"This dance of Codependence is a dance of dysfunctional relationships - of relationships that do not work to meet our needs. That does not mean just romantic relationships, or family relationships, or even human relationships in general.

The fact that dysfunction exists in our romantic, family, and human relationships is a symptom of the dysfunction that exists in our relationship with life - with being human. It is a symptom of the dysfunction which exists in our relationships with ourselves as human beings.

The more we enlarge our perspective, the closer we get to the cause instead of just dealing with the symptoms. For example, the more we look at the dysfunction in our relationship with ourselves as human beings the more we can understand the dysfunction in our romantic relationships.

As was stated earlier, our perspective of life dictates our relationship with life. This is true for all types of relationships. Our perspective of God dictates our relationship with God. Our perspective of what a man or a woman is, dictates our relationship with ourselves as men or women, and with other men and women. Our perspective of our emotions dictates our relationship with our own emotional process.

Changing our perspectives is absolutely vital to the growth process."

Spirituality is a word that describes relationship. How one defines the word controls one's relationship with the word. If one defines spirituality as one's relationship to god - then the relationship is dependent on how one defines god. If one defines spirituality as one's relationship to the spirit - then the relationship is dependent on how one defines spirit. The thing that is so important in regard to healing and recovery, is to realize that you have the right to chose definitions that work for you. No one has to accept any one else's definition - no matter what any religion contends.

This was what was so revolutionary about the twelve step process introduced by Alcoholics Anonymous. It is based on the premise that each individual can develop a personal relationship with a Higher Power of their own understanding. I find it really amusing that so many 12 step meetings meet in churches whose religion would brand this belief heresy. As I state in my book, the twelve step process started a revolution in spiritual consciousness.

In order to be open to looking at the concept of spirituality from a new perspective, it is vital to be willing to look at our definitions, at the beliefs that dictate our relationship with the word/concept. On an intellectual level, it is very important to be willing to look at our mental attitudes, beliefs, and definitions - both conscious and subconscious - in order to get clear with ourselves about what the word/concept means to us individually and personally. Until we do that, we are reacting to what the word meant to them. Until we become willing to look at how our intellectual paradigm is dictating our relationship, we are giving power to the very institutions and people who wounded us.

As with any other issue in recovery there is an intellectual/mental level of healing and transformation that is important, and there is also an emotional level - which is separate from, but intimately interrelated with, the intellectual.

One of the greatest blocks to communication is that some words are emotionally charged. They are words that trigger an automatic emotional reaction within us. To use a trigger word in an argument - a word such as controlling or manipulative - can turn a discussion into a battle instantly. When someone flings a trigger word at us, or we at them, it is like we have just shot an arrow into them. It usually causes them to go on the defensive and start flinging some arrows back at us - or perhaps go into some other defensive mode, such as crying or walking out.

Using trigger words blocks communication. And we usually use them consciously (although we certainly may not be honest enough to admit it at the time - or even later, depending on the level of our recovery.) We use them in reaction - because we have been hurt or are scared, because we are trying manipulate and control the other person. (Using a word like manipulate or control to describe someone else's behavior to them, is almost always an attempt to control and manipulate the person we are accusing of that behavior.)

For the purposes of this discussion, what is important is to realize that trigger words fall into realm of cause and effect. We are born with a certain personality - we are not born with certain words programmed as emotional triggers. Emotional triggers fall entirely in the province of experience. We have an emotional charge attached to certain words because of our life experience. In other words, we have a relationship to that word that is a result of emotional experiences in our life.

Spirituality is a trigger word for some people. God is a trigger word for many people. Religion is a major trigger word. That these are trigger words is not bad or wrong or abnormal. What is important is to realize that these are emotional trigger words for a reason - there is a cause that has produced this effect, and it is emotional. We do not have emotional trigger words because of intellectual disagreement. Trigger words carry emotional charge because of emotional wounds. As long as we are not willing to look for the cause behind our emotional relationship with a word we are still giving power to our past and whatever circumstance caused our emotional wound. Giving power to past emotional wounds causes us to not see reality clearly today - and that is what is dysfunctional, allowing the past to interfere with the present in such a way that we are not open to all possible choices.

So, we have emotional relationships with certain words. (This is also true of many other things: gestures - someone pointing a finger at you, tone of voice, sounds, smells, etc.) As I mentioned, there are also words that describe relationship. When a word that describes relationship is also a trigger word, it dictates our relationship with whatever concept, idea, dynamic, etc., that word describes.

When we have a powerful emotional charge associated with a word, it affects our relationship with any other words which we see as directly connected to that word - concept, idea, dynamic, etc.

Having a powerful and negative emotional charge associated with the concept/word god, caused me to also have negative reactions to anything I saw as being associated with that concept I was emotionally abused with in childhood. Because of that shaming, abusive concept of a god the father who might send me to burn in hell forever - I did not want anything to do with: religion, Christianity, Jesus, etc. I also saw the evil actions that were perpetrated in the name of that god/religion in the course of history - which gave me even more reason to reject the concept out of hand and completely.

By rejecting the concept, and allowing it to pollute my relationship with other words/concepts, I was limiting myself and my personal universe. I talk about this emotional trigger in the article Jesus and Mary Magdalene-Jesus, Sexuality, and the Bible.

"I was severely Spiritually abused growing up in a very shame-based religion that taught me that I was born sinful and that there was a God who loved me but might send me to burn in hell forever for being human (i.e. getting angry, making mistakes, being sexual. etc.) I still have some very tender wounds about the effect those teachings have had on my life. As I write this my eyes filled with tears of sadness about that little boy being taught what I believe are such abusive and spirit destroying concepts. I still have a great deal of anger that this abuse was perpetrated on me, and that so many other children were, and are, being abused by these types of teachings - which are in my belief the very opposite of the Truth of a Loving God-Force.

I have done a lot of healing around these wounds and they don't have nearly the power they used to have only a few years ago. In fact, the only thing which I might even consider changing in my book "The Dance of Wounded Souls" is the tone which I use on one page in talking about the abuse which has been perpetrated in the name of Jesus by people who were acting the very reverse of what I believe Jesus taught. I absolutely believe what I say in my book but now, with a few more years of healing of those wounds, I might say it a little less stridently, in a little softer manner

Because I still have buttons that can be pushed in relationship to my wounding, I try to be careful to not react when I sense in someone else the kind of rigid shame-based belief system that was so damaging to me."

Even up to a year ago, I would cringe when I got an e-mail from someone who described what I was writing as Christian - because I had such a negative emotional charge associated with Christianity and Christian religion as I had experienced it.

As long as I was reacting to twisted and perverted interpretations of what Christianity said Jesus taught, I was incapable of looking for any Truth in the messages of the man Jesus. Through being willing to look at my intellectual attitudes (and transform them when I found that worked for me) and do the emotional healing (which involved a great deal of grief and rage work, especially rage work) I was able to change my relationship with the concept of God enough to take away the negative power that I had formally given to the word. Then I could stop having wearing blinders caused by old reactions.

I am using this illustration as simply an example here - I am not saying that anyone reading this needs to come to the same understanding of God, or religion, or Jesus, that I have evolved. (Obviously, from my use above of the word "perverted," I still do have some charge in relationship to those old wounds.)

My point is, that because of my emotional wounds I was not able or willing to look for Truth in any arena that was related to the shame based religion which so wounded me. In my quest for a relationship with myself, with life, and with the Universe, that worked better than the one I had learned growing up, I needed to be willing to look for Truth anywhere and everywhere. I could not see the larger picture, make a paradigm shift, until I became open to looking at different perspectives from a different perspective.

The first step in that process was to divorce the word spirituality from the concept of religion. I made a choice to start seeing spirituality as being much larger than religion. In other words, spirituality is not religion - although some religions can contain some spirituality.

