A mother to daughter letter discussing the emotional tug-of-war they play.

Dear Kristen,

You are in Caribou right now with Grandma and Grandpa. I've savored the quiet time that's been so rare since your birth, but I miss you. We struggle a lot, you and I. We argue far more than I would have ever imagined possible, when I first held you in my arms not so long ago. How stubborn we both can be, and you, my golden eyed beauty, possess such a mighty will! All too often my frustration gets the best of me when we're playing emotional tug-of-war. Sometimes I just want to let go and watch you fall backwards, propelled by your own obstinate weight. I get so angry and discouraged!

During my finer moments, (they don't seem to come as often as they used to) I'm able to recognize the strength of character that I've typically mistaken for hard-headedness. At these rare times, I can appreciate how well your sense of conviction has, and will continue to serve you. Have I told you lately that I admire you? I want to spend less time struggling to control and more time simply savoring you - all of you - the bitter and the sweet.

I recall a story about an unhappy young girl who went to a wise woman and cried, "with all the pain in the world, the sadness, and the hatred, why doesn't God send help!!!" The woman smiled gently, caressed the child's cheek, and replied, "God did little one. He sent you."

I love that story. It reminds me of how helpless and insignificant so many of us were made to feel as children. The truth is that we each have enormous importance and worth. Every one of us is born with a unique gift to bring to the world. It's then up to us to choose whether or not to offer it.

How much harder it must be for children to recognize their gifts when they're so often confronted with what they should not, better not, and cannot do. You've already received far too many messages about limitations from me. I want to present you with a universe of possibilities, and remind you that your life is as significant as any life has been or will ever be...

Love, Mom

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next:Another Close Call

You may have come across one of these on your daily walk to class, and surely you have seen one at an off-campus house party. They resemble something you encounter at malls across the country, yet they're animate. You may have thought what you saw was just a girl wearing an absurd amount of makeup and donning whatever Kate Moss was draped in that week, but it was, in fact, a walking manikin: fake on the outside, fake on the inside.

Aesthetics increase our visual pleasure, yet they do little else. They don't attract guys or girls who care about your personality; they care only about your appearance. Unbeknownst to those who believe looks are everything, catching an eye is not the same as catching a heart.

America's material culture distances us from not only the rest of the world, but from our fellow Americans as well, and more directly, our peers here at Santa Clara. Money worship has more followers in the States than our religions. Part of this snowballing movement toward the lust of things is the fault of corporate America and well-targeted advertising campaigns that succeed in making anorexia and the Uggs/skirt ensemble look sexy. But most of it is the fault of the manikins themselves. They believe, whether they are conscious of it or not, that it's not about who you are, but what you are.

Sigmund Freud's classic work, "Civilization and Its Discontents," helps illustrate what is causing this trend. The book can be summarized in one sentence: The more civilization progresses, the more unhappy we become. As a result of this, we acquire things in an attempt to add value to our lives. As any practical and rational person can see, a practice like this is utterly ridiculous.

The practical and rational person would seek out love, companionship, and the like which yield long-term benefits, rather than shopping sprees which provide a high tantamount to that of a crack addict's. Needless to say, crack addicts experience short-term elation in an attempt to achieve a permanent elation that will always elude them.

Our world today is so enamored with things that we have become blind to what truly matters, mainly other people and our relationships with them. As cliché as that sounds, it holds more water than an $1,800 Louis Vuitton tote.

We gravitate toward expensive cars, designer clothes, and unattainable body types like flies to a lit candle. And while the flies attraction may be fatal, our society's attraction to aesthetics points to perhaps an even greater problem: we cannot accept ourselves exactly how we are. The evidence for this is all around us in the form of breast implants, botox injections and industrial size buckets of makeup splashed upon our friends' faces. No amount of makeup can cover up what someone is lacking inside. As soon as all women- and men- realize this, relationships and our world will have more substance.

Everything has beauty. The key is being able to find it.

By Harry Beckwith

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"Codependence causes us to have a distorted and repressed emotional process, and the only way out is through the feelings. Codependence gives us a scrambled mind, a reversed dysfunctional way of looking at ourselves and the world, and we have to be able to use the wonderful tool that is our mind while changing our attitudes and reprogramming our thinking. It seems awfully complicated, doesn't it? That is because it is! On another level, it is also very simple. It is a Spiritual Dis-ease. It can only be healed through a Spiritual Cure. It cannot be healed by only looking at the symptoms. That is backwards.

The cure is available through surrendering control to a Higher Power. We cannot do this healing by ourselves. We need a Loving Higher Power in our lives. We need other Recovering people in our lives."

