sexual problems

Impotence and the Partner

Impotence can be very taxing on a relationship. On the one hand, the man may feel that his "loss of manhood" is a subject that he must keep to himself and not share with his partner. He may withdraw emotionally and physically from his partner. The partner may react with feelings of insecurity, self-doubt and may blame him or herself for the sexual difficulties present in the relationship.

The Individual and Society

Society has a tremendous influence on how we view and conduct ourselves. We consider sex to be a very private and intimate act, yet knowledge of the "howtos" and of its pleasure has been communicated to us through word of mouth and through various media such as video and publications. Sex is infused in all cultures. A scent of perfume may arouse sexual feelings. Indeed, it is what we receive through sensory stimuli and fantasies that "turn us on" and in the case of a man, "makes him hard".

Men are pressured from their peers and society to "get it up" and "perform". Any sense that he is unable to do so challenges his sense of manhood and threatens his self-esteem. He may feel guilty that he can no longer perform his function as a man - a "performer" and creator of life - and he may feel that impotence is the first sign that age is creeping up on him.

Impotence and erection weakness is not only a problem for the man but is a problem for the relationship. For example, a man now challenged by his erection weakness may feel embarrassed and ashamed and lose his desire to perform. He may begin to deny his partner any emotional and physical attention and avoid situations where sexual encounters may occur. He may refuse to discuss his difficulties with anyone, especially with his partner. This lack of sexual intimacy between the couple can place great strain on the partner, particularly if the partner is a woman.

A woman may see her partner's erection weakness and absence as a sign that he no longer loves her, finds her attractive or desires her. Her need for understanding and reassurance is not being met and her loving feelings towards her partner are being replaced by feelings of anger, insecurity, self-doubt and even self-blame. Understanding what is happening and knowing that she can support and participate in treatment brings an enormous sense of relief to the partner.

Advice for the Couple

A man's "good piece" doesn't always work at the push of a button. Impotence is an issue that must be worked out between the couple with the full understanding that communication is the most essential step in achieving success towards treatment and recovery. Whereas the man must openly express his feelings and discuss his difficulties, the partner needs to offer sympathy and understanding and reassure that the difficulty is temporary and can be successfully treated. Communication alleviates and prevents any misunderstandings and feelings of unhappiness and isolation.

next: The Psychology of Impotence

Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

For me, Step Two was the natural progression from Step One. In Step One, I admitted that I could not function as my own higher power. I admitted that my life was a mess because of my own attitude and my own choices.

I could not function as my own higher power. I had to find a higher power greater than my self.

One symptom of my co-dependency had been to let other people function as my higher power. In 1993, I was totally alone. There was not another person to whom I could turn. I had made enemies of just about everyone in my life but a few people, and those few were true friends enough to tell me I needed serious help beyond what they could do.

By grace, I learned that as a higher power, other people do not fit the job's description. People are imperfect, judgmental, given to emotional decisions, and other human traits. I say this compassionately.

I realized, too, for the same reasons, that neither could I function as another person's higher power. I had always been quick to give advice, tell others what they should do, and offer opinions and solutions when no one had asked me. This was yet another manifestation of my co-dependency.

I needed a higher power that was super human. I needed a power higher than myself in whom to trust and believe.

When I came to this realization, I woke up in a sense. All my previous life had been a delusion of my own making. I came to like a person regaining consciousness after being knocked unconscious. All my attempts to deal with life had really been attempts to deny reality and to deny my own powerlessness. Trying to run my own life had been insanity. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I was powerless, but I did not want to admit it, was not ready to admit it, until August 1993.

Once I became humble enough to admit my own powerlessness, once I woke up to reality, then (and only then) was I ready to look outside of my self and seek a power higher than my self. Once I admitted the insanity of trying to play god in my life and in the lives of other people, I was ready to voluntarily undergo whatever change and transformations were necessary within me to achieve sanity and serenity. I willingly turned to God.

next: The Twelve Steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous Step Three

Eating disorders are consuming. They consume the individual in obsessive, negative thinking and behaviors and they consume the individual's relationships with family members, loved ones, and life. This is partially due to the effects of starvation in anorexia. When people are not adequately nourished, they think about food constantly, sometimes even dreaming about it. They also become depressed, isolated, and tired. They avoid relationships because they often feel others pressure them to eat, are physically depleted, and feel compelled to engage in eating disordered behaviors.

