Chapter 53 of the book Self-Help Stuff That Works

by Adam Khan:

A PLEASANT PERSONALITY is important for salespeople and shopkeepers, but what about the rest of us? Isn't competence enough? Doesn't technical skill count more than anything?

A team of researchers at Purdue University wanted to find out. They studied the careers of a group of engineering graduates to find out if personality played any part in the engineer's level of success. After testing and follow-up, the researchers discovered that those who had the greatest mastery of the technical material made only slightly more money than the engineers with the least technical capability. But those who tested high in personality factors earned about 15 percent more than those with the high technical ability and about 33 percent more than those who tested low in personality factors.

Engineering is a technical field. And even here, personality makes a big difference.

Of course, in truly perilous conditions, where lives depend on skill, personality doesn't matter much. Or does it? For Charles Houston and Robert Bates, the leaders of an expedition, the most important quality they sought was personality. The expedition in question was the fifth attempt to conquer K2, the second highest mountain in the world. They needed a team of eight experienced climbers. What did they look for? At the top of their list was "a good personality."

Houston and Bates had learned from previous expeditions that certain qualities of personality can prove essential to a group's survival. They knew from experience that if they were to succeed, each mountaineer on the team must "be able to keep his good nature and add to the humor of the party when bad weather, danger, or hardships strain the nerves." Even here, even in harsh survival conditions, the principle applies.

No matter what you do or where you are, your personality counts. When you try to get along better with others, when you exercise or eat better or get more sleep to improve your disposition, when you learn to handle stress or conflict or nervousness or depression a little better it makes a difference. On an engineering team or at the top of a mountain or at the water cooler down the hall, it makes a difference. Personality counts.

Increase your ability to get along with people and improve your disposition.

One of the most important things you can do to improve your ability to get along with people is to commit a few
Unnatural Acts

No matter what happens, you can determine your disposition by an act of will. Consider the fact that, no matter what the circumstances,
Maybe it's Good

next: R-e-s-p-e-c-t

The final chapter of the book Self-Help Stuff That Works

by Adam Khan:

YOU NOW HAVE in your possession over a hundred tested, proven principles. Apply them and they will work for you. But watch out for two sneaky, tricky factors that can spoil your progress: enthusiasm and greed.

Enthusiasm is a powerful force, and, like electricity or nuclear power, it is important to control that power carefully or it can fry you. Too much enthusiasm can cause overwhelm and burnout.

Greed isn't too far from enthusiasm. Remember the children's story of the goose that laid the golden eggs? Its lesson applies to this book. The owner of the goose didn't want to wait for the golden eggs to come out one at a time. He killed the goose to get all the eggs right away and he wound up with nothing. If you try to get all the value contained within these pages quickly, if you try to apply too many principles at once, you will reap very little constructive change. Most changes require concentration and it is a limitation of the human mind that it cannot concentrate on many things at once.

Choose a few, preferably only one principle, and concentrate on it. Make it your theme for a few days, a week, a month. At some point you will have gained a certain naturalness or automaticity with it - a mastery - and it will then be time to choose another principle to concentrate on.

Although this seems a slow way, it's the best way to reap the most benefits in the long run. I wish you well.

Concentrate on only one principle at a time.

Here are the instructions from the second chapter of Self-Help Stuff That Works, also about how to use the book for maximum benefit:
How to Use This Book

Do you feel that there is a better way to change and if you were more willing to put out money or effort you would really change? It's nonsense. Find out why:
Self-Help

next: Making Changes Stic

Chapter 4 of the book Self-Help Stuff That Works

by Adam Khan:

CHRIS PETERSON WAS TEACHING a class in abnormal psychology at Virginia Tech when he told his students to fill out an Attributional Style Questionnaire - a carefully designed test that determines a person's level of optimism and pessimism. The students also answered questions about their general health, including how often they went to a doctor.

Peterson followed the health of his students the following year and discovered that the pessimists had twice as many infectious diseases and made twice as many trips to the doctor as the optimists.

Later, Martin Seligman of the University of Pennsylvania and two of his colleagues, using interviews and blood tests, found that optimists have better immune activity than pessimists. Studies by other researchers show the same thing. Why? One big factor is that "Pessimistic individuals," as Seligman writes, "get depressed more easily and more often."

