Darren's Boyfriend's Gay

Gay Teen Suicide Information Page

This page is written for the early teenager who has perhaps discovered he is gay, and doesn't feel to comfortable about it. It also has information for homophobes, suicidal people, and people who have had to deal with someone who has commited suicide. It is also a tribute to Darren.

Who was Darren?

Darren was my boyfriend. We met during the Summer holidays of 1997, he was 15 and I was 16. I told my best friend I fancied him, and he went and told him - it was planned, but I didn't expect it to work so well! We went out for just under a year. On Friday 6th February, at 4 p.m., he killed himself. He wrote me a suicide note - which his mother witheld until the day of his birthday (August 1st). It read:

Dear Alex,
It's difficult to know where to start,
but I'll do it by saying sorry. I'm sorry I
left you, I'm sorry I broke the promise. You
helped me so much, but when pain reaches the
limit it all means nothing. You know that.
Next I want to say thank you. You
dedicated your life to me, and I failed. You
were my shoulder to cry on. You got me off the
sh*t, but here I sit pumped full of it. I'm
not as strong as you.
I have written a note to my mum telling
her everything. I wanted her to know how much
you helped me.
Sorry, and I love you.

Darren.

I still miss him, a lot. When I first put this page up, it had been 9 months since his death, but I still can't get used to it, even now. He was going to come to college with me, perhaps even University if we were still together, and later we planned to set up in business for ourselves. It has left my life partly empty, not only when he did it, but now, and I suspect for the rest of my life.

Why did he kill himself?

It is still something that is fairly unclear to me, our friends and his family. It was a combination of reasons, I think. First of all, he wasn't happy being gay; he could never quite get used to himself. Another reason was that I was the only person that accepted what he was. Everyone else either avoided him because of his sexuality, or constantly abused him; beating him (and me) up, screaming obscenities, etc etc. He feared telling his mother because of what her reaction would have been. He was gay, and no one could accept it - that was him and everyone hated him for it.

The other reason was that a very good friend of his died in a road accident. It was sudden, and unexpected, as are most deaths. He'd taken time off school to deal with it, which I think for him wasn't the best idea. He was home alone, trying to deal with his feelings as best he could. He turned to drugs and alcohol. I tried to see him as much as possible, to help him. I even talked to him over the Internet moments before his suicide. Obviously, I still blame myself for this.

What are my feelings now?

I was told by a counselor to write a letter to Darren. At first, I thought this was a stupid idea. I reminded her that he was dead! But it was a good outlet for my feelings, and a method of sorting out what really was going on in my head. It was very difficult for me - it made me realise that I hated Darren for what he did. Don't get me wrong, I know that when you reach that stage there is very little chance of seeing other options (I've been there), but he still went ahead and did it. Someone told me it was touching that he wrote me a letter before doing it - it shows that he was thinking of me at the time. But if he was thinking of me, do I mean so little to him that he can just chuck in his life? It made me realise that I hated not only him, but me for letting it happen, and the people that constantly abused him because of his beliefs. Of course, I still miss him. If he was here now, I would take him into my arms, no questions asked. But that's the source of my anger - what he did was so... permanent.

What is it to be gay?

To be gay is to have a sexual attraction to people of the same sex as you, rather than the opposite sex. Many people carry the belief that gay people fancy everyone of the same sex - and steer clear of them. That is so wrong! Just like heterosexuals, homosexuals have preferences too, not just "stick it in any old hole" - in fact I'm gay, and I'm the most picky person of anyone I know when it comes to fancying someone! I spend every day in college, and out of nearly 4000 students, I've found only one person that I like, and I don't like my chances, so I've (almost!) forgotten about him.

I think everybody has a bit of "gay" in them. Most of us wouldn't want to admit it - not even to ourselves, but it's something I believe in. A girl blurted that out in a Math class of mine, I agreed and like everyone else didn't want to admit it, but something inside me said "go bright red", which I did. Everyone decided I was gay.

Advice to homophobes

It is understandable to feel slightly uneasy about another person of the same sex having feelings for you. But if they ask you out, simply tell them you're not that way inclined. I remember a friend of mine (who didn't know I was gay) frantically running home from a club one night, and saying "Help, a gay bloke asked me out!". He felt uneasy about the situation. But why? If a gay expresses his/her feelings about you, be flattered - by all means tell them its not for you, but be flattered. It could just as easily have been someone of the opposite sex.

