Hundreds of people have asked me why people develop eating disorders. Of course, there are many issues involved, but as I explore this field, over the years I have concluded that there is one outstanding theme that runs through every person with an eating disorder I have encountered.

Early in their lives they experienced, on a sustained basis, relentless boundary invasion on every level.

When a person's physical, emotional, psychological, intellectual, sexual, and creative boundaries are consistently ignored and penetrated that person experiences total boundary invasion. When that person has no control or way to stop, protest or often even acknowledge such invasions, the person experiences helplessness, despair and a certainty that they are worthless to themselves or anyone else.

The consequences of such total invasion are vast. One consequence is an eating disorder.

Having had so many boundaries disregarded, the person has no knowledge or skills in recognizing or honoring boundaries herself. She will eat or starve for emotional relief. She may eat vast amounts of food for comfort value alone. She may deprive herself of food until her life is in danger. She has no internal limit setter that tells her when she has experienced enough. Being oblivious to any boundary means being oblivious to limits of any kind.

The compulsive overeater eats whenever and whatever she likes. Her choices are based on self-medication issues, not feelings of physical hunger.

The anorexic will not eat. There is no limit to her not eating. She will starve herself to death in search of relief from her emotional pain. She knows nothing of the experience enough. She couldn't say, "Enough," to an invader of her boundaries, and she can't say to it herself. The concept of enough has no meaning to her. She often feels that, if she "disappeared" she might find some permanent relief. I have heard countless anorexic young women talk ethereally, with a lost in a beautiful world of angels smile, of how wonderful it would be to be vapor or a light dancing spirit in the clouds.

Ah, such spiritual bliss, they imagine. In reality, it's the final self-protective act, to destroy their bodies and their lives completely. Then they can truly escape the complexities of being alive.

The bulimic will binge grotesque amounts of food. She will literally assault herself with more food than a body can tolerate. She has no limit at all. The compulsive overeater will, at last, have to stop eating if only because of the pain of her distended stomach. Her body sets a final limit. The bulimic has no such limit. She experiences (in her mind) no consequences for the assault of food. When her body cannot bear more, she will vomit it all out. Then she will continue her binge. She may reach her body's limits many times. Each time she does she can throw up and continue.

Eventually she may stop because she is completely exhausted, or she is in danger of being discovered. "Enough" has no meaning to her. There are no limits and no consequences for disregarding her boundaries.

Realistically, of course, there are plenty of consequences. There is tremendous damage happening to the body. And each time people with an eating disorder assault themselves they destroy more of their spirit, soul, self-esteem, sanity, health and value to themselves and others. Each violation deepens their ritualistic behavior, and they become more entrenched in their disorder. The consequence of this is increasing anguish and despair.

So what do I mean by a history of boundary violations? Blatant and extreme boundary violations involve sexual molestation, sexual abuse and physical abuse. Much has been written about these areas now, especially in material exploring Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). Use your search engines to find some quality information posted on the internet in these subject areas.

There are other kinds of boundary violations, less dramatic, less discussed and more prevalent which are also devastating to a person's psyche. When, in the name of caretaking, people in authority take over a young person's life, it constitutes boundary invasion. When she has no privacy, when her diary is read, when her things are borrowed or taken without permission, when her efforts in school or sport are overwhelmed by someone else's ideas, goals or personality, when her choices are disregarded or treated with disdain, when she has little or no choice where her personal life, clothes, foods, friends, activities are concerned, her boundaries are being invaded.

Her boundaries are also invaded when, in the name of caretaking, she has no responsibilities of her own and no consequences for her actions. When "the little princess" or the "little prince" can have anything she asks for without putting forth any effort to earn such gifts, she learns nothing about personal effort, limits, consequences or what "enough" means. If she wants something, she gets it. That's all. If someone picks up her clothes, does her laundry, fixes her car, pays her bills, lets her "borrow" money or things and never asks for them back, she experiences no boundaries and no limits.

If she doesn't have to keep her promises, if she doesn't reciprocate with caring activities for people who care for her, she learns nothing useful about herself in relationship to other people. She certainly learns that there are no limits to her behavior or desires.

She doesn't learn that she has meaning and value. She doesn't learn that she can put that meaning and value within her to work to accomplish goals. For example, if she breaks something, whether it is a lamp or a car, her word or someone's heart, it can be up to her to make necessary repairs using her own resources and her own creativity. In such a process she would learn what effort means. She would learn what responsibility and consequences for actions mean. She would learn reasonable limits and reasonable expectations.

