"The coming of this Master Teacher 2000 years ago was a milestone in the journey that marked a great acceleration in the process of moving back to alignment with the Light within.

This Master Teacher was known as Jesus the Christ. The man Jesus was a perfect child of the Goddess and God energy - just as we all are perfect children of the God-Force!

This messenger added the most powerful ingredient to the process. He brought us our secret weapon. He taught Love. He carried the message of a Loving God."

Christ Consciousness

"We all have available to us - within - a direct channel to the Highest Vibrational Frequency Range within The Illusion. That highest range involves consciousness of the Glory of ONENESS. It is called Cosmic Consciousness. It is called Christ Consciousness.

This is the energy that Jesus was tuned into, and he stated very plainly, "These things that I do, you can do also." - by atoning, by tuning in.

We have access to the Christ Energy within. We have begun the Second Coming of the message of Love."

Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney

Jesus, in my opinion, was the most important Master Teacher in the history of humankind. The reason he was so important was that he taught Love. He carried the message of a Loving God-Force.

Jesus was a perfect Spiritual Being, a direct extension/manifestation from the ONENESS that is the God/Goddess Energy, having a human experience - just as we all are perfect Spiritual Beings having a human experience. What made Jesus different is that he was more en-Light-ened, more tuned in to the energy of Light and Love, more conscious of the Truth of ONENESS. That does not mean that he was able to be emotionally tuned into that Truth all of the time - no human can be. It meant that he carried a Knowing of that Truth and Love with him - integrated into his emotional responses to life. He was human - he did get angry, scared and afraid, he did have a dark side and know despair at times. Jesus also had sensual and sexual desires and a mate and lover in Mary Magdalene.

What really made Jesus so special was that he was able to be enLightened in a time when the inner channel to Christ Consciousness that all humans possess was blocked by planetary conditions. He was able to use the Archangelic vibrational frequencies to circumvent the blockage in the planetary energy field.

The planetary conditions that blocked humans from accessing Christ Consciousness - the vibrational Knowing of the Truth of ONENESS - were in place for tens of thousands of years. Conditions have now changed! We have entered a new time, an Age of Healing & Joy has dawned in Human Consciousness on the planet. All of the "old-souls" involved in healing in this time have the capacity to access the Truth of ONENESS and Love through their inner channel.

(The term "old-soul" refers to the stage of consciousness evolution an individual has attained by this lifetime - it does not mean better than, or farther along than, those who do not have to do the healing. There is no hierarchy in the Truth of a Loving Great Spirit - those who appear to have low, or no, consciousness in this lifetime are simply doing their healing in another space-time illusion parallel to this one. All old-souls are born at a heart-chakra level of consciousness and therefore have more sensitivity, and less capacity for denial, than other people. In other words, the gift of having access to Truth and Love carries with it the price of greatly increased emotional sensitivity.)

Due to the planetary conditions, the human ego developed a belief in separation - which is what made violence possible and caused the human condition as we inherited it. The reflection of that human condition on the individual level is the disease of Codependence. Codependence is caused by the ego being traumatized and programmed in early childhood so that our relationship with ourselves and the God-Force is dysfunctional - that is, it does not work to help us access the Truth of ONENESS and Love. It is through healing our relationship with ourselves that we open our inner channel and start tuning into the Truth.

Christmas is about Love and birth, new beginnings. The Winter Solstice is the time of the longest darkness and marks the point of increasing light just as the birth of Jesus is a milestone which marked the time of the acceleration of the return to Light in the evolution of Human Consciousness. This Christmas we can celebrate, resonate with, the vibrational Knowing of the Truth of ONENESS and the new beginning the Second Coming of the message of Love - that has begun.

next: Jesus and Mary Magdalene - Jesus, Sexuality and the Bible

Seventy-two percent of 86 major depressive patients with atypical features as defined by the DSM-IV and evaluated systematically were found to meet our criteria for bipolar II and related "soft" bipolar disorders; nearly 60% had antecedent cyclothymic or hyperthymic temperaments. The family history for bipolar disorder validated these clinical findings. Even if we limit the diagnosis of bipolar II to the official DSM-IV threshold of 4 days of hypomania, 32.6% of atypical depressives in our sample would meet this conservative threshold, a rate that is three times higher than the estimates of bipolarity among atypical depressives in the literature. By definition, mood reactivity was present in all patients, while interpersonal sensitivity occurred in 94%. Lifetime comorbidity rates were as follows: social phobia 30%, body dysmorphic disorder 42%, obsessive-compulsive disorder 20%, and panic disorder (agoraphobia) 64%. Both cluster A (anxious personality) and cluster B (e.g., borderline and histrionic) personality disorders were highly prevalent.

