Can you be manipulative without knowing it? Is such a thing even possible? My therapist says without knowing it, you can be manipulative. Read on to learn more about what she calls unintentional manipulation. 

How Can You Be Manipulative Without Realizing It?

Is it possible to be manipulative without realizing it? How does that work? This is what I asked my therapist in a recent session, and she had a simple yet brilliant answer: everyone does not have a strong moral compass. As a result, a person can be manipulative without realizing it, which is called unintentional manipulation. She explained that when one does not have a strong moral compass, the line between right and wrong is blurred, and a person feels little to no guilt when they behave manipulatively.

Moreover, she said it is possible to be unintentionally manipulative and still be a decent human being. Many people lack self-awareness and do not realize how their words and actions affect others.

An Example of Manipulation Without Realizing It

Thirdly, manipulation can also be a trauma response, which is how one deals with or responds to a traumatic event. For example, consider that a heterosexual couple is in the middle of a fight. The man makes a mistake by yelling at the woman in public, but he refuses to apologize. Instead, he justifies his action by saying she "made him yell" by speaking to him when he was hungry. The woman retaliates by walking away and not speaking to him for days, also known as the silent treatment. She starts talking to him only after he calls her and apologizes. The silent treatment is a manipulation tactic, but it is also a trauma response. It would not have occurred if the man had spoken respectfully to his partner. Note that the man is also being manipulative because instead of accepting his mistake, he is shifting the blame to his partner. 

There are many more reasons why people are unconsciously manipulative, but my therapy session ended before I could know about them. Besides, I cannot list all the reasons in a single blog post because it would run too long. The bottom line is that it is difficult to deal with manipulative people, so it is crucial to know if you are usually the manipulator or the manipulated.

What to Do If You Are Being Intentionally or Unintentionally Manipulated

All of us are occasionally manipulative without knowing it, and that's okay because we are flawed beings. However, if you often find yourself on the receiving end of manipulation, you must protect yourself and your peace of mind. Check out the video below, wherein I talk about therapist-approved ways to deal with manipulative people. 

Understanding my adult separation anxiety in borderline personality disorder (BPD) involves delving into its complexities and origins. My adult separation anxiety in BPD is more than just feeling uneasy when separated from loved ones; it's a deep-seated fear of abandonment that I can trace back to childhood experiences of neglect, loss, or inconsistent caregiving. These early experiences created a heightened sensitivity to perceived threats of rejection or abandonment in my adult relationships.

Adult Separation Anxiety in BPD: The Needy Puppy Analogy

Reflecting on my own experiences with separation anxiety in BPD, I recall moments from my childhood when I anxiously awaited my mom's return from work. Stationed by the window, I'd wait, unable to focus on anything else until she was safely home. Separation anxiety in BPD made me feel like a needy puppy, constantly tethered to my mom for reassurance and security. Through trauma therapy sessions, I began to unravel the roots of this issue. I realized I had placed my mom on a pedestal, viewing her as my favorite and most important person, even above myself. This perception made any time away from her feel like a small death, intensifying my separation anxiety in BPD.

As an adult, I've noticed these patterns recurring. Placing those closest to me on pedestals only intensifies my fear of being apart from them. These feelings evolve into a sense of isolation, leaving me to ponder whether my loved ones miss me as much as I miss them. This cycle of doubt only deepens the sense of disconnection I feel. It's reminiscent of being that scared little girl waiting by the window. These days, feeling like a needy puppy who is afraid of abandonment brings about a lot of shame. Instead of succumbing to these scary feelings in adulthood, my BPD attempts to protect me by convincing me to push my loved ones away. This can look like exhibiting hot and cold behavior and accusing them of indifference.

Adult Separation Anxiety in BPD: Cultivating Secure Attachment

Adult separation anxiety in BPD has this twisted effect on me where I almost crave for my loved ones to experience the same level of paranoia I do. It's like I've conditioned myself to only see love or care when they're going through emotional chaos like me. Lately, I've been asking myself why I would want to drag them into this mess of neediness. Why does seeing them emotionally secure sometimes scare me?

In therapy, I've been delving deeper into understanding the intricacies of secure attachment in BPD. Secure attachment is simply a better way for me to navigate intimacy. Secure attachment is not just about feeling close to someone or relying on them for support; it's about having a consistent and reliable connection that fosters trust, emotional safety, and a sense of belonging. Secure attachment means feeling confident in expressing my needs and emotions, knowing they will be met with understanding and care.

