Love and DID: Sometimes More is Less
Today, I'm pausing my discussion of the contributing factors in the development of Dissociative Identity Disorder to talk about Dissociative Identity Disorder and relationships. Navigating relationships may be the single biggest challenge I encounter living with DID. I see the havoc my disorder wreaks on my most intimate relationships and I feel helpless to do anything about it. I watch my partner in particular struggle with abandonment, loneliness, and the chaotic nature of DID and I know that more personalities doesn't always mean more love.
Sometimes More is Less
I met a woman once who told me that " ... a pound of crazy weighs more than ten pounds of awesome." It hurt to hear and that comment is a big part of why we never became friends. Even so, I see her point. Sometimes all the fabulous I can muster can't compete with the destabilizing effects of DID. Loving me means accepting abandonment, making friends with loneliness, and strapping yourself in for a wild and sometimes nauseating ride. One day you're loved and adored, the next you're treated with cold indifference. Some alters see you as a comrade, but not a romantic partner. To some you're a nuisance; to some a playmate. To others you're a stranger, or even a threat. And it isn't as though you can choose who you interact with or, as in my case, even expect the courtesy of knowing who you're dealing with at any given moment. Intimate relationships are difficult enough without that degree of ambiguity and inconsistency. Love cannot live on sporadic nourishment, no matter how delicious.
Everyone seems to grow thin with me
and their eyes grow black as hunters' eyes
and search my face for sustenance.
All my friends are dying of hunger,
there is some basic dish I cannot offer,
and you my love are almost as lean
as the splendid wolf I must keep always
at my door. -from Memoirs of a Mad Cook, by Gwendolyn MacEwen
Sometimes Less is Enough
My partner has learned to live with hunger. Parts of my system have worked tirelessly to push her away, with many near-successes. She's in a relationship with someone who repeatedly leaves. Once she described it to me saying:
"Imagine you're having a conversation with someone. In the middle of your sentence, they turn to stare out the window and they're gone. You're talking to yourself."
This kind of small abandonment is part of her daily life. The loneliness that results is bound to be all the more frustrating knowing that somewhere in that body is your partner, but you can't get to them. I vacillate between struggle to alleviate that loneliness and feeling resentful of it. I can't make up for all the losses in my intimate relationships without incurring some of my own. So my partner and I try to accept the limits of DID. Fortunately for me, she decided long ago that ten pounds of awesome does in fact weigh more than a pound of crazy.
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APA Reference
Gray, H.
(2010, August 23). Love and DID: Sometimes More is Less, HealthyPlace. Retrieved
on 2024, December 24 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/dissociativeliving/2010/08/love-and-did-sometimes-more-is-less
Author: Holly Gray
I need help knowing how to handle my boyfriend and how to behave on my end when he switches. I would appreciate advice from anyone willing to give it. How can I help him to feel more safe with me? He has told me I’m the only person he’s ever thought about marrying and then later saying he doesn’t feel called to marry me. We go from having a great time to I want to break up….one time he left for a month and one time 2 but most of the time it’s a couple to a few days. This has gone on almost 4 years. He says he’s never gone on a date or cheated on me and I believe he’s telling the truth. He is the one I want to spend my life with but I want to know how I can handle the switch where he’s less traumatized and feels safer staying. Any advice is appreciated.
As a person on the DID end of this interaction with my (our?) own partner, I would appreciate being approached as a different person when my alters switch. Get to know me again. Because I find it really agitating when I'm approached romantically as the same person who is in the relationship, and how everything already feels assumed of me to behave exactly as my alter regardless of whether this is the case or your intention. Having to mask our whole lives as one singular alter to avoid being ostracized or alienated, this is a burden that everyone except for the alter being imitated is fed up with and traumatized by more likely than not.
From the story you told, it sounds like you know when your partner's alters switch.
I'm sorry this was written in the first/second person. But maybe apply this to your situation with a grain of salt.
Hello,
I am a student studying theatre and psychology.
I am currently trying to write a play about somebody who has DID, because I think movies and plays that are out show people living with it as being dangerous and that is hardly ever the case. I was wondering if you knew of anyone with DID who would be interested in helping me with this ? Maybe reply to this comment if you do.