Without such learning all she learns are the tricks involved in being cute and manipulative to get what she wants. These are poor and insubstantial tools to rely on when building an adult life.

Somewhere inside, over time, she may gradually realize this. But, having no sense of boundaries, she will only become bewildered and anxious. She will use her eating disorder as a way to numb her feelings of anxiety. She will use her manipulating skills to get what she wants from whomever she can use.

As time goes by there will be less people who will allow themselves to be manipulated. The quality of her circle of associates will decline. She will find herself in bad company. This becomes all the more reason for her to rely on food for comfort. The people around her are less reliable all the time. And finally, they tolerate her presence only because they can manipulate her.

Then she is truly in a total victim position. Her manipulative skills backfire. There are people in this world who are better at manipulating and using than she. She has found them. She has become their target and then their prey. Reliable food or food rituals, including starvation, become her most valuable relationship.

Early in her development she learned through massive boundary invasions (which perhaps seemed so ordinary and unimportant at the time) that she was helpless to assert herself. She learned that she had no private or sacred space to cherish and respect. She also could not acknowledge -- often even to herself -- that she was being thwarted, invaded, controlled, manipulated and forced to deny large aspects of her natural self. She had no recourse except to comply. She complied and developed an eating disorder.

Now that she's older and her manipulation skills are failing her, she only has her eating disorder to rely on. This may be the most crucial time in this person's life. If her pain and despair are terrible enough and she is certain she can not bear this way of living anymore she still has choices. One is to continue down the road of self-destruction. The other is to reach out and get help.

It's a very tough position for her. She would have to recognize that she has had enough. She's never known what enough was. She would have to recognize that she can't bear any more pain. She's never known what a limit was. She'd have to be honest and reach out for genuine help. She has only known about manipulating others.

She's got to feel a lot of anguish and pain before she stretches beyond her life pattern into what might be a real healing and recovery path for herself. She's reaching for something she can't even imagine. No wonder it's so difficult for a person with an eating disorder to decide to get help and allow themselves to begin to trust someone with knowledge of their real personhood. She doesn't know that people exist who do respect and honor boundaries. She doesn't know that there are people who can and will honor and cherish her most private and sacred inner spaces. She doesn't know yet, that someday that trustworthy, respectful, steadfast and competent caretaker she needs so badly can be herself.

next: Anorexia: True Story in a Sister's Words
~ all triumphant journey articles
~ eating disorders library
~ all articles on eating disorders

Here's what's happening on the HealthyPlace site this week:

• A Personal Story About Bipolar Disorder and Life
• "When and Where to Get Help for Mental Health Issues" On HealthyPlace TV
• Anxiety and Panic Attacks

A Personal Story About Bipolar Disorder and Life

After the HealthyPlace TV Show on "The Devastation Caused by Untreated Bipolar Disorder", Marlene wrote in to share her personal story. It's full of twists and turns, provides a lot of insight into the person she was and is, and after facing many obstacles, she writes: "I have used the obstacles in my life as stepping-stones on my path to inner peace."

"When and Where to Get Help for Mental Health Issues" On HealthyPlace TV

Not a day goes by where we don't get at least a half dozen emails that start something like this: "I think I have a problem, but I'm not sure. But if I do, where do I get help?"

This Tuesday night, we're going to be answering those questions with help from our guest from the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). And if you have experienced difficulty in obtaining mental health treatment (whether from financial or other reasons), please consider being a guest on the show. All you need is a webcam and a fast internet connection (cable/dsl). Sharing your story can be helpful to many others.

As always, you'll be able to ask our guests your questions too. The show starts at 5:30p PT, 7:30 CT, 8:30 ET and airs live on our website.

• TV Show Blog with this week's show info
• Dr. Harry Croft's blog post on "When and Where to Get Help for Mental Health Issues"
• Amanda, our Support Network Manager, has suggestions on where to seek help for a mental health condition; especially if payment is a concern.
• How the HealthyPlace TV Show works and how you can participate during the show
• Click here for a list of previous HealthyPlace Mental Health TV Shows.

In the second half of the show, you get to ask Dr. Harry Croft, your personal mental health questions.

You can watch last week's show on "Soldiers and PTSD" by clicking the "on-demand" button on the video player on the HealthyPlace TV Show homepage.

Anxiety and Panic Attacks

A lot of people think it's depression, but anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness - affecting nearly 40 million American adults. Are you one of them?