I started looking at spirituality as a word that described my relationship to life. To life, to the Universe, to myself and other human beings, to a Higher Power - if there were such a thing. It was very beneficial to me, to take the negative emotional charge out of my relationship with the word spirituality. It was a very powerful transformational experience for me to open up and enlarge my intellectual definitions of spirituality - and any words or concepts that I felt were related to spirituality.

It was a major step, in the process of moving toward freedom from the past, for me to stop letting the religion I grew up in have power in determining my relationship with life today. In the story of my healing journey that I am writing in my Joy2MeU Journal, I talk about how my recovery from codependence began when I realized that I was still reacting to life emotionally out of the subconscious beliefs instilled in my childhood (that life was about sin and punishment, and I was a sinner who deserved to be punished) even though on a conscious level I had thrown out those beliefs 20 years earlier.

My conscious recovery from codependence started when I became willing to look at the cause and effect relationship between my childhood and my adult life. More specifically, it involved a paradigm shift which allowed me to stop empowering the shame based religious beliefs I was raised with and start empowering myself to own that I had choices. By starting to become aware of my choices I was able to change my relationship with life and vastly improve the quality of my life experience. It was also a major step on the path to learning how to Love myself.

I have chosen to develop a relationship with the concept of spirituality that works very well for me. It works to make my life easier and more enjoyable today. It works to help me: relax and let go of some of my fears; let go of shame and self judgment; to be in the moment today and have the freedom to be happy and find Joy in being alive - no matter what the outside conditions in my life may be today.

My relationship with the concept of spirituality today is one that both brings me comfort and empowers me. My philosophy in regard to spirituality is summed up pretty well in a quote from one of my next books which I use on the Spiritual Pages index page of my site.

"Spirituality is all about relationships. One's relationship to self, to others, to the environment, to life in general. A Spiritual belief system is simply a container for holding all our other relationships. Why not have one that is large enough to hold it all."

By doing the intellectual reprogramming and emotional healing, I have enlarged my definition, shifted my paradigm, into one that is large enough to work for me in helping me to live a happier life today.

Atheist and agnostic are both words that have power in defining self in relationship to life. You may feel that defining yourself as an atheist or agnostic is working very well for you in your life. If it is, right on. I honor your choice and your right to make that choice. I honor the rebel in you who would not allow doctrine to impose it's dictatorship on you.

I would just ask you to consider if it is possible that your self definition is limiting your choices in the same way that one who blindly accepts the Christian concept of god is limiting themselves. Any time we empower a rigid belief - either because it is the doctrine of some religion, or in reaction to emotional wounds - we are limiting ourselves in our perspectives of life, of ourselves, of everything and everybody. We are enslaving ourselves to a dictatorship when we are in reaction to old wounds and old tapes. We are limiting our freedom.

The question here is not right or wrong - it is not black and white. The question is: "How is it working for you?" "Is the way you are living your life working to meet your needs?" "Are the ways in which you choose to define yourself working to make life a happier, more enjoyable experience for you?

I am not here to tell you what you should believe. I am merely sharing what I have learned, the insights that I have gained in my journey. As I say, in several places in my book:

"I offer this as I offer everything else that I am sharing here - as an alternate perspective for you to consider."

So, now I have a large web page written and have touched on only one of the perspectives of spirituality that I had planned on including. One more time a simple article has turned into a series. The next article will be a scientific view of spirituality entitled Quantum Spirituality.

To wrap up this article, I want to refer back to the quote from my book that talks about there being some Truth in every religion, philosophy, etc. This is also Truth in relationship to atheism and agnosticism. I would like to end this by sharing some quotes from my writings in which I make statements that are at least somewhat in alignment with these philosophies.

For atheists who deny the existence of a God, I would offer a quote from my Trilogy that supports the belief that there is no God - as it is defined in the traditional Western concept of a Supreme Being.

(In both the reference that I use here to what defines an atheist, and the one I will use shortly for agnostic, I want to acknowledge that these are simplistic, one dimensional depictions of such beliefs that do not speak to the totality of anyone's philosophy. I do not mean to demean or diminish anyone's beliefs by this - I am simply trying to communicate a point.)

"Once upon a time, there was a dream of creation. This Creation Dream, like all dreams of creation, was projected within the heart of ALL THAT IS.

This Creation Dream is the result of a brilliant concept of the imagination of the ONE consciousness of ALL THAT IS. ALL THAT IS is the sea of energy that is everything which exists in Reality. This great sea of energy vibrates in ONENESS at the frequency of Absolute Harmony, LOVE, and has been called by a multitude of names. Many of these names will be referred to in the course of this story but, for the sake of simplicity and clarity, the names most often used will be God or The Goddess, with occasional use of I AM, The Holy Mother Source Energy, or The Great Spirit. All of these titles refer to the great sea of energy that is ALL THAT IS.

And this sea of energy, The Goddess, is one very smart cookie.

(Which would seem to be the prime requirement for the job of being the ALL-Knowing, ALL-Powerful Source although, God knows, many humans continue to limit their concept of a Higher Power to something small, petty, and humanoid. God, by the way, is not a "Supreme Being" because The Goddess is not a "being". God is the energy of ALL THAT IS vibrating at LOVE and as such will not be referred to by the personal pronoun "she", which in any case would be much more accurate than "he". More will be revealed.)"

from The Dance of the Wounded Souls Trilogy Book 1: History of the Universe (Part I)

I agree with agnostics who maintain that any God/Source/First Cause is unknowable - beyond human understanding or comprehension. Below is a quote from my book, and one more from my Trilogy. The one from my Trilogy states very nicely the point that I have been trying to make in this article: that enlarging our intellectual paradigm is not something to be done to try figure out what is right or to know absolute truth - it is something we can do to change our perspective of life so that we can change our relationship with our self and with life. Being open to growth is an act of Love that can help us heal our relationship with our self - and that to me is what spirituality is all about.

"There is nothing shameful or bad about being human!

We are NOT being punished for something some dude did in a Garden thousands of years ago!!!

We are NOT being punished because some angels tried a coup díetat on some bearded male god!

We are NOT being punished, as some of the new age psychics and channeled entities claim, as the result of our ancestors becoming trapped in the lower vibrational frequencies because they liked sex too much, or procreated with animals.

THAT IS ALL BULLSHIT!!!

Those are twisted, distorted, grotesquely warped misinterpretations of what were originally symbolic, metaphoric, allegorical attempts to explain the unexplainable. They no longer contain more than an echo of a grain of Truth in them. They have been distorted so grotesquely because of the shame which humans assumed came with the pain of the original wound."

"None of the details of any of these explanations of the unexplainable should be taken too seriously or literally - it is impossible to describe the indescribable. They are merely tools to facilitate a paradigm shift in consciousness - to help us open up to larger definitions of the Creation than those we were taught in childhood. The goal here is to empower a more expansive context within which to view the dance of life - one which allows for a perspective of human existence that does not include shame and sin."

next: Spiritual Integration and The Co-dependent Recovery Process

Lavender is an herbal remedy used to treat ailments ranging from insomnia and anxiety to depression and mood disturbances. Learn about the usage, dosage, side-effects of Lavender.

Botanical Name:Lavandula angustifolia
Common Names:English lavender, French lavender

• Overview
• Plant Description
• Parts Used
• Medicinal Uses and Indications
• Available Forms
• How to Take It
• Precautions
• Possible Interactions
• References

Overview

Many people appreciate lavender (Lavandula angustifolia) for its aromatic fragrance, used in soaps, shampoos, and sachets for scenting clothes. The name lavender comes from the Latin root lavare, which means "to wash." Lavender most likely earned this name because it was frequently used in baths to help purify the body and spirit. However, this herb is also considered a natural remedy for a range of ailments from insomnia and anxiety to depression and mood disturbances. Recent studies bear out years of anecdotal evidence showing that lavender produces calming, soothing, and sedative effects.

