissists. The most exciting moments of my life in every venue have been with narcissists. It is as if living and loving with normal people is a grey thing by comparison, not fuelled by sufficient adrenaline. I feel like a junkie, now, that I no longer permit myself the giddy pleasure of the RUSH I used to know when I was deeply and hopelessly involved with an N. I am like a lotus-eater. And I always felt guilty about this and also sorry that I ever succumbed that first time to my first narcissist lover."

"I am exactly this way and I feel exactly as you do, that the world is a sepia motion picture but when I am intimately involved with a narcissist, it breaks out into three-dimensional Technicolor and I can see and feel in ways that are not available to me otherwise. In my case I developed this (inverted narcissism) as a result of being the favourite of my father who so completely absorbed me into his personality that I was not able to develop a sense of separation. So I am stuck in this personality matrix of needing to be engulfed, adored by and completely taken over by a narcissist in my life. In turn, I worship, defend, regulate and procure Narcissistic Supply for my narcissist. It is like the mould and the moulded."

"In my case, I realise that while I can't stop loving my current narcissist, it isn't necessary for me to avoid as long as I can understand. In my way of looking at it, he is deserving of love, and since I can give him love without it hurting me, then as long as he needs it, he shall have it."

"My personal theory is that dogmatic religious culture is a retarding influence on the growth and maturation of those heavily involved - more and more autonomy (and hence personal responsibility) seems to be blithely sacrificed to the group mind/spirit. It is as though the church members become one personality and that personality is narcissistic and the individual just folds under the weight of that kind of group pressure - particularly if you are a child."

"If I displayed behaviour that made my XXX look good to others, I was insipidly overvalued. When I dared be something other than who she wanted me to be, the sarcastic criticism and total devaluation was unbelievable. So, I learned to be all things to all people. I get a heavenly high from surrendering my power to a narcissist, to catering to them, in having them overvalue and need me, and it is the only time that I truly feel alive..."

"We have very little choice in all of this. We are as vacant and warped as the narcissist. XXX is wont to say, 'I don't HAVE a personality disorder, I AM a personality disorder.' It defines who we are and how we will respond. You will always and ONLY have real feelings when you are with a narcissist. It is your love map, it is the programming within your psyche. Does it need to control your behaviour? Not necessarily. Knowing what you are can at least give you the opportunity to forecast the effect of an action before you take it. So, loveless black and white may be the very healthiest thing for you for the foreseeable future. I tend to think of these episodes with narcissists as being cyclic. You will likely need to cut loose for a while when your child is older.

DO NOT feel ashamed please! Should a physically handicapped person feel ashamed of their handicap? No and neither should we. The trouble with us is that we are fooled into thinking that these relationships are 'guilty pleasures'. They feel so very good for a time but they are more akin to addiction satisfaction rather than being the 'right match' or an 'appropriate relationship'. I am still very conflicted myself about this. I wrote a few months ago that it was like having a caged very dangerous animal inside of me. When I get near narcissists, the animal smells its own kind and it wants out. I very carefully 'micro-manage' my life. This means that I daily do fairly regular reality checks and keep a very tight reign on my self and my behaviours. I am also obsessive-compulsive."

"I feel as though I'm constantly on an emotional roller coaster. I may wake up in a good mood, but if my N partner does or says something, which is hurtful to me, my mood changes immediately. I now feel sad, empty, afraid. All I want to do at this point is anything that will make him say something NICE to me.

Once he does, I'm back on top of the world. This pattern of mood changes, or whatever you may call them, can take place several times a day. Each and every day. I've gotten to the point where I'm not sure that I can trust myself to feel any one way, because I know that I have no control over myself. He has the control. It's scary, yet I've sort of come to depend on him determining how I am going to feel."

"When I was first involved with my cerebral narcissist I was like this but after awhile I just learned to become more emotionally distant (the ups and downs were just too much) and find emotional gratification with other people, mostly girl friends and one of two male friends. I make a point of saying ... that the invert must be or become emotionally and financially independent (if you don't do this he will eat you up and when he has finished with you and you are nothing but a husk, you will be expelled from his life in one big vomit). It is really important for you to start to take responsibility for your own emotional wellness without regard to how he treats you. Remember that the narcissist has the emotional maturity of a two-year old! Don't expect much in the way of emotional depth or support in your relationship - he simply is not capable of anything that sophisticated

next: Narcissists, Inverted Narcissists and Schizoids

APA Reference
Vaknin, S. (2008, November 27). The Inverted Narcissist, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, October 4 from https://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/the-inverted-narcissist

Last Updated: July 4, 2018

A Bit About Me

HealthyPlace.com Staff Writer

Dennis - Living with Depression First, let me provide some hard facts about myself. I am male, 44 years old, married 17 years with no kids - but our cat and parakeets come close. My wife and I live in rural New England, and I've been here all my life. I work in the information services department of a small company. Believe it or not, I'm active in community theater as well.

Although I had my first debilitating bout of depression in 1996 at the age of 32, in retrospect I've been at least mildly depressed all my life. So I know the subject of depression quite well.

One of the keys to my recovery was seeing a website with a list of depression symptoms. So I know the power of the Web in helping to save lives ... and want to put it to good use. At that time, there was a lot of clinical-style information about depression on the Web, but not much about its personal impact. So I wanted my site to express the personal nature of this illness, so as to support those who have it and help explain it to those who don't.

There are lots of people like me out there, people who are either depressed, or getting there, and who simply don't realize that an illness is causing them to feel the way they do. I hope that by relating my own story and talking to them in their own terms, I can get them on the road to recovery.

My wife has been as helpful as one could expect under the circumstances; she hasn't had it easy. She came very close to losing me a few times, so she became protective. Most of the rest of my family lives far away and hasn't been affected much. My friends ... well, most of them have drifted away. They find me difficult to deal with and would rather not be bothered. This hasn't been easy for me but there's nothing I can do about it. It's also very common, as I've found out, and quite tragic, as the alienation can make depression worse.

So that's another angle I try to cover ... explaining depression to the non-depressed, so that, hopefully, other depressed people won't find themselves alienated from their friends.

What I want to do, in short, is to provide what wasn't available to me and my friends and family at the time we needed it - a resource which helps everyone to understand the hideous illness we call depression, in a personal way.

next: Mental Health Recovery Homepage
~ back to Living with Depression homepage
~ depression library articles
~ all articles on depression

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 27). A Bit About Me, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, October 4 from https://www.healthyplace.com/depression/articles/a-bit-about-me

Last Updated: June 20, 2016

Jesus and Mary Magdalene - Jesus, Sexuality and the Bible

HealthyPlace.com Staff Writer

"The second point I would like to make is that humans have for too long gotten caught up in the details of the message of Jesus, and lost the Spirit of it completely. Wars have been fought, individuals and groups tortured and murdered, over the definitions of words supposedly spoken by him. The inquisition was not about Love. Bombing abortion clinics is not about Love."

"I offer this to you: Not to say that this new translation of the Bible is right and the old one is wrong - it is for you to decide which one feels more like Truth to you. I offer this as I offer everything else that I am sharing here - as an alternate perspective for you to consider."

"In fact the declaration that Jesus was God was made in 325 AD by the Council of Nicea. It was not a concept that was taught by his disciples after his death. It was the church founded by Paul (who never met Jesus) among the gentiles that started teaching that Jesus was Divine."

"The teachings of all the Master Teachers, of all the world's religions, contain some Truth along with a lot of distortions and lies. Discerning Truth is often like recovering treasure from shipwrecks that have been sitting on the ocean floor for hundreds of years - the grains of Truth, the nuggets of gold, have become encrusted with garbage over the years.

As one example of this, I am going to discuss the Bible for a moment, because it has been such a powerful force in shaping the attitudes of Western Civilization.

The Bible contains Truth, much of it symbolic or in parable form because most of the audience at the time it was written had very little sophistication or imagination. They did not have the tools and the knowledge we have access to now.

So the Bible does contain Truth - it also contains a lot of distortion. The Bible was translated many times. It was translated by male Codependents."

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"That your response to my saying" Jesus also had sensual and sexual desires and a mate and lover in Mary Magdalene". - is to equate this to indecency brings up feelings of sadness for me. That one of God's greatest gifts to us - the ability to Touch with Love - has been twisted in our culture into something shameful and indecent is one of the great tragedies of the human condition - in my view."

Jesus & Mary Magdalene - Jesus, sexuality, & the bible

This page was originally a Question and Answer page on my original web site. I have added it as a regular web page on my new site because I am quite proud of it and think it contains important information.

A Question About Jesus

Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney

Dear _____,
I am sorry that it has taken me awhile to respond to your e-mail. I have been very busy with an update to my web site and a trip out of town for a day and a half to see some clients. I also wanted to let your question percolate for some days because there are a variety of ways to answer your question and I wanted to do so with respect and honor for the nature and subject of the question.

You wrote:

I assume you are Robert Burney, the author of the book and excepts on this website.

While I was quite impressed by such deep insights in spiritual realm, I couldn't resist asking a question on the "Christ Consciousness" section. Would you be kind enough to reply where in the Bible talks about Jesus having humanly desire with Mary Magdalene or even displayed any indecency?
Your view on concept of Godly love expressed by Christ is absolutely agreeable, but I wonder where the concept of Christ as human male is noted anywhere, if not in Bible.

First of all I wish to make the point that I made in the Authors Foreword to my book and repeated in the middle of the book in the quote above - I am not trying to impose my Truth on anyone. I am offering an alternate perspective to help people to see things in a larger context. Too often we go through life reacting out of beliefs that we were taught in childhood without ever stopping to ask ourselves "Does this make sense?" "Is this what I believe?" In order to grow it is necessary to experience a paradigm shift, an enlarging of context, a growth of consciousness.

The second point I would like to make is that humans have for too long gotten caught up in the details of the message of Jesus, and lost the Spirit of it completely. Wars have been fought, individuals and groups tortured and murdered, over the definitions of words supposedly spoken by him. The inquisition was not about Love. Bombing abortion clinics is not about Love.

One of the most important tools in consciousness raising is discernment. To be able to pick the baby out of the bath water. In this case the baby is the Spirit of Love and Truth. When we find it - it is very important to know that we don't have to let some details/definitions/the dirty bath water keep us from embracing the nuggets of Truth - cause us to throw out the baby.

This quote is from the very beginning of my book:

"In this dance of life that we are doing there are different levels - even of Truth with a capital T. There are ultimate Truths, and there are relative Truths. The ultimate Truths have to do with the eternal, everlasting reality of the God-Force, the Great Spirit. The relative Truths have to do with each individual's own intuitive guidance. These are the messages we receive individually to get us from point A to point B on our individual paths. The guidance we get from our Souls that tells us what the next thing in front of us is.

Our individual, relative Truths expand and grow as we expand and grow. We each have our own unique path to follow - our own individual inner guidance system. No one can tell you what your path is! Your Truth is a personal thing. Only you can know your Truth.

It is through following and being True to our individual Truths, as they relate to our path through this physical experience, that we reach balance and harmony with the ultimate Truths." Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney

I believe that the details of the life of Jesus fall into the category of relative Truth - while the message of Love that Jesus taught and symbolizes is more in the category of Ultimate Truth - so I think we already agree on what is important.

Those points made, I am now going to be addressing different parts of your question in a long reply and I am also going to be giving you a very short answer that constitutes the bottom line for me and what I consider to be my Truth.

The long reply is going to focus on what I see are 4 different facets of your communication with me. These four are

1. The Tone

2. The Bible

3. Indecency

4. Jesus & Mary Magdalene

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1. The Tone -

I was severely Spiritually abused growing up in a very shame-based religion that taught me that I was born sinful and that there was a God who loved me but might send me to burn in hell forever for being human (i.e. getting angry, making mistakes, being sexual. etc.) I still have some very tender wounds about the effect those teaching have had on my life. As I write this my eyes filled with tears of sadness about that little boy being taught what I believe are such abusive and spirit-destroying concepts. I still have a great deal of anger that this abuse was perpetrated on me, and that so many other children were and are being abused by these types of teachings - which are in my belief the very opposite of the Truth of a Loving God-Force.

I have done a lot of healing around these wounds and they don't have nearly the power they used to have only a few years ago. In fact, the only thing which I might even consider changing in my book "The Dance of Wounded Souls" is the tone which I use on one page in talking about the abuse which has been perpetrated in the name of Jesus by people who were acting the very reversed of what I believe Jesus taught - I absolutely believe what I say in my book but now, with a few more years of healing of those wounds, I might say it a little less stridently, in a little softer manner.