Loved ones find eating disorders extremely difficult to understand and accept. Seeing someone you love starve or damage their bodies is stressful, and, often, parents, spouses, and others begin to become intrusive in their efforts to get the person to eat or to stop purging. Soon, the individual may see these loved ones as enemies trying to control her rather than help.

Eating disorders may develop if a person has no other way to speak or represent her feelings. Frequently family dynamics, faulty communication patterns, losses or other stressors such as abuse contributed to negative feelings she could not deal with directly. It is never a simple matter that can be solved by telling the person just to eat. The symptoms have become the individual's way to avoid facing problems more directly or an attempts to feel in control when the rest of one's life feels out of control.

Get help for your relationship by getting help for your eating disorder

Although eating disorders vary in severity from mild to life-threatening, they usually don't go away by themselves. People with eating disorders are often resistant to getting help; after all, it could be seen as a sign of weakness. Loved ones can help break through that by being open to getting help themselves and by examining how they or other family relationships or issues may have contributed. In a family, both fathers and mothers need to be involved in treatment. Too often, we hold mom responsible for everything in families: this challenge needs to be shared.

next: Eating Disorders: Becoming 'the Best Anorexic Ever'
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Everyone experiences the symptoms of anxiety from time to time, caused by any number of things -- changes in our lifestyle, undue stress, tension. These symptoms often reflect a normal response to problems arising in our daily lives. In some cases, however, they may be the symptoms of a psychological or physical illness. The diagnosis of a serious medical problem is not always a simple process.

Because these symptoms are so difficult to assess, both patients and professionals can misdiagnose significant physical or emotional problems. Studies in recent years reveal that a number of physical disorders coexist in patients who have a psychological disorder, and some physical problem may cause 5 to 40 percent of psychological illnesses. In the majority of these cases the health professional fails to make the physical diagnosis.

Nowhere is this confusion more evident and diagnosis more difficult than with panic attacks. If the symptoms of panic are present, there are three possible diagnoses:

1. A physiological disorder is the sole cause of all the symptoms associated with panic. Treatment of the physical problem removes the symptoms.
2. A minor physical problem produces a few symptoms. The individual then becomes introspective and oversensitive to these physical sensations and uses them as a cue to become anxious. His heightened awareness and unnecessary concern will produce an increase in symptoms. If this continues, he can turn an insignificant physical problem into a major psychological distress.
3. There is no physical basis for the symptoms. Some combination of the following will help: education about the problem, reassurance, psychological treatment and medication treatment.

Through a comprehensive evaluation, your physician can determine which, if any, of these physical problems is associated with your symptoms. In most cases, curing the physical illness or adjusting medication will eliminate the symptoms. In some disorders, the symptoms remain as part of a minor disturbance, and you must learn to cope with them.

When a person suffers from anxiety attacks, one of the greatest obstacles to recovery can be the fear that these attacks are the indication of a major physical illness. And in some rare cases that is true. But predominantly, when a person continually worries about physical illness, that kind of worry intensifies or even produces panic attacks. In other words, the less you worry, the healthier you will become. For that reason, I strongly recommend that you adopt the following guidelines if you are experiencing anxiety attacks:

1. Find a physician whom you trust.
2. Explain your symptoms and your worries to him or her.
3. Let your physician conduct any evaluations or examinations necessary to determine the cause of your symptoms.
4. If your primary physician recommends that another medical specialist evaluate your problem, be certain to follow that advice. Make sure that your primary physician receives a report from the specialist.
5. If a physical problem is diagnosed, follow your physician's treatment advice.
6. If your doctor finds no physical cause for your anxiety attacks, use the methods presented in the Panic Attack Self-Help Program to take control of your symptoms. If your symptoms persist, ask your physician or some other source for a referral to a licensed mental health professional who specializes in these disorders.

The most destructive thing you can do when faced with panic attacks is to steadfastly believe that your symptoms mean that you have a serious physical illness, despite continued professional reassurance to the contrary. That is why it is essential that you work with a physician whom you can trust until he or she reaches a diagnosis. No matter how many consultations with other professionals you need, allow one professional to have primary charge of your case and receive all reports. Do not continually jump from doctor to doctor. If you remain fearfully convinced that you have a physical ailment, even when there is a consensus to the contrary among the professionals who have evaluated you, then you can be certain of one thing: your fear is directly contributing to your panic episodes. In Part II you will learn how to control that fear and thereby take control of your symptoms.