"Everything is unfolding perfectly from a Cosmic Perspective! There are no accidents, no coincidences, no mistakes! You are perfectly where you are supposed to be on your Path. You always have been and always will be!

The God-Force is powerful enough to get us to where we are supposed to be with or without our help! We do not have the power to screw up the Great Spirits plan.

What we do have is the option of making it easier on ourselves. The goal in Recovery is not to become perfect. The goal is to make life an easier, more enjoyable experience.

The way I think of it is that my Higher Power works with the carrot and stick approach: like a mule driver trying to get a mule moving, he can either dangle a carrot in front of the mule and get the mule moving after the carrot, or he can take a stick and beat him until he gets moving.

It is a lot easier on me to follow the carrots that my Higher Power dangles in front of me than to force the Universe to use a stick to get me moving. Either way I am going to get to where the Universe wants me - but the carrot method is a lot easier on me.

The more that I do my healing, the clearer I get on receiving the messages - the more I get to follow the carrots instead of experiencing the stick. The dance of Recovery is a process of starting to Love ourselves enough to start changing life into an easier, more enjoyable experience."

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"So what I am saying is not that you are doing something wrong if you are not happy with your life. I am saying, "Hey, this is the reason that doing life the way we were taught doesn't work - it is not our fault!" I am saying, "Hey, there are answers, there is hope. We have new tools now - and they work! Isn't that great news?"

This healing process works. It works miraculously because in aligning with Truth we come into harmony with the universal laws of energy interaction. We learn to go with the natural healthy flow instead of being at war with it. We learn to Love and accept ourselves instead of being at war within."

"Part of the reason for being here was to experience being human. We have all lived multiple lifetimes. We have all experienced every facet of being human. We are now, not just healing our wounds from this lifetime, we are doing Karmic settlement - on a massive scale, at a very accelerated rate."

"Karma is the Loving, wonderful law of energy interaction which governs human interaction. Like the other levels of Universal Law, it is about cause and effect. In this case, "what you sow, you reap. Karmic Law dictates that every action of cause on the Physical Plane is paid for with a consequence of effect on the Physical Plane. In other words, no one can end up in the hole, or in some hell in an afterlife. (Hell is here on earth, and we have all experienced it already.)"

"This is not home. This is also not a prison. This is boarding school and we are getting ready for graduation. And it is all a perfect part of the Divine Script.

We are here to experience this human evolutionary process. The more we awaken to the Truth of who we are (Spiritual beings) and why we are here (to experience being human), and stop giving power to the false gods of money, property and prestige; people, places and things; the more we can celebrate being here!

Buddha had it half right: We need to let go of our attachment to the illusions of this Illusion. But as we stop giving power to the illusions, we can begin to celebrate being here, we can begin to enjoy our human experience.

This is a playground, this is a wonderful summer camp. It is full of beautiful colors and wondrous sights, animals and birds and plants, mountains and oceans and meadows, whales and butterflies. It is full of tastes and smells and sounds and sensations."

"A "state of Grace" is the condition of being Loved unconditionally by our Creator without having to earn that Love. We are Loved unconditionally by the Great Spirit. What we need to do is to learn to accept that state of Grace. The way we do that is to change the attitudes and beliefs within us that tell us that we are not Lovable."

"One of the ironies of this whole business is something that physicists have learned from quantum physics. They have learned that the physical world is made up of energy fields that are temporary manifestations of energy interactions. All of the energy fields of the physical world are temporary. Some last for fractions of a second, some last for billions of years - but they are all temporary illusions.

This means that the Truest reality in the physical world is in the interaction. It is in our interactions that we can access Truth and Joy and Love. In other words it is in our relationships.

The most real thing here, the place where the highest Truth exists, is in the interactions: in our relationships. Our relationship with ourselves is a reflection of our relationship with our Creator, with the Great Spirit. And our relationship with ourselves is reflected out into our relationship with everyone and everything in our environment.

Spirituality is about relationships. God exists in the quality of our relationships.

When I look at a beautiful sunset I am a temporary illusion and the sunset is also a temporary illusion the most real, God-like quality is the energy of Beauty and Joy that I allow myself to access by being open and willing to experience the sunset. If I am caught up in one of my ego's "trauma dramas," then I will not be conscious of the sunset or open to experiencing the Joy and Beauty of the moment.

A very important part of this healing process is taking time to smell the flowers. Our job is to be here in the now and to do this healing.

I spent most of my life trying to become - perfect, loved, accepted, respected, etc., etc. It did not work because I was looking outside for something that can only be found within.

Now I know that I am not in control of this process and that what I am becoming is in the hands of a Loving (although somewhat slow-working) Great Spirit. I do not have to worry anymore about becoming - all I have to do is be. I just have to suit up and show up for life today and do what is in front of me. And everything will work out better than I could ever have planned it.

