• Watch the video on Interacting with Your Abuser

Tips for dealing with your abuser, once the court system is involved with your abusive relationship.

Having chosen your team of consultants and experts - and having hired their services - relegate any inevitable contact with your abusive ex - when and where possible - to professionals: your lawyer, or your accountant. Work with these qualified third parties to extricate yourself and your loved ones from the quagmire of an abusive relationship.

Be sure to maintain as much contact with your abuser as the courts, counselors, mediators, guardians, or law enforcement officials mandate. Do NOT contravene the decisions of the system. Work from the inside to change judgments, evaluations, or rulings - but NEVER rebel against them or ignore them. You will only turn the system against you and your interests. But with the exception of the minimum mandated by the courts - decline any and all GRATUITOUS contact with the narcissist.

Remember that many interactions are initiated by your abusive ex in order to trap or intimidate you. Keep referring him to your lawyer regarding legal issues, to your accountant or financial advisor concerning money matters, and to therapists, psychologists, and counselors with regards to everything else (yourself and your common children).

Abusers react badly to such treatment. Yours will try to manipulate you into unintended contact. Do not respond to his pleading, romantic, nostalgic, flattering, or threatening e-mail and snail mail messages. Keep records of such correspondence and make it immediately available to the courts, law enforcement agencies, court-mandated evaluators, guardians ad litem, therapists, marital counselors, child psychologist - and to your good friends. Keep him away by obtaining restraining orders and injunctions aplenty.

Abusers crave secrecy. Expose their misdeeds. Deter abuse by being open about your predicament. Share with like-minded others. It will ease your burden and keep him at bay, at least for awhile.

Your abusive ex-partner will try to dazzle you with attention. Return all gifts he sends you - unopened and unacknowledged. Keep your communications with him to the bare, cold, minimum. Do not be impolite or abusive - it is precisely how he wants you to behave. It may be used against you in a court of law. Keep your cool but be firm.

Do not let him re-enter your life surreptitiously. Stealth and ambient abuse are powerful tools. Refuse him entry to your premises. Do not even respond to the intercom. Do not talk to him on the phone. Hang up the minute you hear his voice while making clear to him, in a single, polite but unambiguous, sentence, that you are determined not to talk to him, that it's over for good.

 

Do not succumb to your weakness. It is tough living alone. You are bound to miss him horribly at times, selectively recalling only the good moments and the affection in your doomed relationship. Do not "dip" into the poisonous offerings of your abuser. Do not relapse. Be strong. Fill your life with new hobbies, new interests, new friends, new loves, and a new purpose.

Do not visit your abuser on "special occasions", or in emergencies. Do not let him convince you to celebrate an anniversary, a birthday, a successful business transaction, a personal achievement or triumph. Do not let him turn your own memories against you. Do not visit him in the hospital, in jail, a rehab center, or join him in a memorial service.

Do not ask him for anything, even if you are in dire need. When you are forced to meet him, do not discuss your personal affairs - or his. Your abuser's friendship is fake, his life with you a confabulation, his intentions dishonest and dishonorable. He is the enemy.

Abuse by proxy continues long after the relationship is officially over (at least as far as you are concerned). Do not respond to questions, requests, or pleas forwarded to you through third parties. Disconnect from third parties whom you know are spying on you at his behest. Do not discuss him with your children. Do not gossip about him.

The majority of abusers get the message, however belatedly and reluctantly. Others - more vindictive and obsessed - continue to haunt their quarry for years to come. These are the stalkers.

This is the topic of our next article.

 

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next: Coping with Your Stalker

What's it like living with Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD? Take a look.

Notes of therapy session with Magda, female, 58, diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD)

Magda is distressed when I reschedule our appointment. "But we always meet on Wednesdays!" - she pleads, ignoring my detailed explanations and my apologies. She is evidently anxious and her voice trembles. In small, precise movements she rearranges the objects on my desk, stacking stray papers and replacing pens and pencils in their designated canisters.

Anxiety breeds frustration and is followed by rage. The outburst lasts but a second and Magda reasserts control over her emotions by counting aloud (only odd numbers). "So, when and where are we going to meet?" - she finally blurts out.

"On Thursday, same hour, same place" - I reiterate for the third time in as many minutes. "I must make a note of this" - Magda sounds lost and desperate - "I have so many things to do on Thursday!" If Thursday is not convenient, we can make it the next Monday, I suggest. But this prospect of yet another shift in her rigidly ordered universe alarms her even more: "No, Thursday is fine, fine!" - she assures me unconvincingly.

A moment of uneasy silence ensues and then: "Can you give it to me in writing?" Give what in writing? "The appointment." Why does she need it? "In case something goes wrong." What could go wrong? "Oh, you won't believe how many things often go wrong!" - she laughs bitterly and then visibly hyperventilates. What for instance? She'd rather not think about it. "One, three, five..." - she is counting again, trying to allay her inner turmoil.