Because I still have buttons that can be pushed in relationship to my wounding I try to be careful to not react when I sense in someone else the kind of rigid shame based belief system that was so damaging to me. I don't know if you have that kind of belief system - if you have, it is of course your perfect right to believe whatever you wish - but my first reaction (and some subsequent ones) to your e-mail has been that it had a belligerent edge to it.

I am not sure though. If you were truly coming from a rigid belief system there is no way that you could say "I was quite impressed by such deep insights in spiritual realm" - so I have been confused about whether you sincerely wanted to hear my answer or were just baiting me.

Ultimately it really doesn't matter what your intentions were - you have done me a service in asking the question. It is always good for me to have something germinating in my mind - and it was specifically interesting timing because of my very recent decision to post some question and answer pages on my web site. Because of the timing of your message I have been thinking of it in terms of an answer that I am going to post for the world to see, instead of one that was going to one person. So, rather you were baiting me or really in search of some understanding of my point of view is not important - I thank you for the challenge and hope that you can see the respect with which I approach this subject.

In a couple of minutes of searching the internet this afternoon I found some very interesting sites without any trouble at all. I have borrowed information from those sights and provided links to them. They are presented here not as an endorsement (I only looked at them for a few moments) but as an offering of resources to explore. I did some underlining in those excerpts (and mine) to emphasis or highlight some specific points.

2. The Bible

You said, " . . .but I wonder where the concept of Christ as human male is noted anywhere, if not in Bible."

About the bible. You mention the bible as if it were the ultimate authority in deciding Truth. The bible is not some sacrosanct document that presents an accurate account of events that happened 2000 years ago. It is a hodgepodge of writing (unknown individuals writing about what they had heard happened 50 to 100 years prior to their time) by different writers that were chosen to be "The Bible" because of political factors within the early church (up to 590 AD or CE is considered the early years.)

In fact the declaration that Jesus was God was made in 325 AD by the Council of Nicea. It was not a concept that was taught by his disciples after his death. It was the church founded by Paul (who never met Jesus) among the gentiles that started teaching that Jesus was Divine. This was a raging debate in the early church that led to riots (after Christianity was legalized in the Roman Empire in 311 AD) between different factions and led to Emperor Constantine calling the Council of Nicea to decide the matter.

This quote about the early history of the church is from a web site called Religious Tolerance at http://www.religioustolerance.org/toc.htm

"The church had evolved from a small, geographically concentrated institution under the authority of the apostles, to a widespread church under the authority of many bishops. There was no single individual who spoke for the entire church and had the authority to decide matters of belief and practice. Such matters could only be determined by councils at which all of the bishops would debate and attempt to resolve points of difference.
There were 4 councils in all:

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1.The first was the Council of Nicea (325 CE) which attempted to resolve the major uncertainty facing the early church: the relationship between Jesus and God. The church recognized the Hebrew Scriptures (Old Testament) which described God in strictly monotheistic terms. But there were references in the Gospels (particularly John) which stated that Jesus was Lord. There were two main theories about the deity of Jesus at the time:
Arius (250 - 336 CE) argued that Jesus and God were very separate and different entities: Jesus was closer to God than any other human being, but he was born a man, and had no prior existence. On the other hand, God has been in existence forever. Arius felt that any attempt to recognize the deity of Christ would blur the lines between Christianity and the Pagan religions. To have separate two gods, the Father and Jesus, would convert Christianity to a polytheistic religion.
Athanasius (296 - 373) argued that Jesus must be divine, because otherwise, he could not be the Savior.

Both Arius and Athanasius had large, closely matched followings among the bishops. The council, under pressure from Emperor Constantine, resolved its deadlock by a close vote in favor of Athanasius. They produced the Nicene Creed, which declared that Jesus Christ was "of one substance with the Father." This did not immediately settle the question of the divinity of Christ; many bishops and churches refused to accept the council's decision for decades."

So, a close vote decided the question of rather Jesus was Divine. The later councils refined this decision to stating that Jesus was both Divine and human, "that Christ had two natures which were without confusion, without change, without division, without separation." (The Council of Chalcedon - 451 CE) Anyone who differed with the official version was branded a heretic and punished.

Here is another quote from the same web site in regards to the recent Jesus Seminar in which a group of the worlds foremost theologians tried to figure out what Jesus actually said and did - (I want to note here that these were theologians who are considered liberal by fundamentalists):

(Some of the) Conclusions of the Jesus Seminar:
"The gospel of John represents a religious tradition that is independent from the synoptic gospels (Mark, Matthew, and Luke). They differ so much that either John or the synoptic gospels must be largely abandoned in the quest for an understanding of Jesus' actual sayings and acts. The Seminar largely rejected John.
Many of Jesus' followers previously followed John the Baptist.
Jesus rarely spoke of himself in the first person. The many "I am" statements in John originated from the gospel author, not from Jesus.
Jesus did not claim to be the Messiah
Jesus did not claim to be God.
Jesus probably talked to his followers and preached in Aramaic. The books in the Christian Scriptures are written in Greek. Thus, even those parts of the Gospels that Jesus is believed to have said, are actually translations into Greek of his original words.
About 18% of the sayings of Jesus recorded in the 4 canonical gospels and Thomas rated a red or pink rating (Jesus definitely or probably said it). The remaining passages attributed to Jesus were actually created by the gospel writers.

These scholars concluded that 18% of the sayings attributed to Jesus were accurate. Jesus was declared divine by a close vote in a highly politically charged atmosphere. These don't sound like the types of information that would indicate that the Bible is a reliable source of information.

It is so important to realize that what is being taught in Christian Churches now is not what has always been taught there. That the bible has changed, been translated, modified to fit the needs (often political and economic) of the church at the time.

(In kind of a comical side note here - The Jesus Seminar concluded that the Gospel of John was so inaccurate as to be completely unreliable - in my few minutes of searching I found a web site that claims that Mary Magdalene was the true author of Gospel of John)

(I also want to note that any "hodge podge", any "chosen because of political factors", any "unknown author writing down rumors" any "accidents or coincidences" ultimately serve Divine Plan. The Bible is the inspired Word of God (so is Shakespeare for that matter) - but not taken literally. When translated in Metaphysical terms there is great Truth in the Bible.)

Here is an excerpt from my book about the bible.

The Bible

As one example of this, I am going to discuss the Bible for a moment, because it has been such a powerful force in shaping the attitudes of Western Civilization.

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So the Bible does contain Truth - it also contains a lot of distortion. The Bible was translated many times. It was translated by male Codependents.

I am going to share with you a short excerpt from a recently published book. I have not read this book and cannot tell you much about it. I have read a review of this book which appeared in California magazine in November of 1990. What I am sharing here is from that review.

I offer this to you: Not to say that this new translation of the Bible is right and the old one is wrong - it is for you to decide which one feels more like Truth to you. I offer this as I offer everything else that I am sharing here - as an alternate perspective for you to consider.

This book is called The Book of J. It was written by two men - one of whom is a former head of the Jewish Publication Society, the other is a professor of humanities at Yale University. What they have done in this book is to extract what they believe is one voice from the Old Testament. The Old Testament is a compilation of writings by many different writers. That is why there are two conflicting versions of the Creation in Genesis - because it was written by two different people.

They have taken the voice of one of those writers, gone back as far as they could to the original language, and translated it from a different perspective.

Here is a short excerpt from the Old Testament as an example of the difference between their translation and the traditional version. The traditional version is taken from the King James Bible, Genesis 3:16. It says: "And thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee".

Sounds like the normal patriarchal, sexist tone in which we have always accepted that the Bible was written.

Here is the new translation of the exact same phrase: "To your man's body your belly will rise, for he shall be eager above you".

Now to me, "rule over you" and "eager above you" mean two very different things - it actually seems pretty close to being a 180 degree swing in perspective. This new translation sounds as if there is nothing shameful about sex. As if maybe it is not bad to have a normal human sex drive, maybe it is not True that the flesh is weak and the spirit exists somewhere way out there.

The reviewer (Greil Marcus, California magazine, November 1990, Vol. 15, No.11), without ever quite perceiving the shame connection, says that this book "...is an act of violence...to what we think we know". He says that, "...it's a great change, in the way one sees the human condition". He also states that, "The differences...are many and profound..." and include "... the replacement of man became a living soul with man becomes a creature of flesh" - without the distinction between soul and flesh, Christianity, or, as Michael Ventura calls it, Christianism, dissolves. This retranslation shows that basic misconception and misunderstanding may be at the heart, at the foundation of Western Civilization, or to quote the reviewer, "In other words, the argument is that within Jewish, Christian, and Islamic civilization, certainly within Western Civilization, at its heart - or at its foundation - is a ruin".

What he could not quite put his finger on as the act of violence against the very core of Jewish, Christian, and Islamic civilization is that what this book seems to do is to take the shame out of being human - of being creatures of flesh. There is no shame in being human. We are not being punished by God. It just feels like it sometimes.

Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney

This segues very nicely into:

3. Indecency

You wrote: Would you be kind enough to reply where in the Bible talks about Jesus having humanly desire with Mary Magdalene or even displayed any indecency?

That your response to my saying "Jesus also had sensual and sexual desires and a mate and lover in Mary Magdalene." - is to equate this to indecency brings up feelings of sadness for me. That one of God's greatest gifts to us - the ability to Touch with Love - has been twisted in our culture into something shameful and indecent is one of the great tragedies of the human condition - in my view.

Here is a quote from my book about my beliefs:

"The gift of touch is an incredibly wonderful gift. One of the reasons we are here is to touch each other physically as well as Spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. Touch is not bad or shameful. Our creator did not give us sensual and sexual sensations that feel so wonderful just to set us up to fail some perverted, sadistic life test. Any concept of god that includes the belief that the flesh and the Spirit cannot be integrated, that we will be punished for honoring our powerful human desires and needs, is - in my belief - a sadly twisted, distorted, and false concept that is reversed to the Truth of a Loving God-Force.

We need to strive for balance and integration in our relationships. We need to touch in healthy, appropriate, emotionally honest ways - so that we can honor our human bodies and the gift that is physical touch.

Making Love is a celebration and a way of honoring the Masculine and Feminine Energy of the Universe (and the masculine and feminine energy within no matter what genders are involved), a way of honoring its perfect interaction and harmony. It is a blessed way of honoring the Creative Source.

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One of the most blessed and beautiful gifts of being in body is the ability to feel on a sensual level. Because we have been doing human backwards, we have been deprived of the pleasure of enjoying our bodies in a guilt-free, shame-free, manner. By striving for integration and balance we can start to enjoy our human experience - on a sensual level as well as on the emotional, mental, and Spiritual levels.

As we learn the dance of Recovery, as we tune into the energy of Truth, we can reverse our emotional experience of being human so that most of the time it can feel more like a wonderful summer camp than a dreadful prison."

Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney

So, I do not believe that the idea of Jesus having the desires of a human male is indecent. Of course, the desires of human males have been raging out of balance and with no Spiritual foundation or emotional honesty for most of the history of this planet. Here is a quote from my column "Mothers Day":

"Women have been raped, not just physically by men, but also emotionally, mentally, and spiritually by the belief systems of "civilization" (both Western and Eastern) since the dawn of recorded history.

Those belief systems were the effect of planetary conditions which caused the Spiritual beings in human body to have a perspective of life, and therefore a relationship with life, that was polarized and reversed. This reversed, black and white, perspective of life caused humans to develop beliefs about the nature and purpose of life that were irrational, insane, and just plain stupid.

As just one small but significant example of this stupid, insane belief system, and the effect it had on determining the course of human development - including the scapegoating of women, consider the myth of Adam and Eve. "Poor" Adam, who was just being a man (that is, he just wants to get in Eve's pants) does what Eve wants him to and eats the apple. So Eve gets the blame. Now is that stupid or what? And you wondered where Codependence started.

The stupid, insane perspectives that form the foundation of civilized society on this planet dictated the course of human evolution and caused the human condition as we have inherited it. The human condition was not caused by men, it was caused by planetary conditions! (If you want to know more about those planetary conditions you'll have to read my book.) Men have been wounded by those planetary conditions just as much as women (albeit in quite different ways.)"

(The column "Mothers Day" by Robert Burney can be found on the web page Mothers & Fathers )

Men are supposed to have a strong sexual drive and be strongly attracted to women's bodies - it is part of the genetic programming to insure the survival of the species. It is the nature of the male animal of the human species to want to copulate with the female - that does not mean that I am in any way condoning the gross imbalance and Spiritual vacuum that has been manifested in human civilization around sex.