It’s amazing that you are doing appropriate research, I wish more “people of the arts” had that much compassion. Instead of continuing society normals for ratings/ number of audience attendance. The struggles portrayed by Hollywood are presented as if this disorder is fun to have or the ones diagnosed should never see the light of day. All forgetting the one thing everyone with this disorder has in common, they experienced SEVERE TRAUMA repeatedly for years during their developmental stage of childhood and after. Again children being abused, sexually, physically, emotionally, and/or neglected. Stay with me for a little longer during my venting period. Children need a caregiver, someone who is nurturing and a protector. Imagine never having anyone there to Comfort you during your time of need, protecting you from danger, or providing for your basic needs. Having no reference for healthy relationships, no healthy boundaries, no healthy way to manage daily struggles. The list goes on and on, majority of the time (case by case basis) there is no role model or caregiver to look up to. It’s about trying to figure out away to survive in such a hectic environment. Those same habits sadly carry on to adulthood, that make it hard to trust anyone. Take a moment to think about it: how would you survive?
A good reference would be Kathy Steele, her research is incredible and very informative. Books like treating trauma related dissociation and coping with trauma related dissociation are good. Dr. Van Der Hart has a book called the Haunted Self, haven’t read it but I am told it’s good. There are other books that talk about fragmentation of the personality which might help with your research.
The first step is to have sympathy, compassion, and be non-judge-mental to any alter/part/head mate. That is what every host needs to learn (more avoidant parts), which I find is true with friends and family of the survivors. That is what they are SURVIVORS.
I have did, so I have personality tells me I love a girl on another side tells me I don't love her so I am very confused
Hi, i'm currently researching DID as i think my partner has it, a few days ago she asked me to be her boyfriend and yesterday she changed im nothing more than a creepy stranger to her now and i guess im just finding it hard to adjust, not knowing how long this will last or how to deal with it, assuring her that im not just some weirdo trying to manipulate her. This is painful, i just hope that she comes back so we can work on this but as of now she doesnt even want to speak to me.
Hi Luca I’ve experienced the same with my ex.
Now for the second time to be honest.
It has been 2 weeks & he blocked me from everything & while I tried to reach for him, he doesn’t want any contact.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend, then 3 days later he changed his mind.
He is also an avoidant in the relationship.
What I am learning is that is completed difficult for me to have any type of emotional instability here, so I’m letting it go. It’s hard, but probably the best for me.
I see his doing as ‘ selfish ‘ but by the end of the day he has an illness, but now I’m left in pieces & suffering anxiety for this.
I hope you can be strong & over this
The guy I have been talking to recently admitted to me that he has a second personality that takes over sometimes. He says it’s constantly trying to control him and get him to do bad things. I think that he thinks he possessed. I’ve seen something similar to this with an old friend of mine who did but I never met or talked to his alters knowing that it wasn’t him. Last night I was talking to the guy I’ve been recently and he kept referring to himself as he wasn’t himself, so I knew something was off. His alter seems to think he’s not even human, and that is simply possessing the boys body when needed. He was telling me he was going to have him hurt himself and then hung up on me. I kept calling and texting and finally he answered confused and saying he didn’t remember anything. I’m afraid his second personality is dangerous. To himself and others.
Hi Isabelle, this sounds exactly like my ex boyfriend - I can relate. Thankfully he hasn’t done anything physically harmful to himself that I know of, but he says one of his ‘alters’ (although we’re still discovering this so he’s not actually called them alters) is very aggressive and has invasive, dangerous thoughts; telling him to do stupid things and take big, irresponsible risks. He’s my ex but even before we got together we were best mates, and still are now but we do still have feelings there, and as someone who loves someone with DID (at least it’s looking like DID, things over the years of being together do match up/make sense, we’d just not recognised it before) I’m so lost with this right now. I do feel like I could help and support him though: I have almost endless patience and consideration, mindfulness and love, which is what someone with DID needs. I guess I’m writing here in search of someone else that can relate to someone I’m my position. I so desperately want to gain some clarity on this and help and support my ex in any way that I can.
My ex partner was currently told he could have Bpd but throughout time I’m seeing a shift in personality’s one minute he’s one person who loves and the next minute he’s evil, one minute he doesn’t wear hats and the next minute when he’s switched he’s wearing hats, he think he’s okay and nothings wrong and his family don’t see it but in the past 2 months he’s left me in an evil way and comes back telling me he’s okay again now and then next minute boom the other persons back, I can see it because his whole thinking splits and the person he becomes, the other darkness to him must hate me because he always dumps me and says horrible stuff and the next week or two nathan comes back
My fiance and I have been together for almost 3 years now, He have a did, I knew this from the beginning because I was actually dating one of his alter, things happened between me and his alter which caused us a break up but the host, which is my fiance now was in love with me so we got together, time passed I'm starting to get to know all his personalities, I had a lot of struggles due to them trying to split me and my fiance or their just acting mad, but I stopped everything and came to a situation where all his personalities finally accepting me, they're all good friends to me, two of them are in love with me, which was my ex and another alter of his, We've been talking a lot but my fiance got really jealous often, so I really don't know what to do, Does returning the alter's feelings for me considered as cheating? Even though they're living in the same body?
