Are Threats Abuse? How to Recognize One When You Hear It

Threats are abuse and are considered obvious signs of abuse in a relationship. After all, a threat is pretty easy to recognize, isn't it? Not always. Threats can be veiled with humor or hidden within an argument, but, if we dig a little deeper, the perpetrator's message is clear: If you don't do what I want, I'll make you regret it. Making any kind of threat in a relationship is a power play that seems obvious on the surface, but it can be difficult to spot. Threats are abuse, so how are threats hidden in seemingly normal relationships and how can we call them out?

Are Threats Abuse? Yes, and Here's What They Sound Like

Threats are abuse. Some threats are obviously abusive but some are hidden.

Obvious Threats

Domestic abuse victims will often report threats made by their partners. Many of those threats are of a physical nature, such intent to cause harm to a person or their loved ones. Threats can also be made over possessions. Examples of threats include:

• If you do that, I'll hit you.
• If you leave me, I'll take the kids away.
• If I find out you've been unfaithful, I'll have to kill you.
• I'll make sure I get the house/car/business and you'll be left with nothing.
• If you try to leave, I'll hurt you and the kids.

Subtle Threats

Threats can be more subtle and emotional, however, making them harder to identify, such as:

• Please don't leave me. I'll have to kill myself.
• You could report me, but then, no one would believe you, would they? Everyone will think you're crazy when I tell my side of the story.
• Your body is mine. If you give it to anyone else, you're giving me permission to share intimate pictures of you on the Internet.
• Do you really want me to tell everyone what you're like?
• If you don't start doing things my way, I'll break up with you.
• I could tell your colleagues/friends about your mental illness/secrets.

Even looks, actions, and gestures can be threatening if the intention is to manipulate or control you. Examples of threatening actions might be a tight hand squeeze when you start to talk about something your partner doesn't like or a look that says: keep your mouth shut.

Of course, gestures like these are difficult to contextualize and define, giving the perpetrator further reason to say it's all in our heads. 

Are Threats Abuse All of the Time?

Here's where it gets tricky. If you're anything like me, you may recognize some of your own behaviors in the list above. You might remember times you tried to manipulate situations to please an abusive partner or get them to lay off you, verbally or physically.

You might think about ultimatums you've made, such as: If you keep threatening me, I will leave you and take the kids.

You may be wondering if, after all the abuse you've endured, you've actually become the abuser.

Perpetrators of abuse are aware of this fine line between acceptable and unacceptable behavior in a relationship and they exploit it to their own ends. If the person abusing you has ever made you feel like you are the abuser, you're not alone.

Abusers often turn out the way they are because they think everyone is out to get them. While gaslighting and manipulation clearly play a part in the abusive cycle, it's possible the perpetrator genuinely believes he or she is not at fault. He or she may then take every threat you make as further evidence of your culpability.

Verbal and emotional abuse is never okay, but it often comes down to ownership of power. In every abusive relationship, the perpetrator is the one with that power and he or she wields it over his or her partner to get what he or she wants.

If you feel powerless in your relationship, this could be a sign you're being abused. 

Why Do Threats Happen in Abusive Relationships?

Understand that if you've started making threats in your relationship, it's because you're trying to survive. Clearly threatening to harm someone is not okay, however justified; and there are better and safer ways to stop abuse. But abuse victims will respond in all kinds of ways to try and preserve their sanity, and one of their most common coping mechanisms is to act like the abuser.

Abusers make threats in relationships because they know they have the power to follow through with them. At times, however, they desperately need to be reminded of their autonomy over us, so that they're not deemed vulnerable or weak. This is how and why threats happen. 

If you're being threatened by your partner and you're concerned for your safety, please call a domestic violence helpline today. 

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