Something Bad Will Happen to Me in the Future: Is It PTSD?

As I’ve discussed in previous posts, a little over two years ago, I survived a catastrophic apartment fire. Among other things, the experience left me with the fear that something bad will happen to me in the future. I have not been able to shake that feeling. In this post, I want to briefly discuss that.

Though I have not been formally diagnosed with posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and refuse to label myself as such without that formal diagnosis, I recently studied the diagnostic criteria of PTSD and found every one of them to be relevant to my present state of mind. I do not doubt that formal diagnosis will come in due time.

Why I Worry that Something Bad Will Happen

When the fire happened, I was in a place that should, by all accounts, have given me security. I had gotten into my pajamas, was lying in bed, and was alternating between sending text messages and reading a book. My discovery of the fire happened suddenly and without warning – when I left my bed to investigate the fire alarm, the vast majority of my apartment was already engulfed in smoke. Had I fallen asleep a few minutes previous, as could have been a real possibility, I do not know where I would be right now.

I hope you can see where I’m coming from. In a matter of seconds, I went from being relaxed in my bed to being within minutes, if not seconds, away from death, with no warning. Even writing that sentence for this post, I am unable to fully comprehend the gravity of what that means, but I think deep down in my subconscious, I do comprehend it. I worry that something like this will happen again. One could argue that the odds of it happening is miniscule, as of now that’s cold comfort, as the odds of that original fire itself were miniscule as well.

I wish I had more of an idea of where I will go from here, but I don’t. Aside from restarting therapy, as I discussed previously, I don’t know what will happen. I want this feeling to go away. I don't like constantly worrying that something bad will happen. But me saying that will not make it disappear. I hope it does go away. All I can do is continue to hope and do whatever work I think is necessary. Again, I wish I could end this post on a more positive note. This is all I can do right now.