So I decided to try out this journaling online thing, because I prefer typing over writing but I'm afraid if I have my journal on my computer, someone might find it and read it. Might sound paranoid but it would be a majorly big deal if my fam found my journal since I talk about my ED and abuse and stuff- which they know next to nothing about. So I'm tryin this out and we'll see how it goes. If I randomly disappear, it means I got bored of it or something lol...

 Therapy today was so damn irritating, I can't even tell you. I almost didn't even go, I was tired and crabby (still am actually) and had no patience to deal with D. But I decided to go because I binged last night and I hate that i'm fallin back into that when it's been almost 2 weeks since I last binged (which is really good for me at this point) and I don't want to go back there...wow I'm writing a lot of run-ons in this blog, I hope nobody can actually read this. Then again if they can, who cares? Nobody knows who the hell "FallinApart" is in real life so WTF, why not just let it all out here so that my shitty feelings don't translate into bad coping skills in the real world.

I feel like I've screwed up so much of my life these past 2 years, but really it's M & B's faults too. They caused it in the first place, I have a right to put some of the blame on them. But I really have forgiven M and I'm close to forgiving B, I can sense it.  The flashbacks are gone lately, but I'm scared that's just because I'm keeping them away, and that if I let, more will come flooding back to me. Maybe that's why I can't just move on competely yet, maybe there's more I need to remember/work thru/ deal with. That scares the living shit out of me. Those flashbacks are hell, they leave me such a mess and they hurt so bad and I'm all alone with them. D tries to help, calls on his way home from work and stuff but it makes me feel so pathetic and weak to "need" him and besides it doesnt do much to lessen the pain.

I think maybe the reason I'm regressing a bit right now is because I've been doing well and I can sense the lasting changes in me and it all scares me so bad cuz what if I fall apart again and it all disappears? And what if Im not good enough and i dont use my newfound normalcy to the best of what it can be? etc etc...its my perfectionistic, all-or-nothing, black and white thinking coming to the surface even tho I try to fight it. I know it's self-destructive but somehow I continue to fall back to the patterns I've followed my whole life. It takes so much energy to break free of all that and sometimes I let myself get sucked back in.

So now I'm sabotoging my "recovery" because I'm so scared of failure. Great, that makes tons of sense. just wonderful. well guess what?? that's fucked up. that is so twisted. I'll automatically fail if I don't try, so WTF do I do to get that fact in my brain?! Blahhhh I'm losin all patience here...I just want to be magically better. Haven't I earned it by now?? All the pain and flashbacks and tears and loneliness and hurt and frustration and irritation and hell, hasn't that counted for anything? Forcing myself to keep going to therapy even when I want to give up, putting up with D's bullshit and going back to face him after humiliating myself during a meltdown? If that's not enough to get me back to normal then what is??

I'm sick of feeling so shitty all the time. Sometimes when I'm feeling good, I stop and just absorb the beauty of feeling good about being alive. Those times that I get excited about all the many things I have to do instead of freaking out and getting anxious about it....those moments make an entire day worth being awake and alive. But sometimes those moments don't come, either because I don't put in the effort to recognize them or because I am way too down to be able to access them.  That sucks, you know? It sucks that even on 100 mg of zoloft, I can still get down enough that i fantasize about taking all my sleeping pills and finally being dead. I know, that sounds so fucked up right?? Well it is, and I am. I know it. It's just so hard to change. It's so so hard to change, and I'm tired of fighting. By the time school starts up again in sep, I MUST be back to normal. So it's time for me to step it up and put in more effort to do the right thing, make healthy choices, and find ways to live in a balanced way. No biggie. After that I'll learn how to fly. yahh righttttttttttt :-/

BLAHHHHHHHHHHHH 

The Moment of Greatest Stress Is: When The Other Person Wants To Have Sex With You.

CRUCIAL MOMENTS

It's an amazingly simple concept, yet most people are shocked to learn that their relationship problems happen at a certain SPECIFIC MOMENT!