There are no accidents, no coincidences - everything is unfolding perfectly."

next: Mystical Metaphysical Spirituality

Oh Mind, it is so easy to sink back into the mire of unawareness. The emotions and senses can make the world seem enticing, to then draw you out of the Loving state of awareness instantly if you are prone to desires or attachment. You must train yourself in the science of awareness. Not like a science of the physical world, but the spiritual science of cultivated discipline empowered by Love and honor. You must stay with me as much as your duty will allow. Tell me! what part of your day is spent in required concentration, and how much of your day is spent in worry or useless chatter or other activity. How much of your day is spent in mundane and useless thoughts. Gather up all of the time that does not belong to your daily duty and spend it with me. I will empower you to be courageous and confident. I will grant you wisdom. I can ensure your well being.

Oh Mind, listen very attentively. So often in the mundane thoughts of unawareness, you would be tempted to say, "I am sad", but you are never sadness, You are never sad. This type of thinking is wrong and extends a lifetime of illusive suffering. Does silver lose its luster in a room without light? Does it become something different in the dark? If it could, it would never say.. "I am darkness.", but rather... "There is darkness." Equally, does a person become the night under a starless sky.

Oh Mind, why would you say "I am sad", when only a darkness is being cast over you. It is not real to say anything other than, "I am... the Heart" always... on and on regardless of the circumstance. You use those other terms so loosely, blind to the real implication of their use. Without a second thought, you cast a net of deception over yourself and struggle overly and unnecessarily. Don't bring that which is false into your life.

Do not foster a way of thinking that keeps understanding and freedom away from you. To identify yourself with all these countless qualities will only see you lost as in a mirror maze... What is me?... Where is me?... Who is the real me? Never would you know where your truth shall lie. Consider also that you would never need to say... "I am thirsty, I am sad, I am tired" You never need to say... "I am lonely, I am confused or I am angry". Without a doubt, there may be times when the body shall be thirsty or requires sleep. There may be times when feelings of sadness and loneliness are present. Confusion and anger can also dog you, but you are never any of these. You do not have to take on these qualities and proclaim that you are them by the use of ... "I am..." ( that quality).

Do you worry? Does this thinking bring forth any plans that re-establish and maintain a good life? Why be involved in repetitive thinking that goes nowhere; produces no change, and promotes anxiety? You shall dive into the depths of illusion and drown in that feeling. You will lose clarity; hope; and your precious and tender faith can be eroded. If you find you have immersed yourself in such ways, then hold your breath and glide back to the surface... to the true reality of expanded awareness. Breathe easy in the light.

"I am the Heart... I am the Heart... I am the Heart."

This thinking has purpose and merit for you. Any other use of the phrase "I am..." becomes redundant when you truly absorb its meaning through its repetition and contemplation. If you do engage in worry, that thinking will only transport you to the days without understanding. If you engage in the ways that bring despair, and anxiety, then you have chosen to take on these qualities.

Without you saying any words, by your actions you have said... "I am sadness... I am despair... I am pain", but because there is no awareness when sinking into such states, the illusions of life continue to be sustained. This only serves to make life falsely appear to be bitter; cruel; without sense. Your true child-like Love then becomes enshrouded, and your faith is cast aside.

Oh Mind, the maze would dissolve forever upon the permanent realization that to say "I am the Heart", would be your highest Truth. Regardless of the situation, there is only one reflection worthy of identification that can truly be of service to you. There is only one train of thought that has any merit. Resign your residence from the world of illusion once and for all. Identify only with me.

"I am the Heart... I am the Heart... I am the Heart."

The invalid expressions of consciousness only serve to keep you entangled in subtle illusions preventing you from crossing over the fine line into the living Truth.

For yourself, the use of "I am..." is only valid when it is completed by saying "the Heart."

Are you feeling afraid?

"I am the Heart"

Are you feeling lost?

"I am the Heart"

Are you feeling weary?

"I am the Heart"

Are you feeling sad?

"I am the Heart"

This, and your duty is all you have to remember.

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Oh Heart, grant me the stillness that shall reveal your many secret gifts. Send me the blessings that bring stillness so that the living silence can be revealed in all its splendor.

Kindle my Heart with the flame of your Love.

Somewhere the embers still glow.

Brighten my mind with the radiance of Truth.

Kindle my Heart and let me Love again. Bring me to know all the ways of your Love.

Teach me that I might know joy.

Open my mind to a life never known.

Touch me and bring me back home.

Guide me through that which I need to be sure.

Teach me so I know myself.

Show me that I never need be afraid.