Plant Description

Lavender is native to the mountainous zones of the Mediterranean where it grows in sunny, stony habitats. Today, it flourishes throughout southern Europe, Australia, and the United States. Lavender is a heavily branched short shrub that grows to a height of roughly 60 centimeters. Its broad rootstock bears woody branches with erect, rod-like, leafy, green shoots. A silvery down covers the gray-green narrow leaves, which are oblong and tapered, attached directly at the base, and curled spirally.

The oil in lavender's small, blue-violet flowers is what gives the herb its fragrant scent. The flowers are arranged in spirals of 6 to 10 blossoms, forming interrupted spikes above the foliage.

Parts Used

Essential oil is extracted from the fresh flowers of the lavender plant and used for medicinal purposes.

Medicinal Uses and Indications

Although professional herbalists and aromatherapists use lavender to treat a variety of conditions (described later), clinical studies thus far have only demonstrated benefit for insomnia and alopecia (hair loss).

Lavender for Insomnia and Reduced Anxiety
In folklore, pillows were filled with lavender flowers to help the restless fall sleep. There is now scientific evidence to suggest that aromatherapy with lavender slows the activity of the nervous system, improves sleep quality, promotes relaxation, and lifts mood in people suffering from sleep disorders. Studies also suggest that massage with essential oils, particularly lavender, may result in improved sleep quality, more stable mood, increased mental capacity, and reduced anxiety. In one recent study, participants who received massage with lavender felt less anxious and more positive than participants who received massage alone. Lavender flowers have also been approved by the Commission E in Germany as a tea for insomnia, restlessness, and nervous stomach irritations.

Alopecia areata
In one study of 86 people with alopecia areata (a disease of unknown cause characterized by significant hair loss, generally in patches), those who massaged their scalps with lavender and other essential oils daily for 7 months experienced significant hair re-growth compared to those who massaged their scalps without the essential oils. It is not entirely clear from this study whether lavender (or a combination of lavender and other essential oils) was responsible for the beneficial effects.

Other including Lavender for Headaches and Exhaustion
Aromatherapists also use lavender as a tonic in inhalation therapy to treat headaches, nervous disorders, and exhaustion. Herbalists treat skin ailments, such as fungal infections (like candidiasis), wounds, eczema, and acne, with lavender oil. It is also used externally in a healing bath for circulatory disorders and as a rub for rheumatic ailments (conditions affecting the muscles and joints). One study evaluating essential oils, including lavender, for treating children with eczema concluded that the oils added no benefit to therapeutic touch from the mother; in other words massage with and without essential oils was equally effective in improving the dry, scaly skin lesion.

Available Forms

Commercial preparations are made from dried flowers and essential oils of the lavender plant. These preparations are available in the following forms:

• Aromatherapy oil
• Bath gels
• Extracts
• Infusions
• Lotions
• Soaps
• Teas
• Tinctures
• Whole, dried flowers

How to Take It

Pediatric

• Oral use in children is not recommended.
• May be used topically in diluted concentrations to treat skin injuries.
• May be used as aromatherapy for children.

Adult

The following are recommended adult doses for lavender:

• Internal use: Tea: 1 to 2 tsp whole herb per cup of water.
• Tincture (1:4): 20 to 40 drops three times a day.
• Inhalation: 2 to 4 drops in 2 to 3 cups of boiling water; inhale vapors for headache, depression, or insomnia.
• Topical external application: lavender oil is one of the few oils that can be safely applied undiluted. For ease of application, add 1 to 4 drops per tablespoon of base oil.

Precautions

The use of herbs is a time-honored approach to strengthening the body and treating disease. Herbs, however, contain active substances that can trigger side effects and interact with other herbs, supplements, or medications. For these reasons, herbs should be taken with care, under the supervision of a practitioner knowledgeable in the field of botanical medicine.

Although side effects are rare, some individuals may develop an allergic reaction to lavender. Nausea, vomiting, headache, and chills have also been reported in some individuals following inhalation or absorption of lavender through the skin.

Pregnant and breastfeeding women should avoid using lavender.

Possible Interactions

Lavender and CNS Depressants

Although there are no known scientific reports of interactions between lavender and conventional medications, this herb could potentially enhance the effects of central nervous system depressants including narcotics (such as mophine) for pain and benzodiazepines (such as lorazepam, diazepam, and alprazolam) for anxiety and sleep. People taking these medications should consult a healthcare provider before trying lavender.

back to: Herbal Treatments Homepage

Supporting Research

Anderson C, Lis-Balchin M, Kifk-Smith M. Evaluation of massage with essential oils in childhood atopic eczema. Phyother Res. 2000;14(6):452-456.

Blumenthal M, Goldberg A, Brinckmann J. Herbal Medicine: Expanded Commission E Monographs. Newton, MA: Integrative Medicine Communications; 2000:226-229.

Cauffield JS, Forbes HJ. Dietary supplements used in the treatment of depression, anxiety, and sleep disorders. Lippincotts Prim Care Pract. 1999; 3(3):290-304.

Diego MA, Jones NA, Field T, et al. Aromatherapy positively affects mood, EEG patterns of alertness and math computations. Int J Neurosci. 1998;96(3-4):217-224.

Ernst E. The Desktop Guide to Complementary and Alternative Medicine: An Evidence-Based Approach. Mosby, Edinburgh; 2001:130-132.

Ghelardini C, Galeotti N, Salvatore G, Mazzanti G. Local anaesthetic activity of the essential oil of Lavandula angustifolia. Planta Med. 1999;65(8):700-703.

Gyllenhaal C, Merrit SL, Peterson SD, Block KI, Gochenour T. Efficacy and safety of herbal stimulants and sedatives in sleep disorders. Sleep Medicine Reviews. 2000;4(2):1-24.

Hardy M, Kirk-Smith MD. Replacement of drug treatment for insomnia by ambient odor. Lancet. 1995;346:701.

Hay IC, Jamieson M, Ormerod AD. Randomized trial of aromatherapy. Successful treatment for alopecia areata. Arch Dermatol. 1998;134(11):1349-1352.

Lis-Balchin M, Hart S. A preliminary study of the effect of essential oils on skeletal and smooth muscle in vitro. J Ethnopharmacol. 1997;58(4):183-187.

Motomura N, Sakurai A, Yotsuya Y. Reduction of mental stress with lavender odorant.
Percept Mot Skills. 2001;93(3):713-718.

Schulz V, Hansel R, Tyler V. Rational Phytotherapy: A Physicians' Guide to Herbal Medicine. 3rd ed. Berlin, Germany: Springer; 1998:74-75.

White L, Mavor S. Kids, Herbs, Health. Loveland, Colo: Interweave Press; 1998:34.

The publisher does not accept any responsibility for the accuracy of the information or the consequences arising from the application, use, or misuse of any of the information contained herein, including any injury and/or damage to any person or property as a matter of product liability, negligence, or otherwise. No warranty, expressed or implied, is made in regard to the contents of this material. No claims or endorsements are made for any drugs or compounds currently marketed or in investigative use. This material is not intended as a guide to self-medication. The reader is advised to discuss the information provided here with a doctor, pharmacist, nurse, or other authorized healthcare practitioner and to check product information (including package inserts) regarding dosage, precautions, warnings, interactions, and contraindications before administering any drug, herb, or supplement discussed herein.

back to: Herbal Treatments Homepage

I heard someone at a CoDA meeting (codependents anonymous) talk about a truly revolutionary concept that their codependence counselor introduced into a session with her and her husband one day. She and her husband were in a hot and heavy argument when the counselor interrupted to ask, "Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?" She said that it was a question that they had to consider for a while because being right was awful important to them both.

It is normal for relationships in this society to deteriorate into power struggles over who is right and who is wrong. That is because we grew up in a dysfunctional society that taught that it was shameful to be wrong. We got the message that our self-worth depends on not making mistakes, on being perfect, because it caused our parents great emotional pain (or they caused us great emotional or physical pain) when we made a mistake, when we were "wrong."