Many physiological disorders produce panic-like symptoms. You will find them listed below.

Physiological Disorders with Panic-like Symptoms

Cardiovascular

• Angina pectoris
• Myocardial infarction (recovery from)
• Arrhythmia
• Postural orthostatic hypotension
• Coronary artery disease
• Pulmonary edema
• Heart attack
• Pulmonary embolism
• Heart failure
• Stroke
• Hypertension
• Tachycardia
• Mitral valve prolapse
• Transient ischemic attack
• Mitral stenosis

Respiratory

• Asthma
• Emphysema
• Bronchitis Hypoxia
• Collagen disease Pulmonary fibrosis

Endocrine/hormonal

• Carcinoid tumor
• Pheochromocytoma
• Hyperthyroidism
• Premenstrual syndrome
• Hypoglycemia
• Pregnancy

Neurological/muscular

• Compression neuropathies
• Myasthenia gravis
• GuillainBarr syndrome
• Temporal lobe epilepsy

Aural

• Benign positional vertigo
• Meniere's disease
• Labyrinthitis
• Otitis media
• Mastoiditis

Hematic

• Anemia
• Iron deficiency anemia
• B12 anemia
• Sickle cell anemia
• Folic acid anemia

Drug related

• Alcohol use or withdrawal
• Side effects of many medications
• Illicit drug use
• Stimulant use
• Medication withdrawal

Miscellaneous

• Caffeinism
• Head injury

next: Step 1: Rapid or Irregular Heart Rate
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Concerned about whether you have a computer or online gaming addiction? Take our online gaming addiction test.

EverQuest addiction? Many laugh at the thought, yet more cases are being seen each year. The highly addictive nature of online role-playing games impacts children and teenagers the most, but a growing number of adults are also getting hooked, and the latest craze is to online sports fantasy games.

Answer "yes" or "no" to the following statements to see if you may be addicted to online gaming:

1. Do you need to play online games with increasing amounts of time in order to achieve the desired excitement?
2. Are you preoccupied with gaming (thinking about it when offline, anticipating your next online session)?
3. Have you lied to friends and family members to conceal extent of your online gaming?
4. Do you feel restless or irritable when attempting to cut down or stop online gaming?
5. Have you made repeated unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back, or stop online gaming?
6. Do you use gaming as a way of escaping from problems or relieve feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety, or depression?
7. Have you jeopardized or lost a significant relationship, or even risked your marriage because of your online gaming habit?
8. Have you jeopardized a job, educational, or career opportunity because of your online gaming habit?

If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, you may be addicted to online gaming. These are common warning signs that you have lost control, lied, or possibly risked a relationship to support your gaming behavior. Why wait until it is too late to seek out help? Contact our Counseling Services today to receive fast, caring, and confidential advice to stop online gaming or read through our library of articles to help you find the information you need to understand Internet addiction and steps towards its recovery.

next: Online Gaming and Your Child
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teenage sex

This part of the site is for both teens and parents. Many in both groups feel uncomfortable talking about sex with each other. That makes it tough because teens really need their parents during this time in their lives and it's the parents who should be teaching and setting the example.

Since this is a psychology site about teenage sex issues, we'll be discussing how to talk to your kids about sex and, for you kids, how to talk to your parents about sex. We'll also cover how to know when you're ready for sex and the difference between sex and love; which, at a young age, can be really confusing.

You may also be wondering if thinking about same-sex sex, or even experimenting with it, makes you gay or lesbian. (clue: it doesn't!)

And what about date rape or acquaintance rape or being coerced into having sex (every girl gets this one: "Don't you love me?"). How can you handle these physically and emotionally difficult situations? Is it okay to just say "NO!" And is it okay to go out with a much older guy or girl when you're a teenager? Are you asking for more than you can handle?

Finally, I've added a little virginity, pregnancy prevention, and STD info into the mix.

Ready? Set. Go!