To go ahead and leave behind old ways.

Oh Heart; yes...I can feel the truth in your gifted phrase to me. It rings of hope and truth. It radiates comfort and faith. It is somehow more than it seems.

Oh mind, when you choose to remember me in this way, maintain a powerful awareness of the meaning of what you are saying. Remember how I have described my abundant self through the limitation of language that I am infinite compassion, tender and soft, yet pure and strong like chaste steel. I am faith trust and courage. I am perfect patience. I am unattainable and stainless and always content in myself.

There is nothing that I seek for I am complete and whole. Joy does not change me. Sorrow does not move me. Forever I am content within myself. I am the living silence that moves about the world, yet apart from the world, and I constantly whisper my truth and my Love to all beings that they may be given the choice of freedom... that they may come to know me and come to want me.

I however do not want, and I cannot be burdened. I am the preserver of duty... of righteousness... of self respect and obedience. I am the qualities that maintain purity and the love of discipline. I am the gardener that plants the healthy seed and I am the nurturing rain. I am the fire that consumes the dead wood. I can draw you into me for my Love is irresistible. I am the silent witness. I am the rock. I am everything, and I can only give. Are not these the qualities that you would wish for yourself ?

Oh mind, they are all there but lie buried beneath layers of worldliness and illusion. Be free! ... be totally free! It is only the thinking and choices born of these layers that make life seem devoid of true purpose, compassion and sense. But a life born from the center flower of the Heart can only bloom for you.

Oh Mind, search for the experience of these words. Do what you must to make these words come alive in you. Nurture them, guard them from the many thieving brothers of the ego.

You MUST guard them!!!... You MUST guard them!!!

Come to me many times in silence. Oh Mind, I do not ask you to only come to me when you are anxious or despondent. Share also your happiness and joys with me. Equally you can make an offering of any part of your life to me. I am always here for you. Tell me you Love me when you are feeling sad. Tell me you Love me when you are feeling happy. Tell me you Love me when there is serenity and peace.

Such offerings contain incredible merit, and the Supreme Silence would never never ignore you. It is an illusion to imagine yourself as an unheard voice. The prayer that is born of the quietened Mind, makes every atom in the Cosmos resonate in sympathy with your thoughts of Love. Cultivated remembrance of me will deliver you from a legion of tormentors, and you will come to know that the peaceful ways of the Heart will make you mighty and victorious. With ease you will turn your back on the things that you would so easily have succumbed to. There will be mastery over illusions to make your life abundant; prosperous; rich in the things of the Heart. Wisdom will be yours, and dreams will come true since your very own beloved dreams will be my very own beloved dreams.

Oh Mind, trust me... whatever happens...trust me. Trust that I shall truly be with you. Trust that I truly have the power to affect real and great changes in your life. Go over all these words of mine time and time again. I have given you much to contemplate.

Oh mind, if you aspire to reaching the summit of Love, hang on to the silence I give you. Pray for grace and only be concerned about going forward. I want so much for you to be like me. I dearly long to see the day when you shine as radiant as a million Suns.

Stay with the Heart...

to become like the Heart...

to become the Heart.

Stay with me. Remember me. Believe that you are not different from me. I leave you now with great Respect and Love, and let you continue your life again aided by my Loving gifts to you. Look after them with great diligence. Love them tenderly, Honour them reverently, and Cherish them with all your being. Remember me and remember Love.

May the words of Love always be on your lips in everything you say, and may the ways of Love always be in everything you do. I am the Heart and I always speak the Truth, and I Love you Perfectly. I will Protect you.

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Oh Heart... you have given me everything, what can I give you in return.

To you I offer my life. No one makes me do this, I give it you of my own free will.

There is only Love and I have nothing to fear.

Love you give to me, I'll return to you.

Life you give to me, I will live for you.

Dreams you give to me, I will follow through.

Faith you give to me, will make my dreams come true.

Silently calling my heart, teaching the ways of my truth.

Opening doors to my soul, living in beautiful light.

Songs you give to me, I will sing for you.

Peace you bring to me, will fill my songs of you.

Blessed by your Love I am home,

safe in the arms of your Love.

Rich in the things of the Heart,

All that I need shall be mine.

Love you give to me, I'll return to you.

Life you give to me, I will live for you.

As you return to your abode of peace, I cry out the final words of this blessed meeting of ours. Let me go one step beyond being devoted. Let me go one step beyond being a seeker of the Truth... beyond being a follower of the Truth. Let me be a servant of the Truth.

Farewell... yet not farewell.... I await your silence.

Download a free copy in Adobe PDF format for yourself

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In-depth information on alternative treatments, herbal treatments for Alzheimer's disease (AD).