If you feel very strongly about homosexuals, and you come across a gay person, don't abuse them. Please don't. They haven't done anything to you. If you feel unbearably uncomfortable around gay people, just walk away. I've had bricks through my window because of my sexual preference. It might not sound too bad to you - but just imagine a brick being thrown through your window right now. You run to the window to see, and a car revs it's engine before screeching off. You hear abuse being yelled out the window at you. The police couldn't do anything - I knew who it was but I couldn't prove it. I have done nothing what-so-ever to them. In fact, I was even their friends for awhile, but they decided to take out their feelings on me. And that's a large part of Darren's pain too - no one able to accept him.

Advice to homosexuals

You might be 8 years old, or nearing the end of your teens, or even entering your 20's when you realise you could be gay. There are different ways people handle that - sometimes they're completely okay with it, but others can have difficulty getting used to it. But this isn't something you need to deal with yourself. There are many people you can talk to - councillers, teachers, friends (if you trust them), and your parents if you believe they will be okay about it. A lot of people think their parents will go through the roof. It might be a good idea to keep it to yourself for awhile, at least until you're sure. I can't give much advice on this, it depends on the situation.

If you can't deal with it yourself, you should talk to someone about it. Being gay isn't the end of the world - in fact, far from it. My experience isn't the best example though. I've been through quite a bit. But I'm still here, and as I get older, and my friends get older, they will understand better. People are usually more accepting as they get older. At school or college, it might be difficult, but when you reach University or a job, it should become a lot easier. Saying that, I knew a few gay friends still at school, even at the age of 13 - and everybody is still good friends with them, accepting it without any problems. A good example is a 15 year old I know - everybody he knows loves him! Including me, but I won't go into that :)

Advice to any depressed readers

You might be feeling depressed for many reasons - I will assume that because you're reading this page, it's because you're gay. Whether it be a small depression, or a suicidal feeling, you should think about getting help. There are a lot of options available to you. If it is a minor depression, or a medium one lasting a few days, I have a few things that cheer me up:

Go out. I enjoy people's company, and after a few hours with them I'm laughing on the floor, even if I didn't feel like going in the first place. Friends are there for good times and bad.

Treat yourself. Is there a CD or computer game you've been meaning to get? Go get it! Spend a bit of money, and get something you've been wanting. Or just go window shopping - if you see a book you like, go get it!

Do something you enjoy doing. You probably don't feel up to much, but give it a go. If you like swimming, go and do it, at least for twenty minutes - you might do it longer when you realise you're enjoying it.

Listen to some "happy" music. I have a few tunes that I find make me happy - I just can't help moving my feet, and enjoying it. I don't know how many other people this works for, but try it.

If your depression is more severe, you'll be needing more severe methods of tackling it. But don't dismiss the examples I've given above - at least try them. They won't work for everybody, but it's worth trying. If not, don't worry. There is always an answer. With the help of this page, we can launch a full scale war against your depression; and you'll win. We'll make you happy again!

The next step is to confront your depression. Not so much your depression itself, but what is causing it. Have a think of what's been happening in your life recently, and write a list of the problems that may have caused your depression. It's now time to do something about it - work your way through the list, sorting out the problems, and ticking them off one by one. You can do it immediately, or over a day or week. But make sure the problems are sorted. Once they are, you should feel better for it - you now don't have any problems!

If you can't sort out the problems by yourself, it might be time to talk to someone about it. There are many places to look for help. Try looking close to you at first - your friends and family. Ask them if they would mind spending an hour or so with you - they might be able to throw a new perspective on things. The main aim is to sort out the problems together - if you can't get rid of the depression, aim for the heart of the problem.

You might feel that parents, brothers or sisters, friends or teachers aren't the right people to talk to. Does your school or college have a counciller? If they do, have a visit. Don't be ashamed - everyone has problems they need to deal with, and it is a lot easier to do with help. I visit my counciller regularly - although she can't give advice, she asks questions about what has been happening, and it helps me understand it more; to put it in some sort of logical order. Sometimes they aren't able to give advice, like my counciller, but it does help your brain understand what is happening - it puts everything in order and into perspective. If your college or school doesn't have a counciller, you can write or telephone to a number of organisations.

I might not have inspired ideas for you to deal with your depression, or to bother dealing with it at all. I am very sorry I haven't managed to help - but please don't give up hope. Here are some other web sites about depression. Take the time to read through a few of those - they have different perspectives on depression and how to deal with it - one that might help you. But don't give up.

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