These data suggest that the "atypicality" of depression is favored by affective temperamental dysregulation and anxiety comorbidity, clinically manifesting in a mood disorder subtype that is preponderantly in the realm of bipolar II. In the present sample, only 28% were strictly unipolar and characterized by avoidant and social phobic features, without histrionic traits.

next: Foundation for Effective Bipolar, Depression Recovery
~ bipolar disorder library
~ all bipolar disorder articles

Can moderate drinking help relieve stress and depression? Read more on drinking alcohol to treat depression.

What is it?

Alcohol (chemical name ethyl alcohol or ethanol) is a liquid made from sugars by the action of yeast. The products may be drunk in their original form (for example, beer and wines), or after strengthening (for example, sherry, port and spirits).

How does it work?

Alcohol has complex effects on many parts of the brain and these are not fully understood. One influence is to reduce the emotional effects of stressful situations that may lead to depression.

Is it effective?

Studies have shown that drinking alcohol has positive effects on people's mood, but these have not used groups of people chosen because they are depressed. Several surveys have also found that moderate drinkers suffer less from depression than non-drinkers. However, it is not known whether drinking alcohol causes this difference.

Are there any disadvantages?

There are several disadvantages of using alcohol to cope with depression and stress. Heavy drinking causes intoxication. In the longer term it can harm physical and mental health, and can lead to addiction. Heavy drinking is associated with violence and other antisocial behavior. Alcoholics and people who have other problems with alcohol use often suffer from depression. Even in smaller quantities, alcohol can affect driving skills and the ability to do other tasks (for example, at work) and this increases the risk of accidents. It can lead people to do things they will regret later or feel guilty about. Alcohol may also lessen the effectiveness of antidepressants, although some drinking is usually allowed for people taking them.

Recommendation

Drinking alcohol in moderation may help to reduce stress but its effects on clinical depression are unknown. Heavy drinking is not recommended (see entry for Alcohol avoidance). Even lighter drinkers need to be aware that there could be harmful effects on their work performance or personal relationships. Drinking alcohol along with antidepressants or other medication should be discussed with a doctor.

Key references

Baum-Baicker C. The psychological benefits of moderate alcohol consumption: a review of the literature. Drug and Alcohol Dependence 1985; 15: 305-322.

Chick J. Can light or moderate drinking benefit mental health? European Addiction Research 1999; 5: 74-81.

Peele S, Brodsky A. Exploring psychological benefits associated with moderate alcohol use: a necessary corrective to assessments of drinking outcomes? Drug and Alcohol Dependence 2000; 60: 221-247.

Rodgers B, Korten AE, Jorm AF, Jacomb PA, Christensen H, Henderson S. Non-linear relationships in associations of depression and anxiety with alcohol use. Psychological Medicine 2000; 30: 421-432.

back to: Alternative Treatments for Depression

"There is always one moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in."
Graham Greene.

begin 1 : to do the first part of an action : go into the first part of a process : START 2 a : to come into existence : ARISE b : to have a starting point 3 : to do or succeed in the least degree transitive senses 1 : to set about the activity of : START 2 a : to bring into being : FOUND b : ORIGINATE, INVENT Definitions from Merriam-Webster Dictionary

In the beginning...

Summer was here, that glorious time when school was a distant memory and endless days of sun and sand lay ahead: September and the return to books and rules, a vague discomfort somewhere over the horizon. At 10 years old I was the oldest of the summer kids; the children of several families who's vacations would overlap. Summer friends. We spent those slow summer days doing those things that children do. Exploring the beach and the woods, building forts and tree houses and swimming: always swimming. Swimming in the cold waters of the big lake until the chill became too much, we would run back up the beach to burrow into the hot sand. The sand warming from below the sun from above, a cocoon of warmth that soon drove the chill from our bodies. You could feel the water evaporate from your body in the wind with a shiver. At times you would feel the sting of sand kicked along by the wind. Always wind and always the sound of wind, the waves rolling on shore, the leaves in the birches and the ash trees playing harmony: The cries of the gulls as they slid on the currents of air, a counterpoint. Running back into the water our yells joined those of the gulls. Perfect memories.

In the late afternoon we would climb the steps from the beach to the house. Along this part of the shore time and wind had piled sand into dunes that had gradually been grown over. Cedar, pine and ash roots held the banks in place. The few houses along the shore were built at the top. Up above was a different world of woods and fields with postcard views of the lake. Changing from our swim suits into our clothes we would feel that wonderful feeling of cloth against our skin, that one feels after a day of running in the wind on the sand and playing in the water. A warm feeling of comfort, safety, and contentment.

