I haven’t heard schizoaffective voices in over a year. I am so elated about this, especially since I’ve struggled with auditory hallucinations since my first and only psychotic episode in 1998 when I was 19. Being free of the voices is absolutely liberating.

My schizoaffective suicidal thoughts used to really scare me. I was frightened to the point that I went to the emergency room three times because of them and was even hospitalized once. I was afraid I was actually going to hurt myself. But slowly, over the years, I realized that, as scary as the thoughts were, I wasn’t going to die by suicide. The evidence is that I have had these thoughts for decades. And instead of hurting myself, I took care of myself and have built up coping skills for dealing with my schizoaffective suicidal thoughts. (Note: This post contains a trigger warning.)

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is the first major mood disorder I suffered from as a kid. However, I did develop early symptoms of bipolar disorder as a teen as well, and that later led to schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. Premenstrual dysphoric disorder is a very extreme form of what is commonly known as premenstrual syndrome (PMS). Untreated, I don’t have minor bouts of irritability or sadness during my period--I have full-on depression accompanied by suicidal thoughts. The way I treat my PMDD is with birth control pills.

My dad has a way with words. Decades ago, when I started hearing voices, he dubbed them the “Blue Meanies” after the bad guys in the animated Beatles movie Yellow Submarine. And he calls my negative self-talk the musings of “Bad News Betsy.”

Talking about hallucinations brought on by schizophrenia can be triggering to some. For others, it can be therapeutic to discuss their experience. Living with and managing hallucinations can be a process. What is a hallucination? A hallucination can be described as seeing, hearing, or feeling something that isn't there. There are visual hallucinations, auditory hallucinations, tactile, and other sensory hallucinations.

I’ve gone for a really long time without hearing schizoaffective voices. In fact, I’ve gone over four months without this disruptive schizoaffective symptom. I credit it to a psychiatric medication change.

I am a pacifist. I want to share with you how pacifism serves as a tool to help with my schizoaffective suicidal ideation. (Note: This post contains a trigger warning.)

I’ve been hearing voices for a long time--almost 23 years. So, I didn’t think anything I experienced during a schizoaffective voices episode would surprise me anymore. Well, I was wrong. The voices I heard a few days ago were very different from anything I previously experienced.

Even though Kurt Cobain died by suicide years before I started experiencing schizoaffective suicidal ideation, his death would have a big impact on my suicidal thoughts. (Note: This post contains a trigger warning.)

I’ve written a lot about my schizoaffective psychotic episode that occurred when I was 19 years old and away at college, but I’ve written very little, if anything at all, about the schizoaffective mania that preceded it.