not a good day

I think today I felt even worse then the day that I tried to kill myself. I don't understand where these feelings are coming from. I JUST WANT THE PAIN TO STOP!!!!

I went as far today as to think about who I would leave my dog with, what to write in the e-mails and letters that I would send, who to give my important things to. The last time, I didn't think about any of that, I just took the pills. About ten minutes later, I went to my neighbor's house and told her what I had done. I guess that I really didn't want to die that day, but today was so different. I really wanted to end all of this pain, stress, anxiety and depression.

I had planned to take a bottle of vodka and my meds and go down to the river, where I would take the pills, drink the boose and then wait to get tired before going for a swim. I still feel like that sounds like a good plan.

Instead, I  stayed in bed and cried all day. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I don't want to go anywhere or do anything or see anyone. I would be content to just stay in bed till I finally died.

I wrote this little poem today:

Ah, sleep.

beautiful, permanent sleep.

to take away all this pain, all this misery,

can I? should I? will I?

each day brings a different answer.

Ah, to know what tomorrow will bring.