They are also amazed when they learn that WHAT HAPPENS IN THAT SPECIFIC MOMENT usually determines how bad the whole problem is gong to get!

WHAT TO DO ABOUT YOUR MOMENT OF GREATEST STRESS

The next MOMENT that you notice that your partner has the IMPULSE to have sex with you

NOTICE THINGS LIKE THIS:

1. What THE OTHER PERSON actually DOES when they feel this urge. (Do they go ahead with the urge and approach you sexually, do they hold back... What?)
2. What YOU actually did the split-second BEFORE they had the urge. (Was their urge to have sex with you "triggered" by something you did?)
3. What THE OTHER PERSON does next.
4. What YOU do next.
5. Where you are. (Are the physical surroundings "fitting" for this impulse? Do they "trigger" it?)
6. How your partner seems to feel when they act on the impulse (or when they don't).
7. How their action (or lack of action) effects you.
8. How good was your partner at COMMUNICATING the message to you that they wanted to have sex with you?
9. How good were you at RECEIVING their message?
10. How else could they have tried to communicate this message to you?

If you don't learn much from noticing these ten things the first time, do it again and again until you think you have a pretty good idea why things go wrong.

Remember, we are talking about THE worst problem in your relationship here. It's got to be WORTH the time it takes to figure it out!

This is the "data gathering" phase. The only thing left after the data gathering is take action. Here's what I suggest....

If your theory ONLY has to do with YOU, it's time for some "self-therapy."

Ask yourself questions like this: "Why don't I notice when my partner wants to have sex with me?"

"How did I get this way? Why am I uncomfortable when they start to have sex with me? When and where did I learn to be uncomfortable about such a good thing? Is my discomfort related to past experiences with them or with someone else?"

"Why do I keep responding in this same way over and over even though it doesn't work well for us?" "Why do I keep hoping these things will work despite so much evidence to the contrary?"   Then make a lengthy list of all of the OTHER things you could do when they have this impulse (besides the things you keep trying that don't work).

All you need to do then is EXPERIMENT with your list of these other things to do. Most of them WILL AUTOMATICALLY WORK BETTER than what you've been doing! Some of them may even work wonderfully for both of you!

If your theory is that THEY cause the problem or that somehow it takes BOTH of you to create the problem, it's time for a discussion with your partner.

If you are excited about your theory and almost sure that it is true: JUST TELL YOUR PARTNER WHAT YOU'VE FIGURED OUT! But be ready for them to disagree.

There are two reasons they might disagree:

1. They may know more about the situation than you do and need to explain some things to you.
2. They might be shocked that you were even thinking about it and that you came up with such a good solution! (It's only human nature to disbelieve someone else's claim that they have figured out an answer to something that seemed "unsolvable" just a few seconds before!)

If you aren't so sure about your theory:

JUST TELL YOUR PARTNER WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT AND WHAT YOU'VE COME UP WITH SO FAR.

THEN ASK THEM TO DO THEIR BEST THINKING SO YOU CAN FIGURE OUT MORE TOGETHER.

EVENTUALLY, THE TWO OF YOU WILL COME UP WITH A PLAN.

TRY IT OUT!

If it works, great! If it doesn't, talk again and come up with your next plan. Keep referring back to the ten things I suggested for you to notice

back to: Relationship Quiz Table of Contents

The Moment of Greatest Stress Is: When You Want to Have Sex With The Other Person.

CRUCIAL MOMENTS

It's an amazingly simple concept, yet most people are shocked to learn that their relationship problems happen at a certain SPECIFIC MOMENT! They are also amazed when they learn that WHAT HAPPENS IN THAT SPECIFIC MOMENT usually determines how bad the whole problem is gong to get!

