Trusting Yourself After an Abusive Relationship

I felt like I couldn't trust anyone after leaving my abusive husband. I wondered to myself, "Will he abuse me?" whenever I met someone who stirred up my sexual feelings. I shied away from him (or made it impossible to create a true bond) because after living with a monster, the thought of being fooled again made me sick to my stomach. It took about five months of freedom to even consider opening myself to a relationship. When I finally did open up, the butterflies in my stomach opened and closed their wings - like steel traps. I was aflutter about a new romantic interest, but when those butterflies snapped their wings shut hard and fast, I withdrew from him. More than once. I initially thought I didn't trust other people at all, but I learned that trusting myself after that abusive relationship was the thing I needed help to relearn.

The last time I called to explain to my love interest that I couldn't see him anymore, I tearfully told him that I couldn't guarantee I wouldn't hurt him and I didn't know if he would hurt me. I felt scared and alone. I felt like I would always be scared and alone.

He didn't like what I said. He told me I was a beautiful person who deserved happiness and he would do whatever I asked him to do so I could find it. And he did. He backed away. I worked with him at a furniture refinishing store at that time, and he treated me no differently than before - he spoke kindly, remained patient with my newbie refinishing skills, and didn't pressure me or even look at me funny.

His reaction gave me space to think. I realized that I could trust people (How to Decide Who to Trust After Abuse). I just didn't trust myself to judge the ones deserving of trust from the others. So I cried again because I didn't trust myself. (Don't worry about the tears! Crying was one of my newly found freedoms. My ex couldn't stand tears - ranted about how weak I was for crying when I was upset or angry. Now that I was free, I let it all out!)

How I Learned To Trust Myself After the Abusive Relationship

For a long time, I trusted everyone until they gave me a reason not to trust them. My abusive ex gave me crap about that trusting world-view, but in hindsight, he's the one who benefited most from it. When I realized that I could not trust my husband, my world-view shattered. My home, the place I should have felt the safest, was actually a war zone, and his family members who I once thought of as friends were his co-conspirators.

Trusting first, without holding anything back, can lead to disaster (see aforementioned marriage). But that didn't mean I had to retreat into a hardened shell and refuse to trust others. It only meant I needed to relearn how to trust myself. After years of my husband brainwashing me into believing I couldn't trust my own eyes let alone my thoughts, relearning to trust myself was easier said than done.

Appreciate the Times You Were Right

First I looked through old journals and blog posts and discovered that I knew more than I gave myself credit for knowing. I'd recorded predictions about the abuse I endured that came to pass. I'd guessed why my husband feigned anger and time proved me correct (How Abusers Gain Control by Appearing to Lose It). More than once I'd sent the kids to their friend's homes because I guessed correctly he would come home wanting to fight. Instead of paying attention to how I'd been wrong (as he directed), I paid attention to how often I'd been right.

Turns out, my intuition is dead on (End Your Abusive Relationship By Trusting Your Intuition).

Decide What Qualities You Want in Friends and Relationship Partners

Next thing I did was make a list of qualities I wanted in new friends and partners. I wanted honest, strong, independent men and women in my life who love me for who I am, flaws and all. I wanted to know people who treated me respectfully, even if they were upset with me, and to be appreciated for the skills I have instead of denigrated for the skills I don't.

Today, I don't have anyone in my life who doesn't love me (How to Make Good Friends After Leaving Abuse).

Observe Those Qualities in People Before Opening Yourself Up

After I figured out the qualities I wanted in friends, I listed what their behaviors would be if they had those qualities. For example, an honest person will admit to a mistake without passing the buck. I will never hear a respectful person gossip about another. An angry person will approach me calmly and want to work out the problem.

Today, even my son who seemed to have a dangerous anger problem a few years ago, approaches me with respect when we have conflicts.

Learn When to Hold Back Personal Information

Finally, I came to learn to hold back some information about myself when I meet a new person. Living with my husband trained me to be ready to explain everything I did in three different ways at least (because I thought he didn't understand me). At first, I gave away too much personal information, which could allow a person to undermine or hurt me in some other way. To protect myself from trusting too soon, I learned to keep private things private until my intuition and observations gave me the go-ahead.

Trusting yourself after an abusive relationship is easier said than done. Expect to make some mistakes, but trust that you will catch them in time. You learned how to detach from your abuser, so detach yourself from that inner abusive voice that tells you "You will always feel scared and alone." That voice lies.