Why is she counting odd numbers? These are not odd numbers, but prime numbers, divisible only by themselves and by 1(^*).

I rephrase my question: Why is she counting prime numbers? But her mind is clearly elsewhere: am I certain that the office isn't reserved by another therapist for Thursday? Yes, I am certain, I checked with the clinic's receptionist before I rescheduled. How reliable is she, or is it a he?

I try a different tack: is she here to discuss logistics or to attend therapy? The latter. Then why don't we start. "Good idea" - she says. Her problem is that she is overloaded with assignments and can't get anything done despite putting in 80 hour weeks. Why doesn't she get help or delegate some of her workload? She can't trust anyone to do the job properly. Everyone nowadays is so indolent and morally lax.

Has she actually tried to collaborate with someone? Yes, she did but her co-worker was impossible: rude, promiscuous, and "a thief". You mean, she embezzled company funds? "In a way". In what way? She spent the whole day making private phone calls, surfing the Net, and eating. She was also slovenly and fat. Surely, you can't hold her obesity against her? Had she eaten less and exercised more, she wouldn't have looked like a blob - demurs Magda.

These shortcomings aside, was she an efficient worker? Magda glowers at me: "I just told you, I had to do everything by myself. She made so many mistakes that often I had to retype the documents." What word processing software does she use? She is accustomed to the IBM Selectric typewriter. She hates computers, they are so unreliable and user-hostile. When "these mindless monsters" were first introduced into the workplace, the chaos was incredible: furniture had to be moved, wires laid, desks cleared. She hates such disruptions. "Routine guarantees productivity" - she declares smugly and counts prime numbers under her breath.

______________

(^_*) Well into the middle of the previous century, 1 was considered a prime number. Currently, it is no longer thought of as a prime number.

This article appears in my book, "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"

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next: The Schizotypal Patient ~ back to: Case Studies: Table of Contents

Excellent description of Avoidant Personality Disorder. Signs, symptoms, and characteristics of person living with Avoidant Personality Disorder.

People suffering from the Avoidant Personality Disorder feel inadequate, unworthy, inferior, and lacking in self-confidence. As a result, they are shy and socially inhibited. Aware of their real (and, often, imagined) shortcomings, they are constantly on the lookout, are hypervigilant and hypersensitive. Even the slightest, most constructive and well-meant or helpful criticism and disagreement are perceived as complete rejection, ridicule, and shaming. Consequently, they go to great lengths to avoid situations that require interpersonal contact - such as attending school, making new friends, accepting a promotion, or teamwork activities. Hence the Avoidant Personality Disorder.

Inevitably, Avoidants find it difficult to establish intimate relationships. They "test' the potential friend, mate, or spouse to see whether they accept them uncritically and unconditionally. They demand continue verbal reassurances that they really wanted, desired, loved, or cared about.

When asked to describe Avoidants, people often use terms such as shy, timid, lonely, isolated, "invisible", quiet, reticent, unfriendly, tense, risk-averse, resistant to change (reluctant), restricted, "hysterical", and inhibited.

Avoidance is a self-perpetuating vicious cycle: the Avoidant's stilted mannerisms, fears for her personal safety and security, and stifled conduct elicit the very ridicule and derision that he or she so fears!

Even when confronted with incontrovertible evidence to the contrary, Avoidants doubt that they are socially competent or personally appealing. Rather than let go of their much cherished self-image, they sometimes develop persecutory delusions. For instance, they may regard honest praise as flattery and a form of attempted manipulation. Avoidants ceaselessly fantasize about ideal relationships and how they would outshine everyone else in social interactions but are unable to do anything to realize their Walter Mitty fantasies.

In public settings, Avoidants tend to keep to themselves and are very reticent. When pressed, they self-deprecate, act overly modest, and minimize the value of their skills and contributions. By doing so, they are trying to preempt what they believe to be inevitable forthcoming criticism by colleagues, spouses, family members, and friends.

From the entry I wrote for the Open Site Encyclopedia:

The disorder affects 0.5-1% of the general population (or up to 10% of outpatients seen in mental clinics). It is often comorbid with certain Mood and Anxiety Disorders, with the Dependent and Borderline Personality Disorders, and with the Cluster A personality disorder (Paranoid, Schizoid, and Schizotypal).

Read Notes from the therapy of an Avoidant Patient

This article appears in my book, "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"

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next: Psychological Defense Mechanisms

Can therapy be helpful to the narcissist? Find out how the narcissist views and responds to  therapy as a treatment for narcissism.

