Abusers and Embarrassment

Will would often tell me that I would never find another man like him. I did not stop to consider if I would want to find another guy like him because deep down, the answer was "No, I never want to know someone like you ever again."

Instead of answering the real question, I chose to listen to him tell me why he was so great. Honestly, I agreed because when it came to work, Will was great. Will works diligently, and held two jobs in the early years. I did not worry about income. I was able to stay at home with the boys without once being asked to take a job. He willingly put up with work he hated to provide for his family.

Will wanted to be married, wanted children, wanted a family. He wanted to keep us neat and tight like collectible robots on a shelf.

Abusers Experience Extreme Embarassment

Will wanted a family to provide for, but I don't think he wanted relationships with his wife and children. I don't think he wanted to put in the work necessary to keep a family together. He is more of a wind-up and go kind of guy - he wanted to set us in motion and then forget about us.

He was able to forget about us so long as we performed the way he wanted. But when we acted on our own accord and embarrassed him, he couldn't take it. We embarrassed Will anytime we did something he would not have done.

Abusers Unleash Anger When No One But Family Will Know

One time, our family went to his friend's house for dinner. Marc, my oldest son, was about 7 and loved all kinds of food. Will loved how Marc would eat anything and often bragged that his son was not a spoiled little brat when it came to food. That night at dinner, Marc predictably cleaned his plate and asked for seconds.

Our hostess asked if he'd like more pork. "Yes, please." She asked if he'd like more potato salad. Marc said, "No thank you, I don't like that." The hostess asked, "How about some corn?" and Marc said, "Yes, please."

Right after hearing, "I don't like that," Will's face turned beet red. He made a joke and didn't say much to Marc at that time. Will waited until we were driving home and then bombarded Marc with hostility. Will told Marc that he was a selfish, spoiled boy who didn't think twice about embarrassing his father "in front of another man".

From what I saw, neither our hostess nor Will's friend skipped a beat when Marc offered his opinion. It hadn't mattered to them at all. Yet Will was completely shamed by what his seven-year-old said. And I, if I'd been a good mother, would have "done something about it" when Marc was younger so Will wouldn't have to wonder if his kids knew how to behave.

Abusers Think You Are Broken

Will said he wished he could open my brain, see how it worked, and fix it. As if I needed fixing. I wasn't broken, but I also wasn't him. I didn't think like him, nor feel like him, nor act like him. Therefore, I was wrong and if he could have done it, he would have repaired my inner machinery to his specifications.

If he'd gotten his wish, then he would have a good wife and fine sons. He would possess his wind-up and go family, and it wouldn't bother him that we were merely robots. He knows he can fix a robot.