I Am Curious About My Knowledge of Mental Health

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 16). I Am Curious About My Knowledge of Mental Health, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, October 4 from https://www.healthyplace.com/self-help/inter-dependence/i-am-curious-about-my-knowledge-of-mental-health

Last Updated: March 29, 2016

ADHD Diet

Some people believe ADHD and other psychiatric disorders are linked to diet and by eliminating certain foods or adding others, it may reduce or eliminate ADHD, depression or other symptoms.

Some people believe ADHD and other psychiatric disorders are linked to diet and by eliminating certain foods or adding others, it may reduce or eliminate ADHD, depression or other symptoms.

ED. NOTE: You should never stop, add, or change any medication or any treatment without first talking with your child's doctor.

The day my daughter refused to eat even her favorite food—peanut butter and honey on toast—was the day I lost it. Bursting into tears, I pulled open the medicine cabinet and swept all three of the medications she was taking into the trash.

Linnea, then seven, had spent the previous year on three different powerful psychotropic drugs, one after the other, as we waged a desperate battle to control her stuttering and the facial tics that went with it. Not only did the medications (a tranquilizer, a blood pressure drug prescribed off-label, and an antidepressant) leave her tics as rampant as ever, they caused a host of side effects including depression, lethargy, and an almost complete loss of appetite.

Always a skinny girl, Linnea had become thinner and thinner, at one point dropping below 50 pounds. And I had become a drill sergeant, standing over her while she tried to eat, alternately commanding and cajoling as I measured the circumference of her tiny arms with my eyes. Instead of the medications controlling her tics, it seemed that her tics were controlling us.

So into the wastebasket went the bottles of clonazepam and clonidine and desipramine, and off I went into full research mode. There must be something out there, I thought, that can help my daughter without wreaking such havoc on her young body.

Searching for Nutritional Therapies

Here is a truth about the parents of a child with a disability: We are relentless. Nothing fuels determination like listening to your child cry herself to sleep at night, or hearing her ask, yet again, if she'll ever be able to talk like other kids. Doctors and schools characterize us as demanding and difficult—yep, it's true. We will do anything—anything—to help our suffering children lead a normal, happy life. And yes, this dedication makes us easy targets for all the hucksters and charlatans out there touting the latest miracle in a bottle. But it also makes us powerful advocates, unshakable in our pursuit of the breakthrough that might make all the difference to the child we love.


 


It had been a long road up to this point. Linnea first started stuttering when she was just three, and the problem has become progressively more severe, characterized by what are called complete blocks—when her throat closes up and she gets trapped in a tense, tight-throated silence. As she struggles to get her words out, she goes into a multitude of tics—grimacing, blinking, throwing her head to one side. It is disconcerting and disturbing; even those who love Linnea dearly sometimes have to avert their eyes when she is trying hard to talk.

Some people believe ADHD and other psychiatric disorders are linked to diet and by eliminating certain foods or adding others, it may reduce or eliminate ADHD, depression or other symptoms.Shortly after the peanut butter incident, I sat down at my computer, cruised some email newsgroups, and discovered a vast and hugely knowledgeable resource: my fellow parents of kids with behavioral disabilities. I quickly learned from these dedicated people that there are nondrug treatments that can make a real difference for children with disorders like Linnea's. It was a vast relief to hear from parents who'd watched their kids fail in school, fail to make friends, even suffer from violent outbursts, and then find some measure of peace.

A number of the most helpful strategies focus on dietary changes and nutritional therapy. Many alternative-minded experts in the field of brain-related disorders believe nutrition offers a promising avenue of treatment that's all too often been overlooked.

"The more we learn about the brain, the more we understand how nutrition and supplements can affect its functioning, including moods, attention, and cognition," says Lewis Mehl-Madrona, a psychiatrist at the University of Arizona in Tucson. What a child eats, he says, can profoundly affect the way her brain works. And this is true not just in the case of stuttering and tics, but for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), obsessive-compulsive disorder, autism and its related disorders, and many other behavioral and learning problems.

"All of these conditions are caused by a deficiency in neurotransmitters," says Billie Sahley, a behavioral therapist who directs the Pain and Stress Center in San Antonio, Texas. "That's what it all boils down to."