Hi! As a “system being”, or person who has DID, I think I may answer that.
There is something about us, systems, that I think none of us like. I don’t know how your fiance developed DID, but I may say that’s the most important thing is that we’re not only one person. I know it may seem obvious but it is very important for some of us to be considered as different person. For example, there’re some people who calls me by the host name, even when they know I’m fronting. And this is terrible. It’s like if I do not exists and this is such a painful feeling. So yes, it’s totally normal that your fiance react the way he react. For him, you’re returning feelings to another person and it doesn’t matter if this person is an alter or not. I know it’s hard but you must “choose” your partner and remember that a system is not just a person, but a few different person.
I hope that can help you, do not hesitate to write me on Discord if you have another question (Flamelios#1503)
Have a lovely day,
Flamelios
Hello, im a 14 year old girl named Alex. for the past months ive been talking to a guy named Aiden (15), online. we videocalled and stuff though. but a week ago a girl went on his account and said Aiden wasnt real. sje said she was the real one. Now i didnt know that she had DID so it was hard for me. But she explained that she faked being Aiden because she thought i would like her more. Now it was hard for me, but i loved Aiden and her so i forgave her and we talked together and called. She looked the same and i thought everything was gonna turn back to normal. Until Vilte and me were talking about some book we read and suddenly i saw a change in her way of texting. I didnt think anything of it and continued, until i called her Vilte and her response was: Who’s Vilte? I’m Aiden dummy.
So what ive heard she told me i told Aiden that he wasnt real and that Vilte shouldnt play games with me. he kept saying he was Aiden and that Vilte was one big fake. Now i got really confused. So i blocked him for a bit.
i have their cousins number because we talked sometime. So i asked him about it, he explained that they had a split personality. Ot took some time for me to understand but eventually i understood. I asked what i should do but since he doesnt like me very much (it’s a long stiry but it doesnt matter) he said thats my problem and went offline.
So i deblocked Aiden and apologized. He asked why i was so rude so me being dumb explained it to him. At first he didnt believe me but the longer i explained him he started to understand. so he went and asked his parents about it. They confirmed it so he started thinking about it. Of course i understood it was a lot to take in so i tried to get him to relax and stuff. But then he said he needed to go get a mirror. Now he never looked in the mirror before, because he wasnt alowed to (i don’t know why, i guess his parents did that to not make it complicated for him?) so i told him he shouldnt do that tonight sonce i dont know if he could take that. since he has panic atracks a lot. So i tried to stop him by saying he could look later. but he went offline. Now it’s 00:20 so i cant go to him but he didnt respond in 30 minutes now. i’m getting really worried.
thank you if anyone read this, i needed to talk about it sonce it is a lot to take in for me
too. I just turned 14 and before this i didnt even know what DID was.
I’ve currently been with my fiancé almost husband for almost 2 wonderful years and it’s also been a struggle… he has 26 different alters. Me and him both only want a monogamous relationship but they make it hard they get angry with me and go do something out of context some have even wanted their own relationship and me and him are not okay with it. But lately he’s been colder we even took a break back in April. I love this man more than anything we even have a baby together and hoping for so much with each other his father even wants us to get married. He adores his dad and so do they. The main group is made up of five people they’re the ones who appear the most. Colt, Damon, Eric, Embir, and a five year old. I just don’t know how it’s going to work I’m tired of being broken down by finding other women in his phone assuming it’s my fiancé talking to them. Embir is a female and she only wants me in a sexual sense but also time being the only one she’s been able to tolerate. Damon wanted a relationship with someone else but I think he’s just mad because my fiancé won’t let him touch me in a sexual way. Colt he’s just a ball of anger literally I haven’t spoken to him in months but he let me name him because my fiancé had him hidden away because of how bad it was when he was a teenager (constant fights because of bullying). Eric doesn’t see me in the way Embir or Damon does, he's more quiet but he’s happy I’m here I guess, my fiancé didn’t clarify it. But my fiancé also told me they’re ALL trying to keep me happy. I just feel like I’m holding my own emotions over it and they hate me for it, I don’t want my fiancé to catch any type of disease or to hear people talking about how I’m stupid for being with him because he’s screwing around. I dont know how to keep them at bay with just me.. but it hurts to think that they use my fiancé’s name and accounts for all of their stuff. Because that’s just taking advantage of the situation in my eyes. They don’t wanna share me with anyone but they wanna do their own thing. I think it’s wrong on so many levels, it’s like telling children no and they do it anyway.
