When Bipolar Ruins Your Vacation

I’ve talked about bipolar and travel before but mostly I’ve talked about how to not let bipolar ruin your vacation – but what if it does anyway? What if, in spite of your best efforts to avoid bipolar triggers, bipolar ruins your vacation?

How Can Bipolar Ruin A Vacation?

Last week I visited New York. It’s a great city with so much to do. I had plans to meet this person here and have dinner there and shop everywhere, all surrounding the work I was there to actually do. And I made the trip, which takes forever from the West Coast, successfully, if rather exhaustedly. And then I spent the next day meeting, filming, panelling and eating some fabulous food.

The next day was great, too. But then, on the third day, I woke up and bipolar was everywhere. I have these times when I just feel so physically ill do to the mental illness that I can’t get out of bed – and this was one of those times. Every muscle I had hurt; I was beyond all synonyms for tired; I was dizzy; I had a headache; all I wanted to do was cry, and I couldn’t eat the lovely frangipane French toast brought to me by the in-room dining staff. In short, bipolar had taken over my body, including most of my brain.

Bipolar and A Ruined Vacation Day

So I said to myself that if I just got a couple of extra hours of sleep, I would be fine and would still be able to go about my travel plans. This did not work. I mean, I laid in bed for two hours but then I couldn’t move for two hours after that or two hours after that and even the notion of leaving the room seemed laughable. Bipolar ruined my vacation that day. And I didn’t really have a day to spare. (Do you have any idea how expensive it is to stay in New York?)

Blaming Myself for the Ruined Vacation Thanks to Bipolar

So initially I did what any good depressed bipolar would do – I blamed myself. I got mad at myself for letting my bipolar take over and ruin my chance to do what I wanted to do. I had already given into it the previous days, resting when it demanded, but now I had given it an entire, precious, New York day. How stupid and weak was I?

But, of course, this was no more my fault than it would it would have been had my pancreas burst. It is not my fault when my bipolar acts up. It just isn’t. I do what I can to prevent it but my brain is out of my hands, much like my pancreas (A Guide To Overcoming Self-Stigma).

As the day droned on, I tried to salvage something of it and failed miserably. In the end, I did end up eating some dinner and packing for my trip home the next day. That was something that existed outside of the bed, so I guess it was a tiny win.

Sometimes Bipolar Ruins Vacations – Roll with It

But what I learned is this: sometimes bipolar ruins a vacation. In this case I didn’t see it coming. I was fine the day before but then, suddenly, I wasn’t. I suspect all the running around and New Yorking I had done the previous two days had simply done me in. I guess predictable, for me, but not the kind of thing I have a real interest in predicting.

What may have been better on my part might have been less New Yorking the two days prior. At the time, I didn’t think I was pushing it that hard but it seems I was wrong. If I had spread things out a little bit more, then maybe I wouldn’t have absolutely crashed and burned on the third day.

But then again, maybe I would have. Maybe no matter what I did, bipolar was going to ruin the third day of my vacation anyway. Maybe the time change alone was too much (even though I had prepared for it for weeks) or maybe the lack of my bipolar routine did it. I really have no idea. I just know that bipolar ruined my vacation day and it wasn’t my fault.

What I have to do, then, is give myself a break. If I realize that I have bipolar and I realize that these days happen, then I must realize that beating myself up about them isn’t helpful. Yes, I would have deeply preferred a different outcome but that just didn’t happen. Stuff happens. Bipolar happens. We really just have to roll with it because there’s little else to do.

But I will say one good thing about the ruined vacation day – had that sickness hit me the following day, which was my travel day – that day would have been interminable as I wouldn’t have been able to get to a bed. I have no idea how I would have gotten up at 4:45 a.m. (like I had to) and do what was required to get myself home. So I can be grateful that I didn’t have to have that experience.

So bipolar ruined one of my vacation days but it could have been worse. My bipolar could have ruined all my travel plans (it’s quite capable of that sort of thing). But it didn’t. And for that I am grateful.

You can find Natasha Tracy on Facebook or Google+ or @Natasha_Tracy on Twitter or at Bipolar Burble, her blog.