• Preventing the Development of Alzheimer's Disease
• Alternative Treatments for Alzheimer's Disease
• Alternative Treatment Strategy for Alzheimer's Disease
• Important Information About Herbal Treatments
• Harmful Substances in Herbal Products
• Ginkgo Biloba For Treating Alzheimer's Disease
• Ginseng for Treating Alzheimer's Disease
• Huperzine A for Treatment of Alzheimer's Disease
• Ma Huang for Treatment of Alzheimer's Disease

 

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next: Preventing the Development of Alzheimer's Disease

Thoughtful quotes about gratitude and wonder.

Words of Wisdom

"We seldom think of what we have but always what we lack." (Schopenhauer)

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things only hoped for." (Epicurus)

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life... It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow." (Melody Beattie)

"The more I wonder, the more I love." (Alice Walker)

"We teach our children how to measure, how to weigh. We fail to teach them how to revere, how to sense wonder and awe. The sense of the sublime, the sign of the inward greatness of the human soul and something which is potentially given to all men, is now a rare gift." (Abraham Joshua Herschel)

"Do our experiences become more marvelous with age or is it just that we don't realize when they occur how really beautiful and precious they are? (Joseph Campbell)

"Don't think: Look!" (Wittgenstein)

"There are two things to aim at in life: First, to get what you want, and after that, to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind achieve the second." (Logan Pearsall Smith)

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"Life is a great bundle of little things." (Oliver Wendell Holmes)

"This world, after all our science and sciences, is still a miracle; wonderful, inscrutable, magical and more, to whosoever will think of it." (Thomas Carlyle)

"We ought to dance with rapture that we should be alive, and in the flesh, and part of the living, incarnate cosmos." (D.H. Lawrence)

"The world will never starve for want of wonders." (G. K. Chesterson)

"I think one must finally take one's life is one's arms." (Arthur Miller)

"We ourselves cannot put any magic spell on this world. The world is its own magic." (Suzuki Roshi)

"We have buried so much of the delicate magic of life." (D.H. Lawrence)

"The moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself." (Henry Miller)

"If the only prayer you say in your whole life is 'thank you,' that would suffice." (Meister Eckhart)

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doubt 1 a : uncertainty of belief or opinion that often interferes with decision-making b : a deliberate suspension of judgment 2 : a state of affairs giving rise to uncertainty, hesitation, or suspense 3 a : a lack of confidence : DISTRUST b : an inclination not to believe or accept dis·or·der 1 : to disturb the order of 2 : to disturb the regular or normal functions of Definitions from Merriam-Webster Dictionary   Most of us are about as eager to be changed as we were to be born, and go through our changes in a similar state of shock. James Baldwin (1924 - 87), U.S. author

I am recovering from addiction, or alcoholism if you prefer ( alcohol being just the last of a long line of drugs I used), on the 12 step path. I do not speak for any of the fellowships. What I write here and on my other pages is just my experience. Take it for what it is worth. There are other paths of recovery from addiction, but I cannot speak of those not having any experience that I can pass on.

Good. The disclaimer is done. Let us move on to the good stuff.

Whenever I give a talk or share my experiences with newcomers, I am almost always a little hesitant to share what my early recovery was like. My experience of early recovery, say the first 18 months or so, was not pretty nor very typical. I am Dual Diagnosed. In other words I am an addict and mentally ill with OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder). "Self-medicating," using alcohol and other drugs in part to mask the symptoms of OCD, kept me out there a long time after I knew I was an alcoholic. When I stopped drinking, the disorder I live with and just being newly sober and emotionally raw, made life very difficult. My marriage fell apart, I lost my job, had no place to live that I could call my own. All the stuff that is supposed to happen before you get sober. Things were so difficult for me my sponsor once announced to my home group that if I ever had a good day I would relapse. Only partly joking I believe.

Looking back, he might not have been too far off the mark. There have been times when the thought of going through all of that again (early recovery) has kept me sober. I think in many ways I am more afraid of that then of drinking again. All of that emotional turmoil, the pain and the rapid unraveling of the structure of my life, once glued together by my drinking, left me only one place to go to be OK. That was to the tables (that's what we call meetings in this part of the world).

Why didn't I just drink?

I am not sure I really know. I suppose, as we say," It works if you work it". Nothing major had happened at the point I got sober. I had not been arrested, my job was not in danger, nothing had occurred like that. I was just tired, tired of drinking in the dark. I was tired of just existing in this bleak winter world on which I lived. I was not living I was just existing.

I had tried everything else to find some measure of peace. I had tried marriage, religion, therapy, career changes and nothing had helped. I did not get sober to be happy. I tried sobriety to be just OK.