Check out my video to discover the strategies and insights I've gathered on cultivating secure attachment while healing adult separation anxiety in borderline personality disorder. I talk about the practice of communicating openly, learning to acknowledge and address my triggers without burdening my loved ones and expecting them to walk on eggshells.

Coping with depression at work isn't easy. I currently work full-time from home. Like many others, I spend more time in front of the computer and on the phone with strangers than with loved ones. Once I clock out, I am so drained that I don't want to talk to anyone. My social battery is empty. Yet, the next day, I put on that smiling face and log back in to start the cycle again. Working takes up so much of my time and energy that there have been many times when working triggered a depressive episode. Or, if I was already depressed, work made my sadness even worse without specific ways to cope with depression at work.

Tips for Coping with Depression at Work

So, how can we cope with depression and still be productive at work? There are a few things that I have found that have helped lessen the dark cloud of depression while I am working. Granted, these are not always foolproof, but using these tips, I have found it easier to cope with having to get up every day and put on a smiling face.

• Use your paid time off (PTO). First and foremost, PTO is given to most full-time employees for a reason. Yes, it is used for summer or holiday vacations, but it is also used for sick days. Sick days no longer mean only being physically ill; this is now for employees also to take mental health days. A mental health day does not show weakness or lack of commitment to the job. What it does show is a commitment to your wellbeing. 
• Take several small breaks. Granted, I understand that not all jobs allow several five-minute breaks during the day. However, even if it is to take the garbage outside or to go the restroom, small breaks allow you to breathe and refocus your brain on the task at hand. It is also helpful to do some stretching when you have some downtime. 
• Take your lunch break away from your desk or station. I know, I know, I'm guilty of it, too. I can't tell you how often I have sat at my desk, working and eating simultaneously. Not only does this not allow you to give your brain a break, but it also doesn't allow you to relax and enjoy what you're eating. Everyone needs that time away from what they are working on to refocus. Some suggestions are to go outside, sit in your car, go to the breakroom, or go to a different quiet room. 
• Do not ignore the issue. Last but certainly not least, do not ignore your depression or try to convince yourself that you can push through it each day. These actions make things worse, possibly to the point of leaving your employment or being let go from your job. Which then creates a whole new set of triggers. 

It is difficult for me to focus or even be motivated when depressed. This is especially so when I am coping with depression at work. I have also found that working from home doesn't always help the situation. However, because I cannot change that part of my job at the moment, I need to use the tips above to keep being productive while at work and depressed. Those tips also help reduce the chances of getting burned out and depressed because of my employment. Either way, self-care and wellbeing at work are as meaningful as outside work.

I'm always looking for new ways to cope with my depression at work; I welcome any suggestions in the comment section below. 

Fasting can be related to mental health. Fasting, the practice of abstaining from food or drink for a specific period, is significant in cultures and societies across the world. People fast for various reasons, from religious observance and spiritual purification to weight management and personal health goals. In fact, Ramadan, a month of fasting observed by Muslims, ended very recently. And it got me thinking: how does fasting impact mental health? Let's take a look. 

Fasting Can Benefit Mental Health

Fasting is associated with a range of mental health benefits. According to research, 

"Short-term fasting can cause mood enhancement, which is reflected by increased positive mood and vitality and decreased negative mood. In an 18h [hour] fasting among healthy women, they found that fasting can lead to increased irritability and increase positive affective experiences such as a sense of achievement, reward, pride, and control."¹ 

Conversely, Fasting Can Harm Mental Health

On the flip side, fasting can also have undesirable effects on one's mental health. 

"Some studies reported that short-term fasting can increase negative emotions (depression, anxiety, anger, irritability, fatigue, and tension) and decrease positive emotions and vitality. In a two-day consecutive fasting study, lower positive mood, higher negative mood, and lower perceived work performance were observed."¹ 

Balancing Fasting and Mental Health

As you can see, fasting can benefit or harm your mental health. From what I have seen, fasting benefits the mental health of individuals in good mental and physical health and those with strong religious beliefs. Fasting may be detrimental for those who are struggling with mental illness or have physical limitations. 

