Government Initiative Set To Curb Narcissism Epidemic

Critics call it “a head-first assault” on the First Amendment. Advocates believe it will slow our national descent into narcissism, selfishness, and spandex. Love it or hate it, the SWAT (Stop Writing Annoying Twaddle) Program is here to stay.

Brainchild of Reginald Klaxon, Secretary of Psychology, SWAT is an aggressive response to what social critic and handball champion Chance Bazinga has memorably described as, “a bubbling broth of primordial ooze, an orgy of raw id pouring forth across forest and field, an endless outpouring of detritus, meaningless minutia, and abominable, disingenuous self-aggrandizement on a scale unknown since the waning days of the Roman Empire, wafting the perfume of decomposition through cacophonous boulevards and abandoned chicken coops. I refer, of course, to the Internet, and more specifically, the practice known as blogging.”

Secretary Klaxon stunned the White House Press Corps when, before beginning the SWAT announcement conference, he asked aids to remove every electronic communications device in the room and deposit them in a brine-filled pickle barrel reserved for the occasion. Now assured of undivided attention he began thusly.

“Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, when I was appointed Secretary of Psychology I knew I had my work cut out for me. Let’s face it; this country is not all there, to put it mildly. But politics is the art of making the practical impossible, and with this in mind, I looked around to determine our nation’s greatest threat to mental health. It didn’t take long.

“Our cultural obsession with social media, which really should be called “anti-social media”, has ushered in a tsunami of self-absorption. To put it bluntly, everyone talks and nobody listens. Specifically, everyone regales the inter-webs with details of personal experience they believe to be important and of interest to others.

“America will never hold her place on the national stage if it is made up entirely of people who are incapable of any activity other than writing blogs about themselves which, fortunately, are never read, but which, if they were read, would bore their readers into submission and despair.

“How then to resolve this appalling situation? The answer came, surprisingly, from the Department of Agriculture. As you know, every year the Department of Agriculture pays farmers $1.3 billion in subsidies if they promise to NOT grow crops. This innovative program has reduced the food supply and nearly eliminated childhood obesity in the process. Quite simply, we will start paying Americans NOT to write. We are even considering paying them to listen, and read.

“Obviously there will be resistance at first,” quipped Secretary of Psychology Klaxon, who waved, retrieved his smart phone from the pickle barrel, and left.