WHAT TO DO ABOUT YOUR MOMENT OF GREATEST STRESS

The next MOMENT that you have the IMPULSE to have sex with your partner

NOTICE THINGS LIKE THIS:

1. What YOU actually DO when you feel this urge. (Do you go ahead with your urge and touch your sexually, do you hold back, ...What?)
2. What your partner actually did the split-second BEFORE you had this urge. (Was your urge to have sex with them "triggered" by something they did?)
3. What YOU do next.
4. What THEY do next.
5. Where you are. (Are the physical surroundings "fitting" for this impulse? Do they "trigger" it?)
6. How you feel when you act on the impulse (or when you don't).
7. How your action (or lack of action) effects your partner.
8. How good were you at COMMUNICATING the message to them that you wanted to have sex with them?
9. How good were they at RECEIVING your message?
10. How else could you have tried to communicate this message to your partner?

If you don't learn much from noticing these ten things the first time, do it again and again until you think you have a pretty good idea why things go wrong. Remember, we are talking about THE worst problem in your relationship here. It's got to be WORTH the time it takes to figure it out!

This is the "data gathering" phase. The only thing left after the data gathering is take action. Here's what I suggest....

If your theory ONLY has to do with YOU, it's time for some "self-therapy." Ask yourself questions like this:

"Why do I stop myself from taking action when I want to have sex with my partner?"

"Why do I keep doing the same old things over and over again when I have this impulse?"

"Why do I keep hoping these things will work despite so much evidence to the contrary?"

Then make a lengthy list of all of the OTHER things you could do when you act on this impulse (besides the things you do that don't work). All you need to do then is EXPERIMENT with your list of these other things to do.

Most of them WILL AUTOMATICALLY WORK BETTER than what you've been doing! Some of them may even work wonderfully for both of you!

If your theory is that THE OTHER PERSON causes the problem or that somehow it takes BOTH of you to create the problem, it's time for a discussion with your partner. If you are excited about your theory and almost sure that it is true:

JUST TELL YOUR PARTNER WHAT YOU'VE FIGURED OUT!

But be ready for them to disagree. There are two reasons they might disagree:

1. They may know more about the situation than you do and need to explain some things to you.
2. They might be shocked that you were even thinking about it and that you came up with such a good solution! (It's only human nature to disbelieve someone else's claim that they have figured out an answer to something that seemed "unsolvable" just a few seconds before!)

If you aren't so sure about your theory:

JUST TELL YOUR PARTNER WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT AND WHAT YOU'VE COME UP WITH SO FAR.

THEN ASK THEM TO DO THEIR BEST THINKING SO YOU CAN FIGURE OUT MORE TOGETHER.

EVENTUALLY, THE TWO OF YOU WILL COME UP WITH A PLAN.

TRY IT OUT! If it works, great! If it doesn't, talk again and come up with your next plan. Keep referring back to the ten things I suggested for you to notice.

back to: Relationship Quiz Table of Contents

The Moment of Greatest Stress Is: When The Other Person Wants to Think Clearly With You.

CRUCIAL MOMENTS

It's an amazingly simple concept, yet most people are shocked to learn that their relationship problems happen at a certain SPECIFIC MOMENT! They are also amazed when they learn that WHAT HAPPENS IN THAT SPECIFIC MOMENT usually determines how bad the whole problem is gong to get!

WHAT TO DO ABOUT YOUR MOMENT OF GREATEST STRESS

The next MOMENT that you notice that your partner has the IMPULSE to think clearly with you

NOTICE THINGS LIKE THIS:

1. What THE OTHER PERSON actually DOES when they feel this urge. (Do they go ahead with the urge and say something thoughtful, do they hold back... What?)
2. What YOU actually did the split-second BEFORE they had the urge. (Was their urge to think clearly with you "triggered" by something you did?)
3. What THE OTHER PERSON does next.
4. What YOU do next.
5. Where you are. (Are the physical surroundings "fitting" for this impulse? Do they "trigger" it?)
6. How your partner seems to feel when they act on the impulse (or when they don't).
7. How their action (or lack of action) effects you.
8. How good was your partner at COMMUNICATING the message to you that they wanted to think clearly with you?
9. How good were you at RECEIVING their message?
10. How else could they have tried to communicate this message to you?