Information for Parents here.

next: Sexual Communication: Talking to Your Parents About Sex or the Teens and Sex table of contents for all articles in this section

Jean, My Bipolar Story Short Bio of Jean. Born 1951. College graduate. Married twice. First time for ten years--two sons ages 23 and 21. Present marriage - eleven years--three sons, ages 10, 9, and 7.

Grew up in NY, upper class family, very happy, very oblivious to any sort of outside world--we lived in a world of private clubs, boarding schools, total obliviousness.

I was even a debutante.

People from this background do not go to psychiatrists when they have problems. They are more apt to suffer in silence, become alcoholics, or just...die in "accidents". This is still as true today as it was when I was a child. Mental disorders and disabilities of any kind are considered...tacky. The lack of compassion from people like this is astounding. I have learned this firsthand since I have become the mother of disabled children.

At any rate, the "silent suffering" is the reason I cannot tell you if we had any manic depressives in my background. Nobody discussed it. From what I can tell, I am the first one, which is really odd, I know. We had untreated unipolar depression (I think), we had untreated agorophobia, we had untreated alcoholism, and we have a family of very talented people whose names you might recognize in the fields of writing, politics and business.

My catalyst for my manic depression was the incredible stress I endured when my fourth child, now 9, was diagnosed autistic at age 2. I threw myself into learning about autism, which even now is an extremely mysterious, complicated and difficult- to-deal-with disorder. I wrote about it for publication (I still write about it, frequently, often with humor, believe it or not), and I even started a support group for parents with autistic children. I also arranged a tv appearance for myself on a cable health channel to increase people's awareness of autism (by the time that was supposed to take place, I was in the hospital. A friend took my place).

As I was doing this, I was running a home based 40 hour a week "home schooling program" for my severely autistic child where all his teachers would come and work one on one with him in an intensive form of teaching therapy called Applied Behavior Analysis. ABA. I was even trained as one of his teachers, and had sessions with him myself.

Then my fifth son, whom we had thought was "perfect", was diagnosed autistic as well. This was so unbearably painful that all the work I had done on "acceptance" just flew out the window and I finally gave in and became depressed. I believe this was my one and only experience with depression in my life.

I was given Paxil in an improper dosage and six months later I became hypomanic. I began developing a theory of "highest fuctioning autism", very exciting to me, which I fed-exed to Oliver Saks--the neurologist who wrote the book that became the movie "Awakenings"-- and I began staying up all night, exhilarated and totally egotistical. Hypersexual. Overspending. Speeding mentally. I was totally disconnected from my family--barely going through the motions. I was talking to the stars in the sky! My husband, not the psychiatrist I was seeing, was able to realize how serious my condition was and forced me to go to a hospital. I walked into the admitting psychiatrist's office and he asked me about one question before it was apparent to him that I needed to be placed immediately, and I was. Call me Bipolar l. It was serious.

I only stayed for 6 days--I hated it because it reminded me of boarding school. I begged my husband to get me out. On the other hand, they gave me lithium and and I slept, stabilized, and recovered enough to get out and go home to my family.

I never, EVER, want that to happen again, so I never miss my appointments with my excellent psychpharmacologist. I remain on medication. It has been 5 1/2 years since my "episode". My motivation to stay healthy is extremely high. However, the drawback was that it took me years to regain confidence and "trust in my own brain", if you know what I mean. It had "tricked" me after 44 years of being completely reliable. This is one of the reasons I have not been able to write about my experiences with manic depression until five years after my episode took place. It frankly was too shocking to me that it actually happened. I wished to protect myself from the very thought, even while faithfully taking my medications and caring for my family.

In here was the first time I opened up about this, ever. So I thank healthyplace.com for that.

Best Wishes,

Jean

next: The Shocking Tale of Andy Behrman
~ bipolar disorder library
~ all bipolar disorder articles

~ An insight into OCD ~ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

My Thoughts

What kind of people get OCD? Are they weak, mentally unstable, weird?

• It's my personal opinion that the kind of people who seem to suffer with OCD are very often caring, sensitive, intelligent, creative, and imaginative. Very often perfectionists, analytical and deep thinking types of people suffer from OCD. And maybe that's part of the problem, maybe OCDers think TOO much. Our heads are usually so full of stuff, constantly wondering, analyzing and thinking, looking for reasons to things, wanting to do things well and properly that something has to give! And BANG goes our wiring!