Part of the reason that there has been such an abusive and patriarchal structure to civilized society is because men have been baffled, confused, and scared of women since the dawn of recorded history. Women have the power to conceive life. There is no greater or more important power in the human species. A woman's ability to conceive and bring forth life gives women an opportunity and capacity to experience Love in a way no man ever can. Men have been jealous and terrified of the power of that Love - and of the power of their own desire to unite with and experience that Love - and reacted to their fear by attempting to subjugate, dominate, and diminish the inherent power of women.

Everything on the physical plane is a reflection of other levels. Ultimately, the strong sexual and sensual desires of human beings really have very little to do with the actual physical act of sex - the True compulsion to unite is about our wounded souls, about our endless, aching need to go home to the God/Goddess Energy. We want to reunite in ONENESS - in LOVE - because that is our True home.

Now, to come down from a metaphysical level to an individual personal level.

The abuse of my sexuality by the shaming religion I grew up in was compounded and magnified by the shame and fear of sexuality I saw in my role models and in society. I grew up in a society that reacted to a fundamental underlying belief that "the flesh is weak" and was incompatible with "decency" - at the same time it bowed to the power of the human sex drive by flaunting sex everywhere. In advertising, in fashion, in the media, books and music, etc. Talk about confusing and frustrating.

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In addition to the shame about sexuality - I had shame about being a man because of my fathers role modeling of what a man was, and societal and historical role modeling of how dreadfully "mankind" had abused women, children, and men, the weak and poor, anyone who was different, the planet, etc., throughout civilized history.

I spent years in recovery working on healing my relationship with my feminine energy and my inner children before it ever occurred to me that I needed to heal my masculine. So now I have spent years also working on healing my masculine. Part of that healing has been about accepting my sexuality and the "male animal" in me. We need to embrace all of the parts of ourselves in order to become whole. It is only by owning and accepting our "dark" sides that we can start to have a balanced relationship with ourselves. Just as I have to accept that I have a "King Baby" (who wants immediate gratification now) or a "romantic child" (who believes in fairy tales) or a fierce warrior (who wants to vaporize stupid drivers) inside of me so that I can own them and set boundaries for them - I have to accept that there is a "male animal" in me who does want to copulate with most every attractive woman I see. By owning that part of me I can set a boundary for it so that I am not reacting in a way that causes me to be a victim of myself or to victimize someone else.

It is not shameful to be human. It is not shameful to have a sex drive. It is not shameful to have emotional needs. Human beings need to be touched. Way too many of us are starving for touch and affection - and we have acted out sexually in dysfunctional ways to try to get those needs met which often causes us to be bitter and resentful (at the bottom of any resentment is the need to forgive ourselves.) In our codependent extremes we swing between picking the wrong people and isolating ourselves. We believe - because of our experience in reacting out of our disease - that the only choices are between an unhealthy relationship and being alone. It is tragic and sad.

It is tragic and sad that we live in a society where it is so hard for people to connect in a healthy way. It tragic and sad that we live in a society where so many people are touch deprived. But it is not shameful. We are human. We are wounded. We are products of the cultural environments we were raised in. We need to take the shame out of our relationship with our selves, and all the parts of our self, so that we can be healing our wounds enough to be able to make responsible choices. (re - sponse - able, as in ability to respond instead of just react our of old tapes and old wounds.)

I can't believe I got off into all that - the Spirit works in mysterious ways.

But to get back to your use of the word "indecent" and your usage of the term "human male" - it sounds like I pushed some buttons for you. I would guess that you have some very painful wounds around male - female relationships, that you have some painful wounds associated with your relationship with your father, that you have been sexually abused (I use the term here for conventional sexual abuse but also to include being degraded because of gender) in some way in either your childhood or adulthood - and probably both. I would speculate that you have had some experience with a shame based religion that taught/teaches that sexuality is sinful and shameful.

I am very sorry for your pain. I am sorry for your loneliness. I am sorry for your deprivation. I know them well.

4. Jesus & Mary Magdalene

First of all I will offer a quote from the article referred to in the question:
Christ Consciousness

"We all have available to us - within - a direct channel to the Highest Vibrational Frequency Range within The Illusion. That highest range involves consciousness of the Glory of ONENESS. It is called Cosmic Consciousness. It is called Christ Consciousness.

This is the energy that Jesus was tuned into, and he stated very plainly, "These things that I do, you can do also." - by atoning, by tuning in.

We have access to the Christ Energy within. We have begun the Second Coming of the message of Love."

Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney

Jesus, in my opinion, was the most important Master Teacher in the history of humankind. The reason he was so important was that he taught Love. He carried the message of a Loving God-Force.

Jesus was a perfect Spiritual Being, a direct extension/manifestation from the ONENESS that is the God/Goddess Energy, having a human experience - just as we all are perfect Spiritual Beings having a human experience. What made Jesus different is that he was more en-Light-ened, more tuned in to the energy of Light and Love, more conscious of the Truth of ONENESS. That does not mean that he was able to be emotionally tuned into that Truth all of the time - no human can be. It meant that he carried a Knowing of that Truth and Love with him - integrated into his emotional responses to life. He was human - he did get angry, scared and afraid, he did have a dark side and know despair at times. Jesus also had sensual and sexual desires and a mate and lover in Mary Magdalene.

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(This column "Christ Consciousness" appears on the Jesus and Christ Consciousness page of my web site.)

I am going to be doing extensive research and receiving more insight and understanding about Jesus and his life when it is time for me to write about him in Book 2 of my Trilogy. So for now I am going to give you the short answer to your question and then share a few things I pulled off the internet to demonstrate some of the different points of view.
Short answer:

I believe that Jesus and Mary Magdalene were lovers and mates because it feels like the Truth to me.

This is the bottom line for me - it feels right, it feels like Truth to me.

In searching the internet one of the things I came across a novel about Mary Magdalene as Jesus' mate. I am going to be very interested in exploring this web site further and reading this novel. Here is the info:

Maria of Magdala is the legendary Mary Magdalene. She was thought to be Jesus' closest female companion. In the new novel currently reaching the market place, Two Thousand Years Later ... by International Travel Lecturer and Cambridge theologian Peter Longley, Maria of Magdala is actually Jesus' lover, and although unknown to Jesus at the time of his death, she becomes the mother of their son Ben Joshua.

next: A New Age of Healing and Joy

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 27). Jesus and Mary Magdalene - Jesus, Sexuality and the Bible, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, October 4 from https://www.healthyplace.com/relationships/joy2meu/jesus-and-mary-magdalene-jesus-sexuality-and-the-bible

Last Updated: August 7, 2014

Personality and Illness

HealthyPlace.com Staff Writer

The role of hope and faith in how we adapt to change and feel about our lives.

An Excerpt from BirthQuake: A Journey to Wholeness

"The last place we tend to look for healing is within ourselves."
-- Wayne Muller

Personality and Illness Medical sociologist, Aaron Antonovsky, after conducting several studies regarding personality characteristics that serve to promote well being, concluded that it's a sense of coherence within the individual that produces health. This sense of coherence is comprised of three components: (1) comprehensibility, (2) manageability, and (3) meaningfulness.

When we view the world as comprehensible, we perceive it as making sense, possessing some sort of structure, and offering some level of predictability. When we believe the world is manageable, then we feel able for the most part to meet the demands of life, having faith that one way or another we'll be able to cope with our circumstances. The meaning that we attach to a situation not only effects how we'll respond to it emotionally, but impacts our physiological responses as well. Antonovsky proposes that when we possess a strong sense of coherence, we tend to view the challenges that confront us as opportunities rather than as threats, consequently minimizing their stressful effects. Research indicates that when we simply anticipate an experience that we expect will be positive, or think about something that makes us feel good, positive changes occur in our bodies as well.

Liz, a lovely and energetic woman with whom I worked had a near fatal heart attack at the age of forty-five. She was lying on a gurney in excruciating pain while emergency workers scrambled to save her life when she was struck by the chilling awareness that she could be dying. Liz wrote:

"You read about it in the paper just about every morning, some middle aged man or women with growing children has died suddenly. It happened all of the time, and now it was happening to me. 'I'm dying' I thought in amazement. This is it. I'm no exception. I'm just an obituary in the morning paper in the grand scheme of things. No warning, no second chances, no negotiating or compromising, just over and out.

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I had lived my life with such warped priorities, giving far too much weight to deadlines at work, dust on the furniture, and children with dirty fingernails. Right before having my attack, I'd been obsessing over a memo I needed to send to my boss. I'd hardly slept the night before, writing it over-and-over again in my head. After I sent it off, I was a nervous wreck, imagining that he'd conclude that I hadn't adequately planned for a very important project that I'd been assigned. Well here I was dying, and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wasn't prepared. All of the sudden, that memo and my boss's approval meant absolutely nothing.

They say you see your life flash before your eyes when you're dying. Well in a way I did see my life pass before me in snap shots. I watched a replay of Tina slamming the door in tears that morning. I remembered the discouraged look on Patrick's face the night before when he realized that I hadn't been listening to him again. I recalled how warm the sun had felt on my skin as I hurried to get into the car, and how I'd never gotten around to watching the morning news with my husband. I thought of a friend who'd listened to me complain over and over-and-over again of never having enough time. She'd suggested that when I got the chance, I should write an essay entitled 'When I have the time...'

The recovery process was a time of reckoning for me. Faced with a significantly damaged heart, numerous uncertainties, and borrowed time on my hands, I began to write that essay.

An old friend had brought me in a magazine article stating that the United States had been hit with a potentially deadly epidemic. This malady was said to be one of the top five reasons that people call their doctors, was the culprit behind one of every four health complaints, and was one of the leading causes of early death. What was this terrible affliction? A lack of joy.

My life, a privileged one by even my standards, contained far too much stress and way too few pleasures. The greatest irony was that most of the stress that I now firmly believe led to my heart breaking down, was self-imposed, and the absence of pleasure was related to my own self denial.

I took notes while I read the article. It suggested that in order to experience more joy, I needed to work on patience, unity, agreement, humility, and kindness. I made a commitment that when I left the hospital I would do the following:

I would strive to be more patient. I would take deep breaths, stop behaving as almost every task before me was an emergency, slow down, and ask myself when I started to become agitated or upset, 'How important is this in the grand scheme of things?' One brief flashback of the emergency room usually serves to put things in perspective.
I would pay attention to my body by listening to and responding to its' signals. I would take more time to really connect with other people, concentrating on the moment and being as present as possible. I would spend some time each day in prayer, or meditating, or spending a few moments in nature.
I would work to stop over reacting to those things I had little or no control over and begin to view each experience as an opportunity to learn instead of as a potential threat. In fact, I would make a decision to view the whole of my life as a learning process rather than a race I had to run, or a deadly serious game in which it was important to score the most points possible.
I would try to acknowledge my weaknesses as undeniable aspects of my humanness. When I took the time to fully appreciate how my flesh, (just like the flesh of every other person in the world) was ultimately so very vulnerable, then striving for perfection began to seem ridiculous.
I decided that in the best interest of both my physical, emotional, and spiritual health, I would work on being kinder."

It would appear that Liz is doing a wonderful job keeping her commitments judging by the healthy glow of her skin, the twinkle in her eyes, and the relaxed, graceful movements of her body.

I recall a winter day long ago when my sister-in-law and brother-in-law dropped by. My sister-in-law was her radiant, cheerful self; however, I was immediately concerned about my brother-in-law who appeared drawn, tired and depressed. I asked him what was wrong. He informed me that they had finally managed to save a few hundred dollars in the bank (they had been struggling financially for years in spite of their very hard work) when they received news that they owed the IRS over two hundred dollars. Once again their savings would be wiped out. "It seems like someone is watching me, just waiting to stomp me back down every time I get my head up," he complained. My sister-in-law immediately replied, "Did you ever think that maybe someone is watching over you, and that when we could have been in trouble by not having the money to pay the taxes, lo and behold, there it was!" I was struck by the effect of this event on these two very special people. The experience was the same for both, and yet the way it was experienced, was vastly different. It created anxiousness, discouragement, and weariness in one, while it fostered appreciation, gratitude and peace in the other.

Kenneth Pelletier in "Mind as Healer, Mind as Slayer," points out that between 50 to 80 percent of all diseases have psychosomatic or stress-related origins. According to Pelletier, any disorder is the result of a complex interaction of physical and psychological stress, social factors, the personality of the individual, and his or her inability to adapt adequately to the stressors.

