Day two and feeling blue

It's 10am and I have gone on a short walk (all I can handle) of about a half hour and I picked up some blue berries and strawberries at the store on the way back. Anyway, I am anxious about my 11:30 intake appointment but I will be there. I keep getting flash back memories about the times I really screwed up in my past and they are triggering all sorts of guilt and self loathing. That's why I blame myself as much as my illness for where I am today. Thinking back I can see that I have had all the opportunities that a person can ever expect in life and I consistently threw them away for some unexplainable inner desire for inexplicable reason. I am here because I have placed myself here. I have had the most wonderful people in my life and as of yet I have failed them all. I know that the reason I am the way I am now is because of a disorder in my thought process but it doesn't excuse me from the blame I feel. I just think of all the people out there with problems as bad and much worse than me and they find the strength to go on. They don't allow themselves to call "time out I'm sick" they forge ahead, god bless them. I won't dwell on this anymore, I need to focus on the path ahead of me. I do wish that I could forgive myself for being such a coward.