If you don't learn much from noticing these ten things the first time, do it again and again until you think you have a pretty good idea why things go wrong.

Remember, we are talking about THE worst problem in your relationship here. It's got to be WORTH the time it takes to figure it out! This is the "data gathering" phase. The only thing left after the data gathering is take action. Here's what I suggest....

If your theory ONLY has to do with YOU, it's time for some "self-therapy." Ask yourself questions like this:

"Why don't I notice when my partner wants to think clearly with me?"

"How did I get this way? Why am I uncomfortable when they start to think clearly with me? When and where did I learn to be uncomfortable about such a good thing? Is my discomfort related to past experiences with them or with someone else?"

"Why do I keep responding in this same way over and over even though it doesn't work well for us?"

"Why do I keep hoping these things will work despite so much evidence to the contrary?"

Then make a lengthy list of all of the OTHER things you could do when they have this impulse (besides the things you keep trying that don't work). All you need to do then is EXPERIMENT with your list of these other things to do. Most of them WILL AUTOMATICALLY WORK BETTER than what you've been doing! Some of them may even work wonderfully for both of you!

If your theory is that THEY cause the problem or that somehow it takes BOTH of you to create the problem, it's time for a discussion with your partner. If you are excited about your theory and almost sure that it is true:

JUST TELL YOUR PARTNER WHAT YOU'VE FIGURED OUT!

But be ready for them to disagree. There are two reasons they might disagree:

1. They may know more about the situation than you do and need to explain some things to you.
2. They might be shocked that you were even thinking about it and that you came up with such a good solution! (It's only human nature to disbelieve someone else's claim that they have figured out an answer to something that seemed "unsolvable" just a few seconds before!)

If you aren't so sure about your theory:

JUST TELL YOUR PARTNER WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT AND WHAT YOU'VE COME UP WITH SO FAR.

THEN ASK THEM TO DO THEIR BEST THINKING SO YOU CAN FIGURE OUT MORE TOGETHER.

EVENTUALLY, THE TWO OF YOU WILL COME UP WITH A PLAN.

TRY IT OUT! If it works, great! If it doesn't, talk again and come up with your next plan. Keep referring back to the ten things I suggested for you to notice.

back to: Relationship Quiz Table of Contents

The Moment of Greatest Stress Is: When You Want to Think Clearly With Your Partner

CRUCIAL MOMENTS

It's an amazingly simple concept, yet most people are shocked to learn that their relationship problems happen at a certain SPECIFIC MOMENT! They are also amazed when they learn that WHAT HAPPENS IN THAT SPECIFIC MOMENT usually determines how bad the whole problem is gong to get!

WHAT TO DO ABOUT YOUR MOMENT OF GREATEST STRESS

The next MOMENT that you have the IMPULSE to think clearly with the other person

NOTICE THINGS LIKE THIS:

1. What YOU actually DO when you feel this urge. (Do you go ahead with your urge and say something thoughtful, do you hold back, ...What?)
2. What your partner actually did the split-second BEFORE you had this urge. (Was your urge to think clearly with them "triggered" by something they did?)
3. What YOU do next.
4. What THEY do next.
5. Where you are. (Are the physical surroundings "fitting" for this impulse? Do they "trigger" it?)
6. How you feel when you act on the impulse (or when you don't).
7. How your action (or lack of action) effects your partner.
8. How good were you at COMMUNICATING the message to them that you wanted to think clearly with them?
9. How good were they at RECEIVING your message?
10. How else could you have tried to communicate this message to your partner?

If you don't learn much from noticing these ten things the first time, do it again and again until you think you have a pretty good idea why things go wrong. Remember, we are talking about THE worst problem in your relationship here. It's got to be WORTH the time it takes to figure it out!