When a person is depressed, certain brain hormones become depleted, creating a chain of biochemical events that end up slowing down the activity of the immune system. For example, two key players in our immune systems are T cells and NK cells.

T CELLS recognize invaders (like viruses) and make more copies of themselves to kill off the invaders. Pessimists' T cells don't multiply as quickly as optimists', allowing invaders to get the upper hand.

NK CELLS circulate in the blood and kill whatever they come across that they identify as foreign (like cancer cells). Pessimists' NK cells can identify foreign entities, but they don't destroy them as well as the optimists' NK cells.

Optimists also look at information in more depth to find out what they can do about the risk factors. In a study by Lisa Aspinwall, PhD, at the University of Maryland, subjects read health-related information on cancer and other topics. She discovered that optimists spent more time than pessimists reading the severe risk material and they remembered more of it.

"These are people," says Aspinwall, "who aren't sitting around wishing things were different. They believe in a better outcome, and that whatever measures they take will help them to heal." In other words, instead of having their heads in the clouds, optimistic people look. They do more than look, they seek. They aren't afraid to look into the situation because they're optimistic. Thus, for yet another reason, optimists are likely to be healthier.

The best news is what research has shown repeatedly: Anyone can become more optimistic with effort. And every effort you make to keep an optimistic attitude will reward you with a stronger immune system. So you'll enjoy better health. And it is also true that the better your health, the easier it is to maintain an optimistic outlook.

Become more optimistic.Here's HOW to become more optimistic

If there is one thing that would make the world a better place, it is more optimism to counter self-defeating pessimism. If you'd like to share this page with a friend, it's easy. Copy the address and paste it into an email message.

Another kind of thinking also affects your health and your daily level of enjoyment. Check it out:
Here Comes the Judge

Here's another way to reduce pessimistic thoughts and at the same time increase your self-esteem:
Work is Good Therapy

next: A Wiser Adviser

Overview of meditation as a natural remedy for depression and whether meditation works in treating depression.

What is Meditation for Depression?

There are many types of meditation, but all involve focusing attention on something, such as a word, a phrase, an image, an idea or the act of breathing. Meditation would typically be practiced sitting in a quiet environment for around 20 minutes a day. For some people, meditation is a spiritual or religious activity and they use meaningful thoughts as the focus of their meditation. However, meditation can also be used as a relaxation method without any spiritual or religious goal.

How does Meditation for Depression work?

Meditation has been used as a relaxation method to relieve stress and anxiety. Because anxiety and depression often occur together, meditation may help with depression as well.

Is Meditation for Depression effective?

One study has been carried out comparing meditation with physical exercise and with group therapy. (Group therapy involves depressed people meeting to discuss their experiences with other depressed people and with a therapist.) This study found little difference between these treatments in effectiveness. Unfortunately, the study did not compare meditation either with no treatment or placebo (dummy) treatment.

Are there any disadvantages to Meditation for Depression?

Some health professionals do not recommend meditation for people with severe depression or for people who might be at risk for schizophrenia.

Where do you get Meditation for Depression?

Popular books on how to meditate are available in many bookshops. Various organizations, generally with spiritual goals, also offer training in meditation. Here is a simple technique of meditation that is similar to those taught in these books and courses:

• Sit in a quiet room in a comfortable position with eyes closed.
• Choose a word which is relaxing for you (for example, 'One' or 'Calm') and repeat it silently over and over in your mind. Do not force yourself to concentrate on the word.
• If your mind wanders, turn your attention back to the word.
• Do this for around 20 minutes each day.

Recommendation

The effects of meditation on depression have yet to be fully evaluated.

Key references

Klein MH, Greist JH, Gurman AS et al. A comparative outcome study of group psychotherapy vs. exercise treatments for depression. International Journal of Mental Health 1985; 13: 148-177.

back to: Alternative Treatments for Depression

Overview of massage therapy as an alternative treatment for depression and whether massage therapy works in treating depression.

What is Massage Therapy for Depression?

There are many different types of massage. Here we refer particularly to gentle manual rubbing of the body, particularly the back, preferably performed by a trained massage therapist. A session usually lasts about 30 minutes, and a course would usually consist of 5 or 6 sessions, over successive days or weeks.

How does Massage Therapy for Depression work?

