Bipolar – My Life is So Messed Up

Thanks! I am at this point of my life. This happened to me for years and all made sense now. It takes time to fix my messed things( work, relationships and daily routines).

Thank you so much for the information. I really needed it at this point in my life. I will message this article to my mom and we will figure something out. Again, thank you.

Hi Colin,
I have never posted messages on a bipolar board before (or any board for that matter), but I felt the need to reach out to you. I have had bipolar II essentially since childhood, but misdiagnosed until many many years later. I have had several periods in my life when I royally screwed up; dropped out of university, lost really good friends, alienated family, got fired, attempted suicide... the list goes on. I wondered why I was such a "black sheep" but the eventual bipolar diagnosis made everything make sense.
I am currently in the throes of another major depressive phase and I can totally relate to everything you have written. I am struggling to hold it together; I cry at commercials, can't accomplish anything, I've gained 50+ pounds, I feel useless and utterly lost and on top of it all, I feel guilty and ashamed for being so messed up.
Instead of blaming myself, I try to focus the blame on my illness. I don't choose to feel this way... I would give anything to feel good again. I want to get better and am doing everything I can in order to make that happen. So how can feeling bad be my fault?
When these scenarios are happening, it can feel completely overwhelming, and like there is no hope. However, each time these episodes have happened to me, I have managed to eventually turn it around, and enjoy a "remission period" for an extended period of time. Currently, I have been happily married for nearly 20 years, I work full-time, and have 3 wonderful kids. For me, this requires a good psychiatrist and numerous medication trials to find a cocktail that works for me. I also try my best to supplement my meds with anything else that helps... regular exercise, regulated sleep times, online CBT etc.
I guess what I wanted to say was that you aren't alone. Being bipolar does "suck". But don't give up, because there is always hope. A remission may be just around the corner, and your ensuing life will be everything you've dreamed of. Hang in there!

I've messed up my life HUGE right now.
I've struggled with some severe personal issues for years and they've gotten in the way so much, that I've dropped out of college twice and wasted a lot of money, it's gotten in the way of me getting a job and of having the life I want. I've blown off about 11 job opportunities in a matter of 4 months recently and now I really need one or I'll be homeless because I won't be able to afford my rent.
My options are very limited and I don't know what to do. I'm pretty broke as is. I'm not blaming anyone but myself and even though no one will understand, I couldn't handle anything at the time.
My personal issues have also severely hurt my friendship and relationship with my entire family and friends. I've lost so many people. Half of my days are spent wondering if I'm going to kill myself to be honest!
I'm giving myself and life a little bit more time and a chance since I'm not 100% screwed right now or yet, so we'll see what happens.

I was first diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder, a form of Bipolar disorder, when I was 23 years old,and years of messes and cleanups followed. Hospit lizations, rehabs, ECT treatments and too many scripts to count were part of my life for a long time. And though I received disability, my desire to work has been insatiable. And specific work too. I worked as a peer provider for most of the past 14 years. In 2009, though, I got a diagnosis that changed everything. I was diagnosed with polycythemia vera...a blood disorder caused by a very rare "blood/Bone marrow cancer" called Myleofibrosis. The treatments require me to have a pint of blood removed every 2 months... though at times it has been more frequent. The blood problem makes strokes and heart attacks very likely. The psych meds I was on had, as a side effect, induced hyperlipidemia, staggeringly high cholesterol and triglycerides. Something had to change as between the two conditions I was walking around with a 30-70 percent chance of heart attack or stroke everyday. I made the big decision in 2013 to stop taking the atypical anti-psychotic causing the hyperlipidemia. And then just shy of 4 months ago, stopped using drugs, alcohol, and the other 2 psych meds I was on.
Now, nearly 4 months later, I still have my cancer, but my cholesterol is 105 and my triglycerides 125, I have been clean and sober for that time and am still sane, happy, and free. Do I not have Bipolar anymore. Of course I do, it IS incurable, but as suggested by previous posts, if I plan my recovery, knowing the shortfalls and incidences that my mood swings can induce, if I stick to a deliberate and regular sleep schedule, take time for myself and my sobriety, and keep a relatively balanced view of life... my mental health IS manageable. Planning for tomorrow is not a bad thing, but understanding that yesterday may not have gone the way I intended it too is okay too.