It is crucial to strike a balance between fasting and mental wellbeing based on your individual needs. For example, if you struggle with disordered eating or mental health conditions like depression, fasting may be dangerous for your wellbeing. Make sure you consult a healthcare professional well in advance so you can make an informed and safe choice, especially if you are new to fasting.

By finding a balance that prioritizes self-care, you can take advantage of the potential benefits of fasting while protecting your mental wellbeing. However, if you are unable to fast for health reasons, know that there are other ways to show your reverence to whatever higher power you believe in. 

Remember: to fast or not to fast should be a personal decision, not one made out of social pressure.

Source

1. Wang, Y., & Wu, R. (2022). The Effect of Fasting on Human Metabolism and Psychological Health. Disease markers, 2022, 5653739. https://doi.org/10.1155/2022/5653739

Do naps affect schizoaffective disorder? For me, they do—in a good way. Here’s how naps improve my schizoaffective disorder.

Naps Are Usually Good for My Schizoaffective Disorder

I’ve known for a long time that naps ease my schizoaffective disorder because I always feel better after a nap. My husband, Tom, loves to take naps on his days off from work at a bank. It’s his favorite thing to do. And he likes to take naps with me. So, we started having what Tom calls “lie-downs” together in the afternoon.

It wasn’t until very recently, though, that it clicked with me about the positive effects naps have on my schizoaffective disorder. I wake up feeling refreshed. (Sometimes I have nightmares, though. A nightmare can mess with my head for at least an hour after a nap or a night’s sleep. But, in the big picture, the naps are worth it.)

It’s hard for me to take a nap every day. Some days, I have too much to do, like on Mondays when I have therapy in the afternoon.

But, honestly, I usually don’t have that much on my plate. And, except for when I’m napping with Tom, I only nap for two hours maximum.

I’m dieting again, and I tend to snack when I’m bored. So, sometimes, I take naps instead of snacking. Some people may think this isn’t healthy, but it works for me.

Just Because Naps Positively Affect My Schizoaffective Disorder Doesn’t Mean I’m Lazy

I think there’s a stereotype that people who don’t have that much to do and who take naps are lazy. Well, there’s a difference between having low energy and being lazy, I feel. A lot of the reason I’m low on energy is because of the medication I take for my schizoaffective disorder. A long time ago, years before I started writing for HealthyPlace, my medications at the time zonked me out all day, and I was up all night. For a long time, I slept all day and watched infomercials all night. A medication change switched me back to a normal schedule of being up all day most of the time and sleeping at night.

Sometimes, I’m afraid that napping too much will switch my sleep cycle back to sleeping all day and staying up all night. But then I remember that a shorter nap helps me sleep at night. So, I don’t think I need to worry about that.

So, those are some of the ways that naps affect my schizoaffective disorder. Do you find that napping helps you? I’d love to hear about it in the comments below.

I've found that grief and anxiety go together alongside the feelings of sadness, anger, regret, loneliness, and depression. However, in my education and throughout what I have learned, the relationship between grief and anxiety was not usually addressed.

But in experiencing anxiety and grief myself, I've learned that there isn't a one-size-fits-all way of coping when you experience a loss. There isn't a predictable pattern when overcoming grief. As a matter of fact, we all experience grief differently, and when anxiety is something that you regularly struggle with, this is something to consider as a factor in the grieving process. For instance, grief can trigger or worsen an anxiety disorder, and this may even result in prolonged grief.¹

How I Have Coped with Grief and Anxiety

It has been about five years since my father passed away. When he was in the hospital, I remember constantly experiencing panic attacks. My anxiety was through the roof, and I always felt as though I couldn't quite gain any sort of control over anything that was happening. As such, I remember feeling continuously physically sick.

Immediately after he died, those thoughts, feelings, and emotions increased even further. While, with time, you expect that grief will subside, for a long time afterward, I felt constantly anxious. To this day, it is still something I occasionally struggle with when it comes to grieving. Other losses that I experienced afterward were associated with tremendous amounts of anxiety as well.

One of the reasons I felt I experienced anxiety during the death of my father was due to a lack of control. I felt like I couldn't control anything, from his illness to the timeline that we were looking at. Using techniques to stay grounded in the present, such as through the use of mindfulness, became vital. I knew I needed to focus not on what I couldn't control but on what I could control.