Massage is thought to produce chemical and electrical activity changes in the brain and to lower the levels of stress hormones, resulting in a lowering of depressed mood.

Is Massage Therapy for Depression effective?

There have not been many studies looking at the effects of massage on people with depression, although several studies have found that massage improves mood in people with physical and anxiety disorders. Massage has been found to be effective in treating symptoms in a group of depressed children and adolescents. Depressed adolescent mothers have also shown improvement following massage. In another study, elderly volunteers with depressive symptoms both gave and received massages. Both groups reported improvement in their depressive symptoms, but those who gave the massage reported a bigger improvement.

Are there any disadvantages to Massage Therapy for Depression?

Although it is usually relaxing and pleasant, some people who have been sexually or physically abused or who are highly anxious may have an adverse reaction, especially in the hands of someone who is inexperienced.

Where do you get Massage Therapy for Depression?

Massage therapists are listed in the Yellow Pages and on the Internet.

Recommendation

Massage therapy looks promising as a treatment for depression, but requires further evaluation.

Key references

Field TM. Massage therapy effects. American Psychologist 1998; 53: 1270-81.

back to: Alternative Treatments for Depression

Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves

TIME AND ENERGY

Life is really no more than a certain limited amount of time and energy. We make choices - every second - about how we SPEND that time and energy. To Have A Better Life We Must Make Better Choices About How We Use Our Time And Energy.

WHERE WE GET OUR ENERGY

We GET our energy from taking care of our bodies "well enough." For the purposes of this topic, we will be assuming that you are physically healthy and that you take good enough care of your body so that you have PLENTY of energy.   (See "Guidelines for Emotional Health," another topic in this series, if you need to learn about physical needs.)

LOVE AND ATTENTION - OUR NATURAL PRIORITY

Once we have plenty of physical energy, our next natural priority in life is to get enough love and attention. Love and attention are often referred to as "strokes."

TIME AND "STROKES"

We've all heard that risk is related to reward. If we don't risk in poker, or in our careers, or in sports, we know we can't possibly win. The same is true emotionally and socially. Here's how it works....

THE FIVE WAYS WE SPEND OUR TIME:

1. Withdrawing.

2. Working

3. Procedures

4. Psychological Games

5. Intimacy.

DEFINITIONS AND EXAMPLES:

Withdrawing is not interacting!

Example: "Staring off in space" at a party, with no awareness of the other people there. WORKING IS SIMPLY DOING things, with the only interaction being about the task at hand.

Example: Assembly line workers who don't socialize but do discuss who should grab the next item on the line.

A PROCEDURE is a totally predictable way of interacting with others. Examples: "How are you?" -- "Fine." "Did you see that game yesterday." -- "Yeah. Great, huh?"   PSYCHOLOGICAL GAMES are far less predictable and ostensibly "personal" ways of interacting.

Examples of Statements Which Can Signal the START of a "Game":

1. "Isn't this a lousy place to work?"

2. "You don't love me anymore...."

3. "Why do you always _______"

In all "games" the response will be rather strong agreement or disagreement, and will be taken personally.

Each person will feel that something important is at stake, but they will avoid feeling "connected" or intimate with each other - which is what they feared from the beginning as "too risky."

INTIMACY IS DIRECT AND INTENSE CONTACT between people.

Neither person thinks they know what's going to happen next, although they both deeply want it to be good and deeply fear that it will be bad. When attempts at intimacy go poorly, we feel horrible. When attempts at intimacy go well, we feel so good that the only thing we can say about it is something like: "WOW! That was GREAT!"

Examples Looking deeply into the other person's eyes as they look into yours.

Sharing your darkest secrets with a friend, and being totally accepted.

RISK VS. REWARD

It is, of course, impossible to put some number on a thing like "strokes" or even on this kind of risk. But please understand that the amount that you risk does determine the amount of your reward!

Have you every wondered why people play so many "psychological games"? Now you know. Most people are afraid of the risks of intimacy - but they still want and need "strokes."

As nasty as psychological games can be, and as unfulfilling as they usually are, people keep trying them because there IS a major payoff compared to everything except intimacy. And only the healthiest among us are willing to risk true intimacy.

TAKE RISKS TO GET MORE ATTENTION AND STROKES!