The narcissist regards therapy as a competitive sport. In therapy the narcissist usually immediately insists that he (or she) is equal to the psychotherapist in knowledge, in experience, or in social status. To substantiate this claim and "level the playing field", the narcissist in the therapeutic session spices his speech with professional terms and lingo.

The narcissist sends a message to his psychotherapist: there is nothing you can teach me, I am as intelligent as you are, you are not superior to me, actually, we should both collaborate as equals in this unfortunate state of things in which we, inadvertently, find ourselves involved.

The narcissist at first idealizes and then devalues the therapist. His internal dialogue is:

"I know best, I know it all, the therapist is less intelligent than I, I can't afford the top level therapists who are the only ones qualified to treat me (as my equals, needless to say), I am actually as good as a therapist myself..."

"He (my therapist) should be my colleague, in certain respects it is he who should accept my professional authority, why won't he be my friend, after all I can use the lingo (psycho-babble) even better than he does? It's us (him and me) against a hostile and ignorant world (shared psychosis, folie a deux)...".

"Just who does he think he is, asking me all these questions? What are his professional credentials? I am a success and he is a nobody therapist in a dingy office, he is trying to negate my uniqueness, he is an authority figure, I hate him, I will show him, I will humiliate him, prove him ignorant, have his licence revoked (transference). Actually, he is pitiable, a zero, a failure..."

These self-delusions and fantastic grandiosity are, really, the narcissist's defences and resistance to treatment. This abusive internal exchange becomes more vituperative and pejorative as therapy progresses.

The narcissist distances himself from his painful emotions by generalising and analyzing them, by slicing his life and hurt into neat packages of what he thinks are "professional insights".

The narcissist has a dilapidated and dysfunctional True Self, overtaken and suppressed by a False Self. In therapy, the general idea is to create the conditions for the True Self to resume its growth: safety, predictability, justice, love and acceptance. To achieve this ambience, the therapist tries to establish a mirroring, re-parenting, and holding environment.

From my book "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited":

"Therapy is supposed to provide these conditions of nurturance and guidance (through transference, cognitive re-labelling or other methods). The narcissist must learn that his past experiences are not laws of nature, that not all adults are abusive, that relationships can be nurturing and supportive.

Most therapists try to co-opt the narcissist's inflated ego (False Self) and defences. They compliment the narcissist, challenging him to prove his omnipotence by overcoming his disorder. They appeal to his quest for perfection, brilliance, and eternal love - and his paranoid tendencies - in an attempt to get rid of counterproductive, self-defeating, and dysfunctional behaviour patterns."

Some therapists try to stroke the narcissist's grandiosity. By doing so, they hope to modify or counter cognitive deficits, thinking errors, and the narcissist's victim-stance. They contract with the narcissist to alter his conduct. Psychiatrists tend to medicalize the disorder by attributing it to genetic or biochemical causes. Narcissists like this approach as it absolves them from responsibility for their actions.

Therapists with unresolved issues and narcissistic defenses of their own sometimes feel compelled to confront the narcissist head on and to engage in power politics, for instance by instituting disciplinary measures. They compete with the narcissist and try to establish their superiority: "I am cleverer than you are", "My will should prevail", and so on. This form of immaturity is decidedly unhelpful and could lead to rage attacks and a deepening of the narcissist's persecutory delusions, bred by his humiliation in the therapeutic setting.

Narcissists generally are averse to being medicated as this amounts to an admission that something is, indeed, wrong and "needs fixing". Narcissists are control freaks and hate to be "under the influence" of "mind altering" drugs prescribed to them by others.

From my book "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited":

"Many (narcissists) believe that medication is the "great equaliser": it will make them lose their uniqueness, superiority and so on. That is unless they can convincingly present the act of taking their medicines as "heroism", a daring enterprise of self-exploration, part of a breakthrough clinical trial, and so on.

(Narcissists) often claim that the medicine affects them differently than it does other people, or that they have discovered a new, exciting way of using it, or that they are part of someone's (usually themselves) learning curve ("part of a new approach to dosage", "part of a new cocktail which holds great promise"). Narcissists must dramatise their lives to feel worthy and special. Aut nihil aut unique - either be special or don't be at all. Narcissists are drama queens.

Very much like in the physical world, change is brought about only through incredible powers of torsion and breakage. Only when the narcissist's elasticity gives way, only when he is wounded by his own intransigence - only then is there hope.

It takes nothing less than a real crisis. Ennui is not enough."

Read more about therapy of personality disorders

Narcissistic Personality Disorder - Treatment Modalities and Therapies

This article appears in my book, "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"

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next: Body Language and Personality Disorders

Excellent description of Schizoid Personality Disorder. Read what it's like living with Schizoid Personality Disorder.

