All of us survivors know that our ex will at least verbally and emotionally abuse our children. We survivors also know how hard that type of abuse is to prove, and even proving it doesn't mean your ex will have less time with our children. Proving non-sexual or non-physical abuse typically results in therapy if it results in anything at all. Therapy doesn't work unless the abuser wants to change. They don't want to change which is the reason you left them in the first place.

Children in abusive homes often learn how to abuse without really knowing what they're doing. It's another tragic effect of abuse that can seem hopeless to overcome. But it isn't. Children in abusive homes aren't lost to us parents who have learned about abuse and can recognize abuse when it comes from our children. Granted, it's easier to teach children of abusive homes how to behave appropriately when they're no longer exposed to abuse. But, as that's not usually the case with family court being as it is, it's up to us non-abusive parents to teach children how to behave well. Here are some ideas on how to help children in abusive homes unlearn abuse.

I feel ornery today. Woe to anyone who crosses me. You've been warned! During my marriage, I would have put on my boxing gloves on a day like today. I would check my s%*t-list, which always consisted of only my husband's crap, and remind myself of what he got away with that deserved retaliation. I'd figuratively position myself  smack dab in the center of the door frame and wait for him to come home. POW! Sucker punch. And boy, would it feel good to see that look on his face. I always got the first verbal hit on these kinds of days. The anger inside of me today is the same. Bubbling, festering, the color of sick yellow pus. It needs out, and baby, cleaning this darn house for release just isn't going to cut it. Honestly, I want to write my ex a scathing email. Stir things up, let him know how I feel. Problem is, I don't really feel anything when it comes to him anymore. My ex hasn't been on my list for months because my list doesn't exist anymore. This anxious, angry feeling is mine alone. In the absence of abuse, what in the heck am I supposed to do with all this frustration?

In 1987, our nation observed the first Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I was 16 years old and never saw a poster saying Fight the Violence or Silence Hides Violence. I wouldn't have known what those slogans meant or referred to anyway. When I was young, domestic violence wasn't an issue for me or for my school or the shops at the mall because we didn't know what it was. Thank goodness it was an issue for the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV).

I am struggling in my relationship with Max. He requests more attention from me, and I know his request is rational. Truth is that I find it difficult to connect with him in an intimate way on a regular basis. It seems that "everything else" gets my attention and focus, while I place Max's needs on the back burner.

After the emotional abuse, or rather, after I left my abusive husband, I hoped the effects of abuse would disappear. Magically. Without any work from me. Those hopeful feelings minimized the difficulty of coping with life and relationships after emotional abuse. The intelligent part of me knew that after the emotional abuse it would take time to recover from the emotional trauma and regain my mental health. Alas, the intelligent part of me was correct.

Verbal abuse books helped me discover that my marriage problems were rooted in verbal and emotional abuse. I felt relief because up until I read the library of verbal abuse books available, I thought that I was losing my mind. My abusive husband had almost convinced me that every problem in our marriage was my fault. He said I was inept and out of touch with reality. The verbal abuse books taught me that my husband was wrong. But more importantly, the verbal abuse books taught me the vocabulary of abuse so I could finally describe what was happening to me.

Yesterday, Andi commented on Victims Think They May Be The Abuser. Andi said: . . . I reached the point where I feared that the emotional / verbal abuse was going to move towards physical abuse. It has been a long time since this happened. I've moved far away and started over, but I'm still scared, feeling PTSD symptoms, and can't seem to move on. I want so desperately to be whole again. Any thoughts and help would be greatly appreciated.

Life after abuse surpasses the definition of peaceful. There is no one but me to tell me what to do or how to do it.

Trust eludes victims of abuse during their abusive relationship. As much as I wanted to trust my ex-abuser--and told others that I could trust him--it just wasn't so (Trust Issues and Abusive Relationships). I thought if I was trustworthy and expected to be able to trust him, then he would magically become trustworthy and our relationship would spring to life. That never happened because you cannot ever trust an abuser with your heart. But you can learn to trust after your abusive relationship.