• I remember as a child being very aware of things going on in the world, noticing things that friends wouldn't - maybe picking up on something I'd see on TV and then spending time thinking about it when others had long forgotten it. If I was doing a school project on a subject that really interested me, I'd need to work on it constantly, getting it just right, making sure it was neat and accurate.

• As an adult, I find my mind has to be thinking all the time. It's always full and never seems to rest. Of course, for years it's been full of OCD stuff, worrying and controlling all my thoughts.

• But at the moment, I'm trying my hardest to fill it with more productive stuff. I feel that if I can shove and force the OCD to one side and then push other things in it's place, then maybe, just maybe, the OCD will become minimized, strangled, and suffocated by all the other more interesting subjects.

• I try and keep busy by drawing, writing, researching other topics, and the OCD that I DO allow in, like this Web Site, I try to make POSITIVE OCD stuff rather than NEGATIVE - stuff that might actually help other people. Negative OCD is NOT welcome in my head anymore. It's had it's way for years and years, taking over valuable brain space, but now I'm mounting a TAKEOVER bid and seizing back some control.

• I read somewhere that someone said of OCD, "at least it's not a killer!" Well in a way that's wrong because OCD does kill. It kills potential, and it does it slowly and painfully without mercy. It dominates the space in our brain that creative, imaginative and enterprising stuff should fill. It leaves hardly any room for potential.

• And if you don't fight back, it can win! OCD is a lifelong fight for CONTROL.

next: Obsessively Crazy Details: A Look Inside The OCD Mind
~ ocd library articles
~ all ocd related disorders articles

Empathic listening is a choice. Audioapathy is a word I coined to describe the condition often experienced when partners become apathetic about listening when their partner talks with them. It is a dreaded dis-ease that can poison your relationship. Although it appears that men are more affected than women, some women also get it.

Hearing is involuntary. You can be sound asleep and still hear something or someone, but listening is voluntary. It is an intellectual and emotional choice. It implies effective communication between the sender and the receiver, which hearing does not.   

It is a wise partner who, when their partner is talking, puts down the evening newspaper or turns the TV off, makes eye contact and truly listens to what their partner is saying. Very wise. It may be difficult to listen to what they have to say, however, if the truth hurts - be grateful. When your partner talks, listen for the truth about what they are saying instead of going on the defensive. That only keeps you stuck.

It may take courage for your partner to express their feelings if they haven't been used to doing so. To immediately defend your own position (or to disagree or argue) invalidates your partner's feelings and usually serves to turn off future sharing possibilities. Listen for the opportunity to assist the relationship by taking responsibility for what you may be doing that trips their trigger and causes them to make a choice to feel the way they do.

Empathic listening gets inside your partner's frame of reference. You see their world the way they see it, you understand their paradigm, you understand how they "feel."

Apathetic listeners breed contempt, resentment and often the person who desperately needs to be heard eventually shuts down. A lack of effective communication is the number one problem in relationships.

Listen more and talk less. You can't learn anything when you're talking. How do you spell success in a relationship? Be wise. Listen. L-I-S-T-E-N.

Additional resource:

Read, "Communicating is Not Optional: How to Listen So Your Partner Will Talk." - A communication gap not only undermines the potential of your relationship; it can, and usually will eventually destroy the relationship. Use an effective process Larry James uses when coaching couples to teach them to listen and talk, but not at the same time.

continue story below

next: Do What Works!

Home Study

• Don't Panic,
  Chapter 2. Physical Causes of Panic like Symptoms
  Chapter 4. Agoraphobia and the Panic-Prone Personality
  Chapter 5. Four Complicating Problems
  Chapter 6. Panic in the Context of Heart and Lung Disorder

This section identifies all the major physical problems that can produce panic-like symptoms. By no means should you use this section (or any other in this guide) for self-diagnosis. Only a physician has the resources to determine whether any of these disorders is the cause of your discomfort and to advise you of your treatment options.

• Physical disorders with panic like symptoms
• Rapid or irregular heart rate
• Chest pain
• Difficulty breathing
• Dizziness and vertigo
• Multiple symptoms
• Side effects of medication

next: Step 1 (GAD): How To Handle Worries I
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