My So says she has 6 alters. I have only met 4 of them. Two of the alters I rarely see, but they will text. The other two, we are insanely in love with each other. It took me months to figure out what was going on and now I can tell the difference between them. One day I ask the host a question and she told me that my relationship is with her and the one other...both of them wanted a relationship with me. Each have different wants/needs ect. Although each make me happy, it is both combined that make me complete. This has been a learning curve for sure. I get less upset as time goes on....I used to ask wth is the problem when one day she would make love to me and the next wants to be a dominant and rule. Finally figured it out. After a year, the more I learn, the more I love them. So anyone struggling, educate yourself and hang in there.
I am glad to find this site. I have done some work regarding Parts Integration during the past decade and had a therapist who I saw regularly for a few years after a hospital stay. She was both a RN and a therapist. I eventually felt pretty trusting of her and believe that I was able to actually reveal my inner self to her...then, she retired and I had to start seeking a new therapist. This was very discouraging after spending years developing a therapeutic relationship. I find it both exhausting and humiliating to have to inform new people about my childhood and decades of adaptive struggles. A bigger problem that I struggle with is that I forget that I have mental health issues and what they are. I mean, I remember that I deal with ongoing suicidal ideation because I carry it daily. I know that I have situational anxiety but that is better thatn the generalized anxiety that I used to live with. Recently I have had a memory incident and received a letter regarding an event and interaction that I participated in a couple of weeks ago but without any memory of. Receiving this letter and then making a follow-up phone call has brought-up for me the fact that I have memory issues that I forget about...a terrifying loop. I have just requested from my former therapist a written letter offering me an overview of the work we did and what my diagnosis was...because I do not recall it. I have had some therapy since my time with her but do not recall the depth of work. A psychiatrist that I have seen a few times has no record of my talking about lost memory issues. And that's the crux of this situation: if I forget that I have dissociation, then I can trick myself into not realizing that I have dissociation...until proof pops us again (like this letter incident) that reveals that I lose memories...not the long-ago memories but even recent ones only weeks old. Now I feel re-traumatized and am attempting to scrape together fragments of my diagnosis. Discontinuity of care is an additional challenge. If I keep having different doctors and medical professionals and little long-term history, I have little accountability. A part of me is very good at hiding this from myself. Evidently, I am also efficient at dissociating during therapy in such a way that I manage to avoid informing new therapists of my dissociating concerns. How self-defeating is this? I have a difficult time trusting myself to make good decisions for my own well-being. I contacted my M.D. (a new one) after the recent letter incident. I let her know that I have a history of lost memories and that I forget that I experience lost memories. She is scheduling a series of tests and referring me to a Neurologist. I might have had a brain scan in the past...I don't really remember. I immediately informed my adult daughter and sister of the appointments that I need to fulfill- so that they can keep me accountable. I realize that other parts of me are capable of undermining my own treatment out of fear of exposure. I feel very humiliated and embarrassed to acknowledge that I am so broken inside. The vulnerability feels unbearably threatening. My hands are icy typing this here. To be so weak and incapable is suffocating./deafening/devastating. Still, feel relieved that there is a space where others might empathize with some of what I experience. Most of the time I am oddly functioning...but my perspective is very possibly skewed... I try to keep a level of humor because my life is absurd.
I have DID my name is Linda my Host is a male! We are bisexual from disorientation. I am the one who is more in love than all and I am the one who gets the most rejection! I spend most of my time alone. When our relationship started there was a natural flow a beautiful balance! We let her know about our condition so she would have a choice sand she chose to be with us! She incouraged me and the other female Cristina to be and got us dressed up! An intimacy was just as beautiful as she is also bisexual! 6 months into the relationship all of that changed! She started to reject me an Cristina an especially me! She can be the sweetest person but after about an hour or two with me I get the cold shoulder! It has been really painful!and I am one of the most dominant, so it has even caused two of the male alters to lash out in my defense! And triggers uncontrollable switches! It has me at times feeling suicidal! Our family doesn’t acknowledge or deal with us, I have very few friends, I face constant hate and stigma outside my house an now I face rejection an loneliness in my own relationship! The sad thing is she is our high school sweet heart! We have been together for almost two years, an before that we were all n a 15 year marriage which was so painful it’s a miracle we are still standing! Only to be with our true love an be experiencing the same things but a ten times more painful because she was always our true love!
Dear Linda,
I’m so please to hear someone who finally is in the same situation as I do.