It began during one such day. It was after dinner, I was still feeling that secure comfortable feeling of my clothing. I was sitting on the hearth, in front of the fire, toasting marshmallows. The adults were behind me talking about whatever it is that adults talked about as I watched the marshmallows turn a golden brown and did my best to keep them from catching fire while thinking about the almost too sweet taste. Life was good, I was happy and the world was full of possibilities and then, in one brief moment the world changed, one of the adults behind me made a comment to me. They said, "You look like Satan sitting there." It was an innocent comment and funny at the time, the marshmallow fork did indeed look like a small pitchfork. As I sat there watching the toasting marshmallows and the fire I started to think a little about Satan and hell and eternity. At that moment, for the first time in my life, I felt the cold frozen feeling of the beginning of an obsession. I didn't know what it was but as I sat there contemplating eternity, an eternity in hell, I felt that fear, that living fear, which was to become my constant companion. It started small, Hell is a frightening thing to think of, and I thought about all those things the nun's had taught me about hell. And then I started thinking about eternity. Eternity, on and on with no end, forever, that thought was even more frightening. No end? I couldn't get a handle on that, I couldn't understand it and it terrified me. Then I started thinking about heaven and eternity and I felt the same fear. The fear grew as I thought, "What if I went to hell and my mother didn't?" Or if someone I loved went to hell and I went to heaven? Within minutes my safe secure world was gone and I was trapped in this nightmare that I couldn't find my way out of. The thoughts just kept going around and around. I didn't sleep that night, I couldn't. The next day was another beautiful summer day, just like the day before, and I did all the things we did on those summer days, but the thoughts were there. I could push them back while playing but if I stopped for even a moment, I could feel the cold of the fear. That night, as I lay in bed, the nightmare was alive and growing. I could not stop the thoughts and that frightened me. That became the pattern of my life; I would be Ok during the day but was always in this shadow, at night as I lay in bed the terror took over. Soon I began to fear going to bed. Eventually I was able to find some relief, momentary and fleeting, in going to church and to confession. Though now I feared heaven as much as hell. If I had no choice about eternity, I thought, then better heaven then hell. Night after night I prayed the rosary. If I didn't pray I would not get to sleep. I had to be good enough to get to heaven. I tried, for endless hours to think my way out, to use logic but those concepts were too big, too imperfectly understood by my 10-year-old mind for that to work but I found comfort in trying. Trying to think my way clear became part of the ritual. Prayer and thinking, night after night and filled with a fear that even then I knew was not normal. That something was wrong, that something was wrong with me. I couldn't bring myself to talk with anyone and suffered this alone and in silence. If only I could think the right thoughts I would be Ok. After a full year of this it stopped as suddenly as it had started.

That is my first clear experience with what I would learn decades later was OCD. It would return and go again several times over the next few years, sometimes it was the same and sometimes it was other thoughts but always with this cold deadly anxiety. Today those ruminative, primarily obsessional, type problems still come and go. The OCD I live with now is, for the most part, the classic contamination/washing type and that is always with me. My OCD is severe and so far treatment has not been successful in reducing my symptoms to any great degree, though I continue to try and do have hope. But the knowledge that these strange thoughts that I can't get rid of are OCD, that it is something has been a great help. And knowing that I am not alone with this disorder has been a wonderful source of comfort.

I am not a doctor, therapist or professional in the treatment of OCD. This site reflects my experience and my opinions only, unless otherwise stated. I am not responsible for the content of links I may point to or any content or advertising in HealthyPlace.com other then my own.

Always consult a trained mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment choice or changes in your treatment. Never discontinue treatment or medication without first consulting your physician, clinician or therapist.

Content of Doubt and Other Disorders
copyright ©1996-2002 All Rights Reserved

next: Look Inside of OCD
~ ocd library articles
~ all ocd related disorders articles

Doubt is thought's despair; despair is personality's doubt. . .; Doubt and despair . . . belong to completely different spheres; different sides of the soul are set in motion. . . Despair is an expression of the total personality, doubt only of thought. -
Søren Kierkegaard

doubt 1 a : uncertainty of belief or opinion that often interferes with decision-making b : a deliberate suspension of judgment 2 : a state of affairs giving rise to uncertainty, hesitation, or suspense 3 a : a lack of confidence : DISTRUST b : an inclination not to believe or accept dis·or·der 1 : to disturb the order of 2 : to disturb the regular or normal functions of Definitions from Merriam-Webster Dictionary

"Tom"

