"What we have here is a failure to communicate." You may remember this famous line from the movie "Cool Hand Luke." And if you've been in couples therapy, you probably remember the line spoken in some form or fashion by your therapist.

The problem is: for most couples, the line is a myth.

Forgive the blasphemy. But the truth is: couples are communicating all the time. They use what I call "hidden messages." Hidden messages are the "between-the-lines" communications that fly back and forth in every relationship. They are often more powerful than messages directly spoken. And to the trained ear, they are most revealing of a relationship.

O.K., you say, then "What we have here is a failure to communicate--directly! We're talking about a semantic difference..."

Nope. There is a delightfully romantic notion (often seen in movies) that if people only spoke their minds and hearts directly, all would be well. I have treated many couples, and I have almost neverfound this to be true. If unhappy couples were able to speak their minds and hearts directly (i.e., made the embedded messages clear), each party would know where the other party stands, but neither would necessarily be happier. Indeed, we learn to communicate indirectly in order to hide the true feelings that might be seen as socially inappropriate or destructive. We are all, more or less, politicians when it comes to relating to people, even those closest to us.

Does this mean that unhappy couples are doomed to be this way forever? Hardly. But the solution is never as quick and easy as "communicating better." What determines success in couples therapy? Here's a brief list:

1. Each party must learn what it is they are asking for from the other party, and why it is they are asking for it. This can be complicated. Often what is being asked for has very deep familial roots--and is invisible to the person doing the asking. For example: "I asked you to do the dishes, and you didn't do them" may bear the emotional weight of: "You don't listen to me, no one has ever listened to me--I don't know if I have a place in anyone's life." And a slightly sarcastic, "I'm sorry, I forgot" may bear the emotional weight of "These are your wishes, your needs, what about me? Whoever paid attention to me?"

1. Each party must understand and take responsibility for the embedded (between-the-lines) messages they are sending. People must recognize that they may be saying the "right thing," but sending contradictory messages that better reflect their wishes/needs/feelings. The "I'm sorry," in the dialogue above is a good example of this.
2. Each party must be willing to share what they discover about themselves (painful personal histories, unfulfilled childhood needs, the ways they protected themselves from unmet needs) and encourage the other party to do likewise.
3. Each party must continue to think about all of the above, even after therapy ends.

These are the goals of good couples therapy. Once achieved, couples will be talking about things that are real, deep, and important. And they will continue "communicating" for life.

About the author: Dr. Grossman is a clinical psychologist and author of the Voicelessness and Emotional Survival web site.

next: Psychotherapy and Humanism

Approach your mate with a win-win attitude.
Choose an attitude of "We both win in filling our needs." Make sure that you share what you need and want with your mate. Don't wait for your mate to guess what you want or what makes you feel good. Sometimes it is good to go into detail. Do not feel ashamed to ask for your mate to do things for you that make you feel good. If your mate doesn't want to do those things, then determine if what you are asking is inappropriate or if your mate needs more encouragement. Ask your mate what they want and need. Listen and do your best to respond to their needs. Learn to negotiate with your mate in a positive manner always keeping in mind and expressing your desire for both of your needs to be filled.

Don't use sex to solve a problem.
Face problems with your mate squarely. If you are upset, give yourself some space to calm down and get clear. Do not stay away and pretend that the problem is going to go away. Always come back to work through the problem until it is solved or you both have a plan that leads to resolution. Never bully, use guilt, or anger to control your mate. Work out your conflicting emotions with a counselor if you cannot on your own. Once you have some resolution to the problem you both will feel more empowered and and sex can be more loving and close.

Meditate, pray, or be together in quiet for a time every day.
This gives your relationship a chance to connect in a spiritual way. Quiet walks or just sitting in each other's presence in quiet will open doors in your psyche that will lead to bringing you closer together. If this is done with the intention of connecting with a higher power, your closeness is all the more powerful. Yes, sex and emotional intimacy can be spiritual.

Be kind and loving in little things.
Good sex and emotional intimacy are created in every breathing moment. Little gestures of kindness and affection go deep and are noticed even if not acknowledged. A helping hand, willingness to listen patiently even when you are tired, a special favor done, a pat, a neck rub, willingness to watch your mate's favorite TV show, taking interest in their passions even if they are of little interest to you....all these little thing add up to big, big closeness. Intimacy and sex shine in an environment of kindness and giving.

