'Sue'

Doubt is thought's despair; despair is personality's doubt. . .;
Doubt and despair . . . belong to completely different spheres; different sides of the soul are set in motion. . .
Despair is an expression of the total personality, doubt only of thought. -
Søren Kierkegaard

doubt 1 a : uncertainty of belief or opinion that often interferes with decision-making b : a deliberate suspension of judgment 2 : a state of affairs giving rise to uncertainty, hesitation, or suspense 3 a : a lack of confidence : DISTRUST b : an inclination not to believe or accept dis·or·der 1 : to disturb the order of 2 : to disturb the regular or normal functions of Definitions from Merriam-Webster Dictionary

"Sue"

Thoughts at night:

My throat and chest feel so congested. Maybe I can cough it up. Oh. All that does is irritate my throat, but I'm still so congested. What if my chest fills up and I choke in my sleep? I think that's what's happening now. I'll try a few more pillows. That still isn't helping. It's getting harder to breathe. Maybe I'll get up and go outside on the porch. Ahh. That feels good. But I'm so tired. I'd like to go back to bed, but I'm afraid to. What if I get all congested again and then I won't be able to breathe. Maybe I'll die in my sleep. I'm afraid. But I'm soooo tired. Okay, here I am in bed again. I'll try to sleep. Uh oh, there it is again. I can't breathe so well. "cough, cough". "I'm sorry dear, for keeping you awake, but I can't sleep. I don't think I'm breathing right. I'm all clogged up. Do you think I could choke in my sleep and die? Yes, dear, I know that sounds silly, but I'm really afraid because I'm not breathing so well. Listen to me breathing. Doesn't it sound strange? Do you think it might be pneumonia? Isn't that dangerous? Okay I'll be quiet. Sorry".

But I really can't let myself fall asleep in case something might happen. Maybe I should take something. But what? Oh, maybe a tea. (gets up again). This feels good, maybe it will thin out the congestion. There, I think that sounds a little better now. Boy, I'm getting so tired. It's 2:30 already. I wish I could sleep. But I'm really scared. Maybe it will start again as soon as I lay down. Should I take some of that cough medicine? But I'm scared that it will make me too sleepy and I won't be able to keep myself awake to make sure I'm breathing right, and then I'll die in my sleep. Anyhow, I don't like taking medicine at night. In case I get some kind of side effects from it during the night. No one will even know what I took.

I'm not going to take it, but I'll go back to bed with 3 pillows and see if maybe I can sleep now. I can hardly stay awake. But I can't let myself fall asleep. Maybe something will happen. I'm really not breathing right. I'm so scared. "Sorry, dear for waking you . I needed to drink a tea. I'll try to stay quiet. Do you mind if I read? (it might keep my mind off all this). Oh, it will bother you too much. All right, I won't read. No, I'm not breathing too loud. I'm just congested. I can't help it.I think I'm getting sick. Will it bother you if I use the vaporizer?" Okay, here goes- I'll try to just relax and maybe things will get better. Maybe the steam will help. Breathe in, breathe out, in, out. Still doesn't sound or feel right. I don't blame him for getting fed up with me. I'm acting crazy, but I'm so scared. My breathing really doesn't seem right. What if it's Pneumonia? Should I go to the emergency room? I can't, I'm too tired. Maybe I can just calm myself down. Wow, look at the clock. It's almost 4. I'm going to be half asleep at work tomorrow. I wish I could do something. What's wrong with me anyhow? This is really nuts.

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