UNLESS YOU ALREADY FEEL OVERBURDENED WITH TOO MUCH ATTENTION:

• Decrease the amount of time you spend in withdrawal, work, and procedures,

• Avoid psychological games because they will backfire eventually,

• Increase the time you spend in true intimacy.

IF YOU EVER FEEL TOO AFRAID TO RISK MORE, ASK YOURSELF:

Is it your CURRENT, REAL world that's so risky?

Or is it that you are only too afraid because of PAST disappointments and rejections?

If it's the past that's bothering you so much, ask yourself: "Have I learned enough from the past to risk again?" (If not, get professional help to evaluate your past experiences.)

DON'T WASTE ANOTHER DAY WITHOUT THE ATTENTION AND AFFECTION YOU WANT!

next: Talking to Yourself

Overview of ginkgo biloba as a natural remedy for depression and whether ginkgo biloba works for treatment of depression.

What is Ginkgo Biloba?

Ginkgo biloba tablets are made from the leaves of the Maidenhair tree.

How does it work?

Ginkgo biloba is supposed to improve the supply of blood to the brain.

Is Ginkgo Biloba effective for Depression?

There has only been one scientific study looking to see if ginkgo biloba works for depression. This study found no effect.

Are there any disadvantages to Ginkgo Biloba?

None are known.

Where do you get Ginkgo Biloba?

Ginkgo biloba is available from health food shops and some supermarkets.

Recommendation

Ginkgo is unlikely to help depression.

Key references

Lingaerde O, Foreland AR, Magnusson A. Can winter depression be prevented by Ginkgo biloba extract? A placebo-controlled trial. Acta Psychiatrica Scandinavica 1999; 100: 62-66.

back to: Alternative Treatments for Depression

Fact sheet that defines some of the key terms used in the field of complementary and alternative medicine.

There are many terms used to describe approaches to health care that are outside the realm of conventional medicine as practiced in the United States. This fact sheet explains how the National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine (NCCAM), a component of the National Institutes of Health, defines some of the key terms used in the field of complementary and alternative medicine (CAM). Terms that are underlined in the text are defined at the end of this fact sheet.

What is NCCAM's role in the field of CAM?

NCCAM is the U.S. Federal Government's lead agency for scientific research on CAM. NCCAM's mission is to explore complementary and alternative healing practices in the context of rigorous science, train CAM researchers, and disseminate authoritative information to the public and professionals.

What is CAM?

CAM is a group of diverse medical and health care systems, practices, and products that are not presently considered to be part of conventional medicine. Conventional medicine is medicine as practiced by holders of M.D. (medical doctor) or D.O. (doctor of osteopathy) degrees and by their allied health professionals, such as physical therapists, psychologists, and registered nurses. Some health care providers practice both CAM and conventional medicine. While some scientific evidence exists regarding some CAM therapies, for most there are key questions that are yet to be answered through well-designed scientific studies--questions such as whether these therapies are safe and whether they work for the diseases or medical conditions for which they are used.

The list of what is considered to be CAM changes continually, as those therapies that are proven to be safe and effective become adopted into conventional health care and as new approaches to health care emerge.

Are complementary medicine and alternative medicine different from each other?

Yes, they are different.

Complementary medicine is used together with conventional medicine. An example of a complementary therapy is using aromatherapy to help lessen a patient's discomfort following surgery.

Alternative medicine is used in place of conventional medicine. An example of an alternative therapy is using a special diet to treat cancer instead of undergoing surgery, radiation, or chemotherapy that has been recommended by a conventional doctor.

What is integrative medicine?

Integrative medicine combines treatments from conventional medicine and CAM for which there is some high-quality evidence of safety and effectiveness. It is also called integrated medicine.

What are the major types of complementary and alternative medicine?

The National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine (NCCAM) groups CAM practices into four domains, recognizing there can be some overlap. In addition, NCCAM studies CAM whole medical systems, which cut across all domains.

Whole Medical Systems

Whole medical systems are built upon complete systems of theory and practice. Often, these systems have evolved apart from and earlier than the conventional medical approach used in the United States. Examples of whole medical systems that have developed in Western cultures include homeopathic medicine and naturopathic medicine. Examples of systems that have developed in non-Western cultures include traditional traditional Chinese medicine and Ayurveda.