I’m Flamelios and my host is a male too, which isn’t always easy for me, I must admit. I’m also kind of alone because all the friend I make are in fact host’s friends, because we hide our trouble. So sometimes I feel like I do not exists, because I’m just playing a game and no one know they’re talking to me. I also felt suicidal a few months ago and that ended with two months in coma. But know I’m back and I’m fine. I must say that I can neither have a relationship with anyone, because everybody considers me as a boy and even if I’m pansexual, I sometimes act “like a girl” which make people feel awkward towards me.
So I just wanted to say thank you very much for the words you’ve written here, I’m happy to know I’m not the only one with this complicated configuration.
And never forget that even if only a a few friends, here you do have some.
If you wanna talk longer about it (what I’d be pleased to), we can chat on DIscord (Flamelios#1503)
Have a good day,
Flamelios
Laura i thabk you so much for being able to wright this out! You are so strong and it helps others such as my self who most of the time do not even know how to explain or to get what your trying to say about this dissorder. Most of the time for myself its only once in a blue moon that what i say and mean come out making complete sense. Trying to explain the disorder from our point of view is so difficult and frustrating. I have a hard time getting through everyday. I always say " I have good and bad day's throughout the day, everyday!" Everything is so hard to deal with and cope with, trying to stay on top of things that we want to help and better our own selve's for, and being stopped by an unknown fault of our own. It is extremely difficult to acknowledge but mostly admit to whats going on is the hardest thing about D.I.D. i am thanking you again for sharing this woth so many who are confused. Thank you!
If you can .........avoid relationships with did,mpd disorders at all costs it is a lost cause before youve even started for both sides..it will destroy you in the end .you cannot have a normal loving relationship its impossible..you dont even know who they are most of the time unless its the original alter/host/person???? who you actually felt something for ...you might only meet them once in a week the rest of the time your in limbo.....please think long and hard before you jump in.
Oh how I wish I didn’t realize too late! She’s in denial ( well her one alter is) and she has no clue why I’m such a mess mentally.
so i know this person who has DID. we're pretty good friends, but i think i've developed a crush on one of his alters. is that a bad thing? because i don't exactly like him, but his alter. and i also have no idea if his alter is gay or not so :/
Why did I have to attract this? I will never know
most difficult and saddest three years of my life. I don’t wish anyone to go through this tiring relationship. You are left feeling abandoned all the time
yes i know it absolutly destroyed me...i wanted to give the young lady i met in greece all the love i posessed and i swore to her i would stand beside her and fight for her to my last breath..in the end i was left a former shell of myself ..i was decimated exhausted both mentally emotionally and physically...i had to throw in the towel in the end and that hurt me more than anything....i still think of her and still remeber the first time i met her ..her alter ( not understanding) at the time was a lovely woman called melanie that i met..... i didnt know anything about mpd/ did then and i thought thats who she was but i was wrong obviously once the other alters started to manifest it got soo tough it was blinding...my heart breaks for her she was a beautiful looking woman.ive done a lot of research ever since and i hope one day god puts a cure in front of all did mpd sufferes my heart bleeds for them
Thank you for your understanding of how this affects us as well. I wish you the best always. You must be an Angel from God ❤️
Yes i also feel in love with someone with did i basically get long with all expect one who is bisexual very sneaky the cause of our breakups.. Ive educated myself. about did so i can deal with things alittle better its not the bisexual issue its the lies and cheating being sneaky all together. Any advice?
So I'm dating someone with did, and they have 3 alters. But the system has a negative alter they call alpha that recently took control of the host and I'm pretty sure alpha is going to be in control for a while. I feel helpless and I just don't know what to do.
I'm currently dating someone with DID for about 2 months now, and they have 3 alters, but one of them is a negative alter he calls Alpha. One of his other alters warned me that if anyone were to mention anything about popularity, Alpha would take over the host. Alpha took control of the host while he was riding the bus home today and I feel as If I can't do anything to help him, I talked to Alpha over text and I feel like the negative alter isn't going to let the host take control anytime soon, and I just don't know what to do.
Hi. We have the same situation, i would love to sit down and talk if that interests you.
Email me at jangaffud@gmail.com
Hey my name is Zamo, my lover suffers from DID, well it started back in 2017 he thought and probably still thinks he's possessed. Ever since it started he's been pushing me away telling me to stay the hell away from him for some reason. Then after some time, sometimes after a few hours sometimes after a few days or even a couple of months he's come back and tell me how sorry he is and how he can't live without me and how he's never loved anyone like he loves me. Bc I love him i let him back in. He's practically the only person i trust with my life even though he's a ticking bomb. Idk but something about that just makes fall even more in love w him. He's the only man I've ever loved.
