My Tragic Relationship with Anxiety: Our First Date

Anxiety: It wasn't always like this. Was it?

Imagine you're dating your anxiety disorder. Yes, you're in a relationship with your anxiety disorder. Scary, isn't it?! Now here's how one gets into this mess.

When anxiety and I first got together, things seemed OK. The first date was a bit awkward - anxiety nitpicked about the food but other than that it went well. Anxiety insisted on a second date and I thought, well, why not? Quite right about the food, really.

It was a little up and down, I admit. But perhaps I was to blame? I make so very many mistakes. Relationships aren't easy, you know. Anxiety told me that. But pretty soon it started telling me that things I knew were easy, weren't. That what I did right wasn't quite right enough. I heard it out, and often enough it was true: I could've done better; Anxiety was telling me I had potential. That's not so bad, is it?

Warped Relationship between Anxiety and Your Emotions

Then the excuses started. Oh I'd be invited out to dinner, to a friend's house, to a meeting, and anxiety would start in. I couldn't just leave it at home. Could I?

So I don't tell you, as I politely decline the invitation, that it's because this very loud voice in my head is telling me I'm totally devoid of value, humanity, and grace. No, no, I tell you it's because I have a headache, or I'm busy, things are happening too fast. You see that, don't you? That's what you try to tell anxiety: it's out of control. The relationship's moving too fast. Can't we just slow things down a little? Everything would be fine, back to normal -then.

Only, as it happens, it feels like panic is taking over your body. When did that start to happen, exactly?!

Because you know the relationship with anxiety wasn't always so rigid. You didn't always feel trapped, and getting through the days didn't take so much out of you. Oh but the rules about what you can and can't do in the presence of panic, and what you must do to avoid anxiety stepping in and taking you in hand. Yes, you remember the rules, don't you? Shake off the last round, as if it didn't really bother you. It's over now. It's fine. It'll never happen again. Anxiety just had a bad day.

Your Relationship to Anxiety Changes You

There's a certain honeymoon period, somewhere between feeling okay, and falling back down again. A division that happens, for a lot of people with anxiety disorders, that if they look they can identify: It wasn't a problem until...

I started to trust fear more than I trusted myself.

Anxiety and I made a good pair because, once upon a time, we were evenly matched. The odd fight didn't matter when it seemed like we had shared perspectives, and goals (You look at what it predicts, and a fair amount of the time it's right).

Anxiety, Why Did It Work Out This Way?

Because you trust all the little things that make a relationship work. Because you don't expect your emotions to hand you a bottle of terror and say, "drink". That kind of thing catches you unawares.

And if anxiety's right about whatever horror it predicted, you'll hear a little 'Gotcha' if you listen close enough.