Mind-Body Medicine

Mind-body medicine uses a variety of techniques designed to enhance the mind's capacity to affect bodily function and symptoms. Some techniques that were considered CAM in the past have become mainstream (for example, patient support groups and cognitive-behavioral therapy). Other mind-body techniques are still considered CAM, including meditation, prayer, mental healing, and therapies that use creative outlets such as art, music, or dance.

Biologically Based Practices

Biologically based practices in CAM use substances found in nature, such as herbs, foods, and vitamins. Some examples include dietary supplements, herbal products, and the use of other so-called natural but as yet scientifically unproven therapies (for example, using shark cartilage to treat cancer).

Manipulative and Body-Based Practices

Manipulative and body-based practices in CAM are based on manipulation and/or movement of one or more parts of the body. Some examples include chiropractic or osteopathic manipulation, and massage.

Energy Medicine

Energy therapies involve the use of energy fields. They are of two types:

• Biofield therapies are intended to affect energy fields that purportedly surround and penetrate the human body. The existence of such fields has not yet been scientifically proven. Some forms of energy therapy manipulate biofields by applying pressure and/or manipulating the body by placing the hands in, or through, these fields. Examples include qi gong, Reiki, and Therapeutic Touch.
• Bioelectromagnetic-based therapies involve the unconventional use of electromagnetic fields, such as pulsed fields, magnetic fields, or alternating-current or direct-current fields.

Definitions

Acupuncture ("AK-yoo-pungk-cher") is a method of healing developed in China at least 2,000 years ago. Today, acupuncture describes a family of procedures involving stimulation of anatomical points on the body by a variety of techniques. American practices of acupuncture incorporate medical traditions from China, Japan, Korea, and other countries. The acupuncture technique that has been most studied scientifically involves penetrating the skin with thin, solid, metallic needles that are manipulated by the hands or by electrical stimulation.

Aromatherapy ("ah-roam-uh-THER-ah-py") involves the use of essential oils (extracts or essences) from flowers, herbs, and trees to promote health and well-being.

Ayurveda ("ah-yur-VAY-dah") is a CAM whole medical system that has been practiced primarily in the Indian subcontinent for 5,000 years. Ayurveda includes diet and herbal remedies and emphasizes the use of body, mind, and spirit in disease prevention and treatment.

Chiropractic ("kie-roh-PRAC-tic") is a CAM whole medical system. It focuses on the relationship between bodily structure (primarily that of the spine) and function, and how that relationship affects the preservation and restoration of health. Chiropractors use manipulative therapy as an integral treatment tool.

Dietary supplements. Congress defined the term "dietary supplement" in the Dietary Supplement Health and Education Act (DSHEA) of 1994. A dietary supplement is a product (other than tobacco) taken by mouth that contains a "dietary ingredient" intended to supplement the diet. Dietary ingredients may include vitamins, minerals, herbs or other botanicals, amino acids, and substances such as enzymes, organ tissues, and metabolites. Dietary supplements come in many forms, including extracts, concentrates, tablets, capsules, gel caps, liquids, and powders. They have special requirements for labeling. Under DSHEA, dietary supplements are considered foods, not drugs.

Electromagnetic fields (EMFs, also called electric and magnetic fields) are invisible lines of force that surround all electrical devices. The Earth also produces EMFs; electric fields are produced when there is thunderstorm activity, and magnetic fields are believed to be produced by electric currents flowing at the Earth's core.

Homeopathic ("home-ee-oh-PATH-ic") medicine is a CAM whole medical system. In homeopathic medicine, there is a belief that "like cures like," meaning that small, highly diluted quantities of medicinal substances are given to cure symptoms, when the same substances given at higher or more concentrated doses would actually cause those symptoms.

Massage("muh-SAHJ") therapists manipulate muscle and connective tissue to enhance function of those tissues and promote relaxation and well-being.

Naturopathic ("nay-chur-o-PATH-ic") medicine, or naturopathy, is a CAM whole medical system. Naturopathic medicine proposes that there is a healing power in the body that establishes, maintains, and restores health. Practitioners work with the patient with a goal of supporting this power, through treatments such as nutrition and lifestyle counseling, dietary supplements, medicinal plants, exercise, homeopathy, and treatments from traditional Chinese medicine.