This is the "data gathering" phase. The only thing left after the data gathering is take action. Here's what I suggest....

If your theory ONLY has to do with YOU, it's time for some "self-therapy." Ask yourself questions like this: "Why do I stop myself from taking action when I want to think clearly with my partner?"

"Why do I keep doing the same old things over and over again when I have this impulse?"

"Why do I keep hoping these things will work despite so much evidence to the contrary?"

Then make a lengthy list of all of the OTHER things you could do when you act on this impulse (besides the things you do that don't work). All you need to do then is EXPERIMENT with your list of these other things to do. Most of them WILL AUTOMATICALLY WORK BETTER than what you've been doing! Some of them may even work wonderfully for both of you!

If your theory is that YOUR PARTNER causes the problem or that somehow it takes BOTH of you to create the problem, it's time for a discussion with your partner.

If you are excited about your theory and almost sure that it is true:

JUST TELL YOUR PARTNER WHAT YOU'VE FIGURED OUT!

But be ready for them to disagree. There are two reasons they might disagree:

1. They may know more about the situation than you do and need to explain some things to you.
2. They might be shocked that you were even thinking about it and that you came up with such a good solution! (It's only human nature to disbelieve someone else's claim that they have figured out an answer to something that seemed "unsolvable" just a few seconds before!)

If you aren't so sure about your theory:

JUST TELL YOUR PARTNER WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT AND WHAT YOU'VE COME UP WITH SO FAR.

THEN ASK THEM TO DO THEIR BEST THINKING SO YOU CAN FIGURE OUT MORE TOGETHER.

EVENTUALLY, THE TWO OF YOU WILL COME UP WITH A PLAN.

TRY IT OUT!

If it works, great! If it doesn't, talk again and come up with your next plan. Keep referring back to the ten things I suggested for you to notice.

back to: Relationship Quiz Table of Contents

The Moment of Greatest Stress Is: When Your Partner Wants to Share Opinions With You.

CRUCIAL MOMENTS

It's an amazingly simple concept, yet most people are shocked to learn that their relationship problems happen at a certain SPECIFIC MOMENT!

They are also amazed when they learn that WHAT HAPPENS IN THAT SPECIFIC MOMENT usually determines how bad the whole problem is gong to get!

WHAT TO DO ABOUT YOUR MOMENT OF GREATEST STRESS

The next MOMENT that you notice that your partner has the IMPULSE to share opinions with you

NOTICE THINGS LIKE THIS:

1. What THE OTHER PERSON actually DOES when they feel this urge. (Do they go ahead with the urge and ask for your opinion, do they hold back... What?)
2. What YOU actually did the split-second BEFORE they had the urge. (Was their urge to share opinions with you "triggered" by something you did?)
3. What THE OTHER PERSON does next.
4. What YOU do next.
5. Where you are. (Are the physical surroundings "fitting" for this impulse? Do they "trigger" it?)
6. How your partner seems to feel when they act on the impulse (or when they don't).
7. How their action (or lack of action) effects you.
8. How good was your partner at COMMUNICATING the message to you that they wanted to share opinions with you?
9. How good were you at RECEIVING their message?
10. How else could they have tried to communicate this message to you?

If you don't learn much from noticing these ten things the first time, do it again and again until you think you have a pretty good idea why things go wrong. Remember, we are talking about THE worst problem in your relationship here. It's got to be WORTH the time it takes to figure it out! This is the "data gathering" phase.

The only thing left after the data gathering is take action. Here's what I suggest....

If your theory ONLY has to do with YOU, it's time for some "self-therapy." Ask yourself questions like this:

"Why don't I notice when my partner wants to share opinions with me?"

"How did I get this way? Why am I uncomfortable when they start to share opinions with me? When and where did I learn to be uncomfortable about such a good thing? Is my discomfort related to past experiences with them or with someone else?"

"Why do I keep responding in this same way over and over even though it doesn't work well for us?"