If you're looking for anxiety self-help information or detailed info on any of the anxiety disorders, you have to visit Dr. Reid Wilson's "Anxieties Site" on HealthyPlace.com. Dr. Wilson is a licensed psychologist who directs the Anxiety Disorders Treatment Program in Chapel Hill and Durham, North Carolina. He is also Clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at the University of North Carolina School of Medicine.

Whether you are trying to get over your fear of flying or you want to know how to treat panic attacks or OCD, you'll find it here. Dr. Wilson has also written several anxiety self-help books and book/cd sets on treating different aspects of anxiety disorders.

back to: HealthyPlace.com Newsletter Index

Most of us, from time-to-time, have a bad day or two. It may be the result of a stressful situation occurring in our life, or it may be from the memory of a problem from the past, or perhaps a relationship issue - or, in some cases, for no reason at all. Usually these negative emotional states "lift" and moods return to normal. But sometimes the negative emotions remain and begin to cause changes in our day-to-day functioning. It is at this point that we need to decide "do I need to get some help for my mental state?" If the answer to the question is yes, then the next question is "what kind of help do I need?"

The questions are complicated by the fact that for most of us emotional problems are seen as loaded with stigma. We don't want to be mentally ill, and are often embarrassed by the fact that we even think of ourselves "that way." Even though we have, over the years, come a long way in recognizing that emotional and mental problems are not necessarily a sign of weakness or inadequacy, the stigma regarding mental illness is still present for many, often resulting in their denial of the existence of their symptoms.

So the first step in getting help is recognizing that something is wrong and admitting that you are having a tough time as a result of it. Next is to do some self-searching to see if you can figure out the cause and perhaps the solution. If you can't, then it is time to seek help. But where can you get that help?

The first place to look is in your own support network. It may be a family member or friend. Maybe people at work, at church, or those you associate with every day can help you better understand what is going on. The problem with your support network is that often, in an attempt not to hurt your feelings, they do not tell you the truth, but often a support group is just what you need to resolve your feeling problem.

Many clergy are trained to help with listening, advising and doing more professional counseling.

Sometimes a visit to your family physician can be a worthwhile starting place. They may often recommend a referral for therapy to a counselor, social worker or psychologist. Or they may suggest referral to a psychiatrist, a physician specializing in mental health care.

If you do go to a mental health professional, I implore you to be honest with them about your signs and symptoms. Don't hide feelings or thoughts because you are embarrassed. Often it is helpful to write down a history of your life and your symptoms in brief bullet-points. This exercise may do two things. First, in the preparation of the history you may gain insight into what is really happening, if it has happened before, and what usually occurs to make it go away. Second, when you do see the professional the list helps you become a better "historian" allowing you to get more information in early in treatment resulting in a more accurate assessment of your problem, and therefore more appropriate treatment of it.

Where to find such professional help is the subject of our HealthyPlace TV Show on Tuesday, March 24th, 2009 (watch the show by clicking the "on-demand" link on the player). I also recommend you search the HealthyPlace website for a list of psychiatric symptoms that may alert you to the need for mental health treatment, and what types of mental health treatments are available.

Most important of all -- DO NOT IGNORE your mental health symptoms, especially those causing ongoing distress or getting in the way of your day-to-day functioning.

(Ed. Note: Detailed overview of mental illness, psychological symptoms, and mental health treatments here.

Dr. Harry Croft is a Board-Certified Psychiatrist and Medical Director of HealthyPlace.com. Dr. Croft is also the co-host of the HealthyPlace TV Show.

next: PTSD: A Real Nightmare
~ other mental health articles by Dr. Croft

So offiially my husband and his mom are at the end of their mutual ropes... so not only are we both litterally crashing in her house, my son the only one with a bed, she's trying to raise my little guy and vehimently defending her position. My husband finaly tried to put her in her place and tell her that when he get's hurt he'd like him to go to me before her... she got very upset and they were yelling at each other and she left.

I NEED to get out but my husband refuses. I hate him right now because not only does he not seem to see that I'm almost suicidal but he also can't see that I will be suicidal if I stay in the middle of this VERY awkward situation. I want to stay else where until my husband gets his shit together and finds a better job so he can fucking afford to take care of us and move us OUT of his mom's house. Freaking looser won't take another job because it makes him unhappy... oh bitch and whine like he's the most specail person in the world and he has to be happy, the only person on earth who is happy in their work. fuck.