In the case of autism spectrum disorders and ADHD, many parents report great success with a gluten-free, casein-free (GFCF) diet that cuts out milk and wheat. Another common starting point for hyperactive kids is the Feingold diet, which bans artificial flavors, colors, and some preservatives.

Though therapies like these are largely under the radar of conventional medicine—neither my daughter's pediatrician nor her neurologist ever mentioned them—many have been shown, in well-documented research, to be quite effective. At least two wide-ranging reviews of existing research, one conducted by the Center for Science in the Public Interest and the other published in the Journal of Paediatric Child Health, have found that diet and nutritional therapy can noticeably affect some children's behavior. More specifically, a study of 20 children with ADHD published in the Alternative Medicine Review found a regimen of supplements to be as effective as Ritalin. And research among a group of 26 kids (also with ADHD) at Cornell Medical Center in New York found that three quarters responded well to a diet that eliminated several problem foods.

The connection between allergies and behavioral disorders can be confusing to parents; how could a sensitivity to dairy products cause a child to be hyper, spacey, or subject to tics? But the chemical released when we have an allergic reaction acts like a neurotransmitter, says Mary Ann Block, author of No More ADHD and an osteopathic doctor practicing in Dallas. "One neurotransmitter out of balance sets off a chain reaction that can cause all sorts of changes in behavior."

In addition to allergic reactions and sensitivities, many kids with ADHD, autism, Tourette's syndrome, and other disorders have been found to suffer from dramatic deficiencies in certain nutrients, including magnesium, omega-3 fatty acids, and B vitamins. Studies often document the deficiencies without looking at the treatment, but researchers have recently begun following up to see if replacing these missing nutrients can correct behavior problems. In one recent study of 400 ADHD children, for instance, zinc supplements beat placebos in treating certain aspects of the disorder, including hyperactivity and impulsivity.


Trial and Error with Dietary Treatments

But here's the tricky thing: What works for one child will not necessarily work for another. Since behavioral disabilities—and the brain chemistry imbalances that cause them—are so complex, parents who opt for dietary treatments must be prepared for a long, frustrating process of trial and error. "For some kids, all you have to do is shift one element of their diet. For others, you might have to do several things," says Mehl-Madrona. The payoff can be huge, though; instead of a child who may have to take medication for years to control symptoms, many parents wind up with something closer to a cure.

Kathy Langer of Illinois has spent the past ten years pursuing alternative treatments for her son DJ, now 23, who suffers from ADHD and pervasive developmental disorder, an autism-related condition, as well as depression. At 12, DJ was taking a mind-boggling assortment of medications, from lithium and Prozac to Mellaril and clonidine. "But we weren't seeing any improvement, and the side effects were horrible," says Langer.

Then one day she saw Doris Rapp, a Scottsdale, Arizona, allergist, pediatrician, and pioneer of the dietary approach, on the Donahue show, and heard testimonials from parents who swore her allergy-elimination techniques worked miracles for their kids. Right away, Langer consulted Rapp's colleague Billie Sahley, who tested DJ and diagnosed him with a severe allergy to dairy products and an amino acid deficiency.

Within months of starting a dairy-free, sugar-free diet and a regimen of amino acids and other supplements, DJ went off medication for the first time in years. "It's easy to get discouraged because it takes a while to see an improvement," says Langer, "and yes, it's a lot of work. But before, you couldn't reason with DJ. Now, even when he's upset, you can still talk to him. It's made all the difference in the world."


 


Zeroing In on Diet

For many parents, the thorniest question is where to begin. The answer is, not surprisingly, that depends. If you have any reason at all to think your child has food allergies—if, for example, he had to drink soy formula as a baby or had recurrent ear infections as a preschooler—then that's the logical place to start, say Mehl-Madrona and other experts.

If you already suspect a particular allergen, you can try to diagnose it yourself with the "single food elimination" method. Let's say you suspect milk may be the problem. Make sure your child eats no dairy products for four to seven days, watching him carefully to see if his symptoms improve. Then, on the final day, when your child has not eaten for at least three or four hours, give him nothing but the potential allergen (milk and cheese, for example). If his symptoms promptly return, you've caught your suspect red-handed.