Victor Frankl, in "Man's Search for Meaning," recalled the death of a fellow concentration camp prisoner, as he wrote of the deadly effect of losing hope and courage in the camps. The prisoner had confided in Frankl that he had had a prophetic dream which informed him that the camp would be liberated on March 30th. Frankl's companion was filled with hope. As March 30th grew nearer, the war news remained bleak. It seemed highly unlikely that Frankl and his companions would be free by the promised date. On March 29th, Frankl's companion suddenly became ill, running a high temperature. On the 30th, the day the prisoner had believed he was to be rescued, he became delirious and lost consciousness. On March 31st, he died.

Frankl believed that the terrible disappointment his friend faced when liberation did not occur had lowered his body's resistance against infection and consequently allowed him to become victim to illness.

Frankl also pointed out that the death rate in the concentration camp during the week between Christmas and New Years in 1944, dramatically increased beyond all previous experience. The camp physician concluded (and Frankl concurred) that the higher death rate was due to the prisoners' disappointment and loss of courage. Many of them had hoped that they would be freed and home again by Christmas. When their hopes proved to be in vain, their powers of resistance dropped dramatically and a number of them died. The presence of hope and faith not only provides comfort, it can also save lives.

next:For Everything There Is A Season

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 27). Personality and Illness, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, October 4 from https://www.healthyplace.com/alternative-mental-health/sageplace/personality-and-illness

Last Updated: July 17, 2014

Pass It On

HealthyPlace.com Staff Writer

A short essay on the importance and benefits of passing on acts of kindness.

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"Practice Random Kindness & Senseless Acts of Beauty."

Anne Herbert

Life Letters

Yesterday was one of those days that we each experience from time to time, when one thing after another goes wrong. My VCR had eaten our only copy of a video starring my daughter as an infant, my dog had badly mangled a text book, my car battery died, my daughter missed the school bus, and every single traffic light that I approached turned red. Ten minutes before an important meeting I needed to attend was scheduled to begin, I sat at yet another traffic light. Feeling more than a little agitated, I glanced out my window. In the car beside me was a white haired woman who waved, and then gifted me with one of the most beautiful smiles I've ever seen. It was a smile that seemed to say, "I see you, I appreciate what I see, and I'm wishing you wonderful things." I smiled back at her, and almost immediately my irritation slipped away. This brief encounter triggered the memory of another winter day, one that took place close to two decades ago.

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I was sitting in a crowded restaurant with a wise and caring professor who said something that caused the pain and confusion I'd been secretly struggling with to rush to the surface. Surrounded by strangers, to my absolute horror and humiliation, I burst into tears. When I gained a modicum of self-control, he gently urged me to talk to him, to share my burden. And so I did. I talked, and talked, and talked some more.

J. Isham wrote, "listening is an attitude of the heart, a genuine desire to be with another which both attracts and heals." And this is how he listened to me, with his heart. He was an extraordinarily busy man confronting numerous demands that day. But still he sat with me, and listened, focusing so intently that I felt completely understood and embraced by his caring and compassion. When we finally got ready to leave, I thanked him and asked, "How can I repay you?" He smiled gently, took me in his arms and replied, "Dearest lady, pass it on, just pass it on."

We've all been wounded by the thoughtlessness, impatience, and even cruelty of others, but more importantly, we've each been graced by countless acts of kindness as well.

This past spring, my father offered to help me build a trellis for my little garden. We went to the hardware store, purchased our materials, and discovered when we returned to my car that we couldn't possibly fit them all in my little Honda. As we futilely struggled to bend and twist and manipulate, a stranger approached, informed us that she'd noticed our dilemma, told us to load our hardware into the body of her pickup, and offered to take it all to where it needed to go. I thanked her, feeling more than a little incredulous, and politely declined her kind offer. She insisted. Eventually I found myself sitting beside her on my way home, with my purchases in the back of her old pickup, and my father trailing behind us, as stunned I suspect as I was.

Once we arrived at my house and had unloaded the truck, I offered to pay her. She refused and would not be dissuaded. I told her that she must be one of those angels I'd been hearing about. She laughed and replied, "Honey, we're all angels."

As I write, I can see the trellis Dad and I built together outside of my window. It's a slightly crooked and yet beloved symbol that has come to represent a father's love, and a stranger's kindness. And even more than that, one that silently speaks to me, whispering, "Pass it on, Pass it on, Pass it on...."

next:Life Letters: Reflections from the Rear View Mirror

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 27). Pass It On, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, October 4 from https://www.healthyplace.com/alternative-mental-health/sageplace/pass-it-on

Last Updated: July 17, 2014

Mourning the Narcissist

HealthyPlace.com Staff Writer

Watch the video on Why Victims of Narcissists Can't Let Go the Narcissist?

Question:

If the narcissist is as abusive as you say - why do we react so badly when he leaves?

Answer:

At the commencement of the relationship, the Narcissist is a dream-come-true. He is often intelligent, witty, charming, good looking, an achiever, empathetic, in need of love, loving, caring, attentive and much more. He is the perfect bundled answer to the nagging questions of life: finding meaning, companionship, compatibility and happiness. He is, in other words, ideal.

It is difficult to let go of this idealized figure. Relationships with narcissists inevitably and invariably end with the dawn of a double realisation. The first is that one has been (ab)used by the narcissist and the second is that one was regarded by the narcissist as a disposable, dispensable and interchangeable instrument (object).

The assimilation of this new gained knowledge is an excruciating process, often unsuccessfully completed. People get fixated at different stages. They fail to come to terms with their rejection as human beings - the most total form of rejection there is.

We all react to loss. Loss makes us feel helpless and objectified. When our loved ones die - we feel that Nature or God or Life treated us as playthings. When we divorce (especially if we did not initiate the break-up), we often feel that we have been exploited and abused in the relationship, that we are being "dumped", that our needs and emotions are ignored. In short, we feel objectified.

Losing the narcissist is no different to any other major loss in life. It provokes a cycle of bereavement and grief (as well as some kind of mild post traumatic stress syndrome in cases of severe abuse). This cycle has four phases: denial, rage, sadness and acceptance.

Denial can assume many forms. Some go on pretending that the narcissist is still a part of their life, even going to the extreme of "interacting" with the narcissist by pretending to "communicate" with him or to "meet" him. Others develop persecutory delusions, thus incorporating the imaginary narcissist into their lives as an ominous and dark presence. This ensures "his" continued "interest" in them - however malevolent and threatening that "interest" is perceived to be. These are radical denial mechanisms, which border on the psychotic and often dissolve into brief psychotic micro-episodes.

More benign and transient forms of denial include the development of ideas of reference. The narcissist's every move or utterance is interpreted to be directed at the suffering person and to carry a hidden message which can be "decoded" only by the recipient. Others deny the very narcissistic nature of the narcissist attributing to him ignorance, mischief or vicious intentions. This denial mechanism leads them to believe that the narcissist is really not a narcissist but someone who is not aware of his "true" being, or someone who enjoys mind games and toying with people's lives, or part of a dark conspiracy to defraud and abuse gullible victims. Often the narcissist is depicted as obsessed or possessed - imprisoned by his "invented" condition and, really, a nice and gentle and lovable person. At the healthier end of the spectrum of denial reactions is the classical denial of loss - the disbelief, the hope that the narcissist may return, the suspension and repression of all information to the contrary.

Denial in mentally healthy people quickly evolves into rage. There are a few types of rage. It can be focussed and directed at the narcissist, at other facilitators of the loss, such as the narcissist's lover, or at specific circumstances. It can be directed at oneself - which often leads to depression, suicidal ideation, self-mutilation and, in some cases, suicide. Or, it can be diffuse, all-pervasive, all-encompassing and engulfing. Such loss-related rage can be intense and in bursts or osmotic and permeate the whole emotional landscape.

Rage gives place to sadness. It is the sadness of the trapped animal, an existential angst mixed with acute depression. It involves dysphoria (inability to rejoice, to be optimistic, or expectant) and anhedonia (inability to enjoy, to experience pleasure, or to find meaning in life). It is a paralysing sensation, which slows one down and enshrouds everything in the grey veil of randomness. It all looks meaningless and empty.

This, in turn, gives place to gradual acceptance and renewed activity. The narcissist is gone both physically and mentally. The void left in his wake still hurts and pangs of regret and hope still exist. But, on the whole, the narcissist is transformed into a narrative, a symbol, another life experience, a truism and a (tedious) clichÃ©. He is no longer omni-present and the person entertains no delusions as to the one-sided and abusive nature of the relationship or as to the possibility and desirability of its renewal.

next: Self-Defeating and Self-Destructive Behaviours

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 27). Mourning the Narcissist, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, October 4 from https://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/mourning-the-narcissist

Last Updated: July 8, 2016

Narcissists, Inverted Narcissists and Schizoids

Sam Vaknin

Question:

Some narcissists are not gregarious. They avoid social events and are stay-at-home recluses. Doesn't this behaviour go against the grain of narcissism?

Answer:

I. The Common Psychological Constructs of Narcissistic and Schizoid Disorders

Or, as the Howard H. Goldman (Ed.) in the "Review of General Psychiatry" [4th Edition. London, Prentice Hall International, 1995] puts it:

"The person with Schizoid Personality Disorder sustains a fragile emotional equilibrium by avoiding intimate personal contact and thereby minimising conflict that is poorly tolerated."

Schizoids are often described, even by their nearest and dearest, in terms of automata ("robots"). They are uninterested in social relationships or interactions and have a very limited emotional repertoire. It is not that they do not have emotions, but they express them poorly and intermittently. They appear cold and stunted, flat, and "zombie"-like. Consequently, these people are loners. They confide only in first-degree relatives, but maintain no close bonds or associations, not even with their immediate family. Naturally, they gravitate into solitary activities and find solace and safety in being constantly alone. Their sexual experiences are sporadic and limited and, finally, they cease altogether.

Schizoids are anhedonic - find nothing pleasurable and attractive - but not necessarily dysphoric (sad or depressed). Some schizoid are asexual and resemble the cerebral narcissist. They pretend to be indifferent to praise, criticism, disagreement, and corrective advice (though, deep inside, they are not). They are creatures of habit, frequently succumbing to rigid, predictable, and narrowly restricted routines.

Intuitively, a connection between SPD and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) seems plausible. After all, narcissists are people who self-sufficiently withdraw from others. They love themselves in lieu of loving others. Lacking empathy, they regard others as mere instruments, objectified "Sources" of Narcissistic Supply.

The inverted narcissist (IN) is a narcissist who "projects" his narcissism onto another narcissist. The mechanism of projective identification allows the IN to experience his own narcissism vicariously, through the agency of a classic narcissist. But the IN is no less a narcissist than the classical one. He is no less socially reclusive.

A distinction must be made between social interactions and social relationships. The schizoid, the narcissist and the inverted narcissist all interact socially. But they fail to form human and social relationships (bonds). The schizoid is uninterested and the narcissist is both uninterested and incapable to due to his lack of empathy and pervasive sense of grandiosity.

The psychologist H. Deutsch first suggested the construct of "as-if personality" in the context of schizoid patients (in an article, published in 1942 and titled "Some forms of emotional disturbance and their relationship to schizophrenia"). A decade later, Winnicott named the very same idea as the "False-self Personality". The False Self has thus been established as the driving engine of both pathological narcissism and pathological schizoid states.

Both C. R. Cloninger and N. McWilliams (in "Psychoanalytic Diagnosis", 1994) observed the "faintly contemptuous (attitude) ... (and) isolated superiority" of the schizoid - clearly narcissistic traits.

Theodore Millon and Roger Davis summed it up in their seminal tome, "Personality Disorders in Modern Life" (2000):

"Where withdrawal has an arrogant or oppositional quality, fantasy in a schizoidlike person sometimes betrays the presence of a secret grandiose self that longs for respect and recognition while offsetting fears that the person is really an iconoclastic freak. These individuals combine aspects of the compensating narcissist with the autistic isolation of the schizoid, while lacking the asocial and anhedonic qualities of the pure prototype." (p. 328)

I. Cultural Considerations in Narcissistic and Schizoid Disorders

The ethno-psychologist George Devereux [Basic Problems of Ethno-Psychiatry, University of Chicago Press, 1980] proposed to divide the unconscious into the Id (the part that is instinctual and unconscious) and the "ethnic unconscious" (repressed material that was once conscious). The latter includes all the defence mechanisms and most of the Superego.