Be trustworthy and true.
In the end your willingness to be honest and true is the cornerstone of true intimacy. Indulging yourself in secret affair(s) can only undermine your commitment to solve problems with your mate. Revealed affair(s) cause so much damage in trust that your relationship may never be able to be repaired. Years of dependability build a trust that opens the door for closeness that is the envy of angels. Even during times when sex is less passionate, being steadfast and true shines as that which can bring you countless hours of comfort and peace of mind.

More tips on improving intimacy and your relationships

next: Tips for Showing You Care

Chapter 77 of the book Self-Help Stuff That Works

by Adam Khan:

THE MANAGER OF A LARGE restaurant hired my wife and business partner, J. Klassy Evans, as a consultant. The manager was having problems that caused her a great deal of stress and she didn't know what to do about it. For example, no matter how many times the manager talked to certain employees, they continually showed up late for work and always had a good excuse.

Klassy suggested something simple: Every time a person shows up late, assign them a cleaning task to be completed before they go home that day.

It worked. Not only were fewer people showing up late, but a lot of things the manager wanted clean were getting clean. The restaurant was under better control and the manager was less distressed.

My son used to leave his window open and his heater on when he left for school in the morning. No matter how many times I told him to turn off his heater, he never seemed to remember. Saving my money wasn't very important to him. It's the vexing kind of problem commonly experienced by most parents. I decided to make it important to him and fined him one dollar from his allowance every time I found the heater on and the window open. Would you believe it? His memory made an immediate, complete, and permanent improvement after losing only one dollar!

You control yourself for the same reason you try to help your child develop self-control, and for the same reason a manager tries to maintain order with her staff: A person or family or organization with self-control is more likely to succeed.

The way to gain control is to set a standard and stick to it firmly.

If you're a boss or a parent, think hard about the standards you set and make sure you set those standards carefully. Once you've announced the standard and the penalty for deviating from it, hold to your promise without flinching, and you will have gained a new level of control. You will have derived order from chaos. The method allows your child or your employee to learn self-control and by doing so, you increase the amount of successful action.

When he was first put in charge of a regiment, General Grant found chaos and disorder. The men were dressed slovenly, they showed up late and there was rank insubordination.

Before you can accomplish something, you first have to establish order, and that's what Grant did. When someone showed up late for roll-call, the whole regiment went without food for twenty-four hours. A man was tied to a post all day if he disobeyed orders. When a soldier cussed, he was gagged.

Rules were established, cleanliness was created, and order was the name of the game. They could get on with the task of training and fighting. Then Grant took these same men and captured Fort Donelson and fifteen thousand prisoners in one afternoon! That victory turned the tide for the Union forces.

Discipline is difficult. Our yearning for freedom bucks against it. But without discipline, little can be accomplished. It's a simple fact: Ultimately, it's more difficult and painful to do without discipline than it is to buckle down and establish control.

Set standards and stick to them through storm and thunder. You will derive gain from the pain. Success will be your sweet reward.

sexual fantasies

Sexual fantasies are common, normal, healthy, and harmless. Many of us have cherished this modern viewpoint in order to achieve freedom from guilt and shame about our sexual feelings and thoughts. We have struggled against rigid Puritan values that permit only a very narrow range of sexual expression. So why question our sexual fantasies now? Unfortunately for most sex addicts, sexual fantasies are not free from harmful consequences. They may spawn obsessions that are intrusive and compelling. They disrupt peace of mind. Fantasies often lead towards undesired, risky behavior.

The following questions may help you to examine fantasies that arise and decide whether they are helpful or harmful.

Fantasy Inventory

Why is this fantasy appealing to me? What does it do for me?

• What problem does it seem to solve?
• What feelings does it help me to avoid?

What risks would I face if I act on this fantasy?

• What are the negative consequences for myself? - (Consider financial, health, job, relationships, self-esteem, and emotional consequences.) relationships, self-esteem, and emotional consequences.)
• What are the negative consequences for others?

How am I deceiving myself about these consequences?