Codependence is an emotional defense system that is set up to protect the wounded inner child within us from the shame of being exposed as unlovable and unworthy, as stupid and weak, as a loser and failure, as whatever it was that we got the message was the worst thing to be. We were taught to evaluate whether we had worth in comparison to others. Smarter than, prettier than, faster than, richer than, more successful than, thinner than, stronger than, etc., etc. In a codependent society the only way to feel good about self is to look down on someone else. So we learned to judge (just like our role models did) others in order to feel good about ourselves. Being right was one of the most important ways to know that we had worth.

When a codependent feels attacked - which is any time it seems as if someone is judging us - it can be with a look or a tone of voice or just that someone doesn't say something, let alone when someone actually says something to us that could be interpreted as meaning that we weren't doing something right - the choices we are faced with are to blame them or blame ourselves. Either they are right - in which case it proves that we are the stupid loser that the critical parent voice in our head tells us we are - or they are wrong in which case it is time to attack them and prove to them the error of their ways.

In most relationships where the people have been together for a few years they have already established entrenched battle lines around painful emotional scars where they push each others buttons. All one person has to do is use a certain tone of voice or have a certain look on their face and the other person pulls out and loads the big guns. One person is readying their answer in their head to what they know the other is going to say before the other even has a chance to say it. The battle begins and neither one of them actually listens to what the other is saying. They start pulling out their lists of past hurts to prove their point of how each other is doing horrible things to them. The battle is on to see who is right and who is wrong.

And that is not even the right question.

A relationship is a partnership, an alliance, not some game with winners and losers. When the interaction in a relationship becomes a power struggle about who is right and who is wrong then there are no winners.

"You each have emotional buttons that trigger old defensive reactions, fears and insecurities - and you are sitting next to the person who was specifically prepared and trained to be a specialist in pushing your buttons. The gifts you will give each other by pushing those buttons will help each of you uncover the wounds that need to be healed.

You have come together to teach each other, to help each other heal, to support and encourage each other in your quest to find your True Self.

If you keep healing, working through your stuff - then you do not have to do the dysfunctional cultural dance of toxic romance here. This does not have to be "the 'I can't live without you, can't smile without you' addictive, make the other person your Higher Power, be the victim, lose yourself, power struggle, right and wrong, trapped, taken hostage, poor abused me, Two Step.'

Wedding Prayer/Meditation on Romantic Commitment By Robert Burney

In our disease defense system we build up huge walls to protect ourselves and then - as soon as we meet someone who will help us to repeat our patterns of abuse, abandonment, betrayal, and/or deprivation - we lower the drawbridge and invite them in. We, in our Codependence, have radar systems which cause us to be attracted to, and attract to us, the people, who for us personally, are exactly the most untrustworthy (or unavailable or smothering or abusive or whatever we need to repeat our patterns) individuals - exactly the ones who will push our buttons.

This happens because those people feel familiar. Unfortunately in childhood the people whom we trusted the most were the most familiar - hurt us the most. So the effect is that we keep repeating our patterns and being given the reminder that it is not safe to trust ourselves or other people

Once we begin healing we can see that the Truth is that it is not safe to trust as long as we are reacting out of the emotional wounds and attitudes of our childhoods. Once we start Recovering, then we can begin to see that on a Spiritual level these repeating behavior patterns are opportunities to heal the childhood wounds.

Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls

The people that come into our lives are teachers. They enter our lives to help us grow. Unfortunately in childhood we did not get taught that life was full of lessons to be learned - instead we were taught that if something bad happens it is because we are bad, we have done something wrong.

We got taught that life is a test that we can fail if we don't do it "right." So, we live life in fear.

We attract into our lives those people who will perfectly push our buttons for us. Who fit our particular issues exactly. If we are looking at life as a growth process then we can learn from these lessons. If we are reacting out of our shame core then we will see these lessons as horrible mistakes and tragically bad choices on our part - so we that we will carry resentments towards ourselves, not trust our self, and shut down to the possibility of love.

We are never going to meet someone who doesn't have red flags, who isn't wounded - the healthy behavior is to pay attention and take responsibility for our choices. To take calculated risks that will not be mistakes or wrong but lessons. The more conscious we get of our choices, the more we release the grief energy/take power away from the childhood wounds - the more we can trust our self to listen to our intuition instead of the disease yammering in our head.

And we are never going to completely change our basic patterns - we get healthier within those patterns. If you are attracted to alcoholics - then progress is getting involved with a recovering alcoholic. We are attracted to certain energies for reasons in alignment with The Divine Plan - our choices in the past felt like mistakes because we weren't aware that we were at boarding school learning lessons.

"What is so infuriating about this disease of codependence is that it is so insidious and powerful and it folds back in on us. When we discover we have a pattern then we want to avoid that pattern at all costs - but in effect we are letting the disease rule us because we are reacting to our reaction. As long as we are reacting - and trying to figure out what is right and wrong - we are in the disease. What is frustrating with my friend is that when she was trusting her gut she opened her heart to me - when she got into her head is when she started giving all the power to the fear, and started reacting out of fear of her reactions to old wounds. She is terrified of making a mistake, doing it wrong, etc. - which is the disease at work. There are no mistakes only lessons - which are painful but not that painful if we are not judging and shaming ourselves.

What makes lessons so painful is the shame the disease lays on us - in other words - the disease creates all of this fear about getting hurt until we are terrified of being hurt - but what is so painful about being hurt is the shame that the disease beats us up with after we get hurt.

The hurt itself passes - the shame and judgment the disease abuses us with is what is so painful.

Our intuition/gut/heart tells us the Truth - it's our head that screws things up. I understand perfectly why my friend is in reaction the way she is - I am just very sad that it means she can't be in my life. She and I both come from a place of having so much terror of intimacy that we were relationship phobic - sometimes what is necessary for someone with a relationship phobia is to jump right in, that may be the only way past the fear.

I am happy to say that I don't have a relationship phobia anymore - I welcome another chance to explore a relationship now that I know that my worst fear can come true and it can make me stronger and better and happier. The reason for that is that I did not give power to the shame - what a miracle! What a gift! I am so grateful."

And in order to walk a Spiritual path, it is necessary to reprogram the mental perspectives of life that we learned growing up in a Spiritually hostile, shame-based society.

Perhaps the first, and certainly the most nurturing, thing we do when starting to walk a Spiritual path is to start seeing life in a growth context - that is to start realizing that life events are lessons, opportunities for growth, not punishment because we screwed up or are unworthy.

We are Spiritual beings having a human experience not weak, shameful creatures who are here being punished or tested for worthiness. We are part of/an extension of an ALL-Powerful, Unconditionally Loving God-Force/Goddess Energy/Great Spirit, and we are here on Earth going to boarding school not condemned to prison. The sooner that we can start awakening to that Truth, the sooner we can start treating ourselves in more nurturing, Loving ways.

Life is constantly changing. There are always going to be endings and new beginnings. There is always going to be grief and pain and anger about what we have to let go of, and fear of what is to come. It is not because we are bad or wrong or shameful. It is just the way the game works.

So there is good news and bad news. The good news is that a New Age has dawned in human consciousness and that we now have tools, knowledge, and access to healing energy and Spiritual guidance that has never before been available. We are discovering the rules of the game that we have been playing for thousands of years by rules that don't work.

The bad news is that it's a stupid game - or at least it feels like it some of the time. The more we understand that it is a game, that this is just boarding school, the easier it becomes to nurture ourselves by not shaming and judging ourselves. We are going to get to go home. We don't have to earn it that's what Unconditional Love means.