• Watch the video on Schizoid Personality Disorder 

Schizoids enjoy nothing and seemingly never experience pleasure (they are anhedonic). Even their nearest and dearest often describe them as "automata", "robots", or "machines". But the schizoid is not depressed or dysphoric, merely indifferent. Schizoids are uninterested in social relationships and bored or puzzled by interpersonal interactions. They are incapable of intimacy and have a very limited range of emotions and affect. Rarely does the schizoid express feelings, either negative (anger) or positive (happiness).

Schizoids never pursue an opportunity to develop a close relationship. Schizoids are asexual - not interested in sex. Consequently, they appear cold, aloof, bland, stunted, flat, and "zombie"-like. They derive no satisfaction from belonging to a close-knit group: family, church, workplace, neighborhood, or nation. They rarely marry or have children.

Schizoids are loners. Given the option, they invariably pursue solitary activities or hobbies. Inevitably, they prefer mechanical or abstract tasks and jobs that require such skills. Many computer hackers, crackers, and programmers are schizoids, for instance - as are some mathematicians and theoretical physicists. Schizoids are inflexible in their reactions to changing life circumstances and developments - both adverse and opportune. Faced with stress they may disintegrate, decompensate, and experience brief psychotic episodes or a depressive illness.

Schizoids have few friends or confidants. They trust only first-degree relatives - but, even so, they maintain no close bonds or associations, not even with their immediate family.

 

Schizoids pretend to be indifferent to praise, criticism, disagreement, and corrective advice (though, deep inside, they are not). They are creatures of habit, frequently succumbing to rigid, predictable, and narrowly restricted routines. From the outside, the schizoid's life looks "rudderless" and adrift.

Like people with Asperger's Syndrome, schizoids fail to respond appropriately to social cues and rarely reciprocate gestures or facial expressions, such as smiles. As the DSM-IV-TR puts it, "they seem socially inept or superficial and self-absorbed". Some narcissists are also schizoids.

Read Notes from the therapy of a Schizoid Patient

This article appears in my book, "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"

 

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next: Avoidant Personality Disorder

Life isn't easy when you're  diagnosed with Schizotypal Personality Disorder. Find out what it's like living with Schizotypal Personality Disorder.

Notes of first therapy session with El-Or (real name: George), male, 22, diagnosed with Schizotypal Personality Disorder

El-Or's real name is George. He changed it as a result of an epiphany he experienced at the tender age of 9 when he encountered an alien spaceship in his back yard and "in all probability" was abducted by its crew. Can't he remember for sure? It's all kind of fuzzy, but ever since then he has had numerous out of body experiences and has developed psychic capabilities such as clairvoyance and remote viewing. "I can see that you don't believe a word of it." - he declaims bitterly - "You probably can't wait to tell the other therapists here about me and have a good laugh at my expense." I remind him that therapy sessions are strictly confidential but he nods his head sagely: "Yeah, sure, whatever you say, Doc."

El-Or, wounded by my skepticism, lapses into his own private language: "The locust days are here and the wise shall behold and not see, hear the deafening and yet not be lifted." Can he help me understand what he just said? "Your crown is naked, counselor, 'tis there to fathom and yours to cling to. All your kind shall perish if you forsake not your mind's cage." In other words: I better believe what he tells me and give up my prejudices - or I shall be rendered obsolete and dispensable when the time comes.

El-Or firmly believes that Earth is about to be overtaken by alien species. They are already here, scouting the land and choosing who will be "lifted" and who will "perish". Many adepts have defected to "their" side and are collaborating with the aliens in the subjugation of Mankind and the ultimate conquest of our planet. El-Or, though, has decided not to betray his kind. His self-assigned mission is to warn of the impending doom and save as many "enlightened" souls as he can. Hence his irritation with my attempts to puncture holes in his scenario.

El-Or is "marked". Every morning he paints a giant bright-red square on his forehead to renew his covenant with his erstwhile captors. He also wears a multicoloured armband and ankle bracelets. He does that to make "them" think that he is fully converted to "their" cause.

Surreptitiously, though, to signify his true allegiance, he paints a pale blue circle - a symbol of our habitat - under the square. And he always carries with him a duffle bag stuffed with clothes and bare necessities: his "flight kit". Only his intimates, people he can trust with his life, all of them first-degree relatives, know about this subterfuge. "It is very dangerous to go against" the aliens, he susurrates and glances around the room fretfully.

El-Or resents the fact that his love for humanity is not reciprocated and that the huge sacrifices he is making are not being recognized. People frequently mock him and ridicule his ideas, often behind his back, when he is unable to defend himself and show them the errors of their ways. That's why he has no friends. He can trust no one. "The knife in the back always thrust by the pretending soul mate." Does he feel safe in the framework of psychotherapy? "Heaven and Earth conceal that which cannot be revealed" - is his enigmatic response.