"Why do I keep hoping these things will work despite so much evidence to the contrary?"

Then make a lengthy list of all of the OTHER things you could do when they have this impulse (besides the things you keep trying that don't work).

All you need to do then is EXPERIMENT with your list of these other things to do. Most of them WILL AUTOMATICALLY WORK BETTER than what you've been doing! Some of them may even work wonderfully for both of you!

If your theory is that THEY cause the problem or that somehow it takes BOTH of you to create the problem, it's time for a discussion with your partner. If you are excited about your theory and almost sure that it is true:

JUST TELL YOUR PARTNER WHAT YOU'VE FIGURED OUT!

But be ready for them to disagree. There are two reasons they might disagree:

1. They may know more about the situation than you do and need to explain some things to you.
2. They might be shocked that you were even thinking about it and that you came up with such a good solution! (It's only human nature to disbelieve someone else's claim that they have figured out an answer to something that seemed "unsolvable" just a few seconds before!)

If you aren't so sure about your theory:

JUST TELL YOUR PARTNER WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT AND WHAT YOU'VE COME UP WITH SO FAR.

THEN ASK THEM TO DO THEIR BEST THINKING SO YOU CAN FIGURE OUT MORE TOGETHER.

EVENTUALLY, THE TWO OF YOU WILL COME UP WITH A PLAN.

TRY IT OUT! If it works, great! If it doesn't, talk again and come up with your next plan. Keep referring back to the ten things I suggested for you to notice.

back to: Relationship Quiz Table of Contents

The Moment of Greatest Stress Is: When you want to share opinions with your partner.

CRUCIAL MOMENTS

It's an amazingly simple concept, yet most people are shocked to learn that their relationship problems happen at a certain SPECIFIC MOMENT!

They are also amazed when they learn that WHAT HAPPENS IN THAT SPECIFIC MOMENT usually determines how bad the whole problem is gong to get!

WHAT TO DO ABOUT YOUR MOMENT OF GREATEST STRESS

The next MOMENT that you have the IMPULSE to share opinions with your partne

NOTICE THINGS LIKE THIS:

1. What YOU actually DO when you feel this urge. (Do you go ahead with your urge and ask for an opinion, do you hold back, ...What?)
2. What your partner actually did the split-second BEFORE you had this urge. (Was your urge to share opinions with them "triggered" by something they did?)
3. What YOU do next.
4. What THEY do next.
5. Where you are. (Are the physical surroundings "fitting" for this impulse? Do they "trigger" it?)
6. How you feel when you act on the impulse (or when you don't).
7. How your action (or lack of action) effects your partner.
8. How good were you at COMMUNICATING the message to them that you wanted to share opinions with them?
9. How good were they at RECEIVING your message?
10. How else could you have tried to communicate this message to your partner?

If you don't learn much from noticing these ten things the first time, do it again and again until you think you have a pretty good idea why things go wrong. Remember, we are talking about THE worst problem in your relationship here. It's got to be WORTH the time it takes to figure it out!

This is the "data gathering" phase. The only thing left after the data gathering is take action. Here's what I suggest....

If your theory ONLY has to do with YOU, it's time for some "self-therapy." ask yourself questions like this:

"Why do I stop myself from taking action when I want to share opinions with my partner?"

"Why do I keep doing the same old things over and over again when I have this impulse?"

"Why do I keep hoping these things will work despite so much evidence to the contrary?"

Then make a lengthy list of all of the OTHER things you could do when you act on this impulse (besides the things you do that don't work).

All you need to do then is EXPERIMENT with your list of these other things to do.

Most of them WILL AUTOMATICALLY WORK BETTER than what you've been doing!

Some of them may even work wonderfully for both of you!

If your theory is that YOUR PARTNER causes the problem or that somehow it takes BOTH of you to create the problem, it's time for a discussion with your partner.