I'm gonna have some ice cream, throw it up, cut myself, drink some blood, and have another beer. fuck, I should put that on a freaking nightly checklist.

Information for Family and Friends of Sexual Abuse Survivors

What We Would Like You to Know About Us

We grew up feeling very isolated and vulnerable, a feeling that continues into our adult lives.

Our early development has been interrupted by abuse, which either holds us back or pushes us ahead developmentally.

Sexual abuse has influenced all parts of our lives. Not dealing with it is like ignoring an open wound. Our communication style, our self-confidence, and our trust levels are affected.

Putting thoughts and feelings related to our abuse "on the back burner" does not make them go away. The only way out is to go through their emotions and process them.

Our interest in sexual activity will usually decline while we are dealing with early trauma. This is because:

• We are working on separating the past from the present.
• Pleasure and pain can sometimes be experienced simultaneously.
• It is important for us to be in control since control is what we lacked as children.
• Sometimes we need a lot of space.
• Pressuring us to have sex will only increase our tension

We often experience physical discomforts, pains, and disorders that are related to our emotions.

We often appear to be extremely strong while we are falling apart inside.

There is nothing wrong with us as survivors - something wrong was DONE to us.

Sometimes others get impatient with us for not "getting past it" sooner. Remember, we are feeling overwhelmed, and what we need is your patience and support. Right now, it is very important for us to concentrate on the past. We are trying to reorganize our whole outlook on the world; this won't happen overnight.

Your support is extremely important to us. Remember, we have been trained to hold things in. We have been trained NOT to tell about the abuse. We did not tell sooner for a variety of reasons: we live with that fear.

Feeling sorry for us does not really help because we add your pain to our own.

There are many different kinds of people who are offenders. It does not matter that they are charming, attractive, or wealthy. Anybody - from any social class or ethnic background, with any level of education - may be an offender. Sexual abuse is repetitive, so be aware of offenders with whom you have contact. Do not let them continue the cycle of abuse with the next generation of children.

We might not want or be able to talk with you about our therapy.

We are afraid we might push you away with all our emotional reactions. You can help by listening, reassuring us that you are not leaving, not pressuring us, touching (WITH PERMISSION) in a non-sexual way.

Our therapy does not break up relationships - it sometimes causes them to change as we change. Therapy often brings issues to the surface that were already present.

Grieving is a part of our healing process as we say goodbye to parts of ourselves.

From - Triumph over Darkness by Wendy Ann Wood, M.A.,1993

next: Why Dig Into The Past?
~ all Holli's Triumph Over Tragedy articles
~ all abuse library articles
~ all articles on abuse issues

An abuse survivor's perspective by Terry "GhostWolf" Davidson

Many times, abuse survivors are told by well-meaning, but ill-informed people, "Why dig into the past? It's over, get on with your life."

"Some kinds of abuse are like scratches; a simple cleansing and a bandaid are all that's needed. Other kinds of abuse are like a compound fracture; the damage can be healed only if immediate treatment is afforded. If not, bones, tendons, and muscles do not set properly - and even if the injury looks healed from the outside, the damage is still there, causing discomfort and even crippling pain years later. One does not apply a "bandaid" to that kind of injury; instead, the damaged leg (metaphorically speaking) must be rebroken and reset so that it may heal properly.

In many cases, the mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical injuries resulting from abuse are untreated compound fractures that never healed properly. To illustrate my point, here's an example of an "injury" that I'm still working on healing:

--Guilt. Guilt that did not and could not be resolved until I dug into the past. Yes, it IS good that the child and adult in you talk. Some of the best breakthroughs and recovery I've had are the result of really looking at who I was as a child, of looking at what I really felt then, and how that has shaped my life. The two are inextricably linked.

Could you please explain to me more about how the two, child and adult, are linked? How did you experience this?

This part got my special attention because it's what I am working on right now. I have confusing feelings towards my parents. My biological mom told me not to dig into the past. I believe she feared that what I would discover would cause me to despise and hate her. I wanted to know what happened. But I didn't know why I want to know it. It almost started to become an obsession.

I believe that in many, if not most cases, those who vehemently demand that we not dig into the past, fear what we may find. Like my own genetic mother, their self-esteem is already low due to the shame and guilt they bear for past misdeeds and abuse, and they are not in a place where they can face it again or deal with it.