Culture dictates what is to be repressed. Mental illness is either idiosyncratic (cultural directives are not followed and the individual is unique, eccentric, and schizophrenic) - or conformist, abiding by the cultural dictates of what is allowed and disallowed.

Our culture, according to Christopher Lasch, teaches us to withdraw inwards when confronted with stressful situations. It is a vicious circle. One of the main stressors of modern society is alienation and a pervasive sense of isolation. The solution our culture offers - to further withdraw - only exacerbates the problem.

Richard Sennett expounded on this theme in "The Fall of Public Man: On the Social Psychology of Capitalism" [Vintage Books, 1978]. One of the chapters in Devereux's aforementioned tome is entitled "Schizophrenia: An Ethnic Psychosis, or Schizophrenia without Tears". To him, the United States is afflicted by what came later to be called a "schizoid disorder".

C. Fred Alford [in Narcissism: Socrates, the Frankfurt School and Psychoanalytic Theory, Yale University Press, 1988] enumerates the symptoms:

"...withdrawal, emotional aloofness, hyporeactivity (emotional flatness), sex without emotional involvement, segmentation and partial involvement (lack of interest and commitment to things outside oneself), fixation on oral-stage issues, regression, infantilism and depersonalisation. These, of course, are many of the same designations that Lasch employs to describe the culture of narcissism. Thus, it appears, that it is not misleading to equate narcissism with schizoid disorder." [Page 19]

III. The Common Psychodynamic Roots of Narcissistic and Schizoid Disorders

The first to seriously consider the similarity, if not outright identity, between the schizoid and the narcissistic disorders was Melanie Klein. She broke ranks with Freud in that she believed that we are born with a fragile, brittle, weak and unintegrated Ego. The most primordial human fear is the fear of disintegration (death), according to Klein.

Thus, the infant is forced to employ primitive defence mechanisms such as splitting, projection and introjection to cope with this fear (actually, with the result of aggression generated by the Ego). The Ego splits and projects this part (death, disintegration, aggression). It does the same with the life-related, constructive, integrative part of itself.

As a result of all these mechanics, the infant views the world as either "good" (satisfying, complying, responding, gratifying) - or bad (frustrating). Klein called it the good and the bad "breasts". The child then proceeds to introject (internalise and assimilate) the good object while keeping out (defending against) the bad objects. The good object becomes the nucleus of the forming Ego. The bad object is felt as fragmented. But it has not vanished, it is there.

The fact that the bad object is "out there", persecutory, threatening - gives rise to the first schizoid defence mechanisms, foremost amongst them the mechanism of "projective identification" (so often employed by narcissists). The infant projects parts of himself (his organs, his behaviours, his traits) unto the bad object. This is the famous Kleinian "paranoid-schizoid position". The Ego is split.

This is as terrifying as it sounds but it allows the baby to make a clear distinction between the "good object" (inside him) and the "bad object" (out there, split from him). If this phase is not transcended the individual develops schizophrenia and a fragmentation of the self.

Around the third or fourth month of life, the infant realises that the good and the bad objects are really facets of one and the same object. He develops the depressive position. This depression [Klein believes that the two positions continue throughout life] is a reaction of fear and anxiety.

The infant feels guilty (at his own rage) and anxious (lest his aggression harms the object and eliminates the source of good things). He experiences the loss of his own omnipotence since the object is now outside his self. The infant wishes to erase the results of his own aggression by "making the object whole again". By recognising the wholeness of other objects, the infant comes to realise and to experience his own wholeness. The Ego re-integrates.

But the transition from the paranoid-schizoid position to the depressive one is by no means smooth and assured. Excess anxiety and envy can delay it or prevent it altogether. Envy seeks to destroy all good objects, so that others don't have them. It, therefore, hinders the split between the good and the bad "breasts". Envy destroys the good object but leaves the persecutory, bad object intact.

Moreover, envy does not allow re-integration ["reparation" in Kleinian jargon] to take place. The more whole the object - the greater the destructive envy. Thus, envy feeds on its own outcomes. The more envy, the less integrated the Ego is, the weaker and more inadequate it is - and the more reason for envying the good object and other people.

Both the narcissist and the schizoid are examples of development arrested due to envy and other transformations of aggression.

Consider pathological narcissism.

Envy is the hallmark of narcissism and the prime source of what is known as narcissistic rage. The schizoid self - fragmented, weak, primitive - is intimately connected with narcissism through envy. Narcissists prefer to destroy themselves and to deny themselves rather than endure someone else's happiness, wholeness and "triumph".

The narcissist fail his exams in order to frustrate the teacher he adores and envies. He aborts his therapy in order not to give the therapist a reason to feel gratified. By self-defeating and self-destructing, narcissists deny the worth of others. If the narcissist fails in therapy - his analyst must be inept. If he destroys himself by consuming drugs - his parents are blameworthy and should feel guilty and bad. One cannot exaggerate the importance of envy as a motivating power in the narcissist's life.

The psychodynamic connection is obvious. Envy is a rage reaction to not controlling or "having" or engulfing the good, desired object. Narcissists defend themselves against this acidulous, corroding sensation by pretending that they do control, possess and engulf the good object. This are the narcissist's "grandiose fantasies (of omnipotence or omniscience

But, in doing so, the narcissist must deny the existence of any good outside himself. The narcissist defends himself against raging, all consuming envy - by solipsistically claiming to be the only good object in the world. This is an object that cannot be had by anyone, except the narcissist and, therefore, is immune to the narcissist's threatening, annihilating envy.

In order to refrain from being "owned" by anyone (and, thus, avoid self-destruction in the hands of his own envy), the narcissist reduces others to "non-entities" (the narcissistic solution), or completely avoids all meaningful contact with them (the schizoid solution).

The suppression of envy is at the core of the narcissist's being. If he fails to convince his self that he is the only good object in the universe, he is bound to be exposed to his own murderous envy. If there are others out there who are better than him, he envies them, he lashes out at them ferociously, uncontrollably, madly, hatefully and spitefully, he tries to eliminate them.

If someone tries to get emotionally intimate with the narcissist, she threatens the grandiose belief that no one but the narcissist can possess the good object (that is the narcissist himself). Only the narcissist can own himself, have access to himself, possess himself. This is the only way to avoid seething envy and certain self-annihilation. Perhaps it is clearer now why narcissists react as raving madmen to anything, however minute, however remote that seems to threaten their grandiose fantasies, the only protective barrier between themselves and their lethal, seething envy.

There is nothing new in trying to link narcissism to schizophrenia. Freud did as much in his "On Narcissism" [1914]. Klein's contribution was the introduction of immediately post-natal internal objects. Schizophrenia, she proposed, was a narcissistic and intense relationship with internal objects (such as fantasies or images, including fantasies of grandeur). She proposed a new language.

Freud suggested a transition from (primary, object-less) narcissism (self-directed libido) to objects relations (objects directed libido). Klein suggested a transition from internal objects to external ones. While Freud thought that the denominator common to narcissism and schizoid phenomena is a withdrawal of libido from the world - Klein suggested it was a fixation on an early phase of relating to internal objects.

But is the difference not merely semantic?

"The term 'narcissism' tends to be employed diagnostically by those proclaiming loyalty to the drive model [Otto Kernberg and Edith Jacobson, for instance - SV] and mixed model theorists [Kohut], who are interested in preserving a tie to drive theory. 'Schizoid' tends to be employed diagnostically by adherents of relational models [Fairbairn, Guntrip], who are interested in articulating their break with drive theory... These two differing diagnoses and accompanying formulations are applied to patients who are essentially similar, by theorists who start with very different conceptual premises and ideological affiliations."

(Greenberg and Mitchell. Object Relations in Psychoanalytic Theory. Harvard University Press, 1983)

Klein, in effect, said that drives (e.g., the libido) are relational flows. A drive is the mode of relationship between an individual and his objects (internal and external). Thus, a retreat from the world [Freud] into internal objects [as postulated by object relations theorists and especially the British school of Fairbairn and Guntrip] - is the drive itself.

Drives are orientations (to external or internal objects). Narcissism is an orientation (a preference, we could say) towards internal objects - the very definition of schizoid phenomena as well. This is why narcissists feel empty, fragmented, "unreal", and diffuse. It is because their Ego is still split (never integrated) and because they had withdrawn from the world (of external objects).

Kernberg identifies these internal objects with which the narcissist maintains a special relationship with the idealised, grandiose images of the narcissist's parents. He believes that the narcissist's very Ego (self-representation) had fused with these parental images.

Fairbairn's work - even more than Kernberg's, not to mention Kohut's - integrates all these insights into a coherent framework. Guntrip elaborated on it and together they created one of the most impressive theoretical bodies in the history of psychology.

Fairbairn internalised Klein's insights that drives are object-orientated and their goal is the formation of relationships and not primarily the attainment of pleasure. Pleasurable sensations are the means to achieve relationships. The Ego does not seek to be stimulated and pleased but to find the right, "good", supporting object. The infant is fused with his Primary Object, the mother.

Life is not about using objects for pleasure under the supervision of the Ego and Superego, as Freud suggested. Life is about separating, differentiating, individuating, and achieving independence from the Primary Object and the initial state of fusion with it. Dependence on internal objects is narcissism. Freud's post-narcissistic (anaclitic) phase of life can be either dependent (immature) or mature.

The newborn's Ego is looking for objects with which to form relationships. Inevitably, some of these objects and some of these relationships frustrate the infant and disappoint him. He compensates for these setbacks by creating compensatory internal objects. The initially unitary Ego thus fragments into a growing group of internal objects. Reality breaks our hearts and minds, according to Fairbairn. The Ego and its objects are "twinned" and the Ego is split in three [or four, according to Guntrip, who introduced a fourth Ego]. A schizoid state ensues.

The "original" (Freudian or libidinal) Ego is unitary, instinctual, needy and object seeking. It then fragments as a result of the three typical interactions with the mother (gratification, disappointment and deprivation). The central Ego idealises the "good" parents. It is conformist and obedient. The antilibidinal Ego is a reaction to frustrations. It is rejecting, harsh, unsatisfying, dead set against one's natural needs. The libidinal Ego is the seat of cravings, desires and needs. It is active in that it keeps seeking objects to form relationships with. Guntrip added the regressed Ego, which is the True Self in "cold storage", the "lost heart of the personal self".

Fairbairn's definition of psychopathology is quantitative. How much of the Ego is dedicated to relationships with internal objects rather than with external ones (e.g., real people)? In other words: how fragmented (how schizoid) is the Ego?

To achieve a successful transition from focusing on internal objects to seeking external ones, the child needs to have the right parents (in Winnicott's parlance, the "good enough mother" - not perfect, but "good enough"). The child internalises the bad aspects of his parents in the form of internal, bad objects and then proceeds to suppress them, together ("twinned") with portions of his Ego.

Thus, his parents become a part of the child (though a repressed part). The more bad objects are repressed, the "less Ego is left" for healthy relationships with external objects. To Fairbairn, the source of all psychological disturbances is in these schizoid phenomena. Later developments (such as the Oedipus Complex) are less crucial.

Fairbairn and Guntrip think that if a person is too attached to his compensatory internal objects - he finds it hard to mature psychologically. Maturing is about letting go of internal objects. Some people just don't want to mature, or are reluctant to do so, or are ambivalent about it. This reluctance, this withdrawal to an internal world of representations, internal objects and broken Ego - is narcissism itself. Narcissists simply don't know how to be themselves, how to be and act independent while managing their relationships with other people.

Both Otto Kernberg and Franz Kohut contended that narcissism is somewhere between neurosis and psychosis. Kernberg thought that it was a borderline phenomenon, on the verge of psychosis (where the Ego is completely shattered). In this respect Kernberg, more than Kohut, identifies narcissism with schizoid phenomena and with schizophrenia. This is not the only difference between them.

They also disagree on the developmental locus of narcissism. Kohut thinks that narcissism is an early phase of development, fossilised, and doomed to be repeated (a repetition complex) while Kernberg maintains that the narcissistic self is pathological from its very inception.

Kohut believes that the narcissist's parents failed to provide him with assurances that he does possess a self (in his words, they failed to endow him with a self-object). They did not explicitly recognise the child's nascent self, its separate existence, and its boundaries. The child learned to have a schizoid, split, fragmented self, rather than a coherent ad integrated one. To Kohut, narcissism is really all-pervasive, at the very core of being (whether in its mature form, as self-love, or in it regressive, infantile form as a narcissistic disorder).