We're really too young for all of this. But I try in all ways possible. I'm even considering studying psychology to just understand more about this disorder. Currently we've separated and he's been pushing me away, ignoring my calls and driving himself crazy. I text him almost everyday to show him that I care since he won't answer my calls. He sent me a message just once last week Wednesday wishing me a good day and reminding me to take care of myself. I won't give up on him, i love him and he knows it. I just don't know what do anymore and it's driving me insane pls help!
I have DID and i reverently got rejected by my partner who i suspect had undiagnosed DID.I would seriously guard your own mental health.DID is a serious illness.Is the guy , you are with getting, therapy or even have the capacity to commit to a relationship with you? Love has boundaries and limits.Please take care of yout mental health you are real danger of developing mental health issues or even PTSD symptoms if you are repeatedly exposed to the abandonement cycle.It does eat away at your sense of worth.I dont know how long you have been in this relationship.But you need to seriously comsider , whether you have the time , suppprt network yourself & are potentially willing to have your own needs unmet.
I was emotionally starved for two years being with my ex partner who also had addiction issues.1 month on of being separated from him and it feels like a plane crashed and im left to figure out what exactly happened.He suggested he would cheat if i didnt meet his needs.He had narcissit qualities too as well as being manipulative and abusive..
I pray your partner doesnt have these traits, but if he does i would say walk away now.My ex partner knew i loved him, inflew half way around the world to see him.In the end he used the love i had for him to try to abuse and degrade me.I would say if you are being repeatedly abandoned its something you have to learn to live with as part of DID or walk away.Dont feel guilty for it you have yo love yourself more than the person you are with.
I hope you make the right decision
Hey I need some help, my now ex who had a crush on me for 5-6 years straight and when the pandemic started she got admitted to the hospital for self harm.... recently she says that while she was there she claimed she didn’t miss me... now she blocked me on two apps and left the other three untouched but still uses them... I think she is mad at me for over pushing things and claims that me and her aren’t friends.... I’m freaking out and I don’t know what to do.... is there any advice I can use to get her in the end... during our relationship she was the happiest she was when it was me and her.... we had some ups and downs with my parents highly disliking her.... what can I do???? I’ll do anything to get her back again
Does anyone know anything about DID and using a polyamorous relationship to balance things out? I've found in my latest relationship that adopting a thrupple idea with my girlfriend seems to work for the system (a 3 girl thrupple) for me it really seems like everyone gets the right amount of attention just when they need it.
Yes. I'm close to two people with DID, and non-monogamy is a godsend. I don't think these relationships would thrive or possibly even endure without them having the flexibility non-monogamy allows, as well as me being able to get support and stability from other relationships (though both my DID darlings give me everything they've got and are amazing, inspiring people—well worth the effort and periodic heartache <3).
Hello. Im the SO to somebody with DID. I really feel like I'm struggling with having my needs met. I have mentioned to her about wanting a third person for me to feel fulfilled. But it scares her. Do you have any advice for me? Please
I'm ethically non-monogamous, and am closely partnered with a system with OSDD (the host of which is also ethically non-monogamous). I'd be careful about the idea that non-monogamy is a catch-all workaround - "Relationship Broken, Add People" almost never works. Non-monogamy is HARDER than monogamy in a lot of ways, due to added complexity and running cross-grain to many cultural relationship norms.
I'd encourage you to check out Poly.Land and More Than Two if you're seriously considering adopting an ethically non-monogamous relationship. The latter has a Do's and Don'ts article that's particularly good.
My SO has a host who is non-monogamous, but an Alter who is insanely jealous, hidden, and brings out the protector. It is impossible to negotiate or even talk about. So, it can work, but is definitely not for everyone.
Could I maybe be some help? My email is lexeysheridanart@yahoo.com if you want to reach out to me privately
I have DID and I just recently found out last summer. I just started a new relationship but my alters keep trying to reach out to my ex bc they believe we are suppose to be with him. I fight with them all day long and they dont like my currebt SO. We talk about getting married but they dont think she can handle us. I'm scared im making the wrong choices all the time and i dont know what to do or what im in control of anymore. They drive her away and then i bring her back. I haven't told my current SO that they contacted him. I have blocked him a few times hoping my alters will get the clue to stop. I feel like i should be by myself bc i cant control my/their actions and words. I have one thats really mean when i get upset and switch. I need help to navigate all this. The few stories i read about people having and keeping relationships is hopeful but is it really fair to be with someone and make them suffer forever?