Sometimes the problem isn't so much with foods as with additives, which the Feingold diet eliminates. Melanie Dunstan of Avon Lake, Ohio, has kept her eight-year-old son, Alex, who has ADHD, on the Feingold program for the past three years. "Imagine someone with their head whipping around, jumping and bouncing up and down, and not being able to concentrate on anything," Dunstan says. "Well, that was Alex." Realizing just after Alex's fifth birthday that he simply was not going to be able to handle kindergarten, Dunstan began experimenting with the Feingold diet.

"We noticed an improvement after just one week," Dunstan says; Alex almost immediately began to calm down and sit still. A month later, still concerned about her son's inability to concentrate, Dunstan began eliminating corn syrup from his diet—and the transformation was complete. "He can actually sit next to someone else and not reach out and touch that person," says Dunstan, laughing. "His teacher is a complete believer."

Finding Answers

My own search really began to pay off at a website for parents of children with Tourette's syndrome and tic disorders. There I heard about a fellow parent, Bonnie Grimaldi, who had developed a vitamin regimen specifically for kids with Tourette's and similar disorders. Grimaldi, an Ohio medical technologist who works in a genetics lab, had spent years combing the journals for references to Tourette's in an effort to help her son, Jason, then 13. "Jason was failing in school because he had to be removed from class so often," says Grimaldi. Reading that some parents were having good luck with B-complex vitamins, calcium, and magnesium, Grimaldi started her son on supplements from the local health food store. The results were almost instantaneous.

"Within two days he wasn't disruptive anymore," Grimaldi says. "His teachers were thrilled." Then, Grimaldi says, she "worked backwards," reading through the literature to try to figure out why certain vitamins and minerals would make such a difference. Grimaldi recently published a paper in the journal Medical Hypotheses about her theory that magnesium deficiency plays a central role in Tourette's syndrome and a host of related disorders, and she's hoping to prompt a clinical trial of the idea. (She's since gone on to create and market her own formulas, called ts-PLUS.) She recently conducted a survey among those who bought her supplements and found that an impressive three quarters of those who responded said the products were the most effective Tourette's treatment they'd tried.

The diligence of parents like Grimaldi comes as no surprise to Doris Rapp, who says there's simply no substitute for parental watchfulness. "Mothers are the best detectives in the world," she says. "They can figure out answers that nobody else can see."

I'm hoping she's right. Grimaldi's testimony was enough to send me to the health food store for magnesium and B vitamins, along with omega-3 fatty acids and the amino acid taurine, which is being studied for its ability to relieve tremors and tics. We've also started eating fish regularly (low-mercury types) and cutting out juice drinks that come in suspicious colors.

And my daughter has seen almost immediate results. Although it is definitely a challenge for an eight-year-old to swallow so many pills, she takes them herself without prompting (carefully surrounding each capsule with a spoonful of fruit sorbet) because, she says, "When I take them, I can feel my throat relax." During a recent trip when it was too difficult to keep up the regimen of supplements, Linnea's stuttering got worse, and she was only too happy to start taking the pills again.


I'd love to be able to say we've found a miracle cure, but we haven't; Linnea still wages the battle against her stuttering and tics each and every day. But when it comes to something as crucial as a child's ability to make herself heard, even incremental improvements are welcomed with open arms. Like the other concerned parents who have encouraged me with information, suggestions, and support, I'll keep trying to ease my daughter's passage through life. Ask any parent of a child in need—we'll do whatever it takes.

But How Do You Get a Kid to Eat This Way?

Go ahead, try it: Walk through your local supermarket aisles looking for lunch box options that contain no wheat, dairy, or artificial flavors or colors. I guarantee you'll panic. How in the world do parents manage? Ask them and you'll get a surprising response: It's not as hard as it might seem. Here are some tips from veterans.

Find friendly substitutes.

These days, the abundance of new natural food products gives parents more options: Rice milk, for instance, is a fairly painless substitute for cow's milk; soy cheese can replace cheddar; many wheatless breads are available. It's easy to find lunch meats and hot dogs free of preservatives and colorings. And new sugar substitutes like xylitol and stevia make it less painful to turn away from conventional sweets.

Introduce them slowly.

Don't try to overhaul your child's whole diet at once or he'll rebel. Plus, you'll never know which foods are the culprits. Instead, eliminate one food at a time. Try going without dairy or wheat for a few weeks and watch for results.