This article appears in my book, "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"

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next: The Avoidant Patient ~ back to: Case Studies: Table of Contents

Therapists, psychologists and other mental health workers report having negative feelings towards patients with personality disorders. Read why.

• Watch the video on Narcissist, a Difficult Patient 

In 1978, a medical doctor by the name of J.E. Groves published in the prestigious New England Journal of Medicine an article titled "Taking Care of the Hateful Patient". In it, he admitted that patients with personality disorders often evoke in their physicians dislike or even outright hatred.

Groves described four types of such undesirable patients: "dependent clingers" (codependents), "entitled demanders" (narcissists and borderlines), "manipulative help rejectors" (typically psychopaths and paranoids, borderlines and negativistic passive-aggressives), and "self-destructive deniers" (schizoids and schizotypals, for instance, or histrionics and borderlines).

Therapists, psychologists, social workers, and psychiatrists report similar negative feelings towards such patients. Many of them try to ignore, deny, and repress them. The more mature health professionals realize that denial only exacerbates the undercurrents of tension and resentment, prevents effective patient management, and undermines any therapeutic alliance between healer and the ill.

It is not easy to cater to the needs of patients with personality disorders. By far, the worst is the narcissistic (patient with Narcissistic Personality Disorder).

From my book "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited":

"One of the most important presenting symptoms of the narcissist in therapy is his (or her) insistence that he (or she) is equal to the psychotherapist in knowledge, in experience, or in social status. The narcissist in the therapeutic session spices his speech with psychiatric lingo and professional terms.

 

The narcissist distances himself from his painful emotions by generalising and analyzing them, by slicing his life and hurt and neatly packaging the results into what he thinks are "professional insights". His message to the psychotherapist is: there is nothing much that you can teach me, I am as intelligent as you are, you are not superior to me, actually, we should both collaborate as equals in this unfortunate state of things in which we, inadvertently, find ourselves involved."

In their seminal tome, "Personality Disorders in Modern Life" (New York, John Wiley & Sons, 2000), Theodore Millon and Roger Davis write (p. 308):

"Most narcissists strongly resist psychotherapy. For those who choose to remain in therapy, there are several pitfalls that are difficult to avoid ... Interpretation and even general assessment are often difficult to accomplish..."

The third edition of the "Oxford Textbook of Psychiatry" (Oxford, Oxford University Press, reprinted 2000), cautions (p. 128):

"... (P)eople cannot change their natures, but can only change their situations. There has been some progress in finding ways of effecting small changes in disorders of personality, but management still consists largely of helping the person to find a way of life that conflicts less with his character ... Whatever treatment is used, aims should be modest and considerable time should be allowed to achieve them."

The fourth edition of the authoritative "Review of General Psychiatry" (London, Prentice-Hall International, 1995), says (p. 309):

"(People with personality disorders) ... cause resentment and possibly even alienation and burnout in the healthcare professionals who treat them ... (p. 318) Long-term psychoanalytic psychotherapy and psychoanalysis have been attempted with (narcissists), although their use has been controversial."

Read more about therapy of personality disorders

This article appears in my book, "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"

 

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next: The Narcissist in Therapy

Important information on planning your escape from a domestic violence situation. For victims of domestic violence, abusive spouses or partners.

• Getting Law Enforcement Authorities and the Police Involved
• Getting the Courts Involved - Restraining Orders and Peace Bonds
• Watch the video on Getting Away from an Abuser

This article is meant to be a general guide to planning your escape. It does not contain addresses, contacts, and phone numbers. It is not specific to one state or country. Rather, it describes options and institutions which are common the world over. You should be the one to "fill in the blanks" and locate the relevant shelters and agencies in your domicile.

Read this article on other options and getting help!

Do not leave unprepared. Study and execute every detail of your getaway. This is especially important if your partner is violent. Be sure to make a Safety Plan - how to get out of the house unnoticed and the indispensable minimum items that you should carry with you, even on a short notice.

Here are the recommendations of the Province of Alberta in Canada:

Long before you actually leave, copy all important documents and store them in a safe place. These include: identity cards, health care and social insurance or security Cards, driver's license/registration, credit cards and bank cards, other personal identification (including picture ID), birth certificate, immunisation card for the children, custody order, personal chequebook, last banking statement, and mortgage papers. Make a list of all computer passwords and access codes (for instance: ATM PINs).

When you leave the house, take with you these copied documents as well as the following personal items: prescribed medication, personal hygiene products, glasses/contact lenses, money (borrow from family members, a neighbour, colleague, or friends, if you have to), several changes of clothing (don't forget night wear and underwear), heirlooms, jewellery, photo albums (pictures that you want to keep), craft, needle work, hobby work.

The situation is inevitably more complicated if you are fleeing with your children. In this case, be sure to bring with you their various medications, soother, bottles, favourite toy or blanket, and clothing (again: night wear, underwear). Older kids may carry their own clothes and school books.