Kernberg regards "mature narcissism" (also espoused by neo-Freudians like Grunberger and Chasseguet-Smirgel) as a contradiction in terms, an oxymoron. He observes that narcissists are already grandiose and schizoid (detached, cold, aloof, asocial) at an early age (when they are three years old, according to him!).

Like Klein, Kernberg believes that narcissism is a last ditch effort (defence) to halt the emergence of the paranoid-schizoid position described by Klein. In an adult such an emergence is known as "psychosis" and this is why Kernberg classifies narcissists as borderline (almost) psychotics.

Even Kohut, who is an opponent of Kernberg's classification, uses Eugene O'Neill's famous sentence [in "The Great God Brown"]: "Man is born broken. He lives by mending. The grace of God is glue." Kernberg himself sees a clear connection between schizoid phenomena (such as alienation in modern society and subsequent withdrawal) and narcissistic phenomena (inability to form relationships or to make commitments or to empathise).

Fred Alford in "Narcissism: Socrates, the Frankfurt School and Psychoanalytic Theory" [Yale University Press, 1988] wrote:

"Fairbairn and Guntrip represent the purest expression of object relations theory, which is characterised by the insight that real relationships with real people build psychic structure. Although they rarely mention narcissism, they see a schizoid split in the self as characteristic of virtually all-emotional disorder. It is Greenberg and Mitchell, in Object Relations in Psychoanalytic Theory who establish the relevance of Fairbairn and Guntrip ... by pointing out that what American analysts label 'narcissism', British analysts tend to call 'Schizoid Personality Disorder'. This insight allows us to connect the symptomatology of narcissism - feelings of emptiness, unreality, alienation and emotional withdrawal - with a theory that sees such symptoms as an accurate reflection of the experience of being split-off from a part of oneself. That narcissism is such a confusing category is in large part because its drive-theoretic definition, the libidinal cathexis of the self - in a word, self-love - seems far removed from the experience of narcissism, as characterised by a loss of, or split-in, the self. Fairbairn's and Guntrip's view of narcissism as an excessive attachment of the Ego to internal objects (roughly analogous to Freud's narcissistic, as opposed to object, love), resulting in various splits in the Ego necessary to maintain these attachments, allows us to penetrate this confusion." [Page 67

next: Mourning the Narcissist

APA Reference
Vaknin, S. (2008, November 27). Narcissists, Inverted Narcissists and Schizoids, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, October 4 from https://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/narcissists-inverted-narcissists-and-schizoids

Last Updated: July 4, 2018

Dad's Role Has Changed Over the Years

HealthyPlace.com Staff Writer

A look at the changing role of fathers and how you can become the father of "today."

The role of dad has sure changed from 10-20 years ago. We even have stay-at-home dads now. Dads aren't relegated to the role of disciplinarian anymore. Today's fathers are enjoying a more nurturing role.

A generation or two ago, dads were often shadowy figures who disappeared at dawn and returned at dusk. Their role in the family was often relegated to breadwinner and disciplinarian (remember hearing "just wait until your father gets home"?). Thankfully times have changed. Today a lot of dads are actively participating in parenting - from coaching during childbirth, to parental leave, to simply being more involved and nurturing on a day-to-day basis.

Today, it's common to see a dad at the park with his kids or pushing a stroller down the street. All in all, fathers are more actively participating in parenting their kids on every level and this is good news, says Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, renowned pediatrician and author. "Fathers are getting the nod of approval from childbirth classes and on, that being involved in parenting is a good thing. There are studies now which show that if a father is involved with children from infancy, by 7 years of age they have a higher I.Q., do better in school and have a better sense of humor."

Still, some men may find becoming an involved parent difficult because the role of a nurturer is a foreign one. If that's the case, then family therapist Keith Marlowe suggests men turn to their own childhood memories to help them out. "All men have an incredible resource, and that is once they were a little boy. If they can take the time to become aware of what they needed when they were a little boy and what hurt them, then they can do the things that were good and avoid the things that were painful. These memories are a tremendous resource."

Sources:

TheParentReport.com

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 27). Dad's Role Has Changed Over the Years, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, October 4 from https://www.healthyplace.com/parenting/dads/dads-role-has-changed

Last Updated: August 19, 2019

Projective Techniques in the Counseling Process

HealthyPlace.com Staff Writer

Projective techniques have a lengthy and vital history in personality assessment, but they have evoked a minimal degree of interest on the part of counselors. Psychometric limitations, lack of training opportunities, and the obscure qualities of the instruments have restricted their use among practitioners. The author proposes a method to stimulate the use of projectives as an integral part of the counseling process and provides justification for the expanded use of the technique as a counseling tool.

Almost 50 years ago, Harold Pepinsky, a pioneer in the counseling profession (Claibom, 1985), urged counselors to use informal projective techniques in counseling as a means to advance the counseling relationship and to increase an understanding of clients (Pepinsky, 1947). Despite the greatly expanded role of the counselor, the increasing diversity of clients served, and the escalating challenge and complexity of issues facing the counselor, Pepinsky's early call has largely gone unheeded. Projective techniques in the counseling profession today are more commonly known for caution and prohibitions in using the instruments than for the potential benefits the devices offer as therapeutic tools (Anastasi, 1988; Hood Johnson, 1990). Given the urgency of equipping the counselor with as broad a repertoire of skills as possible, it is time to revisit Pepinsky's recommendation and to consider the role of projective methods in counseling. The purpose of this article is to review the qualities and practices of projective techniques, describe the value of projectives in counseling, suggest procedures for using the techniques in counseling, and illustrate applications of the methods with selected projective devices.

Distinguishing features of projective techniques include ambiguous directions, relatively unstructured tasks, and virtually unlimited client responses (Anastasi, 1988). These same open-ended characteristics contribute to a continuing controversy about the relative merit of the instruments. Projectives may be perceived as esoteric devices with subjectively determined evaluation procedures, particularly by counselors who seek empirically precise appraisal standards (Anastasi, 1988). A fundamental assumption of projective techniques is that the client expresses or "projects" his or her personality characteristics through the completion of relatively unstructured and ambiguous tasks (Rabin, 1981). A large number of projective instruments are available, including association (e.g., Rorschach tests), construction (e.g. , Tbematic Apperception Test), completion (e.g., sentence completion), expressive (e.g., human figure drawings), and choice or ordering (e.g., Picture Arrangement Test) (Lindzey, 1961).

The use of projective instruments assumes prerequisite psychological knowledge (Anastasi, 1988), with formal training and supervision (Drummond, 1992). Advanced course work is essential for some devices, including the Rorschach and the Thematic Apperception Test (TAT) (Hood Johnson, 1990), and computer-assisted and computer-adaptive testing (Drummond, 1988) is becoming more common. Training for counselors in projective techniques at the master's degree level is infrequent, with a clear majority of programs surveyed (Piotrowski Keller, 1984) offering no courses in projectives, although most of the training directors indicated that counseling students should be familiar with the Rorschach and the TAT. A recent study of community-based counselors suggests that licensed counselors are not frequent test users of either an objective or projective type (Bubenzer, Zimpfer, Mahrle, 1990). Counseling psychologists in private practice, community mental health centers, and counselors in hospital settings used projectives with relative frequency, but those in university and college counseling centers generally used objective assessments, with minimal employment of projectives (Watkins Campbell, 1989).

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VALUE OF PROJECTIVE TECHNIQUES IN COUNSELING

Projective techniques have a lengthy and vital history in personality assessment, but they have evoked a minimal degree of interest on the part of counselors. Although reservations about projective techniques may be recognized by researchers and practitioners (e.g., questionable psychometric qualities, a multitude of various types of devices, and considerable training required for most techniques), such issues are of less concern if projectives are used as informal, hypotheses-generating tools in counseling. This position will be amplified after examining how the skilled use of projective techniques may advance the counseling experience in ways that are both substantive and economical.

Enhancing the Counseling Relationship

As a component of the counseling process, projective techniques offer a means other than direct verbal disclosure for the client to express him-or herself. The projectives may be administered after a discussion about the purpose and application of the techniques. The client is asked to draw human figures, complete sentence stems, describe early memories, or partake in related approaches. The focus immediately shifts from the client's oral expression to the completion of a task, and interaction between the client and counselor occurs through an intermediate activity that elicits the involvement of the person. The instruments themselves are interesting to most individuals, and they offer a multimodal freedom of expression (Anastasi, 1988). While the client is completing the devices, the counselor is able to observe the person, make supportive comments, and offer encouragement. As a client responds to the ambiguous and relatively nonthreatening projective methods, his or her defensiveness often diminishes because of the participatory and absorbing nature of the tasks (Clark, 1991; Koruer, 1965). Pepinsky wrote about the projective effort by individuals: "The counselor has been able to employ these materials informally in the counseling interview, without making the client suspicious or hostile to what he might otherwise regard as an intrusion into his private world" (1947, p. 139).

Understanding the Client

As individually administered assessment devices, projectives allow for a relatively standardized observation period of the client while he or she completes the tasks (Cummings, 1986; Korner, 1965). Samples of behavior, such as the client's hostility, cooperation, impulsivity, and dependence may be noted by the counselor. The content of the client's projective responses may also be contrasted with his or her actions. As an example, an individual may verbally express positive feelings towards his or her mother that are contradicted with the sentence completion, "My mother . . . is a spiteful person." Personality dynamics are revealed through the indirect methods of projectives, as individual differences are ascertained through the unique constructions by the person. Potential information gained from the projectives includes the dynamics of client needs, values, conflicts, defenses, and capabilities (Murstein, 1965).

Treatment Planning

Treatment plans for the process of counseling may be clarified with information derived from projectives (Korchin Schuldberg, 1981; Rabin, 1981). A decision can be made as to whether the counselor should continue to work with the client, consider a more extensive evaluation, or refer the client to another counselor or related resource (Drummond, 1992). Perspectives developed through the instruments, when combined with collateral information from various other sources, may be used to establish goals and objectives for the counseling process. Hypotheses about the client's personality dynamics may be incorporated into a therapeutic treatment plan (Oster Gould, 1987). In numerous instances, the delineation of pertinent client issues early in the counseling relationship can save time and accelerate the counseling process (Duckworth, 1990; Pepinsky, 1947).

Projective Counseling as a Tool in Counseling

How is it possible to reconcile the concerns about projective methods with their potential as a measure to enhance the counseling process? Once again, it is enlightening to consider Pepinsky's balanced perspective in integrating projectives in counseling. He viewed projective techniques more as informal assessment methods than as precise, empirically established appraisal instruments. Pepinsky stated: "The hypothesis is advanced that responses to such materials need not be standardized since they form a part of the dynamic interview process and they vary from client to client" (1947, p. 135). Information obtained through projectives can be evaluated from an idiosyncratic perspective that focuses directly on the client as a person.

Hypotheses Development

As individualized procedures, projective techniques are based on a client's unique frame of reference for the development of hypotheses. This information is tentative, providing leads or indications about a client's behavior that may be later confirmed or invalidated. Anastasi supported this position when she wrote about projectives: "These techniques serve best in sequential decisions by suggesting leads for further exploration or hypotheses about the individual for subsequent verification" (1988, p. 623).

For counseling purposes, the hypotheses generated are continuously tested and modified as new information and insights are gained. Material about the client is a part of the working notes of the counselor rather than data to be included in a formal written report. In no instance should a particular hypothesis be used singularly or as a final observation. It must be supported by substantiating information; even then, leads should be open to further inquiry and modification (Anastasi, 1988). This approach is supported in the Standards for Educational and Psychological Testing, in reference to projective techniques as one of the methods that "yields multiple hypotheses regarding the behavior of the subject in various situations as they arise, with each hypothesis modifiable on the basis of further information" (American Educational Research Association, American Psychological Association, National Council on Measurement in Education, 1985, p. 45).

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Collateral Information

A single means of evaluating an individual always has potential for distortion and misrepresentation in any appraisal, and even the most reasonable hypothesis generated through projective devices requires substantiation from multiple sources (Anastasi, 1988). A "counseling perspective" derived from projectives employs a blend of "developmental, health-oriented, conscious factors with clinical, dynamic, and unconscious factors to obtain a more comprehensive picture of the client" (Watkins, Campbell, Hollifleld, Duckworth, 1989, p. 512). Corroborating information may be obtained from other projectives, behavioral observations, expressed statements of the client, school or employment records, interviews with parents, spouses, or other individuals, objective tests, and related resources (Drummond, 1992; Hart, 1986). Once counseling has begun, the most important means of assessing hypotheses is the client' s behavior in the counseling process.