Tell everyone what's off-limits.

Parents need to alert the major players in their kids' lives about dietary no-nos. For many children, even one exposure to a forbidden food—a glass of artificially colored Kool-Aid at soccer practice, say—can trigger a major setback. "You have to make sure that friends, relatives, and teachers understand what you're doing," says Cheri Boyd of San Antonio, Texas, whose son Dave has ADHD and has been off sugar for two years.


 


Time indulgences carefully.

If there's a food your child loves but has trouble with, let him have it once in a while on weekends or late in the day when he can act out. Melanie Dunstan of Avon Lake, Ohio's son Alex, who has ADHD, is allergic to bananas. So she lets him have them only on Friday afternoons. "The effects wear off, and he's fine by the time he's ready to go to school on Monday," she says.

For more tips, as well as recipes, check out these resources:

- health.groups.yahoo.com/group/ADHD_DrugFree, an email newsgroup for parents.

- Specialized cookbooks, including The Gluten-Free Gourmet and The Uncheese Cookbook.

- Living Without, a magazine for people with allergies and food sensitivities that features new recipes monthly. Contact www.livingwithout.com.

The Game Plan

Because behavioral disorders are so idiosyncratic, parents can find themselves in a bewildering maze of potential treatments. Here's a guide to the basics of building a dietary strategy.

- Check for food allergies and sensitivities. You can consult an allergist for testing or, if you suspect a certain dietary culprit (sugar is a common one), try eliminating it from your child's diet for several days.

- Check into the Feingold diet. This approach zeroes in on additives and other ingredients that don't necessarily show up on allergy tests. Check out www.Feingold.org, which offers a free email newsletter. Membership in the organization brings other benefits, including guidance on how to follow the diet.

- Consult your fellow parents. There are newsletters, associations, email lists, and support groups for parents of children with every neurological disorder. Ask lots of questions, and find out what's worked for others. For ADHD, try health.groups.yahoo.com/group/ADHD_DrugFree, an email newsgroup, or www.chadd.org; for Tourette's, check out www.tourette-syndrome.com or www.tsa-usa.org; for stuttering, go to www.nsastutter.org or www.friendswhostutter.org. Your local hospital or medical center may also offer support groups.

- Find an alternative practitioner well-versed in nutritional therapies. He or she will likely start by testing your child for nutritional deficiencies, then draw up and supervise a plan for addressing them, usually with a mix of dietary changes and supplements. One good way to find such a person is via an online support group for parents of kids with your child's disability.

Secrets to Success With Supplements

Any parent who's tried to get a kid to swallow a full-size tablet knows it just can't be done. Nor is it a great idea, as I found out, to cut open fish oil capsules and mix the contents with Jell-0. But there are some supplement brands that experts and parents recommend for kids with ADHD, Tourette's, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and other behavioral problems. They're available at health food stores and online.

- Coromega: an omega-3 supplement that comes in pouches of
orange-flavored pudding.

- Attend: contains essential fatty acids, zinc, magnesium, and amino acids, among other ingredients.

- Yummy Greens: an herbal supplement combining organic wheat and barley grass, alfalfa, chlorella, spirulina, and kelp. (Avoid this if your child is allergic to wheat or gluten.)

- ts-PLUS CONTROL: formulated to control tics and compulsions with magnesium, B vitamins, grape seed extract, and other ingredients.

- ts-PLUS Mag-Taurate: contains powdered magnesium taurate.

- BrainLink: an amino acid supplement complex featuring GABA, glycine, and glutamine.

Source: Alternative Medicine

next: Food, Diet and ADHD

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 16). ADHD Diet, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, October 4 from https://www.healthyplace.com/alternative-mental-health/adhd/adhd-diet

Last Updated: July 11, 2016

How to Make People Like You For Five Cents

WHEN YOU NOTICE and appreciate good things about other people, it improves your mood and the moods of the people around you, whether you're at home or at work. You get to live in a more pleasant environment.

You know that already. But it's hard to remember, isn't it? That's where the five pennies come in.

At the beginning of your day, or even right now, put five pennies in your left pocket. Now try to find something nice to say about someone (something you actually think is true), either to their face or behind their back, and every time you do, move one penny to your right pocket. Try to move all five today.