I knew I could always just go back to drinking, so I would stick it out just one more day. The chaos and pain of the change, forced me to embrace the program or drink.

I sought out those I saw around the program and fellowship that appeared to be OK or even happy and I asked them what they had done to get there. I then tried what they had.

I heard many things around the tables and still do, with which I do not agree. I try not to dismiss anything out of hand. I will just file it away as something that might be useful later.

I also sought outside help for my ocd diagnosis. The program does what it is intended to do very well but it is not a cureall. It does help keep me in a place where I can live with the other disorder and so does help with that in that fashion. Staying clean and sober and being clean and sober are just part of the program of recovery that I try to practice in my daily life. Without sobriety I would have no hope.

What I have been doing has, so far, proven successful. I have not picked up a drink since the day I walked through the doors to my first meeting, over 11 years ago. I am still mentally ill. Today, however, unless I choose otherwise I am OK.

That's enough for now. This page and the others here will be always changing as the mood strikes me. It is my hope that I will be able to carry the message that has, not just saved my life, but given me a life.

I am not a doctor, therapist or professional in the treatment of OCD. This site reflects my experience and my opinions only, unless otherwise stated. I am not responsible for the content of links I may point to or any content or advertising in HealthyPlace.com other then my own. Always consult a trained mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment choice or changes in your treatment. Never discontinue treatment or medication without first consulting your physician, clinician or therapist. Content of Doubt and Other Disorders copyright ©1996-2002 All Rights Reserved

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think 1 : to form or have in the mind 2 : to have as an intention (thought to return early) 3 : to have as an opinion (think it's so) Definitions from Merriam-Webster Dictionary

A man whose mind feels that it is captive would prefer to blind himself to the fact.
But if he hates falsehood, he will not do so; and in that case he will have to suffer a lot.
He will beat his head against the wall until he faints.
He will come to again and look with terror at the wall, until one day he begins afresh to beat his head against it; and once again he will faint.
And so on endlessly and without hope.
One day he will wake up on the other side of the wall.
- Simone Weil

Thursday, May 31, 2001

In the Beginning -my first experience of OCD

Wednesday, May 24, 2000

Some thoughts on Isolation

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I am not a doctor, therapist or professional in the treatment of OCD. This site reflects my experience and my opinions only, unless otherwise stated. I am not responsible for the content of links I may point to or any content or advertising in HealthyPlace.com other then my own.

Always consult a trained mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment choice or changes in your treatment. Never discontinue treatment or medication without first consulting your physician, clinician or therapist.

Content of Doubt and Other Disorders
copyright ©1996-2009 All Rights Reserved

next: Isolation
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"I also saw the awful agonies that Tantalus has to bear. The old man was standing in a pool of water which nearly reached his chin, and his thirst drove him to unceasing efforts; but he could never get a drop to drink. For whenever he stooped in his eagerness to lap the water, it disappeared. The pool was swallowed up, and all he saw at his feet was the dark earth, which some mysterious power had parched. Trees spread their foliage high over the pool and dangle fruits above his head --pear-trees and pomegranates, apple-trees with their glossy burden, sweet figs and luxuriant olives. But whenever the old man tried to grasp them in his hands, the wind would toss them up towards the shadowy clouds."

[Odysseus. Homer, Odyssey 11.584]

isolation : the action of isolating : the condition of being isolated isolate 1 : a product of isolating : an individual, population, or kind obtained by or resulting from selection or separation 2 : an individual socially withdrawn or removed from society Definitions from Merriam-Webster Dictionary

Isolation

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the isolation that can come about from living with OCD.

For many of us with severe or extreme symptoms, we live locked in our own worlds and rarely, if ever, venture out.

I have gone through lengthy periods where I almost never leave my apartment unless absolutely necessary. My primary "social" contacts were through this computer. That is a very lonely existence. Having this computer, and what it could bring me in terms of contact with others, was really a two-edged sword. While it relieved some of the isolation, it also enabled the furthering of my physical isolation by giving me enough that I didn't have much motivation to seek out "skin on" or 3D contact. There were actually times where I had no physical contact, no matter how slight, with another human being for months at a time. That is an exercise in deprivation I don't recommend to anyone. After that length of time without any touching, a simple handshake becomes a powerful sensual experience. I think it is true that we actually need physical contact with other people.

It was after just such an experience that I realized that I had to get out and interact with the world no matter how much anxiety that produces. I had stopped living and was reduced to just existing. And that lets the OCD win. I cannot allow that. So out I go. And yes, it produces anxiety - every time. But it is preferable to being that alone.