 

Make a list of the following and have it on you at all times: addresses and phone numbers of domestic violence shelters, police stations, night courts, community social services, schools in the vicinity, major media, and address and phone and fax numbers of your lawyer and his attorneys. Secure a detailed public transportation map.

Your best bet is to apply to a shelter for a safe place to stay the first few days and nights. Read more about shelters here - Domestic Violence Shelters.

If you can afford to, your next step should be to hire a divorce attorney and file for interim custody. Your divorce papers can be served much later. Your first concern is to keep the children with you safely and legally. Your husband is likely to claim that you have kidnapped them.

But your escape should be only the tip of a long period of meticulous preparations.

We already mentioned that you should make copies of all important documents [see above]. Don't escape from your predicament penniless! Secretly put aside cash for an Escape Fund. Your husband is likely to block your checking account and credit cards. Ask around where you can stay the first week. Will your family or friends accept you? Apply to a domestic violence shelter and wait to be accepted. Be sure to know where you are going!

Make extra sets of keys and documents. Bundle these up with some clothes and keep these "reserve troves" with friends and family. Put one such "trove" in a safety deposit box and give the key to someone you trust. Secure transportation for the day or night of escape. Agree on codes and signals with friends and family ("If I don't call you by 10 PM, something has gone wrong", "If I call you and say that Ron is home, call the police").

You should wait until he is gone and only then leave home. Avoid confrontation over your departure. It can end badly. Do not inform him of your plans. Make excuses to slip away in the days and months before you actually leave. Get him used to your absence.

Should you get the police involved?

 

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Getting Law Enforcement Authorities and the Police Involved

This article is meant to be a general guide to planning your escape. It does not contain addresses, contacts, and phone numbers. It is not specific to one state or country. Rather, it describes options and institutions which are common the world over. You should be the one to "fill in the blanks" and locate the relevant shelters and agencies in your domicile.

Read this article on other options and getting help!

If you want the nightmare to end, there is a rule of thumb which requires courage and determination to implement:

Involve the police whenever possible.

Report his crimes as soon as you can and make sure you retain a copy of your complaint. Your abuser counts on your fear of him and on your natural propensity to keep domestic problems a secret. Expose him to scrutiny and penalties. This will make him re-consider his actions next time around.

Physical assault is a criminal offence as are rape and, in some countries, stalking and marital rape. If you have been physically or sexually assaulted, go to the nearest hospital and document your injuries. Be sure to obtain copies of the admission form, the medical evaluation report, and of any photographs and exam results (X-rays, computerised tomography-CT, biopsies, and so on).

If your abusive intimate partner verbally threatens you, your nearest and dearest, or your property or pets - this is also criminal conduct. To the best of your ability, get him on tape or make him repeat his threats in the presence of witnesses. Then promptly file a complaint with the police.

If your abuser forces you to remain indoors, in isolation, he is committing an offence. Forced confinement or imprisonment is illegal. While so incarcerated, failing to provide you with vital necessities - such as air, water, medical aid, and food - is yet another criminal act.

Damage to property rendering it inoperative or useless - is mischief. It is punishable by law. Same goes for cruelty to animals (let alone children).

If your partner swindled you out of funds or committed fraud, theft, or perjury (by falsifying your signature on a checking or credit card account, for instance) - report him to the police. Financial abuse is as pernicious as the physical variety.

In most countries, the police must respond to your complaint. They cannot just file it away or suppress it. They must talk to you and to your partner separately and obtain written and signed statements from both parties. The police officer on the scene must inform you of your legal options. The officer in charge must also furnish you with a list of domestic violence shelters and other forms of help available in your community.

If you suspect that a member of your family is being abused, the police, in most countries, can obtain a warrant permitting entry into the premises to inspect the situation. They are also authorised to help the victim relocate (leave) and to assist her in any way, including by applying on her behalf and with her consent to the courts to obtain restraining and emergency protection orders. A breach of either of these orders may be an indictable criminal offence as well as a civil offence.

If you decide to pursue the matter and if there are reasonable grounds to do so, the police will likely lay charges against the offender and accuse your partner of assault. Actually, your consent is only a matter of formality and is not strictly required. The police can charge an offender on the basis of evidence only.

If the team on the scene refuses to lay charges, you have the right to talk to a senior police officer. If you cannot sway them to act, you can lay charges yourself by going to the court house and filing with a Justice of the Peace (JP). The JP must let you lay charges. It is your inalienable right.

You cannot withdraw charges laid by the police and you most probably will be subpoenaed to testify against the abuser.

Should you get the courts involved?