I needed to write this somewhere because for the past month I've been searching for a way to help my loved one. But failed to find any solution...
I met him 5 years ago, knew he had DID but still fell for him. He had a gf at the time so I stepped back and the moment he broke up with his gf I stepped back further causing him to think I abandoned him... Because of that, he got with another girl for 3 years and when he decided he wants to be with me he broke off with her but it was pretty ugly as I thought he clarified everything the moment he got with me but after he went back to another country because of his studies, I found out he had to meet his ex to give her a closure.
The most dramatic part was, we had shared a lovely 2 and a half month together as a couple, only to be separated because of his concussion. He got robbed when he was going to find his ex and because he couldn't contact me, I was frantically worried but honestly, I hated the fact that he was with his ex the whole time.
He told me another alter took over and then we didn't talk for a while and after a few days, his other alter told me that his memories are messed up and he thinks he is still with his ex. I suspect I have BPD so at this point, I could only feel him leaving me.
Thoughts on my mind at that time were pretty obvious which was just how I was not enough for him and he probably loved his ex more than me and what he told me were just lies. Which was why he could leave me so easily 3 years ago and this wouldn't be an exception...
I believed those and it made our relationship even harder... especially when he completely disappeared. His other alter was all over his ex and I had to hear all those from his alter... Being miles away from him, I wish I could have just went over and maybe try to make things right but knowing that I may actually be useless in the end... that I am actually not loved by him killed me... Because of his DID, I too made myself think I have DID or more like I went all the way to isolate myself and created another character that could help me live and take care of myself.
Till today, I still miss him and recently I got to talk to his alter whom said that he is around but he isn't the one that I know... His alter said that the him now is emotionless and that just made me felt guilty because I feel as if I made him this way... If I never appeared , he would never had to suffer like this.. But I really want to work things out with him...
I know I may deserve someone better or he may too but I really just want to be with him, support him and at least I just want to work things out with him during this tough period... I really wish he would come back and patch things up with me..
I told his alter I would wait for him for 2 years but... as time pass, I'm healing.. The want to be with him doesn't change but I'm scared that he'd just run away from me like before and... I'm trying so hard to fight and survive but I don't know what to do... I just want him back... I just want him to be happy, healthy and safe...
Please come back...
Yuki
Firstly, thank you so much for this post. I was engaged to a woman who I now believe to have had DID. It's strange because I'd prior researched DID years before meeting her and when I was in a relationship the thought didn't even cross my mind that she may have had DID. I was raised in a Christian home and the belief was that people who suffer from DID are in actual fact possessed, a belief which I do not agree with in the slightest after being engaged to a sufferer. I say sufferer but in actual fact I love the fact that she has this condition. I love her personalities and I naturally treated each of them differently. We called the child "little her" and (I'm assuming the host) "big her", she'd also switch to (what I was lead to believe was our future children). I would go with her into her flashbacks and help her escape from her traumatic experiences. She knew that her safe place was with me and when I would say certain words or play a specific song I had made she would switch back and come out of her flashback. She would have many seizures, she told me that she had been diagnosed with MND, which is a terminal illness, and that she didn't have long to live. She suffered with anxiety and OCD. She said that was the reason why her body would shut down and she would have seizures due to an allergic reaction to her medication. We went through a lot together in such a short space of time and it's the most intense relationship I've ever been in. It was strange because I was able to communicate with her telepathically (I know that sounds weird but it's true). She could hear everything I was thinking. Things changed when one time she came out of the bathroom and looked at me as though she didn't have a clue who I was. I then had to explain to her what had happened over the past few months, big events that she had no recolection of. She looked at me as though I was a stranger and she didn't trust me, that hurt beyond belief. Because I didn't know exactly what was going on I started to get suspicious of her. A lot of her actions (constantly disappearing, being off with me, starting arguments just so she could leave) lead me to believe that there was something else going on. I eventually found out that she was literally living a double life. She was already in a relationship and had children. I don't know who I was engaged to. This broke me. I still believe there's a part of her that loves me as I do her but for whatever reason that part is not allowed to take control. Side note, because this is also quite interesting. She was able to tell the future and when I mentioned about me talking to her alters that I believed to be our children, well, strangely after parting I ended up getting into another relationship with a woman who was the same age as "little her" and her younger siblings had the exact same character traits, ages and even one of them has the same name as her alters that I believed to be our children. I couldn't make this up if I tried. I'm always going to love her, I feel as though she's my twin flame. I really bought into her past almost as though it was my own (in a different lifetime). I hope she's okay and that she finds love because she truly deserves it. My life is better for the fact of meeting her. For one, I'd still be living in the closet now if she didn't help me. She opened my eyes to so much and I thank every part of her. I don't really know why I wrote this I just needed to share my story with someone who might understand.