Column Spring & Nurturing by Robert Burney

"Unconditional Love does not mean being a doormat - Unconditional Love starts with Loving yourself enough to protect yourself from people you love if that is necessary. The relationship you describe is codependent - what that means is that you are both reacting to the emotional wounds and intellectual programming that you experienced in childhood. You were attracted to each other because your wounds fit together - you felt familiar to each other on an emotionally energetic level. The very feelings that brought you together are the same ones that keep separating you. The problem isn't in what is happening now - the way the relationship has gone is a symptom of what happened to you both in childhood. This relationship is a sign to you that you have some emotional wounds from childhood that need to be healed - they are a sign to her also but you can't make her want to do the work - you can only do the work for yourself."

"I am not sure what your male significant other's background is but he is reacting out of his childhood wounds also. Sometimes, when a person comes from a home that was very emotionally volatile they think that you don't love them unless you will engage with them - that is respond to their goading; or sometimes when a person doesn't have permission to own their own anger they will pick someone who expresses anger as a way of getting a release, through the other persons raging; or he may be reacting out of his self-hatred, the wounded little boy in him that does not feel lovable, and may need to sabotage things when there is no turmoil or he feels you are giving him love he doesn't deserve; or it could be his excuse to keep practicing an addiction, to drink or smoke dope or whatever.

Whatever is causing him to act that way it is not personal - it is not about who you really are, because you are just starting on the journey to finding our your True Self and your codependent defense system has been a mask you have been wearing to defend yourself - and he was attracted, in part at least, to the mask. You two have come together because your perfectly push each other's buttons - it provides an opportunity to get in touch with and start healing your childhood wounds."

"The way the dynamic in a dysfunctional relationship works is on a come here - go away cycle. When one person is available the other tends to pull away. If the first person becomes unavailable the other comes back and pleads to be let back in. When the first becomes available again then the other eventually starts pulling away again.

next: Romantic Relationships and Toxic Love - The Dysfunctional Norm

Compulsive exercising is cited as a common behavior among patients with anorexia nervosa. Most therapists interpret this behavior as a compulsion triggered by the obsession with thinness or weight loss, or due to a phobia of obesity. The exercise is viewed as excessive because the patient is often severely malnourished as well.

The Female Athlete Triad

A significant proportion of female athletes develop a syndrome known as the female athlete triad, which involves loss of menses, disordered eating, and osteoporosis. Loss of menses is normally attributed to a drop in estrogen levels due to strenuous exercise and resulting low percentages of body fat. Low estrogen levels play a role in the drop in bone density in such individuals. Caloric restriction can also contribute to the syndrome.

The female athlete triad is not recognized as a psychiatric disorder, since it is a normal physiological adaptive response to an intense exercise regimen. Sports that require a high strength-to-weight ratio such as running, gymnastics, rock climbing, or ballet dancing are often dominated by petite or very thin women. This is because a smaller, lighter body structure is more energy efficient, since there is less mass to accelerate, lift, move, or rotate. Many of the world's top women athletes in these sports appear very thin indeed, and often are at risk of developing the triad.

Having run middle distance competitively for many years, I know what effect a rigorous training schedule can have on digestion and eating habits. Most runners have to be very careful when and how much they eat, and usually have to schedule meals around their training regimen. Any athlete will tell you it's not a good idea to eat a big meal before a training session, or race, since you'll suffer dire consequences as a result. Diarrhea and nausea are common ailments before a race or competition, since most athletes get nervous or anxious before and during competition. I recall one fellow athlete who used to vomit before every race. I myself would have to visit the washroom several times before each race, due to butterflies and diarrhea.

Any athlete that has experienced diarrhea or cramps during a 20 mile road race will soon learn that they need to carefully watch their food intake. Since top level athletes train almost every day, this becomes a daily routine. This does not represent any sort of psychiatric disorder; it is the price athletes pay to excel at their sport. It does come with health risks, which should be managed by a competent sports medicine physician.

Some therapists who do not understand the physiological response to intense exercise may misinterpret the triad as a manifestation of anorexia nervosa. Indeed, many elements of the syndrome fulfill the diagnostic criteria for AN (see page on diagnostic criteria).

Athletes and Anorexia

The higher prevalence of anorexia nervosa diagnosed among female athletes is to be expected, since an athlete's body has become optimized for the particular sport being engaged in. Successful athletes not only have optimized body structure, but also possess the mental attitudes necessary to compete successfully. They are used to pushing themselves to the limit of their endurance and beyond.

An appropriate analogy here would be an Indy race car. It is a machine that is operated to the limits of it's performance potential. If even a slight problem develops in the machinery, such as a sticky lifter or broken v-belt, total failure of the machine may ensue very quickly. For a vehicle being driven at low speeds, such as your car, you may drive for quite a while before you notice a problem. In fact, you might be able to drive it for many years with a small mechanical problem, because it does not cause catastrophic failure.

In a similar scenario, let's say a female distance runner is in top shape, training 6 to 7 days a week, several hours a day. She has very low body fat. Let's say she travels to the Pan Am games in Central Amercia and picks up a parasite while there. She feels very sick for a few weeks and experiences nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea. She loses 10 lbs. on her already skinny frame. She returns from the competition, and gradually gets her strength back. She is eager to get back to her normal training regimen.

Her physician, without doing any diagnostic tests, says she just had the flu, and she should be able to start training again. She is not aware that the parasitic infection has become chronic and has affected her intestine's ability to absorb nurtients. She starts training as soon as she can, because she does not want to lose the fitness level she has attained. She begins training again, but can't seem to reach the performance levels she once did. She also starts to lose even more weight, since she doesn't really feel very hungry. She thinks she has to push herself harder to get her performance up. The doctor says she must be stressed out, and that maybe she should take a break from training. Eventually she ends up in an eating disorder program where she told that her weight loss is a psychological problem. No tests were done to look for the underlying disorder.

In a non-athlete, such a parasite may cause only mild discomfort, and since caloric requirements are low, may go largely unnoticed. If the psychiatrist can convince the athlete to give up on all her goals and dreams, she may be able to gain weight by stopping all her training and thereby reducing her caloric requirements. This would be similar to telling a world-class pianist that they can no longer play, or a top level figure skater that they can no longer skate. It would be a tough pill to swallow; and since chronic medical illness is not even mentioned as a possibility, the anorexic athlete is left with no choice but to give up their goals and dreams.

Extensive diagnostic testing would likely have revealed the underlying disorder, and with appropriate treatment, allowed the athlete to resume her training regimen. The costs of these test would have been far less than the cost of psychotherapy, but most importantly, it may have allowed a young, ambitious, high achiever to once again chase her dreams.

Excessive Exercise and Anorexia Nervosa

Many anorexic patients who do not compete athletically also engage in strenuous exercise, despite being malnourished. Not all patients exercise excessively (excessively is a very subjective term, and each therapist will have their own definition), yet most are not able to gain weight.

Most nutritionists and therapists seem to take a very simplistic view of human digestion, assuming that everybody can absorb all the calories consumed. Patients are normally placed on a rigid meal plan, with caloric intake calculated to effect predictable weight gain. If the patient fails to gain weight, the patient is assumed to be purging, exercising, or using diuretics or laxatives secretly. Few will suspect a digestive disorder that may be affecting absorption of nutrients.

Defining Excessive

How much does a person have to exercise before it becomes excessive? Certainly, the exercises most anorexic patients engage in are only a fraction of what a healthy, world class athlete does. Yet these are viewed as excessive, mainly because the patient is usually malnourished as well.

To gain a perspective on just what is excessive, let's look at some world records of common exercises that anorexic patients engage in. It is important to remember that the records listed below were not established by athletes with any sort of psychiatric disorder, or obsessive compulsive personality disorders. They were achieved by healthy, fit, self-disciplined individuals. It is unlikely that any of these individuals suffered from a chronic medical illness, since they would not have been able to achieve these incredible levels of performance.

next: Eating Disorders: Disordered Eating Past and Present
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Nelson Mandela

(I have since heard from several sources that Marianne Williamson actually wrote this.)