• It will be different this time. I'm smarter. I've got it figured out now.
• At least it is not as bad as ____________?
• It won't hurt anyone if they don't know. I can control it. I will stop before any harm is done.
• What other things do I tell myself to rationalize or minimize the risks?What is it I really need?

What is it I really need?

• The fantasy is a substitute for ____________?
• Is there a better way that I can meet this need?

next: The Differences Between The Sexual Fantasies of Men and Women

Manic-Depressive Illness

There is a tendency to romanticize manic-depressive disorder. Many artists, musicians and writers have suffered from its mood swings. But in truth, many lives are ruined by this disease and, left untreated, the illness leads to suicide in approximately 20 percent of cases. Manic-depressive illness, also known as bipolar disorder, a serious brain disease that causes extreme shifts in mood, energy, and functioning, affects approximately 2.3 million adult Americans-about one percent of the population. Men and women are equally likely to develop this disabling illness. Different from normal mood states of happiness and sadness, symptoms of manic-depressive disorder can be severe and life threatening. Manic-depressive illness typically emerges in adolescence or early adulthood and continues to flare up across the life course, disrupting or destroying work, school, family, and social life. Manic-depressive illness is characterized by symptoms that fall into several major categories:

Depression: Symptoms include a persistent sad mood; loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyed; significant change in appetite or body weight; difficulty sleeping or oversleeping; physical slowing or agitation; loss of energy; feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt; difficulty thinking or concentrating; and recurrent thoughts of death or suicide.

Mania: Abnormally and persistently elevated (high) mood or irritability accompanied by at least three of the following symptoms: overly-inflated self-esteem; decreased need for sleep; increased talkativeness; racing thoughts; distractibility; increased goal-directed activity such as shopping; physical agitation; and excessive involvement in risky behaviors or activities.

Psychosis: Severe depression or mania may be accompanied by periods of psychosis. Psychotic symptoms include: hallucinations (hearing, seeing, or otherwise sensing the presence of stimuli that are not there) and delusions (false personal beliefs that are not subject to reason or contradictory evidence and are not explained by a person's cultural concepts). Psychotic symptoms associated with manic-depressive disorder typically reflect the extreme mood state at the time.

"Mixed" state: Symptoms of mania and depression are present at the same time. The symptom picture frequently includes agitation, trouble sleeping, significant change in appetite, psychosis, and suicidal thinking. Depressed mood accompanies manic activation.

Symptoms of mania, depression, or mixed state appear in episodes, or distinct periods of time, which typically recur and become more frequent across the life span. These episodes, especially early in the course of illness, are separated by periods of wellness during which a person suffers few to no symptoms. When four or more episodes of illness occur within a 12-month period, the person is said to have manic-depressive disorder with rapid cycling. Manic-depressive disorder is often complicated by co-occurring alcohol or substance abuse.

Treatment

A variety of medications are used to treat manic-depressive disorder. But even with optimal medication treatment, many people with manic-depressive disorder do not achieve full remission of symptoms. Psychotherapy, in combination with medication, often can provide additional benefit.

Lithium has long been used as a first-line treatment for manic-depressive disorder. Approved for the treatment of acute mania in 1970 by the U.S. Food and Drug Ad-ministration (FDA), lithium has been an effective mood-stabilizing drug for many people with manic-depressive disorder.

Anticonvulsant medications, particularly valproate and carbamazepine, have been used as alternatives to lithium in many cases. Valproate was FDA approved for the treatment of acute mania in 1995. Newer anticonvulsant medications, including lamotrigine and gabapentin, are being studied to determine their efficacy as mood stabilizers in manic-depressive disorder. Some research suggests that different combinations of lithium and anticonvulsants may be helpful.

During a depressive episode, people with manic-depressive disorder commonly require treatment with antidepressant medication. The relative efficacy of various antidepressant medications in this disorder has not yet been determined by adequate scientific study. Typically, lithium or anticonvulsant mood stabilizers are given along with an antidepressant to protect against a switch into mania or rapid cycling, which can be provoked in some people with manic-depressive disorder by antidepressant medications.

In some cases, the newer, atypical anti-psychotic drugs such as clozapine or olanzapine may help relieve severe or refractory symptoms of manic-depressive disorder and prevent recurrences of mania. Further research is necessary, however, to establish the safety and efficacy of atypical antipsychotics as long-term treatments for manic-depressive disorder.

