The Moment of Greatest Stress Is: When Your Partner Wants To Take Care Of You

CRUCIAL MOMENTS

It's an amazingly simple concept, yet most people are shocked to learn that their relationship problems happen at a certain SPECIFIC MOMENT!

They are also amazed when they learn that WHAT HAPPENS IN THAT SPECIFIC MOMENT usually determines how bad the whole problem is gong to get!

WHAT TO DO ABOUT YOUR MOMENT OF GREATEST STRESS

The next MOMENT that you notice that your partner has the IMPULSE to take care of you

NOTICE THINGS LIKE THIS:

1. What THE OTHER PERSON actually DOES when they feel this urge. (Do they go ahead with the urge and touch you caringly, do they hold back... What?)
2. What YOU actually did the split-second BEFORE they had the urge. (Was their urge to take care of you "triggered" by something you did?)
3. What THE OTHER PERSON does next.
4. What YOU do next.
5. Where you are. (Are the physical surroundings "fitting" for this impulse? Do they "trigger" it?)
6. How your partner seems to feel when they act on the impulse (or when they don't).
7. How their action (or lack of action) effects you.
8. How good was your partner at COMMUNICATING the message to you that they wanted to take care of you?
9. How good were you at RECEIVING their message?
10. How else could they have tried to communicate this message to you?

If you don't learn much from noticing these ten things the first time, do it again and again until you think you have a pretty good idea why things go wrong.

Remember, we are talking about THE worst problem in your relationship here. It's got to be WORTH the time it takes to figure it out! This is the "data gathering" phase.

The only thing left after the data gathering is take action. Here's what I suggest....

If your theory ONLY has to do with YOU, it's time for some "self-therapy." Ask yourself questions like this: "Why don't I notice when my partner wants to take care of me?" "How did I get this way? Why am I uncomfortable when they want to take care of me? When and where did I learn to be uncomfortable about such a good thing? Is my discomfort related to past experiences with them or with someone else?"

"Why do I keep responding in this same way over and over even though it doesn't work well for us?"

"Why do I keep hoping these things will work despite so much evidence to the contrary?"

Then make a lengthy list of all of the OTHER things you could do when they have this impulse (besides the things you keep trying that don't work). All you need to do then is EXPERIMENT with your list of these other things to do.

Most of them WILL AUTOMATICALLY WORK BETTER than what you've been doing!

Some of them may even work wonderfully for both of you!

If your theory is that THEY cause the problem or that somehow it takes BOTH of you to create the problem, it's time for a discussion with your partner.

If you are excited about your theory and almost sure that it is true:

JUST TELL YOUR PARTNER WHAT YOU'VE FIGURED OUT!

But be ready for them to disagree.

There are two reasons they might disagree:

1. They may know more about the situation than you do and need to explain some things to you.
2. They might be shocked that you were even thinking about it and that you came up with such a good solution! (It's only human nature to disbelieve someone else's claim that they have figured out an answer to something that seemed "unsolvable" just a few seconds before!)

If you aren't so sure about your theory:

JUST TELL YOUR PARTNER WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT AND WHAT YOU'VE COME UP WITH SO FAR.

THEN ASK THEM TO DO THEIR BEST THINKING SO YOU CAN FIGURE OUT MORE TOGETHER.

EVENTUALLY, THE TWO OF YOU WILL COME UP WITH A PLAN.

TRY IT OUT!

If it works, great! If it doesn't, talk again and come up with your next plan. Keep referring back to the ten things I suggested for you to notice

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Relationship Quiz

• Relationship Analysis
• Analyzing Non-Sexual Relationships
• Relationship Analysis Questionnaire

Your Greatest Strengths

• Your Greatest Strength Is Sharing Opinions Together
• Your Greatest Strength Is Playing Together Sexually
• Your Greatest Strength Is When Either Person Is Being Taken Care Of
• Your Greatest Strength Is Thinking Clearly Together

Your Greatest Weaknesses

• Your Greatest Weakness Is Sharing Opinions Together
• Your Greatest Weakness Is Playing Together Sexually
• Your Greatest Weakness Is When Someone Is Being Taken Care Of
• Your Greatest Weakness Is Thinking Together

The Moment of Greatest Stress Is

• When You Want To Take Care of The Other Person
• When Your Partner Wants To Take Care Of You
• When You Want To Be Taken Care Of By Your Partner
• When Your Partner Wants To Be Taken Care of by You
• When You Want to Share Opinions with Your Partner
• When Your Partner Wants to Share Opinions With You
• When You Want to Think Clearly With Your Partner
• When The Other Person Wants to Think Clearly With You
• When You Want to Have Sex With The Other Person
• When the Other Person Wants To Have Sex With You

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THIS IS, UNFORTUNATELY, ONE OF THE WORST TWO PLACES TO HAVE YOUR WEAKNESS.

All problem-solving requires "thinking together." Therefore, small problems grow into big problems rather quickly, and big problems almost require a therapist.

Work on this problem, separately and together, before things get out of hand some day.

Separately, I'd suggest that you ask yourselves: "Would I rather be right, or happy!" (so you can listen more clearly and stop trying to be "right" all the time).

Together, I might suggest that you attend "couple's workshops" which teach rational problem-solving skills. Remember, if things get rough, get help!

(While this problem is serious, it doesn't usually require LOTS of therapy - just enough to solve the problem that seems so unsolvable when you work on it together....)