Side Note... the "little her" I'm referring to is 18 before anyone gets the wrong idea.
How did you do it? How did you integrate yourself into your partners life like that and learn so much. I want to do that. My SO just confirmed his DID and diagnosis to me on Friday. I want to help him and love them all. I need guidance.
Hi there! Here's from another someone who's in a relationship with someone who has been diagnosed with DID about a year ago. Every system works differently so all other people can do is offer you perspectives, but they don't need to apply to you. What I learned within that year: be open your SO but don't expect all of them to reciprocate immediately. It takes a lot of patience and you should always put your own needs and self love first to "endure" it. Some might never open up completely but that's not because they don't love you. It's just a difficult process. Accept that while you are in a relationship with your SO, the kind of relationship you will have might always depend on who is in control at the time. Also keep in mind that you don't have to feel the same about all of them and that if this compromises your relationship in a way that hurts you, then you are always free to leave it. If you want to take this conversation further, leave a reply and I can give you my mail!
Hey, I would like to know more information if possible. I am presently in a realtionship for about 1 month and my partner
just disclosed she has DID. I have read many of the articles, mostly negative and can't help still wanting to move forward.
Hey I just came across this article and it completely blew my mind. I was diagnosed with DID from my psychiatrist about a year and a half ago but what they described was nothing like this at all. i was talking to her about how i was feeling and missing time and forgetting and feeling like i was squished in my own skin or taller and broader than i really am and it always made things so difficult. i cant keep my thoughts together and it seems like every few seconds i'm loosing track of something and its like im slowly losing my mind.
i can remember the most random things but i cant for the life of me put a name to a face or remember what someone just said or forget what im saying while im saying it...half of what comes out of my mouth feels like nonesense....i dont know...i guess im at plate 0 and just realizing there's other people in my head and it scares me, makes me wonder if I'm just an alter ...makes me worry about...everything...
I was a significant other of someone with DID. In the beginning, she told me about having "alter egos" and the way people joke about that and use the word "crazy" so loosely, I thought she was joking. She never sat me down and discussed it seriously or let me know what I was getting into. Because of that, I didn't understand why our relationship mimicked an EKG report. The up and down wore me out! It wasn't until I witnessed her going from child like to the mean version that I knew she really was battling DID. it was then when I started reading up on it to learn more and see if there is help for it. I told her that I read up on it and that support groups and therapy is possible. Her response was that she thought she was beyond help. I told her that I had read stories about people who thought the same thing but once they got help they were good. She still showed no interest. I told her that I'd be there for her and go with her, she still made excuses. When we would get into it because she was having an alter it would drain me so much. I couldn't see staying with her if she refused to get help. I feel bad because I know it's not her fault, it's the condition. It would start to affect my every day life and how I interacted with people. I couldn't let that happen. I will always love her. In addition to did she also suffers from bipolar disorder, anxiety, and PTSD. All of which she refused medication because she feels it's poison. I am so happy to have found this forum and I hope people are still responding because I would love a response to my situation.
Hi Holly,
Your article is exactly what I've lived through. My now ex bf of 7 months he suffers from DID. I was with him through 2 major changes the first one 5 and half months was with an alter, then the last month and half was with the one born in the body. They were both loving and caring and I grew to love them both deeply. They had said that they were the last two personalities left. I was a judgement free place for them to communicate about the others and their feelings and it seems they appreciated it. But they never told me about this 3rd one. He laims he was caused my some severe head trauma at a very early age and he was not created by the person born in the body and is wired differently. Is that even possible? Well this third personality doesn't do relationships so we instantly we broken up. I tried to get to know him, we have went out and hung out. But he finally told me he doesnt find me sexually attractive. Im really heartbroken he is so cold and distant. I had to go over and give back keys and get my medicines and belongings from his place. Its crazy how one alter can totally turn a persons world upside down. Its really been hard for me wanting the others but their gone now. People have been telling me to leave the whole situation alone. I know he is dealing with way more than me being gone for 5 years but he cares nothing about how it affects me.
I have developing DID, I have gone from having 2 alters over 10 years to now having 6, one of which is a 5/6 year old girl called Ellie (which being a 29 year old man Is a challenge) my partner now worries about my switch in states during Sex, in her words “You are a man who I love and want to sleep with, but Also a 6 year old girl who wants to be my best friend, it’s a mindfuck
What the hell can I say!