The first genuine OCD experience that I can remember happened to me when I was about 6 years old. It happened one morning when I was walking to school and daydreaming. For some reason the topic of God was on my mind (my family was devoutly Christian); I was thinking about how we always said we loved God in Sunday school. All of a sudden a thought popped in my head, like a little voice daring me to say the words "I hate God". So I thought the words in my head, "I hate God". I immediately became anxious because I knew that I didn't hate God, the words had just popped into my head without my control. I tried to just shake it off, but the words just kept coming: "I hate God", I hate God". I started to get really anxious as I was thinking, "Stop it! Why am I saying that? I love God!" So I forced myself to say in my head "No, I love God", but it didn't help. The words just kept coming and coming and coming, "I hate God", "I hate God". I was fighting back the tears because I was really scared that God could hear me. When I got to school I was really shaken from what had happened. I tried to forget it, but for the rest of the day it was stuck like a splinter in the corner of my mind. When I got home I ran to my mother and tried to explain to her what had happened. I was in tears I was so upset. I tried to explain to her that I couldn't stop saying "I hate God" and was trying to counteract it by saying "I love God". I can still see the perplexed look on her face as she regarded me. I could tell that she knew I was in pain but had no idea why. She told me that it was alright and that I shouldn't worry about it. She comforted me by saying "I know you love God, it's okay". Even though I was only 6 years old, I had a feeling that I was being placated (obviously not in a way I could articulate then, but in retrospect, I think I knew). That's where my self-esteem took a down-turn as I became increasingly aware of how different I was.

I wasn't diagnosed with OCD until 16 years later in my senior year in college. I'd like to think that if I'd been diagnosed earlier those 16 years in between wouldn't have been fraught with such agony. How can you raise a child to be a healthy, well-adjusted individual when his/her mind is broken (and neither you nor the child is aware of it)? You try to reason with the child and understand his/her reality, but the responses just don't make sense. If I had just been taught to separate out what is and is not reasonable in my thoughts, I think a lot of my pain could have been avoided (or at least softened). But that's life, and all you can do is work to heal yourself now. It's taken me two years of therapy and medication to finally rise above the trees. Now I've gotten a better view of where the OCD ends and I begin. The way I look at it, everyone has a gift and a wound. One of the many challenges in life is to find people who won't merely flatter you when they see your gift, and who won't run away when they see your wound. OCD is a really tiring, frustrating, and painful wound, but it's just a wound. Try to push it aside and embrace your gift, you'd be surprised what can heal with effort over time.

I am not a doctor, therapist or professional in the treatment of CD. This site reflects my experience and my opinions only, unless otherwise stated. I am not responsible for the content of links I may point to or any content or advertising in HealthyPlace.com other then my own.

Always consult a trained mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment choice or changes in your treatment. Never discontinue treatment or medication without first consulting your physician, clinician or therapist.

Content of Doubt and Other Disorders
copyright ©1996-2009 All Rights Reserved

next: Hillary'
~ ocd library articles
~ all ocd related disorders articles

Doubt is thought's despair; despair is personality's doubt. . .;
Doubt and despair . . . belong to completely different spheres; different sides of the soul are set in motion. . .
Despair is an expression of the total personality, doubt only of thought. -
Søren Kierkegaard

doubt 1 a : uncertainty of belief or opinion that often interferes with decision-making b : a deliberate suspension of judgment 2 : a state of affairs giving rise to uncertainty, hesitation, or suspense 3 a : a lack of confidence : DISTRUST b : an inclination not to believe or accept dis·or·der 1 : to disturb the order of 2 : to disturb the regular or normal functions of Definitions from Merriam-Webster Dictionary

"Tina's Story"

I am a 30 year old woman with 3 children, my first experience with OCD I was 19 years old and it was on Thanksgiving Day. For as long as I live I will never forget that day.

I went up to take a nap and when I woke up my life would never be the same. From that moment on I would have a thought in my head and this thought would take over my life. For every waking moment I would think this same thought over and over.....

I would soon dream this thought out in my dreams. So all I did was think about this and cry cause I know I'm not, but why God did I keep thinking about it. So I went to the Hospital, depressed and crying, all I could say to the Dr. was I just want it to stop, Please make it stop and I cried and cried. Then out of no where I said I feel like shooting them away. Shoot these damn thoughts away. Big mistake they called down a Psychiatrist and would not let me leave, next thing you know I am sitting in the Rescue Crises.

I would see a Psychiatrist again in the morning. I told him I had no Idea what he was talking about and I never really meant to say it and he let me go. I would keep this to myself for the next two years and I would bite myself so the thought would leave my head...The harder I bit the better I felt I thought I was so crazy and could tell no one.

Looking back I think I had always suffered from this disorder. First when I was really young 6-11 I would obsess about death. I lived with my Great-grandmother and she was very old." in her 80's" so I prayed she would not die 24-7.

Then it was my weight I was chunky and my brother teased me so I went on Diet after diet. Then I would make my self get sick all the time. Then I obsessed about the way I looked constantly checking the mirror, putting make up on.