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Getting the Courts Involved - Restraining Orders and Peace Bonds

This article is meant to be a general guide to planning your escape. It is not a substitute for legal help and opinion. It does not contain addresses, contacts, and phone numbers. It is not specific to one state or country. Rather, it describes options and institutions which are common the world over. You should be the one to "fill in the blanks" and locate the relevant shelters and agencies in your domicile.

Read this article on other options and getting help!

If you want the nightmare to end, there is a rule of thumb which requires courage and determination to implement:

Involve the courts whenever possible.

In many countries, the first step is to obtain a restraining order from a civil court as part of your divorce or custody proceedings or as a stand-alone measure.

In some countries, the police applies to the court for an emergency protection order on your behalf. The difference between a protection order and a restraining order is that the former is obtained following an incident of domestic violence involving injury or damage to property, it is available immediately, granted at the police's request, and issued even outside court hours.

Many restraining orders are granted ex parte, without the knowledge or presence of your abusive partner, based solely on a signed and sworn affidavit submitted by you. A typical emergency restraining order forbids the offender from visiting certain locations such as the children's schools, your workplace, or your home. It is later reviewed. At the review you should produce evidence of the abuse and witnesses. If the emergency or temporary order upheld it is fixed for a period of time at the judge's discretion.

Always carry the restraining order with you and leave copies at your place of employment and at your children's day-care and schools. You will have to show it to the police if you want to get your abuser arrested when he violates its terms. Breach of the restraining order is a criminal offence.

The wording of the order is not uniform - and it is crucial. "The police shall arrest" is not the same as "The police may arrest" the offender if he ignores the conditions set forth in the order. Don't forget to ask the court to forbid him to contact you by phone and other electronic means. Seek a new restraining order if you had moved and your place of residence or your workplace or the children's day-care or school changed.

If the abuser has visitation rights with the children, these should be specified in the order. Include a provision allowing you to deny the visit if he is intoxicated. The order can be issued against your abuser's family and friends as well if they harass and stalk you.

A restraining order is no substitute for taking precautionary measures to safeguard yourself and your children. Abusers often ignore the court's strictures and taunt you all the same. The situation can easily escalate and get out of hand. Be prepared for such unpleasant and dangerous eventualities.

Avoid empty and unlit areas, carry relevant emergency numbers with you at all times, install a personalised alarm system, wear comfortable shoes and clothes to allow you to run if attacked. Trust your senses - if you feel that you are being followed, go to a public place (restaurant, department store, cinema). Learn by rote the transit routes of all public transport around your home and workplace and make special arrangement with the cab operator nearest to you. You may also wish to consider buying a weapon or, at least, a spray can.

If you were physically or sexually assaulted or if you are being stalked or harassed, keep records of the incidents and a list of witnesses. Never hesitate to lay charges against your abuser, his family and friends. See your charges through by testifying against the offenders. Try not to withdraw the charges even if you worked out your problems. Abusers learn the hard way and a spell in jail (or even a fine) is likely to guarantee your future safety.

Based on a criminal police file, the criminal court can also force your abuser (and his family and friends if they have been harassing you) to sign a peace bond in the presence of a judge. It is a pledge of good behaviour, often requiring your abuser to stay away from your home and place of work for a period of 3-12 months. Some peace bonds forbid the abuser from carrying weapons.

Have the peace bond with you at all times and leave copies at your children's day-care and schools and at your place of employment. You will have to show it to the police if you want to get your abuser arrested when he violates its terms. Breach of the peace bond is a criminal offence.

Do not meet your abuser or speak to him while the restraining order or peace bond are in effect. The courts are likely to take a very dim view of the fact that you yourself violated the terms of these instruments of law issued for your protection and at your request.

There are many additional remedies the courts can apply. They can force your abusive partner to surrender to you households items and clothing, to grant you access to bank accounts and credit cards, to defray some costs, to pay alimony and child support, to submit to psychological counselling and evaluation, and to grant the police access to his home and workplace. Consult your family or divorce attorney as to what else can be done.

In theory, the courts are the victims' friends. The truth, however, is a lot more nuanced. If you are not represented, your chances to get protection and prevail (to have your day in court) are slim. The courts also show some institutional bias in favour of the abuser. Yet, despite these hurdles there is no substitute to getting the legal system to weigh in and restrain your abuser. Use it wisely and you will not regret it.

We deal with two particular court-related situations - custody and giving testimony - in our next two articles.

Visit the HealthyPlace.com Support Network area for abuse and personality disorders support groups.

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next: Danse Macabre - The Dynamics of Spousal Abuse

Description of Borderline Personality Disorder and  accompanying traits that make it difficult for the person living with Borderline Personality Disorder.