Recent Research Findings

More than two-thirds of people with manic-depressive disorder have at least one close relative with the illness or with unipolar major depression, indicating that the disease has a heritable component. Studies seeking to identify the genetic basis of manic-depressive disorder indicate that susceptibility stems from multiple genes. Despite tremendous research efforts, however, the specific genes involved have not yet been conclusively identified. Scientists are continuing their search for these genes using advanced genetic analytic methods and large samples of families affected by the illness. The researchers are hopeful that identification of susceptibility genes for manic-depressive disorder, and the brain proteins they code for, will make it possible to develop better treatments and preventive interventions targeted at the underlying illness process.

Genetics researchers believe that a person's risk for developing manic-depressive disorder most likely increases with each susceptibility gene carried, and that inheriting just one of the genes is probably not sufficient for the disorder to appear. The particular mix of genes may determine various features of the illness, such as age of onset, type of symptoms, severity, and course. In addition, environmental factors are known to play an important role in determining whether and how the genes are expressed.

New Clinical Trial

The National Institute of Mental Health has initiated a large-scale study to determine the most effective treatment strategies for people with manic-depressive disorder. This multi-center study began in 1999. The study will follow patients and document their treatment outcome for 5 years.

Source: National Institute of Mental Health

next: Neuroleptic Malignant Syndrome (NMS)
~ bipolar disorder library
~ all bipolar disorder articles

Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves

GENERAL INFORMATION

You can easily use this questionnaire to analyze any primary, sexual relationship. If you want to use it to analyze a non-sexual relationship (relative, friend, boss, etc.), it's not as easy but it can be done.

What you will learn:

1. Who gets the most of what they want from the relationship.

2. The greatest strength of the relationship, and how to capitalize on it.

3. The greatest weakness of the relationship, and how to minimize it..

4. The moment of greatest stress, and what to do about it.

5. The best method for solving problems.

THIS ISN'T COSMOPOLITAN MAGAZINE!

Answering the 10 questions will be EASY, but TAKE YOUR TIME or else you might get disturbing and misleading results.

THE QUESTIONS

Ten questions are the heart of this questionnaire.

They ask about times when EITHER YOU OR YOUR PARTNER WANTS something. (One question asks about when YOU want something, then another question asks about when THE OTHER PERSON wants the same thing....)

Pay very close attention to WHO is doing the "Wanting" in each question. (You have to do a little "guessing" when answering about the other person, of course - but we all have to do a lot of that in real life too!) Answer each question with a number from 0 to 100. Use a different number for each answer. Pick a specific time period for all the questions. You can choose any time period you like: "since we met," "the last month," "the last ten years," even "the first three years we were together." But you must be thinking about the SAME time period on every question!

OK, You Are Ready!

back to: Relationship Quiz Table of Contents

Research suggests that genetic vulnerability interacting with an environmental trigger is what causes bipolar disorder.

There is no single, proven cause of bipolar disorder, but research suggests that it is the result of abnormalities in the way some nerve cells in the brain function or communicate. Whatever the precise nature of the biochemical problem underlying bipolar illness, it clearly makes people with the disorder more vulnerable to emotional and physical stresses. As a result, upsetting life experiences, substance use, lack of sleep, or other stresses can trigger episodes of illness, even though these stresses do not actually cause the disorder.

This theory of an inborn vulnerability interacting with an environmental trigger is similar to theories proposed for many other medical conditions. In heart disease, for example, a person might inherit a tendency to have high cholesterol or high blood pressure, which can cause gradual damage to the heart's supply of oxygen. During stress, such as physical exertion or emotional tension, the person might suddenly develop chest pain or have a heart attack if the oxygen supply becomes too low. The treatment in this case is to take medication to lower the cholesterol or blood pressure (treating the underlying illness) and make changes in lifestyle (e.g., exercise, diet, reducing stresses that can trigger acute episodes). Similarly, in bipolar disorder, we use mood stabilizers to treat the underlying biological disorder while at the same time recommending changes in lifestyle (e.g., reducing stress, good sleep habits, avoiding substances of abuse) to lower the risk of relapse.

Is Bipolar Disorder Inherited?