My mother's hold on reality is shaky at best and it wouldn't take much to push her over the edge. She was very aware of what she had done and feared what I would remember and what I might uncover. I had no desire to push her over that edge and spent much of my time when talking to her reassuring her that I do not hate her, that all I seek is information, answers to gaps in information I have. As time went on, it became easier each time to talk to her about the past. She learned that I wouldn't attack or condemn her and because I listened to her, she found out that sharing her own horrors and feelings with her son - one of her victims - me, was healing for her. She had kept it locked inside herself all these years.

It took my "digging into the past" to give her the key to unlocking her own experiences - to give her an outlet and some measure of peace, and give me answers to the horrors I experienced as a child. It took that "digging into the past" to give me peace, to decrease the guilt I've carried for so many years over my genetic father's death, a guilt that contributed directly to my becoming a "caretaker".

First, I'll describe what happened to create that guilt and how that guilt was compounded - using the metaphor, how the original compound fracture happened. Following that, I'll describe what "digging in the past" revealed about what happened - metaphorically, this is the resetting of the injury so that it may heal properly.

The Origin of the Guilt

Note: This section is written from the "pre-digging" perspective.

In late 1956, I asked my Dad to show me where he worked. I was six-and-a-half years old at the time. It was a very early Saturday morning when he took me to his workplace in the Mojave desert.

That part of the desert is well-known for very dense fog and we left just as it was starting to get light outside, driving through the fog. Halfway there, my father pulled off the road completely so he could smoke his pipe. He never drove while smoking it.

He was leaning against the left front fender of the car when a drunk driver came out of the fog from the other direction, slowed down a little bit, and then crossed over the line to hit us head on -- with my father sandwiched between the cars.

The drunk then backed up and stopped. I got out and ran to the front of the car - blood was everywhere. My father had been torn open from chest to crotch by the impact but he was still alive. I pulled him into my lap as he touched my face. I saw his heart beat twice. Then he was dead.

All during my childhood and teen years, I blamed myself for his death. After all, if I had not wanted to see where he worked, what he did, we would never have been on that road that morning, right? True, he could have been killed in a different accident, or died some other way, but he was there that morning because I wanted to see where he worked, and I had thrown a fit until he acceded to taking me.

Then in 1971, I got the first clue to what had really happened, but I didn't know it at the time. Art's mother had died and I inherited her journals. Art is my mother's biological father. Both Art and his mother were active - very active - in the cult that abused me and my siblings. In those journals was an account of how the members of the cult cast a "spell" to cause my fathers' death - one week before he died. Yeah, right? Being the skeptic that I am, I brushed that off as so much hocus-pocus and admittedly, one hell of a coincidence.

Then, in 1973, the guilt over my Dad's death was compounded dramatically. Like myself, my sister never forgot what was done to us and like me, she took the (unsuccessful) approach, "It's over, done with, get on with your life."

That approach doesn't stop the nightmares, dissociation, flashbacks or abreactions. It became so bad for her that she tried to drown the pain with alcohol and drugs. One evening in early 1973, she called me, pleading with me to come over to talk with her, be with her as she went through one particularly bad flashback. I brushed her off because I just did not want to take the time. I had no commitments that night, I could have gone, but didn't. She wrote a suicide note, then overdosed on drugs and alcohol.

Our legal guardians found her before she died and got her to the hospital in time to save her life. She was in a coma for several months and emerged from the coma blind, quadriplegic and brain-fried. That was in 1973. She's 43 years old now, still blind, still quadriplegic, with an IQ of less than 60.

More guilt

In 1982, my ex-brother-in-law, who worked at the same company I did, wanted to talk to me about a very tumultuous relationship he was in with a married woman who was separated from her husband. I brushed him off too. Two hours later he was dead, murdered by the woman's estranged husband. More guilt. And this time, there was a flood of feelings and sensations going all the way back to that roadside in 1956. Two deaths, and one that might as well have been a death, all on my hands. Those three incidents (among other things) shaped what became my "caretaking" mode; an intense determination, in all honesty, an obsession, to make sure that no one who asked me for help got turned away.

Sounds noble, but it isn't. Caretaking is a very good way to avoid looking at one's own pains; to avoid dealing with and working through issues. (See Repercussions - Caretaking for more on caretaking.) I was in a closed loop with no way out.

Until I started reading asar...

As I read asar, I related to what others had experienced; the sense of "yeah, I know that feeling" and "yeah, I've been there, done that"; and with those feelings came memories. You know what that's like: you see a freshly-baked lemon-meringue pie, and all of a sudden, there's the memory of Grandma in the kitchen, beaming as she brings her blue-ribbon pie to the table. Things like that.