Applications of Selected Projective Techniques

Considering the busy work schedule of most counselors, most prefer appraisal methods that are more economical in terms of administration and interpretation. The instruments should also yield a maximum amount of information to be of value in counseling (Koppitz, 1982). Of the numerous projective techniques available, three will be examined that can be integrated in a single counseling session, and each contributes to building rapport, understanding clients, and planning treatment. Counselors trained in projectives are likely to be familiar with human figure drawings, sentence completion devices, and early recollections. When more extensive information is necessary, the Rorschach, the TAT, and related assessments may be used by a qualified counselor or completed through a referral to another professional.

Human Figure Drawings

For most clients, the counselor's request to draw a picture of a person is a relatively nonthreatening starting point for fostering the counseling relationship (Bender, 1952; Cummings, 1986). For many individuals, particularly children, drawing has a pleasant association (Drummond, 1992), and the effort is typically completed with a reasonable degree of interest (Anastasi, 1988). Drawings may also be administered with relative ease and in a brief period of time (Swensen, 1957).

Karen Machover's (1949) Personality Projection in the Drawing of the Human Figure: A Method of Personality Investigation is one resource for understanding human figure drawings. Koppitz (1968, 1984) has written more recent volumes that are useful for evaluating child and early adolescent human figure drawings. Urban's manual (1963) is a compiled index for interpreting the "Draw-A-Person" (DAP) technique, and a recently published screening procedure using the DAP assists in identifying children and adolescents who have emotional problems (Naglieri, McNeish, Bardos, 1991). General references on projective drawings are also pertinent (Cummings, 1986; Swensen, 1957, 1968), and Oster and Gould (1987) related drawings to assessment and therapy. Of particular interest to counselors are findings about human figure drawings related to self-concept (Bennett, 1966; Dalby Vale, 1977; Prytula Thompson, 1973), anxiety (Engle Suppes, 1970; Sims, Dana, Bolton, 1983; Prytula Hiland, 1975), stress (Stumer, Rothbaum, Visintainer, Wolfer, 1980), learning problems (Eno, Elliot, Woehlke, 1981), overall adjustment (Yama, 1990), and cross-cultural considerations (Holtzman, 1980; Lindzey, 1961).

In spite of numerous attempts by researchers to lend precision to what essentially is an art form, the interpretation of human figure drawings continues to result in a limited number of clearly established personality indicators (Anastasi, 1988). Furthermore, any single characteristic, such as figure size, must be considered cautiously to avoid overgeneralizations and inaccurate judgments. (Cummings, 1986). A more conservative method of interpretation is to consider the personality indicators as "soft signs" in combination with collateral information to discern patterns or themes.

The quality of the client-counselor relationship and an understanding of the client, at least in preliminary terms, are essential factors in considering plans and goals for counseling. Personality indicators from human figure drawings are useful in preparing for the continuation of the counseling process (Oster Gould, 1987). For example, profile and stick figures relate to evasion and guardedness (Urban, 1963), significant issues that influence establishment of the counseling relationship. One factor to consider in evaluating the human figure drawings is the client's cognitive level of development and the possibility of neurological impairment (Protinsky, 1978). Stick figures, for example, are frequently drawn by children in early childhood.

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Early Recollections

Requesting a client to provide several early memories lends relation- ship-building continuity to the human figure drawings, as most people respond positively to recalling at least three memories from their early childhood. Individuals often are intrigued and challenged by the counselor's request (Watkins, 1985), and the procedure promotes a nonthreatening, empathic relationship (Allers, White, Hornbuckle, 1990). Although there are variations on directions for the early recollections, simplicity and clarity are important features: "I would like you to think back to a long time ago, when you were little. Try to recall one of your earliest memories, one of the first things that you can remember." The memory should be visualized, described as a specific single event, and have occurred before the person was 8 years of age (Mosak, 1958).

No definitive volume exists for interpreting early recollections; an edited edition (O!son, 1979) covers a variety of topics, and a more current publication (Brahn, 1990) relates to clinical practice. Various attempts have been made to develop a scoring system for early memories, but none have been widely accepted (Bruhn, 1985; Lungs, Rothenberg, Fishman, Reiser, 1960; Last Bruhn, 1983; Levy, 1965; Manaster Perryman, 1974; Mayman, 1968). A recently published manual, The Early Memories Procedure (Bruhn, 1989), includes a comprehensive scoring system. The high number of potential variables, possible scoring categories, and differences in theoretical orientations has resulted in methodological difficulties in developing coding procedures (Bruhn Schiffman, 1982a). Specific findings for early recollections are of particular interest to counselors for lifestyle (Ansbacher Ansbacher, 1956; Kopp Dinkmeyer, 1975; Sweeney, 1990), self-disclosure and interpersonal style (Barrett, 1983), locus of control (Bruhn Schiffman, 1982b), depression (Acklin, Sauer, Alexander, Dugoni, 1989; Allers, White, Hornbuckle, 1990), suicide (Monahun, 1983), delinquency (Davidow Bruhn, 1990), and career counseling (Holmes Watson, 1965; Manaster Perryman, 1974; McKelvie, 1979).

Certain psychological variables are discernible in early recollections that serve to generate hypotheses about the dynamics of an individual' s personality (Clark, 1994; Sweeney, 1990; Watkins, 1985). For example, in a series of memories, the activity or passivity of a client suggests how the person responds to life experiences. A client who passively accepts unfavorable circumstances, in memories, rather than acts to improve conditions, likely responds in the same way to actual life situations. The psychological variables are expressed as questions about a person's .functioning in memories, as adapted from Sweeney (1990):

Active or passive?

Giving or taking?

Participant or observer?

Alone or with others?

Inferior or superior in relationship to others?

Existence or absence of significant others?

Themes, details, and colors?

Feeling tone attached to the event and outcome?

The psychological variables may be applied to clarify goals and plans for counseling. A hypothesis, for example, about a client's qualitative involvement in counseling may be derived from a combination of the psychological variables of active/passive, participant/observer, and inferior/superior in relationship to others. Further clarification may be added by considering a client's self-disclosure and interpersonal style (Barrett, 1983), and locus of control (Bruhn Schiffman, 1982b). Goals in counseling for understanding the client may be linked to the lifestyle (Kopp Dinkmeyer, 1975) based on the uniqueness and idiosyncratic quality of the early memories (Adler, 1931/1980).

Sentence Completion

Incomplete sentences provide a concrete task for a person and an opportunity for the counselor to observe the client in a writing effort. Interaction between the client and the counselor occur once again with this projective method, and individuals respond with varying degrees of interest. Koppitz (1982) viewed the incomplete sentence technique as a useful "icebreaker" with reluctant and unspontaneous adolescents. Directions for completing sentences usually require the client to "complete each sentence by giving your real feelings." The sentence stems include a variety of personally referenced topics, such as, "I like . . ., ""People are . . ., "and, "My father.... "

The Rotter Incomplete Sentences Blank (Rotter Rafferty, 1950) is the most well known of the interpretive systems for the sentence completion, with forms for high school, college, and adult populations. The Forer Structured Sentence Completion Test (Forer, 1957) is also published in a manual format with a structured scoring procedure. Hart (1986) has developed a sentence completion test for children. The content of the sentence stems, number of stems provided, and scoring procedure vary with each of the systems. A review of the sentence completion methods in personality assessment (Gold-berg, 1965) and more current research findings (Rabin Zltogorski, 1985) are available. Specific issues of interest to counselors have been examined for scholastic achievement (Kimball, 1952), attitudes towards peers and parents (Harris Tseng, 1957), classroom social behavior (Feldhusen, Thurston, Benning, 1965), careers (Dole, 1958), egocentricity (Exner, 1973), safety and esteem (Wilson Aronoff, 1973), self-actualization (McKinney, 1967), and defense mechanisms (Clark, 1991).

Sentence completion devices may also be constructed by counselors and tailored to the needs of various populations (Hood Johnson, 1990). As an example, a school counselor in a middle school could develop a device that focuses on topics specifically related to early adolescence. Hypotheses may be derived directly from responses of the sentence stems. An obvious example is a student who has conflicts with learning and school and responds to the sentence stems: "I like . . . to get in trouble." "Teachers are . . . a pain." "School . . . is for losers." Appendix A lists the sentence stems used by the author in counseling children and adolescents.

Goals and plans for counseling are also directly related to the content of responses to the sentence completion technique, and specific issues introduced by the client often produce productive leads for exploration in counseling. Goals are suggested by patterns of responses in which the client indicates clear needs. A person in late adulthood, for instance, depicts strongly manifested isolation and abandonment issues with the following sentence stems: "I feel . . . very lonely." "What bothers me . . . is the constant time by myself." "I am afraid . . . of dying alone." The pattern and number of client issues may also be clarified, which assists in judging the estimated length of counseling and predictions about continuation (Hiler, 1959).

<hrdata-mce-alt="Page 5" class="system-pagebreak" title="DID Case Illustration" />

Case Illustration

Tim, a 12-year-old middle-school student, entered the counseling office in a quiet and hesitant way. He had been referred to the school counselor by two of his teachers because of "withdrawn" behavior. Tim's school records indicated that he received below average to average grades, with similar ratings on his standardized tests. He had moved to the town late in his previous school year, and the counselor had observed Tim walking alone to class and eating by himself in the cafeteria. In addressing Tim's withdrawn behavior, the counselor was understanding about a sensitive topic. Tim responded that, "It doesn't bother me to be alone," but his pained facial expression contradicted his words. In a supportive tone, the counselor probed further about Tim's discomfort in school. Tim appeared to become even more tense with this discussion, and the counselor diverted the subject to Tim's life before coming to the town.

The session ended with a minimal degree of involvement on Tim's part, and the counselor needed to learn more about him. In a meeting arranged with Tim's mother, she related that his father had left the family years ago, and Tim was just like him: "quiet and slow." A more thorough review of Tim's cumulative records indicated that his previous teachers had also been concerned about the amount of time he spent by himself and the teasing that he received from other students. The counselor was concerned that she had not learned more about Tim that would assist her in the next counseling session, and she decided to administer several projective instruments to Tim in order to increase her understanding of his personality dynamics. The counselor also hoped that interacting with the instruments would lessen the tension that Tim demonstrated as he talked about himself.

Soon after Tim began his second counseling session, the counselor explained how the assessment would assist her in learning more about him, and she briefly described the three instruments that would be used. She observed Tim as he completed the human figure drawing in a deliberate but precise way. Tim's figure was less than 2 inches in length, high on the page, with arms reaching in the air. Tim commented that he liked to draw, but "I'm not very good at it." Next, the counselor asked Tim about his earliest memory, and he stated: "I'm standing on a street corner and people are walking by just looking at me. I don't know what to do." Tim provided two more mere-odes, including: "Kids are pushing me around on the playground, and nobody is helping me. I don't know what to do. I feel scared and sad." The counselor next asked Tim to respond to the sentence completion, and his tension was evident while he worked on the task. Tim's responses to several sentence stems were far more revealing than his expressed statements in the first counseling session: "I feel . . . sad." "Other people . . . are mean." "My father . . . doesn't call anymore." "I suffer . . . but nobody knows." "I wish . . . I had one friend." "What pains me is . . . other kids."

After Tim left, the counselor was struck by his sense of isolation and futility as she looked over the projective material. At the same time, the counselor was hopeful because she finally had more of an understanding of Tim--information that could be used in counseling. From the human figure drawing, the counselor hypothesized: Tim has a lowered self concept (small size of drawing); he desires social interaction (arms up in the air); conditions in his life are uncertain (figure high on the page); and he has an interest in drawing (expressed statement). In the early memories Tim's reduced self-concept ("I'm lost, pushed around") was also evident as well as the uncertain quality of his life ("I don't know what to do"). Tim's recollections also clarified his attitude towards other people ("ignore me, hurt me") and his feelings towards experiences ("scared, sad").

Tim's sentence completion provided further hypotheses about his behavior. His statement in the first counseling session about not minding being alone was contradicted by: "I need . . . someone to hang around with. " Tim's history of being rejected was confirmed by several sentences: "Other people . . . are mean" and "What pains me . . . is other kids. " Tim's reference about his father not calling anymore could be construed in various ways, but it could provide a starting point to talk about his father.

In her third meeting with Tim, the counselor felt more prepared. She decided to provide a highly supportive and nurturing climate that would be encouraging to Tim. She also considered placing Tim in a counseling group, after an appropriate number of individual sessions. that would provide him with a structured and supportive social experience.