Bipolar disorder tends to run in families. Researchers have identified a number of genes that may be linked to the disorder, suggesting that several different biochemical problems may occur in bipolar disorder. Like other complex inherited disorders, bipolar disorder only occurs in a fraction of the individuals at genetic risk. For example, if an individual has bipolar disorder and his or her spouse does not, there is only a 1 in 7 chance that their child will develop it. The chance may be greater if you have a greater number of relatives with bipolar disorder or depression.

next: Disastrous Medication Changes
~ bipolar disorder library
~ all bipolar disorder articles

• About Change
• About Love
• About Shame
• Can You Make Someone Change?
• Clear Communication: #1
• Clear Communication: #2
• Couples: Passive & Controlling Partners
• Feeling Safe
  
• Growing Up Emotionally
• Handling Criticism
• How Happy Couples Stay That Way
• How To Play
• How To Talk About Feelings
• How Are You Spending Your Life?
• Living With Alcoholics
• Loneliness
• Self Love
• Stop Making Comparisons!
• Who Can You Trust?
• Why Are You Treated The Way You Are?

next: I Want Help With

(and page number of the book)

Introduction 1

How to Use This Book 3

PART ONE: ATTITUDE

• Optimism 9
• Optimism is Healthy 12
• A Wiser Advisor 15
• Honest Abe 17
• Master the Art of Making Meaning 20
• Brighter Future? Sounds Good! 23
• Adrift 25
• Maybe it's Good 28
• You CAN Change 30
• The Neutralizer 32
• Stress Control 35
• The Old Switcheroo 38
• Having the Time 41
• Think Positive Positively! 43
• The Uncertainty Principle 46
• Unpleasant Feelings 49
• The How of Tao 51
• Pillar of Strength 54
• Meanings and Feelings 57
• Expect the Best 60
• Blind Spots 62
• Fighting Spirit 64
• How to Improve Your Self-Esteem 67
• All in Your Head 69
• Think Strong 74
• Where to Tap 77
• A Simple Way to Change How You Feel 80
• We've Been Duped 83
• How to Like Yourself More 85
• Rx to Relax 88
• Interest is Life 90
• Positive Thinking: The Next Generation 92
• From Hope to Change 95
• Be All You Can Be 98
• Riches 100
• Adventure 103
• The Ocelot Blues 105
• Argue With Yourself and Win! 108
• Constitutional Right 111
• Why Ask Why? 114
• Science of Happiness 116
• A Slave to His Destiny 119
• Attitude Principles 125

PART TWO: WORK

• Zoning Out 133
• Time Management Made Simple 136
• Envision it Done 138
• Use What You Get 140
• Do You Want to Give Up? 142
• As Good As Gold 145
• Law of Return 147
• Personality Counts 149
• R-e-s-p-e-c-t 152
• A Terrible Thing to Waste 154
• "I Don't Know What to Do With My Life" 157
• Sometimes You Shouldn't Listen 160
• Just Keep Planting 163
• Getting Paid to Meditate 167
• Be More Energetic 170
• Burn Your Own BTUs 173
• How to Earn More Money 176
• The Trouble With Troublemakers 179
• The Spirit of the Games 182
• A Lasting State of Feeling Great 185
• You Create Yourself 187
• Wasting Time the Old-Fashioned Way 189
• Taking Credit 192
• Make it Happen 194
• Forbidden Fruits 196
• Life is a Meditation 198
• Vocabulary Raises 200
• Play the Game 204
• Self-Help 207
• Speedy Reading One Chunk at a Time 210
• Thousand Watt Bulb 213
• An Island of Order in a Sea of Chaos 216
• The Samurai Effect 219
• Unnatural Acts 222
• The Shortest Distance 225
• American Reading Ceremony 228
• Work is Good Therapy 231
• Work Principles 235

