Life Before & After Hospitalization (BH & AH)

Bipolar Disorder Left Untreated:  'It was the best of times.  It was the worst of times...' 

Journaling, I recently learned, is a healthy coping skill.  My mother used tell me keeping a diary was bad because she was somewhat paranoid that people could find them and use them against you.  I suppose that there have been situations like that.  But now I think that it's how we deal with those types of stressful situations that stregthens us (or breaks us). That's one of the things I learned from her that needs to be unlearned.  I think it was Renee Descartes who said, 'The unexamined life is not a life worth living.' I think he's right. 

If what you read seems out of order, it's because I'm still getting chronologically organized.  Some notes BH and during hospitalization were all over the place, much like my mania. I'll work daily to update and hopefully get it worked out within a week or so.

"Go in peace my daughter. And remember that, in a world of ordinary mortals, you are a Wonder Woman." - Queen Hippolyte from the original Wonder Woman series

 I put things in italics like healthy coping skill to remind me to work on those things.  It's very weird that I have to relearn those.  I'm a psychology student, 2nd-ish year, and have been a fairly strong force in my community in terms of volunteering, holding offices, and helping to start successful community programs. 

Little did I know that I wasn't wonder woman after all.  That's what it seemed like everybody thought of me.  A single and solo parent raising two children who excel in different areas.  Decent jobs.  And before bipolar symptoms came to a head, I was a mover and a shaker.  I negotiated in medium markets with commercial buyers in the home decor industry.  I was a closer.  I was an upseller.  I was sometimes flown out to help our sales reps close deals.  I made things happen.  But bipolar disorder made me remember that I'm human after all.  I never thought in a million years that bipolar disorder would be my kryptonite.  (acceptance, healthy coping skill). 

I've had bipolar disorder for a long time, and didn't realize it.  It just finally got to the point where it was completely unmanageable for me (and others around me).  But I intend to work on everything that can help leverage mental health for me.  I refuse to let the label and effects of bipolar steal my dreams and potential!

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If you feel like commenting, or further discussion, or have had a similar experience, and would like to share it, please feel free to do so.  This is a no condemnation zone.  I'm open to new ideas, or at least trying to figure out how to better cope with life situations.  I think I'm not alone in that. Hey, help a sister out!  :)

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 Sunday, October 26, 2009

'Reunited, and it feels so good...' - Peaches & Herb, Reunited

Highlight: My son made an excuse for his friend to leave early from our house after a sleepover.  He said he wanted me all to himself that day. :) (BH: He made excuses to spend time away from home, with friends and their families, to avoid having to deal with my moodiness and temper *sigh*).  We really had a great time, and he was his happy, goofy self.  It felt great! :)

'For god sakes, Captain, she's gonna blow!' - Scotty, Star Trek

Bummer: My best friend attacked me like a pitt bull about my change in weight, appearance, and responsibilities. She went from overly critical mode, to nagging mode, to ‘you're stronger than that and better than that' mode regarding my smoking.

After explaining that I can only conquer one major goal at a time in a realistic way, and that smoking cessation will come later, she went into in anger mode.  Whew, was she angry!  If spit could come through a phone, my face would have been drenched!  So I held it away from me and pretended to look for invisible off switches.

Then she posed a question:  ‘Is getting stabilized more important at the moment than quitting smoking?'  To me the answer was a no-brainer.  ‘Yes,' I answered.  She was just not a happy camper. I'd quit before for almost two years, and started up last summer as a way to self medicate (a very poor way to cope!) with the stress of really difficult and painful situations in the space of three months.  Let's just say it was a reeeeeally long summer from hell, that I'm sure helped to push me over the edge.

'Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking.' - Pete McCroskey, Airplane

Consideration: She's a nursing student.  Of course with her focus on the human body right now will make her freak out at the possibility of my lungs going to hell.  (I'm not condoning my nicotine addiction at all.  I just want to listen to my body and set realistic goals.  My intuition says I won't function very well psychologically if trying to stabilize on new, psychotropic drugs, AND trying to detox from nicotine simultaneously.  Plus I got a physical in the last two months, and have gotten a green light for my overall health-including lungs.  That doesn't mean I'm saying it's OK for me to smoke, but I think it's OK for me to set a goal of one or two months out to quit. ) I love her very much regardless.  She cares enough to try to protect me, although at the time she's going to drive me crazy (or crazier, or recrazy Hahahaha).                         

Keepin' it real                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

Highlight: I was agitated with my best friend's rant, but the agitation wasn't exaggerated.  :) I just thought of how difficult I'd been to deal with in my moodiness and manic states.  I figured it was her time to vent.  BH, I would have lashed out on her badly.  I can be vicious, too. I decided to be assertive (healthy coping skill), instead of holding in my feelings until boiling over. I simply stated what I believed to be true of me and my situation in a more realistic manner (healthy coping skill).  I also chose not to argue the points she made, but to let her fizzle out.  I'm sure at some point she's had to do that for me, probably many more times than I realize.