Osteopathic ("ahs-tee-oh-PATH-ic") medicine is a form of conventional medicine that, in part, emphasizes diseases arising in the musculoskeletal system. There is an underlying belief that all of the body's systems work together, and disturbances in one system may affect function elsewhere in the body. Some osteopathic physicians practice osteopathic manipulation, a full-body system of hands-on techniques to alleviate pain, restore function, and promote health and well-being.

Qi gong ("chee-GUNG") is a component of traditional Chinese medicine that combines movement, meditation, and regulation of breathing to enhance the flow of qi (an ancient term given to what is believed to be vital energy) in the body, improve blood circulation, and enhance immune function.

Reiki ("RAY-kee") is a Japanese word representing Universal Life Energy. Reiki is based on the belief that when spiritual energy is channeled through a Reiki practitioner, the patient's spirit is healed, which in turn heals the physical body.

Therapeutic Touch is derived from an ancient technique called laying-on of hands. It is based on the premise that it is the healing force of the therapist that affects the patient's recovery; healing is promoted when the body's energies are in balance; and, by passing their hands over the patient, healers can identify energy imbalances.

Traditional Chinese medicine (TCM) is the current name for an ancient system of health care from China. TCM is based on a concept of balanced qi (pronounced "chee"), or vital energy, that is believed to flow throughout the body. Qi is proposed to regulate a person's spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical balance and to be influenced by the opposing forces of yin (negative energy) and yang (positive energy). Disease is proposed to result from the flow of qi being disrupted and yin and yang becoming imbalanced. Among the components of TCM are herbal and nutritional therapy, restorative physical exercises, meditation, acupuncture, and remedial massage.

Source: National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine (NIH). Updated Feb. 2007.

next: What are Alternative Approaches to Mental Health Care

Chapter 90 of the book Self-Help Stuff That Works

by Adam Khan:

OUR MOODS HAVE A significant impact on our health and our ability to make sound decisions. When something consistently alters your mood for the worse, it's bad for you. And whatever puts you in a bad mood is bad for your spouse and kids too, because your moods are contagious.

The bad moods of many people are often caused by one of their relatives - Mom, Dad, a brother or sister, an in-law. The trouble is, we tend to put up with lousy behavior from a relative - behavior we would never tolerate in our spouse or children or in our friends. We don't speak up. We feel that we have to put up with it because they are "family." But we don't.

There is no law that says you have to stay on good terms with a person just because he's a relative. You don't. And trying to stay on good terms might bring you down and, by contagion, put your spouse and children in a bad mood often enough to affect their health and their ability to get along with others.

It's only a matter of luck whether your relatives can also be your friends. If you didn't get lucky, don't worry about it. You have your spouse and kids to take care of. And there are plenty of people other than your relatives you can have for friends - people who will treat you well.

Should you write off a relative who brings you down? No. There's a better way. Simply follow these two rules:

1. Be honest
2. Don't judge

These two will help you clean up a relationship. Those who bring you down will tend to gradually remove themselves voluntarily from your life.

The truth is, when someone is bringing us down regularly, we are collaborating in the process by withholding honest statements. For example: "Would you please call me later? I'm busy right now." We don't say stuff like that because we're trying to be polite. We don't want to be rude. But whatever the reason we have for withholding honest communication, hiding the truth only digs us deeper and deeper into the mess.

The way out is with straightforward information, such as the following: "I don't really feel we should talk about him behind his back." "That question kind of makes me uncomfortable." "I don't want you to visit." "I think you drink too much and I don't want my kids to be around it." Simple, honest communication is all you need.

Some honest statements may seem unnecessarily harsh. But those are the kind of things you need to say sometimes if you want to protect your psychological and physical health and that of your spouse and kids. The problem is we sometimes don't have enough courage to say those things until we are really mad. They seem so harsh, you'd think you'd have to be angry to say them. But you don't. You don't even have to think the person is wrong. In fact, that's the other half it: Restrain yourself from judging the person. If you judge your relative and make him wrong, you hurt him and yourself, and that's unnecessary. You can speak honestly without judgment. It may take some practice, but you can do it. Concentrate on it. Memorize those two rules. Chant them to yourself when you're visiting with the person or talking to them over the phone. Be honest gently, without judgment.

So the way to deal with a relative who puts you in a bad mood is to let him be the way he is while also taking care of yourself by being honest. Remind yourself that if you had similar upbringing and genetics, you might very well be like him, so there's no justification for writing him off as a bad person. You don't know how he came to be that way and you don't know his motives. All you really know is he brings you down.