I really appreciated this article. Depression messes can be just as bad as mania messes. I like the perspective of calling them "bipolar messes" rather than "my (God-I-hate-myself)messes. I really have to fight off a guilt trip to do that.
What to do with all the overwhelming chaos tumbling around in your head? List, Group. Prioritize. I'm working on that. It has to be written down where I can see it...I'm notable to do this off the top of my head anymore. But I can still do it.

As part of cleaning up my most recent and biggest mess, I made it a priority to get a job where I had sick time and protection under the ADA and FMLA if necessary.
Within the past two months, I have felt a wave of self destruction building up. Thankfully, I had the presence of mind to ask for and take ten sick days under FMLA without any notice. I cried tears of joy knowing that I did not have to blow my life up in order to get the break I needed.
I've had 20 years of messes to clean up. I have a little over two years on this job, which is a record for me. I lost almost everything five years ago. For me, there's no getting it back. But I have faith that the future can be different.

You are so right, you do have to break it down into prioritized manageable steps. Looking at the whole picture can be incredibly overwhelming (most of the time). There's a joke, "How do you eat an Elephant?" The answer is one bite at a time...

I put ALL my energy into work. It's EXTREMELY important that I don't mess that up too because I only have 3 more years left until I can retire with a FULL pension at age 55 with 36 years service. I consider myself VERY lucky to have a good government job that also has an employee assistance program. I don't think I would have done so well if I had worked in the private sector. I probably would've been fired or layed off a long time ago. So I consider work my number one priority. Unfortunately when I get home that's another story. When I get home I am often very tired and in dire need of some rest and relaxation so I honour that. But consequently the housework doesn't always get done as often as it should, but that's okay. I don't beat myself up about it. I know I am doing the best I can (I don't have kids to help me). I just did a huge load of dishes today (it took me most of the day to do it and tomorrow I'll tackle the laundry. When my mother used to come down to see me (she lives 5 hours away) she used to give me a heads up and then I would work for 48 hours straight (without sleep) to clean my apartment to make it look presentable. I knew I would be poorly judged if my place did not meet her standards and I didn't need the hassle. I can no longer clean like that anymore so I must pace myself each dat and do what I can when I can so that when the weekend comes I'm not so overwhelmed. Eventually I get things done even if that means doing a little bit at a time like during the commercials if I'm watching TV. You are so right Natasha. By prioritizing what needs to be done and then chipping away at at it bit by bit at least something gets done. Even though I may not feel like doing ANYTHING I try my best to push past that feeling. I know in the end I'll feel so much better.

Like Suzy it has been a long time with it only rearing for very brief and not intense 1-2 days of feeling irritated or judge mental :) but I am not the same person I was before either. Husband became suddenly sick and I am a mess! Terrified the depression I am feeling now will overtake me. I never want to go back. Late wills, nothing titled correctly, yhink I need to quit work cuz he can't remember anything and misses appointments meds..... I am no questioning my worth as a human, scary territory. I like your advise about one step/ thing at a time. I just need to give myself a break and stop with the guilt. I hate guilt, completely unproductive.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar win 2008. I have not been manic since then but here recently I am experiencing a manic faze right now I am afraid of hitting rock bottom

I was diagnosed with Bipolar I when I was 19, and now I'm 44. I have made a lot of messes and have cleaned a lot up. It is easier when you take it one step at a time and pace yourself. Also, with each mess I clean, I try harder not to make another one. Lifestyle is so important in preventing bipolar messes. I exercise, eat well, meditate, spend time with friends and family, pace myself at work, clean my house regularly, go to bed and wake up at close to the same time every day, and don't drink any caffeinated drinks or alcohol. All of this helps to keep my messes to a minimum.