Throughout my process of anxiety and grief, I also found myself getting lost in memories. This is not necessarily a bad thing. If anything, memories are a way to honor those you've lost. However, this can be problematic when there's anxiety associated with those memories.

My support system has been so important in the process of grief with anxiety, whether it is through grieving together or leaning on that person for support. Using mindfulness and deep breathing techniques helps me to stay focused on the moment and what I can control.

The process of grief is not simple, nor is it a process that exists without anxiety, especially when anxiety is something you already deal with.

How have you dealt with the grief and anxiety associated with it? Share your strategies in the comments below.

Source

1. Shear, M. K., & Skritskaya, N. (2012b). Bereavement and anxiety. Current Psycchiatry Reports/Current Psychiatry Reports, 14(3), 169–175. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11920-012-0270-2

"I'll sleep when I'm dead" is a line my former self fully embraced before learning more about sleeping for mental health. If others didn't need sleep, I thought I didn't either. That thought process took a nasty toll on my mental health. Sleeping is essential for mental health and shouldn't be put on the back burner.

How Sleeping for Mental Health Faded for Me

I had gotten used to seeing media normalizing, even glamorizing, not sleeping for mental health. How often does a hot-shot TV character, maybe a doctor, lawyer, or detective, mention that they had "spent all night working" with a coffee in their hand? In my head, successful people didn't waste time sleeping.

Beyond this incorrect sentiment about success, I just frankly didn't like sleep in general. The idea of losing eight to nine hours of a day is quite frankly terrifying. In a world where I'm torn between "I need to be productive" and "I want to disengage," sleep didn't fit into the picture.

After calculating the time between work, the commute, making meals, and running errands, I wanted some time for myself (at least that's what I told myself). The late nights scrolling or watching TV was "me time." And it was, technically, but it wasn't time well spent. Those hours didn't make me feel more rested or myself; they were a way to avoid the inevitable.

The truth is that I was scared of my thoughts, and I resented having to wake up and face another full day (a day that would have been much more enjoyable had I gotten enough sleep.)

Why Sleeping for Mental Health Is Important

Even though I didn't think (or want to think) that my sleep schedule mattered, it did. After days or weeks of skimping on sleep, my mental state noticeably worsened. I became more sensitive, irritable, and prone to depressive episodes and anxious thoughts. My memory declined, focusing was harder, and I was more likely to give in to unhealthy habits (such as excessive phone scrolling).

It's not uncommon to hear about the benefits of eight hours of sleep on the body, but the brain needs sleep, too—it craves it.

The mind needs rest, especially frantic ones caught up in worries like mine. My days felt like a mental marathon, and no wonder sleep deprivation made it worse. I didn't give my mind enough time to reset and restore itself. I had been ignoring one of the biggest basics of recovery: sleeping for mental health.

Sleeping for Mental Health Education

To start caring about sleeping for mental health, I had to accept how serious it was. I firmly believe it is not talked about enough. Sure, it's no hidden secret that sleep is good for you, but I didn't understand how bad it was for you not to sleep. 

Sleep education was the first step I had to take to start prioritizing sleep, and here's how I learned: 

Sleep is a huge part of the human experience. It's not glamorous, fun, or exciting, but it is necessary. To keep a mind stable and sharp, sleep is essential. I regret the years I didn't let my mind rest. I no longer feel I am losing hours of my day sleeping; instead, I am now able to fully enjoy the moments I am awake because I did sleep for my mental health.

New beginnings can be powerful tools for building self-esteem, especially for those of us with mental health conditions. When you are struggling with your mental health, it can feel like you are stuck in a cycle of negativity and self-doubt However, embracing new beginnings offers an opportunity to break free from that cycle and embark on a journey of self-discovery, growth, and improved self-esteem. 

The Solar Eclipse as a Potent New Beginning

One particularly potent new beginning on the horizon is the upcoming solar eclipse and new moon. These celestial events symbolize renewal and transformation, making them ideal opportunities to set intentions and initiate positive changes in your life. Harnessing the energy of the solar eclipse and new moon can serve as a catalyst for boosting self-esteem and embracing new possibilities. 