Learn more about this in

Unnatural Acts

Dale Carnegie, who wrote the famous book
How to Win Friends and Influence People
,
left a chapter out of his book. Find out what he meant to say but didn't about people you cannot win over:
The Bad Apples

An extremely important thing to keep in mind is that judging people will harm you. Learn here how to prevent yourself from making this all-too-human mistake:
Here Comes the Judge

The art of controlling the meanings you're making is an important skill to master. It will literally determine the quality of your life. Read more about it in:
Master the Art of Making Meaning

Here's a profound and life-changing way to gain the respect and the trust of others:
As Good As Gold

What if you already knew you ought to change and in what way? And what if that insight has made no difference so far? Here's how to make your insights make a difference:
From Hope to Change


 


next: How to Persist Without Willpower

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 16). How to Make People Like You For Five Cents, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, October 4 from https://www.healthyplace.com/self-help/self-help-stuff-that-works/how-to-make-people-like-you-for-five-cents

Last Updated: March 31, 2016

Fighting Spirit

Chapter 24 of the book Self-Help Stuff That Works

by Adam Khan:

MARTIN SELIGMAN, PHD, and his research team tested the swim team of the University of California at Berkeley to find out who were optimists and who were pessimists. Then they created a setback for the team members: The coach told each swimmer his time after he finished a heat, but the coach didn't give the swimmer an accurate time he gave a time much slower than the swimmer's real time.

How did the swimmers respond do this setback? Seligman says, "The optimists responded by swimming their next heat faster; the pessimists went slower on their next heat."

Optimists fight back when they hit a setback. They are resilient in the face of the rejections and disappointments we all face at one time or another in our lives. Optimists pick themselves up quickly and go on. They bounce back.

Pessimists succumb. They give up. They get depressed. They throw in the towel and let life run them over. And the only thing that separates optimists from pessimists is the way they think called their "explanatory style." When optimists have setbacks:

  1. They assume the problem or its consequences won't last very long.
  2. They don't indulge in self-blame. Instead they look to see if there's anything they could do to prevent the same thing from happening in the future.
  3. They don't jump to the conclusion that this setback will ruin everything. An optimist will try to see how much of their lives the setback won't affect.

YOU CAN BECOME more optimistic by practicing these three ways of thinking about setbacks, and every inch you move toward optimism means another inch of resiliency. It means you'll bounce back sooner from the inevitable setbacks of life. It means you'll have greater personal strength and persistence. It means more of your life will go the way you want it to go.

Look at those three optimistic ways of thinking. Find the one you're weakest in and work on it. Practice on the little setbacks you experience the small disappointments, frustrations, annoyances, interruptions in your everyday experience. Learn to think the optimistic way. Practice until that way of thinking is habitual.


 


When it seems like life is trying to beat you down, fight back with optimistic thoughts.

When you hit a setback in life:

Assume the problem or its consequences won't last long, see how you can prevent the same problem in the future, and don't jump tothe conclusion that this setback will ruin everything.

In some cases, a feeling of certainty can help. But there are many more circumstances where it is better to feel uncertain. Strange but true.
Blind Spots

If worry is a problem for you, or even if you would like to simply worry less even though you don't worry that much, you might like to read this:
The Ocelot Blues

Learn how to prevent yourself from falling into the common traps we are all prone to because of the structure of the human brain:
Thoughtical Illusions

Would you like to stand as a pillar of strength during difficult times? There is a way. It takes some discipline but it is very simple.
Pillar of Strength

next: How to Improve Your Self-Esteem

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 16). Fighting Spirit, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, October 4 from https://www.healthyplace.com/self-help/self-help-stuff-that-works/fighting-spirit

Last Updated: March 31, 2016

We've Been Duped

Chapter 30 of the book Self-Help Stuff That Works

by Adam Khan

PEOPLE FELT RICHER in the 1950s - when houses averaged 1100 square feet - than they do now, when they average 2000 square feet. There were no VCRs, no microwaves, no cable TV, no PCs, no video games, hardly any dishwashers, and in most homes only the father brought in an income. Yet according to surveys, our reported level of happiness peaked in 1957 and has gone down as our level of wealth has gone up.