Then I obsessed about being popular. I am not talking about normal teenager stuff It went far beyond this. It was an obsession.

I would worry about what I has said through the day and if it was stupid. I would worry people didn't like me. I was more concerned with what people thought, more than what mad me happy. And I would obsess and obsess.... I would obsess over cleaning my house, making everything perfect all the time constantly over and over.

But I never knew, even though I knew something was wrong with me and there had always been something wrong. I was not a normal child.

But I had never obsessed to the point of wanting to die until. Thanksgiving 1990.

I tried to kill myself 3 times. I hated my life and everyone normal. So I mostly hung around losers, druggie's and then I became one I lost My marriage my children and many years of my life.

I am now 30 and have been on Prozac, Effexor and Trazadone. I am at last Happy and Content. I will always be on meds and still go to therapy. I know so much of my illness is Genetic, and also because of the abuse I went through as a child.( whole other story)

But, I am also grateful because I wouldn't be me if I had not went through this I fell passion and love and I feel for others I have true empathy and true devotion to me and my family. And I take everyday one day at a time.

And I happen to finally like my self.

I hope this will help.............Tina.

I am not a doctor, therapist or professional in the treatment of CD. This site reflects my experience and my opinions only, unless otherwise stated. I am not responsible for the content of links I may point to or any content or advertising in HealthyPlace.com other then my own.

Always consult a trained mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment choice or changes in your treatment. Never discontinue treatment or medication without first consulting your physician, clinician or therapist.

Content of Doubt and Other Disorders
copyright ©1996-2009 All Rights Reserved

next: Tom'
~ ocd library articles
~ all ocd related disorders articles

• Natural breathing
• Calming breath
• Calming counts

Natural Breathing

The first breathing skill is called Natural Breathing, or abdominal breathing. In fact, this is a good way to breathe all day long, unless you are involved in physical activity. In other words, you should practice breathing this way all day long, since it provides for sufficient oxygen intake and controls the exhalation of carbon dioxide.

It's very simple and it goes like this:

Gently and slowly inhale a normal amount of air through your nose, filling your lower lungs. Then exhale easily. You might first try it with one hand on your stomach and one on your chest. As you inhale gently, your lower hand should rise while your upper hand stays still. Continue this gentle breathing pattern with a relaxed attitude, concentrating on filling only the lower lungs.

Natural Breathing

1. Gently and slowly inhale a normal amount of air through your nose, filling only your lower lungs. (Your stomach will expand while your upper chest remains still.)
2. Exhale easily.
3. Continue this gentle breathing pattern with a relaxed attitude, concentrating on filling only the lower lungs.

As you see, this breathing pattern is opposite of that which comes automatically during anxious moments. Instead of breathing rapidly and shallowly into the upper lungs, which expands the chest, you breathe gently into the lower lungs, expanding the abdomen.

Calming Breath

The second technique is deep diaphragmatic breathing and can be used during times when you are feeling anxious or panicky. It is a powerful way to control hyperventilation, slow a rapid heartbeat and promote physical comfort. For this reason we will call it the Calming Breath.

Here's how it goes:

Calming Breath

1. Take a long, slow breath in through your nose, first filling your lower lungs, then your upper lungs.
2. Hold your breath to the count of "three."
3. Exhale slowly through pursed lips, while you relax the muscles in your face, jaw, shoulders, and stomach.

Practice this Calming Breath at least ten times a day for several weeks. Use it during times of transition, between projects or whenever you want to let go of tension and begin to experience a sense of calmness. This will help you become familiar and comfortable with the process.

And use it any time you begin to feel anxiety or panic building. When you need a tool to help you calm down during panic, you will be more familiar and comfortable with the process.

Calming Counts

The third technique is called Calming Counts. It has two benefits over Calming Breath.

First, it takes longer to complete: about 90 seconds instead of 30 seconds. You will be spending that time concentrating on a specific task instead of paying so much attention to your worried thoughts. If you can let time pass without such intense focus on your fearful thoughts, you will have a better chance at controlling those thoughts.

Second, Calming Counts, like Natural Breathing and the Calming Breath, help access the Calming Response. That means you will be giving yourself 90 seconds to cool your body out and quiet your thoughts. Then, after that time has passed, you will less anxious than you were.