It took 2 years worth of asar to blow my denial right out of the water, to start healing those untreated injuries. And it started with me digging into the past to find out what really happened.

The Beginning of Healing

I started digging by talking to my genetic mother. I was taken away from her in 1960, and did not see her again until 1995. Even though I had regained voice contact with her in 1986 via the phone, she and I only acknowledged that she had abused me and that she was remorseful.

It wasn't until 1995 when I finally met her again face-to-face - that I started really digging and then asking other family members to confirm or disprove what my mother shared. My mother shared much (and validated much in the process) about my childhood. In particular, she provided information I did not have and did not know.

The cult had indeed performed a "black magic" blood ceremony that was supposed to result in my Dad's death; my mother provided some of my Dad's hair for that ceremony. That ritual was performed for the "benefit" of the cult's rank and file. They did not reveal to the rank and file what actually was done.

The high priestess, "Lilith", and one other cult member came down to the town where my sister, Peggy and I lived with my Dad and stepmother and spent several days tracking my Dad's activities. My mother supplied them with some information on his activities and information on the "town drunk" - which they used along with money and booze - to pay the drunk to "do them a favor."

So it was no accident and as more details were revealed, other things began to make sense to me.

After the drunk backed up, he got out of his car and walked up to us. I was trying to put my Dad back together. I can still feel the warmth and wetness of my Dad's blood and intestines and his heart as I tried so very damned hard to fix him, to save him. I looked up at the drunk, hoping he could help, but he was shaking his head, crying over and over again "I shouldn't have taken the money". I didn't know then what he was talking about and didn't find out until 1995.

The town drunk was the same man who approached me after school earlier that week of the accident, asking me if I liked "show and tell" in class, asking me what I shared. When I told him I had nothing neat to share, he mentioned that my Dad worked with explosives in the oil fields (my Dad was a part-time seismologist among other odd jobs), and wouldn't that be neat if my Dad would take me to show me where he worked and what he did.

The drunk was set up, I was set up, used by my genetic mother, grandfather, and great-grandmother. Lilith was at the funeral. My Dad was murdered. Those bastards used a child, used me to get to my Dad. I no longer feel guilty about my Dad's death. But I lived with that guilt for nearly 40 years. I still struggle with the guilt over my sister's suicide attempt and my ex-brother-in-law's murder. That guilt, however, has been greatly lessened by what I've learned by digging in the past.

So why dig into the past?

To heal. To recover. To uncover the truths that can eliminate the guilt and pain and shame that does not belong to us.

It's obvious now why my mother didn't want me digging into the past. She knew I would discover the truth, that she is to blame for so much of the hell I, and my siblings, had to endure. She knows that I know she is far more responsible for what happened to my sister than I am and she fears what I'll do with that knowledge. How is the "child" of then linked with the "adult" of now.

What the child experienced gave birth to the guilt and pain the adult carries - crippling guilt and pain that resulted in dysfunctional actions as an adult.

Digging into the past resulted in the here-and-now adult comprehending the truth, resulted in the awakening of compassion, belief, and love for the child-then - and for the adult self - now. It allowed me to finally grieve for the child I once was - for the child I was never allowed to be...

next: The Ten Stages of The Recovery Process
~ all Holli's Triumph Over Tragedy articles
~ all abuse library articles
~ all articles on abuse issues

1. Self-Exploration and Self-Discovery
   You will explore your past and present to discover the truth about you.
2. Relationship history / inventory
   You'll examine and perhaps reset your personal boundaries.
3. Addiction control
   You'll get a handle on your addictions and compulsions and take the first steps toward mastering them.
4. Leaving home and saying good-bye
   You'll say the goodbyes appropriate to healing. You may think you did that years ago. Probably you didn't.
5. Grieving your loss
   Grieving is both the bottom of the curve, the very pits of your emotions and feelings, and also the start upward. It's almost like your dentist hanging up his drill. You know he's not done yet, but the worst is over.
6. New self-perceptions
   You will gain fresh perceptions about yourself and make new decisions. What an eye-opener this stage is!
7. New experiences
   You will build a foundation of new experiences to bolster the decisions you've just made.
8. Reparenting
   You will rebuild your past in a sense, and also the present and future, as you become involved in what we call reparenting.
9. Relationship accountability
   You will establish accountability for your new and refreshed personal relationships.
10. Maintenance
    You will embark on a maintenance program that will keep you on track for the remainder of your life.