Of course that amazingly wise and wonderful woman is also very wounded . As with all of us, her relationship with herself is shattered and fractured. She has an amazing, powerful wise woman teacher within her who has taught me so much. She has a wild wolf woman in her that would howl and dance naked in the full moon if she hadn't been so wounded by the Catholic Church and all the other physical/sexual imbalance of this sexist, sexually abusive, patriarchal society. She has a wondrous Loving heart with so much to give - and I got to experience how sublime it can feel to Truly feel Loved by her for a short time - but she also has the Romantic in her who has caused her to be wounded greatly and when she got scared she threw that Romantic into an inner dungeon and slammed the vault closed on her heart. I think it was the physical connection that really terrified her. It was excruciating, exquisite ecstasy to touch each other and when this musician affirmed to me that I was playing her body like a musical instrument it set off her alarms.

All her fears about losing herself in a relationship surfaced. Her fear of being a victim of the Romantic yearning within her - "I don't believe that stuff anymore"; of the power of the animal sensuality that would be unleashed because of her own sexual deprivation due to the relationship phobia that had kept her isolated most of her life; really terror, of being emotionally needy and vulnerable - growing up in her family being vulnerable was not a safe place to be so she got tough; her absolute lack of any permission to be dependent on, or ask for help from, anyone, anytime; of a man who could cry and be emotionally vulnerable with her, who allowed her to be afraid and was willing to listen as she talked her way through it; of a man who maybe was too nice, too Loving, too vulnerable, too happy to be with her; of her fear of being smothered and taken hostage.

So the part of her that has been her defender came out. The raging counter dependent who set boundaries with a harshness bordering on cruelty. The Loving friend disappeared and was replaced by someone who was always on guard, always defensive.

Here is something that I wrote on January 24, 1999 the day after I saw her last:

"It looks like my friendship with what I originally thought was my twin soul may be over. I have had to set a boundary and remove myself from her life. She was stuck feeling like a victim of her issues with men and victimizing me out of her fear and hurt - so I got to tell her that I deserved to be treated better than that and that until she was ready to work through instead of run away from the issues I was exiting. Sad really - also really good that I am so clear now that I deserve better and will not allow such treatment. Very big deal for me to not sacrifice myself in the now for the potential of the future - doesn't work to hang on to the dream when reality is not working.

So I am feeling very sad about her being out of my life - but feeling great Joy about all the wonderful gifts I received from knowing her. This was the first time that I have entered into a relationship - and exited also - without my self-esteem being involved. What freedom!!! I knew who I was going in and the events that unfolded only made me stronger and better - there was never any threat to me, to my self worth - really cool. This is truly a new and different way to do relationship - I might even try it again sometime soon. "

We opened our hearts to each other and had a magnificent connection - then she got scared and started running away - but I didn't have to close my heart down because of her leaving. It was obvious to the people at the workshops I just did the new heart level that I am at - several had been to 3 or 4 of my workshops before and they kept going for the Kleenex because my openness and vulnerability was touching them so deeply. I am very grateful for this person and the experience of Love that I had with her - it was an incredible opportunity for growth. It is also very sad and I cry every day for the loss of that connection. I see this incredibly powerful wise woman that she is - unfortunately she can't own that because she is in her disease reacting to fear, right and wrong thinking ('maybe it was a mistake!!!' - such bull shit), guilt and shame, pain from old wounds, and really just a terror of making another mistake - instead of accepting that it is all perfect and being able to let go completely in the moment.

And of course it was a perfect part of her process that she did what she thought she needed to take care of herself, to not lose herself. And it was perfect for my process that she pulled away - if she had not I would never have experienced that it was possible to retain the level of Love even when my worst fear came true and she did go away.

I learned so much from my interaction with her - the "relationship" as in romantic part of it basically lasted about 2 weeks from the first time she told me she Loved me (10 days from 1st passionate kiss to last passionate kiss - no actually sex per se, but much of what felt to me like making Love [making Love, to me, not being about a destination but rather about the quality of the Touching]) - and that 2 weeks was the most incredible, most successful, most wonderful relationship of my life. I felt more Love & Loved in those 2 weeks than in the entire first 50 years of my life.

So, there is pain but there is much more Joy and gratitude. It Truly is a completely different experience to have a relationship where my self-worth is not at risk - that is the pay off for the Spiritual belief system that says we can't screw it up and there is no shame - if my self-worth is not at risk then another person can only add to me, they have no power to diminish me. What a gift."

Now, I need to just go on with my life and if she decides to open up to me then she will call. It is pretty strange because the Universe actually lead me to do a couple of things (a visit and phone call) that I am sure appeared to her to be her fears about me needing her too much coming true. It is so ironic and sad too - but at the time in my life when I am the most free and healthy - when I am being less codependent than I even knew it was possible to be in a relationship - she thinks I am giving her too much power. Never have I been so clear that I don't need someone in my life - though I sure want her to be a part of my life. Never have I felt so strong and powerful and centered in myself - and what she thinks she sees is someone who might be too dependent and needy, clingy, which is a reflection of the part of herself that she is most terrified of surrendering to owning. She loves and hates that I can be vulnerable - and she is too terrified to surrender to being vulnerable now because she doesn't trust herself.

So I get to Let Go, and Let Go and Let Go again.

I wrote to a friend a few days ago;

"What is so infuriating about this disease of codependence is that it is so insidious and powerful and it folds back in on us. When we discover we have a pattern then we want to avoid that pattern at all costs - but in effect we are letting the disease rule us because we are reacting to our reaction. As long as we are reacting - and trying to figure out what is right and wrong - we are in the disease. It is the fear once removed that is paralyzing - the fear of being hurt, the fear of how afraid we feel, the fear of our anger, etc.

What is frustrating with my friend is that when she was trusting her gut she opened her heart to me - when she got into her head is when she started giving all the power to the fear, and started reacting out of fear of her reactions to old wounds. She is terrified of making a mistake, doing it wrong, etc - which is the disease at work. There are no mistakes only lessons - which are painful but not that painful if we are not judging and shaming ourselves.

What makes lessons so painful is the shame the disease lays on us - in other words - the disease creates all of this fear about getting hurt until we are terrified of being hurt - but what is so painful about being hurt is the shame that the disease beats us up with after we get hurt.

The hurt itself passes - the shame and judgment the disease abuses us with is what is so painful.

In the situation you describe it sounds as if your gut was telling you "no" all along and you let your head talk you into it - which is the disease at work. Our intuition/gut/heart tells us the Truth - it's our head that screws things up.

I understand perfectly why my friend is in reaction the way she is - I am just very sad that it means she can't be in my life. She and I both come from a place of having so much terror of intimacy that we were relationship phobic - sometimes what is necessary for someone with a relationship phobia is to jump right in, that may be the only way past the fear.

I am happy to say that I don't have a relationship phobia anymore - I welcome another chance to explore a relationship now that I know that my worst fear can come true and it can make me stronger and better and happier. The reason for that is that I did not give power to the shame - what a miracle! What a gift! I am so grateful.

So, now it has been over a month since I have seen her and it hurts.

The hurt has actually been present more of the time the last couple of weeks than it was before. I believe this has to do with healing that is taking place on subconscious and superconscious (having to do with the accelerated process and Karmic settlement) levels that are causing me discomfort but don't have a clearly identifiable cause.

I know that much of it has to do with letting go of the dream of having a partner - of not having to walk the path alone anymore. I know some of it has to do with my Twin Soul and some of it has to do with my recent friend - and I don't know if they are one and the same. She - my recent friend - is the type of counter dependent who can kill people off in her mind and move on with hardly a glance back (at least they can practice that level of denial until they are so full of pain it doesn't work anymore.) So, if we are not Twin Souls - or have some other powerful Karmic connection - then she has probably been successful in blocking me out of her mind. If however we do have some strong connection that requires us to be together than she must be pretty miserable. More will be revealed.

