What Does It Mean to Be a Lesbian?

Lesbian is the first letter of the queer alphabet soup. We've all heard LGBTQ+ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, plus.), but what does lesbian actually mean? People used to define lesbians as "women loving women," but this definition is outdated and doesn't take into account the many transgender, non-binary, and gender non-conforming humans who still proudly call themselves lesbians. I am one of these people. 

Recently, my girlfriend was with a friend. While with them, she referred to me as a lesbian. This person was surprised—many transmasculine people balk at the term "lesbian," and I have known some to be offended by it. Sarah reassured this person that lesbian is a term I am comfortable with and a term I proudly use to describe myself. She was right.

The Meaning of Lesbian Is Not Black and White

When I first came out, I came out as both bisexual and lesbian. I identified as a woman who loved other women (I was assigned female at birth and lived as a woman for 32 years). I thought lesbianism was as simple as women loving women. Well, some years into my queer life, I am here to tell you that it's not that simple. My initial understanding of lesbianism didn't include transgender and non-binary people fully.

When I started taking testosterone, I thought I had to quit using the word lesbian altogether. I thought it was no longer mine because I am gender fluid. (I identify as male and non-binary depending on the day, the weather, and my mood.) But I was wrong. I also thought that I couldn't identify with the word lesbian because I have also dated men. Nothing could be further from the truth. First off, no one gets to decide your sexual orientation for you. Secondly, who I have been with doesn't define my sexuality—that is actually a huge misconception about sexuality. I could never have been with a woman and still be a lesbian if the desire was there. 

Does 'Lesbian' Apply to Me?

On Lesbian Day of Visibility, I came out on Instagram—again—in a post where I described my love for Sarah as lesbian. Within it, I wrote:

"Being a lesbian isn't about what you look like. To me, it's about loving women and non-binary people. It's about intense emotional connections, 30-hour-long dates, staying up late into the night drinking wine, and processing emotions. It's about Melissa Etheridge lyrics and tattoos. It's about the tenderness of a butch/femme dynamic and about professing your love when some might say you've only just met. Yeah, lesbianism isn't a gender; it's an identity." 

So, there you have it. If you think you are a lesbian, chances are you probably are. If you've spent time Googling "Am I a lesbian?" like I used to, chances are you probably are. If you clicked on this post because you aren't sure if you are a lesbian or not, I want you to know that anyone can claim this word if it fits for you, and no one can invalidate your identity simply based on what you look like.