• Watch the video on Borderline Personality Disorder

The fact that the Borderline personality disorder is often found among women makes it a controversial mental health diagnosis. Some scholars say that it is a culture-bound pseudo-syndrome invented by men to serve a patriarchal and misogynistic society. Others point to the fact the lives of patients diagnosed with the disorder are chaotic and that the relationships they form are stormy, short-lived, and unstable. Moreover, not unlike compensatory narcissists, people with the Borderline Personality Disorder often display labile (wildly fluctuating) sense of self-worth, self-image and affect (expressed emotions).

Like both narcissists and psychopaths, borderlines are impulsive and reckless. Like histrionics, their sexual conduct is promiscuous, driven, and unsafe. Many borderlines binge eat, gamble, drive, and shop carelessly, and are substance abusers. Lack of impulse control is joined with self-destructive and self-defeating behaviors, such as suicidal ideation, suicide attempts, gestures, or threats, and self-mutilation or self-injury.

The main dynamic in the Borderline Personality Disorder is abandonment anxiety. Like codependents, borderlines attempt to preempt or prevent abandonment (both real and imagined) by their nearest and dearest. They cling frantically and counterproductively to their partners, mates, spouses, friends, children, or even neighbors. This fierce attachment is coupled with idealization and then swift and merciless devaluation of the borderline's target.

Exactly like the narcissist, the borderline patient elicits constant narcissistic supply (attention, affirmation, adulation, approval) to regulate her gyrating sense of self-worth and her chaotic self-image, to shore up serious, marked, persistent, and ubiquitous deficits in self-esteem and Ego functions, and to counter the gnawing emptiness at her core.

 

The Borderline Personality Disorder is often co-diagnosed (is comorbid) with mood and affect disorders. But all borderlines suffer from mood reactivity.

From an entry I wrote for the Open Site Encyclopedia:

"(Borderlines) shift dizzyingly between dysphoria (sadness or depression) and euphoria, manic self-confidence and paralyzing anxiety, irritability and indifference. This is reminiscent of the mood swings of Bipolar Disorder patients. But Borderlines are much angrier and more violent. They usually get into physical fights, throw temper tantrums, and have frightening rage attacks.

When stressed, many Borderlines become psychotic, though only briefly (psychotic micro-episodes), or develop transient paranoid ideation and ideas of reference (the erroneous conviction that one is the focus of derision and malicious gossip). Dissociative symptoms are not uncommon ("losing" stretches of time, or objects, and forgetting events or facts with emotional content)."

Hence the term "borderline" (first coined by Otto F. Kernberg). The Borderline Personality Disorder is on the thin (border) line separating neurosis from psychosis.

Read Notes from the therapy of a Borderline Patient

This article appears in my book, "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"

 

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next: Schizoid Personality Disorder

Read therapy session notes from patient diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder. See what it's like living with Avoidant Personality Disorder.

Notes of first therapy session with Gladys, female, 26, diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder

"I would like to be normal" - says Gladys and blushes purple. In which sense is she abnormal? She prefers reading books and watching movies with her elderly mother to going out with her colleagues to the occasional office party. Maybe she doesn't feel close to them? How long has she been working with these people? Eight years in the same firm and "not one raise in salary" - she blurts out, evidently hurt. Her boss bullies her publicly and the searing shame of it all prevents her from socializing with peers, suppliers, and clients.

Does she have a boyfriend? I must be mocking her. Who would date an ugly duckling, plain secretary like her? I disagree wholeheartedly and in details with her self-assessment. I think that she is very intelligent. She half rises from her seat then thinks better of it: "Please, doctor, there no need to lie to me just in order to make me feel better. I know my good sides and they don't amount to much. If we disagree on this crucial point, perhaps I should start looking for another therapist."

A glass of water and mounds of tissue paper later, we are back on track. She dreads the idea of group therapy. "I am a social cripple. I can't work with other people. I declined a promotion to avoid working in a team." Her boss thought highly of her until she turned his offer down, so in effect it's all her fault and she has earned the abuse she is being subjected to on a daily basis. And, anyhow, he overestimated her capabilities and skills.

Why can't she interact with her co-workers? "Well, that's precisely what we are supposed to find out, isn't it?" - she retorts. Everyone is too critical and opinionated and she can't stand it. She accepts people as they are, unconditionally - why can't they treat her the same way? She fantasizes about getting married one day to a soulmate, someone who would love and cherish her regardless of her blemishes.

I ask her to describe how she thinks she is being perceived by others. "Shy, timid, lonely, isolated, invisible, quiet, reticent, unfriendly, tense, risk-averse, resistant to change, reluctant, restricted, hysterical, and inhibited." That's quite a list, I comment, now how does she view herself? The same, she largely agrees with people's perceptions of her "but it doesn't give them the right to ridicule or torment her just because she is different."

This article appears in my book, "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"

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next: The Histrionic Patient ~ back to: Case Studies: Table of Contents