If you are excited about your theory and almost sure that it is true:

JUST TELL YOUR PARTNER WHAT YOU'VE FIGURED OUT!

But be ready for them to disagree.

There are two reasons they might disagree:

1. They may know more about the situation than you do and need to explain some things to you.
2. They might be shocked that you were even thinking about it and that you came up with such a good solution! (It's only human nature to disbelieve someone else's claim that they have figured out an answer to something that seemed "unsolvable" just a few seconds before!)

If you aren't so sure about your theory:

JUST TELL THEM WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT AND WHAT YOU'VE COME UP WITH SO FAR.

THEN ASK YOUR PARTNER TO DO THEIR BEST THINKING SO YOU CAN FIGURE OUT MORE TOGETHER.

EVENTUALLY, THE TWO OF YOU WILL COME UP WITH A PLAN. TRY IT OUT!

If it works, great! If it doesn't, talk again and come up with your next plan. Keep referring back to the ten things I suggested for you to notice.

back to: Relationship Quiz Table of Contents

The Moment of Greatest Stress Is: When Your Partner Wants To Be Taken Care of by You

CRUCIAL MOMENTS

It's an amazingly simple concept, yet most people are shocked to learn that their relationship problems happen at a certain SPECIFIC MOMENT!

They are also amazed when they learn that WHAT HAPPENS IN THAT SPECIFIC MOMENT usually determines how bad the whole problem is gong to get!

WHAT TO DO ABOUT YOUR MOMENT OF GREATEST STRESS

The next MOMENT that you notice that your partner has the IMPULSE to be taken care of by you

NOTICE THINGS LIKE THIS:

1. What THE OTHER PERSON actually DOES when they feel this urge. (Do they go ahead with the urge and touch you caringly, do they hold back... What?)
2. What YOU actually did the split-second BEFORE they had the urge. (Was their urge to be taken care of by you "triggered" by something you did?)
3. What THE OTHER PERSON does next.
4. What YOU do next.
5. Where you are. (Are the physical surroundings "fitting" for this impulse? Do they "trigger" it?)
6. How your partner seems to feel when they act on the impulse (or when they don't).
7. How their action (or lack of action) affects you.
8. How good was your partner at COMMUNICATING the message to you that they wanted to be taken care of by you?
9. How good were you at RECEIVING their message?
10. How else could they have tried to communicate this message to you?

If you don't learn much from noticing these ten things the first time, do it again and again until you think you have a pretty good idea why things go wrong.

Remember, we are talking about THE worst problem in your relationship here.

It's got to be WORTH the time it takes to figure it out!

This is the "data gathering" phase. The only thing left after the data gathering is take action. Here's what I suggest....

If your theory ONLY has to do with YOU, it's time for some "self-therapy." Ask yourself questions like this:

"Why don't I notice when my partner wants to be taken care of by me?"

"How did I get this way? Why am I uncomfortable when they want to be taken care of? When and where did I learn to be uncomfortable about such a good thing? Is my discomfort related to past experiences with them or with someone else?"

"Why do I keep responding in this same way over and over even though it doesn't work well for us?"

"Why do I keep hoping these things will work despite so much evidence to the contrary?"

Then make a lengthy list of all of the OTHER things you could do when they have this impulse (besides the things you keep trying that don't work).

All you need to do then is EXPERIMENT with your list of these other things to do. Most of them WILL AUTOMATICALLY WORK BETTER than what you've been doing! Some of them may even work wonderfully for both of you!

If your theory is that THEY cause the problem or that somehow it takes BOTH of you to create the problem, it's time for a discussion with your partner.

If you are excited about your theory and almost sure that it is true: JUST TELL YOUR PARTNER WHAT YOU'VE FIGURED OUT!

But be ready for them to disagree.

There are two reasons they might disagree:

1. They may know more about the situation than you do and need to explain some things to you.
2. They might be shocked that you were even thinking about it and that you came up with such a good solution! (It's only human nature to disbelieve someone else's claim that they have figured out an answer to something that seemed "unsolvable" just a few seconds before!)