PART THREE: PEOPLE

• How to Avoid Feeling Socially Awkward 243
• Your Inner Guide to Self-Esteem 246
• Complaint Compunctions 250
• Here Comes the Judge 253
• The Power of Listening 256
• Confidence With People 259
• Attitudes and Kin 262
• Very Impressive 266
• Make Your Own Labels 268
• Danger 270
• How to Find a Lifemate 273
• Personal Propaganda 276
• Play Yourself Down 279
• The Conflict of Honesty 282
• E-Squared 285
• How You Measure Up 288
• Send a Blessing 290
• Personality Myth 292
• Necessary Conflict 294
• Suggestive Moves 297
• We're Family 299
• Mastery 301
• Is That Clear? 303
• To Zip or Not to Zip 305
• Take the Sting Out 307
• How to Be Close to Your Friends 310
• How to Have More Life in Your Time 312
• How to Melt Hard Feelings 314
• How to Get What You Want From Others 317
• Elicit Your Own Acknowledgement 320
• Self-Confidence 323
• The Power of a Poker Face 325
• TRUE Love 328
• Too Polite? 331
• Right Makes Might 334
• The Bad Apples 336
• Refuse to Flinch 339
• Forging Mettle 342
• People Principles 345
• Parting Shot 351
• Index 355

next: About the Author of Self-Help Stuff That Works

Chapter 88 of Adam Khan's book Self-Help Stuff That Works

WHAT IF WE REALLY LISTENED to people, instead of doing what passes for listening most of the time? The person talking to you would have an extraordinary experience. With your observational powers on full throttle, you'd perceive more than you normally do, and your speaker would feel that something uncommon was taking place. Not only would you understand the speaker's words, but you'd grasp her small nuances of meaning. You'd perceive how she feels about you. You'd understand more of her personality. And you'd probably know something of what she's leaving unsaid as well.

The difference between you (fully listening) and other listeners (with minds wandering) would be so noticeable as to be startling.

Why is this important? Because your overall effectiveness in life depends on your ability to deal with people well. This discipline of listening will send your ability with people into another league entirely!

A man once said of Sigmund Freud, "He struck me so forcibly that I shall never forget him. His eyes were mild and genial. His voice was low and kind. His gestures were few. But the attention he gave me, his appreciation of what I said, even when I said it badly, was extraordinary. You've no idea what it meant to be listened to like that."

Fully concentrating your attention on the speaker is only the beginning of better listening. It's a necessary first step, like the undercoat of a painting, but it's only the start.

To be a first-class listener, you'd encourage the speaker, you'd let her know with your nods and expressions and body language that you appreciate what she's saying, that you enjoy the conversation, and most of all, that you respect her.

When you listen this way, you won't be silent. You won't be passive. On the contrary, you'll be exerting yourself because you need to be doing several things simultaneously: You're taking in the information; you're picking up on the emotional significance being communicated; you're letting the speaker know that you understand and appreciate what she's saying-and you're doing all this without interrupting her flow of speech.

Also, when you're listening well, you're asking the person questions that she'll enjoy answering or questions that she'll find valuable to answer; you're helping her clarify what she's saying so she's left with more understanding about herself after she's done talking with you; and you're communicating silently to the speaker that you respect what she's saying, even when you disagree.

When you do disagree, learn to avoid making a direct assertion that disagrees or invalidates her ideas. Instead, learn to say, "I feel that such and such is the case. I may be wrong but I got my information in this magazine (or wherever you got it)."

This is a lot to do simultaneously. It's not easy. It's a discipline. Treat it like any other difficult skill and practice, practice, practice. The benefits to the person speaking are the satisfaction of being heard and understood. The person gets the joy of intimacy, a feeling of closeness, and the rare experience of talking with someone who really cares.

And what about you? You'll become a better person by practicing this discipline-you'll grow stronger and more perceptive. You'll improve your ability to concentrate. You relationships will be more strongly bonded. You'll understand more about the people in your life.

So practice listening. It will teach you about yourself and other people, and you'll win loyal allies and lifelong friends.

As a personal discipline, practice listening well when someone is talking to you.

We human beings apparently have a need to "waste" time regularly. There are different ways to do it, and some are higher quality than others. Read about a good one:
Wasting Time the Old Fashioned Way

Here's a conversation on how to change the way you interpret the events in your life so that you neither become a doormat nor get upset more than you need to:
Interpretations

The art of controlling the meanings you're making is an important skill to master. It will literally determine the quality of your life. Read more about it in:
Master the Art of Making Meaning

Here's a profound and life-changing way to gain the respect and the trust of others:
As Good As Gold

What if you already knew you ought to change and in what way? And what if that insight has made no difference so far? Here's how to make your insights make a difference:
From Hope to Change

next: Confidence With People