I will be seeing her in a week or so - and that will be an interesting adventure - or not. But this chapter needs to be brought to a close. If there is to be another chapter, it will be in a different way - from a wiser perspective on my part. This chapter was a marvelous, wonderful adventure which unfolded perfectly and taught me so much. I am very grateful - but I will do the next chapter differently.

I have learned:

That when I know who I am and have my self-esteem rooted in my Spiritual connection then I have nothing to fear from intimacy. I can be hurt for certain because I will be choosing to give some power away over my feelings - but hurt is part of life and well worth the adventure of Loving and Losing.

That it is Truly possible to do enough healing to be able to open my heart to someone and then not take it personally when the other person rejects me - because I Truly know in my gut that she is just reacting to her wounds not to some inherent flaw in my being.

That I can have my worst fear of abandonment and rejection appear to come true and not give it any power because I do not have to buy into the disease telling me that it is my fault - that I did something/said something/am something that is wrong/a loser/a mistake/unlovable/unworthy. This is such a gift - to know that I can keep the critical parent shut up and out of the game is Truly an Amazing Miraculous reward for being willing to do my healing.

So, my friend, you can see that it has been an exciting time for me. And there is more excitement to come. I was at a place where I had given up on having a relationship in this lifetime. I had truly accepted that I could be happy and fulfilled without it. Now I have been pointed in another direction. The Universe has shown me that taking the risk is very much worth while. I have seen how little power the shame has in my process any more and I rejoice in the gift of having been willing to do my healing. There are new horizons to explore and new dimensions to experience. I am so very grateful to be so passionately ALIVE. I am going to be exploring more of the issues around my Twin Soul and the Karma that remains to be settled there - especially around the Atlantis lifetime that I will be talking about in my Trilogy books - but that is another chapter. I will just end this chapter with a goodbye to her:

I am very grateful to God/Goddess/Great Spirit - The Holy Mother Source Energy for the gift of having this Amazing Women Being come into my life and I wish for her all blessings and the Highest possible good - Love Joy prosperity success happiness - may all of her dreams come true - and in the process may she find out what an Amazing Being she Truly is.

I release you, my Love, with a Great and Tender Love - May we meet again at the "River where the Son comes down".

And for me I will repeat and reaffirm the words that I was moved to write months ago:

BRING IT ON UNIVERSE, I SAY - A WHOLE NEW SET OF OPPORTUNITIES FOR GROWTH. I AM SO INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL FOR THIS SPIRITUAL PATH.

and

Fuck the fear - full speed ahead in the direction of Love!

Vaya con Dios my friend,

next: Romance

Parents share stories about SerenAid and Skullcap, natural remedies for treating ADHD.

Natural Alternatives for ADHD

SerenAid

The following is excerpted from the website for SerenAid at http://www.serenaid.com/.

"Agape Nutrition would like to introduce SerenAid. A high quality peptidase enzyme which works on specific gluten and casein molecules*. These molecules are also known as caseomorphins and gluteomorphins, because of their opiate-like effects on the brain. Elimination of the opiate-like molecules from the bloodstream of those with ADHD, ADD, and Autism may help decrease the severity of these disorders."

Sue writes......

"There is a new site on the internet that sells SerenAid, called http://www.autismcoach.com/.

My site offers free shipping and handling, which can provide a signicant savings to customers over competitors. You may verify with Klaire labs that I am an approved vendor of the product.

10% of the profits will go to a scholarship to send autistic children to a special summer camp. I would really appreciate it if you would consider including my site in your links for SerenAid!

My son uses it and I can personally attest to its effectiveness. A psychologist who recently began working with my son said that he is the highest functioning child in the autistic spectrum that she has ever seen. I am also selling a booklet at this site that I wrote to help the parents of young children who have just been diagnosed to help them quickly put together a comprehensive and effective intervention program."

Skullcap - Skutellaria lateriflora

The following is excerpted from the Health Search newspaper published by Wilson Publications, Owensboro, KY 42303

According to The Eclectic Materia Medica , Pharmacology and Therapeutics (1985) by Harvey Wickes Felter, M.D., specific indications for skullcap are nervousness, attending or following an illness, or from mental or physical exhaustion or teething; nervousness with muscular excitation; tremors, hysteria, with inability to control muscular action; functional heart disorders of a purely nervous type, with intermittent pulse.

Skullcap is calmative to the nervous and muscular systems and offers some tonic properties. By controlling nervous irritability and muscular incoordination, it gives rest and permits sleep. When insomnia is due to worry or nervous irritability or even exhaustion, Dr. Felter says relief may be expected.

According to the Wild Rose College of Natural Healing, skullcap's major influence is on the central and sympathetic nervous systems. Traditionally, skullcap has been used for many purposes including neuralgia, insomnia, excitability, restlessness, rickets, headaches, hiccoughs, incessant coughing, hypertension and nervous disorders. It has antispasmodic, nervine, antihistamine and anti-inflammatory properties. Skullcap has no toxicity.

Ed. Note:Please remember, we do not endorse any treatments and strongly advise you to check with your doctor before using, stopping or changing any treatment.

next: Natural Alternatives: Neuro 911, Neurofeedback for ADHD
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Does cutting down on drinking alcohol, or stopping drinking altogether, help relieve depression? It's a mixed bag. Read more.

What is it?

Alcohol (chemical name ethyl alcohol or ethanol) is a liquid made from sugars by the action of yeast. The products may be drunk in their original form (for example, beer and wines), or after strengthening (for example, sherry, port and spirits). Alcohol avoidance involves cutting down or stopping drinking.

How does it work?

Heavy drinkers, and especially people addicted to alcohol, are more likely to suffer from depression. There are two main ways in which cutting out alcohol may help with depression:

• It is thought that heavy drinking can lead directly to depression and so cutting out alcohol will reverse this effect.
• It can help by reducing problems caused by drinking, such as money problems, problems at work and relationship problems.

Is it effective?

Studies of alcoholics show that they often suffer from depression and that their depression improves rapidly when they stop drinking. However, these studies are based on people who are being treated for serious drinking problems rather than people chosen because they are depressed. Their short-term improvements may also not last because many alcoholics take up drinking again. There is no evidence that cutting out alcohol helps lift mood in people who do not have drinking problems.

Are there any disadvantages?

Giving up alcohol can produce withdrawal effects. Drinking alcohol also helps protect against heart disease. In general, however, there are many advantages for physical health by giving up heavy drinking.

Where do you get it?

People can cut down on their drinking without outside help, but there are also services and organizations for this. See the Drug & Alcohol Counseling section of the Yellow Pages. People with long-term drinking problems and anyone who is dependent on alcohol are more likely to need expert help.

Recommendation

Avoiding alcohol can be helpful for people who have drinking problems. However, there is no evidence on whether it is helpful for most people suffering from depression.

Key references

Brown SA, Schuckit, MA. Changes in depression among abstinent alcoholics. Journal of Studies on Alcohol 1988; 49: 412-417.

Davidson KM. Diagnosis of depression in alcohol dependence: changes in prevalence with drinking status. British Journal of Psychiatry 1995; 166: 199-204.

Merikangas KR, Gelernter CS. Comorbidity for alcoholism and depression. Psychiatric Clinics of North America 1990; 13: 613-632.