One of the things I did to make getting out more doable was that I found an activity that was something I once enjoyed. I have discovered I still do. And since it involves other people, it, of course, triggers off my OCD on a regular basis. That's difficult but it is not the hardest part. For me, the hardest part is my perceived and continuing isolation and feelings of being separate.

I watch the people I am around going about everyday things without thinking. Simple things, like sitting in a chair without checking it out, deciding if it is safe, not having the thought enter their mind. I watch them with their casual touching of one another, apparently without much notice. I watch them walk across a room without being cautious about where they step, not even being concerned. I spend my time hyper alert, always being aware of what every part of my body is touching, of where everything and everyone is and what they have touched. And I am so envious. What it must be like to live that free. And most of them have no idea of what a gift that level of unawareness is. How free they are to not live in this nightmare world that I see all around me. Everything I want is embodied in that freedom. And it is just there, in front of me and infinitely far away. Tantalus in his pool understands.

There was a time in my life, long ago, when I lived that free. And the constant exposure to what I no longer have produces an ongoing sense of loss, even grief; for all that I have lost and for all that will never be. I am separate, separated from life by irrational fears, a product of a disordered biological process beyond my control. This is what I find the most difficult.

I keep going out there. I have made a new friend or two. And some days, I am less aware than others of this feeling of separation, this isolating process in me. There is improvement; life does seem closer at times. I don't know if this feeling of isolation will ever really pass. But the alternative, true isolation, and being totally alone is certainly worse. And in reality those other people do not see me as separate though, perhaps, they do see me as a bit idiosyncratic.

So I continue to try and grab as much as I can each day and try not to think about more then that. Some days I can and some days I can't. And I have bad days and dark nights with depression a close companion. But I have good days too. If all I look at is what I don't have and will never have then I will not make it. I will give up and that thought frightens me. I don't want to live the rest of my life alone and the only way to do that is to not isolate and deal with all the fears, feelings and concerns that brings up as they come up. It is work but what is the alternative?

Just some thoughts. Wednesday, May 24, 2000

I am not a doctor, therapist or professional in the treatment of OCD. This site reflects my experience and my opinions only, unless otherwise stated. I am not responsible for the content of links I may point to or any content or advertising in HealthyPlace.com other then my own.

Always consult a trained mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment choice or changes in your treatment. Never discontinue treatment or medication without first consulting your physician, clinician or therapist.

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Doubt is thought's despair; despair is personality's doubt. . .;
Doubt and despair . . . belong to completely different spheres; different sides of the soul are set in motion. . .
Despair is an expression of the total personality, doubt only of thought. -
Søren Kierkegaard

doubt 1 a : uncertainty of belief or opinion that often interferes with decision-making b : a deliberate suspension of judgment 2 : a state of affairs giving rise to uncertainty, hesitation, or suspense 3 a : a lack of confidence : DISTRUST b : an inclination not to believe or accept dis·or·der 1 : to disturb the order of 2 : to disturb the regular or normal functions of Definitions from Merriam-Webster Dictionary

"Rick"

My name is "Rick". I'm 35 years old and have had OCD since as far back as I can remember. Each OCD form would end only to be replaced by another form. One of the early forms involved praying. I would say my prayers at night, make a 'mistake', say them again, make a 'mistake', etc. This would go on for a couple of hours and then I'd fall asleep and wake up and have to make up for the night before. The result would be that I would say the prayer to myself when I was with my childhood friend, make a mistake, say it again, etc. I would spend a large part of the day saying these prayers to myself. When that form finally went away, it was replaced by another one.

I went through very terrible forms of OCD as the years went by:

• checking and re-checking and rechecking light switches, doors, gas burners, etc.
• washing (and even putting money down the toilet because it was contaminated)
• fear of death and then a terrible fear of sleeping
• fear of car and train fumes and fear of being poisoned (I would carry my gallon of water w/ me at work) etc.