However, new beginnings are not limited to celestial phenomena. They can take many forms, each offering its own unique benefits for improving self-esteem. One powerful way to kickstart a new beginning is through self-care practices. Whether it's dedicating time each day to mindfulness meditation, treating yourself to a relaxing bath, or engaging in activities that bring you joy, prioritizing self-care can help you feel more confident and worthy of love and attention. 

Creative Expression Can Boost Self-Esteem

Another avenue for fostering new beginnings is through creative expression. Whether you're painting, writing, dancing, or making music, engaging in creative pursuits allows you to tap into your innermost thoughts and emotions, fostering a sense of self-expression and empowerment. Through creativity, you can explore new facets of your identity and develop a deeper appreciation for your unique talents and abilities. 

Additionally, seeking out new experiences and challenges can be instrumental in building self-esteem. Stepping outside of your comfort zone and trying something new can be intimidating, but it can also be incredibly rewarding. Whether it's learning a new skill, traveling to a new destination, or meeting new people, embracing new experiences expands your horizons and reminds you of your resilience and adaptability. 

Furthermore, cultivating meaningful connections with others can serve as a powerful catalyst for personal growth and self-esteem. Surrounding yourself with supportive friends and loved ones who uplift and encourage you can help you feel valued and accepted as you are. Additionally, participating in support groups or therapy can provide a safe space to share your struggles and receive validation and guidance from others who understand what you're going through. 

In conclusion, new beginnings offer myriad opportunities for those of us with mental health conditions to improve self-esteem and cultivate a greater sense of self-worth. Whether it is harnessing the energy of celestial events like the solar eclipse and new moon, prioritizing self-care, exploring creative expression, seeking out new experiences, or fostering meaningful connections with others, embracing new beginnings can lead to profound personal growth and transformation. Remember, you are worthy of love, acceptance, and happiness; new beginnings can help you realize your full potential. 

In today's video, I identify various types of new beginnings that can be harnessed to improve self-esteem. 

For seven years, I was privileged to contribute to the Getting Through Tough Times blog on HealthyPlace, but now this author is saying goodbye. This mental health community has been my home. It was a safe place to share my journey through difficult times. I am very sad to be leaving. But before I do, I would like to share this post expressing what HealthyPlace has meant to me.

An Author Saying Goodbye Finds Hope Amid Dark Times

Before I started blogging for HealthyPlace, I was lost. Working overnights in an abusive work environment caused my mental health to plummet. I went to work, cried, slept, ate lunch, slept some more, cried, and repeated the routine for months. At times, the physical and emotional stress led me to have suicidal ideations.

In the fall of 2016, a college friend knew I was struggling. Knowing I wanted to do something with my college degree, he told me HealthyPlace was looking for bloggers. I was grateful to find a place where my voice would be heard. But I was also terrified of revealing my greatest vulnerabilities to the public. What if potential employers would read my posts and stigmatize me? What if people would think less of me for sharing my issues with anxiety and depression?

After writing for HealthyPlace for a few weeks, I realized that everyone will have an opinion about something. It is not my job to get people to like me. As a mental health advocate, my mission is to show people that they do not need to be ashamed of having a mental health condition.

The Getting Through Tough Times blog was not just a place for me to talk about my struggles; it was a place to share the coping skills that helped me navigate life through anxiety and depression. I enjoyed writing about the power of affirmations, meditation, support systems, and creativity. Through the writing process, I reminded myself that life gets better even during the most challenging times. Little moments of happiness make the difficulties worth it. I hope my writing also helped others struggling to find the light.

Expanding the Journey as This Author Says Goodbye

I am terrible with goodbyes. It's hard to leave something that was such a big part of my life for so long. Now that I have said what I needed to say here, I feel like it's time to take my writing elsewhere. It's time to focus more of my energy on finding new paths.

No matter where I go from here, HealthyPlace will forever hold a place in my heart. I will continue to read the blogs by other writers so that they may help me continue on my journey.

Thank you very much for reading my content. Please take care of yourselves. Practice self-love and compassion. Reach out for help when you need to. Remember that you are stronger than you realize. Also, you are never truly alone. You are loved.