The reason is simple: You and I don't need much to be happy. Most of us are doing too much, working too hard, trying to make "enough" money. But it costs us time. And after a certain point - a point we have all passed a long time ago - you get less and less happiness for more and more expenditure of time to earn money. And that is time taken away from time spent with your loved ones, where a good deal of happiness does come from. Those moments of simple human interaction - talking, playing a game, taking a walk, cooking together - those are the real riches of life.

You've been exposed to barrage of advertising, something like a million ads by the time you're twenty. And those advertising people are experts on human nature. They've read all the studies showing what influences people, and they carefully design their advertisements to pull your attention and then to convince you their product would make you happy. They have been trying to manipulate your values since you were a kid. They've been trying to get you to believe having things is what will make you happy.

Most of us are way too busy, and that's just perfect as far as the advertisers are concerned. We're out working to earn more money so we have more to spend on products. If we would learn to curb our desire for so much stuff, we wouldn't have to work as much, so we'd be able to spend more unscheduled time with our loved ones.

You already know this, I'm sure. But the more you hear something the more of an impact it will make on your feelings and behavior. Ask any advertiser.

You want more time? You want more enjoyment? There is a way, but it will require a little discipline: Do without. You'll be a lot richer.

Remind yourself you don't need much to be happy.

What is the most powerful self-help technique on the planet?
What single thing can you do that will improve your attitude, improve the way you deal with others, and also improve your health? Find out here.
Where to Tap

 


Would you like to be emotionally strong? Would you like to have that special pride in yourself because you didn't whimper or whine or collapse when things got rough? There is a way, and it's not as difficult as you'd think.
Think Strong

When some people get smacked around by life, they give in and let life run them over. But some people have a fighting spirit. What's the difference between these two and why does it make a difference? Find out here.
Fighting Spirit

Learn how to prevent yourself from falling into the common traps we are all prone to because of the structure of the human brain:
Thoughtical Illusions

next: How to Like Yourself More

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 16). We've Been Duped, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, October 4 from https://www.healthyplace.com/self-help/self-help-stuff-that-works/weve-been-duped

Last Updated: March 31, 2016

Peace on Earth

Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves

MERRY CHRISTMAS!, HAPPY HANUKKAH!, or just "HAVE A FUN WINTER"!

This is my holiday present for you and for those who love you. Feel free to share it with anyone you care about.

PEACE ON EARTH

We hear the phrase "Peace On Earth" often during the holidays. We probably think about it only as an impossibly "dreamy" and altruistic goal, rather than as something achievable.

If, however, we ask ourselves what we citizens of earth could DO to bring about peace, what would be on our list....? We'd all have our own ideas, of course... and in a way that's what it would take - for each of us to pursue peace in our own way. But I'd like to tell you what would be on my list.

WHAT LARGE GROUPS OF US COULD DO TO BRING PEACE

THE MEDIA

Give us the Truth...! (Or, if you must lie when you advertise, at least limit it to that...!)

CORPORATIONS

The Truth... - or at least clearly identified advertising. Compassion for employees at all levels.

POLITICIANS AND POLICY-MAKERS:

The Truth.... at the very least when it comes to health and safety! Compassion - beginning with those at the bottom. The belief that each person is always more important than money.

EACH OF US

The Truth... More and more of it in all areas of our lives. Compassion for ourselves first, and then for everyone else. The belief that people are much more important than what they do. The belief that everyone is valuable (starting, of course, with ourselves).

WHAT PEOPLE WE ACTUALLY MEET CAN DO TO BRING PEACE


 


THOSE WHO ARE STRANGERS TO US

Accept and trust us - unless we've shown you that we don't deserve it.

DISTANT ACQUAINTANCES

Acceptance and trust. Minimal friendliness - at least enough to encourage us to treat you well.

REGULAR ACQUAINTANCES

Acceptance and trust. Minimal friendliness. Recognition - a nod, a wave, a "howdy" or something...!

OUR DISTANT FRIENDS

Acceptance and trust. Friendliness. Recognition. A minimal, but ongoing, sense of connectedness.

OUR FRIENDS

Acceptance and trust. Friendliness. Recognition. A sense of connectedness. The mutual desire to have fun together - even when we can't have it today.

OUR "FAMILY" OF FRIENDS AND RELATIVES

Acceptance and trust. Friendliness. Recognition. A sense of connectedness. The desire to have fun together. Caring about our deepest feelings - and respect for our ability to handle them unless we ask for help.