Concern yourself with being honest - without judgment - and the honesty will take care of your situation for you. Your relative will either respond to your honesty well and your relationship will improve, or he won't like your honesty - he won't want to be around you - and he will voluntarily phase you out of his life. Either way, you're better off. It may be a little rough for awhile, but you and your spouse and your children will come out on the other side healthier and happier.

Learn more about the fine art of preventing yourself from passing judgment on people:

Here Comes the Judge

If you have someone in your life who brings you down
or makes trouble for you regularly, and you've already
tried being honest with them and it didn't work, read this:
The Bad Apples

next: Very Impressive

Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves

In old movies, if you wanted to show that someone was really "crazy" you'd show them talking to themselves. Even if they were only doing it mentally, in their own heads, it was supposed to be a sure sign of mental illness. What's really bizarre about this is that the act of talking to ourselves is actually a sign that we are self-aware and that we seek insight into our own actions. It's really a hallmark of being human and proof that we are a higher species.

WE ALL DO IT

We all have mental conversations with ourselves. Self-talk is so constant that meditation groups, relaxation tapes, and self-help books focus on just trying to get us to be able to stop all the self-talk for a few seconds of deep relaxation.

But in a sense, we CAN measure our degree of psychological pain by checking out our self-talk. It's not whether we do it, it's WHAT we say to ourselves that matters!

WHAT DO WE SAY TO OURSELVES?

It would be wonderful if we only said well-thought-out, self-protective, self-loving things to ourselves. It would be wonderful, but it's just not true for most of us most of the time a lot of self-talk is critical.

It's as if our private mental world is occupied by a watchdog who is always anxious to point out our flaws. To a degree, this is self-protective. It "resets our automatic pilot" when it is veering too far off course. But one of the quickest and best ways to improve our lives is through changing negative self-talk.

How do we go about it?

HOW TO CHANGE YOUR SELF-TALK

1. Become Aware Of It.
2. Label Its Source.
3. Change It.
4. Notice How Different You Feel.
5. Decide Whether To Change It Further.
6. Don't Think You Are Finished.

BECOMING AWARE OF YOUR SELF-TALK

Journaling seems to be the most popular technique for becoming aware of your self-talk at the moment.

But whether you use a real journal or just try to notice what you say to yourself without a journal,

LOOK FOR DISAGREEMENTS WITHIN YOURSELF!

Sometimes these disagreements will be almost "auditory." One side will say something and the other side will say "That's not true," etc. But ANY self-talk that makes you feel bad contains a "disagreement." (The disagreement is between the self-talk and the part of us that doesn't want to feel bad!).

LABELING ITS SOURCE

All self-talk that makes you feel bad originally came from someone else! Learn to identify WHO SAID THIS ABOUT YOU in your past. And mentally "label" the negative self-talk with the name of the person you got it from.

IMPORTANT HINT:

Since parents have so much influence in our lives, much self-talk (both positive and negative) comes from them. It will help you a lot to use your parent's first name - "Herman" or "Brenda" or whatever - instead of using "Dad" or "Mom" when you label these internal messages. (This will remind you that they were only "people" who were capable of making mistakes, not "gods" who could never be wrong.)

CHANGING IT

Simply change the thing you say to yourself into something that you'd like to believe that makes you feel better.

NOTICING HOW DIFFERENT YOU FEEL

Try the new self-talk for a short time (anything from a few hours to a couple days or so). See how it feels, and learn how much of the new, kinder statement you actually believe.

DECIDING WHETHER TO CHANGE IT FURTHER

Make a NEW DECISION about what you will say to yourself about this in the future.

Make it self-caring, self-protective, and something you honestly believe to be true.

KNOWING YOU ARE NOT FINISHED!

You will be growing and changing all of your life. Updating your self-talk will always be necessary.

Even when you finally finish making new decisions about the really negative stuff there will still be the need to update self-talk based on the changes that life brings your way.

BECOME YOUR OWN THERAPIST

Good therapy also aims at well-thought-out, self-loving, and self-protective new decisions. When you follow the steps in this topic you are essentially becoming your own therapist. Do as much as you can on your own, but give your therapist a call if you run into painful things you can't change on your own.

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