Just need to blog it out!!!

Well, this is my first entry in my new blog, Just need to blog it out. I will use this blog as a way to vent and to share my daily feelings, frustrations, triumphs, etc. I hope it will be helpful in some way to someone else to see that they are not alone in this battle. And a battle it is. And not just with everyday living, there's also a battle raging inside my mind also. And cap that off with being married with children and now you have a plate full. Just a brief history, I'm diagnosed Bipolar Disorder for 10 years, ADHD since I was around 5yrs. old and anxiety disorder for the last 4 years. I also suffer chronic pain that my Dr. thinks is Lupus. So happiness is hard for me to come by. Right now, I'm in a I'd call semi-depressed state and very irritable. My wife and I have been fighting for three or four days now. She doesn't want to face the reality that sometimes I have no control over how I feel or the things I say or do like normal people do. She says she knows I have Bipolar Disorder BUT, there's always the BUT. We have been together for 17 yrs. ( a few break ups in between) and we have been married for 5 yrs. She says she accepted I had Bipolar Disorder when she married me but she doesn't or refuses to help me or support me the right way. We all know when we are in a manic state let's say, it's like someone else comes in and takes over your mind and body for a while, makes a big freaking mess of things, then disappears. And you come back and look around at the big mess and all the people you pissed off. Well that's what I'm dealing with right now. And it doesn't pay to be honest about stuff, you'll just get it used against you later. I'm currently taking Depakote, Abilify, Adderall, and Xanax. Plus I'm on a bunch of other meds for my Lupus including some strong pain medications. And I admit, the last few months have been so bad , I have self-medicated by overusing my pain meds. I've since stopped doing that because I have been on them so long that I go through withdrawals when I run out before they are due to refill. I just long for some peace and just to be happy for just a few days. This constant suffering sucks. I had a manic episode a few months ago and went through about $15,000.00 in a matter of a few months or less. I'm still looking for that magical mixture of meds. that will bring my mind some peace and let me be somewhat normal for just a little while. Well, enough for today. See you guys tomorrow.