Here's how this skill works:

Calming Counts

1. Sit comfortably.
2. Take a long, deep breath and exhale it slowly while saying the word "relax" silently.
3. Close your eyes.
4. Let yourself take ten natural, easy breaths. Count down with each exhale, starting with "ten."
5. This time, while you are breathing comfortably, notice any tensions, perhaps in your jaw or forehead or stomach. Imagine those tensions loosening.
6. When you reach "one," open your eyes again.

next: Step 4: Practice Your Breathing Skills
~ back to Anxieties Site homepage
~ anxiety-panic library articles
~ all anxiety disorders articles

Doubt is thought's despair; despair is personality's doubt. . .;
Doubt and despair . . . belong to completely different spheres; different sides of the soul are set in motion. . .
Despair is an expression of the total personality, doubt only of thought. -
Søren Kierkegaard

doubt 1 a : uncertainty of belief or opinion that often interferes with decision-making b : a deliberate suspension of judgment 2 : a state of affairs giving rise to uncertainty, hesitation, or suspense 3 a : a lack of confidence : DISTRUST b : an inclination not to believe or accept dis·or·der 1 : to disturb the order of 2 : to disturb the regular or normal functions of Definitions from Merriam-Webster Dictionary

"Lisa from New York"

Lisa's Battle with OCD

OCD first intruded into my life when I was a teenager. It began as obsessions with my body, primarily my nose and my weight. I couldn't stand the sight of my nose and I would wear sunglasses (even indoors) to cover up what I thought was a monstrosity of a face.

In my late teens, the obsessions with my appearance were replaced with gay obsessions. I suddenly had this intense fear that I was a lesbian and I questioned whether or not I was attracted to my female friends. These obsessions continued for a short period of time and were followed by a period that I call my "OCD remission."

It wasn't until my early 20's that OCD would rear its ugly head again into my relatively peaceful and happy existence. I am sharing my story because I want others to know that OCD is not just about washing, checking or other rituals. There is another horrific side to this illness, and I want others to know that they are not alone and should not feel shame for thoughts they cannot help. I was 22 when I found out that the man I called "Dad" was not my biological father. I was devastated and the stress from learning this information created a tailspin of intrusive, obsessive thoughts. At this time, I began to have deviant sexual obsessions, such as whether or not I could molest someone. I lived with this obsession for more than 3 years and it kept me from enjoying the people I loved most: children. I would have obsessions such as, "could I touch someone inappropriately?" and "am I a horrible person?" These thoughts I kept to myself because I didn't want anyone to think that I was an evil person. I endured this inner nightmare and sure enough these obsessions were replaced with others.

A few months ago, I had another intrusive thought about my boyfriend. The thought popped into my head as if someone had slammed me with a brick. I had an out-of-the-blue thought of stabbing my boyfriend, which spiraled into more obsessions of hurting others. I finally had had enough of intrusive thoughts and checked myself into the psychiatric unit of the local hospital. I was 26 at the time, and had been grappling with obsessive thoughts on and off for more than 10 years. It was at the hospital that I finally learned that I wasn't losing my mind and that I wasn't alone. OCD/Depression was my diagnosis and I was so relieved to learn that I wasn't some horrible person, rather it was the illness taking over my mind.

And that is why I am telling my story. For those of you reading, please know that you cannot control your obsessive thoughts and they are not a part of your moral character. It is a neurological illness that can be treated with medicine and therapy. Do not feel ashamed; get the help that you deserve and find the happiness in your life that has always been there, just unattainable because of this vicious illness. Take care and best wishes.

I am not a doctor, therapist or professional in the treatment of OCD. This site reflects my experience and my opinions only, unless otherwise stated. I am not responsible for the content of links I may point to or any content or advertising in HealthyPlace.com other then my own.

Always consult a trained mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment choice or changes in your treatment. Never discontinue treatment or medication without first consulting your physician, clinician or therapist.

Content of Doubt and Other Disorders
copyright ©1996-2009 All Rights Reserved

next: 'Tammy'
~ ocd library articles
~ all ocd related disorders articles

Doubt is thought's despair; despair is personality's doubt. . .;
Doubt and despair . . . belong to completely different spheres; different sides of the soul are set in motion. . .
Despair is an expression of the total personality, doubt only of thought. -
Søren Kierkegaard

doubt 1 a : uncertainty of belief or opinion that often interferes with decision-making b : a deliberate suspension of judgment 2 : a state of affairs giving rise to uncertainty, hesitation, or suspense 3 a : a lack of confidence : DISTRUST b : an inclination not to believe or accept dis·or·der 1 : to disturb the order of 2 : to disturb the regular or normal functions of Definitions from Merriam-Webster Dictionary

"Jennie"

I was first introduced to OCD through my son. I knew when he was very young that something was different about him, I just couldn't put my finger on it. It started out with food. He wouldn't eat fruit. Then he wouldn't eat vegetables. He is to the point now, where he will eat only peanut butter. He refuses to eat meat if there is any visible sign of fat on it.