Summary

Although projective techniques are enduring and provocative methods of personality assessment, the methods have been underused by counselors. Questionable psychometric qualities, infrequent training experiences, and the obscure characteristics of the devices has limited their use by counselors. A hypotheses-generating procedure supported by collateral client information is endorsed. Projective techniques could be an integral part of the counseling process for purposes of enhancing the client-counselor relationship, understanding the client from a phenomenological perspective, and clarifying the goals and course of counseling. Leads derived from projectives are instrumental in the counseling experience, and specific topics appraised through the devices are pertinent to a broad range of client issues.

Although developing the skills of the counselor in projectives may well require some changes in the counseling curriculum (and this is an issue with which we have yet to deal), it is clear that projective techniques can be viably used in the counseling process. Almost half a century ago, Pepinsky recommended that the time was fight for a match between counselors and projective methods; his counsel is just as relevant and compelling today.

Sentence Completion Stems 1. I feel . . . 2. I regret . . . 3. Other people . . . 4. I am best when . . . 5. What bothers me is . . . 6. The happiest time . . . 7. I am afraid of . . . 8. My father . . . 9. I dislike to . . . 10. I failed . . . 11. At home . . . 12. Boys . . . 13. My mother . . . 14. I suffer . . . 15. The future . . . 16. Other kids . . . 17. My nerves are . . . 18. Girls . . . 19. My greatest worry is . . . 20. School . . . 21. I need . . . 22. What pains me is . . . 23. I hate . . . 24. I wish . . . 25. Whenever I have to study, I . . .

REFERENCES

APPENDIX A

Sentence Completion Stems 1. I feel . . . 2. I regret . . . 3. Other people . . . 4. I am best when . . . 5. What bothers me is . . . 6. The happiest time . . . 7. I am afraid of . . . 8. My father . . . 9. I dislike to . . . 10. I failed . . . 11. At home . . . 12. Boys . . . 13. My mother . . . 14. I suffer . . . 15. The future . . . 16. Other kids . . . 17. My nerves are . . . 18. Girls . . . 19. My greatest worry is . . . 20. School . . . 21. I need . . . 22. What pains me is . . . 23. I hate . . . 24. I wish . . . 25. Whenever I have to study, I . . .

By Arthur J. Clark is an associate professor and coordinator of the counseling and development program at St. Lawrence University. Correspondence regarding this article should be sent to Arthur J. Clark, Atwood Hall, St. Lawrence University, Canton, NY 13617.

Clark, Arthur, Projective techniques in the counseling process.., Vol. 73, Journal of Counseling Development, 01-01-1995, pp 311.

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APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 27). Projective Techniques in the Counseling Process, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, October 4 from https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/wermany/projective-techniques-in-the-counseling-process

Last Updated: September 24, 2015

Still My Mind Short Discourse Series

HealthyPlace.com Staff Writer

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In enabling the reader of this topic to gain a solid understanding of the material presented, it is important to be prepared witha clear understanding of "The Sense of Self".

This will be most helpful if you feel that the references to the "sense of self" on this page are unclear in your mind.

Table1: The levels of Self Identification.

	Physical	Mental	Emotional	Spiritual
An illustration of the various relationships amid body, mind and spirit which help define or qualify the Sense of Self	I know I AM because of my body	I know I AM because I think I AM	I know I AM because of my feelings	I AM
	My body verifies my existence	My thoughts verify my existence	My feelings verify my existence	Pure Existence without the need for validation.
	I exist among other physical beings.	I exist in a network of intellectual associations.	I exist by feelings expressed from and for others.	I alone exist
	Physical associations bring me fulfilment	Intellectual associations bring me fulfilment	Emotional associations bring me fulfilment	Self fulfilment is inherent.

Through the various stages of a persons human , social and spiritual development, the sense of WHO a person is (that is, the inner identification where self fulfilment, and the recognition of self worth emanate from), should progress to new meanings as the individual experiences life more completely. I purposefully use the word "should" to indicate that many people do not necessarily progress to a more refined view of their existence beyond a basic sense of self identification aligned with the physical or mental levels.

From the table above, we can examine each level of being and see how the human psyche matures in life. Each level of existence re-defines and matures the sense of self through relative experiences, associations, comparisons and other qualifications. These can all serve us by ultimately allowing a revelation, that one day we can cast aside the need for external qualifications and rest in the knowledge that we exist because we exist. Such an attitude is devoid of comparisons and analogies, since we see ourselves as forever being complete. Our true self is a spiritual being and to paraphrase, "we are spiritual beings on physical journey"

Let us walk through each section of the table and briefly expand on its meaning.

Physical

From day 1 of human existence, an individual grows up in a 3 dimensional world, initially learning about spatial relationships and the conditions of environment,

Examples:

The understanding of Up, Down, In, Out, including Distance.
The sense of the physical body reaching out and touching something.
Things that threaten physical safety and survival.
A sense of what is physically pleasing and comforting.

These impressions are fundamental to the understanding that "I am a living being" because my body and its sensations validate my experience as a living entity.

In various stages of life, a person can derive a sense of personal power as well as feelings of fulfilment and competency from positive physical achievements like sports and athletics. On the other hand, a negative use of physical attributes like "Bullying" may also bring about a sense of personal power or self. However, to continue the use and cultivation of ones personal power in this way will lead to problems, as one day such a person may encounter someone stronger and more assertive. Here the persons personal power or sense of self would be Taken Away.

Mental

As a person grows physically and develops mental faculties, a more refined view of existence evolves as powers of perception and reasoning mature. To gain the understanding that Self identification can be obtained through intellectual pursuits, advances the person in to a more meaningful understanding of ones humanity and potential.

Once again, in various stages of life, a person can derive a sense of personal power and feelings of fulfilment and competency from successful use of logic and intelligence. But mental abilities can fade, or people with grander capacities can be encountered, possibly leading to feelings of inadequacy. Such a thing could also take away personal power, or a sense of self.

Emotional

Having experienced 2 distinct aspects of human development, the encounter of emotional involvement and attachment to both people and objects further defines and matures the sense of self in the individual. From the experience of joy derived from something simple like a favourite toy, to the deeper connections to living things like a pet or more importantly people, a still higher sense of self arises from the experience of... "I know I exist because of the feelings I have for things and people, along with the feelings that people have for me". A persons sense of self matures into something higher.

Further to this, the experience of love and more importantly un-conditional love brings a degree of release to the "sense of self" derived from the physical and mental experience linked to external dependence. From the experience of true or un-conditional love, the need for external validation from physical attributes greatly dissipates.

Yet again, in various stages of life, a person can derive a sense of personal power and feelings of fulfilment and competency from the experience of being loved by another. This too is vulnerable should the love or other emotional support of others not be forthcoming anymore.

Spiritual

Finding a "sense of self" from the spiritual experience is the goal of humanity. YOUR GOAL!

It is here that the noblest attainment of the inner human experience can be found. Serene and confident. Compassionate yet assertive. Self assured but humble. Wise and profound yet simple of heart and uncomplicated.

How can such an attainment be secured?

By purposeful contemplation of our spiritual nature.

And now, The Meditation

In this meditation course we strive to cultivate, nurture and permanently attain a sense of self which has an identification in our spiritual nature. It is not the purpose of this exercise to deny the "sense of self" built up from an identification of our physical, mental and emotional nature rather, we proceed to embrace them and bring them to unity with the spiritual nature. So long as we do not distort these identifications and allow them to be nurtured or maintained by external circumstances, we will not become dependant on them. They will not lead us, but rather we will lead them... we will lead them to wholeness.

The fundamental principle of this Meditation is based on the technique of Mantra Repetition, but with the cultivation of a high degree of awareness of its meaning.

"I am the Heart"

Over and over, but always cultivating remembrance for the meaning of the phrase. This is absolutely vital for without that remembrance, the Mind will find no real motivation to seek and explore an elevated level of consciousness.

It is vital that your understanding of the phrase "I am the Heart" has been prepared in your mind by the reading of my book, "I am the Heart"

.(Read the book now) | (Download the book now)

This book is purposefully rich in metaphor and parable and delivers a lengthy yet absorbing discourse to prepare you for the journey of self discovery.

The word Mantra means, "That which protects the Mind". The ancient and time proven technique of mantra repetition serves to keep the individual focused on the object of the Mantra, (that being a conscious awakening to the true self). This leads to mental purification and elevation, from the utilisation of concentration empowered by the higher ideal of love of self.

The "protection" afforded by mantra repetition serves to assist in the elevation of consciousness into a more clearer and illuminated realm. This illumination is the ability to perceive spiritual realities which come in the form of insights, inner knowing, and more importantly, the goal of this meditation, the revelation of the intimate connection with God we all have, and that "God dwells within you as you"

It then makes beautiful sense to say "I am the Heart"

There are some other important points to keep in mind about this repetition.

When I say that the phrase "I am the Heart" is to be repeated over and over, I do not necessarily mean constant and without rest, or at a rapid fire pace. Sufficient is a cycle of repetition whereby you can allow for the all important remembrance of the meaning of what you are saying.

By all means incorporate this form of meditation whilst into traditional forms of meditative techniques as adopted by followers of yoga and other eastern traditions.

Even whilst walking down the street or in the park or riding on a bus... choose the remembrance of your essential nature and say,
"I am the Heart"

Consider these also:

Are you feeling afraid? "I am the Heart"

Are you feeling lost? "I am the Heart"

Are you feeling weary? "I am the Heart"

Are you feeling sad? "I am the Heart"

Are you feeling happy? "I am the Heart"

This, and your duty is all you have to remember.

Also, keep in mind these points.

Do not be distracted away from what is your daily duty,

for in duty there is concentration, and all concentration is meditation.

It is vital to maintain a high awareness of any thoughts you are about to express

as you consider using a sentence starting with the words "I Am".

For whatever period of time (weeks, months), that you are going to practise the meditation of "I am the Heart", activate your awareness and do not say such things as "I am sad", "I am happy", "I am lonely", "I am (whatever)".

Rather than say such things as "I am sad" replace it with, "there is sadness". This dis-empowers the potential of negative enforcement to swell in your consciousness, without the denial of your current state of being, (the truth that is yours for that time). Replacing such a thought with "there is sadness", protects the mind from illusive thinking. To also finish off that train of thought with "I am the heart", helps maintain the upward journey you are choosing.

Have periods of contemplation and look into yourself and gauge how you are progressing.

Do not become too anxious about your progress, but rather, know that success will be assured by your persistence. Please be patient with yourself. You are in the process of rising above a lifetime of conditional behaviour and worldly thinking. Your brave and dedicated efforts will not go unrewarded.

Pray for assistance and guidance of this mighty and very noble task.

Believe in the noble thought of wanting to attain an intimate union with God.

THIS ENTIRE WEB SITE IS TESTIMONY TO MY SELF EFFORT AND THE REVEALATIONS
PROCEEDING THAT HAVE UPLIFTED MY MIND, HEART, SOUL...

AND OF COURSE MY LIFE.

Download the MAIN book now ~ download the meditation course

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APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 27). Still My Mind Short Discourse Series, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, October 4 from https://www.healthyplace.com/alternative-mental-health/still-my-mind/still-my-mind-short-discourse-series

Last Updated: January 14, 2014

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Jesus & Mary Magdalene - Jesus, sexuality, & the bible

A Question About Jesus

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2. The Bible

The Bible

3. Indecency

4. Jesus & Mary Magdalene

Personality and Illness

An Excerpt from BirthQuake: A Journey to Wholeness

Pass It On

Life Letters

Mourning the Narcissist

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Narcissists, Inverted Narcissists and Schizoids

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Dad's Role Has Changed Over the Years

Projective Techniques in the Counseling Process

VALUE OF PROJECTIVE TECHNIQUES IN COUNSELING

Enhancing the Counseling Relationship

Understanding the Client

Treatment Planning

Projective Counseling as a Tool in Counseling

Hypotheses Development

Collateral Information

Applications of Selected Projective Techniques

Human Figure Drawings

Early Recollections

Sentence Completion

Case Illustration

Summary

Still My Mind Short Discourse Series

Meditation Courseby Adrian Newington © 1991

In enabling the reader of this topic to gain a solid understanding of the material presented, it is important to be prepared witha clear understanding of "The Sense of Self".

Physical

Mental

Emotional

Spiritual

And now, The Meditation

Consider these also:

Also, keep in mind these points.

Meditation Course
by Adrian Newington © 1991