OUR SPOUSES, LOVERS, AND "SIGNIFICANT OTHERS"

Acceptance and trust. Friendliness. Recognition. Sense of connectedness. The desire to have fun together. Caring and respect. Your love and support every day - even on those days when everything else (above) isn't enough.

Happy Holidays!

Tell Santa That Tony Said To Give You What You Want This Year!

(... It may not help, but it can't hurt...)

next: How To Talk About Feelings

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 16). Peace on Earth, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, October 4 from https://www.healthyplace.com/self-help/inter-dependence/peace-on-earth

Last Updated: March 29, 2016

Friends and Social Relationships Table of Contents

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 15). Friends and Social Relationships Table of Contents, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, October 4 from https://www.healthyplace.com/self-help/inter-dependence/friends-and-social-relationships-toc

Last Updated: August 18, 2014

Employment

Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves

JOB SEEKING

If you are in the envious situation of being able to look for new work while having a current means of support, spend the first month or so applying for jobs you would like to have but which seem "way over your head".

The experience you get at handling rejection is helpful. More importantly, many of the people who have tried this over the years actually get the job they thought was over their head - thus advancing their career by years. (This is because most of us fear rejection so much that we only try for jobs for which we are overqualified.)

GOAL SETTING

When goals seem out of immediate reach, set them anyway.

Consider it your task to work your way to them over time. You do this by taking advantage of each day's small or large opportunities in the direction you want to go.

WHY WE WORK

Once we start working someplace, we often lose sight of the fact that we are working there for the pay! And, although it may seem cold to remind someone of this, it is often quite helpful.

Few employers show any major degree of loyalty to their employees and yet most employers say they expect one kind of "loyalty" or another from their employees! Remembering that our original motivation was the paycheck can help us to figure out what is loyalty and what is being taken advantage of.

Another advantage to remembering the paycheck is this: People sometimes expect employers to be "second families."
Remember that your employer's obligation to you is financial only. If some of the people you work with also happen to care about you, that's a bonus!

Look for caring from friends and those family members who you enjoy and can see regularly. That way, any caring or closeness you pick up from coworkers and employers can be seen as a wonderful "side-benefit" to be enjoyed as long as it's there - but not to be either expected or relied upon.



ENJOYING YOUR WORK

It is YOUR responsibility to enjoy your work. Others can help, but it's your responsibility.

INTIMIDATION / VERBAL ABUSE

If you are treated poorly, stand up for yourself! If you just take it, you only encourage the person to keep it up or even escalate.

When at work, remember: "You are valuable, even if you need the job badly!".

If it's in a relationship situation, remember: Whether you love the person or not - and whether they love you or not -
isn't the question. How you are being treated is the question!

Abuse is abuse, no matter who is doing it or why someone is expected to think they deserve it.

BALANCING YOUR TIME AND ENERGY

One of the best exercises I know is this:

Draw two circles.

  1. Put the phrase "Activities: Where I Spend My Time and Energy" at the top of the circle on the left.
  2. Put the phrase "Rewards: What I Get Out Of It" at the top of the circle on the right.
  3. Now cut both circles into "pie pieces". Use "% of Energy" for the left circle, and "% of Reward" for the right circle.
  4. When you are finished, ask yourself what you need to do in your daily life to make the left circle look more like the one on the right!
PLAY = WORK = DOING NOTHING

I keep telling people about this "rule of thumb" even though I usually only get blank stares back at me.... But I don't give up easily, and I really like it, so here goes:

There are only three things we can do with our awake hours:
WORK - To Be Productive.
PLAY - To Enjoy Ourselves.
DO NOTHING - To Rest.

At the end of an average week, we should have spent about one-third of our time on each of these.

"Do nothing time" is also called mental health time because this is when we get to know ourselves, where we are going, and how well we are doing. (I guess this explains why a therapist would value it so much!)

Enjoy Your Changes!

Everything here is designed to help you do just that

next: False Memories And Responsibility

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 15). Employment, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, October 4 from https://www.healthyplace.com/self-help/inter-dependence/employment

Last Updated: March 29, 2016

Do You Think You Can't?

Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves

You are incapable of something if you are physically unable to do it. You are capable of something if you are physically able to do it.