Learn About the Moment of Greatest Stress --->

ENJOY YOUR CHANGES!

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CONGRATULATIONS! THIS IS THE SECOND BEST PLACE TO HAVE YOUR WEAKNESS!

The problem here is that you are likely to have a lot of arguments or disagreements about "who has to take care of who" (the most common argument in most relationships).

If "thinking together" is strong, you find it relatively easy to solve these problems when they come up. If "playing together" is strong, your relationship might even be so strong that these occasional flare-ups are "no big deal" to either of you.

If you want to improve, I'd suggest that the one who isn't being taken care of well enough should find a few other people (friends usually, maybe a therapist) who are good at taking care of them. I'd also suggest that the one who isn't taking especially good care of their partner would be wise to spend more time imagining "what it would be like to be my partner."

Learn About the Moment of Greatest Stress --->

ENJOY YOUR CHANGES!

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YOUR WEAKNESS IS IN THE MOST IMPORTANT ASPECT OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

If you are strong at "thinking together," ask yourself: "What goes wrong (mentally, and "between us") in the precise moment when I am wanting sex?," and, "What goes wrong (mentally, and "between us") in the precise moment when my partner is wanting sex?" Read the last section of this analysis on "The Best Way To Communicate For Problem-Solving" for some valuable hints to help you in this process.

If you are not particularly strong at "thinking together" I strongly suggest that you get professional help. A sex therapist is one possibility, but a therapist of one kind or another - for you as a couple or for each of you individually - would be a good idea.

(If it seems like I'm coming on too strong, remember that you are both "fighting biology" here! This puts a tremendous strain on each of you, and on your relationship.)

Learn About the Moment of Greatest Stress --->

ENJOY YOUR CHANGES!

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CONGRATULATIONS!

This is the BEST place to have your weakest suit!

If you are also strong at "playing together" you have an excellent relationship!

If you are strong at "thinking together," you find it remarkably easy to solve problems. Therefore, even though you have "ups and downs" due to your disagreements, the "downs" go away rather quickly.

If you want to get better at "sharing opinions" (it might not be necessary), teach each other that "It's OK that we disagree, that we 'agree to disagree' sometimes. It makes our lives more exciting!"

Learn About the Moment of Greatest Stress --->

ENJOY YOUR CHANGES!

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CONGRATULATIONS!

This is the SECOND BEST place to have your strongest suit!

Relationships like yours have the ability to find their way through a wide variety of problems. Minor problems stay minor; serious problems are quickly solved!

If playing together sexually is also good, you have an excellent relationship!

If you want to improve, all I'd suggest is that you use more time and energy having fun!

LEARN ABOUT YOUR GREATEST WEAKNESS:

Click On Your LOWEST Score Here

Sharing Opinions Together

Either Person Taking Care Of The Other

Playing Together Sexually

ENJOY YOUR CHANGES!

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You may have a very good relationship, especially if you are also strong at either "playing together" or "thinking clearly."

If you are not strong at "playing together," you might find that you both tend to feel "hopeless" rather quickly when there are problems. This would be even more true if you are not strong at "thinking together."

Relationships like yours can have many very close and intense moments, but, because of this intensity, "emotional burn out" is a possibility.

The best ways for you to strengthen your relationship would be:

1. Learn to be more rational whenever either of you are tempted to be competitive.
2. Enjoy more "mutual" sex, and spend a greater amount of time being sexual together.
3. Each of you needs to be more "selfish," especially the person who is doing the "taking care of." Think about what you need and get it wherever you can (not just from your partner). [This last comment refers to ALL things you want, and is NOT meant to encourage infidelity!]
4. If you have serious disputes involve an objective third party (a therapist or a truly objective friend).

LEARN ABOUT YOUR GREATEST WEAKNESS:

Click On Your LOWEST Score Here

Sharing Opinions Together

Thinking Together

Playing Together Sexually

ENJOY YOUR CHANGES!

back to: Relationship Quiz Table of Contents

CONGRATULATIONS!

This is the BEST place to have your strongest suit! Relationships like yours can survive even major problems is necessary, because you both have so many "strokes" (so much attention) at stake. If you are also strong in "thinking clearly together," you have a dynamite relationship!

Learn About Your GREATEST WEAKNESS:

Click On Your LOWEST Score Here

Sharing Opinions Together

Either Person Taking Care Of The Other

Thinking Together

ENJOY YOUR CHANGES!

back to: Relationship Quiz Table of Contents

Sorry to say, but your strength is in the LEAST important aspect of your relationship.

If you are also weak at either "playing together" or "thinking together," you have some very difficult problems to overcome. If, on the other hand, you are strong at either "playing together" or "thinking together," and you also have extremely strong religious or philosophical beliefs you both share equally, you might be content.

If there are serious disputes, remember to call in a therapist or other professional.

NOTE: Sometimes older couples will score strongly at "sharing opinions" and also be strong at "thinking together" but weak at "playing sexually." If there are physical problems or if, sadly, sex has become less important to both of you, you might actually have an excellent (if unexciting) relationship!

LEARN ABOUT YOUR GREATEST WEAKNESS:

Click On Your LOWEST Score Here

Either Person Taking Care Of The Other

Thinking Together

Playing Together Sexually

ENJOY YOUR CHANGES!

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