Schizophrenia has allowed me to glimpse into the hellish nightmare of realities and existence beyond the human condition. It has cursed me with falsehoods and phantasms that exist from elsewhere able to defy the human senses. What is this reality that plagues me? Scientists speak of chemical imbalances and psychotropic medication, yet the experience of psychosis feels more spiritual and surreal than any science textbook can describe. The very nature of my illness has allowed me to glimpse into a different dimension, that plagues the afflicted and strikes fear in others.

Over the course of the next few weeks, I plan on producing a series of poetry readings about Schizophrenia. The poems are based upon past psychotic episodes and are dedicated to the millions, like me, who suffer from Schizophrenia.

I have Schizophrenia and because of this I understand that my illness can be a liability for myself and those around me. Though I am a productive citizen of society when medicated, my illness also puts me at risk for relapse in the future. For this reason, I would never allow myself access to firearms for both my personal safety and those around me.  This is not because I am an evil person, but because Schizophrenia can result in erratic behavior if uncontrolled.  People with Schizophrenia are at high risk for suicide, as nearly 10% will end our lives from our illness.  There have also been incidences of homicides as a result of psychotic episodes.

A recent study by the Karolinsk Institute in Stockholm has provided evidence for what I have always believed; that there is a positive aspect to Schizophrenia. Though Schizophrenia is destructive to people afflicted with the illness, their family members are more likely to display brilliance in the arts and sciences. This seems true in my family as my brother is a renowned engineer and my sister a skilled Nurse Practitioner. Many of my relatives graduated from Ivy League schools and hold prestigious positions in society. Is it possible that my illness is linked to their success? According to this study this may be the case.

Several years ago, I made a video in an attempt to explain the complexities of my condition (Schizophrenia). When I made this video, I was starting to successfully control my illness. Even this, however, did not quell the anger that burned inside of me towards both the world and myself. I began to ask questions. Why was I chosen to carry this burden? What did I do to deserve this?

To people with Schizophrenia, the world is an enigma that needs to be solved. We are always asking questions. "What", "how" and "why" are the words that permeate in the back of our minds. Though everyone asks themselves questions, the questions and answers are usually based upon rationality and reason. For people with Schizophrenia, information becomes scrambled and the answers to such questions become what our subconscious desires us to believe.

In a state of psychosis, one can glimpse into alternate states of reality deep within the subconscious. It is here, within this realm, where one's deepest fears materialize into perceived physical existence. The myth of "disorganized thinking" becomes all too apparent under its spell. Inside, one can see the rationale behind the unthinkable and illogical. Delusions become neatly organized and aligned in such a way as to create a fictitious world filled with terror. Outside this universe, one is forced to become a judgmental spectator, unable to rationalize seemingly immoral and "disorganized" behavior.

I would like to express that the number of patients with Schizophrenia who become violent is less than widely perceived by the general public. Having said this, there are nevertheless a minority of schizophrenia patients who have an elevated probability of becoming violent when their illness is not under control. It is important to identify why this minority of people are at risk for such behavior, and give them the proper treatment and tools necessary to better themselves and prevent a potential catastrophe.

Recently, I had suffered a relapse into a deep depression that I had difficulty recovering from. Though the medicine kept the majority of psychosis at bay, I was nevertheless crippled and left in a state of disarray. A medication increase by my psychiatrist had only quelled my most severe symptoms of schizoaffective disorder. What was different about this episode however, is that it was partially instigated by a lack of sleep from an unknowingly broken CPAP machine.

Though I have read little concerning the connection between mental illness and sleep, I have always believed there to be a strong connection between the two. This idea stems from the personal experiences I have had with my sleep disorder, and how it seems to effect my mood and thinking.