When he was 5, he had a public toilet overflow after he flushed it. He was forever afraid of public toilets. Our family went on a 3-day vacation, and his fear of the toilet caused him to refrain from using the bathroom the entire time. He now gets frequent urinary tract infections due to this fear. Taking him out to the mall or a restaurant for dinner was always a nightmare, and he frequently wet and soiled his pants.

Then came the phone call from his first grade teacher. My son was brushing the dirt off of his chair every 20 minutes or so. In third grade, his teacher informed me that my son could not do his math if the books on the shelf were askew. She would have to let him organize the books so he would do his schoolwork. Sometimes he would have to pick up the dirt and pebbles by the entry to the classroom in order to do his schoolwork.

He refused to sleep under the covers on his bed, because he had made stacks of things all around the edge of his bed. He collected all sorts of things--rocks, wood, rusty metal, wire, funny papers, TFK Magazines (every one he had ever gotten in school!) His room had piles in every corner.

We finally sought treatment for OCD when his obsessive thoughts started interrupting his schoolwork. He was up at 3am doing schoolwork that he was worried over.

After getting treatment for my son, I became familiar with OCD. I realized that I had some symptoms, also, but I was not ready to go to the Psychiatrist. I knew I was quirky, but I could live with it.

My biggest problem is piles all over the house. I just can't throw anything away, not even junk mail. After all, I might need the paper to start a fire one day when there is no heat or electricity in the dead of winter. I finally went to the doctor because I was suffering from severe depression, due to the clutter in my house, and my inability to keep up with any of the housework. I was sleeping most of the day, and crying most of the time I was awake.

When I filled out the personal survey form, my doctor informed me that I had OCD. He put me on Zoloft. I am now taking 150mg a day. I feel so much better, now. I didn't realize how profoundly OCD had been affecting my life until I started getting better.

I saved bags and bags full of plastic Wal-Mart bags--just in case I ever needed them.

I saved every lid off of every juice bottle, squeeze bottle, frozen juice can, and milk jug I purchased.

I saved every glass jar.

I saved every recyclable plastic container--which are still in my garage, by the way.

I had saved bags and bags full of dryer lint. I don't know why, I just thought I might need it one day.

I had boxes and boxes in the garage filled with nothing but boxes. I saved every one.

I saved every paper that every one of my four children ever did in school. I have several boxes in the attic just full of papers.

I saved the disposable lids off of fountain drinks that you buy at the gas station. I also saved all the straws.

I saved every tin can I ever bought. I washed them, removed the labels, and saved them in the garage.

I washed and found a place to put all of these things. My house was very crowded and cluttered.

I had organized all 150 of our videos--they were in alphabetical order, separated as to the company that produced it, and written down on a sheet of paper to keep track of them. I had placed a sticker on the spine of each one with an assigned number and category (action/adventure, comedy, animation, documentary......)

I had to check all the locks in the house 3 times before going to bed. I had to pray that my husband who works nights would get home safely and not die in a car accident on the way home. If he was 30 minutes late and didn't call, I was sure that every ring of the telephone was the State Police with devastating news. I had to pull all the covers off of the bed and check for bugs. If I went to bed without doing these things, I couldn't sleep and I would have to get up and do them so I could sleep.

I would lock the doors of my car at every stoplight, even if they were already locked.

If I went shopping alone, I was always afraid of being attacked. I didn't like to go to parties or get-togethers anymore, because I talk too much and I can't shut up. I know I annoy people. I would just rather stay home.

I used to love to garden, it brought me tremendous pleasure. I found myself avoiding it because my arachnophobia had escalated to the fear of not only spiders, but any kind of insect (except butterflies and ladybugs). Every time I gardened, I ran into a bug of some kind, and it scared me to death.

I didn't always have OCD. I was very sick during the pregnancy of my last baby. I was severely dehydrated. I was in the hospital on I.V.'s for a month, and at home on I.V.'s for another 6 weeks. When I finally got to the point where I could keep food down, I developed gestational diabetes. My baby weighed over 10 pounds. She was my 4th child, and after being in bed for 3 months, my muscles were shot. It was very painful to stand or walk. I was in a lot of pain every day for the last 5 months, and in a wheel chair the last month. When she was born, I hemorrhaged. It took a long time to build back all the blood I had lost, but I had given my doctor specific instructions NOT to give me blood unless I would absolutely die without it. I didn't want AIDS.

I guess being that sick drained my brain. I started saving things, my house became a mess, I was always depressed and overwhelmed. I kept thinking I'd get better, or get over it, but the symptoms just got progressively worse. I am back to my old self again. I am not completely cured, but I have started throwing a lot of those crazy things I saved away. Saving those things had consumed so much of my time! It still hurts to throw the milk jug lids away, but every one I throw out is a win for me.

