My first blog

So I decided to try out this journaling online thing, because I prefer typing over writing but I'm afraid if I have my journal on my computer, someone might find it and read it. Might sound paranoid but it would be a majorly big deal if my fam found my journal since I talk about my ED and abuse and stuff- which they know next to nothing about. So I'm tryin this out and we'll see how it goes. If I randomly disappear, it means I got bored of it or something lol...

 Therapy today was so damn irritating, I can't even tell you. I almost didn't even go, I was tired and crabby (still am actually) and had no patience to deal with D. But I decided to go because I binged last night and I hate that i'm fallin back into that when it's been almost 2 weeks since I last binged (which is really good for me at this point) and I don't want to go back there...wow I'm writing a lot of run-ons in this blog, I hope nobody can actually read this. Then again if they can, who cares? Nobody knows who the hell "FallinApart" is in real life so WTF, why not just let it all out here so that my shitty feelings don't translate into bad coping skills in the real world.

I feel like I've screwed up so much of my life these past 2 years, but really it's M & B's faults too. They caused it in the first place, I have a right to put some of the blame on them. But I really have forgiven M and I'm close to forgiving B, I can sense it.  The flashbacks are gone lately, but I'm scared that's just because I'm keeping them away, and that if I let, more will come flooding back to me. Maybe that's why I can't just move on competely yet, maybe there's more I need to remember/work thru/ deal with. That scares the living shit out of me. Those flashbacks are hell, they leave me such a mess and they hurt so bad and I'm all alone with them. D tries to help, calls on his way home from work and stuff but it makes me feel so pathetic and weak to "need" him and besides it doesnt do much to lessen the pain.

I think maybe the reason I'm regressing a bit right now is because I've been doing well and I can sense the lasting changes in me and it all scares me so bad cuz what if I fall apart again and it all disappears? And what if Im not good enough and i dont use my newfound normalcy to the best of what it can be? etc etc...its my perfectionistic, all-or-nothing, black and white thinking coming to the surface even tho I try to fight it. I know it's self-destructive but somehow I continue to fall back to the patterns I've followed my whole life. It takes so much energy to break free of all that and sometimes I let myself get sucked back in.

So now I'm sabotoging my "recovery" because I'm so scared of failure. Great, that makes tons of sense. just wonderful. well guess what?? that's fucked up. that is so twisted. I'll automatically fail if I don't try, so WTF do I do to get that fact in my brain?! Blahhhh I'm losin all patience here...I just want to be magically better. Haven't I earned it by now?? All the pain and flashbacks and tears and loneliness and hurt and frustration and irritation and hell, hasn't that counted for anything? Forcing myself to keep going to therapy even when I want to give up, putting up with D's bullshit and going back to face him after humiliating myself during a meltdown? If that's not enough to get me back to normal then what is??

I'm sick of feeling so shitty all the time. Sometimes when I'm feeling good, I stop and just absorb the beauty of feeling good about being alive. Those times that I get excited about all the many things I have to do instead of freaking out and getting anxious about it....those moments make an entire day worth being awake and alive. But sometimes those moments don't come, either because I don't put in the effort to recognize them or because I am way too down to be able to access them.  That sucks, you know? It sucks that even on 100 mg of zoloft, I can still get down enough that i fantasize about taking all my sleeping pills and finally being dead. I know, that sounds so fucked up right?? Well it is, and I am. I know it. It's just so hard to change. It's so so hard to change, and I'm tired of fighting. By the time school starts up again in sep, I MUST be back to normal. So it's time for me to step it up and put in more effort to do the right thing, make healthy choices, and find ways to live in a balanced way. No biggie. After that I'll learn how to fly. yahh righttttttttttt :-/

BLAHHHHHHHHHHHH