Developing intimate relationships when you have posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can feel heavy, confusing, and downright terrifying at times. Growing up, I was a hypervigilant child, always trying to keep everyone safe. I didn't feel like I could trust anyone — especially not myself — and so I developed compulsions to forge a sense of control. I'd lock the door several times before bed, sometimes racing downstairs at 2 a.m. to check it was still locked. I'd turn down invites to sleepovers because I felt like I had to be with my parents in order to protect them (from what, I'm not sure). I'd ruminate for hours about the betrayals I'd faced and the roles I played in them. Posttraumatic stress disorder was making itself known in my relationships early.

As I got older, I began to notice how misunderstood and unseen I felt. I wondered how I could convince someone to see my side of the story — to get to the core of who I was and why I was acting in these ways. Perhaps that's why I started writing and sharing so openly.

When I started dating, I thought maybe this was it. Maybe someone really could see all of me — and not only see me but also love me. 

Posttraumatic Stress Disorder and My Relationships

As a woman in her late 20s, I've had my fair share of romantic relationships — some beautiful and healing, others gut-wrenching and damaging. Because of my trauma, I've struggled with trust (in myself and in my partners), intimacy, and authentic communication. When I say "trust," I don't mean that I fear someone will be disloyal and cheat on me. No, my fears are much deeper than that. I worry someone will put me in danger, manipulate me, take advantage of me, or even lie to me and compromise my sexual health. This is a vulnerable thing to admit, but it's simply part of dating after being sexually assaulted.

In high school, the first man I truly opened up to ended up using my childhood sexual assault as blackmail during a fight. He told me no one could ever love me, that I was damaged, and that my story was "embarrassing." I believed him. I carried that with me for quite some time. It's no wonder I never feel good enough in relationships, even to this day. (It's something I'm working on and, thankfully, have been making progress.)

This type of trauma and abuse has led me to compromise my values and often seek love in the wrong places. Then, when I end up getting hurt or acting in ways I'm not proud of, I shame myself so deeply that I end up worse off than before. The effects of PTSD on a relationship have become a vicious cycle at times.

But it's true what they say: what happened to you is not your fault, but it is your responsibility to heal. I cannot — and will not — use my childhood assault as an excuse to allow myself to accumulate even more trauma. Relationships with PTSD are difficult but not impossible. It just takes a certain type of partner to support and love you through your healing.

Thankfully, over time, I have also attracted good people and positive experiences. But when those relationships didn't work out, it felt like my world was crumbling. It felt like all my safety — my sense of home — was ripped away from me.

Loving and Losing Relationships with PTSD

Losing someone you love from a breakup is its own kind of torture. While heartbreak is painful for anyone, regardless of their history with trauma, it's especially confusing and harrowing for someone with PTSD.

It's hard for me to connect with someone fully, so when I do, it's usually a deep emotional bond. I'm not someone who can do "casual" dynamics or give myself away physically unless I am in love and feel 100 percent safe with the person. In other words, when I fall — which really isn't often — I fall hard.

All the loneliness, self-hatred, and shame from my childhood momentarily dissolve when I look into someone else's eyes and see my own grief on their face. But what happens when that love is taken away? What happens when a person decides to leave? What happens when I'm left only with myself — alone again?

In the past, I've viewed breakups as confirmation that everyone will betray or abandon me. The little girl inside of me tells me that person never loved or cared about me — that they only wanted one thing, or perhaps they saw me fully and decided I actually wasn't what they wanted. It feeds narratives that confirm how unloveable I am, just like that high-school crush told me.

These old beliefs do not serve me, and I've been working to release them. I've noticed my progress, but I've also noticed my inner critic will raise its voice any opportunity it has. It feels impossible to break the cycle sometimes, but I know healing isn't linear, and you don't need to be fully healed to be loved.

Forming Relationships with PTSD

To anyone who is dating and forming relationships with PTSD, know that you're not alone. Your thoughts might be powerful and loud, but they don't define you or your future. They're simply not true.

Loving and losing is a part of life. While some people might experience more heartbreak than others, I like to view my adversities as opportunities. Maybe I went through all of this for a reason, and maybe that reason is to share my experiences (like I am right now) with other people who are suffering. 

Opening your heart after trauma takes courage, and mending a broken heart by yourself takes real strength and power. These human experiences are reminders that we are still alive — still trying. How beautiful is that? 

I hope you never give up. I hope you know you are worthy of love despite what you've been through and what your brain is telling you. I hope you find true love — and I hope you find it in yourself first.