If I sound like you or anyone you know, please go and see the doctor. You owe it to yourself and to your family. I wasted almost 5 years of my life suffering with this illness, because "only crazy people go to the psychiatrist." If it's embarrassing to you, then you are the only person who has to know--but DO get help.

Jennie

I am not a doctor, therapist or professional in the treatment of OCD. This site reflects my experience and my opinions only, unless otherwise stated. I am not responsible for the content of links I may point to or any content or advertising in HealthyPlace.com other then my own.

Always consult a trained mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment choice or changes in your treatment. Never discontinue treatment or medication without first consulting your physician, clinician or therapist.

Content of Doubt and Other Disorders
copyright ©1996-2009 All Rights Reserved

next: 'Kerri'
~ ocd library articles
~ all ocd related disorders articles

Doubt is thought's despair; despair is personality's doubt. . .;
Doubt and despair . . . belong to completely different spheres; different sides of the soul are set in motion. . .
Despair is an expression of the total personality, doubt only of thought. -
Søren Kierkegaard

doubt 1 a : uncertainty of belief or opinion that often interferes with decision-making b : a deliberate suspension of judgment 2 : a state of affairs giving rise to uncertainty, hesitation, or suspense 3 a : a lack of confidence : DISTRUST b : an inclination not to believe or accept dis·or·der 1 : to disturb the order of 2 : to disturb the regular or normal functions of Definitions from Merriam-Webster Dictionary

"Denice"

In 1995 I was a senior in college. I was excellent student, some would say driven. I was outgoing, flamboyant, friendly, gregarious, risk-taking. During the fall semester I found myself not attending class, crying all the time, looking at the ground. I could not make decisions or carry on conversations. I could not decide what to eat or where to sit or what to do with myself. I was totally paralyzed form the inside out. I heard only loud noises reverberating in my brain. I shouted at myself all the time just to keep the noise out, just to drown out the white noise in my head. I felt like I was sharing brain space with a roaring lion. I could not sleep as I would think that a flaming big mac truck would run me over, in spite of my location on the third floor. I could not drive as I feared getting into accidents. I daydreamed that my family died and I went to their funerals. Things on the side of the road were on fire and cars blew up before my eyes. It was a bizarre time in my life as I felt I was loosing my mind. My sanity. I thought I was going crazy.

I have been diagnosed with major depression and OCD.

Most recently my OCD has manifested itself in a slightly different way. I could not merge or turn left in the car as I felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety and horror. I could not sleep. I repeated everything to everyone, as if they had forgotten it the world would blow up. I checked my alarm clock a gazillion times before I went to bed. If my husband would not check it for me, I would stay awake until he went asleep so I could check it without him getting mad. I always had to know where all my things were at all times; I would count my water glasses, my silverware, my plates. I had to be able to put my hands on or visualize the location of my wallet and my keys. I was antisocial and agoraphobic as I felt that strangers stared at me all of the time. Like God marked me with a blue halo or something. I had a gazillion back up plans: what if I cannot go to the grocery store because there is traffic? what if I cannot go down this street on my way to work? what if it snows tomorrow and I cannot leave the house? what if I don't have milk at home? I had a plan for each of these things, and a plan in case the back up plan went bad. My mind was obsessed with certainty, predictability, precision, accuracy, perfection.

It is a daily struggle not be overwhelmed with the details of life. To learn what thoughts are rational and irrational, to accept that there are some things in the world (many things, actually) that I can not control. That I will never control. I have learned to accept that medication and therapy make me a stronger, better person, better wife, better daughter. I am still learning to trust myself, trust my instinct, trust that if handed a situation (like what to do when there is not milk for cereal) I can successfully deal with it on the fly. Without a plan.

I wish that some people would understand that the human condition is diverse and robust. I wish that people would not make fun of psychiatric medications and I wish that people would understand that I cannot "just stop", despite my best efforts. I wish that I would be bored, that I could relax, that I could put aside the lists and the thoughts and the plans and just sit on my front lawn and watch the world go by. Or to pick up a book at 2 PM on Saturday afternoon and just read... read until my eyes hurt!

Thanks for listening, World. Deep down inside I know that I am not so strange after all.

-Denice

I am not a doctor, therapist or professional in the treatment of OCD. This site reflects my experience and my opinions only, unless otherwise stated. I am not responsible for the content of links I may point to or any content or advertising in HealthyPlace.com other then my own.

Always consult a trained mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment choice or changes in your treatment. Never discontinue treatment or medication without first consulting your physician, clinician or therapist.

Content of Doubt and Other Disorders
copyright ©1996-2009 All Rights Reserved

next: 'Fred'
~ ocd library articles
~ all ocd related disorders articles