'It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept.' - Bill Watterson, author of Calvin & Hobbs comic strips 

Conclusion: In AH phase, I'm seeing more positive changes within myself to handle life situations that would have otherwise ‘set me off.'  I think denial of bipolar disorder symptoms, or not giving enough weight to them (BH: ‘I know I have a problem, I'll deal with it soon.'  'Soon' was a key word for ‘procrastinate.') began to dull my interpersonal skills to the point where meaningful relationships with my loved ones were overcome by selfishness.   I started to put my needs, issues, and exaggerated feelings above theirs, instead of taking proactive steps to deal with mine. 

'Only the lonely, know the way I feel tonight.' - Roy Orbison, Only the Lonely

Being ‘hermitized,' as my daughter calls it, doesn't help either.  I can't practice interpersonal skills in a vacuum. It makes me see how important group participation is, more so than before. My family is starting to be drawn to me instead of away.  The kids want to spend lots of time with me now. Since one is a preteen, and the other a teen, that says a lot!  Life quality is on the upswing with relationships! :)

Monday, October 26, 2009 - PM

'I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it now.' - Queen, I Want It All

BH I was sleeping 2-6 hours per night.  Once I even slept for 1/2 hour and woke up refreshed.  Whoa!  I would be energyless and lethargic most days.  Part of our sleep is designed to repair our bodies.  Sleep deprivation also adds more stress, and most likely, adds to manic episodes' occurrence and frequency.  During hospitalization, I had the chance to get on a regular sleep schedule thanks to their structure and the meds.

During euphoria, I would just push myself unmercifully.  That feeling of the sky being the limit at the time seems amazing, full of ambition, almost magical.  But I ran my body hard during those times.  I was basically being hostile to myself.  Very rigid.  And very unrealistic in expectations.

'Just like groovin, on a Sunday afternoon.' - Young Rascals, Groovin

I'm  just now getting back into the communication groove after being hospitalized for 5 days at an acute treatment unit, recently. 

It's been just over a week since I've started dosing with meds that zero in on bipolar disorder symptoms.   This is the adjustment phase.  I wish they would work as quickly as the rapid cycling.  Like I want to be 'normal' yesterday.  Definitely working on realistic goals.

I managed to journal some initial reactions and observations during that time.  Police and restrictions were involved.  That's all I'm saying for now.  I'm ending this blog pretty abruptly. My body says it needs to be horizontal and resting.  I aim to please.

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Tue, Oct 27, 2009 - AM

A pyschological type of hook for advertising - Three main emotions are appealed to resulting in peaked interest: Fear, sex, and humor (and are not rational).  - Lopez, A. (2004). Advertising Analysis. http://www.medialiteracy.net/pdfs/hooks.pdf

Note: My previous experience posted with the phrase 'police and restrictions' was a cheap ploy to get readers hooked on the story.  That experience did happen, I thought I might add try to add some suspense.  It was a wild experience for sure, but the results were positive. 

After all, humor is the best medicine.  If you're really curious as to what happened, I'll be updating my blog regularly this week.  At some point they'll show up in text. :)

Plus, I was just too tired to continue blogging last night.  I'm learning how to discern my physical needs.  BH, I used to either go full blast, or just become a slug.  I've finally gotten out of the pit of a major depressive episode, and am actually sleeping regularly, I think due to partly to the medication, and partly to getting into a regular routine.

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Sun, Nov 1, 2009

A Beautiful Mind

Bummer - I actually had updated my before and during hospitalization experiences, but *GASP* I didn't save my entries, and--for some reason--the computer shut down.  Luckily, I had been keeping a MW document with the info on it, just not all of it was on there.  I'm working on a project that needs priority, so I'll have to finish updating next week.

Highlight - Though losing that information was very frustrating, it was a NORMAL frustration :)  Before meds I would have acted like someone just ran over my dog.  What a great feeling to focus my energy on positive stuff instead of exaggerating everything.

Food for Thought - One of the biggest fears I had before getting treatment is that I would never get my motivation back.  I just basically didn't care about anything any more, whether I lived or died, whether I found my purpose and went forward or not.  Now that I'm on drug and talk therapy, I'm seeing a future worth living.

"All that we need to make us happy is something to be enthusiastic about.  Nothing happens until something moves". - Albert Einstein

To find what lights our candles, floats our boats, or have a spring in our step is the only way be able to move forward EFFECTIVELY.  BPD made either crippled my motivation, or robbed it from me entirely, at least BH.  I think part of our joy in life is being able to imagine, or daydream, about something that makes us enthusiastic.  That requires a clear mental picture.  How clear can our vision be if BP is distorting our emotions and thoughts?  That bites!  Little by little it eats away the ability to know ourselves, to know what really matters most to us. 

AH I am definitely going to make a therapy goal of knowing thyself.  Just because BPD through a wrench in the cog doesn't mean the cog can't be restored to motion again.  Screw the wrench!  I intend to get reaquainted with myself and my purpose.

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