OCD cost me a job and a marriage. I never went to get help until I developed severe panic disorder -- I had some weird stress reaction at a party and things went downhill. I got to the point where I couldn't work, go out of the house, etc. A co-worker's wife is a doctor and she convinced me to go to a psychologist whom she went to when she developed severe post-partum depression. At that point (5 1/2 years ago) I didn't have a choice -- I couldn't sleep, couldn't go out of the house, etc. I went to him and went on a program of cognitive behavior therapy, medication and, very importantly, meditation. The meditation was key. I had started meditating when I was going thru the worst of the panic disorder - I always knew that, from what I read, it would help me but I never gave it a try. When I started, I started doing both Tibetan Buddhist and Zen Buddhist meditation. I had also been reading the book, A Course in Miracles, which appealed to me because it was the Zen stuff using terms that I had grown up with (but which were used in a very different way and was in sync with my atheistic/agnostic thinking). Anyway, I felt that I had hit rock bottom and got into the meditation very strongly. I decided to use the Course in Miracles because I didn't have access to a Zen teacher and felt that its structure was good. I also stayed with the 100 mg Zoloft that the psychologist put me on. And I also used the cognitive behavior therapy stuff -- I would carry the notebook around with me and write whatever thoughts were going thru my mind. If they were distressful, I would write every single thing that was going on and continue until finding a resolution. I found that the writing helped me to become more aware of my thoughts which helped with the meditation. What was so helpful with the meditation was that it chipped away at my ego. I didn't ever want to go back to the panic disorder days so ... I would always make time for the meditation, writing and morning relaxation stuff (I bought these tapes on Panic Disorder from Pathway Systems). I also didn't care who knew (I had lived my life in fear of anyone knowing my weaknesses that I finally decided to be strong by not caring who knew).  I made sure to always be open with people about things that I was feeling and, if I was having a problem with them, to help them help me to resolve it. The meditation stuff also helped me to forgive people -- very important for me because I held lots of stuff against people and would indulge many negative and victim-oriented perceptions. By looking at the ego (which is what Zen and any other similarly-based spirituality has you do), I also would b gentler with myself -- not feel guilty or like I failed if I had 'ego outbursts' or entertained negative perceptions of myself or others. I would, however, try and not let my mind go down the typical roads of negative thinking and negative fantasizing whenever I could. The meditation helped me not to lessen my attachments to people and things -- especially my perception of who I was.

The results were VERY good. I did the best I ever did at my job and I went thru OCD episodes by staying in the situation and writing everything that was going on and meditating. I wanted to avoid the situations and/or ritualize but I knew that it wouldn't help so ... I would stay in the situation and use the tools. I had the best few years of my life. I also made sure not to turn the meditation into an OCD episode.

My psychologist, unfortunately, died. I went to another one for a couple of months and then decided that I was ok. Unfortunately, I became a little lazy and complacent and let the tools (meditation, writing) slide. I started getting very attached to my self concept again and feared the loss of it -- something that the meditation helped with immensely. When I look back at the OCD episodes, many of them involved the incredible fear related to the loss of identity and self (which is why I once went through a terrible time being consumed with the fear of death). I've recently had some OCD episodes come up and they're related, in some way, to fear of loss of who I think I am. I've been using some techniques like 'thought interruption' which help. I'm still on 100 mg of Zoloft which I very much think helps me to not go into a seemingly endless OCD thought cycle. I know that serious application of the meditation stuff is needed but I've engaged myself only partially. In the back of my mind are thoughts from the book, The Three Pillars of Zen, and thoughts from a Zen teacher when I went to a Zen retreat. The book describes people's enlightenment experiences -- after having had some minor experiences during meditation, I know that what they experienced is real and would be the end of suffering. The Zen teacher told us that we all think that we're this 'bag of skin' -- that we're this limited self identified by this ego consciousness, etc. And that an experience of what we are as we 'really are' would end suffering.

I see the whole world as suffering. When I've recently begun to see myself as a victim and think why I can't have a 'normal' mind that can focus on tasks w/o obsessive thoughts, I think that maybe this thing can be good. It's made me more compassionate and put me on a path where I can see the reality of suffering. And it allows me to see that regrets in life are again due to my thoughts about what I think I am and what I value. Attaching myself to things that won't last (body, self-identity, abilities, etc.) brings suffering and this I can see most clearly because OCD has forced me to see it. And now I hope that I can use this understanding to motivate me to seek the same enlightenment experience that others have sought and found.

So, in summary, I see lots of truth in 'Life is Suffering'. And I think that OCD allows me to see how this thought system works, far better than if had a 'normal' life. I then see that there is a path to end suffering, if I choose to train my mind. Lately, I have fears and reluctance to do the meditation but I know that I'll get back to it.

I also have seen tendencies in me to use the OCD as part of my identity - I can use it when I want to make an excuse for something or feel special or want to garner attention from my girlfriend. I do not beat myself up over this -- instead, I try and laugh at the silliness of how my ego behaves at times and try and see that crappy behavior in others comes from the same thought system.

I am not a doctor, therapist or professional in the treatment of CD. This site reflects my experience and my opinions only, unless otherwise stated. I am not responsible for the content of links I may point to or any content or advertising in HealthyPlace.com other then my own.

Always consult a trained mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment choice or changes in your treatment. Never discontinue treatment or medication without first consulting your physician, clinician or therapist.

Content of Doubt and Other Disorders
copyright ©1996-2009 All Rights Reserved

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