If you were hired to do something your mind just can't comprehend, you are incapable of those duties.

If you want to walk up a stairway but you don't have legs, you are incapable of that activity.

Being incapable is about physical impossibility. It's not just a matter of believing you can't.

"I CAN'T"

People often say they can't do something when they just don't want to do it. If they are lying to others, that's a relationship problem. If they are lying to themselves, that's a therapy problem.

"I THINK I CAN'T... I THINK I CAN'T..."

Let's talk about a boy, Leo, who was told to tie his shoes when he was three years old. He did his best, spent a lot of time at it, and found that his little fingers just couldn't handle the job. Things like that happen a lot to kids.

But let's say Leo grew up to be one of the people who claim they can't do a whole lot of things.

How did he get that way? How will he get over it?

HOW IT HAPPENED
Leo now says he can't do many things he actually can do. He does this because he made one of these decisions long ago:
1) That he was incapable of some things.
2) That he was incapable of most things.
3) That he had to rebel against some expectations.
4) That he had to rebel against all expectations.
5) That he was incapable of most things and he also had to keep rebelling.

continue story below

INCAPABLE OF SOME THINGS
If the frustration over tying his shoes was extremely strong, Leo could have decided that this is just something he will never be able to do. He's wrong, of course, but it's no big deal if he can find a way to get around the problem. (Slippers, boots, and Velcro come to mind...)
INCAPABLE OF MOST THINGS
If Leo was often expected to do things he was physically unable to do he might have decided that he was unable to do almost everything. He might come to therapy saying he has self-esteem issues - but he got that way by believing he's incapable.

Leo could learn in therapy that:
1) Too much was expected of him in the past.
2) He can do whatever anyone else with his physical makeup can do.
3) He can make his own choices about what he will and won't do.
NEED TO REBEL AGAINST SOME EXPECTATIONS
Maybe Leo's mother was an athlete who wanted her son to become one too. Maybe she put a lot of pressure on him to develop his physical skills. If so, Leo might have needed to rebel against all such demands by pretending he couldn't do any athletic things.

If his mother eventually got off his back about these things, good for little Leo! But as an adult, he still needs to learn to say "yes" or "no" instead of "I can't."

NEED TO REBEL AGAINST ALL EXPECTATIONS

If the adults were never satisfied with what he did as a child, Leo might grow up to be angry whenever anyone wants anything at all from him. He might be bitter against the world because he decided long ago that everyone will always be dissatisfied, even with his best efforts.

So he says "I can't" almost without thinking. He tells his boss he can't get that report in on time. He tells his friends he can't make it to their party. And he tells his lover he can't have sex tonight, and almost every night.

Eventually he will have to face how sad he is about losing all of the things he could have done so far in his life. He needs to face his sadness about these losses before he'll have the motivation to acknowledge his real capabilities.

INCAPABLE OF MOST THINGS AND REBELLIOUS
If Leo's family was physically cruel as well as continually dissatisfied with him, he might end up thinking both that he's incapable and that he needs to continually rebel. If so, he will hold on very strongly to these ideas because he thinks they keep him safe.

Like all of us, Leo would love to know how capable he really is. Once he gets relief from all his sadness and fear he will finally realize he CAN.

Enjoy Your Changes!

Everything here is designed to help you do just that!

next: Handling Criticism

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 15). Do You Think You Can't?, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, October 4 from https://www.healthyplace.com/self-help/inter-dependence/do-you-think-you-cant

Last Updated: August 15, 2014

Ambivalence

Thoughtful quotes about ambivalence.

Words of Wisdom

ambivalence.

"I happen to feel that the degree of a person's intelligence is directly reflected by the number of conflicting attitudes she can bring to bear on the same topic" (Lisa Alther)

"Confusion is always the most honest response." (Mary Indik)

"My open-mindedness is driving me insane!" (Young girl)

"There is only one thing about which I am certain, and that is that there is very little about which one can be certain." (author unknown)

"It wasn't until late in life that I discovered how easy it is to say, I don't know." (William Somerset Maugham)


continue story below

next:Anxiety

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, November 15). Ambivalence, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, October 4 from https://www.healthyplace.com/alternative-mental-health/sageplace/ambivalence

Last Updated: July 18, 2014