Borderline Personality Trigger: Canceled Plans

I do not have a BPD diagnosis (or think I should), but I can relate to much of what you're saying. I had a parent who was bipolar and struggled with addiction and who ultimately died when I was in my twenties. My other parent was extremely religious and I was raised in a controlling and punitive environment. I am extremely codependent on my intimate partners but can simultaneously hold others at a distance when I feel overstimulated or just want to be alone. I too am very triggered by perceived abandonment and really struggle to communicate with others because I feel too much too intensely and cannot make others understand it..I don't always understand it. Despite all of this, I feel very triggered by this post?? I have a friend who also struggles in the same ways I do, but I suspect it is much worse for them. I notice they ALWAYS have plans even when they feel burned out because they are terrified of being alone. We used to be very codependent on one another but now I find myself keeping my distance. And sometimes for unrelated reasons, I have to cancel plans. OR I will state upfront that I tentatively agree to the plans but reserve the right to cancel if I don't feel up to it. I don't know if that makes me a bad friend or not; I have been in counseling for years learning how to hold space for both myself and others. And sometimes that looks like cancelling or rescheduling. I know that this is a trigger for my friend- they not so casually mention other "flaky" friends in conversation- but at what point am I supposed to cater to someone else's (sometimes irrational) needs at the expense of my own peace? Why do I have to give you a play by play of my thought process (and maybe a doctor's note) to get out of doing something? What's an acceptable reason to cancel? This friend recently encourages me to just say I don't want to do something (almost aggressively mind you), but when I do, I feel like I get the silent treatment or otherwise passive aggressive responses. And I am constantly hearing stories about this person's disappointment in other friends who cancel or are perceived as flaky. I want to give them space to process their feelings about cancelled plans, but sometimes I feel annoyed and overlooked. Like their pain is more valid or important than my own. I have not had the courage to talk to my friend about this but feel I need to soon or else I will continue to harbor resentment. Anyway, I know there's room for all of us to feel our feelings but it's so hard to navigate right now. I have been a caretaker in one form or another my entire life. I really need to take care of myself and not feel guilty about it. The end!

I have a very close friend with BPD. I have adhd, depression, anxiety and a lot of physical health issues so there are times when I've made plans with them to talk on the phone or hang out and have to cancel at the last second. Cancelled plans seems to be one of their main triggers as well. What is the best way to cancel plans that might help them not feel abandoned?

This was so helpful for me today! I was in tears, trying to "keep my cool" through messages with my gf this morning. Two days ago I asked her if I could come visit (she's about an hour away) and she said yes. Today she tells me she has to work and asked if she could see me another time this week...i instantly KNEW she no longer loves me. Even though I messaged her what i assumed would be "typical" replies. Something a "chill gf" would say. Something reasonable and understanding...even though what's in my head is the opposite. She responded like I was being difficult. It made me feel so hopeless because I wasn't even saying what i was feeling which was 10000% more intense...thank you for putting this experience into words that others may not be able to articulate themselves! You've helped me a lot today! I may even just send her this link!