Isolation Common for Parents of Children with Psychiatric Illness

I remember the day I met my friend, Sharon.* Bob had turned four the month prior, and I was--for the third time since then--preschool shopping.

Sharon was the owner/director of a small, private Montessori preschool (which I fell in love with almost immediately). She was confident, secure, and highly knowledgeable when it came to children. She had two of her own, in fact, and they were honor roll students and star athletes. In other words, she was everything I felt I wasn't. And she intimidated the Hell out of me.

It's been nearly seven years since that first meeting, and Sharon and I have developed a friendship (my youngest now attends her school). She no longer intimidates me, but it took a very long time for me to realize--no parents are perfect.

Being Labeled A "Bad Parent"

When your child is different, you feel exposed. If your child demonstrates behavior issues, it's as if you're walking around with a big flashing neon "BAD PARENT" sign attached to your head. When I was around parents of Bob's classmates, I didn't want to introduce myself and get to know them--I wanted to quietly apologize for whatever harm Bob may have inflicted on their offspring and run far, far away.

Obviously, this didn't do much for my own social life. I spent many years in self-isolation because I didn't feel "fit" to hobnob with any other parents. No one else's children did the things Bob did. Even if it wasn't "my fault" he did the things he did, other people surely thought so. And because Bob wasn't selective as to the targets of his rages, the parent next to me at Friday's pancake breakfast may have been the parent demanding Bob be removed from school just that Wednesday.

No Such Thing as "Perfect Kids" and "Perfect Parents"

It's only been within the last couple of years I've "come out of the closet" and started talking to other parents. Perhaps it's helped to have a neurotypical child--maybe that's validated my self-worth as a parent in some way. Maybe, in getting to know parents like Sharon, I've come to learn no kids, and no parents, are ever as perfect as they may seem. I've learned problem kids can come from "good" homes, and some kids excel despite devastating origins.

At any rate, I don't hide in my closet anymore. I introduce myself to other parents. I'm always waiting for someone to respond unfavorably ("oh, you're HIS mother"), but so far, no one has. If anything, I've gotten to know parents of other children who are less-than-perfect. I've learned I'm not as alone as I once thought.

And that makes a world of difference.

*name changed