Vaillaint GE. Is alcoholism more often the cause or the result of depression? Harvard Review of Psychiatry 1993; 1: 94-99.

back to: Alternative Treatments for Depression

Completed suicides, U.S., 1999*

• Suicide was the 11th leading cause of death in the United States.
• It was the 8th leading cause of death for males, and 19th leading cause of death for females.
• The total number of suicide deaths was 29 ,199.
• The 1999 age-adjusted rate** was 10.7/100,000, or 0.01%.
• 1.3% of total deaths were from suicide. By contrast, 30.3% were from diseases of the heart, 23% were from malignant neoplasms (cancer), and 7% from cerebrovascular disease (stroke), the three leading causes.
• Suicide outnumbered homicides (16,899 ) by 5 to 3.
• There were twice as many deaths due to suicide than deaths due to HIV/AIDS (14,802).
• There were almost exactly the same number of suicides by firearm (16,889) as homicides (16,599).
• Suicide by firearms was the most common method for both men and women, accounting for 57% of all suicides.
• More men than women die by suicide.
• The gender ratio is 4:1.
• 72% of all suicides are committed by white men.
• 79% of all firearm suicides are committed by white men.
• Among the highest rates (when categorized by gender and race) are suicide deaths for white men over 85, who had a rate of 59/100,000.
• Suicide was the 3rd leading cause of death among young people 15 to 24 years of age, following unintentional injuries and homicide. The rate was 10.3/100,000, or .01%.
• The suicide rate among children ages 10-14 was 1.2/100,000, or 192 deaths among 19,608,000 children in this age group.
• The 1999 gender ratio for this age group was 4:1 (males: females).
• The suicide rate among adolescents aged 15-19 was 8.2/100,000, or 1,615 deaths among 19,594,000 adolescents in this age group.
• The 1999 gender ratio for this age group was 5:1 (males: females).
• Among young people 20 to 24 years of age the suicide rate was 12.7/100,000, or 2,285 deaths among 17,594,000 people in this age group.
• The 1999 gender ratio for this age group was 6:1 (males: females).

Attempted Suicides

• No annual national data on attempted suicide are available; reliable scientific research, however, has found that:
• There are an estimated 8-25 attempted suicides to one completion; the ratio is higher in women and youth and lower in men and the elderly
• More women than men report a history of attempted suicide, with a gender ratio of 3:1
• The strongest risk factors for attempted suicide in adults are depression, alcohol abuse, cocaine use, and separation or divorce
• The strongest risk factors for attempted suicide in youth are depression, alcohol or other drug use disorder, and aggressive or disruptive behaviors

* 1999 U.S. mortality data was based to the International Classification of Diseases, 10th revision (ICD-10), whereas ICD-9 has been used for the last several years of mortality data. For this reason, comparisons between 1999 and earlier mortality data should be made carefully. For a full explanation of the implications of this change, go here.

** Age-adjusted rates refer to weighting rates by a population standard to allow for comparisons across time and among risk groups. The 1999 mortality data is calculated using figures from the 2000 census, whereas previous years have been calculated using 1940 census data. For this reason, comparisons between 1999 and earlier mortality data should be made carefully. For a full explanation of the implications of this change, go here.

The National Hopeline Network 1-800-SUICIDE provides access to trained telephone counselors, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Or for a crisis center in your area, go here.

next: Adopted Teens May Be At Higher Risk for Attempting Suicide
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teenage sex

C'MON - EVERYBODY'S DOING IT!

NOT TRUE. That old line is a trick. Don't let yourself be fooled by it. It's true that about half of all young people have had sexual intercourse. It's also true that ABOUT HALF HAVE NOT. And many of those who've done "it" didn't really want to - they let themselves get talked into it.

Maybe your friends are trying to push you into having intercourse. They may tell you, "It will prove you're a man," or "It will make you feel like a real woman."

Or you may feel that "having sex" is the only way to keep someone interested in you. The person you're going with may even try to pressure you with lines like, "If you really love me, you'll prove it," or "If you don't do it with me, someone else will."

THE REAL QUESTION IS: WHAT'S RIGHT FOR YOU?

YOU DECIDE! You may wonder, "Why am I so eager and, at the same time, I want to hold back?" Maybe it's because you feel what millions of young people feel - sexual intercourse can be a big mistake when you're not ready. You can't just borrow someone else's decision. It might not work for you. You are a one-of-a-kind person who needs a one-of-a-kind decision. You have to make your own choice - the one that's best for you.

DECIDING IS EASY - SAYING 'NO' ISN'T.

BUT IT CAN BE DONE. We are all sexual and want to love and to be loved. So we all have to make decisions about being sexual. Because we are all different, we make different decisions.

Your friends have different looks and personalities. Their needs and what's important to them also vary. Each wants something different from life. Sometimes, your lifestyle harmonizes with theirs. Other times, it conflicts. Dealing with conflict is part of growing up and becoming independent. You have to make a lot of decisions. Handling relationships, shaping plans for the future, and making healthy, responsible choices along the way - including decisions about sex - that's what growing up is all about!

It can feel like an emotional roller coaster. But EVERYONE goes through it. Even your parents went through it. That's why talking with them may help you sort out your own thoughts and feelings. They may be more understanding than you may think.

What to Do?

BE HONEST. Say what you really feel when you and your friends talk about sex. Your friends may be too shy. Or feel that they have to pretend to be "cool." It may be hardest to be "real" with someone you especially like. Difficult as it may be, if you're "real" with your friends, they may be "real" with you.

Being "real" can help us understand why some people have sexual intercourse before they're ready. Many of these reasons aren't very sexy. They include:

• trying to cure loneliness or unhappiness
• wanting to be more popular
• using physical sex to avoid close, caring relationships
• wanting to "prove" you're not gay or lesbian
• hoping to discover the "fireworks" that go with sex on TV and CDs and in movies, magazines, and books
• believing "the first time" is not important so just get it over with
• getting back at parents
• not using good judgment because you're high on alcohol or other drugs

SEXUAL INTERCOURSE for these reasons may not be rewarding. And there's always the risk of pregnancy or a sexually transmitted infection. But no matter what the reason, intercourse involves two people with individual thoughts and feelings. You have to live with yours.

So it's okay to say "no." You don't have to explain, but you can give your reasons if you want to - "I've made up my mind to wait," or, "I'm not ready to get involved" - say whatever makes you most comfortable. It may help to practice saying it to yourself before you need to say it to someone else.

MAKING YOUR DECISION means getting to know yourself. Try to think about what sort of person you are and want to be. What kind of life do you want? What work will you do? What training will you need? The more you are sure of yourself, the less likely you are to be flattered or frightened into doing something before you're ready.

Sex is an important part of life. It is not separate from everything else. Respect for ourselves and others is essential in all parts of life - including our sex life. Respect allows us to accept and appreciate each other. It helps us to be thoughtful and trusting of each other. It's not always easy. But it's always important.

What to Do If You Need Help

TALK TO PEOPLE you trust and respect - at home, school, temple, church, mosque, or club.

What if your parents have never talked with you about sex? They may be waiting for you to ask. Go ahead and risk it.

Maybe your place of worship has family life courses or discussion groups.

Some communities and schools have hotlines or peer counselors. Ask if your sexuality education program includes discussions of sexuality AND relationships.

Most Planned Parenthood health centers have counseling programs that you can attend with your parents, or confidential programs that you can go to alone. You can talk with counselors or other teens there. You'll probably meet other young people who've decided that it's cool to say "NO."

To talk with someone at the Planned Parenthood health center nearest you, call toll-free 1-800-230-PLAN.

next: Self-Esteem and How to Improve Your's

sex therapy

If you have the impulse to search out sex therapy for a sexual problem, do so. However, there are two elements of most such therapies that you may do yourself which may prove helpful:

1. Education about body sexual parts may be accomplished by reading and/or by exploration with a willing partner.
2. An early feature of sex therapy is often the touching and massaging of one's partner. At first, sexual parts are avoided and then approached days later only if the massage goes well.

Often specific books on sexuality will be helpful. For men or women, I suggest New Male Sexuality by Bernie Zilbergeld and For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality by Lonnie Barbach.

A Tip for Men Making Love to Women: The old talk of a vaginal orgasm is considered bunk by many experts today. You men reading this will understand what many women want most, if you understand that the woman's vagina is like your testicles, enjoyable and important sexually. But without significant stimulation of the clitoris (analogous to your penis) orgasm and maximum sexual pleasure are not likely.

From the self help psychology book, Be Your Own Therapist.

next: Surfing for Online Sex Therapy