If you aren't so sure about your theory:

JUST TELL YOUR PARTNER WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT AND WHAT YOU'VE COME UP WITH SO FAR.

THEN ASK THEM TO DO THEIR BEST THINKING SO YOU CAN FIGURE OUT MORE TOGETHER.

EVENTUALLY, THE TWO OF YOU WILL COME UP WITH A PLAN.

TRY IT OUT! If it works, great! If it doesn't, talk again and come up with your next plan. Keep referring back to the ten things I suggested for you to notice.

back to: Relationship Quiz Table of Contents

The Moment of Greatest Stress Is: When You Want to Be Taken Care of by Your Partner

CRUCIAL MOMENTS

It's an amazingly simple concept, yet most people are shocked to learn that their relationship problems happen at a certain SPECIFIC MOMENT!

They are also amazed when they learn that WHAT HAPPENS IN THAT SPECIFIC MOMENT usually determines how bad the whole problem is gong to get!

WHAT TO DO ABOUT YOUR MOMENT OF GREATEST STRESS

The next MOMENT that you have the IMPULSE to be taken care of by your partner

NOTICE THINGS LIKE THIS:

1. What YOU actually DO when you feel this urge. (Do you go ahead with your urge and ask for something caring, do you hold back, ...What?)
2. What your partner actually did the split-second BEFORE you had this urge. (Was your urge to be taken care of by them "triggered" by something they did?)
3. What YOU do next.
4. What THEY do next.
5. Where you are. (Are the physical surroundings "fitting" for this impulse? Do they "trigger" it?)
6. How you feel when you act on the impulse (or when you don't).
7. How your action (or lack of action) effects your partner.
8. How good were you at COMMUNICATING the message to them that you wanted to be taken care of by them?
9. How good were they at RECEIVING your message?
10. How else could you have tried to communicate this message to your partner?

If you don't learn much from noticing these ten things the first time, do it again and again until you think you have a pretty good idea why things go wrong.

Remember, we are talking about THE worst problem in your relationship here. It's got to be WORTH the time it takes to figure it out!

This is the "data gathering" phase. The only thing left after the data gathering is take action. Here's what I suggest....

If your theory ONLY has to do with YOU, it's time for some "self-therapy."

Ask yourself questions like this: "Why do I stop myself from taking action when I want to be taken care of by my partner?" "Why do I keep doing the same old things over and over again when I have this impulse?" "Why do I keep hoping these things will work despite so much evidence to the contrary?"

Then make a lengthy list of all of the OTHER things you could do when you act on this impulse (besides the things you do that don't work). All you need to do then is EXPERIMENT with your list of these other things to do.

Most of them WILL AUTOMATICALLY WORK BETTER than what you've been doing! Some of them may even work wonderfully for both of you! If your theory is that THEY cause the problem or that somehow it takes BOTH of you to create the problem, it's time for a discussion with your partner.

If you are excited about your theory and almost sure that it is true: JUST TELL THEM WHAT YOU'VE FIGURED OUT! But be ready for them to disagree.

There are two reasons they might disagree:

1. They may know more about the situation than you do and need to explain some things to you.
2. They might be shocked that you were even thinking about it and that you came up with such a good solution! (It's only human nature to disbelieve someone else's claim that they have figured out an answer to something that seemed "unsolvable" just a few seconds before!)

If you aren't so sure about your theory:

JUST TELL YOUR PARTNER WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT AND WHAT YOU'VE COME UP WITH SO FAR.

THEN ASK THEM TO DO THEIR BEST THINKING SO YOU CAN FIGURE OUT MORE TOGETHER.

EVENTUALLY, THE TWO OF YOU WILL COME UP WITH A PLAN.

TRY IT OUT! If it works, great! If it doesn't, talk again and come up with your next plan. Keep referring back to the ten things I suggested for you to notice.

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